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INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
ANDREW ROMANCE sits at the table alone. Writing down titles
of some sort. Peering in to see what he is writing the
following list is seen:
1. Denver Max
2. Frozen (The Rewrite)
3. 40oz To Freedom
4. The Mystery of Layer Lake
Andrew then starts to scratch his chin hairs which have not
yet fully developed. He then crumples the paper up.
ANDREW
Maybe i should think of a new
idea...
Suddenly the restaurant door bursts open. Everyone looks over
at the man wearing all black. Black shirt, pants, hat and
even pitch black sunglasses. And over his shirt is a wet
trench coat which he takes off and puts on the coat hanger.
The unknown figure then walks over to Andrew and sits down
with him. Andrew trying to see his face goes to reach for his
glasses.
The unknown figure slaps his hand out of the way.
MAN
Never touch the glasses.
ANDREW
Okay...
MAN
He who touches my glasses will be
struck down by lightening and may
God be my witness, it will happen.
ANDREW
Then tell me who you are?
The man takes his hat off. It reveals a white bald head.
MAN
My name is...
The person then quickly takes off his glasses. His face is
somehow blurred.
ANDREW
God dammit R.E. Don't scare me like
that.
The man is R.E. FREAK.
R.E. FREAK
Haha. Got ya didn't I?
ANDREW
Yeah, yeah.
R.E. FREAK
So what's up?
ANDREW
I'll explain when everyone else
gets here.
R.E. Nods his head and they both patiently wait. Over the
course of 5 minutes three more people join them. Their names
are: Andy P, Bert, and Wesley.
They are all sitting at the table drinking and laughing.
ANDREW
So i guess this is everyone?
BERT
Unless you consider us everyone...
Then we are everyone. So then
everyone is here.
Bert then raises an eyebrow. Wesley shakes his head.
WESLEY
Anyway... What's going on Andrew?
ANDREW
Well...
ANDY P
(Cuts Andrew off)
Did you find the lost treasure?!?
Everyone at the table immediately says 'NO!'
Andy looks down in sorrow.
ANDREW
Don was murdered last night...
Silence. No one says a word.
ANDREW
He was doing a routine check on the
site and someone crept up behind
him and stabbed him in the neck.
ANDY P
(covers mouth)
Oh my god.
ANDREW
Someone killed him and i think it
is up to us to find out who. Are
you all in?
BERT
I have nothing better to do...
WESLEY
I uh... I can't. I need to run the
site. I'll be occupied. I'm sorry.
Wesley gets up then walks out of the restaurant.
Andrew looks over at R.E.
R.E. FREAK
Want me to follow him?
ANDREW
Yes...
R.E. FREAK
Right on it.
R.E. also gets up and leaves.
ANDREW
What do you think we should do.
BERT
First we should run outside and go
to your house so we don't have to
pay for this check.
ANDREW
Deal.
Bert leaves a two dollar tip and winks at the hot waitress
standing at the other side of the room.
Everyone then quickly gets up and runs out of the restaurant.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT
Andrew stands in front of the apartment. Bert and Andy are
seen walking down the street. They then make it to Andrew.
BERT
God damn Andrew. How did you get
here so fast?
ANDREW
I caught a ride from E.T.
ANDY P
E.T. ?!?!?!!?!?! What was it like?
BERT
Shut up.
(Whispers to Andy)
You know Andrew is on the crack
pipe.
ANDREW
I heard that.
Bert looks at Andrew and smiles.
BERT
May we proceed to your place now?
ANDREW
Yeah... Yeah.
CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT SOMEWHRE IN TEXAS
A guy is sitting on a huge rock. His face is not seen because
he is wearing a HUGE SOMBRERO. It is HELIO. His hat does a
large shadow where lot of insects and sorted types of lizards
take shelter.
A SHOT!
Helio falls crushing all poor creatures.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT
Andrew and Bert stand pacing in front of Andy. Andy is dazing
off.
