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THE LUNCHROOM
Episode Thirteen
"The Last Time"
Written by
Bruce Snyder
Created by
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Vincent Biga
STORY EDITOR
Melinda Waterman
CONSULTING PRODUCER
Edward Drogos
CONSULTING PRODUCER
Max Majernik
CAST LIST
Will Cooper.................................
Joel Mayberry...............................
Brian Vandele...............................
Brock Warner................................
Reicther....................................
Casey Jennings..............................
Chris Hughes................................
Stacy Cifaretto.............................
Mr. John Parker.............................
GUEST CAST LIST
Ron Farmer..................................
Ellen Conner................................
Marilyn.....................................
Dave Attanasio..............................
Ryan........................................
Cathy.......................................
Ms. Diane Ballard...........................
Kate Davidson...............................
Margie Mayberry.............................
Lois Warner.................................
Debbie Vandele..............................
Joel's Heart................................
Joel's Brain................................
Joel's Conscience...........................
Officer Keller..............................
Officer Howard..............................
Copyright © Bruce Snyder
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. SHAKE SHOP - EARLY MORNING
RON FARMER, reporter, is standing in front of the place.
He is holding a microphone.
(NOTE: THIS WHOLE SCENE IS SEEN THROUGH THE CAMERA)
RON
We good?
Pause.
RON
(into camera)
Hello, this is Ron Farme -
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Wait.
RON
What?
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Lighting is all wrong. I think you
need to switch positions.
Ron sighs. He walks over a few feet. He prepares him
self. In the background we notice that WILL COOPER,
CHRIS HUGHES, REICTHER, and BRIAN VANDELE just standing
around and talking.
CAMERAMAN (O.S.)
Okay. We're good to go.
Ron clears his throat.
RON
Good evening ladies and gentleman.
This is Ron Farmer reporting for
channel 10 news. I am standing
outside a special little place here
in Centerville, Indiana.
Will, Brian, Chris, and Reicther turn around and notice
him.
RON (CONT'D)
Here last night, baseball legend
Pete Rose came by and from eight in
the morning till five at night he
was here to greet young fans and
sign autographs.
Will and Chris begin to dance like idiots, all the while
flipping the camera off with both hands (but it's
blurred out.)
RON (CONT'D)
This was just one of many stops
this legendary player is making
across the America.
Brian and Reicther have their back turns.
RON (CONT'D)
Many believe this to be just
another stunt to make officials
reconsider entering him into the
hall of fame.
Brian turns around holding a sign that reads "Ron Farmer
is an Asshole."
RON (CONT'D)
But it appears to be a very
successful stunt.
Will whispers something into Brian's ear.
RON (CONT'D)
Fans, young and old turned out in
the hundreds just to get a glimpse
of the ball player.
Brian turns, pulls down his pants and begins mooning the
camera (the ass is covered with a black bar.) The
Cameraman begins to laugh. Ron stops his report.
RON
What? What's so -
He turns and sees Brian's ass.
RON
Oh [BLEEP]! Jesus [BLEEP]!
Ron covers his eyes.
RON
[BLEEP]! It was horrible. It looked
like two glad bags full of milk.
Ron runs off camera. The Camera goes back to the four.
Brian is turned around, with his pants up. All four seem
to be laughing very hard.
WILL
Hey, if you don't like ass then get
the [BLEEP] out of Indiana!
CUT TO:
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
FADE TO:
INT. VANDELE HOUSE - STACY'S ROOM - DAY
(SONG: Elton John's "The Ballad of Danny Bailey.")
STACY CIFARETTO is standing in front of her mirror. She
is wearing a graduation gown. She seems to be
overlooking it. She smiles.
DEBBIE VANDELE pops her head in the door.
DEBBIE
If you're planning on getting a
Diploma I suggest you leave in, oh...
Looks down at her watch.
DEBBIE
Seven minutes, forty five seconds
ago.
STACY
I was just heading out the door, I
swear.
Stacy quickly grabs her graduation CAP and runs out the
door.
CUT TO:
INT. VANDELE HOME - KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER
Brian is sitting at the table, slowly eating cereal. He
is reading from a pamphlet that that is laying in front
of him. He is dressed up in a short sleeved dress shirt
and wearing black pants.
Stacy enters and heads over to the fridge.
STACY
Wow, look at you. You look like a
fat Dennis Franz.
