INT. FAMILY ROOM -- CHRISTMAS EVE -- NIGHT

The family room looks just like a normal middle class family's living room. Their is a Christmas Tree in the room though indicating what time of the year it is. A boy and a girl come running in. They are quickly followed by a smiling mother and father along with another man who is their uncle. The mother is holding a plate of cookies, the father is holding a glass of milk, and the uncle is holding a glass of eggnog.

MOM
(setting a plate of cookies down on a table)
Alright Danny, Katie, it's time for bed.

KATIE
(whining)
No, five more minutes

DAD
(setting a glass of milk down next to the plate of cookies)
Sorry babe, but if you and your brother don't get into bed soon Santa will pass right over our house.

UNCLE JOHNNY
(slurring words and putting his hand to his ear)
I think I hear them sleigh bells a jingling

DAD
(to Uncle)
How many drinks have you had

UNCLE JOHNNY
This is just Egg Nog!

DANNY
Uncle Johnny, why do you always smell like rubbing alcohol

UNCLE JOHNNY
Well there's a story in that, there's a story in a lot of things.

KATIE
Like what?

UNCLE JOHNNY
Well there's a story for why it rain's, why it snows, why there's thunder...
(beat)
Why cats poop in a box 

DANNY
Why is there an Angel on top of the Christmas Tree?

KATIE
Cuz' Mommy put it there you idiot

DANNY
Shut up!

UNCLE JOHNNY
Oh, there's a great story behind that one

DAD
(getting angry)
Time for bed! Santa is coming! Do you want coal
(beat)
I don't think you want coal

MOM
(putting her arm around her husband calming him)
Easy honey.
(beat)
Kid's, I know you don't want to miss Santa

DANNY
Can't we hear Uncle Johnny's story

KATIE
(whiny)
Please

DAD
I really just think it's time for

UNCLE JOHNNY
(interrupting)
Of course there's time for another story.

Uncle Johnny falls back onto the couch. Danny and Katie sit down on the floor in front of him. Dad exhales dramatically and grabs one of Santa's cookies and takes a bite out of it. He takes a sip of milk as Mom comes and sits on his lap.

UNCLE JOHNNY
It all started one crazy Christmas time in the North Pole. Things were just going all wrong for Santa Claus.  I mean, his Elves were slacking and giving him lip but 'Oh No' if Santa touches them he gets a lawsuit, and the next thing you know he's got that wretched woman he calls his wife Mrs. Claus moaning about who knows what. Just on and on about how he should have gone to college, I mean the guy is friggin' Santa you think that would be enough for a woman but No. Callin' him fat and ...
(he rambles on and gets angry)

Danny and Katie look around with a scared look on their faces.

DAD
John!

UNCLE JOHNNY
Oh
(beat)
Sorry

KATIE
The story, the story, the story!

UNCLE JOHNNY
Oh, yes, of course. Calm down pumpkin...where was I.

DANNY
You were talking about how Mrs. Claus doesn't know what a good man is when she sees one and how she should just...

MOM
(interrupting)
Daniel!

DANNY
(stares at the ground upset)
Sorry

UNCLE JOHNNY
Alright
(beat)
So, Santa was walking around in the workshop, you know, checking on things

Dim the lights on the Family Room part of stage. Light up Santa's workshop section.

 

INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP

Santa's workshop has toys scattered all about it. Santa's Elves are just playing around not accomplishing anything. Santa comes walking onto stage.

SANTA
Ho Ho
(beat)
Oh no, your kidding me

The Elves look up at his presence and then go back to ignoring him and their work. Santa walks over to the Elves and begins to talk to them.

SANTA
Do any of you know what time it is

ELF 1
Time to stop going to the Krispy Kreme

The Elves laugh

SANTA
Yea, very funny. Well for some of you who cant tell time, like my little friend here
(checks watch)
It is nine o'clock in the evening on December twenty-third

ELF 2
Yeah, and your point is

SANTA
Do you know what tomorrow night is

ELF 3
Jesus's birthday

SANTA
No that's the day after you imbecile
(he pauses awaiting a response from one of the Elves but he doesn't get one)
It's Christmas Eve!

