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EXT - NIGHT - OLD COUNTRY ROAD
A truck is sputtering along an old country road, in the
middle of nowhere. Inside are Jizzem (21) and The Rum (22).
JIZZEM
This is the last time I trust you
with getting directions.
RUMDIZZLE
Jack drew us a map, it's all him
JIZZ
Right. I'm just ready to get
hammered. We've been looking for an
hour.
RUM
Why again are we hanging with jack
anyway? Last time we attended one
of his "Parties" it was in a shit
small trailer... in the boonies...
(Rum gestures out the window)
RUM
...with these obese amazons, and
very little fucking beer.
JIZZ
At least there was a lot of weed.
RUM
You know I hate tripping out.
JIZZ
Look, tonight is gonna be awesome.
Forget about last time, for now
lets just worry if my truck is
going to make it...
Jizzem's truck hood suddenly BURSTS into flames.
RUM
You fucking cunt! You jinxed us!
JIZZ
Shit, the keg!
They both bail out and rip a tarp from the truck bed,
revealing a keg. It GLIMMERS in the fire and moonlight.
RUM
One...
JIZZ
Two...
JIZZ & RUM
(together)
THREE!
INT - NIGHT - MASONS HOUSE
Kinzer (22) and Brittany (18) are arguing on the couch.
Mason (22) sits across from them rocking an un-amped guitar.
BRITTANY
All you do is seduce girls! I just
took Jizzem to the store, and you
think it's okay to call my friend!
She's a slut!
KINZER
She called me! Look, my phone is
dead. If I wanted to call her...
(Patting his pocket)
...I'd plug in my charger, and I'd
call her. Have I? No. I'm not
trying to nail her.
FLASHBACK
INT - DAY 7DAY MARKET
Rum is speaking to Kinzer, who is behind the counter at a
convience store.
KINZER
...And she answered Jizzem's phone.
So now I'm gonna nail her friend!
WOO!
RUM
You don't feel a little bad
breaking up a friendship?
KINZER
Well FUCK NO!
INT - NIGHT - MASONS HOUSE
BRITTANY
All I am is a piece of ass! Name a
time we were together and didn't
screw?
Kinzer is thinking very deeply, and a look of realization
comes over him.
KINZER
That time we watched Willow.
EXT - NIGHT - WILDERNESS
Jizzem's truck is now mostly a burn victim. The Rum is
lugging a keg behind him, as Jizzem attempts to find a cell
phone signal.
RUM
Once again that goddamned hippy as
screwed us again! We could be
tearing apart this keg! But no, we
had to hang with jack.
(Mocking Jizz)
There was a bonfire... there are
bitches. Now we're stranded out
with with no fire OR bitches and a
fucking boulder to lug around!
JIZZ
Relax, we should be able to find
it. Can't be too far.
RUM
Shouldn't be too far huh? Jizzem,
this is FLAT LAND. Do you SEE any
blazes in the distance? Oh, shit!
What's that on the horizon!?
Jizzem excitedly looks in search of a fire, as Rum angrily
marches towards him.
RUM
Nevermind, it's a effing MOUNTAIN!
We have a better chance of finding
Atlantis out here!
JIZZEM
Then what else do you suggest we
do?
They both eye the keg.
INT - NIGHT - MASONS HOUSE
KINZER
Can we just forget about this for
now? Rum and Jizz should be there
soon, we're meeting them there.
BRITTANY
Fine, but if I see this bitch at
the party, I'm going to get Bobbit
on your cock!
MASON
God, shut the fuck up you mongoloid
headed cunts! Let's go!
BRITTANY
Fine!
MASON
Now where are we going?
KINZER
I'll show you, I've been there
before.
EXT - NIGHT - WILDERNESS
POV BUSHES - Rum and Jizz are lugging the keg along in
tandem, while holding up their cups drunkly and singing
Holla Back Girl.
JIZZ & RUM
B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
JIZZ
You know, I scored to this song. In
my car.
RUM
Really?
JIZZ
Yeah, her feet were at the window.
RUM
Ah, good times. I'm sure glad we
had this keg. It's a bit heavy, but
it sure didn't skimp on the cold
joy!
JIZZ
Yeah, got a good deal at food lion
JIZZ & RUM
TO FOOD LION!
RUM
Hey, why did your truck catch fire
anyway?
JIZZ
I dunno, an arrow or something.
Rum drops his half of the keg and shoots jizz a confused but
vicious look.
RUM
A fucking arrow?
JIZZ
Yeah, an arrow doc.
RUM
Jizz, someone has to SHOOT an
arrow. The shit just doesn't
materialize!
JIZZ
Your point?
A look of "I give up" comes over Rum.
RUM
Okay, listen...
MONTAGE
1. Rum is mimicking shooting a bow and arrow.
2. Jizzem is looking confused
3. Rum draws a diagram in the dirt.
4. Jizzem walks over to the diagram and pisses on it!
5. Rum has a makeshift grass/feather boa impersonating an
indian.
