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COLD OPEN
TITLE: 1:15 PM
TITLE: On a Tuesday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
1 OVER TITLES, WE HEAR: 1
FRANK (V.O.)
So, without any one else left in
his crew, he walks toward the edge
of the ship.
FADE IN:
2 INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY 2
All of the lights are off. Frank and Charlie are sitting at
the bar, with Frank holding a flashlight to his face. Dee is
standing behind the bar, listening.
FRANK (CONT'D)
And, as the moonlight bounces off
the water, the man JUMPS OFF AND
PLUNGES TO HIS DEATH!
Charlie stares at Frank in amazement, Dee looks disappointed.
CHARLIE
I...Wow! That was... Wow.
DEE
Frank, that wasn't a scary story,
that was a story about a man who
killed himself because his
shipmates died of pneumonia.
FRANK
Exactly! It's the suspense that
gets ya!
CHARLIE
I was scared, I mean, who wants to
be on a boat alone? I sure don't.
Dennis and Mac barge in a hit the lights. Dennis is holding
a pamphlet and Mac is holding a binder--both excited.
MAC
We got it!
Both walk behind the bar and join the group.
FRANK
Got what?
DENNIS
We have finally figured out how we
can make some extra cash AND
advertise Paddy's at the same time.
Frank's interest seems peaked. Dee appears skeptical.
FRANK
How?
MAC
What has this bar always been
missing?
DEE
Customers?
MAC
Yes, Dee, customers. But what do
other bars have that we don't?
FRANK
Naked chicks.
DENNIS
No, Frank, food! People want food.
CHARLIE
That's true, people do like food.
DEE
How are we going to serve food? We
don't even have a kitchen!
MAC
Well, it's simple. Dennis and I
were up last night watching the
Food Network, and it hit us. We
get a...
DENNIS AND MAC
FOOD TRUCK!
The two wait with eager smiles for approval. The others seem
unsure.
DENNIS
And!
MAC
Here's the kicker!
DENNIS
We advertise Paddy's on the truck!
Frank and Dee both seem to be pleased, Charlie is still
unsure.
MAC
It's a double whammy!
Charlie suddenly perks up.
CHARLIE
Ohhh, a double whammy! Nice, dude.
FRANK
I like it.
DEE
I actually do, too. I'm in.
DENNIS
No, Dee, you're going to stay in
the bar while we're out on the
streets.
DEE
Aww, come on! You always stick me
in the bar. Well, you know what,
fine! I'll setup a little kitchen
in the back with my grill and sell
food myself.
Dee storms off to the back room.
MAC
Don't care. So (to Frank and
Charlie)? You in?
CHARLIE
Hell yeah!
FRANK
Oooh! We should let Charlie cook!
CHARLIE
Now you're talking!
MAC
Cook what? Milk steaks and cat
food?
CHARLIE
(light bulb) Milk steak! Aw man I
didn't even think of that!
FRANK
Delicious!
CHARLIE
(to Frank) We could have a whole
milk-based menu, man, it'd be
awesome!
FRANK
Great idea, Charlie!
DENNIS
No! I will be doing the cooking.
Mac will be on the streets getting
customers, and you two will be in
charge of sending customers to the
bar. It's perfect.
FRANK
No one wants that pussy lettuce and
fish shit you eat, Dennis. If
we're gonna make money we have to
appeal to the masses!
MAC
Well, Charlie's not cooking and
thats final.
FRANK
Fine, then Charlie and I will start
our OWN truck, Dee will cook here,
and we'll see who makes the most
money.
DENNIS
Fine! Then it's a race. First one
to $1,000 in profit wins.
FRANK
You're on!
MAC
The Awesome Food Truck Race.
CUT TO:
2A MAIN TITLES 2A
Title: "The Awesome Food Truck Race"
Title: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
3 EXT. BUSY PHILADELPHIA STREET - DAY 3
Dennis and Mac are standing on the sidewalk staring at a food
truck with the billboard Frank made in the Billboard episode
on the side of it--except Dennis's face is superimposed over
Frank's and "Paddy's Pub" is spray-painted in green letters
across the top.
MAC
Wow, dude! How did you get a food
truck already?
DENNIS
Oh, that was the easy part, I took
out a loan in Dee's name. The hard
part was finding the right picture
of myself to put over Frank.