Brian lefts his middle finger.
BRIAN
Right here, bitch.
STACY
I'm sorry. I just couldn't help
myself.
She notices his reading.
STACY
What are you reading?
BRIAN
Well right now I'm looking for a
brochure for "Marvin Baines'
Funeral Home."
STACY
Why?
BRIAN
To see if coffins come with
lifetime guarantees.
She shakes her head. She searches the fridge.
STACY
Where did you even get that?
BRIAN
Well, your boyfriend Dave stopped
by last night looking for you?
She quickly turns around.
STACY
Dave? Dave was here last night?
BRIAN
Yeah. When I told him you weren't
here he decided to try to get some
business and gave me this.
STACY
(to herself)
Shit.
Horn honks.
STACY
Gotta go.
Stacy runs out of the kitchen.
EXT. VANDELE HOME - SAME
Out in the middle of the street is an old CADILLAC.
Behind the wheel is MARILYN. Stacy comes out of the
house and jogs to the car. She enters the passenger
side.
STACY
Hey.
MARILYN
You know how long I've been waiting
here?
STACY
I don't know. Ten, twenty minutes?
MARILYN
(smiles)
Twenty seconds.
Stacy chuckles.
STACY
(playfully hits
her in the shoulder)
You liar.
Marilyn kisses her.
MARILYN
Let's go.
STACY
All right.
Marilyn looks forward. We watch as the car drives away.
FADE TO:
INT. BROCK'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - SAME
BROCK WARNER, JOEL MAYBERRY, and Reicther are sitting
around the table. Each looks very tired, as if they have
just gotten up. Each person as a bowl of cereal in front
of them. Brock is in the middle of talking.
BROCK
All connections to her...are gone.
JOEL
Thank God. That's good to hear.
REICTHER
Yeah that whole thing was going
overboard.
BROCK
I agree.
REICTHER
...and pathetic.
BROCK
Well, I don't totally -
REICTHER
Anyway, I've decided to quit my job.
JOEL
I thought you already did.
REICTHER
Chickened out. Plus the money kept
me coming back. But now they've
done something that's completely
unforgivable.
BROCK
Which is?
REICTHER
Making me work weekends. Heck, they
want me to come in later today!
Today! Sunday! God never intended
for me to work Sundays! If God
doesn't work Sundays, then I don't
work Sundays!
BROCK
There is a lot wrong with that
sentence.
JOEL
So your basically going to go up to
your boss and tell him you quit?
REICTHER
Are you crazy? If I'm quitting I'm
going quitting big.
JOEL
I swear to God...you've never heard
of the word "subtle" have you?
REICTHER
Not only that, but I don't even
know what it means.
BROCK
How big are you planning on this
going?
REICTHER
We'll just have to wait and see.
Reicther lets out a small, evil smile. Joel reaches into
his pocket and pulls out some money. He puts in the
middle of the table.
JOEL
There.
REICTHER
Wait, what's that for?
JOEL
That is money I' going to bet my
good friend Brock that you'll end
up in a squad car by night fall.
Reicther takes a closer look at the money.
REICTHER
Only ten dollars? That's insulting
to me and Brock.
Brock puts some money on the table.
BROCK
I'm in.
Reicther reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of
cash.
REICTHER
I'll add twenty five saying I'll be
a job-less free man at night time.
BROCK
Does this mean your not going to
Stacy's open house.
REICTHER
Depends...as long as Johnny Law
ain't on my tail.
BROCK
Are you going, Joel?
JOEL
Yeah, but I'm not going to be there
right away.
REICTHER
Why?
JOEL
Just have to take care of some
personal business.
REICTHER
Oh. What kind are we talking about?
Parents, friends, drugs -
JOEL
There's a reason it's called
personal.
REICTHER
Yeah. To make others feel curious.
CUT TO:
INT. WILL'S ROOM - SAME
Will is practicing his lines in front of a mirror.
WILL
(with British accent)
Oh Higgins how nice to see you!
(pause)
What? You don't remember me? Why
I'm you're pupil! Your first, best,
greatest pupil!
Will stops and writes something down in his script.
Suddenly RICHARD BELZER appears, sitting on the edge of
the bed.
WILL
(with British accent)
I'm the biggest translator in all
of Europe! Even the Queen knows me
by first name.
BELZER
What in God's name are you doing?
