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The Lunchroom Episode 2x09 "Kirk's Party" Teleplay by Alan Holman and Melinda Waterman & Trisha Vansickle and Bruce Snyder Story by Alan Holman Created by Bruce Snyder TEASER: INT. PRINCIPAL STEVENS' OFFICE – MORNING STEVENS confronts BRIAN. STEVENS I'm glad it wasn't me. It feels selfish, but I'm glad I'm still alive. I'm glad it was her, and not me. BRIAN But she really liked you. STEVENS Don't say that. I don't wanna get all weepy in front of you. BRIAN Do you think you'll ever get used to things without her? STEVENS It'll take a while. BRIAN I know. But look on the bright side. You're still relatively young so you've still got a while to take. STEVENS Thanks for the kind words. But they're only words. They won't bring back my dog. BRIAN I'm sorry for stepping on her. STEVENS I know. But you're still suspended for a week. BRIAN Damn. OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. INT. GEOGRAPHY CLASS – DAY BROCK and BRIAN sit in a pair, while putting together a puzzle of the southern states. BRIAN It was disgusting. I couldn't look at my shoe. BROCK It's funny. I almost respect Principal Stevens. BRIAN Tell me you didn't say that. BROCK More like: tell ME I didn't just say that. I'll never respect that guy if... BROCK grabs his stomach, and groans. BRIAN What's wrong? BROCK Nothing. Probably just gas, I think. It's just a constant reminder of something that I learned last night. I learned that too much pizza keeps you up all night. BRIAN How much pizza did you have? BROCK A lot. I believed I could finish it all, but it...well, not to sound corny, but -- instead of finishing it all, it all finished me. BRIAN That was corny. BROCK Yeah. BRIAN This puzzle's beginning to look great. BROCK Great? BRIAN It seems like only yesterday when we began this damn thing. BROCK So why's it so "great"? BRIAN Because I can't wait to move on with my life. MR. ZIMMER walks up and stands in front of the class room. ZIMMER Okay. Now, for some bonus points I want someone to tell me who scored the winning touch down at last night's football game. Everyone, except Brock and Brian, raise their hands. ZIMMER Brock. Name the player. BROCK Excuse me? ZIMMER Brock. You can earn bonus marks if you contribute to the class discussion. Don't be shy. Who scored the game-winning touch-down in last-night's football game? BROCK I don't know. Um...Joe Kickass. ZIMMER You should be perceptive of current events. BROCK I am. ZIMMER Do you read the newspaper? BROCK Yeah. ZIMMER Well, you claim that you've read the paper; however, you couldn't answer a simple question of common knowledge. Why is that? BROCK Because sports are for - ZIMMER (interrupts) It's because you're anti-social. BROCK No I'm not. That's unfair. This is geography class, but what does this have to do with geography? ZIMMER Sports indicate geographical rivalries. BROCK No. Sports ENCOURAGE rivalries. ZIMMER (laughs) And what's wrong with that? The students laugh. BROCK (angry, yelling) WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ATTENDING BULLSHIT SPORTING EVENTS, YOU STUPID FUCK-FACE! Silence. Everyone is stunned. ZIMMER Stand outside the door, and we'll discuss this after class. BROCK Oh man, I didn't mean to - ZIMMER The longer you stay, the worse it gets for you. BRIAN Excuse me, Mr. Zimmer. ZIMMER What is it, Brian? BRIAN When Brock was answering your question, you interrupted him, and called him anti-social. He's not anti-social. He's my friend. And if you - ZIMMER (interrupting) Your "friends" are anti-social miscreants, who never attend games. Why is that? BROCK That's a judgmental, unfair -- not to mention disrespectful -- over- generalization. Don't you know anything about respect? ZIMMER Respect goes both ways. BRIAN Brock was only... ZIMMER Sticking up for him, Brian, will put you in hot water. BROCK Mr. Zimmer. With all due respect, it doesn't matter -- in the grand scheme of things -- who won yesterday's little ball-game, so quit getting your panties in a knot. ZIMMER GET OUT!!! INT. HALLWAY – MORNING Will and Reicther struggle with a locked locker. Will reads the instructions, as Reicther tries to unlock the lock. WILL It says, "Turn knob twice to right, stopping at 24." Reicther follows the instructions slowly. REICTHER Done. WILL Okay. Now it says, "Turn knob to left on a whole turn, past number 2, stopping at 32." Reicther follows the instructions very slowly. REICTHER Done. WILL Okay. Now it says, "Turn knob to right, stopping at 10." Reicther follows the instructions, extremely