Woodland Vigilantes.  Animated Comedy Series.  Pilot (30 minutes).

‘Now That’s What I Call Justice!’

SKY BLUE BACKGROUND.  

CAPTION:  ‘Once upon a time, in a forest not as far away as you’d hope…’

Bird song and mellow flute and strings music.

PAN DOWN TO:
Aerial view of the forest, trees stretch to all horizons.  A plume of smoke rises in distance.  DROP DOWN through tree canopy to:

EXT.  A SHOPPING STREET.  DAY.

Wood fronted traditional shops line both sides of street.  Loretta’s Trim and Groom Salon/ Funky Fabio’s Break Dancing Supplies/ Louse No More/  Ebenezer’s Sandwich Studio/ Fantastic Trousers!/  Aristotle’s Knick Knacks and Shiny Things/ Dave’s Adult Bookstore/ Acorn Wine Bar and Bistro/ Greasy Monkey Auto Repair/ At The Court of King Cheese/ Lettuce-U-Like/ Flap jacks and Flat packs Café/ Nutopolis!

CLOSE IN on ‘Nutopolis!’  A sign reading ‘Nutopolis!  All things nut-related!’ hangs above the door.

KEN SQUIRREL, 32 in squirrel years, wearing a suit illustrated with nuts steps out carrying a large folding sign.  He places sign on pavement, it reads ‘All Nuts Half-price!’  He stands and surveys the quiet street.

He checks his watch.  The big nut is on the ‘6’ and the little nut is on the ‘9’.  He turns to re-enter shop.

Music stops, replaced by the wheezing of an old moped.  Ken stops at this familiar sound and turns to face it with a look of amused exasperation.

Music starts- Techno rave type.

NANCY STOAT, 24 in stoat years, rides up the street on her neon pink moped.  There is a portable stereo tied to the back from which the music plays.

Nancy wears black PVC trousers and a skimpy red top reading ‘Hubba-Hubba!’  On her head is a ‘drinking hat’ holding two small bottles of champagne with straws hanging within easy reach of her mouth.  She rides one-handed and is trying to dance without crashing.  She comes to an unnecessary skid stop by Ken and turns off the music.

			NANCY
	Morning Kenneth!

Ken looks disapprovingly at Nancy’s outfit.

BEAT

			NANCY
	Sorry I’m late, didn’t get home last night. (Winks)

			KEN
	What do you think those clothes say to our customers?

			NANCY
Something like ‘Stand back, love-train approaching!  Choo-choo! ’

		KEN
Didn’t we agree you’d take this job more seriously?

		NANCY
I’m here aren’t I?  Chill out Ken, have some bubbly.

Nancy offers him a bottle from her hat.

			KEN
Nancy, it’s half nine in the morning, I don’t think you should be drinking either.

			NANCY
	Don’t you ever get tired of being so sensible?

			KEN
	Don’t you ever get tired of being an irresponsible floozy?

			NANCY
	Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty.

Nancy dismounts moped and both approach shop door.

INT.  ‘NUTOPOLIS!’

Very tidy shop filled with very ordered baskets and bags of nuts and products.

As Ken and Nancy come through door, a recorded voice says ‘Nuts!’

			NANCY
	What happened to the bell?

			KEN
Welcome to the future!  I installed it last night.  It’s a ‘Point of Entry Audio Marketing Device’, everyone’s getting them.

Nancy is putting on her Nut Apron.

			NANCY
Bit desperate, isn’t it?

		KEN
I’ll do whatever it takes.  By my calculations we’re losing 80% of our sales to the new Nut Superstore.

		NANCY
Look on the bright side, in the old days we were rushed off our feet.  Now we can concentrate on providing a bespoke service to discerning connoisseurs. 

		KEN (not convinced)
Hmmm.

		NANCY
Especially the ones with massive-

		KEN
Nancy!  This is serious, I could lose my shop. You and the mad mouse could lose your jobs.

		NANCY
Relax, I’ll pull out all the stops; ‘aggressive marketing techniques’ is my middle name.

		KEN
Just be courteous and for pity’s sake, don’t show anyone your nipples.

INT.  ‘NUTOPOLIS!’ DELIVERY VAN.  

Music – Heavy classical in the ‘Dam Busters’ style.

A large hazelnut on wheels, driven by COLIN FIELD MOUSE, blocks attached to pedals so his feet can reach.

Colin wears mirrored shades and a denim outfit with ‘BAD BOY’ printed in studs on the back.  Screeching to a halt outside ‘Nutopolis!’ he casually knocks over Nancy’s moped.

Music stops.

Colin strides into shop.

INT. NUTOPOLIS.

Ken and Nancy are working.  Colin enters. Door says ‘Nuts!’

		COLIN
Sorry I’m late.  My house burnt down.

		KEN
That’s terrible, Colin.  Are you all right?

		COLIN
Never better!  It was partly my fault anyway, I set fire to my neighbour’s house and it spread.

NANCY
‘Partly’ your fault?

	COLIN
He has to take some responsibility.  I did ask him to return my lawnmower on several occasions.

	KEN
You set fire to his house because he didn’t return your lawnmower?

	COLIN
It certainly got his attention.

	NANCY
So he gave the mower back?

	COLIN
No!  I had to get it myself while he jumped to safety from an upstairs window.

	KEN
You do realise that arson is illegal?

	COLIN
He kidnapped my lawnmower, I burnt down his house.  That makes us even in my book.

	NANCY
I admire your spirit but you’re going to prison.

	COLIN
No, we came to an agreement.  He won’t report me as long as I don’t set fire to his car.

	KEN
Do you think you’ll be able to resist setting fire to his car?

	COLIN
It depends.  I lent him six tea bags last year; he’s made no attempt to replace them.

	NANCY
Have you considered chopping his head off with an axe and sticking it on a pole as a warning to other tea bag thieves?

BEAT
			COLIN
	Yes.
				
Sounds like a big truck is pulling up outside, followed by the sound of a moped being crushed.

All look towards the windows.

			KEN
	Is that a tank?

			COLIN
	Cool!

			NANCY
	My moped!

Nancy runs angrily towards the door but is knocked back as six gerbils crash through it.  Door says ‘Nuts!’

The gerbils wear matching black tracksuits and excessive ‘bling’ jewellery.  They have an appalling amount of gold teeth, guns tucked into waistbands.