END MONTAGE
JIZZ
Oh, an arrow!
The rum throws his hands up in disbelief.
EXT - NIGHT - JACK'S PARTY
Brittany Kinzer and Mason arrive at the party. There is a
huge BURNING bonfire along with several staggering drunks.
KINZER
Where the hell are they?
MASON
Not answering either of their
phones.
KINZER
(yelling)
Jack! Get over here!
Jack walks over.
JACK
What?
KINZER
Have you seen jizzem or rum?
JACK
No, but I gave them a map.
MASON
Can I see this map?
JACK
Sure, here.
Mason eyes the map, soon giving a baffled look.
MASON
What is this... smear?
JACK
Oh, must've run from the spill. You
know, bong water.
MASON
Spill? It leads them in the
opposite fucking direction! How
many people have this?
JACK
Just them.
KINZER
Great idiot, now they're lost! Once
we find them, one keg will be hot
and the other will be just suds!
And I love suds!
BRITTANY
I knew it! You love sluts! Mason,
let's go find them. She had herpes
anyway.
KINZER
I said SUDS!
EXT - NIGHT - WILDERNESS]
RUM
So this means someone SHOT your
HOOD with an ARROW and it BURST
into flames!
JIZZ
But why? But who?
RUM
I don't know, but it freaks me out.
Good thing I'm wasted though, or I
might be believing the shit I'm
seeing.
JIZZ
Huh?
Rum points, and pull back to reveal a DEMON with his bow and
arrow, and the arrow heads are aflame! He is the typical
demon type, with cloven hooves, half man, half horse. Jizzem
doubles back in awe.
RUM
Hey, what's wrong? It's like that
shit about pink elephants.
JIZZ
No... wait... what do you see?
RUM
Some demon cocksucker.
JIZZ
Me too!
RUM
Wow, what a coincid...
Rum is suddenly STUCK in the arm by an arrow, causing him to
fall and spill his beer. Realizing the demon is real, a look
of fear is in his eyes.
RUM
Oh shit, he's real! Oh, God! I'm
sorry for stealing my college fund
from grandma for a beer pong table!
DEMON
You are in devils country. No man
shall leave alive!
JIZZ
We're just lost! We'll leave! OR
take rum! He's dutch! Evil!
RUM
No, take him! He's jewish!
(cupping his hands around his
mouth and whispering)
...God's people.
DEMON
No deals shall be made! You must
pay your debts to the devil!
JIZZ
Our... souls?
DEMON
No! Hell is crowded!
RUM
Wait, if you're so evil, wouldn't
that be the worst? You know, our
eternal representations, condemned
to an eternity of of suffering? You
know, lake of fire... wailing...
gnashing of teeth!
DEMON
You doubt me!? A display of evil...
The demon pulls a vile from his pocket on his arrow quill.
There is a label on it.
Rum squints, it reads...
RUM
The cure to aids?
The demon drops it to the ground, and STOMPS it with his
cloven hoof.
JIZZ
That IS evil!
RUM
Don't encourage him Jizz! What do
you want!?
The demon points to the keg!
RUM
Fuck you Demon!
Rum RIPS the arrow from his arm and ineffectively tosses it
at the demon.
DEMON
A challenge, then?
RUM
Fuck you, the stakes are too high.
And plus, I'm drunk.
JIZZ
Look rum, either way, it looks like
we are shit out of luck. This may
be are only chance to get out
alive!
RUM
Fine...the terms?
DEMON
A drink off. First to succumb
loses.
RUM
The stakes?
DEMON
I will transport you to your
gathering, and grant a wish each of
your choice.
RUM
Jizz, you ready?
JIZZ
Let's fucking go.
DEMON
Let the boozing begin!
The demon waves his arms and conjurers up a fully stocked
HELL BAR, part bone, part booze, part flame.
RUM
If you have all that, then why our
keg?
DEMON
Because beer in hell is hot, Tucker
Max is still an asshole in hell,
and beer never tastes better than
from a keg.
RUM
Fair enough.
DEMON
Now pick your Poison.
RUM
Well, they don't call me RUMdizzle
for nothing! I'll have Ru...
JIZZ
We'll drink this! It's green!
Rum GLARES at jizzem, and closes in on what he choose. It's
green. It's potent. It's ABSINTHE.
JIZZ
Abs-In-THE. Huh, odd name.
RUM
Jizzem, no... you don't
understand...
JIZZ
Hey Rum, gotta try new things!
DEMON
It is DECIDED!
RUM
(defeated)
Oh shit.
EXT - NIGHT - TRUCK BREAKDOWN SITE
Brittany is staring at the truck hood, as Joseph and Mason
are in a small search for clues to their friends where
abouts.
KINZER
Don't see 'em.
MASON
I think the more interesting thing
is, if their charred bodies aren't
here, then where?
KINZER
Man, I knew Jizzem drove some real
pieces of shit but this is tops.
BRITTANY
I think this might have had
something to do with it.