slowly. REICTHER Done. WILL Now pull it open. Reicther follows the instructions in slow motion. REICTHER Still nothing. This is the seventh locker. WILL I don't get it. These instructions were on the floor. Whose locker is it? REICTHER Anyway, Will -- Can you give this note to Sarah for me? Reicther gives a note to Will. Will reads the note. REICTHER Whoah, don't read it! WILL (reading) To Sarah, From Reicther. Sarah, I want to glimpse your dawn, sun-lit stare, as your hair flows down to your feet." (stops reading) Okay, two things. Is this a joke and where did you steal it from? REICTHER No and I didn't steal it. WILL A poet you're not. REICTHER Yes, I am a poet. Listen to this: "Sarah's my flower, but in her next life, she'll be a real flower: a re-in-carnation." WILL That's not poetic. It's just stupid. REICTHER Well, I... WILL ...am an idiot? REICTHER Like you can you do better? WILL I can do better on the spot. REICTHER Well, then -- make with a poem. WILL "Scream curses. Throw rocks. Run away -- I'll change the locks. Beat me up, piss on me. Destroy my sanity. Pump my head full of lead. Put my cash in your stash." REICTHER What was that? WILL (indignant) A poem! KIRK -- a pot-head -- approaches. KIRK I write poems. WILL Good for you. KIRK (reciting an original poem) "Spending New Years sick in bed, feeling dead, learning drugs are a bad, twisted fad." REICTHER (surprised) That's not bad. KIRK I just wanna be a famous lyricist, but the editors of the school newspaper, year-book, and poetry-anthology, must hate me, because I submitted great stuff, but it wasn't good enough. WILL That's because they're all stuck-up preppie bastards. REICTHER Kirk, are you good at writing love poetry? KIRK (out of nowhere) Friends. Treat them right, and they'll help you. If they want help, they can go to hell. WILL Why'd you say that? KIRK Because Will -- I respect you, but you always shun me. If you guys want to impress a chick with a "Kirk poem", you're going to have to get in the habit of treating me with a little more respect than you usually do. WILL Sounds too much like work. I'll write Reicther's poem. REICTHER Aww, give 'em a chance, Will. KIRK Yeah. Give me a chance! WILL Kirk, to put it bluntly: I don't want you as a friend. KIRK That hurts. I mean I really – (brief pause) You said "blunt." Kirk lets out a small chuckle. WILL Good. Now please, Kirk. Leave us alone. KIRK No. WILL Why not? KIRK Because you've given me a challenge. I must prove my worthiness to join your elitist lunchroom clique. He runs off. WILL I didn't ask him to join...did I? INT. SCHOOL – COUNSELOR'S OFFICE – LATER The guidance counselor, MR. WALTER DONNELLY is sitting behind his desk. Sitting in front of him is Brock. Donnelly seems both shocked and disappointed. DONNELLY They way I hear it, you called Mr. Zimmer a..."fuck-tard?" BROCK Oh no, no, no. A brief pause. BROCK I called him a fuck face. Donnelly sighs. DONNELLY Geez. Where did all this anger come from? BROCK I don't know I guess I was just pushed too far. DONNELLY Well...I know this can't be an easy time for you. Brock seems confused. BROCK Excuse me? DONNELLY I was informed about your...well, uh...your mother...I guess mothers, splitting up. BROCK Oh, I'm not sa – DONNELLY It's okay. You don't need to explain. Brock becomes silent. DONNELLY That's why I've schedule something for you. BROCK What is it? DONNELLY Well, this Saturday night there's going to be a special group meeting in the cafeteria. It's made up of students who trouble with their home lives. BROCK Whoah, whoah, whoah. Hold up their, scooter. Just because I got a little P.O.'d at the teacher, I've got to go to the Broken Homes Club? DONNELLY I know at first, you don't want to go. But you really should come. BROCK I don't really think I'll be comfortable there. DONNELLY If you don't come, the school will have to suspend you for two weeks. BROCK (quickly replies) What time does it start? INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON Will, Brian, Joel, Brock, Casey, Reicther, and Chris are sitting around the table, eating. JOEL Broken Homes Club? BROCK Yeah, it's meeting of all these kids who come from bad home lives. WILL And all because you called the teacher a fuck face. BROCK Well, who cares who scored the fucking touch-down! Kirk approaches. KIRK You're all invited to my backyard campfire party. WILL I'd rather watch paint dry. KIRK Here are your invitations. Kirk passes out invitations. WILL Don't go, guys. It'll be flooded with drugs. KIRK No, it won't be "flooded" with drugs, per se, because