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Screenplay for All New Season II Police Squad Part One.
1 SHOW STARTS - 1
2 TITLES AND MUSIC - POLICE SQUAD! IN COLOR 2
3 (VOICE OVER NARRATION) - STARRING > LESLIE NIELSEN 3
4 DETECTIVE FRANK DREBIN APPEARS. 4
5 EXT. CAR - NIGHT 5
He drives into an alleyway fast. He gets out and starts
shooting his gun at persons or person unknown.
CUT TO:
6 (VOICE OVER NARRATION) - WITH > MORGAN FREEMAN 6
7 INT. OFFICE - DAY 7
CAPTAIN ED HOKEN sits at a police desk. He is then struck by
gunfire coming from what looks and sounds like several
machine guns. He ducks as the shots hit his desk and other
police in the room. Out of nowhere a man rushes past
completely covered in flames. He throws himself out of the
window. A monkey dressed as a policeman is then seen swinging
on rope. He then swings out of shot. A horse runs by. The
Sound of a female screaming is also heard.
CUT TO:
8 (VOICE OVER CONT) - AND BRAD PITT AS ABE LINCOLN 8
9 INT. OPERA HOUSE BOOTH - NIGHT 9
A man dressed as Abraham Lincoln with his back to us sitting
watching an opera. His hat is shot and it flies up in the
air. He turns around and fires a pistol.
CUT TO:
10 TONIGHT'S SPECIAL GUEST STAR - GEORGE CLOONEY. 10
11 INT. CAR - NIGHT 11
George is thrown from a fast moving car. His hands and feet
are tied and he has a large knife handle sticking out from
his chest. He looks into the camera for a second then dies.
CUT TO:
12 EXT. OUTSIDE THE STEPS OF THE POLICE STATION - NIGHT 12
A TITLE CARD ON SCREEN - THREE RING CIRCUS
13 THE NARRATOR TELLS A DIFFERENT TITLE (VOICE ONLY) 13
NARRATOR
(stern voice)
Tonight's story... Death in Venice.
THE START TITLES END AND FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
14 INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT 14
The story opens inside a busy circus dressing room. As the
camera moves down the room we see clowns in various dress
putting on make-up and clothes. Some are examining their
horns, some are ringing bells and some just sit and talk. A
loud horn can be heard from outside. One clown speaks.
CLOWN
(sqeeky voice)
Hey, we're on, you clowns.
The clowns make a hasty exit leaving one lone clown sitting
in front of his mirror. His name is Rex Staples and he's in
his early 30s. He hears a knock at the door. He opens it and
sees a mysterious hooded figure all in black standing there.
Rex is handed a bomb that has already been lit. He closes the
door.
REX STAPLES/CLOWN
(smiles)
Oh, thank you. I wonder who this is
from? I'm a real sucka for a
present. My first time in front of
a big crowd like this. You guys
shouldn't have.
He then realizes that it's not a gift.
REX STAPLES/CLOWN
(surprised)
Hey, this ain't a...
There is then an explosion as we now see the dressing room
completely destroyed. Rex, however, is still standing there
with a battered and torn look. Mumbling incoherent dialogue.
He falls forwards and the screen goes black.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
15 INT. CAR - NIGHT 15
16 SHOT OF DREBIN AT THE WHEEL. 16
BEHIND HIM IN THE BACKSEAT IS A WOMAN POLE-DANCING.
DREBIN (voice over)
My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, detective lieutenant,
Police Squad, a special detail of the police department.
There'd been a recent wave of ritual killings on the lower
east side involving the dwarf community. Luckily I got the
call to come across town to Ghandi's circus. My boss was
already at the scene.
17 DREBIN PARKS CAR IN FRONT OF CIRCUS TENTS AND KNOCKS OVER A17
STREET TRASH CAN THAT IS THERE FOR NO APPARENT REASON. HE
ENTERS THE TENT CALMLY.
18 INT. CIRCUS TENT - NIGHT 18
Drebin enters tent and sees his boss Ed Hoken in conversation
with some clown.
HOKEN
(tired)
Oh, hi, Frank, the body is over
there
(points)
DREBIN
(sad)
The tears of a clown, Ed.