WILL
Studying my lines.
BELZER
If those are your lines I wouldn't
be so intent on claiming them.
WILL
I've got to know these lines by
heart. The final audition is later
today.
BELZER
Didn't you do that yesterday?
WILL
Nope. I just waited.
Belzer gives him a look.
BELZER
For two hours.
Will looks embarrassed.
WILL
They didn't get to me.
Will looks back down at his lines.
BELZER
You seem a little bit more intent
on getting a role then yesterday.
WILL
You can blame that on yourself.
BELZER
Me? What did I do?
Will looks up at Belzer and smiles.
BELZER
It's that redhead isn't it?
WILL
I can't help it, Belz. I'm full of
curiosity.
BELZER
Didn't you ever hear what curiosity
did to the cat?
Will shrugs.
WILL
Gave it a nice warm home.
BELZER
Ha ha.
WILL
Sorry, Richard. But I'm going.
BELZER
So young, cocky and ignorant.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Establishing shot. Near the main entrance that reads
"Graduation Today."
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - SAME
The place is filled with HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of
people. Old people, parents, young kids. On one side of
the Gym, at the very top, sits Marilyn.
Going up the stairs toward the top is DAVE ATTANASIO.
Dave looks around for a seat. He notices Marilyn sitting
by herself. He smiles and heads over to her.
DAVE
Hey, um is this seat taken?
MARILYN
No. Go ahead.
Dave sits next to her. He begins to stare at her. After
a few seconds Marilyn notices.
MARILYN
Something wrong?
DAVE
Just noticing that you're alone.
MARILYN
I notice that you that you're alone.
DAVE
Well usually people sit with
members of the family.
MARILYN
There's nothing usual about me. I'm
here because I'm dating one of the
graduates.
Chris looks worried.
DAVE
Really? Me too.
(looks down at
graduates)
Which one are you dating?
MARILYN
A redhead.
DAVE
Jesus. That' really weird.
MARILYN
Why?
DAVE
Because I'm dating a redhead too.
MARILYN
That is weird.
Both begin to examine the crowd.
DAVE'S POV:
He sees a tall, redheaded freckled young man near the back.
Dave smiles.
DAVE
I think I see yours.
Marilyn continues to look upon the crowd.
MARILYN'S POV:
She sees a small redheaded, ugly, overbite, stringy hair
young woman.
Marilyn smiles.
MARILYN
I think I see yours.
The lights dim a bit.
Sitting with all the graduates, Stacy is carefully
listening to the speaker. She looks off to the side and
searches the crowds.
After a while, he spots someone and her eyes get wide.
STACY'S POV:
She sees Marilyn and Dave sitting next to each other.
Dave seems to be looking at something off camera.
Marilyn waves at her.
Stacy, nervous, waves back. She looks forward, and sinks
into her chair a bit.
FADE TO:
INT. BROCK'S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - LATER
Brock and Chris sit near the TV, playing a video game.
Behind them, Casey sits on the couch studying a piece
of paper.
CASEY
(reading out loud)
"We welcome you to the open out of
our daughter Stacy Allison
Cifaretto."
BROCK
(annoyed)
Yeah, Casey. That what it says.
CASEY
They made a misprint.
CHRIS
A misprint? Where?
CASEY
Here...
(points)
Cifaretto. She's Brian's sister, she
should have the name Vandele.
Brock shakes his head and mutters something under
his breath.
CHRIS
Jesus Christ, Casey. She's only his
half sister you twat!
CASEY
Oh...
(realizes)
Yeah, I'm an idiot.
LOIS WARNER, Brock's real mother, enters.
LOIS
Dinner's ready. Come and get it.
SWIPE TO:
INT. WARNER HOME - DINNING ROOM - SECONDS LATER
Brock, Chris, and Casey enter. They all take seats at
the medium sized dinner table. There is a lot of food
all over the table.
CHRIS
Ooooh! Fried chicken, and...
(gasps)
...mashed potatoes! This is awesome!
BROCK
Yeah, I guess my mom went a bit
overboard since I had company. She
usually doesn't make fried chicken.
Brock and Chris begin eating. Chris is making an utter
pig out of himself, stuffing his face with chicken and
mashed potatoes, while Brock is eating normally.
Casey is just staring at his plate and poking the
chicken. Brock looks up and notices something's wrong.