BERT
How did she find your stash dude?
ANDREW
I don't know. Fuck!
Suddenly Andrew's cell phone rings. Andrew takes it out of
his pocket. It plays the tune of Funky Town.
ANDY P
Take me to Funky Town.
BERT
Shut up!
Andrew answers it. Freak is on the other line. Andrew
hesitates as he listens to Freak.
ANDREW
Woah woah woah dude. Calm down.
What happened?
R.E. FREAK (O.S.)
I was walking in the alley
following him...
CUT TO:
EXT. DARK ALLEY
Freak is seen hiding behind a set of dumpsters. Wesley is
standing about 20 feet away from him. He is standing in one
spot.
WESLEY
Shit shit. Oh my god. What am i
going to do? I can't handle this
responsibility.
Suddenly a man in a black suit walks up to Wesley.
MAN
Do you have a smoke?
WESLEY
I don't smoke...
MAN
Then die!!!!!!!!!
The man then shoots Wesley in the head. He falls down the
dead.
The man then runs away laughing.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT
ANDREW
Oh my god. Get to my place as soon
as you can.
R.E. FREAK (O.S.)
Will do.
Andrew closes the phone and puts it in his pocket.
BERT
What's going on?
ANDREW
Wesley was just murdered.
BERT
That's it. Simply scripts is dead.
ANDY P
Dead... Hahaha.
BERT
Just ignore her.
ANDREW
I've been.
BERT
Yeah. Alright here we go. I've been
trying to get this off of my chest
for god knows how long. It's been
very hard to say this because most
people probably won't understand
it.
ANDREW
What?
Bert takes a deep breath.
BERT
Inferno.
Andrew has a puzzled look on his face.
ANDY P
What the fuck is Inferno?
Bert shakes his head.
BERT
Anyway what's up with Freak?
ANDREW
He's gonna get up here then we can
start figuring things out.
BERT
What if he did it?
ANDREW
Who?
BERT
Freak. What if he is the cause?
What if he killed Don?
ANDREW
What if he didn't?
BERT
What if he did?!
ANDREW
What do you wanna do then?
BERT
We gotta find out for sure then.
Find out if he did it.
ANDREW
How?
BERT
Kill him...
ANDREW
What!?!
BERT
Kill all suspects.
ANDREW
That's crazy.
BERT
Is it? Or do you wanna wait and see
if he kills you?
ANDREW
(Pauses)
I can't do it.
BERT
I know who can.
Bert smiles.
10 minutes later...
R.E. Freak walks in. Bert, Andrew and Andy are sitting down
on the couch watching a movie called #747.
BERT
God damn this movie sucks.
ANDY P
I like it...
Andrew turns it off.
ANDREW
Hello Freak. How are you doing
today?
R.E. FREAK
Good... What's up?
ANDREW
Oh nothing. Would you like a cup of
coffee.
R.E. FREAK
I don't like coffee.
ANDREW
Sex?
ANDY P
Andy's never say sex!
ANDREW
With Andy?
R.E. FREAK
I'm good. But thanks...
BERT
So tell me. How was it?
R.E. FREAK
How was what?
ANDREW
Killing Wesley...
R.E. FREAK
Woah i never killed Wesley.
ANDREW
You see we can't be too sure of
that.
R.E. FREAK
Dude i did not kill him.
BERT
I think you did. We think you did.
R.E. FREAK
I did not kill him.
Suddenly the door bursts open. GEORGE WILLSON stands there
with a shotgun. The James Bond theme plays.
GEORGE
That's not what i heard.
R.E. FREAK
What?
George then blasts a hole in Freak's stomach. Freak falls
down dead.
ANDREW
Thanks George.
GEORGE
No problem.
George then takes his body and walks away.
GEORGE (O.S.)
I like cheese!!!
The door then closes shut.
ANDY P
I like cheese too.
BERT
Oh my god.
ANDREW
Well that was easy.
BERT
Yeah it was.