Their leader, MAURICE GERBIL, enters wearing a suit, white fur coat and diamond encrusted Stetson.

			MAURICE
	Good morning.

			KEN 
	Good morning, sirs.  All our nuts are half price today.

			MAURICE
	It’s not nuts we’re after.

			NANCY
	You seem to have parked your tank on my moped.

			MAURICE
Be grateful you weren’t sitting on it.

The gerbils point at Maurice with both paws, bouncing to an inaudible beat.

		GERBILS
Go Mau-rice!  Go Mau-rice!  Go Mau-rice!

Maurice holds up his paw to stop them.

			MAURICE
My colleagues and I are in your area today offering an exciting new service to shopkeepers like yourselves.

		COLIN
Are you selling tanks?  I’ll take two!

		MAURICE
No, we’re selling peace of mind.

		NANCY
I’ll give you a piece of my-

Maurice pulls gun from coat and points it at Nancy.  Ken instinctively steps in front of her.

			MAURICE
If you give me one more piece of your mind I’ll blow the rest of it all over the walls!

BEAT
			GERBILS (with actions)
	Go Mau-rice!  Go Mau-rice!  Go Mau-rice!

Nancy is silent.  Maurice puts gun away.  He stops gerbils with his hand. 

			MAURICE
Now, as you may be aware there are many problems that small businesses can encounter in the present economic climate.  What with shoplifters, bad debt and horrific massacre by heavily armed gerbils it’s a wonder any of you can make a living.

KEN
Look, there’s no need for violence.

		MAURICE
My point exactly!  I’m glad we’re on the same wavelength.  My colleagues and I can guarantee your safety from the aforementioned problems for a very reasonable monthly fee.

		KEN
How reasonable?

		MAURICE
500 coins.

		KEN
That’s more than a week’s takings!

		MAURICE
Don’t worry, Mr Squirrel, it’s not compulsory.  There is an alternative.

		KEN
Good, what’s the alternative?

		MAURICE
Death.

			GERBILS (actions)
	Go Mau-rice! Go Mau-rice!  Go Mau-rice!

SLOW MOTION- While the gerbils dance Colin leaps at the groin of the nearest one, knocking him over and grabbing his gun in one swift movement.  Other gerbils react, drawing their guns.  Colin lands in a crouch, pointing the gun at Maurice. 

BEAT

		COLIN
If you’re wondering whether I’ll shoot you, I should point out that I am a deeply disturbed individual.

			NANCY
	He’s not kidding.

			KEN
	No, he’s absolutely barking.  You’ve got certificates haven’t you, Colin?

			COLIN
	I have documentary proof if required, yes.

			NANCY
	I think you’d better ‘Go Maurice’.

BEAT

			MAURICE (cheerful)
Of course!  We’ll be off, then.  Don’t worry, we’ve learnt our lesson and will never bother you again.  Come on, boys.

Maurice leads his gerbils towards the door.

			MAURICE
	Cheerio!

They exit.  Door says ‘Nuts!’   Nancy crosses to the window.  Colin admires his new gun.

			COLIN
	It’s always been my dream to be an unlicensed gun owner.

			KEN
	You’ll be handing it over to the police at the earliest opportunity.
	
			NANCY
	I think we need to get out of here.

The tank’s engine starts.  Ken sighs and shakes his head.

			KEN
	They’re going to blow us up, aren’t they?

			NANCY.
	Yep.  Run!

All three run towards back of shop.

 EXT.  ‘NUTOPOLIS!’

Slowly reversing away, the tank is pointing directly at the shop.  Maurice’s head pokes from the top hatch.

			MAURICE
	Fire!

The tank fires, the shop and subsequently the delivery van explode.  As the tank moves off, the sound of another rendition of ‘Go Mau-rice’ is audible.  

 EXT.  FOREST.  100 YARDS FROM REMAINS OF SHOP.

The dust settles, Ken is spread eagled on ground. 

Ken sits up; his suit is scorched and smouldering.  He has half a walnut shell jammed on his head like a helmet. He looks at the remains of ‘Nutopolis!’ and the delivery van, a flash of anger crosses his face, replaced by concern for his friends.

			KEN
Nancy!  Colin!

Ken tries to pull shell off, it is stuck fast.

CUT to Nancy still airborne, hatless and smouldering.

			NANCY
	Heeeeeeeeelp!

CUT to Colin hanging by trousers from top of tall tree.  All fur scorched from his head, pink skin remains.  His cracked sunglasses hang from a nearby twig.

Nancy plummets past him, screaming.

Colin grabs his sunglasses and accidentally dislodges himself from branch.

			COLIN
	Oh dear.

Colin falls, screaming.

CUT to Ken taking mobile phone from his smouldering pocket. Nancy lands on him.

			NANCY
	Sorry, Ken,

Nancy gets up.

Colin falls from sky and lands on Ken.  Colin gets up.  Ken whimpers.

			COLIN
	Thanks, Ken.  You all right?

			KEN
I’m in agony and I seem to have a nutshell jammed on my head.  How are you two?

			NANCY
	I’ve got blurred vision and a headache.

			KEN
	That’s a hangover, Nancy.

Colin puts on his battered sunglasses.

			COLIN
	I lost my new gun but apart from that I’m fine.

Ken and Nancy stare at him.

BEAT

			COLIN
	What?
			KEN
Your head is completely bald, Colin.

			COLIN
	(Checks his head, screams)

			KEN
Has anyone got a phone?  Somebody crushed mine.

			NANCY
	I left mine in the pub last night.

			COLIN
	I threw mine at a traffic warden.

			KEN
	Then we’ll walk to the police station, I want those gerbils arrested.

			NANCY
	Can we stop at my place on the way?  I need a new outfit.

			COLIN
	I need a wig of some kind.
	
			KEN
	I need justice!

EXT. POLICE STATION.

Disco music and lights fill the building.  A party is in full swing.

K, N and C approach.  Colin is wearing a patch of turf as a temporary wig. Nancy is wearing a new outfit, bright red hot pants and a t-shirt reading ‘Hot 2 Trot’.  Ken and Colin are still in their original, scorched, clothing.  They stop outside the door.

			NANCY
	You boys look terrible; you should have borrowed some of my stuff.

			KEN
I am not going in to a police station in a t-shirt reading ‘Check out my buns’.

                       		COLIN
	Is my turf on straight?
 
Ken sighs and shakes his head.

			KEN
	Please let me do the talking.