ELF 2
Oh Yeah!

SANTA
Yeah!
(beat)
You know, the time of the year where you make the toys and I deliver them and everyone's happy.

ELF 1
Yeah, those are some good times

SANTA
Then why aren't you working!?

ELF 1
We told you man, we need the proper benefits or we don't work.

ELF 3
Yeah, we're talking dental, optical, health

ELF 2
The first nine weeks of psychiatric care free

SANTA
(rips his hat of his head and slams it to his side)
Are you kidding me!

ELF 2
(pointing from his face to the other elves faces as they give a stern look)
Look at these faces. Do these faces look like the faces of Elves who joke?

SANTA
You know what, I should have just let you three sit in you're hollowed out Oak Tree and bake cookies until the end of the world.

ELF 2
We did finish one present, it was kind of a big one

SANTA
Really now, what is it

ELF 1
Well you see your wife came in and told us to get this gift for you

SANTA
For me?

ELF 1
Yeah, that's what I said big guy. Why don't you take the Skittles out of your ears and pay attention

Santa looks as if he is about to say something but instead he decides against it.

ELF 1
Yeah, that's what I thought

ELF 2
It's over their...in the corner

ELF 3
Yeah, why don't you go
(beat)
Check it out

Santa walks over and looks off stage. He frowns and you can tell he has gotten angry again.

SANTA
Is that a...

ELF 2
Bowflex

SANTA
Why?

ELF 1
Why. Because nothing looks like it or gives you the kind of results a Bowflex gives you

ELF 3
Yeah man, In just six weeks you can totally reshape your body

ELF 2
I mean, they guarantee it

SANTA
But
(looks over himself)
I don't think I have a weight problem, I mean, I'm just festively plump

ELF 1
(laughing)
Yeah, coming from the man who invented a calendar that has a piece of chocolate for every day of the month

SANTA
You son-of-a....

Dim Santa's Workshop and light the Family Room

INT. FAMILY ROOM -- CHRISTMAS EVE -- EVENING

Danny and Katie are sitting with their jaws dropped in shock. Uncle Johnny grabs a pitcher of Egg Nog and begins to pour himself another glass. Dad stands up and grabs the pitcher away from him.  The egg nog spills a little.  Uncle John freezes and looks upset and looks at the puddle on the ground then back to Dad.

DAD
Don't you dare try lick that off the floor.

UNCLE JOHNNY
Yeah, you act like you've never done it before.
(walks back over and sits down on the couch)
Yeah, because you're so great

The dad walks over back by the chair and holds his wife's hand as she sits on his lap.

DAD
Honestly John, what have you done with yourself that's so great.

UNCLE JOHNNY
Well, the paramedic game has been treating me pretty nicely but I guess it just hasn't worked out as well for me as Sears has for you.

DAD
(angry)
You know what John!

MOM
(interrupt)
 Come on guys
(laughing nervously)
It's just Uncle Johnny being Uncle Johnny

DAD
But he is insulting me as a man

UNCLE JOHNNY
It's not an insult if it's true.

Dad looks like he is going to say something.

KIDS
Uncle Johnny!

UNCLE JOHNNY
What is it?

KATIE
The story!

UNCLE JOHNNY
Alright, Danny where was I

DANNY
You were talking about how Santa is
(thinking)
Glandular

UNCLE JOHNNY
Ha yes
(beat)
Wait a second, your like four, how do you know what glandular means

DANNY
I'm eight

UNCLE JOHNNY
But I've only given you four birthday presents

DAD
Just because your a bad uncle doesn't mean they stop aging

UNCLE JOHNNY
Pshh, who's your favorite uncle

KIDS
Uncle Johnny!!!!!!!!!!!

