(The following episode is brought to you in black and
white, film noir style... Done terribly I may add but hey
I tried.)
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Gretchen staggers along the wall, she moans in agony and
holds her stomach.
GRETCHEN
Ow.
She continues to stagger along the wall and turns down an
alley off screen.
INT. CINEMA MAIN HALLWAY - NIGHT
Don Casey stands at the counter eating popcorn, a short
man named LIMPY stands in front of him.
LIMPY
Everything's going well boss,
we're doing well.
DON CASEY
Dude, stop saying that.
LIMPY
Boss?
DON CASEY
You sound like a little bitch, I'm
sorry but you really do. Your limp
doesn't go well with this whole
persona you have.
Limpy just looks at him confused.
LIMPY
I-I'm sorry..?
DON CASEY
You damned right you are
motherfucker.
Don Casey laughs, at that moment Gretchen breaks through
the door and falls to the floor in front of the two.
Don Casey and Limpy stand there and look down at her, she
looks up at them with tears in her eyes and smeared make
up.
GRETCHEN
Why?
She dies.
DON CASEY
Damn she's ugly.
LIMPY
Yes she is boss, really ugly.
DON CASEY
Hey! Never talk about my dead
girlfriend that way ever again.
LIMPY
I'm sorry, she was a respectable
member of society.
Don Casey laughs.
DON CASEY
No she wasn't, I'd like to have
sex with her one last time.
Don Casey and Limpy exchange glances.
LIMPY
Shall I drag her up to your room?
DON CASEY
Please.
Limpy begins dragging her down a hallway.
DON CASEY (CONT'D)
And remember I still have that
video of you blowing my cousins
Great Dane so don't go telling
anybody about this.
(He laughs)
Those dogs have giant wieners.
He walks quickly down the hallway where Limpy disappeared
unzipping his pants.
INT. BASEMENT - MORNING
The basement now has a large desk where the futon usually
is; Kenny sits at the desk doing paperwork. The futon is
located against another wall underneath the Banana Chan
poster.
KENNY (V.O.)
It was a cold October morning,
while I was doing some case work
when she entered my life... The
beautiful curvy wonder that is
Barbie.
Barbara walks into the room, she wears a tight skirt and
a revealing white dress shirt. She walks toward Kenny
very slowly, he watches her every move until she's right
in front of him.
KENNY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She was beautiful, I felt my penis
growing with every passing minute
so I started to think about Pauly
Shore in Jury Duty when he was
wearing that thong and trying to
dance...
Kenny shakes his head in disgust, Barbara sits down.
BARBARA
What cases are we working on
today?
Kenny passes her a few case files.
BARBARA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He looks at me and talks like we
just met, but we've been working
together for five years.
KENNY
Some lady lost her cat, a man lost
his pet iguana and a whole bunch
of animals have done got
themselves lost this week.
BARBARA
Why do we always get lame cases?
Is it because we're young?
KENNY
It's you, the other detectives are
laughing at us and sending the
stupid cases down here.
BARBARA
Really?
Kenny looks at her, she reads through the case files.
KENNY
Probably not, who knows the real
reason.
Kenny goes back to reading through more files.
KENNY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I didn't have the heart to tell
her the truth about it all but
someday I'll have to.
The door at the top of the stairs opens, down the stairs
runs Don Casey; he wears a top hat and a trench coat and
is breathing heavily.
KENNY (CONT'D)
Don Casey, how may we help you?
Kenny smiles nervously, Barbara doesn't pay any attention
to him.
DON CASEY
My girlfriend, she's been
murdered. I need your help, help
me.
Barbara gets up and helps him over to the futon where he
sits, Don Casey rests his head on her chest.
DON CASEY (CONT'D)
I came home this morning and I
found her dead, she was dead,
wasn't she?
BARBARA
I don't know.
DON CASEY
It has to be that damned bakery
guy.
BARBARA
Why do you say that?
DON CASEY
He hated her, she always screwed
up and he has been trying to get
rid of her for three months now.
BARBARA
I see, so you want us to take the
case?
DON CASEY
Would you?
BARBARA
I don't know, this seems to be a
big case that might be best left
to the police.
DON CASEY
I need you guys, they'll just
blame it on me, ever see Scott
Peterson? They just blamed him and
didn't look for the real killer.
BARBARA
He was found guilty and got the
death penalty. How is that asshole
innocent?
DON CASEY
Please?