They enter.

INT. POLICE STATION.

Disco music, mirror balls, flashing lights and dry ice.

Behind the Reception desk is a banner reading ‘Sponsored Roller Disco – Help the Traumatised Donkeys’.  All the police officers are small bears on roller skates.  The officers are having the time of their lives, alcohol flows freely.
Nancy can’t stop herself from moving to the beat.

Police Bear 1 stands at the desk wearing comedy glasses/snout/moustache and drinking vodka from the bottle.

			POLICE BEAR 1
	We’re closed.

			KEN
	We’ve come to report a crime.

			PB 1
	It’ll have to wait.

			KEN
	‘til when?

			PB 1
	Until the sponsored roller disco’s over.

			KEN
	And that would be?

			PB1
	Next month.

			KEN
	Next month?!

Nancy cannot resist the party and dances away to join the bears.
			
PB 1
	We’re raising money for traumatised donkeys

			KEN
That’s very nice for them but a gang of rather dangerous gerbils just blew up my shop.

			PB 1
	And?

			KEN
	And I’d appreciate it if you arrested them.

			COLIN
	And beat them senseless with bricks.

			KEN
	Colin, please.

			PB 1
	Come back next month.

			COLIN
	Should we bring our own bricks?

			KEN
	Colin! 

Nancy is leading a conga dance nearby.

			KEN
	I demand to see your commanding officer!

			PB 1
	He’s busy.  Tequila duty.

PB 1 points to a police bear on roller skates dressed as a cow, standing on a podium squirting tequila from his udders into the mouths of other roller skating bears.  Ken and Colin look on in astonishment.

			KEN
	What sort of police force is this?
		                                               	
PB 1
The sort of police force that takes the plight of traumatised donkeys very seriously indeed.  		
	
			KEN
	What about traumatised squirrels?

			PB 1
	We’ll have a disco for you next month.

			KEN
	I’d rather you apprehended the gerbils who tried to kill us.

			PB 1
	I’m starting to think you’re donkeyist.
		
			KEN
	Donkeyist?

			PB 1
We’re doing our best to help these unfortunate creatures but all you can do is moan.

		KEN
I am not donkeyist!

		COLIN
I have attacked several donkeys but always for personal rather than bigoted reasons.  

		KEN
Please be quiet, Colin. (To PB 1) This is gross dereliction of duty.		

		PB 1
Would you like to fill in a complaints form?

		KEN
Yes, I would.

		PB 1
(Looks for forms)  Oh, we’ve run out.  I think we used the last one to light the barbeque.

		KEN
Come on, Colin.  We’re leaving.

Ken looks around for Nancy.  She is fighting for a squirt from the tequila udders.

			KEN
	Nancy!

			NANCY
	Alright, I’m coming.

EXT. POLICE STATION.

Ken, Nancy and Colin exit station.

			KEN
	We’ll take this right to the top.  I’m calling the Mayor.

Ken walks towards phone booth by side of station.

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE.

Opulent luxury, leather and gold furniture.  The Mayor, GRAHAM Q. DUCK JNR (in full ceremonial military outfit with medals) sits on a rocking horse, smoking a cigar. An artist, MALCOLM VOLE paints a huge mural on the office wall depicting the Mayor flying through the sky on a winged fire-breathing unicorn, holding two blazing AK 47’s while smoking a cigar and winking seductively.

The Mayor’s secretary RIOJA HAMSTER, dressed like a mid-price Ukranian prostitute, sits reading ‘Celebrity Bum-Crack’ magazine.

			MAYOR
Don’t forget what I said about my genitals, Malcolm.  I want them to look majestic!

		MALCOLM
Yes, sir.

Phone rings.  Rioja answers, bored.

			RIOJA
	Mayor’s office. (BEAT) He’s busy.

She puts phone down and goes back to her magazine.

EXT. POLICE STATION PHONE BOOTH.

Ken exits.

			KEN
	He’s busy.

			NANCY
	Is no one going to help us?

			COLIN
So we’re on our own; that just means we don’t have to share the glory when we eradicate these pus-filled deviants.

		KEN
I think we should speak to the other shopkeepers.  If enough of us refuse to pay then the gerbils will have no choice but to leave us alone.

		NANCY
But what about ‘Nutopolis!’?
 
		KEN
I built it once, I can build it again.  Don’t worry, you won’t have to find other jobs.

		NANCY
	Good, it was very hard to find a job that didn’t interfere with my social life.

			COLIN
And my history of violent confrontation is quite off-putting to many employers.

		KEN
It’s amazing the shop lasted as long as it did, really.   

EXT. REMAINS OF ‘NUTOPOLIS!’ 

With their backs to the shop, Ken, Nancy and Colin stand surveying the street lined with shops.

			KEN
	It’ll be quicker if we split up.

			NANCY
	I’ll take ‘Ebenezer’s’, I can get us some lunch while I’m there.

			COLIN
	I’ll do ‘King Cheese’.

They split up.  Ken crosses street to ‘Funky Fabio’s Break-dancing Supplies’.

INT.  FUNKY FABIO’S.

Shop filled with lurid clothing, trainers and dance mats.  No sign of life.
Ken enters.  Door says ‘Get Funky! Huh!’

			KEN
	Hello?

			FABIO (V.O.)
	Good morning!

Ken looks around then up to see FABIO FERRET nailed to the ceiling by his gold tracksuit.  Fabio is relentlessly cheerful throughout.

			KEN
	Ah.  Good morning.

			FABIO
	Something of a body popper, are we sir?

			KEN
	Actually…sorry, are you normally…?

			FABIO
	Nailed to the ceiling?  No, this is an exciting new experience for me.

			KEN
	And how’s it working out?

			FABIO
	Good, very good.  It’s given me a whole new perspective, so to speak.

			KEN
	Would I be right in thinking you’d received a visit from some gerbils recently?

			FABIO
	You would!  This morning to be exact.

			KEN
	And they nailed you to the ceiling?

			FABIO
	Yes, and very efficient they were too.

			KEN
	Because you refused to pay them?

			FABIO
	I didn’t have enough coins, they took what I had and then…well, here I am.

			KEN
	I refused to pay them so they blew up my shop.

			FABIO
	I thought you looked familiar; ‘Nutopolis’ right?

			KEN
Right.  My friends and I are organising resistance to these gerbils.  Can we count on your support?

