This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
"good try we don't like it"
By
Chris Rhives
FADE IN:
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Inside, the store is pretty much empty except for a few
wandering customers.
HUMPHREY (24) a guy who brings to mind "Woody Allen" and the
store manager, interviews a man.
HUMPHREY
O.K Mr…
DAVIS
Davis.
HUMPHREY
Mr. Davis, what are your
qualifications?
DAVIS
What?
HUMPHREY
Why should I hire you?
DAVIS
I didn't think we needed
qualifications.
Humphrey sighs.
HUMPHREY
Oh, you do.
He points to a wall with the employee of the month pictures
on it - he's on every month.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
You see that wall over there?
(beat)
That shows a determination, that you
have something to strive for. Do
you have an employee of the month
photo?
DAVIS
No…but I don't even work…
HUMPHREY
Then why should I hire you?
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
(beat)
Wait, I've got. You can show me.
He grabs a bag of jerky from the rack.
He hands it to Davis.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
Here, sell me this bag of jerky.
Davis takes the bag.
DAVIS
Hello…
Humphrey stops him.
HUMPHREY
Wait, wait, I've got to get into
character…
(beat)
O.K, start again.
DAVIS
Hello sir, would you care to buy
some jerky?
HUMPHREY
Hold up just a sec.
DAVIS
What now?
HUMPHREY
Look how you're holding that jerky…
He looks down.
DAVIS
What about it?
HUMPHREY
Isn't it obvious? The way you're
holding it says to me that you don't
want me to have this jerky. It says
"no jerky for you."
(beat)
Now try again.
Davis once again presents the jerky to him.
DAVIS
Uh…
HUMPHREY
Wait, lemme see those hands.
Davis shows them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
Filthy, just filthy. Go wash up.
Davis starts to leave.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
Woah, woah, woah, were do you think
you're going.
DAVIS
But…you…I…
HUMPHREY
Under qualified and ill spoken?
Leave my store.
The guy leaves as we pan down towards JERRY (17) at the cash
register.
He rings up an old woman's purchase.
JERRY
You really need to ease up on your
hiring process.
HUMPHREY
I hire only the finest.
At that moment HAYDEN (17) pokes his head from an isle with
a broom.
He looks down into the pile.
HAYDEN
Hey, we have grapes!
Jerry rolls his eyes.
He rings up the old woman's stuff.
JERRY
That'll be nineteen thiry, Ma'am.
The old woman pulls up a large bulky bag.
OLD WOMAN
Hold on. Let me count it out.
She starts to count one quarter at a time.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
Jerry walks at a brisk pace, he bumps into a Steve, wearing
a milk shake costume, on the street.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
JERRY
Watch it.
He starts to walk off.
STEVE
I'm going to get you...
JERRY
Really...
STEVE
Probably not now, but sometime when
you least expect, or you might expect,
I dunno, either way I'll get you
back. *
(beat)
Have a coupon.
He hands Jerry a coupon, Jerry takes it and walks off.
JERRY
Right, Steve.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S HOUSE NIGHT
Jerry enters his house.
Two dogs run up to him.
JERRY
Dog, Mutt, I was suppose to walk you
two today, wasn't I?
(beat)
Sorry about that.
The dogs look at him.
JERRY (CONT'D)
I'll walk you guys tomorrow.
He walks into his living room, hits the answering machine,
and slumps on the couch.
A message plays.
MAY (V.O.)
Hey Jerry, it's May. Just calling to
remind you to call me. Bye.
He takes a breath.
A dog nudges against him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
JERRY
Piss off.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Jerry and MAY (17) sit at a table.
May browses a menu.
MAY
This place is really over priced.
JERRY
Well it's five bucks for some coffee
and some bullshit.
MAY
What?
JERRY
You know bullshit - atmosphere.
May nods.
MAY
Right, come for the cheap imported
coffee and stay for the pseudo-
intellectual chatter.
JERRY
Pretty much.
MAY
Ah yes money well spent.
JERRY
Well you know the artsy types.
MAY
Watch it.
JERRY
What?
MAY
You're assuming.
JERRY
And…
MAY looks at him and sighs.
JERRY (CONT'D)
I'm just saying they substitute actual
talent for half-baked messages.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
MAY
Only the hacks do.
JERRY
Well the art industry seems full of
them.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Leon, Jerry, and Audrey walk Jerry's dogs.