Brittany grabs hold of the arrow and has to put her weight
into it to get it out. She inspects it somewhat thoroughly.
MASON
An arrow?
BRITTANY
It has some weird marking on it.
MASON
Looks... evil. Joseph, you're
German. Translate this?
KINZER
Fuck you wolfman!
BRITTANY
Can you guys shutup for a minute?
How are we going to find them?
Kinzer gives it a bit of thought, and spots a KEG TRACK
leading off into the wilderness.
KINZER
I don't think it'll be too much
trouble.
EXT - NIGHT - HELLBAR LOCATION
Close up on: A empty bottle of Absinthe.
JIZZ
I don't understand why you were so
mad, I don't even feel drunk!
RUM
Where are your shoes?
Close on Jizzem's BARE FEET.
RUM (OS)
And your pants?
Pull back revealing that yup, he's pantsless.
Meanwhile, the demon downs another glass of absinthe. There
are three empty glasses with that one.
DEMON
You're falling behind there, Human.
RUM
Don't worry about me, Beezleboss. I
saw tenacious D kick your Kings
ass.
Rum downs his third glass of absinthe. He looks a little
woozy. Jizzem downs his as well. All is tied up!
JIZZ
It's go time! Let's bring out
Lucille and finish this shit quick!
RUM
Not Lucille, not with ABSINTHE!
JIZZEM
Sissy!
RUM
(sighing)
Make it so.
The demon snaps his fingers, and before them is a beer bong.
SERIES OF QUICK CUTS
1. The rum holding the bong, as the demon is pouring it in.
2. Jizzem flipping the double kickstand as the demon
struggles to bong.
3. The Rum smoking a cigarette, offering the demon one.
4. All of them sitting at a table playing asshole.
5. A social is thrown!
6. The demon is staggering back towards the bar.
END SERIES OF QUICK CUTS
DEMON
Oh, shit. Thats too much. I think
I'm gonna be si...
The demon PUKES A STREAM OF VOMIT, exorcist style.
RUM
Jizz, look!
The demon is puking his guts out, and finally succumbs and
passes out, laying in a pool of his own vomit.
JIZZ
Another notch in the belt!
RUM
Goddamn right!
Their excited looks turn into a high five... that goes wrong
as they miss each other's hand and pass out face first on
the ground.
INT - MASONS - CAR
MASON
What is that?
KINZER
I dunno, but it's on fire.
BRITTANY
Look! There's some people lying in
the grass!
The carload gets out and inspects the site.
MASON
What the fuck?
Kinzer is looking confused, attempting to make sense of this
situation.
Angle on RUM lying passed out.
Angle on Jizz lying face down, passed out.
Angle on the demon, lying in a pool of vomit.
KINZER
I got it! Let's write on them!
EXT - NIGHT - JACK'S PARTY
Everyone rolls up in a car, with Rum passed out in Brittanys
lap, and jizzem missing.
KINZER
Pop it.
Mason pops the trunk, revealing Jizzem shoved into the
trunk. The demon, Rum, and jizz come to. Jizzem has "JEWISH
OX WRANGLER" written across his face. The demon has "Cum
Dumpster" written across his chest.
DEMON
Oh, my fucking head. Where am I?
MASON
A party.
DEMON
Man, I godda go. I'm late to
collect some souls, then I got a 2
O' Clock possession.
Rum stumbles out of the car, staggering as he stands. "Dutch
cunt" is written on his forehead.
RUM
(very drunk)
No, man... I can't let you do that,
it's not safe. Gimme your keys,
you're staying with us. Just...
gimme your keys.
DEMON
Nah man, I missed last Thursday. I
can't miss again, my boss...
well... he's a real hothead.
RUM
Fuck it, it's not worth a DUI.
Trust me, buddy.
DEMON
Buddy? Wow... everyone usually just
gets real afraid and runs away.
I've never been called buddy. Are
we... friends?
RUM
Fuck yeah man. Although we got here
by the luck of some friends... we
still had a deal. A wish a piece.
DEMON
Ah, that's right. What is it?
RUM
Kick mason in the balls.
MASON
What?
DEMON
It shall be done.
The demon runs a KICKS Mason right in his nuts, Mason falls
over in absolute pain.
MASON
(in pain)
What was that for?
RUM
For ditching us on St. Patricks
day!
DEMON
(to Jizz)
And yours, Jewish?
JIZZ
It's jizzem. And remember that vile
you smashed...
RUM
Jizz! I had no idea! When did this
happen!?
JIZZ
Oh, no. It's fine. I just figure
condoms are expensive.
DEMON
It is done!
The demon gives jizzem the vile.
DEMON
Now let's parrr-tay!
Montage
1. Kinzer and Mason pumping the keg.
2. The demon and Jizz smoking a bowl.
3. The demon holding Kinzer back from a fight.
4. Rum shooting Jack with an arrow. He BURSTS into flames.
5. The rum high fiving the DEMON.
END MONTAGE
FADE OUT
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