most drugs aren't even liquid. WILL I'm not going. You'd have to be insane to go. KIRK C'mon. I mean, I want you -- Will Cooper -- to attend my party. WILL No. I don't want to get arrested when the cops bust it up. KIRK That rarely happens! Don't be such a pessimist. You know: a pessimist's blood type is BE NEGATIVE! And you're being negative! So quit being negative, Will! WILL Why? KIRK Because I wrote this. Kirk gives an envelope -- marked "to Sarah from Reicther" – to Reicther. He finds a note in the envelope, and reads it in his head. After a while of reading Reicther smiles. KIRK Do you like it? REICTHER Yeah. KIRK I think she'll like it. REICTHER I hope she likes it. KIRK You'll give it to her? REICTHER Yeah. KIRK Good luck. REICTHER Thanks. KIRK You're welcome. Kirk walks away. CHRIS That was nice. CASEY A campfire party, huh? WILL Are you guys going to go? CASEY I don't know, maybe. JOEL You know I don't understand why your being so negative about Kirk's party. WILL I don't know. It's hard to tolerate someone who finds movies like "Bill and Ted" and "Dude, Where's My Car?" cinema masterpieces. BROCK I can't go, anyway. I've got this group therapy thing. BRIAN I'm not going. I've got better things to do. REICTHER I don't think video games are that important. JOEL You know, Brian. You should go to the party, just to get out of the house. BRIAN I don't need to go to some party to get out more. WILL Face it, Brian. The only time you go out is to get food and more games. Brian thinks about this. BRIAN Well, I'll prove you wrong. This weekend I'm going to get out of my house and into real world. INT. SHOP CLASS – LITTLE LATER Reicther and Will screw wood. WILL In ten seconds, I'll be so bored that I'll want the class to end, but I'll know that it must continue. REICTHER Like a Jar-Jar Binks scene. WILL Shut up, man -- you know you secretly like Jar-Jar -- everyone does. REICTHER Yes, it's true. I admit it. I like Jar-Jar. WILL Same here. He just didn't pick the right movie. Star Wars wasn't his vehicle to stardom. REICTHER He's got what it takes to make it. I'm sure if they put him in a Disney movie, he'll be a superstar. Brief pause. WILL Are you going to Kirk's party? REICTHER Considering it. WILL Ah, man. Why? REICTHER Well, he did write me that love letter for Sarah. I gotta pay him back somehow. WILL God, someone does something for you and expect something in return? Geeh, it's horrible. REICTHER Yeah, ain't this country great? Except for Canada. INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SATURDAY Stacy is sitting on the couch. A few feet away on the other end of the couch is her friend, MARILYN. There's a bag of chips between them. Stacy is flipping channels. STACY Man, there's nothing on. MARILYN Oh, wait! Stop there! STACY What? MARILYN Go back to HBO. Stacy does so. "Sex and the City" is just beginning. STACY "Sex and the City?" MARILYN Yeah. Haven't you ever seen this before? STACY Can't say that I have. MARILYN It's about these four women who have sex. Marilyn eats some chips. Stacy seems confused. STACY That's it? MARILYN Just watch. Stacy sighs and begins to watch. EXT. KIRK'S HOUSE – SAME NIGHT Reicther, Chris, and Casey walk up to the front door. CHRIS I feel bad for going. I mean, Will really didn't us to go. REICTHER Well, Chris. You've to got to Realize something. Will may be our "unofficial" leader, but really we listen him about half the time. Casey knocks. Pause. Kirk opens the door. KIRK Hey, comrades. Come on in. Kirk moves out of their way. The guys give each a look before going in. INT. WILL'S ROOM – SAME Will and Joel are sitting on Will's couch. Will is looking through the paper. Joel is watching TV, looking bored. JOEL What's wrong with going to Kirk's? WILL I just think we can do something better with our time. I mean their has to be some other kind of mindless, stupid, retentive kind of entertainment that can be better then that. EXT. MOVIE THEATER – LATER THAT NIGHT The parking is mostly empty. Their playing "CATWOMAN." The CAMERA QUICKLY PANS to the right and we see Will and Joel standing in the parking lot. WILL I don't think we're this desperate. They walk away. INT. LUNCHROOM – SAME The tables have been cleared. Now there is a big circle of students. About twenty of them. Brock is off out of the circle. He is at the snack table, eating cookies. STUDENT #1 So since then, my mom has been able to quit drinking. All the others begin to clap. GROUP LEADER Very good, Arthur. Now I think it would be a good idea to hear from our newest member, Brock