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THE LUNCHROOM Episode Seven "Reality Bites" Written by Max Majernik Created by Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Vincent Biga STORY EDITOR Melinda Waterman CONSULTING PRODUCER Edward Drogos CONSULTING PRODUCER Max Majernik CAST LIST Will Cooper................................. Joel Mayberry............................... Brian Vandele............................... Brock Warner................................ Reicther.................................... Casey Jennings.............................. Chris Hughes................................ Stacy Cifaretto............................. Mr. John Parker............................. GUEST CAST LIST The Producer................................ Principal Stevens........................... Debbie Vandele.............................. Jimmy....................................... Student #2.................................. Cameraman................................... Senior...................................... Copyright © Bruce Snyder OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. AFTER CREDITS: INT. HISTORY CLASS - MORNING Mr. Parker Is teaching. Brian and Will are in the back, sleeping. Reicther looks zoned out and is staring at the wall. PARKER Ok, now everybody turn your books to page... He sees Brian and Will. PARKER I'm sorry am I boring you? Parker goes over to his desk. He picks up an AIR HORN and presses the button. After the noise, Brian wakes up and Reicther snaps out of it. Will stays asleep. Parker notices and walks over to him. PARKER Will, can you tell me why your not awake right now? Will doesn't answer. Parker reaches down and pulls an EAR PLUG out of his ear. PARKER What the - He addresses the class. PARKER THIS is how you get away with sleeping in class. Will slowly rises his head. WILL (yawns) yeah yeah, potatoes. Will begins to sleep again. The class starts to laugh. PARKER Obviously some ones not paying attention to the lesson plan. Jimmy get the ruler. Jimmy walks over and grabs his ruler. He hands it over to Parker. PARKER You see class, this will teach you a very valuable lesson. He raises the ruler about to strike it down on the desk. A student raises his hand. Parker freezes. PARKER Yes? STUDENT Can this be used in a real life situation? PARKER As long as you have a long stick and the upper hand, it can be used in ANY situation. He is about to strike down again when some one enters the classroom. STUDENT #2 Uh...Mr. Parker? PARKER Can't you see I'm about to show the class the second half of crime and punishment? STUDENT #2 The principal needs to see Brian right away. Brian looks confused. He gets up and walks out. He slams the door behind him which wakes up Will. WILL Hey, where's Brian going? PARKER The office. (fake excitement) Hey! You know what? You can join him. WILL What? Why? PARKER It's for that little narcolepsy act you were pulling just a second ago. WILL Oh. (under breath) I thought it was for what I did to your coffee. PARKER What was that? WILL Oh nothing, heh, just mumbling to myself. Will gets up and walks out of the classroom. INT. PRINCIPALS OFFICE - MINUTES LATER Brian is sitting in his office looking clearly annoyed. PRINCIPAL STEVENS is looking at the DVD of "The Matrix Reloaded." PRINCIPAL So Neo was god? BRIAN No Neo was the one, our savior. PRINCIPAL So he was Jesus? BRIAN What the hell are you talking about? An awkward moment between them. PRINCIPAL So Agent Smith was the devil? BRIAN You know what just drop it. Is this why you called in here? STEVENS No this isn't why I called you in here. I called you in here because "Kinrejam Productions" wants to make a documentary based on a social outcast. Basically a geek. Since your the only who signed up. I figured you'd had be interested. BRIAN Wait a minute! I never signed up. PRINCIPAL Yeah, you did. In fact - (looks down a paper) - a miss Stacy Cifaretto signed you up personally. Brian looks extremely angry. BRIAN (under his breath) I'm going to kill you Stacy. I really am. STEVENS What was that? BRIAN Nothing. (pause) I don't want to be in a movie about geeks, that'll really make a walking joke. STEVENS Look, it doesn't matter if you WANT to be in it...your GOING to be in it. They're offering a nice chunk of change to me and the school. BRIAN Do I get paid? STEVENS (quickly) Not a cent. Brian sighs. BRIAN Fine. I'll do it. They shake hands and he leaves. INT. LUNCHROOM - LUNCHTIME Will, Joel, Brian, Brock, Casey, Reicther, and Chris sit around the lunch table, eating and talking. BRIAN So the film crew comes Monday JOEL I gotta tell ya. I'm kinda nervous. WILL About what? Were all gonna be stars now. CHRIS No this is gonna be one of those crappy "Sundance" movies. Ya know, were they talk a lot