Andy then starts licking her hand.
Bert looks at her, disgusted.
BERT
That's strange.
ANDREW
Okay. I have an idea.
BERT
What?
ANDREW
Let's go down the list of everyone
at Simply.
BERT
That's gonna take too long. Their
are hundreds and hundreds man. But
i know a good place where we can
start at piglet.
Andrew tilts his head.
ANDREW
Uh. Where?
CUT TO:
EXT. LARGE HOUSE - NIGHT
A very beautiful white house. The garden outside the house is
shimmering with its ripped up flowers, cut down trees and a
dead Goose just laying there.
ANDREW
You sure this is a good idea?
BERT
Yeah i'm sure.
Bert the rings the doorbell. Loud noises are heard from
inside. Suddenly the door opens.
ALAN HOLMAN stands there looking at Bert and Andrew. With a
banana costume on. Music is heard playing in the background.
ANDREW
Um...
ALAN
Oh i'm filming a movie. Banana Chan
part 33. The first 32 parts failed
so i thought i would give it
another shot. The studio is bound
to like me. Right guys? Huh? Huh?
Bert and Andrew look at each other, scared.
ALAN
Oh my god! Is that Andy!?!
Bert and Andrew move and reveal Andy P standing behind them.
Her eyes are still bloodshot and throw up is on her shirt.
Alan runs and hugs her.
ALAN
It's been so long. How have you
been? What have you been doing? How
is your stay going in America? Are
you having fun? Do you like it? Is
anyone treating you bad? Are you
sure you don't want any help from
me?
BERT
(Whispers to Andrew)
I think we found someone worse then
Andy.
Andy's eyes are big and staring right into Alans.
ANDY P
I love you.
Andy hugs Alan back.
ALAN
Come on guys. Let's go inside.
ANDREW
No, no. I think we need to go. You
can keep Andy though.
ALAN
Really?!?
BERT
Yeah. Have fun.
Andrew and Bert run away.
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
Andrew and Bert are walking down a dark alley.
ANDREW
So what do you think about Alan?
BERT
Definitely not. He would probably
hesitate before he kills somebody.
ANDREW
What about Dogglebe? That guy has
been giving me grief ever since i
stepped foot on Simply Scripts.
BERT
I don't know. No one knows where he
lives.
ANDREW
He has been screaming and yelling
and all sorts of stuff. I try to be
nice but it always ends up with me
getting yelled at.
Andrew frowns.
BERT
Is that him?
Bert points to a homeless man in the dumpster.
ANDREW
He's a burnout. Yeah probably.
BERT
Cool.
Bert and Andrew continue walking.
ANDREW
Oh my god.
Andrew covers his mouth.
ANDREW
Is that....
Andrew points over at a dead body on the ground right in
front of them.
BERT
Someone killed The Doc. Shit! My
checkup was tomorrow also.
ANDREW
Damn... What's that?
Andrew points at a piece of paper sticking out of his pocket.
Andrew reaches down and grabs it.
ANDREW
Why it's a ticket stub.
BERT
For what movie?
Andrew turns it over. It reads 'School of Rock.'
BERT
Oh my god.
ANDREW
Do you know where Jack Black lives?
BERT
No. But i can get a Hollywood map
from the corner of main street and
find out.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN STREET - MORNING
HIGGONAITOR sits there selling maps to movie stars houses. He
looks exactly like Jack Black. Andrew and Bert stand in front
of him.
BERT
Can i get a Hollywood map please?
HIGGONAITOR
Sure.
He reaches into a box labeled Hollywood Maps. Behind the box
is another box that says Simply Scripts Houses.
He takes out a map and hands it to Bert.
BERT
Thank you.
HIGGONAITOR
No problem.
Bert looks at it.
BERT
He's not in here Andrew.
Bert looks over at Higgonaitor. But he is not there.
ANDREW
Hold up. Did he remind you a little
of Jack Black?
BERT
Actually.... Yes he did.