			FABIO
	No, thanks.  If I want my shop blown up I’ll do it myself.

			KEN
	If we don’t stand up to these criminals they’ll destroy us all.

			FABIO
	You can’t stop them, just pay the money and get on with your life.

			KEN
	I’d like to but unfortunately my shop’s exploded.

			FABIO
	Mine hasn’t and I’d like to keep it that way.

			KEN
	So you’re happy to stay nailed to the ceiling?

			FABIO
	It’s infinitely preferable to the alternative.

			KEN
	Even though you refuse to help us, I’m willing to help you down.

			FABIO
	That’s very nice of you but I’m fine, really.

			KEN
	You want to stay up there?

			FABIO
	I’m enjoying it!

			KEN
	You’re terrified of them, aren’t you?

			FABIO
	No, no, I just like being nailed to the ceiling.

			KEN
	What are you going to do when you need the toilet?

			FABIO
	The same thing I did half an hour ago.

			KEN
	What did..?  Actually I don’t want to know.

			FABIO
Would you mind leaving?  No offence but if the gerbils see you here they may kill us both.

			KEN
	I’m going but I’m very disappointed.

Ken opens door.  Door says ‘Get Funky!  Huh!’

			FABIO
	Thanks for calling, please come again!

			KEN
	Fool.

Ken exits.

INT. EBENEZER’S SANDWICH STUDIO.

The shop is clean and tidy but has no food on display whatsoever.  EBENEZER TURTLE stands behind counter, wearing white lab coat, yellow bow tie and an extremely tall top hat covered in multi-coloured flashing lights.  He is dwarfed by the huge machine next to him.

Nancy enters.

			EBENEZER
	Don’t move!

Nancy stands still, apprehensive.

			EBENEZER
	Prepare to experience the cutting edge of sandwich technology!

			NANCY
	Please I-

			EBEN
	Silence!  You are witness to the glory of…The ‘Bap-O-Matic’!

Ebenezer pulls a lever on the huge machine beside him and it roars into life, spewing steam.  Nancy looks worried.  A red laser dot appears on her forehead.  The machine reaches fever pitch and shoots a filled bread roll at her.  She just manages to catch it before it hits her. The machine stops.

			EBEN
	That’ll be three coins, please.

			NANCY
	What’s in it?

			EBEN
	I’ve no idea.  The ‘Bap-O-Matic’ has chosen your favourite flavour.

Nancy examines the contents of the roll.

			NANCY
	It looks like gravel.

			EBEN
	Delicious!  Three coins please.

			NANCY
	Can I try another one?

			EBEN
	No.  ‘Bap-O-Matic’ is never wrong.
			
NANCY
	I’d prefer to choose my own filling.

			EBEN
	Are you allergic to gravel?

			NANCY
	No, but I was thinking of something a little less…horrible?

			EBEN
	You are a philistine; nevertheless, I shall give you one more chance.
		
			NANCY
	Thanks.

Ebenezer pulls lever again.  Machine cranks into life and fires another filled roll at Nancy, she catches it.
 
			EBEN
	That’s the one!  Three coins please.

Nancy examines the contents

			NANCY
	This one seems to be full of paint.	 

			EBEN
	Yum yum!  Three coins please.

			NANCY
	I’m not buying a paint sandwich.

			EBEN
	You don’t like the colour?	

			NANCY
	I’m pretty sure it’s poisonous.

			EBEN
	Piffle!

			NANCY
You know, I’m not as hungry as I was.  Forget the sandwich, I’m also here to ask about some gerbils running a protection racket in-
	
			EBEN
	I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Go away.

			NANCY
	They’ve already been here, haven’t they?
 
			EBEN
	I’ve got nothing to say, leave me alone.

			NANCY
	I know they’re scary but together we can beat them 

			EBEN
	No we can’t.  They’ll kill us all. 

			NANCY
	They’ll keep taking your money until you go out of business.

			EBEN
	Out of business?  With the ‘Bap-O-Matic’?  Never!

BEAT

			NANCY
	You know that machine’s rubbish, don’t you?

			EBEN
	Out!

Ebenezer flicks a switch on the machine then pulls the lever.  The machine starts to rapid fire at Nancy and she is forced to run from the shop in a hail of filled rolls. 	

INT. AT THE COURT OF KING CHEESE.

Décor reminiscent of the Court of King Arthur.  All types of cheeses piled on shelves, floor and hanging from ceiling.  Behind the counter stands an unfeasibly obese mouse, KING CHEESE, wearing an unconvincing cardboard crown and a stained waistcoat.

Colin enters.  Door plays short trumpet fanfare.

			KING CHEESE
	Hail, fellow mouse!  Welcome to the Court of King Cheese!

King Cheese presses a button and fireworks explode.  Colin dives for cover behind a large wheel of stilton.  He peers over it.

			KING CHEESE
	What cheese may I supply thee with on this fair morn?

			COLIN
	I’m not actually here for cheese.

			KING CHEESE (deflated)
	Oh.

Colin emerges from behind the stilton, repositioning his turf wig.

			COLIN
	I’m here about the gerbils.

			KING CHEESE
They left about an hour ago with the contents of the till and a rare beaver milk camembert.

		COLIN
Don’t worry, we’re going to fight them and we’re going to win!

		KING CHEESE
Excellent!

		COLIN
So you’ll join us?

		KING CHEESE
Absolutely not!  But do let me know how it turns out.

		COLIN
We’re trying to help you, why won’t you help us?

		KING CHEESE
I have seven hundred and fifty nine children to support.

		COLIN
Think of how proud they’ll be that their father fought for justice.  

		KING CHEESE
I can’t help you.

		COLIN
Because you’re a coward?

		KING CHEESE
Yes but that’s not the only reason.

		COLIN
Don’t tell me, you have a sick relative requiring round the clock care?

		KING CHEESE
No.  I’m actually too fat to move.

		COLIN
Don’t be ridiculous.

		KING CHEESE
It’s true, I haven’t moved for twelve years.

Colin is appalled
		COLIN
You are a cheese guzzling, cardboard crown wearing insult to our species.

			KING CHEESE
	I am King Cheese!

King Cheese presses button and more fireworks explode.  Smoke rises from King Cheese’s back.

			COLIN
	You’re on fire.

Colin exits.  Door plays trumpet fanfare.

BEAT

			KING CHEESE
	Kids!  Bring water!  Daddy‘s on fire again!