Don Casey starts crying in her arms, Barbara looks at
Kenny who just shrugs.
KENNY
How much we talking?
DON CASEY
A million bucks each, it's a very
simple case.
Don Casey gets up, smiles and leaves.
BARBARA
So, what do you think?
KENNY
A million dollars is a lot of
money, I'm in.
BARBARA
It's not all about the money, is
it? What about honesty and
integrity?
KENNY
It's a million fucking bucks, I'd
sell my soul to get out of this
business and it looks like the
devil just came a knocking.
BARBARA
I don't know about this but OK,
let's do it.
KENNY
Good, after this we can quit this
business and go back to whatever
it is we did before this.
BARBARA
I don't remember what I used to
do, you?
KENNY
A male stripper? I'm not sure
either, I guess the creator didn't
bother answering all of the
questions because this is a one
episode arc.
BARBARA
Guess not.
(Looks up)
Dumbass.
A large bubble appears and the creator appears, a light
shines through the bubble so bright Kenny and Barbara are
forced to look away.
CREATOR
How dare you question my writing.
BARBARA
I'm sorry, I know everything you
do is in our best interest.
KENNY
Like hell it is, he's made me a
shell of what I should be.
CREATOR
Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. Someday very
soon you'll learn the meaning of
life but until then...
A lightning bold hits Kenny in the butt, he jumps.
KENNY
Ah!
The bubble and light disappear leaving the two to look at
each other confused.
KENNY (CONT'D)
Great, now I'll need stitches.
Barbara grabs her coat and starts toward the stairs.
BARBARA
Come on; let's go get this over
with.
KENNY
I think I'm bleeding, I feel
something dripping down my leg.
Barbara stops, looks back at him in disgust. Kenny sticks
his hand down the back of his pants and pulls it out
seconds later.
BARBARA
I'm gonna be sick.
She mocks throwing up as he smells his hand.
KENNY
Good, it's only sweat.
(Beat)
Wanna smell?
He walks toward her with his hand out, she backs away.
BARBARA
Get away from me with that thing.
Can we go now or are you not done
playing with yourself?
KENNY
Oh, I'm done.
Barbara shakes her head and walks upstairs.
KENNY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I can't help it, my balls sweat,
they're hidden away all the time
what can you honestly expect?
He looks into the camera.
INT. JOHN'S BAKERY - DAY
John sweeps the floor, the store is empty when Kenny and
Barbara walk in.
KENNY (V.O.)
We walked into the small bakery,
the owner John Walker looked like
a guilty man but those cookies...
They smelled so good, I could not
help myself.
JOHN
Hello, how may I help you?
Kenny stares at a fresh steaming batch of chocolate chip
cookies that lay on the counter.
KENNY
Could I have one of those?
JOHN
Yeah sure, it's on the house.
Kenny walks over to the cookies, Barbara stands there
looking at John.
BARBARA
We're here about Gretchen's
murder, she worked here and we
have it on good authority that you
didn't like her.
JOHN
I hated that stupid bimbo, she
always ruined everything.
Kenny takes a bite out of a cookie.
INT. JOHN'S BAKERY - FLASHBACK
John stands behind the counter, Gretchen walks around
customers dancing with a broom and listening to a
walkman.
JOHN
Stop dancing around, you're going
knock someone over.
She continues without listening.
GRETCHEN
(Singing)
Boys! Sometimes a girl just needs
one. Boys! To love her and to
hold.
John walks around to the floor and stops Gretchen from
dancing, she takes out her earphones.
GRETCHEN (CONT'D)
What's wrong with you old man?
JOHN
Stop dancing around and actually
do something.
She scoffs.
GRETCHEN
Whatever.
John shakes his head and goes back behind the counter.
INT. JOHN'S BAKERY - BACK TO
John looks at Barbara who looks back at him.
JOHN
But I didn't kill her, these hands
are magic.
Kenny finishes a cookie and smiles.
KENNY
They sure are.
BARBARA
Your flashback wasn't anything to
hate someone over.
JOHN
That is not the worst of it but
you're not here to listen to my
problems.
Kenny moans in ecstasy and starts on another, John
continues to sweep.
BARBARA
I think you did it.
JOHN
What about her boyfriend, Don
Casey?
BARBARA
He's the one who reported it.
JOHN
So, that makes him innocent?
Either you are as dumb as you look
or it's that time of the month
again.
Kenny stops eating and watches, Barbara throws John up
against the wall and holds him there by the throat.
BARBARA
You're making me mad, you wouldn't
like me when I'm mad.
JOHN
Well, I didn't like you before
either so what can I say?
Barbara stares at him, her body starts to shake right
when Kenny gets between them.
KENNY
Calm down Barbie, he doesn't know
any better.
JOHN
She could use a tic tac as well.
BARBARA
I'm sorry, I must have lost my
temper there.
KENNY
It's okay, we'll just interview
Mr. Walker and get his story and
than go back to the office and
relax.
BARBARA
Okay.
JOHN
Yeah, lets because I was cooking
all night and need to lock up and
go home.
John, Kenny and Barbara disappear into the back area.
EXT. JOHN'S BAKERY - AN HOUR LATER
Barbara and Kenny walk out, Kenny carries a bag with the
words "Blow" on it.
KENNY
That was awful nice of him to give
me some of those cookies, don't
you think?
BARBARA
I guess, so where do we go now? I
was so sure that John was the
killer but now I'm just confused.
KENNY
Do you think it could be Don
Casey? He is an evil heartless
bastard who curses a lot.
BARBARA
Why would he come to us for help
then?
KENNY
If you killed someone and was a
mobster would you wait for someone
else to discover the body or hire
some detectives to find another
killer to blame it on?
Barbara shrugs her shoulders.
BARBARA
I guess... We have a very small
window to get a confession before
the real police take over.
Kenny and Barbara start walking down the street, Barbara
reaches over towards the bag of cookies. Kenny stops and
looks at Barbara.
KENNY
Whoa! What do you think you're
doing?
BARBARA
I'm hungry, we've been on this
case all day and I skipped lunch.
KENNY
He gave the cookies to me, I'm
sorry but go get your own.
BARBARA
Come on, just give me one.
KENNY
Nope, sorry. I cannot do that, if
I give you one than everyone will
want one.
Barbara looks around.
BARBARA
Everyone? We're the only ones
here.
KENNY
Fine but you owe me.
Kenny looks around, Barbara takes a cookie out of the
bag. Just then a mob of little children surround Kenny
and Barbara.
KIDS ALTOGETHER
Can we have a cookie to Mr. Kenny?
Kenny starts handing cookies out to the little children
until he runs out, the rest of the kids scatter.
Kenny looks at Barbara, she finishes her cookie.
BARBARA
You're right, they are good.
KENNY
Thanks a lot Barbie, now neither
of us have any cookies and they
were so good.
(Beat)
I can still remember getting those
cookies.
EXT. JOHN'S BAKERY - A COUPLE MINUTES AGO
Barbara and Kenny walk out, Kenny carries a bag.
KENNY
That was awful nice of him to give
me some of those cookies, don't
you think?
EXT. JOHN'S BAKERY - BACK TO
Barbara looks at him.
BARBARA
That was just a couple minutes
ago.
KENNY
Well, because of you I now have no
cookies.
BARBARA
Just go ask for more.
KENNY
Forget about it, I'm not in the
mood.
BARBARA
Then let's go solve this case.
KENNY
I guess I have no other choice, do
I? Guess not.
Kenny walks away from her.
INT. MOB HOUSE OFFICE - DAY
Don Casey sits at a desk counting money smiling to
himself, Limpy walks in.
MAN
I'm so sorry to barge in like this
boss but those detectives are
here.
DON CASEY
Good, maybe they've made an
arrest.
(Beat)
Well, what are you waiting for?
Let them in.
MAN
Oh, right sir.
Kenny and Barbara walk in the door before Limpy can turn,
Kenny pushes him aside.
DON CASEY
It's good to see you again, have
you made an arrest?
BARBARA
No.
KENNY
A little birdie told me a rumour.
DON CASEY
Really and what's that?
LIMPY
They talk to you to? I told you
boss that the aliens are invading
dressed up like birds.
Kenny pushes him out of the way again.
DON CASEY
Thanks.
KENNY
The birdie said that you're the
killer.
DON CASEY
Moi? No, that cannot be, I loved
her.
KENNY
But she has been holding you back
from greatness and possibly your
own show.
DON CASEY
True but killing her just doesn't
seem to be the right thing to do.
KENNY
And selling drugs are?
DON CASEY
Now, now... There is no proof of
that, so please refrain from
making slanderous statements or
I'll just have to call Judge Judy
and sue your asses.