MAC
Well, I got this sweet bullhorn for
myself, and got you this.
Mac reveals a chef's hat.
DENNIS
That is awesome, bro. Let's do
this.
They both stand back and admire the ad on the truck.
4 INT. PADDY'S FOODTRUCK - LATER 4
Dennis is writing on a notepad as numerous pans behind him
are sizzling. Mac is wearing a green Paddy's shirt.
DENNIS
So, for the appetizers, I'm making
a nice pan seared scallop, and a
lobster ravioli.
Make SURE you tell people that it
is NOT gluten free.
MAC
Jesus, Dennis, where did you learn
to cook like this?
DENNIS
Cooking is a sensual art, my
friend. And I am a sensual man. I
was born with this ability.
MAC
That's awesome! What about entrees?
DENNIS
(smirking) Oh, Mac. 'Entrees' are
for chain restaurants. Mine is a
main course. I'm preparing a
lovely foie gras with a blackberry
sauce and toast.
MAC
That's it?
DENNIS
'That's it?' That's all people need
to eat, trust me. Their bodies will
be lucky to contain the pleasure
that is my cooking. A few may even
take their clothes off in ecstasy.
MAC
That's cool with me, dude! Frank
and Dee don't stand a chance!
CUT TO:
5 EXT. RUN DOWN PHILADELPHIA STREET - SAME TIME 5
Frank and Charlie are sitting under a worn pop-up tent, with
two pot grills. A cardboard sign is hanging from it, reading
"Milk Heaven". A pot is steaming on one of the grills.
CHARLIE
Okay, the milk is boiling, I let
the bread sit out over night, and I
got my can-opener, so I'm all set.
FRANK
Great! Now all we have to do is get
some customers, and I got a plan!
I'm gonna go down the block to that
restaurant and tell them that
they're eating poisoned food.
Then, when they run out of the
restaurant, we'll be here to clean
up!
CHARLIE
Oh, yeah, that's good. Well, don't
you think maybe people will be a
little too grossed out to want to
eat right away?
FRANK
Right...because of the poison.
CHARLIE
I'm just saying maybe we should
leave poison out of this one.
Dee jogs up to the tent and looks around in disgust.
DEE
Jesus Christ, you guys, you call
this a food truck?
FRANK
It works the same, and we can just
pack it up and take it where we
want.
DEE
And what is that smell?
CHARLIE
I just fried up the tuna and eggs.
Dee grimaces, while Charlie moves the food on the pan around
with his can-opener.
CHARLIE
Would you like to try a milk
sandwich? It's my latest creation.
DEE
What the hell is a milk sandwich?
CHARLIE
It's exactly what it sounds like.
FRANK
Trust me, it's good, people will
love it.
DEE
It sounds like you just pour milk
on two slices of bread.
CHARLIE
It's an acquired taste okay, Dee? I
don't see you making anything.
FRANK
Yeah, why aren't you at the bar?
DEE
(proudly) Because I am taking a
break after my killer lunch
service. I sold over 150 of Dee's
Famous Dogs!
Dee opens her jacket to reveal a t-shirt that has her face, a
hot dog and "Dee's Dogs" printed on it.
FRANK
150 hot dogs just at lunch?!
DEE
Yeah, that's right! And most of
them are telling their friends,
because of how good they were, so
chew on that one, bitches!
Dee runs off, gloating.
CHARLIE
Oh man, we better pick up the pace
here Frank, we need some customers
fast!
FRANK
Wait! Why don't I go get a couple
of broads to hold those arrow signs
on the corner? People always follow
busty chicks!
CHARLIE
That's it, that's the one.
FRANK
Great! I'll get the broads, you
make the signs!
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY
Dee is behind the bar frantically serving drinks, while
cooking hotdogs on a two portable grills. The bar is packed
with respectable looking people eating the hotdogs and having
a great time.
A man with a button-up shirt and loose tie walks up to her.
BUSINESS MAN
(yelling over noise) Wow, these
hotdogs are amazing! My co-worker
told me they came for lunch and
we've been telling everyone we
know!
DEE
Thanks so much! It's my own special
recipe!
BUSINESS MAN
Nothing like a woman that can cook
like this!
Dee momentarily is distracted from cooking, and seems
flattered.
DEE
Oh, yeah? I can do a mean load of
laundry, too.
She gives him the ol' elbow nudge, and the man leans in
toward her.