and put worthless things in black and white. The whole gang seem disappointed. CASEY Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got the Star Wars personality tests back. WILL (sarcastically) Ah, the best fifteen bucks I've spent in my life. CASEY I haven't looked at them yet Casey passes them out. BRIAN I'm Chewbacca, strong, brave, and doesn't take attitude from anyone. Damn hit the bulls eye on that one. JOEL I'm Lando. A natural leader. A real charmer. CHRIS That's dumb, your not black. WILL It says that I'm Luke Skywalker. Whiney, Arrogant, and no sense of style. Probably the least liked member of the group. The Group agrees. WILL Well, if that isn't the biggest piece of bullshit I've ever heard. BROCK Casey, who are you? CASEY I'm Admiral Akbar. The group starts to laugh. CASEY It says I'm more of a second tier character. Not smart enough to be a leader, more a follower. Probably resembles a fish. The whole gang starts to laugh hysterically BROCK That's so you. CASEY This one is wrong, I'm gonna make my own. One that'll be on the money. REICTHER This one is Akbar, don't be jealous. CASEY Shut up, I hate you guys CHRIS Akbar, its ok. Personality tests aren't wrong. CASEY Well this one is. I'm going to sit with the foreign kids. Screw your stupid movie. Casey storms out of the lunchroom. WILL You think he's taking things a wee bit too far? REICTHER Eh, you just have to let him ride out his hissy fits. Hell be ok in a day or two. INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE - MORNING Brian is waking up. He walks out of his room and sees a Producer and a cameraman talking to his mom. PRODUCER Oh, this must be Brian. (quietly to cameraman) Your right he is a geek. The camera man starts to film immediately PRODUCER (cont'd) Anything you'd like to say to start us off Brian? BRIAN I'm hungry Brian walks over to his kitchen and eats some cereal. He doesn't say anything and looks fine, not a care in the world. The producer gets antsy and the camera man yawns PRODUCER So Brian, you cut yourself to make the pain go away BRIAN Well...I got this mean paper cut on Friday. Finally starting to heal up. He starts to eat his cereal again. The producer and camera man shoot each other a worried look. Brian looks at his watch. BRIAN Time for the bus. He gets up and leaves. The producer and camera man right behind. INT. LUNCHROOM - MORNING The Gang is sitting at the table (with the producer/camera man) no one talking, there all too shy. WILL Sooooo Joel...uh... Will looks directly at the camera. He freezes. WILL Screw it I've got nothing. Another awkward moment while the crew looks around thinking of something to say. CASEY Well I gave up on the personality Tests. CHRIS Already? CASEY Yeah, the best ideas I had were "were type of fruit are you" and "what type of bad ass are you" CHRIS The bad ass one would have been good. JOEL Who would have been the ultimate badass? WILL C'mon man, Clint Eastwood The whole group nods in agreement. The Producer cuts in. PRODUCER I don't mean to barge in. Do you think you could open up a little. Talk about something...interesting. JOEL So who would have been the "Poser" badass. Ya know , the one who answers the questions badly The producer groans. The bell rings and the crew disperses. While Brian is walking he bumps into somebody. The stare each other down. Brian shrugs it off and keeps walking. The Producer begins to get pissed off. INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING Brian, Joel, and Reicther walk into there first period class. Brian sits next to Joel. Reicther comes running into the room. REICTHER Jimmy Constantino is giving rubber bands AWAY FOR FREE! BRIAN Rubber bands? REICTHER Yeah, ISN'T IT GREAT! I got over 400. Everybody looks shocked. JOEL Your kidding right? REICTHER Nope. I've got a plan, see. To build the greatest rubber band gun the world has ever seen. The Producer seems stunned. PRODUCER Now why couldn't we get that kid? MONTAGE (Red Hot Chili Pepper’s "Fortune Faded.") Various shots of the next couple of days. Brian is talking to his friends. Brian is sleeping. Brian is playing video games. Nothing exciting is happening. CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY The producer is talking on is cell phone PRODUCER This kids a lame duck. We need to find some one else before we lose any more money on this piece of shit. Pause. PRODUCER Create problems? Isn't that kind of wrong Sir? Pause. PRODUCER Your right, the only good way to get a problem is to create it yourself. Later He hangs up the phone and walks back into the school. EXT. BRIANS LAWN- NIGHT The Producer is talking on his cell phone again. PRODUCER Yeah the moneys there, you just have to do your part You got it? In an hour ok? He hangs up the phone and walks back