A man walks by the door with a box labeled Illegal Drugs,
Don Casey gets up.
DON CASEY (CONT'D)
I'm offended that you come to my
perfectly legal place of business
and make such accusations.
BARBARA
If the shoe fits.
DON CASEY
Why don't you take the dick out of
your mouth and do some real
investigating, bitch.
Barbara shakes her head.
BARBARA
Why are you cursing? We came here
civil and friendly and you have
just had a bad attitude about it
all.
DON CASEY
I'm sorry, please sit, I'll try my
best to answer your questions.
Barbara and Kenny pull up a chair and sit down, Don Casey
sits as well.
EXT. MOB HOUSE - DAY
Kenny and Barbara exit, Kenny carries a bag with the
words "Me" on it.
KENNY
That was awful nice of Don Casey
to give me a treat, don't you
think?
BARBARA
I guess, isn't it odd that he kept
looking at me?
KENNY
No... Isn't it odd that I think
we've had this conversation
before?
BARBARA
It's because we have but let's not
flash back to it, I'm tired and
just want to go home for the
night.
KENNY
What about the third act?
BARBARA
Screw it, this is a bad episode
anyway.
Barbara walks away.
KENNY
Remember The Titans?
A tear drops from his eye, a Disney logo flashes across
the screen.
KENNY (CONT'D)
If they could get over the racial
issues, than so can we.
The door to the house opens, Limpy pokes his head out.
MAN
Remember The Titans sucked,
Reservoir Dogs was much better
than that piece of shit.
(Beat)
Who are you talking to anyway?
Crazy white people.
He shakes his head and goes back inside.
Kenny looks around, he shivers.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
Kenny stands outside the convenience store, a light
shines from inside.
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
Barbara walks down the stairs, she sees Don Casey sitting
on the futon.
BARBARA
What are you doing here?
DON CASEY
I did it, I killed her.
BARBARA
So, you're here to make a
confession?
DON CASEY
I did it because I'm tired of not
being a main character, the more
characters on the series the
lesser I am. Please, don't turn me
in.
BARBARA
I have to.
Don Casey gets up, Barbara gets on the phone.
BARBARA (CONT'D)
Kenny, get over here.
Don Casey inches his way closer to her.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Kenny holds the Clerk by the neck, he holds his phone to
his ear with the other.
KENNY
I'm about to crack the case.
BARBARA (O.S.)
I already did.
KENNY
Really?
He looks at the Clerk.
BARBARA (O.S.)
Yeah, It's Don Casey.
KENNY
How do you know this?
BARBARA (O.S.)
He just told...
The line goes dead; Kenny hangs up and looks at the
Clerk.
KENNY
You're lucky I have to go but I'll
be back, so don't go anywhere.
CLERK
But I don't know who Dante and
Randal are.
KENNY
A likely story, don't go anywhere
or I'll have you deported back to
Mexico.
Kenny lets him go and leaves.
CLERK
But I'm not even Mexican, I'm
Canadian.
(Beat)
I'm not even supposed to be here
today.
He picks up a magazine titled "Clerks - Title does not
dictate behavior"
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Don Casey drags Barbara along, she fights him but isn't
strong enough.
DON CASEY
Stop fighting bitch, I own this
city. Nobody will help you out,
just come with me.
BARBARA
No.
He stops abruptly, turns Barbara to look at him.
DON CASEY
Well then, we're at an impasse.
BARBARA
No we're not, just let me go.
DON CASEY
I can't do that.
BARBARA
Why?
DON CASEY
I love you and if you won't be
with me you'll never be with
anyone.
BARBARA
Jesus Christ, you're fifteen...
What do you want me to say?
DON CASEY
I'm a big bad motherfucking
mobster biatch, my daddy runs this
town.
BARBARA
Your daddy owns a cinema, that's
power?
Don Casey breaks down and starts crying on Barbara's
shoulder, Kenny walks on screen at dueling length.
KENNY
Hand the girl over and nobody gets
hurt.
Don Casey gathers himself and grabs Barbara hiding behind
her.
BARBARA
Idiot.
KENNY
What? I'm trying to save you.
BARBARA
I was almost free, you stupid
idiot.
DON CASEY
Shut up, you two. I'm not playing
a reoccurring character anymore,
you will show me some respect.
He pulls out a pistol, Kenny backs up.