BUSINESS MAN
You don't say?
(BEAT)
Hey, how about after this place
clears out, we share a couple of
dogs and talk about why you're
still single?
Dee can barely contain herself with excitement.
DEE
That sounds great! Then maybe I can
clean out the cat litter box?
She leans in and nudges him with her elbow again. The joke
doesn't land with him.
BUSINESS MAN
Right...Or we can just talk.
DEE
Right, talk. Nevermind.
The two lean in a smile.
CUT TO:
EXT. PADDY'S FOODTRUCK - DAY
There is a huge line forming at the truck window. You can
see Dennis inside, casually working away over the stove, as
if everything is under control. People are standing around
eating the food, and seem very pleased. Mac is yelling into
his bullhorn as he takes money from customers, and hands them
their food.
MAC
Come on over folks! Try Paddy's
gourmet food truck! And don't
forget to head on over to Paddy's
Pub to wash it down with a cold
beer!
Mac looks in the window to Dennis.
MAC
Dude, this shit is CRAZY! Your food
is amazing!
DENNIS
I told you, buddy. Sensuality for
the taste buds.
MAC
Well, keep it up. At this rate,
we'll get to $1,000 in no time!
DENNIS
Hey, maybe we should start selling
the ravioli for a few dollars more,
it seems to be selling the best.
MAC
Great idea, so, instead of $6,
maybe...$8?
Dennis suddenly becomes very irritated.
DENNIS
$6?! You've been selling the
LOBSTER ravioli for $6?!
MAC
Well, yeah, dude, it's a food
truck? Pfff. I figure we sell at a
great price and the customers keep
flowing in.
Dennis is becoming more and more irate.
DENNIS
It costs me $18 dollars just to
make it, Mac!!! How are we supposed
to get to $1000 if we are losing
$12 every time we sell it?! How
much are you selling the foie gras
for?
Mac looks down at his notepad and stalls.
MAC
Ummm... $3.50.
DENNIS
$3.50?!?!
MAC
It's just duck liver and toast,
bro! It's like one bite of food!
DENNIS
Just duck liver?!?! It's one of the
most delectable things a person can
eat!
MAC
Well, you know what, I think it
tastes awful!
Dennis begins fuming, thinking of jumping across the counter
and strangling Mac.
DENNIS
SHUT IT DOWN!!
He throws his arms up and storms away.
CUT TO:
EXT. RUN DOWN PHILADELPHIA STREET - DAY
Frank is standing with two attractive young girls in front of
"Milk Heaven". The girls are holding cardboard signs in the
shape of arrows that read "Food Tent". Charlie is still
slaving away at the stove. A single homeless man is standing
at the tent, waiting to place his order.
FRANK
Okay, ladies, all we need you to do
is go down to that corner and stand
there looking pretty. Make sure
you tell everyone how amazing the
food is here.
GIRL ONE
I thought you were just serving
warm milk.
Charlie over-hears the comment, and responds in defense.
CHARLIE
It's a technique, alright?! It's
taken me years to master!
FRANK
Run along, shoo!
The girls make their way to the street corner, off camera.
CHARLIE
I hope this works Frank, I will NOT
let Dennis and Dee out-cook me!
FRANK
Don't worry it'll work!
CHARLIE
Well, just let me know when you see
people start to come, because I'm
in the weeds right now.
FRANK
Charlie, we've had one customer.
CHARLIE
Let me work, Frank! It's a
TECHNIQUE! I can't have you
breathing down my neck like this!
FRANK
Alright, alright. Just be prepared
for the crowd. If all goes well we
should be able to beat my idiot
kids, and show 'em a thing or two
about business!
EXT. RUN DOWN PHILADELPHIA STREET - LATER
Frank is sitting on a folding chair under the tent, drinking
a beer. Charlie is sitting next to him eating what appears
to be a milk sandwich.
CHARLIE
I don't think anyone is coming,
Frank.
FRANK
I don't get it! I mean, if I'm
walking down the street and see a
woman holding an arrow, I follow
the damn arrow!
CHARLIE
I know, same here. I once followed
an arrow a girl was holding and
walked the whole way to the airport
before I turned around.
FRANK
What was the sign for?
CHARLIE
I have no idea! That's the point,
you trust the girl holding the
arrow!