HOKEN
You're not wrong, Frank. I think we
might be looking at a homicide,
what with his body being blown up
like that.
DREBIN
Yep, anyone see anything, Ed?
HOKEN
Not yet, Frank, but Nordberg is
over there with a few clowns.
Drebin walks over to where police officer Nordberg is.
Nordberg is a cop who's not too bright. He has clowns of all
shape, size and description lined up along a wall.
DREBIN
(nods)
Nordberg.
NORDBERG
Hi, Frank. No previous on any of
these clowns, but I found this. Not
sure if it's important or not,
Frank.
Nordberg hands Frank a very heavy large thick book. Frank
looks at the cover. It reads - HOW TO BUILD BOMBS THAT KILL
CLOWNS.
DREBIN
(nods)
Good work. We just might have
something here, Nordberg. Any other
evidence?
NORDBERG
Nothing really major, Frank, but
I'll keep looking.
CUT TO:
19 INT. POLICE FORENSICS ROOM - DAY 19
20 DREBIN NARRATION - 20
The next day I headed into forensics.
We are in a laboratory type room. A lab assistant walks past
Frank and places a cat under a small guillotine. Frank walks
past and heads over towards TED OLSON. Ted is in his late 50s
and is the chief forensics expert. He is in mid conversation
with a boy about 9 years old. He takes off the straight
jacket the young boy had been wearing.
OLSON
(stern)
And that's why people who usually
wear this are called nutjobs,
Timmy. You run along now, but don't
forget to bring that strange
looking toy you found under your
parents mattress.
BOY
Okay, Mr. Olson, see you next week.
Bye.
The boy waves goodbye and heads out of shot.
DREBIN
(nods)
Morning, Ted.
OLSON
(smiles)
Hi, Frank.
DREBIN
What have you got for me?
OLSON
Well... our team have been working
on this all night, Frank and I
think you'll be surprised at the
results we've managered to find.
DREBIN
Okay.
OLSON
Let's go through here, Frank.
They walk over to an area about two feet from where they
originally were. A sound of a panic stricken cat is heard and
a large thud noise. Ted holds up a rubber clown nose.
DREBIN
What's that, Ted?
OLSON
This is what clowns use for comedic
effect, Frank. We found very faint
traces of a powder used to make
explosive devices. If you trace the
whereabouts of the powder, you just
may find your killer.
DREBIN
That does sound promising, Ted.
Anything else?
OLSON
Not sure yet, Frank. This just came
in from Nordberg.
Ted shows Frank a dark hat, gloves and jacket.
DREBIN
Could be the breakthrough we need,
Ted?
OLSON
I'll get onto it, Frank.
DREBIN
Later, Ted.
OLSON
Keep it real, Frank.
DREBIN
You bet.
Frank walks off as Ted and others continue with their work.
The screen fades out.
21 FADE IN - DREBIN NARRATION - 21
Later that day I needed to find out what the word on the
street was saying.
22 EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY 22
We see a shoe shine man in his late 60s. Frank's very own
word on the street. A man who seems to know answers and
solutions to everything known to man. Frank takes a seat.
He's the only guy there.
DREBIN
How's it going, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Good, detective.
Frank looks right and left to see if it's okay to talk.
DREBIN
What do you know about clowns,
Johnny?
JOHNNY
How would I know?
Frank takes a five dollar bill out of his inside jacket
pocket and gives it to Johnny. Johnny pockets the bill. He
then looks right and left then speaks. All the while
polishing Frank's shoes.
JOHNNY
The art of clowning has
existed for thousands of
years. A pygmy clown
performed as a jester in
the court of Pharaoh
Dadkeri-Assi during
Egypt's Fifth Dynasty
about 2500 B.C. Court
jesters have performed in
China since 1818 B.C.
Throughout history most
cultures have had clowns.
Philip Astley created
what is considered the
first circus in England
in 1768. He also created
the first circus clown
act called Billy Buttons,
or the Tailor's Ride To
Brentford.
The topical act was based
on a popular tale of a
tailor, an inept
equestrian, trying to
ride a horse to Brentford
to vote in an election.