DON CASEY (CONT'D)
Somebody will die here today and I
will no longer play the guy in
front of the cinema or the guy who
swears too much or the guy who
wets the bed... I've had enough of
this shit.
KENNY
You wet the bed?
He starts to giggle, but straightens up hiding the smile
when Don Casey cocks the gun.
DON CASEY
It's not funny, I have a weak
bladder, that's all. My mom said
it will stop when I get older.
KENNY
Right.
Don Casey cocks the gun to its side, he smiles. Kenny
reaches down for a gun but doesn't find one.
DON CASEY
Any last words, bitch?
Barbara hits Don Casey's hand, Kenny runs forward but Don
Casey is able to fire a round off that lodges into
Kenny's chest.
Kenny falls dead; Barbara knocks the gun away from Don
Casey and punches him in the throat.
DON CASEY (CONT'D)
(Coughing/Choking)
What was that for?
BARBARA
You're the bad guy.
DON CASEY
Oh, right.
Barbara and Don Casey both get into a fighting stance,
both ready to fight.
Stan and Kyle from South Park walk on screen, they look
at Kenny. The two look directly into the camera.
STAN
Oh my god, you've killed Kenny.
KYLE
You bastards!
Barbara and Don Casey look at each other.
BARBARA
That was weird...
Don Casey throws a punch knocking Barbara to the ground,
he places a foot on her back and places his hands on his
hips.
DON CASEY
(Yelling)
I win, I win.
A football hits him in the nuts and he falls down beside
Barbara.
(Back to natural color)
INT. CASEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The room is dark, a light flicks on and Casey sits up. He
looks around noticing it was all just a dream, a circle
of water surrounds Casey.
CASEY
If that was all a dream... I am
still a reoccurring character.
(Notices the puddle)
Not again.
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
Barbara lays on Jason's futon curled up holding Warrior
in her arms, she sniffles and cries out loud.
BARBARA
Where did you go Jason?
She pats Warrior as she cries into his fur.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
The plain white hotel room is untouched but for the bed,
on the bed sits Jason. His back is up against the
headboard and a picture of him, Kenny and Barbara sits
beside the bed.
Jason stares at the picture; he sniffs and wipes the
tears from his eyes.
FADE OUT:
...THE END...
The following mini series contains course language,
violence and mature themes. I do not own any copyrighted
characters therefore I am doing them out of parody and I
mean no offense.
Actually I do but fuck them if they can't take a joke.
INT. WHITE ROOM - DAY
Takashi's lifeless body lies on the floor, Yoda hovers
over him meditating.
With his eyes closed, he moves his hands in a circular
motion around his head.
YODA
(Humming)
Awake!
Takashi sits up gasping for air, weakened, Yoda sits down
on the futon. Takashi gets to his feet and stretches.
TAKASHI
What happened?
YODA
Died, you did.
Takashi sits beside him; Yoda lets out a long breath.
TAKASHI
Wow, that was a first. When I go
and reshoot The Ninja's Curse, you
know my series I may die in that.
He looks into the camera and winks.
TAKASHI (CONT'D)
I only wish I knew what was going
to happen this time around, I
heard that they'll be getting rid
of Prodigy and possibly making me
older because they want to develop
a love story with Asuki sooner
than episode 6 or 7 this time.
(Beat)
I blame all these lame fans who
didn't watch us on our first run,
pissing away my livelihood and
forcing me to beg for time on this
series called Better Days. Only
losers use happy go lucky names
like that, that names been done
before... Now, my series has a
great manly name that screams
watch me but the god forsaken
people never cared. Oh god, why
didn't anyone watch me, I'm so
alone.
YODA
Shut up, you will.
Yoda waves his hand in front of Takashi.
TAKASHI
Yes, I want to shut up.
YODA
Find Darth Vader and kill him, we
must.
TAKASHI
Yeah, that's what we need to do.
(Beat)
Wait, no last time they killed me.
We need to come up with a plan, a
really good one.
Yoda pulls out his lightsaber and turns it on, Takashi
smiles and reaches onto his back but his sword isn't
there.
TAKASHI (CONT'D)
Damn, little help?
Yoda shakes his head; he sticks his hand out and focuses.
Soon after Takashi's sword appears flying into his hands.
TAKASHI (CONT'D)
Thanks.
They get up, and in slow motion walk toward the door.
YODA
Ass kicking time, it is.
TAKASHI
Damned right.
They exit the white room.
FADE TO BLACK.
...TO BE CONTINUED...