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1 A DAY IN MY LIFE EPISODE 2 "HOLIDAYS FROM HELL" © Harry "The Goose" Deckard. Dialogue formatting: Name-26, speech-11. Font: Courier New-Point 10. OPEN UP ON: INT. BUS - NIGHT We open up on a large red bus; it's packed with various tourists From the big Americans in Hawaiian shirts and shorts to the Scotsmen In their kilts, to HARRY DECKARD and RANDY KINGLER. Who sit near the Back drinking beer and wearing casual clothing. An "ANYONE CAUGHT DRINKING OR EATING ON THIS BUS WILL BE FINED" hangs above their heads. And another "NO SMOKING" sign is under it. But Randy smokes a Lucky Strike and Harry eats a bag of peanuts. They are being watched by a shifty eyed guy who is instant messaging someone on his computer. Harry finally notices. HARRY 2 Is there something wrong? GEEK (continued) What is the bus on fire or summat? HARRY No, I mean d'you have a problem with us? GEEK There's only one of you. HARRY Oh for cryin' out loud, stop talkin' like some Matrix reject and talk sensibly! GEEK What's the Matrix? HARRY Oh for crying out loud. Stick yer head out of yer arse for long enough to get a life. GEEK Y'wot? Harry flips him off. GEEK (cont'd) One what? Harry is now really confused. HARRY What? GEEK You made a one signal with your hand. Harry fumes and turns to Randy. RANDY Harry, don't let him bother you. HARRY That's just too hard. (Shouting) HEY DRIVER! HOW FAR ARE WE FROM THE BLOODY HOTEL? DRIVER (V.O) Do I see you eating down there? HARRY (continued) 3 Oh yeah, he's smoking, we're drinking and I'm eating. DRIVER (V.O) No need for sarcasm. Harry grins, it wasn't sarcasm of course. HARRY Can you put that damn fag out? He'll see the smoke. RANDY Since Jenna dumped me I gotta have something to hold. HARRY (After a pause) Okay don't put it out. Harry searches the bus. Locks in like the terminator on a sexy girl. HARRY'S P.O.V (BABE-MODE) Set out like a Terminator view screen. The sexy girl is in his green crosshairs, and surrounded by a red square. Under it is: Martial status: Single. Bra size: 34EE. Job: Stripper. Other information: One word--HORNY. BACK TO SCENE Harry pulls out of babe-mode. And thinks of doing something to get her attention. HARRY Check out the blonde over there. RANDY D'you think I should go for it? HARRY (Regretfully) I was gonna have a go, but you try. 4 RANDY (Extinguishing fag) And off the King goes. Randy gets up and stealthily creeps into the seat next to her. Harry grins. HARRY (Self) He's learning. Randy and the girl are seen to be in deep conversation. HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O) It's good to have a rookie with you, someone to pass things onto when you finally pass away and go to the horrors of marriage. Poor guy was dumped by his six year girlfriend last week, devastated, but now I have to go to bloody Yorkshire with him, just 'cos I opened my big mouth and said he needs a break. But oh well, hopefully that have good girls there. The bus stops, a few people get on. There aren't many seats, so a beautiful foreign woman wearing very skimp clothes has to sit next to Harry. As Harry leans into camera, grins and raises his eyebrow, we: CUT TO: EXT. DYNAMITE HOTEL - NIGHT The bus stops outside a small three floor hotel set on the corner of a lovely, remote Yorkshire coastal town. Harry, Randy and quite a few others get off; Harry's face is covered in lipstick and his T-shirt is ripped. No prizes for guessing what he was up to. HARRY Whoa, what a trip. Randy is with the Blonde girl, TARA. RANDY Best bus ride of my life. HARRY So who's the new bitch? RANDY Tara meet Harry, Harry meet Tara. TARA/HARRY Hi. 5 RANDY She's staying in our hotel. Harry nods. INT. HOTEL - RECEPTION - NIGHT Harry enters with his luggage, while Randy and Tara come in arm in arm. The receptionist, KATIE, old and weathered grins. KATIE Mr. Goose? HARRY How did you know? KATIE A hunch, yes you and Mr. Kingler are in room eight. HARRY I asked for separate rooms. KATIE Well boo-hoo-hoo, sorry we're fully booked. HARRY Are there separate beds? KATIE No. HARRY A sofa? KATIE No. HARRY A Jacuzzi? KATIE No. No and no. Here's your key. Katie hands him a key, then she turns to some other tourists. Harry flips her off, and makes fun of her behind her back... but stops when she turns round. Randy leaves Tara. RANDY See ya later, honey. HARRY Great news, we have to sleep in the same room. 6 RANDY Bagsy top bunk. HARRY There's only one bed. As you bagsied first you get the floor. RANDY Oh great. HARRY How's the new girl? RANDY Great, she's just Jenna but blonde and hornier. HARRY Oh come on, Jenna wasn't exactly special. They head up the stairs, bags in tow. INT. FIRST FLOOR - NIGHT The two of them come out of some double doors. As Harry comes a HUGE AMERICAN WOMAN JUMPS HIM, THEY CRASH TO THE FLOOR. BIG WOMAN Oh, Darren, I love you so much. Don't ever go. Harry is bewildered. HARRY I'm sure I love you too, d'you fancy getting off? You're kind of...crushing certain areas. The big woman looks up to him. BIG WOMAN Bastard! You ain't Darren! She PUNCHES Harry right in the jaw, it feels like a jackhammer. HARRY Aw, bullshit, woman. If you were a man I'd break your... Suddenly DARREN, her obese American husband comes upstairs. BIG WOMAN Oh Darren! This awful little thing came onto me. Darren hugs her then moves to Harry, who is getting up. 7 DARREN Why y'all little sonovabitch. Harry knows what's coming next: BAM! CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION - NIGHT VINCENT McAFEE the heavyset, mustached owner of the hotel is attentively fitting a small black plaster over Harry's almost broken nose. McAFEE You should be more careful with who you try'n make-out with next time. HARRY I didn't. Who'd wanna make out with that? slobby little...slimy thing... BIG WOMAN (V.O) Y'all say somethin'? HARRY As if. (Under breath) Over-fed swine. McAFEE That's Darren Willis, big American director. You should be more careful. HARRY Yeah? Well, this isn't the last he's heard of the Gooseman. McAFEE I forgot you were The Goose. HARRY Whoa, my popularity has spread this far? McAFEE Nope. Saw it on your suitcase. HARRY Oh. McAFEE So what is the Goose? 