Warner. Brock looks up. BROCK You know, actually, I'm good. Someone else can go. GROUP LEADER C'mon, Brock. I think it would be a good idea for you to share with the rest of the group. Brock looks hesitant but ends up taking a seat. BROCK Uh...well. My mom throw out her wi – significant other a few months ago. FEMALE STUDENT #1 And I bet you feel really sad don't you? BROCK Are you kidding? I love it. Everyone shocks. MALE STUDENT #2 You love it? FEMALE STUDENT #2 How can you love that fact that your parents are no longer together. BROCK Well to start off, my mom threw a totally bitchy person out. Plus now I don't have to listen to their fighting now. Now someone tell me what's wrong with that? Everyone seems puzzled. MALE STUDENT #3 I bet your mom is really sad that she's alone. BROCK At first, but she's fine now. Everyone begins to think. FEMALE STUDENT #3 I bet your brother – BROCK He's happy about it too. Everyone is stumped. MALE STUDENT #4 You know, he's right. Now that my parents have split it's more quiet. There's no fighting and both have found new loves. FEMALE STUDENT #4 Yeah. The same thing with my parents. FEMALE STUDENT #5 Yeah, things are way better now that my dad has been kicked out. Everyone seems to agree and talk amongst themselves. GROUP LEADER Wait, people! People! Your not suppose to be happy! Your suppose to be feeling bad about yourselves! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF GROUP THERAPY! INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SAME Stacy and Marilyn are indulged by "Sex and the City." Stacy sips some soda. VOICE (O.S.) Face it Charlotte, your addicted to your vibrator. Stacy quickly spits out her soda. STACY Jesus Christ! (quietly) They're talking about vibrator Addiction! MARILYN Yeah. (smiling) Ain't it great? INT. WILL'S ROOM – SAME Will is digging through his closet, while Joel sits on the couch. JOEL I still don't think see why we can't go over to Kirk's. WILL For one, none of the other guys are going. EXT. KIRK'S HOUSE – SAME There's a CAMPFIRE with a DOZEN STUDENTS and Kirk sitting around it. Everyone is looking at Casey who is finishing a joke. CASEY And then she said "I'm no kindergartener, I'm a goddamn midget." Everyone begins to laugh like it's the funniest thing. INT. KIRK'S HOUSE – KIRK'S ROOM – SAME Chris and some kid are sitting around a TV playing video games. A group of boys are watching. BOY #1 (to Chris) Man your really great at this. CHRIS Somebody call child services because I'm beating the shit out of this kid. INT. KIRK'S HOUSE – BACKYARD – SAME Reicther is on a tire swing, going really high. REICTHER This is GREAT!!! HA HA!!! The swing goes back and forth once more before snapping and landing on the ground. INT. WILL'S ROOM – SAME Will is still looking in the closet. WILL HA! Found it. Will comes out of the closet, holding a Sega Genesis. JOEL Holy shit. I haven't seen one of those in a long time. WILL I use to be the fucking master of the "Ghostbusters." EXT. BRIAN'S HOUSE – LITTLE LATER Brian is standing in the front lawn, with his hands in his pockets. He seems uncomfortable. BRIAN This is...okay. Not as great as it's made out to be. A CRICKET chirps. BRIAN What the hell was that? INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON Will, Brian, Joel, Brock, Casey, Reicther, and Chris are sitting around the table, eating and chatting. WILL So you actually went outdoors? BRIAN Yeah. And it was really boring. Plus I heard some weird noises. JOEL Sounds more interesting then what me and Will did. We ended playing Sega all night. And the only games he had were "Ghostbusters" and "Aladdin." CASEY You guys missed a really good party. WILL You actually went? CASEY Not just me. Chris and Reicther came too. CHRIS Yeah, no drugs at all. REICTHER Except for (finger quotes) "Jesus." INT. KIRK'S ROOM – SATURDAY NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Casey, Reicther, and Chris are standing around Kirk. KIRK You know my parents won't let me join the baseball team or try out for the school play because they don't anything to distract me from my studies. So I turned to Jesus. Kirk turns away and then turns back holding a Bong, that has "Jesus" printed on it. KIRK I don't envy people who have lots of friends, parties and girlfriends because I don't need that stuff. I've got Jesus. INT. LUNCHROOM – PRESENT Joel has a smile. JOEL So he's got "Jesus" huh? WILL Yeah. Him and my brother. (slight pause, looking embarrassed) And my parents. FADE OUT. END OF EPISODE
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