DAD
They only say that because everytime they say that you give them 20 dollars

UNCLE JOHNNY
That only happened once and its not my fault when they hug me their hands reach right across my wallet

Kids start giggling

MOM
Come on Uncle Johnny, get back to the story, they have to go to bed and Santa's only gonna come back once before he leaves for good

UNCLE JOHNNY
Who makes up all these rules, your just making stuff up
(to the children)
Your mom's a liar. 

DAD
Just tell the story

UNCLE JOHNNY
Ok, anyway, so Santa was very angry with the elves...

Dim lights on family room, light up santa's workshop

Elves working in workshop, one holding up abflex

ELF 1
I don't get why Mrs. Claus keeps making us make this stuff, its not like he's gonna use it, what are you working on?

ELF 2
Dumbbell

ELF 3
This is so pointless, we worked on that treadmill last year for three weeks straight and he hasn't used it once

Santa walks in and looks around

ELF 1
He hasn't?

ELF 2
Does it look like it

ELF 1
Good point

Santa walks over to them

SANTA
What are you guys making, more workout stuff, why aren't you making toys

ELF 1
Because Mrs. Claus wants us to make these for you

SANTA
(yells)
Mrs. Claus!!!

Mrs. Claus walks onstage from right

MRS. CLAUS
What?

SANTA
Why do you keep making them do this stuff

MRS. CLAUS
I thought it would help to keep you in shape

SANTA
I can't be in shape... I'm Santa Claus, I'm supposed to be big

MRS. CLAUS
Who's making these rules up, your just making stuff up now

SANTA
Not only does it have to be this way, it's practical, I fly around at a hundred miles an hour, 4000 feet off the ground in the middle of winter and you want me to be wearing a speedo

MRS. CLAUS
Oh God no!

SANTA
You get my point

MRS. CLAUS
And don't act like this was some dream job, I've been telling you for 400 years you should have gone to college

SANTA
I'm freaking Santa Claus, have you looked around, you live in the North Pole, our mailbox is a freaking candy cane!  Their is a talking snowman in our front lawn!  This is what most people dream about!

MRS. CLAUS
Right, living in the middle of the coldest place on Earth with no humans for hundreds of miles and the only company is messed up flying reindeer and a bunch of people who cant break 3 feet.

SANTA
Whatever

MRS. CLAUS
And another thing, we're four hundred years old, all my friends are gone, how did this happen?

SANTA
BECAUSE THIS PLACE IS MAGICAL!!!!!!

MRS. CLAUS
Don't make more stuff up

Grabs her by the arm and leads her over to the mirror

SANTA
Oh, I'm sorry honey, I just don't think you are getting this.  
(points)
See this, all dressed in fur from my head to my feet.  My clothes are tarnished with ashes and soot.  My eyes twinkle and my dimples are merry.  My cheeks are like roses, my nose is like a cherry.  My little mouth is drawn up like a bow, and my beard is as white as snow.  Broad face and a little round belly.  And when I laugh, Ho Ho Ho!, it shakes like a bowlful of

MRS. CLAUS
(interrupting)
Jelly!  I've heard this a thousand times, you think just because it's in a book you can use it whenever you want?  Gosh, none of this is any excuse for not using the gifts I give you every year.

Santa looks like he's gonna say something as she walks offstage, turns to Elves

SANTA
I won that one, right?

ELF 2
Well, the elf from Antarctica gives you and 8.5 but since we throw away high low you averaged out at around a 2

SANTA
I did better than that

ELF 1
If being put in your place is a good job, than you did excellent

SANTA
I don't need this, I'm going on lunch

ELF 3
At 10 a.m surprise, surprise

SANTA
Shut up

Santa walks off stage and the Elves go back to work. 

Dim lights on Santa's Workshop, Light up Family Room

Uncle Johnny is snoring on the couch and the rest of the family is sitting around looking at him in disbelief.

DAD
How does he fall asleep mid sentence, honestly

Mom shrugs at Dad and the kids jump up from their seats on the ground.

KATIE
(tagging Dan)
You're it!

Danny and Katie begin to run around the couch playing tag.  Dad stands up.

DAD
Kid's!  It's past your bedtime!

He tries to grab Katie as she runs past but misses and falls on his face.  He goes to lift his head up as Dan runs past stepping on him.

DAD
(standing up and yelling angrily)
Daniel!  Kathleen!

The children freeze where they are

DAD
Go to bed!

KATIE
We have to hear the rest of Uncle Johnny's story

DANNY
Yeah, the story!

DAD
Fine, let's make it quick, c'mon John
(he glances at Uncle Johnny and does a double take)
Not only does he fall asleep mid sentence but after all that commotion he is still passed out.

MOM
I have no idea how he does it

DAD
John!  John!

The kids run over and start poking him and jumping on the couch.

KIDS
Uncle Johnny!!!

While all this is going on Mom walks over to the pitcher of Egg Nog and pours some in a small glass.  She comes walking over and motions for the kids to sit back on the floor.  She tips the glass pouring some into John's mouth.

UNCLE JOHNNY
(coughing)
Alright, where was I

DAD
(in disbelief)
Just like Popeye

UNCLE JOHNNY
What was that

DAD
Nothing

UNCLE JOHNNY
Oh okay, now if you wouldn't mind stop being such a negative Nancy, I would like to finish telling my niece and nephew their Christmas Story

DAD
Negative...

Mom puts her hand over Dad's mouth and walks him back to their chair, they sit.

UNCLE JOHNNY
Anyway, Santa...

Lights go down on living room, come up on santa outside a bedroom door 

Santa walks up to a bedroom door, knocks on it, silence

SANTA
Come on Mrs. Claus, why don't you come out

Silence

SANTA
(YELLS)
Fine, don't come out, you can stay in there forever

Santa walks a couple steps from door, comes back and knocks again

SANTA
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, please come out, I want to talk to you

Silence

SANTA
Fine, you know what, I hate you too, I hope you have a horrible Christmas,

Storms off a s few steps, comes back

SANTA
I'm sorry, I really didn't mean that, I just want us to be good again baby

Silence

SANTA
Fine, you know...

Elf walks in, Santa stops

ELF 1
What are you doing

SANTA
I'm apologizing to Mrs Claus

ELF 1
Maybe if you hadn't just polished off a few slabs of ribs, you could have noticed that she's not in her room, she's down in the tree department with the angel

SANTA
She is, hey, why aren't you working

ELF 1
She gave us the next couple of days off

SANTA
But Christmas is tomorrow and you have nothing done

ELF 1
It happens

Elf 2 walks in carrying something, drops it, Santa bends over to help him pick it up, hear loud ripping noise

ELF 2
I told you that would work

ELF 1
Darn

Takes out some money and hands it to elf 2, santa falls to ground sort of distraught, elves start to walk off stage

ELF 1
I was sure he would have had it at least quadruple stitched

ELF 2
Makes me wonder how they lasted this long

Elves walk off stage

Lights go down on Santa, come up on living room

UNCLE JOHNNY
Santa was very upset and nothing was going right for him, everything that could go wrong was going wrong

DANNY
What do you mean?

UNCLE JOHNNY
Think of the White Sox

DANNY
It doesn't seem like things were THAT bad for him

UNCLE JOHNNY
Well, I guess you're right, nothing could be that bad, but think Packers

The kids nod in agreement

DAD
Get on with the story, the faster you're done that faster you leave

Mom whispers something in dad's ear

DAD
What?  He's spending the night

UNCLE JOHNNY
Yup, I win

Throws popcorn at Dad, Dad picks one up and throws it back at him, misses, Uncle Johnny laughs

DAD
Just get on with the story

MOM
Yeah, I want to know what happens next, its a real good story

DAD
No its not

MOM
Be quiet

UNCLE JOHNNY
Anyway, after that Santa...