BROCK
Is something wrong with your
chicken?
CASEY
No, no. It's fine.
(mutters)
...I guess.
BROCK
Alright...
Lois walks in.
LOIS
Is everything okay?
CASEY
Yeah. It's good.
CHRIS
Freakin' sweet! This is the best!
(swallows)
If you ever go back to men, I want
you to seriously consider me.
Casey is silent, and continues to stare at his food.
Lois eyes him for a moment and then leaves the room, a
bit disappointed. Chris also notices Casey's mood.
CHRIS
What's wrong with your chicken?
CASEY
It has taste and flavor, okay!
Brock and Chris stare at Casey for a moment, trying to
figure out what he meant.
CASEY
I hate food with flavor, I want it
to be hard, dry, tasteless -
BROCK
Shitty, in lamen's terms.
CASEY
Yes, if you want to put it that way.
CHRIS
So are you going to eat it or not?
CASEY
I might nibble off the edge a bit.
BROCK
Jeeze, thanks a lot PAL for making
my mom angry.
CASEY
What? I didn't say anything!
CHRIS
You didn't have to, jackass. Man,
that was real shitty of you.
Chris and Brock continue eating, angry at Casey, who
finally puts a very small piece in his mouth. He makes a
horrible face and is about to spit it back up when he
notices Brock and Chris are glaring at him.
SWIPE TO:
EXT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - LATER
Reicther is at the front door. He has a BROWN BAG around
his shoulder. He begins to head down the driveway.
REICTHER'S MOM (O.S.)
Honey, where are you going?
REICTHER
Work.
He smiles and continues walking.
SWIPE TO:
INT. SHAKE SHOP - LATER
Reicther enters, now holding TWO BROWN BAGS. He is
quietly humming, Foo Fighter's "Times Like These" to
himself. He throws the bags on the table. He opens one
and then the other.
We see that the first brown bag has about a hundred
bottle rockets in it with a single ZIPPO lighter on top.
The other bag also has a hundred bottle rockets but has
a can of lighter fluid on top.
Reicther, still humming, takes some of the bottle
rockets out and heads for the back.
SWIPE TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER
Will is in the back. He his preparing himself by
repeating his lines, quietly to himself. Near the front,
MS. DIANE BALLLARD and MR. JOHN PARKER are sitting and
watching a girl sing the song "Just You Wait."
Parker reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of
ASPRIN. He opens it up and takes a handful. He quickly
swallows it. Ballard notices this.
BALLARD
(quietly)
Isn't that dangerous?
PARKER
(quietly)
Only if you plan on living.
Will hides his script and tries repeating the lines
again.
BALLARD
John.
Parker doesn't respond.
BALLARD
Psssh!
PARKER
What?
BALLARD
What do I do?
PARKER
(confused)
What?
BALLARD
What do I do?
PARKER (V/O)
How about sticking a grenade up
your nooner you stupid -
BALLARD
I mean what should I do about my
comments?
PARKER
Comments?
BALLARD
About this girl.
PARKER
(shrugs)
Write them down.
Pause as Ballard looks around.
BALLARD
John.
PARKER
(bit annoyed)
What?
BALLARD
I don't have a pencil.
PAKRER
Here.
He hands her one. Pause.
BALLARD
Parker.
PARKER
(annoyed)
What?
BALLARD
I don't have any paper.
PARKER
Jesus Christ on acid then just hold
them in your little mind for
another few seconds!
Suddenly the music stops. Parker and Ballard quickly
stand and applaud.
PARKER
Very good, Jackie.
Parker turns to Ballard.
PARKER
Diane, I believe you had some words
for this actress.
Ballard begins to say something but stops. Long pause as
she thinks.
BALLARD
Um...Your voice...Your voice is
really good.
There's a pause. Parker seems to have expected more. He
gives her a dirty look.
PARKER
Cooper!
WILL
Yeah.
PARKER
Get up there and show them your not
afraid of what people think when a
young male is in a musical.
Will gets up and walks up to the stage. He gets up on
stage.
PARKER
What part are you trying out for?
WILL
Professor Zoltan Karpathy.
PARKER
All right. Just give a me a sec to
write something down.
Parker whispers something to Ballard and the two of them
write something down. Will looks up and notices Belzer
standing in the back.
BELZER
Please Will. I can only warn a guy
for so long.
Will ignores him.