AUDREY
I don't think I can sleep in my room
anymore.
LEON
Why?
AUDREY
You know those ghost shows?
JERRY
Yeah.
LEON
I guess.
AUDREY
Well they were doing some EVP'S and…
JERRY
EVP'S?
LEON
Electronic voice phenomenon.
AUDREY
Right. Anyhow, I figure what the hey
I'll try it and see if anything
happens.
LEON
And you caught something?
AUDREY
Sounded like someone whispering.
JERRY
Scary.
AUDREY
I'll say.
Jerry laughs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
JERRY
No, it's scary you buy into that
kind of thing.
AUDREY
Try it yourself.
JERRY
Yes, then I'll have John Edwards
give a cold reading while Sylvia
Brown explains who I was in a past
life.
AUDREY
I never said anything about believing
in psychics.
JERRY
Don't you?
AUDREY
Not really.
LEON
Besides hearing voices, what else is
new.
AUDREY
Nothing really. Hayden tried to ask
me out.
(beat)
God, that guy's annoying.
JERRY
Tell me about it. I have to work
with the twat.
LEON
Who are we talking about?
AUDREY
Hayden Madison.
LEON
Never met the guy.
JERRY
You should consider yourself lucky.
LEON
What's so bad about him?
AUDREY
He's dumb, annoying, egotistical...
JERRY
And those are his redeeming qualities.
He and his brother…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
AUDREY
There are more of them?
JERRY
Don't worry, his brother's out of
college.
AUDREY
Who's his brother?
JERRY
Humphrey, he manages the store.
LEON
Oh right I've seen him.
(beat)
He's the guy whose been employee of
the month for about a year?
JERRY
Two years actually, funny thing is
he's the one who has final say in
that.
AUDREY
Ooh, a scandal.
They laugh.
JERRY
Hey, anyone have the time?
Audrey looks at her watch.
AUDREY
Yeah, it's 5:03.
JERRY
Shit, I was supposed to be at work
by five.
He hands Audrey Mutts leash.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Here take Mutt. All you have to do
is just walk them around the block
then drop them at my house.
He leans over and pets the two dogs.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Mutt, Dog, you two behave.
He rushes off.
Audrey and Leon walk the dogs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
Audrey holds Mutt - a medium size dog, while Leon holds Dog
a relatively small dog.
LEON
Could we possibly switch dogs?
AUDREY
Why? Do small dogs emasculate you?
(beat)
Cause you know how ridiculous you'd
sound if you said that, right?
LEON
It's not that.
AUDREY
Then what is it?
LEON
To be honest, I have an acute fear
of them.
AUDREY
Of dogs?
LEON
No…just small ones.
Audrey laughs and hands him Mutt's leash.
He hands her Dog's.
AUDREY
And to think I've known you eight
years and never knew you were afraid
of dogs. No wait, just small dogs.
CUT TO:
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Hayden and Jerry stand at one end of the lie preparing to
race with mops.
HAYDEN
Oh it's go time, little man.
They start to race.
Hayden leads in front of Jerry.
JERRY
You're so slow.
Hayden stops.
HAYDEN
No, I'm not… I mean
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
He starts again.
Jerry slides to the finish line.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM - DAY
Leon, May, Audrey and Jerry, holding a box of donuts, walk
in.
The three look around his room.
Leon picks up a copy of "Pretty in Pink" lying on the
bookshelf.
LEON
"Pretty in Pink"? And you call me
gay?
JERRY
Don't burn the classics, Mr.
"People's" magazine...
AUDREY
What?
LEON
Nothing, nothing. "Pretty in Pink's"
a great flick.
MAY
Anyway shouldn't we actually study?
AUDREY
I guess.
A few moments later they still stand around.
Jerry holds out the box of donuts.
JERRY
Donut?
Everyone takes one except Leon.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Leon, you want a donut?
LEON
I'm not really fond of donuts.
MAY
Really?
LEON
Actually I haven't had one in six
years.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
AUDREY
Sure...
JERRY
Why.
LEON
Ever seen "The Fly", the Cronenberg
remake, not the original?
JERRY
No.
LEON
Well there's a scene with the main
character, half mutated into a fly,
grabs a jelly donut, pukes on it,
and slurps it up.
(beat)
I get sick just thinking about the
scene. Great movie, by the way.