EXT.  COURT OF KING CHEESE. 

Colin exits shop and crosses street to join Ken and Nancy who stand outside ‘Aristotle’s Knick Knacks and Shiny Things’.
		
			KEN
	How did it go?

			COLIN
	Not well.  Do I smell of cheese?

			NANCY
	It’s difficult to isolate one individual smell.  You emit a sort of blended stench.

			COLIN
	It’s mainly pheromones.

			KEN
	Everyone seems terrified of these damn gerbils.
	
			COLIN
	Have you tried this place?

			KEN
	Not yet.  Let’s hope they want to join us, we can’t do much on our own.

			COLIN
	I’ve never lost a fight in my life, Ken.  I’m not about to start now.

			NANCY
	What about that elk you attacked when he trod on your speedboat?

			COLIN
	I must have landed fifty punches, he managed to kick me once!

			NANCY
	You were in a coma for three weeks.

			COLIN
	Yes but technically speaking I was the better fighter.

They approach Aristotle’s door.

INT. ARISTOTLE’S KNICK KNACKS.

Shelves, boxes and display cases full of ornaments, baubles and assorted tat.  ARISTOTLE MINK, nice suit but a nasty face, stands by counter polishing his very small spectacles.

Ken, Nancy and Colin enter.  Door has a quiet bell.

			ARISTOTLE
	Does this look like a shelter for the homeless?

			NANCY
	No, it looks like the store room at a Crap Factory.  
			
ARIST
	I suggest you leave before I call the police.

			COLIN
	Good luck with that.

			KEN
Please forgive my colleagues, sir.  It’s been a stressful morning.  Have you recently been visited by a gang of unpleasant gerbils?

		ARIST
I don’t see how that’s any of your concern.

		KEN
They blew up my shop this morning.

		ARIST
Oh, you’re that idiot from the nut shop.

Ken bristles but swallows his pride.

		KEN
That’s right, I’m the ‘idiot’ from the ‘nut shop’.  We are trying to organise a defence against these criminals.
		
ARIST
	Why?

			COLIN
	Because they must be stopped.  Brutally!

			ARIST
	You’re wasting my time. I’m quite happy with the service they provide.

 			NANCY
	You’re happy with being robbed?

			ARIST
	They’re not robbing me, they’re protecting me.

			KEN
	From what?

			ARIST
	Shoplifters and the like.

			NANCY
	You get shoplifters?   Even Dung beetles wouldn’t touch this stuff.

			ARIST
	I can tell by your outfit that you have impeccable taste.

Colin laughs, Nancy knocks his turf wig off.  Colin retrieves and replaces it.

KEN
	These gerbils are much worse than shoplifters, they’ll bleed us all dry.

			ARIST
I think you’re worrying needlessly.  They have assured me that shoplifting rates will fall now that the penalty is death.  All I have to do is be punctual with my payments.

		COLIN
And if you’re not?

		ARIST
Apparently they’ll shoot my wife.

		KEN
You think that’s acceptable?

		ARIST
	We’ve been drifting apart for some time. For me it’s a win-win situation.

			NANCY
	I pity your wife.

			ARIST
If you saw her you’d pity me.  Now get out before I call upon my new protection service.

		KEN
Enjoy it while you can, we intend to put them out of business, with or without you.

		ARIST
Have a nice death.

		KEN
Come on, we’re wasting our time here.

EXT.  KNICK KNACKS AND SHINY THINGS.

Ken, Nancy and Colin exit shop, clearly annoyed.

			COLIN
	I’ve had a brilliant idea, Ken!

			KEN
	Do tell.

			COLIN
	Why don’t I pop back in there and punch him very hard in the face?

			NANCY
	What a brilliant idea!

			KEN
No, Colin.  He’s an idiot, rise above it.  We’re setting a moral example; if we’re going to fight we have to do it the right way.
	
		COLIN
Can I at least throw something through the window?

		KEN
No.  Come on, the acorn tea’s on me.

Ken indicates the ‘Flap jacks and Flat packs’ cafe across the street and they walk towards it.

CUT to Aristotle watching them through his window in a sinister way.  He sees them enter the café then he picks up the phone and makes a call.

INT.  ‘FLAP JACKS AND FLAT PACKS’.  

A traditional country-style café, quite busy.  A large sign along the wall reads ‘Satisfying all your home furnishing and light refreshment desires!’.  Ken, Nancy and Colin enter and sit at a table.

A Waitress SHREW approaches their table.

			WAITRESS
	Welcome to ‘Flap Jacks and Flat Packs’, what can I get you?

			NANCY
	Harvey Wall Banger, please.  Pitcher.

			KEN
	No Harvey Wall Banger’s thank you.  Acorn tea for three, please. 

			WAITRESS
	Would you like any wardrobes with that?

			KEN
	No thank-

			WAITRESS
	We’ve got a special today, 10% off book shelves.

			KEN
	No furniture today, thank you; just the tea.

			WAITRESS
	Okey-doke.

Waitress leaves.

			KEN
	Is their furniture any good?

			COLIN
	No, it’s made of flap jacks.

BEAT

			NANCY
	I can’t believe no one wants to help us.

			COLIN
	We’ll do it alone!  With righteous violence and morally justifiable bloodshed!

			KEN
Not quite, Colin.  We may have to stop them on our own but we have to do it the right way, they must be handed over to the authorities and face the justice system.

		COLIN
We can give them a bit of a bashing though, can’t we?

		NANCY
You’re both talking like we’ve already won.  How do a mild mannered squirrel, a mentally unstable mouse and a stoat with a minor social drinking problem beat a gang of trigger happy gerbils?

BEAT

		COLIN
I’ve got Napalm.

		NANCY
Napalm?

		COLIN
Sixty barrels.  Buried about half a mile away.

BEAT

			KEN
	Why?

			COLIN
	In case of a napalm shortage.
			
The café door is flung open as two GERBILS enter, GERBIL 1 with Tazer gun, GERBIL 2 with pistol.  Most customers dive under their tables, one jumps through the front window.  The gerbils approach Ken, Nancy and Colin.
		
COLIN
	Back for more, are you?

			GERBIL 1
	Shut it, mouse.

Gerbil 1 fires Tazer at Colin, he is electrocuted and loses half of his remaining fur.

			GERBIL 2
	Maurice wants a word.  The car’s outside.

INT.  LUXURY SALOON CAR.