8 HARRY Everything you want it to be. McAFEE And what would you do if I wanted it to be cooked. HARRY Give a wise bow and say "Shut up". McAFEE Oh. Well your wounds are okay, anyway. Are you going to see the entertainment tonight? HARRY What is it? McAFEE Bob Bobson's mystery act. HARRY Might do. When's dinner? McAFEE In half an hour. HARRY Right. Well I'm gonna check out the local shops. CUT TO: INT. HARRY & RANDY'S ROOM - AFTER TEA/BEFORE BOBSON - NIGHT Randy is taking a shower when Harry comes in clutching a cold can of Boddington's. He takes a glass from a rack in the shabbiest corner of the very shabby room, tilts the glass sideways and pours the beer in. CU - BOTTOM OF GLASS The bottom of the glass is very loose. BACK TO SCENE Harry takes a long draught and heads to the window, he peels it open and stares into the moon caked streets. HARRY'S P.O.V Darren and his wife, JULIE step out with their little twins, BOYD and KELLY. EXT. WINDOW - NIGHT Harry watches as the group stop under his window so the adults can light cigarettes. 9 CU - BOTTOM OF GLASS It suddenly falls apart, one half bursts from the seams so it only Dangles on by one side. EXT. JULIE & DARREN - NIGHT As a shower of beer ruins their designer posh garb. Both of them squeal. INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT Harry sheepishly ducks back in and shuts the windows. He puts the glass to one side and quickly bolts and locks the door. Randy comes out freshly dressed. RANDY What's all the hullabaloo about? HARRY Excuse me? RANDY The screams? HARRY Oh I think it rained a little. HEAVY BANGS are heard on the door, mixed with heavy expletives. Harry quickly turns on the radio and it over shadows the noises. HARRY (cont'd) Nothing like good music. RANDY You hate Westlife. What are you covering up? HARRY Fine, I accidentally broke the bottom off one of the Hotel glasses. RANDY Oh I got some superglue, I'll soon mend that. HARRY I'm gonna go down and see the entertainment, coming? RANDY No, I'm seeing Tara. HARRY Sex? RANDY (continued) 10 And maybe a head. HARRY Rock on. INT. STAIRCASE/HALLWAY - NIGHT Harry comes down the staircase and into the large hallway. Suddenly SARAH, the shapely waitress who works in Harry's favourite coffee shop comes from the lift. HARRY SARAH! Sarah spins, sees him: SARAH Harry...how great to see you. HARRY Same here. I see you arse is still so fine. SARAH You perv. HARRY You weren't saying that Friday night. SARAH All right, point taken. HARRY What brings you here? SARAH Felt like a break. HARRY Where are you going? SARAH To the entertainment thing. HARRY May I have the pleasure of escorting you? Sarah finally grins, offers him her arm. He takes it, posh style. They giggle. INT. BAR/STAGE AREA - NIGHT 11 Harry comes over to Sarah with two drinks, she is sitting enjoying a quiet smoke while watching some podgy Liverpool comedian (BOB BOBSON) try to be funny. A group of Chinese people JEFF, ELIZA, CHOW & SHEI sit next to them. JEFF Greetings, Mr. Goose. HARRY Hi. How'd you know me? ELIZA Your ghost hunting website is on fire in our country at the moment. HARRY Oh...cool. (To Sarah) See you're dating a celebrity. SARAH Harry, we're not dating, just friends. HARRY Oh fuck you then. Harry takes his drink and moves a few seats back. He is next to The Geek! GEEK Oh, it's you again. Mr. Matrix. HARRY Yes it's me. GEEK Are you enjoying that drink? HARRY What d'you think I'm doing with it? Blowing it like a trumpet. GEEK No that would blow the froth into your face. HARRY Clever. GEEK Well I'm Joe, who're you? HARRY Harry Deckard. 12 GEEK The Goose? HARRY The one and only. I'm not gonna ask how you know me. GEEK The web of course, I hacked into your computer and put a virus on it. BAM! Harry socks him in the jaw. HARRY That's for all the scripts that bloody virus Wiped from my computer. Another punch. HARRY (cont'd) And that's because I'd got so far on Soldier of Fortune two and my saves were wiped. JOE holds his hand up. JOE Please! No more. HARRY Next one was gonna be fore some of the steamy E-mails I got from an online date. JOE Bet that woulda hurt. Ever heard of Jules Fedsey? HARRY Nope. JOE Oh I'm Interpol, Joe Peruzzi, I'm hunting him I have been for months. He's got a rap sheet The size of my dick. HARRY He's never been arrested? JOE Yeah. But we think he may have been hacking into Government files. HARRY Oh and you haven't? JOE (continued) 13 Keep ya voice down, he's over there. Joe points to Darren. HARRY No, that's Darren Willis, American director. JOE Who told you that? HARRY McAfee, the hotel owner. JOE That means he's onto it. HARRY Into what? JOE The operation. HARRY What operation? JOE The...you GUILLIBLE TWAT OPERATION! Ha. Ha. