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COLD OPEN INT. OFFICE - DAY 1 JIM, PAM, and KEVIN are gathered around ANDY playing a first person shooter game on his computer. JIM Aw! ANDY Yes! You are now looking at the top score holder! One try -- eat it Big Tuna! PAM I got next! DWIGHT watches over them near ANGELA. He wears a mysterious deep red and black cloak with the hood draped over his head. She is dressed up like a cat. She does not look at him. ANGELA Just go over there. I am sure they would let you play if you ask. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD In cloak, hood down. His hair is powdered gray, face pale -- sickly. DWIGHT For this Hallow's Eve, I am going as a man with a terminal illness with little time left to live. Touching, I know. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - EARLY MORNING - SAME DAY Shades drawn. Dwight clicks open his brief case and takes out a red and black garment, neatly folded. He places it on the table. DWIGHT (V.O.) (as Jigsaw) Everyone is missing something from their so-called lives, a piece of the puzzle to make them whole. He takes out a silver mini-cassette recorder marked "Play Me" and places it next to the cloak. DWIGHT (V.O.) (CONT'D) (as Jigsaw) I am here to simply point out what part of the puzzle is missing. Their faults will be tested. He puts on the cloak. DWIGHT (V.O.) (CONT'D) (as Jigsaw) They call me Jigsaw. INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER They are now gathered around Pam. TOBY has stopped to watch. TOBY Looks like fun. Good job Pam. JIM I got next! PAM It won't matter Halpert. You'll have a new score to beat. KEVIN You suck. ANDY No! Dwight approaches. DWIGHT (as Jigsaw) I want to play a game. They ignore him. END OF COLD OPEN ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY 1 Pam hands out candy from a bowl to a VANCE REFRIGERATION EMPLOYEE and her young KIDS. KIDS Trick or treat! PAM Here you go. You're scary... Kevin is captivated by the bowl of fun-size candy bars. PAM TALKING HEAD PAM I decided to not get dressed up this year for Halloween. I'm going as Pam because Pam is nice and friendly and not Angela. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Angela, with cat whiskers painted on her face, holds rolls of streamers up for Pam and PHYLLIS to see. ANGELA (to Phyllis) True or false? -- black and orange are the only two acceptable colors for Halloween. PHYLLIS I-- ANGELA True! Then why did you also get red?! Dwight enters and reports. DWIGHT I just spoke to Michael. He said there must be ice cream cake or nothing. His words, not mine. ANGELA Ahhhhg! Angela storms out. Dwight smiles -- turned on. ANGELA TALKING HEAD ANGELA I am under a considerable amount of pressure. Cupcakes or brownies, plastic or paper plates... These are all things to consider when planning a party. INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER SPY SHOT: Kevin stares at the bowl of candy resting at reception. Dwight prepares for his next victim by rewinding the tape recorder at his desk. Jim watches. JIM (V.O.) So, Dwight is dressed up as a homicidal maniac for Halloween. No real surprise there. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM At this point I'd like to tell the camera crew, "I told you so." Seriously, "I told you so." Be careful. TOBY TALKING HEAD Under the talking head, there's a shot of Dwight playing the mini-cassette recorder for STANLEY. He rolls his eyes. TOBY Dwight made a tape for every employee at the Scranton branch basically pointing out what he considers as our faults. Including one for Hank, the security guard -- some complaint about traffic cones. EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME DAY HANK hand-trucks a portable handicapped parking sign and places it in front of Dwight's car. INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER MICHAEL enters for the day. He is wearing a chocolate brown vampire cape and carrying a grocery bag. MICHAEL (as vampire) Happy Hallow-veen everyone! Michael TAPS at reception. PAM Oh, hey Michael. Happy Halloween. MICHAEL Thank you, Pam. I love your costume. Pam looks to the camera -- huh? I'm not wearing one. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Hey Dwight. You just got a ticket on for parking in the handicapped spot. Good job. Dwight jolts to the window. DWIGHT (to self) Again! Damn it! MICHAEL Way to be sensitive to all of our cripple friends. I think you should start by apologizing to Creed. CREED But I'm not handicapped. MICHAEL You're old -- that's close enough. Still a disability. (then) So, is everyone ready to par-tay?! (to Pam) Has the ice cream cake been ordered? What do you say Kevin? Ice cream cake. Yum. Kevin nods, salivating. Jim raises his hand. JIM Who are you supposed to be? MICHAEL Only the bestest costume ever... I will give you a clue. Michael inserts buck teeth into his mouth and grabs his cape for dramatic flair... MICHAEL (CONT'D) (as vampire) I vant to eat your cereal. I vant to eat your cereal... No vone? Jim raises his hand. JIM I know. Frankenberry. Kevin smirks -- "Jim is so messing with him." MICHAEL Frankenberry is a Frankenstein's Monster who likes berry-flavored cereal. I'm-- JIM Right. That's you. You're Frankenberry. Michael holds up a box of Count Chocula next to his face. MICHAEL Really... KEVIN Yeah, I totally used to eat that all the time. Frankenberry. Michael looks to the camera, frustrated. Pam smiles at Jim. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER The box of vintage Count Chocula cereal rests on his desk. Dwight draws an exaggerated widow's peak on Michael's forehead with a brown dry-erase marker. DWIGHT Do not sweat. MICHAEL (impatient) Come on, come on... (then) What are you supposed to be again? DWIGHT (as Jigsaw) Everyone is missing something from their so-called lives, a piece of the puzzle to make them whole. I am here to simply point out what part of the puzzle-- He stops listening and SHUSHES him with his hand. MICHAEL (excited, to camera) Cause I'm Count Chocula. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL Why Count Chocula? Because Frankenberry is for sissies, like Jim and Kevin. And Booberry is for girls-- Actually, when I was a boy my mother wouldn't let me eat any of the "sugar" cereals, like Cap't Crunch, et cetera... I was prone to night terrors. But one Halloween, my mother's boyfriend at the time -- I don't remember his name. There were many -- bought me a box of Count Chocula behind her back... He raises the box for the camera. MICHAEL (CONT'D) This box of Count Chocula. I don't think they even make this stuff anymore. The milk would even turn chocolate! He shakes the box -- a look of surprise. He looks inside. INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER SPY SHOT: Pam plays a Halloween version of solitaire on her computer. She looks up to find the silver mini-cassette recorder marked "Play Me" in front of her. She is curious. Dwight stands at the copy machine. He smirks in anticipation. Pam hesitates but presses 'play' anyway... TAPE HISS. DWIGHT (V.O.) (over mini-cassette, as Jigsaw) Pamela Beesly, your inability to decide between Jim and Roy has debilitated your life. I am giving you the opportunity to set yourself free... I want to play a game. You must go out on a date with Mose Schrute. Note -- like all Schrutes, he is an expert grappler so don't even think about escaping... MOSE, Dwight's cousin, enters the office with a bouquet of wild flowers and polo shirt. DWIGHT (CONT'D) (to Mose, intense whisper) No, not yet. Dwight shoos him away. Mose is disappointed. Jim looks to the camera. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Mose doesn't get out much. The only regular female contact he's had was with his mother and she coddled him. (then) I haven't been coddled since I was three months old. This is why I have never lost a feat of strength to Mose. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM The task I was given to complete was to sell more paper in one week than Dwight -- which prompted Jigsaw, on the cassette, to laugh uncontrollably. INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER JIM (into phone) Thank you, Sir. I will tell Dwight you said hi. Thanks. He hangs up and leans back on his chair, arms behind his head and satisfied. Dwight plays the mini-recorder for MEREDITH, who is dressed like a Native American Indian. Inaudible. JIM (V.O.) (CONT'D) While Dwight was playing Jigsaw all morning, I answered his sales call for Camera Hut -- the largest regional buyer of our sixty-five pound bond laser photo paper. Back to Jim, satisfied. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM Task completed... Thanks Dwight. INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING - A LITTLE LATER Angela shows Kevin what a FedEx envelope looks like. He nods. ANGELA (V.O.) Kevin has requested more responsibility... ANGELA TALKING HEAD ANGELA Today I am training him to pick up our paychecks from FedEx downstairs. He will have this responsibility once every two weeks. INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING - CONTINUOUS ANGELA Kevin, what do you do first? KEVIN I wait for Pam to tell me that FedEx has arrived. Michael walks up to them, trying to hold back laughter... ANGELA What do you do second? KEVIN I go downstairs... And sign for the package. ANGELA Good. What do you do third? He thinks for a beat. KEVIN I come directly back upstairs, no stops, and give the package to either you or Oscar. Angela smiles like a proud teacher. Oscar fist bumps him. ANGELA Correct. Michael giggles. Angela turns to him, annoyed. ANGELA (CONT'D) What is it Michael? MICHAEL Oh nothing... Hey, I was just wondering. You used to work for FedEx, right? ANGELA No, Michael. Why? MICHAEL That's funny. Cause I thought I just saw you checking out my package. He points to his trousers. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Get it? My package?! Michael busts out laughing. Angela fumes. Kevin laughs too. KEVIN Good one Michael. Angela storms off. MICHAEL Come on Angela! You should have seen it coming! Oscar saw it coming! (re: crotch) Right, Oscar? Oscar is not pleased as Michael has to lean on their desk to catch his breath from laughing so hard. KEVIN That is so great. OSCAR TALKING HEAD OSCAR Would it be rude to say that I didn't see it coming? MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL And then I-- (points to trousers) Package... Back to laughing histerically. INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER Dwight sits down at his desk and downs a whole bottled water. Jim watches. He finishes. DWIGHT (to camera) Changing lives makes me thirsty. Phyllis glares at him -- a definite sign of resentment. PHYLLIS (to KAREN, whispers) He called me fat. JIM Dwight, did you leave your tape recorder in the conference room? DWIGHT Jim, don't be an idiot. I have it right here. A surgeon never forgets his tools. JIM Hmmm? That's odd..? Dwight looks to Jim, then to the conference room. SPY SHOT: On the conference table sits another silver mini cassette recorder labeled "Play Me." Next to it is a cassette labeled "Dwight" and a pair of Hello Kitty sunglasses. He gets up and looks around the conference room from the window, fogging it with his breath. He looks to Jim, then back to the conference room, concerned. DWIGHT (V.O.) Is it possible that Jigsaw is a real person? No-- INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Dwight reaches for the recorder but stops himself, hesitant or nervous. He walks back and forth as he tries to psych himself up to take it. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Make that definitely a maybe. There is always a chance that the movie was based on true events. INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - A LITTLE LATER Dwight stares to the conference room, bewildered. SPY SHOT: the recorder rests on the table untouched. DWIGHT (V.O.) Therefore, I have to take proper precautions because my chances may be based on true chances. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. BREAKROOM - LATER - DAY 1 Dwight picks a snack from the vending machine. Jim and Pam sit at the table, sharing corn chips. KELLY enters, wearing the same cloak but dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood instead. KELLY Oh, hey guys. PAM Hey Kelly. You look cute. KELLY Thanks. Kelly takes out a dollar but suddenly stops in her tracks... KELLY (CONT'D) Oh my God. I can't believe someone is wearing the same outfit as me! This is like so embarrassing. Dwight turns around to see that she wears the same cloak. JIM Dwight, why are you dressed up like Little Red Riding Hood? Dwight scowls at Kelly. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT I detest Little Red Riding Hood. Question -- how hard is it to identify a wolf? I can identify a wolf from three hundred yards. And I have. (then) No sheep have ever been taken on my watch. INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER Meredith waits to get into the fridge after Phyllis. Phyllis looks behind her and sniffs something offensive. She leans in to Meredith to whisper... PHYLLIS (judgemental) You smell like a bar. MEREDITH TALKING HEAD She pops a cough drop into her mouth. MEREDITH (belligerent, to crew) There. Better? She leaves the interview, angry. INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Kelly walks past Andy. ANDY Wow, great costume Kelly. Sexy. KELLY Thanks Andy. Andy looks to the camera -- what do you think? KAREN catches Kelly turning to look back at Andy as she walks away. KELLY TALKING HEAD KELLY (sweetly) Andy? I don't know. I'm pretty sure he knows all my favorite N'Sync songs. So that's super cool. INT. OFFICE - EARLIER TODAY Andy is at the copy machine. ANDY (in song, to self) It might sound crazy but it ain't no lie. Baby, bye, bye, bye... Kelly admires from a far. KELLY TALKING HEAD KELLY Oh and he totally thinks TomKat is the best Hollywood couple. INT. OFFICE - ANDY'S DESK - A LITTLE LATER SPY SHOT: Andy surfs Myspace. ANDY (V.O.) What music does she like? Hollywood couples? That's easy. I went to her Myspace page-- Ever heard of it? Kelly's Myspace profile page, "Kelly(hearts)Ryan." Her avatar photo is of her kissing a reluctant RYAN on the cheek. ANDY TALKING HEAD ANDY She doesn't know it yet, but she just received a comment from "The Everlasting Drew-stopper." Thanks for the add. INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION - A LITTLE LATER Michael approaches reception. He looks to the camera -- watch this. MICHAEL Wow, look at all of this chocolate. May I? Michael picks up the bowl of fun-size. Kevin stares. MICHAEL (CONT'D) I'm having trouble deciding. So many choices... He pours the whole bowl into his mouth -- most of it hits the floor. He makes cookie monster sounds. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Yum, yum, yum... Pam stands up to look at the mess. PAM TALKING HEAD PAM I am making Michael go out to buy some more fun-size candy bars because they all touched his mouth. A lot of us are claiming "Cooties." KEVIN TALKING HEAD KEVIN That's candy abuse. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL I really don't see what the big deal is... I have great memories of having cooties as a kid. I was like the cootie king. In fact, I was usually stuck with them all day cause the other kids had "shots" and "no touch-backs"... INT. BREAKROOM - A LITTLE LATER Karen sits at the table alone circling want ads in the news paper. Meredith walks past the window, using the wall to balance herself. KAREN TALKING HEAD KAREN No one talks to me anymore and Radio Shack is hiring. INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - CONTINUOUS Dwight cannot concentrate on his work. He looks over to the conference room -- it is haunting him. DWIGHT (intense, to self) That's it. I'm going in. I have to know. Dwight crosses to the conference room. Jim watches. INT. OFFICE - LATER RING. Pam answers. PAM Hello, Dunder Mifflin. Pam speaking... Okay, I'll send someone down. She hangs up. She looks over the accounting cubical wall. PAM (CONT'D) Kevin, FedEx is here. KEVIN Thanks Pam. Kevin looks nervous. Oscar fist bumps Kevin. KEVIN (CONT'D) Thanks Oscar. I can do this. Kevin gets up. Angela waits. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Dwight contemplates the items on the table one last time. He jumps to pick up the recorder and quickly puts in the tape labeled "Dwight." He presses 'play'... TAPE HISS. He listens intently. JIGSAW (V.O.) (over mini-cassette) Dwight K. Schrute. For hours you have been pretending to be me. I've been watching. INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Angela escorts Kevin past reception to the exit. Oscar follows. JIGSAW (V.O.) You have much to hide behind your costume. Secrets that loved ones depend on you to keep. I wonder how they would feel if you betrayed them? INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS JIGSAW (V.O.) (over mini-cassette) Play time is now over, Dwight... I want to play a game. He looks down to the recorder in his hand, nervous. JIGSAW (V.O.) (CONT'D) (over mini-cassette) Here are the rules. In front of you is a pair of sunglasses. You must wear these sunglasses at all times or