Astley impersonated the
tailor attempting to ride
the horse. First he had
tremendous difficulty
mounting correctly, and
then when he finally
succeeded the horse
started off so fast that
he fell off. As the
circus grew and Astley
hired other clowns, he
required them to learn
Billy Buttons. It soon
became a traditional part
of every circus for 100
years. Variations of the
routine with somebody
coming out of the
audience to attempt to
ride a horse are still
being performed in modern
circuses.
DREBIN
Thanks, Johnny.
Frank hands Johnny a 20 dollar bill. He gives a nod to Johnny
and gets up out of his chair. He turns the corner and out of
shot. Johnny sees that a customer has sat down. He starts
polishing his shoes. We see fully that it is the real life
author Stephen King. He leans into Johnny and gives him a few
dollars.
STEPHEN KING
What do you know about writing a
best selling novel, Johnny?
CUT TO:
23 EXT. IN CAR - DAY - DREBIN NARRATION - 23
It was later that afternoon when I got the call to meet Ed at
the apartment of Maria Staples the widow of Rex. He was
asking her a few questions when I got there.
24 INT. OUTSIDE APARTMENT BLOCK - DAY 24
Frank parks up and gets out of car. As he walks over towards
the entrance of the building, he sees two muggers holding up
someone but walks past as if nothing out of the ordinary is
occurring.
25 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 25
Maria Staples is sitting down looking at an open photo album
as Ed Hoken speaks. Frank sits beside Maria on a couch.
HOKEN
Did he ever seem on edge, Mrs.
Staples? Ever seem scared?
MARIA STAPLES
Not that I'm aware of, but we did
have this feeling of something
just... wasn't quite right all our
married life.
HOKEN
You were married just on a week,
right?
MARIA STAPLES
Yes, but it was a wonderful seven
days.
We see a close up of the photo album. Ed sits down next to
Frank as they all look at it together. We see the pictures.
MARIA STAPLES NARRATION -
MARIA STAPLES
This was our trip to the Bronx.
What a wonderful honeymoon. We were
poor but happy.
Drebin cuts in and comforts MARIA AS SHE STARTS TO GET
TEARFUL.
DREBIN
Yes, it's like the time I spent
with my mail order Tai bride.
Neither of us could speak each
other's language, but we knew the
language of love. I remember it
just like it was yesterday back in
the summer of '74. Making love
under a palm tree.
Our bodies becoming entangled in
the embraces of love. Rolling
around like hot butter in a pan.
Making out until our eyes went
screwy. That was until she was
tragically mauled by the rare white
tiger of Indonesia. You see a door
was unfortunately unlocked to the
city zoo that day and...
HOKEN
You're not helping, Frank.
Drebin turns to see Maria sobbing uncontrollably. Frank takes
out a handkerchief and hands it to her.
DREBIN
Sorry, Ed. Lost my head there for a
moment.
HOKEN
It's understandable, Frank.
Drebin turns to Maria.
DREBIN
Is there anything... whatever too
little, that may able us to catch
this killer?
Maria gets up and walks over to a desk near the door. She
opens a draw and takes out an envelops.
MARIA STAPLES
I didn't know whether or not to
take this to the police. I feel so
foolish now.
Maria hands the envelope to Ed. He takes out a letter and
reads it then hands it to Frank in shock. Frank reads it and
shakes his head.
DREBIN
The evil that men do, Ed. It would
appear to be some kind of a threat,
Ed. This is just me reading between
the lines.
We see just what Ed and Frank have been reading. It is
written in thick bold print. It reads - YOU ARE GOING TO DIE
CLOWN. SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE CIRCUS.
HOKEN
You could be right, Frank. I guess
we got there a little too late.
MARIA STAPLES
If you wish to attend the
funeral... it's tomorrow at 10am.
Rex would of wanted you there, I'm
sure.
DREBIN
We'll be there. You never know who
might turn up.
HOKEN
We're just about done here, Frank.
Thank you Mrs. Staples.
MARIA STAPLES
Happy to help. Bye.
She opens the door for Frank and Ed and they exit. She closes
door. In the background in the apartment window we can see
king Kong fighting outside with a plane. She walks over to
the couch, sits down and looks at her photo album again.
Oblivious to the chaos outside.
FADE TO BLACK:
26 END OF ACT 1 26
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