BALLARD
Ready?
WILL
Yeah.
Will drops his script. Belzer shakes his head. He turns
and leaves the auditorium.
SWIPE TO:
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - LITTLE LATER
There are hundreds of people in the lot. Some are
talking to the graduates while others are taking
pictures.
Debbie and Brian are standing near the front when Stacy
comes out of the school doors.
DEBBIE
Oh my little girl is a graduate!
She hugs Stacy, who smiles.
STACY
Thanks mom.
DEBBIE
I'm just so happy for you. Aren't
you happy for her, Brian?
BRIAN
I'm cumming in my pants, I'm so happy.
She hits him lightly in the shoulder.
DEBBIE
C'mon. We need to get home to set
up for the party.
The three try to make their way through the crowd.
MARILYN (O.S.)
Stacy!
Stacy turns and sees Marilyn coming through the crowd.
STACY
Mom, why don't you go home and set
up without me. I'll meet you there.
DEBBIE
Okay.
Debbie and Brian leave. Marilyn comes up to her and
kisses her very passionately. The people around them
seem a little shocked.
STACY
Wow...
MARILYN
Sorry. Got a little excited.
STACY
Just be careful. We're in a red
state.
DAVE (O.S.)
Stacy!
Both turn around and see Dave wandering around the crowd
like an idiot.
STACY
(under breath)
Jesus Tittyfucking -
Dave spots her.
DAVE
Stace!
Dave runs over and bear hugs her. Stacy seems put off by
all this.
STACY
Hey Dave. I didn't know you were
going to show up.
DAVE
I almost didn't. You forgot to tell
me.
(laughs)
Isn't that weird?
STACY
Yeah. Say Dave, can I talk to you
over there for a second?
DAVE
Sure.
Dave and Stacy walk over to the side.
STACY
Listen, she doesn't know we're
dating.
DAVE
So?
STACY
Well, she's one of those girls that
blabs everything. You know, she'll
tell one guy and they'll tell two
guys. Then it'll eventually get
back to my mom and she'll freak
out.
DAVE
Oh!
STACY
So we shouldn't do anything --
romantic or sexual when she's
around.
DAVE
Oh...Um, okay.
STACY
Wait there. I'm going to go tell
her that you're my cousin or
something.
Stacy walks over to Marilyn.
STACY
That's my Uncle Dave. He' an
alcoholic. So he will probably seem
like...well, a jackass.
MARILYN
Duly noted.
Stacy and Marilyn walk over to Dave. Stacy introduces
them.
FADE TO:
INT. SCHOOL - LOBBY - LITTLE LATER
There are about twenty or so kids sitting around,
talking. Will is off by himself, reading something. Mr.
Parker and Ms. Ballard come into the hallway.
BALLARD
We want to thank all those everyone
for trying out and say sorry to
those who didn't make it.
Parker posts the list. Everyone get up and scramble to
the list.
Suddenly Richard Belzer appears and picks up with Will
was reading. The cover reads "Imaginary Friends: Signs
of Mental Problems."
Will walks back, smiling. Belzer sighs.
BELZER
(sarcastic)
Gee, I wonder if you made the cast.
WILL
You're looking at Professor Zoltan
Karpathy.
BELZER
Congratulation.
WILL
Now I've got months of long
practices, dance numbers, awkward
costumes for the next few months.
Ellen walks up to the cast list and looks it over.
BELZER
Not to mention, Ms. Redhead.
WILL
Yeah. She's playing some stuck-up
English broad.
Belzer sighs.
WILL
What?
BELZER
I've constantly warn you. Not to
get involved with this. Not to get
near that girl. What do you do? Do
you listen? Do you go out with your
friend instead of coming to
auditions? No. You come, audition,
get in and try to mingle with her.
Every single thing I've asked of
you, you've done the opposite.
WILL
Well for fuck's sake, Belzer! You
keep telling me "Stay away! Keep
away from her!" What is wrong with
her, Belz? Uh? What has she done
that's so horrible?
Brief pause. A weak smile comes across Belzer's face.
BELZER
Will, it's done what she's done...
It's what she's going to do.
Will seems to be thrown off by this. Belzer pats him on
the back.
BELZER
I'll see you when I see you.
He walks off. Will's eyes wonder towards Ellen, who is
talking to a tall girl.