Ken, Nancy and Colin seat belted into back seat.  Colin is still smouldering.  Gerbil 1 drives, Gerbil 2 points his gun at them.  Neither has seat belt on.

			KEN
The café was full of witnesses, if anything happens to us they’ll know it was you. 

			G2
	And I’m sure they’ll all be brave enough to get involved.

			G1
	Yeah, maybe the police will chase us on roller skates.

Gerbils laugh for longer than is necessary.

			KEN
	Have you ever thought about being…nice?

			G2 
	That’s not one of the prerequisites for this job.

			G1
	No, it’s best to concentrate on being sadistic and/or perverted.

			COLIN
	You are a disease.  We are the cure.

BEAT

			G1
	Shoot him.

G2 raises his gun, Colin does not flinch but Ken and Nancy do.

			KEN AND NANCY
	No!

G2 laughs and lowers gun.

			G2
	Relax, we’re not allowed to shoot you.

			COLIN
	I’m pretty sure I can catch bullets in my teeth, anyway.

			G1
	You’ll get your chance soon enough.

			KEN
	You don’t have to do this, please see sense and let us go.

			G2
	Maurice would not appreciate that.

			G1
	No, he wouldn’t.  He’d probably torture us to death.

			G2
	And bursting into tears wouldn’t stop him.

BEAT

			G1
	What’s that supposed to mean?

			G2
	I think your record speaks for itself.

			G1
	My record?

			G2
That time Maurice shouted at you for blowing up the wrong orphanage.  
You cried!

		G1
His breath was making my eyes water.

		G2
Of course it was.

		G1
Don’t talk to me like this in front of the victims.

Ken, Nancy and Colin exchange worried glances.
			
G2
	Alright, no need to cry about it.

			G1
	This is because I finished the milk this morning, isn’t it?

			G2
	You know I can’t drink black coffee.  It gives me wind.

			G1
	I think you’re over reacting.

			G2
	I think you’re a greedy milk pig.

			G1
	Milk pig?

			G2
	That’s right.

			G1
I didn’t drink all the milk anyway.  I poured most of it down the sink because I hate you.

			G2
	Wait ‘til you see what I’ve done to your dresses.

			G1 (guilty fear)
	I don’t have any dresses!

			G2
	No, you don’t because I threw them in the river.

BEAT

G1 screams and attacks G2.  Car spins out of control and crashes into a tree.  Gerbils are thrown through windscreen, knocked unconscious.  Ken, Nancy and Colin are saved by their seat belts.  Shaken, they exit the car.  Colin has lost his turf wig and spots a gun nearby.  He picks it up.

			KEN
	Give that to me, Colin.  Now.

			COLIN
	Oh, Ken.  Can’t I just hold it for a while?

			KEN
	Hand it over.

			COLIN (handing over the gun)
	I get to keep the next one, okay?

			KEN
	Maybe.

			NANCY
	I think we’d better be going.

			KEN
	We need a hiding place.

			COLIN
	I need some new turf. 

INT.  A  BUSH.

Ken, Nancy and Colin are hiding in a bush, peering out.  Colin has a new turf wig.

BEAT

			NANCY
	Do you think we can get a pizza delivered?

			KEN
	I think we should focus on not getting slaughtered.

			COLIN
We need to find out where they live, then creep in their while they’re asleep and disembowel them with rusty knives.  Then we cut off their ears, string them together and I can wear it as a necklace.

		KEN
It’s certainly a lovely idea but we don’t need to find them, they’ll find us soon enough.

		NANCY
We’d better be ready for them, then.

		COLIN
I don’t know where to get one, and I’m not sure how much they cost but let’s suppose we could get a mobile anti-tank missile system…

		NANCY
I think I saw an advert for one in the newsagent’s window.

		COLIN
Problem solved!

		KEN
She’s joking, Colin.  You are joking aren’t you, Nancy?

		NANCY
Yes.

Colin looks disappointed.

			NANCY
	Mind you, we wouldn’t need one if we had a tank of our own.

			COLIN
	A tank that shoots napalm!

			KEN
	Colin…

			COLIN
	Small, accurate amounts of napalm!

			NANCY
	It’s irrelevant anyway, we don’t have a tank.

			COLIN
	We could build one.

			KEN
	How?

			COLIN
I’m a loyal subscriber to ‘Let’s Build a War Machine’ magazine. 

		KEN
So you know how to build a tank?

		COLIN
It won’t be pretty but it’ll get the job done.

		KEN
If we had a bigger tank we might be able to intimidate the gerbils into surrendering peacefully.

		COLIN
And if they don’t we could blow them up.

		KEN
We’d need somewhere to build it, away from prying eyes.

		NANCY
Greasy Monkey owes me a few favours.

		KEN
His workshop would be perfect.

		COLIN
I’ll pick up some napalm on the way.

		KEN
Colin-

		COLIN
Just one barrel, I promise.

INT.  GREASY MONKEY’S AUTO REPAIR.

A mechanic’s workshop, pictures of scantily clad females adorn the walls.  Scrap metal and half built cars litter the area.  GREASY MONKEY looks like he could be Mr July in a ‘Hunky Monkey’ calendar.  He is fiddling under the bonnet of a large car, whistling.

There is a knock at the back door.  He goes to answer it.

As soon as he opens the door Ken, Nancy and Colin push past, desperate not to be seen.  Colin carries a barrel marked ‘Napalm – Not for sale to minors’.

			NANCY
	Hi babe!

			GREASY
	Nancy!  You’re early.

			NANCY
	It’s not a social call, we need your help.

			COLIN
	We’re in a battle to the death with killer gerbils!

			GREASY
	That is not a good idea.

			KEN
	I take it you’ve given in to their demands?

			GREASY
	I don’t like it but what choice is there?

			NANCY
	We’re going to fight them.

			COLIN
	In a massive tank!

			KEN
	And we need your help.

			GREASY
	No way.  I’ve got a wife and kids to think of.

			NANCY
	You’re married?!

			GREASY
	Err…yes…I meant to tell you-

			NANCY
	I don’t believe this!  You said-

			KEN
Nancy, we don’t have time to discuss the sordid intricacies of your love life.  Greasy, we need to borrow your tools and workshop.

		GREASY
I don’t like this one bit, what if-

		NANCY
What if I call your wife and apologise for borrowing her husband?

		GREASY
Now there’s no need for that, Nancy love.  