your precious secrets will be exposed for what they really are... INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS The elevator door closes in front of Angela and Kevin... JIGSAW (V.O.) A hidden life shared by nobody except yourself. Your task starts... INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Dwight quickly puts the sunglasses on over his glasses. JIGSAW (V.O.) (over mini-cassette) Now. I will be watching. Suddenly, the lights start to flicker on and off -- power surges. INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Computer monitors flicker with the lights. Dwight enters from the conference room. PHYLLIS (to Stanley, concerned) What's going on? Stanley doesn't look up from his crossword puzzle. Phyllis shoots him a look. ANDY (panicked) Stanley, please stay calm! Stanley rolls his eyes. JIM Nice sunglasses, Dwight. Dwight looks around, serious. DWIGHT Nice brain, Jim. (then) Pam! Activate the emergency procedures! Section three, sub section two! Pam looks to Dwight, then to Jim -- huh? DWIGHT (CONT'D) (shocked) I gave them to you in the March of two thousand five. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD Dwight holds a hefty binder labeled "Emergency Procedures." DWIGHT All together I compiled twenty-three sections, each with at least nine sub sections. Section two dealt with terrorist attacks. Under the talking head, there is a shot of Dwight adding a photograph of SADIQ, the Muslim IT tech to the binder. It is labeled "NOT A TERRORIST." DWIGHT (CONT'D) Section thirteen dealt with supernatural disasters. Thirteen, sub-section eight is what to do in case the office is under attack by brainless zombies. (then) I called that one "The Kevin Protocols." INT. KITCHEN (FLASHBACK) - MARCH 2005 Pam places the hefty binder in back of the cleaning supplies under the sink. She closes the cabinet door and walks away. DWIGHT (V.O.) I only made one other copy. Which was to be placed in a convenient location and properly labeled in case of an emergency. INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS More flickering... Toby walks up to Jim and Pam. TOBY Should we be exiting? (to Dwight) Are those Hello Kitty sunglasses? Suddenly, the lights go out with a POP! People jump. ANDY (Bleep)! Dwight hits the floor. Pam grabs Jim's hand. Karen spies it. KAREN TALKING HEAD KAREN Radio Shack. INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The emergency lights go on. The office is now dimly lit. Dwight army crawls to his desk. He flicks on a high-powered flash light and points it in every direction. It HUMS with power. He stands. DWIGHT Do not be alarmed! This is a standard issue fireman's search lamp! I am scanning the perimeter! SPY SHOT: Meredith raises her hands over her head as if she is being arrested. Andy is blinded by the light. ANDY I can't see! Andy trips over a garbage can. CRASH. ANDY (CONT'D) Ow! My knee! (Bleep)! DWIGHT Everyone please stay calm! There is no reason to panic! Has anyone seen Michael? PAM I sent him to get candy. DWIGHT Good, then I will set up my search and rescue team. JIM Wo! I thought you were Jigsaw? DWIGHT After the emergency is over. Right now, I will appoint Pam and Oscar to my team. Pam-- JIM Oscar is not here-- DWIGHT Fine. Then I pick... Stanley. STANLEY The only thing I am searching for is a six-letter word for idiot. The first letter is a "D." KAREN Who are you rescuing anyway? We're all still sitting here. ANDY (O.C.) A little help?! Please?! Oscar runs in from the hallway, frantic. He holds the FedEx package. OSCAR Kevin and Angela never made to the FedEx guy! I think they're stuck in the elevator! PHYLLIS Oh my God! JIM Can you hear them in there?! ANDY Someone call '911'... I think I really hurt my knee! The office exits to the hallway. Andy still lays on the floor clutching his knee. As Dwight exits to the hallway, he reaches inside the office plant and pulls out a crow bar, confident. DWIGHT Amateurs... A MYSTERY PERSON dressed as a ghost in a simple white sheet crosses to the kitchen and opens the fridge. ANDY (spooked) Who's there?! Stanley? Karen? Kelly?! INT. DOWNSTAIRS LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Michael waits for the elevator and presses the 'up' button a couple times. He carries a bag of fun-size candy bars. Hank rushes past him to the