ELLEN
Well I was going to sing "Dance All
Night" but no one was singing "Show
Me" so I decided -
Her conversation fade out. Will continues to look.
FADE TO:
EXT. SHAKE SHOP - MINUTES LATER
Reicther stands outside, looking at the place. Smiling.
Behind him we can see his boss RYAN appear. Reicther
turns around.
REICTHER
Ryan! Just the guy I've wanted to
see! I've got something to say to
you. I -
RYAN
Reicther, you're fired.
Reicther stands there with his mouth opened. Confused
and shocked.
REICTHER
Wh...What?
RYAN
The other night you left open the
freezer and about half the ice
cream melted.
REICTHER
Yo-You...You can't fire me...
RYAN
I'm sorry, Reicther. But I have to
let you go.
Reicther looks sadden. He lowers his head in shame and
slowly begins to walk away. Ryan shakes his head.
RYAN
Poor kid. Maybe I shou -
Suddenly a bottle rocket flies out of one of the Shake
Shop's front windows.
RYAN
What the hell...
Another flies out of another window. Then another and
another. Soon dozens are shooting out of the place and
going off inside.
Reicther is still walking away with his head down, not
even noticing the fireworks.
REICTHER
All that hard work. And for what?
Nothing.
He walks away, still with dozens and dozens of fireworks
going off.
FADE TO:
EXT. STREET - LATER
Joel is walking down the street, by himself. He has some
flowers in his hands.
JOEL
(to himself)
Okay. All you have to do is
apologize and leave. Don't stay and
try to be romantic. Just end this
here and now.
Pause.
JOEL
Who the hell am I talking to?
He rounds the corner.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLAYGROUND - MINUTES LATER
CATHY is sitting on one of the swings, going back and
forth slowly. Joel approaches. She turns and notices
him. She stands and comes closer to him.
CATHY
You bought me flowers?
JOEL
Yeah. It's the perfect "I'm-so-
sorry-for-being-an-asshole-for-
reasons-unknown-to-me" present.
CATHY
Kinda cheesy. Your mom help you
come up with the idea?
Joel laughs. Cathy gives him a look. Joel stops and
looks kinda nervous.
JOEL
She only picked the flower...and
paid for it.
She sighs.
JOEL
Come on. Tell me why your mad.
CATHY
Well, I'm not really angry. Just
more confused and peeved.
JOEL
Isn't peeved -
CATHY
Don't start with me.
(pause)
I am mad because of our little
movie date.
JOEL
Don't worry about that. Will was
only talking back at the screen
because the guy playing Anakin was
sucking.
CATHY
Not that date. The other one...with
Chris and Kate.
JOEL
What are you talking about?
CATHY
You spent the entire date talking
to Kate. You didn't talk with me
at all.
JOEL
Yeah, but if I didn’t she'd die.
CATHY
Joel, I think you are overstating
your power over women.
Pause. Joel is silent.
CATHY
You gave her so much attention...
all I wanted was some attention
myself.
Joel's eyes widen.
SWIPE TO:
INT. RED ROOM - DAY (FANTASY)
There is a JOEL'S BRAIN (a man wearing a shirt that
says: Brain.) and JOEL'S HEART (a man wearing a shirt
that says: Heart.) Both are looking off CAMERA.
JOEL'S BRAIN
Holy fucking ass crackers! She *is*
interested.
They both look at each other in amazement. Both then
think.
JOEL'S HEART
I say we go for it.
JOEL'S BRAIN
What?! Are you insane? What about
Brian?
JOEL'S HEART
Oh fuck him. He'll get over it.
JOEL'S BRAIN
No! We've go to stay practical on
this one.
JOEL'S HEART
(under breath)
What a fucking know it all.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. PLAYGROUND - SAME
Reality. Cathy inches closer to Joel, who seems to be
becoming more and more nervous.
JOEL
(voice shaky)
Um...Cathy...Uh-Wh-I...What are you
doing?
Cathy looks into Joel's eyes. She slowly runs her hands
up his arms.
SWIPE TO:
INT. RED ROOM - DAY (FANTASY)
Joel's Brain is on the floor. Joel's Heart is sitting on
his chest, choking the life out of him.
JOEL'S BRAIN
(out of air)
Th-Think...Think of the friendship.
JOEL'S HEART
Sorry. The heart wants what it wants,
bitch.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. PLAYGROUND - SAME
Reality. Cathy still has her hands on Joel's shoulders.