FRANK
Face it, Charlie. They beat us. I
don't know if we can show our faces
back in there for a while.
CHARLIE
Oh, no! I'm not giving up that
easily. I will share my milk-meals
with the world! This is not over!
Just then the two girls return. Only one holding an arrow.
FRANK
Where the hell have you two been?
And where's your arrow (to Girl
Two).
GIRL TWO
I lost it.
FRANK
You lost it? How do you lose it,
you were only a block away?
GIRL TWO
Hey, at least I wasn't holding mine
the wrong direction.
Frank looks at the girls in disbelief.
CHARLIE
Now it's over.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
CUT TO:
INT. PADDY'S PUB - NIGHT
The bar has cleared out, except for a few stragglers. Dee
and the man from earlier sit at a booth together, holding
hands across the table.
BUSINESS MAN
You know what, I don't even care.
DEE
Really?
BUSINESS MAN
Nooo! Of course not! All I want is
a woman who will take care of me
when I'm at home, and look the
other way when I sleep around on my
business trips. Why would I care
how many men you've been with?
DEE
Oh, whew! That's a relief. I
didn't want to tell you, but once I
said triple digits, I thought for
SURE you would have run off and...
The man releases her hands, and begins to look ill.
DEE
Are you okay?
BUSINESS MAN
No, yeah, I'm fine. Ever since I
left rehab I get these stomach
pains. I'll be okay.
DEE
Ohhh, rehab. I did that once.
Well, just for the welfare, haha,
but hey, who hasn't?
BUSINESS MAN
Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick.
He gets up and sprints out the door. Frank and Charlie walk
in after he leaves, each holding a crate full of milk jugs.
Dee gets up to plead with him.
DEE
Hey! Wait! I was...kidding? Come
back! Ah, shit.
Dee sits down at the pub table with Charlie and Frank.
FRANK
Who was that guy?
DEE
Just a guy who wanted a girl to
live with him in his big house, and
spend his money, while getting to
sleep with him...no big deal,
really. So, how did you guys do?
CHARLIE
Ehhh.... let's not get into that
right now.
FRANK
It's complicated.
CHARLIE
Yeah, we're still counting the
money, and I'm gonna try to return
all of the milk I bought, and...
it's complicated.
Mac and Dennis enter, much less pleased this time. Dee pulls
out a wad of cash.
DEE
(to all) Well, I made $1,127 on
Dee's Famous Dogs alone, not
counting the alcohol sales!
Dennis and Mac join the group at the table.
DENNIS
Save it. If Mac here knew what he
was doing we would have killed you!
FRANK
How'd you end up?
Dennis looks to Mac, who has his head hung in shame.
MAC
Negative $840.
FRANK
Well, after paying for the broads,
it looks like we just about broke
even. Looks like Dee wins.
MAC
Hey, at least we accomplished what
we wanted. We found a great way to
make a little extra money with this
place! Selling Dee's Famous Dogs!
CHARLIE
Wait, you mean the hotdogs in the
fridge in the basement?
Dee is beaming after winning the challenge and lazily answers
Charlie.
DEE
Yeah.
CHARLIE
I use those to keep the rats from
coming upstairs. They've been here
since we opened this place.
Dee's mood suddenly changes from joy to worry.
DEE
What? But, they're hotdogs.
They're still fine, I'm sure.
Right?
DENNIS
(to Charlie and Mac) I don't even
think that fridge works, does it?
Mac shakes his head, "no".
CHARLIE
Oh, no, actually I would bet it's
even warmer than room temperature.
A man in a suit and tie walks in.
LAWYER MAN
Excuse me? A few of my partners
ate here for lunch, and got
violently ill. They are filing the
first of numerous suits against
this bar.
He hands Dennis a piece of paper.
LAWYER MAN
If you want to settle, let us know.
Frank lights up.
FRANK
Charlie! That means we win!
Frank and Charlie start jumping up and down screaming "we
won!", while the rest watch in disgust.
FRANK AND CHARLIE
Milllllk sandwiches! Milk! Milk!
Sand-wich-es!
They begin to pour the jugs of milk on each other.
Dennis leans over to Dee while Frank and Charlie celebrate.
He hands her a set of keys.
DENNIS
These are to your new truck.
Dee seems confused.
DEE
My what?
Frank and Charlie are now shirtless, still dumping milk on
each other.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT THREE
END OF EPISODE
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