		KEN
Why don’t you take this opportunity to spend a lovely night in with your delightful wife and charming children?  By the time you come in tomorrow, we’ll be finished.

		GREASY
This really isn’t my day, is it?

		COLIN
You’re helping to smash the oppressive forces of evil!

		NANCY
And saving your marriage.

		KEN
Sounds like a pretty good day to me.

		GREASY
Thanks for pretending I have a choice.  Please don’t break anything.

		KEN
We won’t.  Thank you very much, Greasy. 

Exit Greasy.

			KEN
	Right, let’s build a tank.

MUSIC – Action movie style, horns and drums.

MONTAGE of the construction process using materials found in workshop.  
Cutting the top off the car Greasy was working on.  Welding scrap metal onto it to create a tank type vehicle.  Adding a barrel made from steel pipe.  Making missiles from empty paint tins filled with napalm with oily rag fuses.  The firing mechanism is a catapult device strapped to the barrel.

Work continues as night falls and dawn breaks. 

Cut to Ken, Nancy and Colin covered in oil and dirt, standing back to admire their creation.

The tank is a monstrosity with ‘Die Gerbil, Die!’ and ‘How’s my brutal retribution?  Call 89946’ spray painted on the side and back.  It is obviously too big to fit through the workshop doors.
			COLIN
	I think I’ll call her…Samantha.

			NANCY
	Samantha?

			COLIN
	That was my mother’s name.

			KEN
	That’s a lovely gesture, Colin.

			COLIN
	Isn’t she beautiful?  I just want to get inside her and start shooting!

BEAT

Ken and Nancy look at Colin.

			KEN
	Yes.  Right…

Ken checks his watch.  The big nut is on the 3, the little nut is on the 9.

			KEN
We need to get cleaned up.  Nancy and I will go out and act as bait.  Colin, stay here until you hear from us.

			COLIN
	This is so exciting!

			KEN
Try to stay calm, Colin.  Remember, it’s the gerbils we’re after.  No one’s going to thank us if we blow up the whole street.

EXT.  SHOPPING STREET FROM ABOVE.

A few early shoppers are milling about, Ken and Nancy exit Greasy’s.

CUT to Ken and Nancy walking along street.

			KEN
We’ll walk past Aristotle’s a few times, I’m pretty sure it was him who told the gerbils we were in the café.

			NANCY
	You should have let Colin hit him. (BEAT)  Are you as scared as I am?

			KEN
	I’m terrified, Nancy.

			NANCY
	Colin doesn’t seem worried at all.

			KEN
	You have to bear in mind that he’s completely insane.

INT.  GREASY MONKEY’S

Colin is dancing on top of the tank, rapping.

		COLIN
	Well my name is Colin and I drive a tank
	If your house blows up you’ve got me to thank
	I built it myself with some help from friends
	Scrap metal, half a car, odds and ends
	So if you’re a criminal, violent and evil 
	I’ll gladly blow your brains out though it’s totally illegal
	Yeah!

Colin strikes a pose.

The phone rings, startled Colin falls off tank.

He answers phone

			COLIN
Hello?...Hello Greasy…yeah, we’ve finished…no, the place is just as you left it…okay, see you soon.

Colin scans the mess around him, considers being concerned but shrugs his shoulders.

			COLIN
	Well my name is Colin and-

INT.  KNICK KNACKS AND SHINY THINGS.

Aristotle is on the phone, watching Ken and Nancy through his window as they walk down the street

			ARISTOTLE
	…your little friends are back…

EXT.  FLAP JACKS AND FLAT PACKS CAFÉ.

Ken and Nancy sit at on outside table, drinking tea and eating flap jacks. The café widow is boarded up. The WAITRESS SHREW comes out to them.

			WAITRESS
	Would you like some furniture?

			KEN (irritated)
	No, thank you.

Waitress goes back inside.

			NANCY
I really can’t eat any more Ken, we’ve been here an hour; maybe it’s the gerbils day off?

			KEN
	There’s no rest for the wicked, Nancy.

They hear the rumble of an approaching tank.  They look up the street.

CUT to their POV.  The tank rumbles down the street, passing Greasy Monkey’s.  Colin pops his head out and sees it.  Shoppers scatter and shop keepers start closing up.

Maurice, wearing his diamond encrusted Stetson, is looking out of the top hatch holding a machine gun.

CUT to Ken and Nancy at café table.

			NANCY
	Now would be a good time to get that gun out.

			KEN
	I left it at Greasy’s, it’s too easy to hurt innocent creatures.

			NANCY
	We’re facing a gang of killers in a tank and we don’t even have a gun?

			KEN
	I’m still hoping to sort this out peacefully.

			NANCY
	I’m still hoping to see tomorrow but it’s increasingly unlikely.

Ken and Nancy move to the centre of the street, the tank approaches and stops ten metres away from them.

			MAURICE
	Two out of three.  Where’s the loony?

			KEN
He’s not far.  There’s still time to do the right thing here.  Just leave us in peace, that’s all we ask.

		MAURICE
I don’t see anyone rushing to support you, Mr Squirrel.  Everyone else seems very happy with the service we provide.

		KEN
They’re terrified of you.

		MAURICE
I know.  Fantastic, isn’t it?

INT.  THE COURT OF KING CHEESE.

King Cheese stands at the counter surrounded by some of his children.  One runs from the shop door to the counter.

			CHILD 1
	Daddy, daddy!  The tank’s back!

BEAT 	while King Cheese thinks.

			KING CHEESE
	Kids, roll Daddy to the door.

Several of his children leap into action, rolling him towards door.

EXT.  SHOPPING STREET.

Ken and Nancy face the tank.  The street is empty, shopkeepers peer nervously from their doorways.
	
		KEN
I think it’s only fair to tell you that we have a tank and it’s bigger than yours.

		MAURICE
I think your nut shell’s on too tight, you’re hallucinating.

From inside the tank we hear the gerbils

			GERBILS
	Go Mau-rice!  Go Mau-rice!  Go Maurice!

		KEN
One last chance; turn around and leave us in peace.

		MAURICE
Prepare to explode, do-gooders.

			KEN AND NANCY
	(Scream)  Colin!

The sound of Samantha roaring into life.  Maurice looks around, confused.

INT.  SAMANTHA

Colin at the wheel.

			COLIN
	It’s justice time!

EXT.  GREASY MONKEY’S.