Joel quickly goes in and kisses her. Jackson Browne's
"Somebody's Baby" starts to play. They continue to kiss
for a more seconds.
They pull away.
JOEL
I'm not sure if I can do this.
CATHY
Why not?
SWIPE TO:
INT. RED ROOM - DAY (FANTASY)
Joel's Brain lays on the floor. Joel's Heart begins
to whisper off camera.
JOEL'S HEART
Lie! Lie your ass off!
JOEL'S CONSCIENCE suddenly appears. (a man wearing a
shirt that says: Conscience.)
JOEL'S CONSCIENCE
But lying is bad.
JOEL'S HEART
Only if the other person finds out
the truth.
CUT TO:
EXT. PLAYGROUND - SAME
Reality. Joel is thinking.
JOEL
It's...It's my mom.
Cathy looks confused.
JOEL
She...She's one of those over
protective moms.
CATHY
So?
JOEL
Well, she doesn't like the idea of
me dating.
CUT TO:
INT. RED ROOM - DAY (FANTASY)
Joel's Brain is sitting on a chair with an icepack on
his face. Joel's Heart looks disappointed.
JOEL'S BRAIN
Ha! Common sense prevails.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. PLAYGROUND - SAME
Reality. Cathy smiles.
CATHY
I've got the perfect idea.
JOEL
You do?
CATHY
We'll hide our relationship.
JOEL
Hide it?
CATHY
We'll just keep this between me and
you.
Joel is about to say something but stops. He thinks. He
closes his eyes. He opens them and looks lovingly at
her.
JOEL
Okay. Let's do it.
She giggles. They lean in and kiss.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. RED ROOM - DAY (FANTASY)
Joel's Heart is dancing around, in victory. Joel's Brain
is sitting in a chair. His head is handing down and
shaking back and forth. Joel's Conscience is sitting in
another chair, staring at the floor.
JOEL'S CONSCIENCE
This is all going to end very bad.
(SONG ENDS.)
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
EXT. VANDELE HOME - NIGHT
Out in the front yard we can see a sign that reads
"Congratulations Stacy." We can hear music coming from
the house.
INT. VANDELE HOME - SAME
There is about thirty people or so in the house. Most
have drinks, and are conversing with another guest. In
the background Marvin Gaye's "Pride and Joy" plays.
Near one corner we can see an OLD MAN and OLD WOMAN
talking with Stacy. He says something and Stacy laughs
and hugs him.
In another corner we see Dave holding a plate of small
hot dogs on sticks. He's shoving one after another into
his mouth.
CUT TO:
INT. VANDELE HOME - KITCHEN - SAME
Brian, Chris, and Casey are standing around, talking.
CHRIS
So everything has to be like it?
CASEY
Yeah.
CHRIS
Even say...grilled cheese?
CASEY
Haven't you heard, if it's black,
send it back?
Something beeps. Brian opens the oven and pulls out a
try. We see that they are small black dots.
BRIAN
Here you are, Casey. One batch of
tator tots.
CASEY
Cool. Do you have any salt and
ketchup.
Brian, annoyed, shakes his head. He leaves the room.
CASEY
What?
Casey shrugs it off and begins to eat some of the tots.
Stacy pops her head through the door.
STACY
Chris, phone for you.
CHRIS
Phone? Who is it?
STACY
It's Kate. She seems pretty upset.
(confused)
She said that someone's in the
house.
Chris sighs.
CHRIS
Okay. I'm coming.
Chris leaves the room.
EXT. VANDELE HOUSE - MINUTES LATER
Joel is standing on the front porch. He seems a bit
depressed. Off screen we can hear someone singing
something. The CAMERA PANS to the LEFT and we see Will
slowly walking across the yard. Singing and smiling.
WILL
(singing)
"I have often walked
Down this street before
But the pavement
always stayed
Beneath my feet before
All at once am I
Several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street
Where you live..."
He notices Joel standing there.
WILL
Let me guess. You forgot to get her
something.
Joel's eyes widen.
JOEL
Shit!
WILL
Don't worry you can have half of
what I got her.
JOEL
What did you get her?
WILL
A five dollar bill.
Will smiles while Joel sighs.
WILL
Sorry for being humorous.
JOEL
I guess I'm not in a humorous mood.