ANDREW
What if that's him?
Suddenly the man in black runs past Bert and cuts his head
off. He runs away laughing. The man then runs back and puts a
ticket stub in his pocket.
He then runs away. Bert falls to the ground. His head rolls
in the middle of the street and is struck by several cars
which eventually all crash and blow up right in front of
Andrew's eyes.
ANDREW
That's a bitch.
Andrew reaches down in Bert's pocket. He pulls out a ticket
stub that reads 'King Kong.'
ANDREW
God dammit. Jack Black you will be
mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JACK BLACK
Huh?
JACK BLACK stands there eating a doughnut and drinking a
coffee.
JACK BLACK
You want me?
ANDREW
Ahhhhhhhhh!
Andrew pushes Jack Black in the middle of the street. He gets
hit by a car but stops the car. He stands in the middle of
the street and takes a bite of his doughnut.
A 10-car pile up is taking place.
ANDREW
God dammit.
Andrew walks away.
ANDREW
Fucking Jack Black wannabe's should
be shot.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK - AFTERNOON
Andrew is walking down the sidewalk. He is alone.
ANDREW
I can't believe this is happening.
Soon everyone will be dead and
Simply Scripts will go on no more.
A tear comes from Andrew's eyes. Suddenly the man in black
jumps in front of him.
MAN
I thought it would work. Placing
false Jack Black movie tickets in
every pocket. I thought maybe
someone would kill him. Kill Jack
Black. But no it did not happen.
His fat ass could not die. So
everyone else will die. I DO NOT
LOOK LIKE JACK BLACK!
The man takes off his mask. It is Higgonaitor.
ANDREW
Holy shit. You do look like Jack
Black.
HIGGONAITOR
NO I DON'T!!!!!!!!!
He then spin kicks Andrew in the face and stabs him in the
heart.
HIGGONAITOR
Jack Black does not have moves like
me.
Andrew falls down.
ANDREW
Why are you doing this. Why?
Andrew slams to the ground. He is dead.
Suddenly Jack Black walks out of nowhere.
JACK BLACK
What was that asshole?
HIGGONAITOR
I said you don't have any moves
like me.
JACK BLACK
I know what you have been doing.
Killing everyone for Simply
Scripts.
HIGGONAITOR
How do you know?
JACK BLACK
King Kong 2.
HIGGONAITOR
Oh?
JACK BLACK
And for doing all of this you must
die.
Jack Black then turns into King Kong and crushes Higgonaitor.
He then turns back to Jack Black.
JACK BLACK
Fucking hippies.
He then walks away.
TOPHER walks out of nowhere. He has slick black hair and a
brown button up shirt. He stands above Higgonaitor. He looks
down at him and shoots him in the head.
Topher then walks away.
CUT TO:
INT. COMPUTER ROOM - NIGHT
DON is sitting there. With a stab wound in his neck. He then
wakes up.
DON
Oh god that hurt.
He touches his wound. He then picks up the phone and calls
911.
DON
Hello? Yeah a man came up to me and
stabbed me in the neck. Yeah. Okay.
Thanks.
Don then hangs up the phone. A note is sitting on the desk.
DON
What is this?
Don picks it up and reads it out loud.
DON
Dear Don. I am sorry i had to kill
you. I know now that my life will
never be the same. I have moved to
Amsterdam so no one can ever find
me. I heard it was really nice down
there with a lot of hot chicks.
(Pause)
Well have a good time in Heaven.
Love, Dick Nixon.
Don pauses and stares at the note.
DON
I better tell the gang that Dick
did it so they don't go killing
anyone or blaming anyone.
Don gets up and leaves the room.
A sound is then heard. It is coming from his computer. We
look over at the computer and see that an IM has popped up.
It reads:
#747 2. Coming soon to a theatre near you.
Topher then walks in the room. He points the gun at the
computer and shoots it.
TOPHER
We're the Aristocrats.
BLACK SCREEN.
THE END
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