Samantha crashes through Greasy’s front doors causing the whole workshop to collapse in on itself.

CUT to Maurice POV.  His tank is facing away from Samantha as she approaches.  He panics.

			MAURICE
	Turn around!  Now, you cretins!

The top of the tank starts to rotate slowly.

INT. SAMANTHA.

Colin is loading a napalm paint pot into the barrel, he pulls back the catapult and lights the oily rag fuse.

CUT to Colin POV.  The gerbil tank is still turning slowly towards him.

			COLIN
	Don’t let me down, Samantha!

Colin fires.

CUT to Maurice POV as Samantha opens fire.  The first paint pot hits his tank and bursts into flames.  Maurice scrambles out of the top hatch as another paint pot hits the hatch.  Maurice loses his Stetson as he starts to run.  Ken and Nancy chase him and he shoots at them. 

CUT to Colin POV.  He sees Maurice escaping as he fires a third paint pot which hits the tank.  The tank explodes.

			COLIN
	Now we’re cooking with napalm!

EXT.  SHOPPING STREET.

Ken and Nancy are trying to chase Maurice up the street but he keeps shooting at them.  Ken is hit on the nut shell and falls to the ground.

			NANCY
	Ken!  Ken!

Nancy runs to Ken, fearing the worst.

CUT to Maurice, laughing, thinking he has escaped.

			MAURICE
	You lose, nut muncher!

EXT.  THE COURT OF KING CHEESE.

King Cheese is wedged in his doorway, head, arms and shoulders outside.  He holds an enormous firework in each hand and is flanked by some of his children carrying more fireworks.  They light the fuses on the ones King Cheese is holding.

			KING CHEESE
	Hey scum bag!

CUT to Maurice turning to face King Cheese and seeing the situation, his face drops.  The fireworks shoot towards him and he explodes in a colourful shower of sparks and body parts.  Spectating shopkeepers say ‘Oooh’ and ‘Aaah’.

CUT to Ken and Nancy.  Ken lies on the floor, surrounded by shattered nut shell.  He is regaining consciousness as Nancy attends to him.

			NANCY
	They’re all dead, Ken.

			KEN (panic)
	Everybody?!

			NANCY
	No, just the gerbils.

			KEN
	(sighs with relief)  I thought Colin had got carried away.

Colin arrives wearing Maurice’s Stetson, carried aloft by a group of cheering shopkeepers.

			COLIN
	I love the smell of burnt gerbils in the morning!

Shoppers and shop keepers crowd around, cheering.  Raising Ken and Nancy aloft, they carry them up the street, passing King Cheese still wedged in his doorway.

			KEN
	Stop!

The crowd stops.

			KEN
	Thank you for your help, King Cheese.

			KING CHEESE
	My pleasure, I think I’ve proved I’m not an insult to my species.

			COLIN
	Yes, sorry about that, I may have been a little hasty.

			NANCY
	Can I have one of those fireworks?

			KING CHEESE
	Of course.  Michael?

MICHAEL, one of his children, throws a large firework up to Nancy.  She catches it, lights it and turns to point it at ‘Knick Knacks and Shiny Things’.

			KEN
	Nancy…

			NANCY
	Just finishing the job, Ken.

The firework shoots into ‘Knick Knacks’ and explodes.  Aristotle staggers out, coughing smoke.

			COLIN
	Now that’s what I call justice!

The crowd cheers and carries them off.

EXT.  FLAP JACKS AND FLAT PACKS.

Ken, Nancy and Colin seated at table.  Colin wears Maurice’s Stetson.  The table is covered in empty bottles and remnants of food.  They are surrounded by gifts from grateful shopkeepers including boxes labelled ‘Fantastic Trousers!’, ‘Dave’s Adult Bookstore’, ‘Lettuce-U-Like’, ‘Louse No More’ and ‘Ebenezer’s Sandwich Studio’.

			KEN
My friends, I think we can be rather proud of ourselves.  We’ve struck a blow for decent creatures everywhere. 
	
			COLIN
	And got ourselves some pretty good gifts into the bargain.

			KEN
Indeed, we won’t be running short on trousers, pornography, or sandwiches any time soon.	

			NANCY
	I wouldn’t bother with the sandwiches if I were you.

			GREASY (V.O.)
	Having a nice time, are we?

			KEN
	Ah, Greasy.

Greasy enters, furious.

			GREASY
Sorry to interrupt the celebrations but you seem to have completely destroyed my workshop.

		KEN
Would it help if I said it was all in a good cause?

		GREASY
No it wouldn’t!  I’m ruined!

BEAT
			KEN
	Colin, give him the hat.

			COLIN
	What?  No!

			KEN
	It’s only fair…

Colin hands Greasy the diamond encrusted Stetson.

			COLIN
	Next time, build bigger doors.

			GREASY
	Are these real?

			KEN
	I’m sure they’ll cover your costs.

			GREASY
	They’d better. (BEAT)  Are we still on for tonight, Nancy?

			NANCY
	No we are not, you perverted primate. 

			GREASY
	Suit yourself.

Exit Greasy.

			KEN
	Well, I had intended to fund the new ‘Nutopolis’ with that.

			NANCY
	What are we going to do, then?

			KEN
I suppose we’ll have to get jobs and save our money until we can afford to rebuild it. 

		NANCY
You mean…normal jobs?

		COLIN
I’ve tasted the thrill of righteous violence and lethal justice!  I can’t go back…I won’t go back!

		NANCY
Sorry Ken but I’m not doing some awful job just so that one day I can go back to selling nuts for a living.

		KEN
I must admit, I don’t find the prospect very appealing myself.  It was good to do something worthwhile for once.

		COLIN
That’s settled then, we’ll make our living righting wrongs and fighting crime.

		KEN
Next time with a little less death, hopefully.

		NANCY
You make it sound so easy.  What are we going to do, wander round the forest looking for trouble?

		COLIN
I thought we could just sit here drinking tea until trouble comes to us.

		KEN
I doubt-

		V.O.
Excuse me?

Ken, Nancy and Colin turn to the speaker, CONSTANCE PIG, dressed in matching polka dot frock and hat.

			CONSTANCE
	I wonder if you could help me, I’m having a little trouble with my son.

Ken, Nancy and Colin exchange glances.  Ken stands and offers his seat to Constance.

			KEN
	Take a seat, madam.  Tell us all about it…

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