stairs. CHATTER rings from his two-way. Michael watches him pass, unaffected. He pushes the button one more time and looks to the camera -- what gives? FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE FADE IN: DWIGHT TALKING HEAD - LATER DWIGHT One thing I've learned from movies... In times of emergency, in times of panic, a leader must rise to the occasion. The Poseiden Adventure, The Towering Inferno... All the Harry Potter movies. I was born to watch people lead. No, wait. I was born to-- Jim pops his head in... JIM The firemen are here. DWIGHT Follow me Jim. JIM No, you follow me. He does. INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER - STILL DAY 1 Everyone stands around the elevator door. FIREMEN just arrived to the scene. FIREMAN ONE Has anyone made contact? OSCAR Yes, they seem to be okay. A little panicked at first, but I talked them through it. Dwight enters next to Kelly. He scowls at her again. FIREMAN TWO Good-- DWIGHT Who is the commanding officer here? FIREMAN ONE I guess I am. Who are you? DWIGHT I'm-- Michael enters. MICHAEL Count Chocula... Michael introduces himself with a hand shake. His widow's peek is smeared slightly from sweating. MICHAEL (CONT'D) But you can call me Michael, if you're nasty. I am their boss. How are things going? FIREMAN ONE Nothing that we can't handle. Black outs can cause some serious damage. MEREDITH Tell me about it. MICHAEL I'm just happy no one is injured. ANDY I hurt my knee. MICHAEL (coughs it out) Wuss. FIREMAN ONE Sir, we will check that out for you. Andy reaches to use Stanley's shoulder as a crutch. STANLEY Do not touch me. Jim helps him out instead. Pam watches and smiles. PAM TALKING HEAD PAM Let's see... If I had to be stuck in an elevator for three hours with someone, who would I pick? (considers, to crew) Are there cameras in the elevator? No? (then) Jim. I'd pick Jim. Next question... JIM TALKING HEAD JIM I'd pick Pam. That was easy. Next question... INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS FIREMAN TWO BANGS on the door three times and yells through the door to them... FIREMAN TWO Hello! This is the Scranton Area Fire Department! We will get you out of there as soon as we can! KEVIN (O.S.) (muffled) Awesome. FIREMAN TWO Is everyone okay?! ANGELA (O.S.) (muffled) Yes, I think so. Is Dwight up there? Michael butts in. MICHAEL Why?! Do you want us to ask him to leave?! Dwight... Beat of silence. ANGELA (O.S.) (low-level and muffled) No. Dwight smiles. Kelly looks up to him. Dwight notices and drops the smile. Fireman Two bends down to inspect the elevator door. The door has clearly been bent in and tampered using a blunt object. FIREMAN TWO What the hell?! It looks like someone tried to open this door with a crowbar. Everyone looks to Dwight. Toby especially peers at him. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT A crowbar or even bare fingers have been useful tools in opening elevator doors... TOBY TALKING HEAD TOBY (re: Dwight) A crowbar or bare fingers have been useful tools in opening elevator doors... In the movies. INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS HANK Little Red Riding Hood over there did it. He points toward Dwight and Kelly. Dwight glares back at Hank. FIREMAN ONE (sympathetic, to Kelly) Listen lady, I realize you wanted to help but-- HANK Not her, him. FIREMAN TWO (scolding) Hey Buddy. Leave the hero stuff to the professionals. MICHAEL Dwight, what's with the sunglasses? JIM Yeah Dwight. Tell him. DWIGHT I cannot reveal-- JIM When we lost power, he tried to kiss me so I punched him in the eye. It was really awkward. DWIGHT That is not true! Take that back! JIM Okay, it wasn't awkward. But I still punched him-- DWIGHT Stop that! HANK Well, my job's done here. FIREMAN ONE Thanks for your help Hank. MICHAEL Yeah, thanks Hank. (to camera) Always very helpful when I need to jump my car. HANK Anytime... He looks to Michael as he heads for the stairs. HANK (CONT'D) (to self) Some kind of poop-colored Dracula..? Hank shakes his head. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL Apparently, while I was waiting for the elevator in the lobby, Kevin and Angela were trapped inside of it. Who would've known? I waited for a while. EXT. PARKING LOT - A LITTLE LATER FIREMAN THREE lifts a dead squirrel from its tail off the ground under a transformer pole next to the parking lot. MICHAEL (V.O.) All it took was one little squirrel trying to store its nuts in the building's transformer and zap! -- fried squirrel, fried nuts, no power and a reason for emergency end-of-world sex... I asked Pam. He looks up to the transformer. He cups his eyes from the sun. INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER FIREMAN THREE (V.O.) (over walkie) The power company is on their way. I have a dead transformer out here and a dead squirrel for dinner. Is anyone hungry up there? The firemen laugh. The women look disgusted. THE WOMEN Ill... Yuck... FIREMAN ONE (chuckling) No thanks, Henry. CREED Is he serious? CREED TALKING HEAD CREED Squirrels make excellent stew. INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS The WAREHOUSE WORKERS have joined the crowd. LONNY has a white sheet draped over his shoulder. Andy keeps looking at him. Fireman Two BANGS on the door three times and yells through the door to them... Michael butts in. MICHAEL Do you think we will still have the party?! FIREMAN TWO (to Michael) Sir, please. Let us handle this. (to the elevator) Power should be restored within minutes! Please be patient! We will get you out of there soon! MICHAEL And then we'll party! Woo! No one shares in the excitement. DARRYL Let the guy do his job, Michael. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT I'd pick Michael and instead of an elevator, it would be a rocket as the planet Earth is exploding... (beat, then reconsiders) I take that back. I'd pick a female with child-bearing hips. INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - A LITTLE LATER Michael holds a deck of cards. MICHAEL Okay! Magic trick while we wait. I need a volunteer! Dwight is the only one to raise his hand. MICHAEL (CONT'D) You, kind sir. He points to MADGE, a burly female warehouse employee. She glares at him. MADGE I'm a girl. MICHAEL I wasn't pointing to you. I was pointing to Andy. Andy is yards away from where she stands. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Andy, hop over here. Andy starts to hop, then... The lights go on -- things start to power up. The crowd is relieved and buzzing. We can hear the elevator moving. Andy is stuck in limbo -- no one to hold onto and wobbly. All eyes on the elevator. FIREMAN ONE Everyone, please stand back. Give them some air. DING. The door opens. The firemen take a step back. FIREMAN TWO (something smells) Whew! Man! They cough. Kevin walks out, relieved but embarrassed. People move forward to greet Kevin -- fist bumps and reaffirming hand shakes. KEVIN Did anyone call my fiancé? OSCAR Yeah, she said she was too busy. In dramatic form, Dwight splits Meredith and Phyllis out of his view. Angela walks out. She looks around, spots Dwight. She smiles. Dwight approaches. Both calm. DWIGHT Hello Angela. ANGELA Hello Dwight. DWIGHT I'm glad that you are okay. She smiles discreetly. Jim hands Kevin a bag of fun-size candy bars. JIM Here you go, Buddy? KEVIN Thanks Jim. PAM Thank Michael-- KEVIN He didn't touch these, did he? MICHAEL (to Angela) How's my little package handler? Here, I'll block your view. He covers his crotch with his hands. He starts to laugh. Angela storms off -- moment ruined. DWIGHT I don't get it. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD His widow's peak is completely smeared. MICHAEL The ice cream cake melted but it's still good -- like a milk shake. People like milk shakes. And may I say... People really seemed to enjoy my costume. (then) Especially me. DWIGHT AND ANGELA TALKING HEAD DWIGHT After much discussion, Angela and I have decided to take our relationship to the next level. ANGELA To friendship. DWIGHT We have decided to smile at each other in public and I have decided to open the door for her. ANGELA Except in front of Kevin, Oscar, Toby, Phyllis... DWIGHT Jim, Andy-- ANGELA And Kelly... He takes off the sunglasses. DWIGHT So, I guess I won't be needing these anymore, Jigsaw. Dwight K. Schrute is now out of the closet. And Proud. Angela looks to Dwight -- huh? FADE OUT. END OF ACT THREE TAG ANGELA TALKING HEAD ANGELA And Pam, and Michael, and Meredith, and Creed. The warehouse workers, especially Madge and if Ryan ever comes back... END OF SHOW
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