Lights down on living room, up on Santa

Santa stumbles into room, picks up piece of paper, and starts writing, reads aloud as he writes

SANTA
Hey baby, I love you baby, I love you like I love Ben Affleck movies, and I really like Ben Affleck movies, like the one with the planes and stuff, anyway, I love you baby, I've loved you since we first saw Secret Window together, oops, I better cross that out

Crosses out on paper, not erase, writes this down

SANTA
That wasn't you, anyway, I love you baby, I'm sorry, please be happier

Picks up rose, tapes it to paper, walks over to door, slides it under the door, falls over as he does it, makes loud noise.

SANTA
(to himself)
Shhh 

Stumbles back into office, sits down in chair, Elf 3 walks in, steps on something.

SANTA
You stepped on my Reese's  

ELF 3
Sorry, I didn't know you kept your candy on the floor

SANTA
Just give it to me and leave

Hands him candy, starts eating it and he starts singing Avril Lavigne as he sits there eating candy and passes out eating

Lights down on santa and lights up on livingroom

KATIE
He gave her a note with a rose taped to it

UNCLE JOHNNY
Yup

KATIE
That's so sweet

DANNY
No its not, it never works, they get all excited for like a day and then they change their minds
(beat)
I mean

Awkward pause

UNCLE JOHNNY
Anyway, where did my popcorn go

DAD
You threw it at me

UNCLE JOHNNY
(confused look)
....

DAD
Like five minutes ago

UNCLE JOHNNY
.....

DAD
You have ADD don't you

UNCLE JOHNNY
.....

DAD
.....

UNCLE JOHNNY
Santa, So Santa had just gotten done drinking some egg nog and leaving

Lights go down on Living room, come up on Santa

Santa is dancing around his office to Hey Mama, drinking from a glass of eggnog.  The elves walk in and stop just watching Santa dance around.  Mrs. Claus comes walking in behind them.

MRS. CLAUS
What are you doing?

Santa now becomes aware that he has a room full of people and quickly turns off the music.  He starts to walk over to Mrs. Claus

SANTA
Hey honey!  Did you get the note I wrote you?

MRS. CLAUS
Yeah, it was in purple crayon, that's cute.

SANTA
See
(nudges her)
I know what you like

MRS. CLAUS
(sarcastically)
You sure do.  Now what is wrong with you.

The elves start to cough and look from side to side.

MRS. CLAUS
What is wrong with you three

They tilt their hands in front of their face making a drinking motion.

MRS. CLAUS
(looking at Santa)
What!  I can't believe you've been...what is in that glass.

SANTA
Oh, don't worry baby, it's just egg nog

MRS. CLAUS
I'm sure it is.
(grabs Santa by the shoulders and shakes him as she talks)
Don't you know what I have set up for tonight?

SANTA
Um
(beat)
No

Mrs. Claus slaps Santa

MRS. CLAUS
Sorry

SANTA
Ow

MRS. CLAUS
Quit crying.  I have the Angel coming over in a couple minutes with our big Christmas tree!

SANTA
So?

MRS. CLAUS
You're going to be in this condition when an
(stresses Angel)
Angel comes with our tree tonight.  Do you have any idea how that's going to make us look?  You offend an Angel you offend
(motions upwards)
Well you know who

SANTA
The Easter Bunny

Mrs. Claus slaps Santa

MRS. CLAUS
Sorry

SANTA
No, Ow!

MRS. CLAUS
Not the Easter Bunny roundie!  Who do you think works with Angels
(beat)
The big man

SANTA
Aw, well you know I don't really mind

Mrs. Claus goes to slap him and he moves

SANTA
Hey!

MRS. CLAUS
Sorry

Santa stands back up relaxed.  And she slaps him again.

MRS. CLAUS
Not big man as in you
(beat)
Big Man as in
(she stares at him waiting for a response)

SANTA
(throws his arms out to his side)
I got nothing.

MRS. CLAUS
Oh forget it!  It doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is I need you to be presentable.  Button up your coat I'll be right back.

She walks off stage and Santa begins to button up his coat but is doing a bad job at it.

ELVES
(makes motion with hands and whipping noise)

SANTA
Shut up, go make yourself useful...like go fall asleep in the bathtub.