The others look disgusted and throw the donuts back in the
box.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY -- DAY
Jerry grabs books out of his locker, Leon walks up behind
him.
LEON
So how are things with May.
JERRY
They're going well.
LEON
Any chance you'll break up?
Jerry glares at him.
JERRY
Now why the hell'd you say that.
LEON
It's not going to last forever, so
how long?
JERRY
I don't see how this concerns you.
LEON
I just like to know shit like this.
JERRY
Well get your own girlfriend.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
LEON
I've tried. So if you weren't dating
May who'd you go out with?
JERRY
That's hard to say…
LEON
What about Audrey?
JERRY
You've got to be kidding me.
LEON
And you haven't been the least
curious?
JERRY
It's crossed my mind, but she knows
me, so I doubt she'd say yes.
Why don't you ask her?
LEON
I don't think she's that attractive.
JERRY
You don't think any girl is
attractive.
LEON
Fuck you. There is at least one girl
I think is hot.
JERRY
Really who?
LEON
I'd rather not say.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
MAY and LEON walk down the hall.
LEON
It's as simple as that.
MAY
I still don't follow.
LEON
It doesn't really matter.
(beat)
Your still going out with Jerry?
May sighs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
MAY
Yeah.
LEON
Damn.
MAY
You know; you're a nice guy.
LEON
Right, a good friend.
MAY
Exactly.
MAY (CONT'D)
I mean I can really talk to you.
LEON
That's wonderful. So if you and Jerry
ever break up would you be interested
in…
She continues to talk.
MAY
…And I'm glad we can just be friends.
LEON
But...
She leaves.
Leon sighs and turns around.
He runs into Audrey.
AUDREY
Well you've hit a new low.
LEON
What, she's dating Jerry. I give it
a week tops.
AUDREY
And trying to get her to break up
with him is any better.
LEON
I'm doing them a favour.
AUDREY
No, your doing yourself one.
LEON
Hey nobody said that personal gain
was bad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14.
AUDREY
It is if… forget it.
Leon starts to leave.
LEON
Well I have a test in soc. See ya.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY'S -- DAY
Jerry opens his locker, inside a note fall out.
JERRY
What the?
He opens it, it reads:
"Jerry, I think we should break up - May"
JERRY (CONT'D)
Why?
He look to see a few other letters sitting on a pile.
He opens the top one, it reads:
"I just don't think we're right for each other."
JERRY (CONT'D)
Come on...
He picks up another one.
It reads:
"Come on nothing, you're just too lazy"
JERRY (CONT'D)
Alright...
He opens another.
It reads:
"See..."
He folds the note and shoves it in his pocket.
He walks off.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASS ROOM - DAY
In the class the Leon, Audrey, and Jerry sit in the seats
next to each other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15.
Leon pulls out a dog sculpture and a mini-radio.
Audrey and Jerry pass notes.
The teacher, MR. MONROE (35) talks to the class.
MR. MONROE
You have 30 minutes. Beginning...
He looks at the clock, it hits 2:45.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
Now.
The students begin to furiously scribble down their answers.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
This test counts for half your
grade...
He readies a coffee pot that sits on his desk.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
Oh, but Mr. Monroe that's not
important.
(beat)
Wrong.
He takes a sip.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
It could mean a matter of life and
death.
He takes a sip - the clock slowly ticks away.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
Well not death exactly but scholastic
failure which will inevitably
determine what college you go to,
and how well you succeed. If you
fail this, you'll find yourself on a
downward spiral.
He takes another sip.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
A fate worse then death.
He looks at the clock and takes another sip.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
You may laugh at me now, but I can
guarantee at least a third of you
will be pumping my gas in the next
five years.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
(beat)
A cruel thought, yes. But true none
the less. You'll take some low paying
job, "it's only to pay for tuition"
but they don't. You take another
job - your studies fail.Am I getting
through to any of you? You drop out
of college, continue that piss poor
job, get married, have kids, and
before you know it...
The clock hits 3:15 - the bell rings.
Jerry's pencil breaks.
Mr. Monroe takes his final sip sets his cup down.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
You're finished.
The class relaxes.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCHOOL WALL - DAY
Leon, Jerry, and Audrey lean against the wall.
They talk about just random stuff.
Jerry starts to leave and suddenly out of nowhere Steve
tackles Jerry.
FADE OUT:
The End