Suddenly we hear POLIC SIRENS. BLUE and RED lights begin
to flash very brightly.
We see Reicther running down the street. There is a
POLICE CAR slowly going behind him.
VOICE
Stop running!
REICTHER
NEVER!
The car pulls over to the side of the road. OFFICERS
KELLER and HOWARD get out of the car and start to run
after him. They easily catch up with him. Keller push
Reicther down.
REICTHER
This is bull! I didn't do anything!
Howard pulls out a pair of cuffs.
HOWARD
Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
REICTHER
Screw you guys!
He spits in Howard's face. Keller kicks in the stomach.
Reicther starts gasping for air.
KELLER
See I think being silent is more of
a privilege then a right.
Reicther passes out.
KELLER
So enjoy the privilege.
Howard cuff him.
Back on Joel and Will. Joel smiles.
JOEL
Okay. That put in a humorous mood.
Both laugh.
WILL
Come on, let's go in.
They enter the house.
TIME FADE TO:
EXT. VANDELE HOME - HOURS LATER
We can no longer hear the music playing. Will, Joel,
Brock, Chris, and Casey are walking away from the house,
talking and laughing.
(MUSIC MONTAGE: Bonnie Somerville's "Winding Road.")
INT. VANDELE HOME - LIVING ROOM - SAME
Brian sits on the couch. Watching TV. He seems sad. He
gets up and leaves the room.
INT. VANDELE HOME - KITCHEN - SAME
Debbie enters looking around.
EXT. VADELE HOME - BACKYARD - SAME
Stacy and Marilyn are in the backyard, making out. They
stop for a second as Marilyn says something.
INT. VANDELE HOME - KITCHEN - SAME
Debbie is now looking through a cabinet that is right
next to the sink. She stops looking. She notices
something outside. She leans in for a closer look. She
gasps.
EXT. VANDELE HOME - BACKYARD - SAME
Stacy and Marilyn are making out again. This time we can
see Debbie at the kitchen window looking out.
INT. VANDELE HOME - KITCHEN - SAME
Debbie takes a few steps back, stunned.
DEBBIE
Oh...my god!...My daughter...is...
is...a carpet licker!
She grabs her mouth in shock.
FADE TO:
INT. VANDELE HOME - BRIAN'S ROOM - MINUTES LATER
Brian is on the edge of his bed, messing with some wire.
He seems a bit angry.
FADE TO:
INT. KATE'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME
It's pitch black. We can't really see anything. There's
a knock at the door. A light turns on and KATE DAVIDSON
appears, holding a butcher knife in her hand. She opens
the door and lets Chris in. He jumps.
CHRIS
Jesus Christ!
KATE
There is someone in my backyard.
He's been out there for a least an
hour.
Chris rolls his eyes.
CHRIS
Okay, okay. Just calm down, honey.
He puts his arm around her and starts to comfort her.
She begins to cry.
KATE
I just didn't know what do...
They walk out of the room.
FADE TO:
INT. VANDELE HOME - BRIAN'S ROOM - SAME
Brian is standing on his bed, messing around with his
ceiling fan.
FADE TO:
INT. MAYBERRY HOME - LIVING ROOM - SAME
Joel walks through the door. He seems tired. His mother,
MARGIE MAYBERRY, pops her head in from the kitchen.
MARGIE
Joel, a female named...
(confused)
Trudy Yerschool called for you a
while back. She said you would know
what it's about.
Joel shakes his head.
JOEL
(to himself)
This may be more trouble then it's
worth.
FADE TO:
INT. BRIAN'S ROOM - SAME
Brian is sitting on his bed. He is writing something on
the nightstand.
FADE TO:
EXT. POLICE STATION - SAME
Officers Keller and Howard are leading Reicther into the
station. Reicther smiles to reveal BLOODY teeth.
FADE TO:
INT. BRIAN'S ROOM - SAME
Brian is once again standing on his bed. This time his
is hooking some wires around his neck, that are attached
to his ceiling fan.
FADE TO:
INT. WILL'S ROOM - SAME
Will is on his bed. He is reading the script for "My
Fair Lady." He stops and seems confused.
WILL
Crazy brits.
FADE TO:
INT. BRIAN'S ROOM - SAME
Brian closes his eyes and jumps off the bed.
EXT. BRIAN'S ROOM - SAME
We focus on the door. There is an eerie silence.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
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