The elves walk offstage.  Mrs. Claus comes running back in with a pot of coffee.

MRS. CLAUS
Alright, the Angel will be here any minute so I need you to drink...

SANTA
(interrupts her singing)
Stairway to Heaven
(makes guitar noises)

MRS. CLAUS
Honey, look at me
(motions with hands)
Eye contact

SANTA
Alright.

MRS. CLAUS
I need you to drink some of this

SANTA
I'm not thirsty

MRS. CLAUS
Just drink it

SANTA
I'm actually more of a milk and cookies type of guy, surprise surprise

MRS. CLAUS
Forget it!

She grabs Santa by the hair and pulls him back and dumps the pot of coffee on his face.  The Angel has walked on stage with a Christmas tree unnoticed by Santa and Mrs. Claus.

ANGEL
Um...

Mrs. Claus turns around quickly and sets the coffee pot down.  Santa falls on his back when she lets go of him.

MRS. CLAUS
Oh, hello Angel.  We were just playing a little game

ANGEL
(confused)
Alright, that's
(beat)
Cool

Santa stands up and is angry.  He walks over and grabs his hat and puts it on his head.  He walks over next to Mrs. Claus about to yell at her but notices the Angel.

SANTA
Who in God's name are you

ANGEL
I'm the Angel

SANTA
(sarcastic)
No, really?

MRS. CLAUS
(hugging Santa)
Come on honey, let's let her set up the tree and will go get comfy and watch Sleepless In Seattle and

SANTA
(interrupting)
No!  Anything but Sleepless In Seattle!  But that's besides the point we need to have a serious talk, you have had my Elves wasting their time and now we have no toys for tomorrow

MRS. CLAUS
Let's not talk about this right now

ANGEL
Um...I'll just be real quick.  Santa

SANTA
What!

ANGEL
I just wanted to know where you would like me to put this Christmas tree and I'll be on my way.

SANTA
(laughing)
Ho Ho Ho
(stops)
You wanna' know where to put that tree, you can take that tree and...

Santa takes a step towards the Angel pointing at her as Mrs. Claus runs to cover his mouth.

They freeze as the lights dim and the Family room is lit up

UNCLE JOHNNY
And that
(beat)
Is why we put an Angel on top of the Christmas tree.

DANNY
How do you know all this stuff

KATIE
Yeah, how do we know you're not just making all this stuff

DAD
He is making all this stuff up because he is a liar

MOM
No, don't call him that, he's not making it up

UNCLE JOHNNY
Yeah, I'm not making it up, I know Santa, I used to work with him

DAD
Don't tell them that

UNCLE JOHNNY
What it's true

DANNY
No it's not

KATIE
Yeah, you don't know Santa

Santa walks on stage right

SANTA
Why are you kids staying up so late, I've been waiting up there for a good half hour, you think I have all the time in the world to visit every single person

Notices Johnny

SANTA
Hey Johnny

UNCLE JOHNNY
Hey Santa

All the others are amazed

SANTA
You know what, you know 'm here, I'll just throw some toys under the tree and be on my way

Puts some toys on the floor, begins to walk out

UNCLE JOHNNY
Hey Santa

Santa stops and turns around

UNCLE JOHNNY
Pound it

Santa walks over and pounds fists with Uncle Johnny, than turns and leaves, everyone stares at Uncle Johnny in amazement

UNCLE JOHNNY
What?

MOM
Ok, I think its time for some carols

DAD
Wait, what?

MOM
Carols

DAD
When did you work for Santa

MOM
CAROLS

UNCLE JOHNNY
Couple of winters ago, I was young and I needed the money

Mom turns on stereo, "Hark the Herald Angel Sings" and they stand up and start singing along, tape gets cut off, "I'm too sexy for my Shirt" starts playing

DAD
Darn it Uncle Johnny, you taped over the Christmas carols

UNCLE JOHNNY
Yeah, this song rocks

Everyone just kind of walks away, Uncle Johnny starts dancing and singing along and is soon joined by Santa.

Lights come down