inside the house. INT. BRIANS ROOM - NIGHT Brian is watching TV. The camera man has fallen asleep. The producer constantly looks at his watch. PRODUCER So Brian...you ever get made fun of for your overweight problem? BRIAN Not really. There's an occasional Crispy Crème joke. People usually mind there business. PRODUCER I think there's more than that BRIAN No, well not to my knowledge Suddenly a brick flies through his window. He looks shocked and picks it up. BRIAN (cont'd) It says " LARD ASS". What the hell? MOM GET IN HERE! The Producer gets s smirk on his face. PRODUCER Anything you'd like to tell us Brian? CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - NEXT DAY Chris, Casey, and Brian are walking down the hall. CASEY A brick? Did it break anything? BRIAN It was a brick...what do you think. CHRIS That's fucked up. Who do you think did it? BRIAN I don't know, I don't have any enemies. A group of seniors run down the hall and push Brian down. SENIOR OINK OINK, FAT ASS! Chris and Casey rush to help up Brian. CHRIS (sarcastically) Heh, oink...SO creative these days BRIAN Fuck you man. Brian gets up and walks away. He appears visibly shaken. PRODUCER FOLLOW HIM. The camera man follows Brian. Reicther comes running into the Hallway. REICTHER Its finished! CASEY What? REICTHER The bridge, its a little bit shaky but nothing worrisome. CHRIS What bridge? REICTHER I built this bridge of rubber bands connecting my house to my garage. CHRIS Its only been like 2 days. REICTHER I worked all night. Nevermind that, I need you guys over at my place after school. CHRIS We have to find Brian. REICTHER I'll find him , just be there! EXT. REICTHER'S ROOF - AFTER SCHOOL Casey and Chris get up there. Will and Joel are already there. They all say Hi to each other. WILL How long do you think this will hold? CASEY I don't think it will make it past 50 more seconds honestly. CHRIS It made out of rubber bands for gods sake, how sturdy can it be? JOEL Wait, we don't have to cross it do we? Reicther, Brock and Brian (with the producer and camera man) come up. Brian's face is beat red. REICTHER Ok its all ready. Chris are your ready? Reicther throws him a helmet and knee pads. CHRIS Oh what the bloody hell? How are the knee pads suppose to help. REICTHER You'll see if you fall. Chris shoots him a worried look. REICTHER I said IF buddy. Don't worry this thing is gonna hold. Both walk toward the bridge. Chris is wearing the helmet and knee pads. REICTHER Ok, you may have to do a dead sprint. This thing can hold you, but not for long. CHRIS What is this even proving? REICTHER This will cut bridge costs by 89%. Trust me, it doesn't matter right now. Chris thinks. CHRIS Well as long as its for a good cause. Chris begins to walk across. They are being watched by a Senior and his friend, from across the street. SENIOR DON'T LET LARD LAD ON! HIS FALL COULD BE DEADLY! The Senior and his friends begin to laugh. PRODUCER (to himself) I'm getting gold here. This Reicther kid is a whole damn movie himself. Now all this scene needs is a little bit of instigation. The producer sleuths over and cuts a rubber band with a pocket knife. The whole thing shakes and goes haywire. CHRIS Reicther, you bastard! WHATS THE FAIL SAFE! Reicther throws him goggles REICTHER WATCH YOUR EYES! Chris puts them on. The bands start snapping and hitting him. CHRIS OUCH! DAMMIT! JESUS THAT HURTS! REICTHER But your eyes are ok, right? The whole thing collapses and he goes with it. The Gang look down, from the roof, at the GIANT PILE of RUBBER BANDS. The senior looks up. SENIOR WHAT DID YOU DO FAT ASS? YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO EAT THE RUBBER BANDS. The seniors laugh. Brian runs away and the Producer and camera man quickly follow. REICTHER Duh, its so obvious. Ill make a giant rubber band ball. CHRIS COLLECT THE RUBBER BAND FOR ME, I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN! Reicther runs off. WILL You know, some things not right. JOEL Yeah I know, Brian's had hecklers but nothing this bad. CASEY Well, whenever "Spielberg" came, so did that heckler. WILL You think he's got involvement? CASEY I'm just saying not to throw that out. Will pauses to think. WILL Ok, Casey and Joel follow the Senior. I'll try and catch Brian. Brock, make sure Chris isn't dead and Reicther doesn't have a law suit on his hands. BROCK I'm on it. They go on their separate ways. INT. WILLS ROOM - NIGHT Will is talking on the phone with Casey. WILL Anything interesting on our Senior? CASEY Well he has crabs, but that's a story for another time. WILL So nothing to help out the conspiracy? CASEY Nope, but were planning a stakeout for tonight. Will's phone beeps. WILL I got another call. Go for it, I'll meet you there. He presses the flash button. WILL Hello? It's Brian's mom, Debbie Vandele. DEBBIE Hey Will, its Brian's mom. Did Brian go over there after school? WILL No, why? DEBBIE Oh ok, he never came home tonight. Just thought I'd call. WILL Wait, where's the Producer and his Lackey? DEBBIE I dunno, I called his cell phone and he didn't pick up. WILL Ok, I'll call if I see him. DEBBIE Thanks, bye. Will dials a number. WILL Hey Casey, I'm comin' sooner then I said. I got a bad feeling about this. CASEY Bad feeling? WILL Yeah, Brian never went home. I'm nervous about what kinda shit that Producer is putting into his head CASEY C'mon man, its only been a few days. Brian isn't gonna do anything drastic WILL When was the last time some one made fun of his weight? I mean REALLY made fun of it CASEY Uh...(thinks)I believe it was Frankie Marks. WILL You remember how fast it took for him to unload on little ol' Frankie. CASEY Yeah but that was like a week and a half of embarrassment WILL Well lets see what happened these last 5 days. He got a brick through the window, knocked down in the hall, and laughed at. CASEY I guess. WILL AND we got this X factor in mister asshole producer. CASEY Maybe we better get the whole group for this one. WILL Call everybody, well meet in an Hour. EXT. THE WOODS OUTSIDE THE SENIORS HOUSE - NIGHT The Whole Gang (except Brian and Reicther) are standing around a tent. Will and Chris are carefully watching the house. WILL I guess Reicther too cool for our "pow wows" nowadays? CASEY Nah, he coming later and he's bringing Plan C. BROCK You know what's sad? That were all secretly looking forward to him coming . WILL He's the glue that keeps us together. Think about it, what would Seinfeld be without Kramer? BROCK Two 2 guys a girl and a pizza shop. WILL Exactly, and what did that suck? BROCK Balls, yes I know, it sucked balls Silent moment between the group. CHRIS You know this has been a really bad week. WILL How so? CHRIS Look at what we were doing Monday, and look at what were doing today. BROCK I cant even remember that far back. WILL I remember now, right ADMIRAL AKBAR. They all laugh. CASEY Dude, it was a bad test. And anyways, this has been a pretty good week if I don't mind saying CHRIS NO it hasn't. Were out here to catch our friend whose gonna sodomize a Senior. Why would you chalk that up as a good week? CASEY Whoa when was sodomy put into this? CHRIS Ugh, I was just trying to prove my point. You know your really- Will cuts them off. WILL There's Brian, shut up Brian is walking up to the Seniors door. But then Reicther is running down the street chasing after a giant rubber band ball. REICTHER DAMMIT BRIAN, A LITTLE HELP Brian looks back, shocked. BRIAN Reicther, what the hell are you doing here? The rubber band ball hits a car and lands on the hood. It breaks the windows and leaves a huge dent. REICTHER Ohhh, that's a lawsuit. Brian is still standing there in shock. Then the crew comes out of the woods. WILL What are you doing Brian? BRIAN Uhh nothing, ya know, just some school fund raisers. WILL You know this is the Seniors house, the one that's been fucking with you. BRIAN Really? Wow. That's a one in a million shot I tells ya, heh They all stare him down. WILL Where's that cocksucker of a producer? The Producer comes out from behind a car PRODUCER Congratulations, you may have just made a Cannes winner. I'm getting real emotion here, this is just so beautiful. CASEY Its your fucking fault were here right now. PRODUCER What me? No. Its Lard Lads fault he cant take constructive criticism BRIAN You told me to..... PRODUCER Look it doesn't matter, what matters is your friend has problems. Very profitable problems. WILL This is bull shit, you cant just put that stuff in his head PRODUCER Well the audience just wont see that part "WILL" A cop car strolls down the street. They all see this. Will punches the Producer and they all make a run for it. The cop pulls up to the Producer who is laying near the rubber band ball on the car. COP What's going on here sir? PRODUCER You see I have a permit...Wait it doesn't matter, I'm apart of Hollywood "PIG"...C'mon I dare ya, do something...This do anything for ya? I'M GLAD O.J. WON! Yeah I said it. COP Really? Your so lucky your not black...oh what the hell. The cop picks up his walkie talkie COP (cont'd) PSSSHHHHH He has a gun I REPEAT he has a gun PSHHHHH. The cop begins to beat the Producer. FADE OUT FADE IN: (Powderfinger's "Not My Kinda Scene" begins to play.) INT. BRIANS ROOM - NIGHT Brian walks into his room and takes off his shirt. He reaches near his back and pulls out A NOTE from his jeans. He hides it in his dresser. BRIAN Very profitable problems huh......that's just great Brian jumps on his bed and goes to sleep. FADE OUT. END OF EPISODE
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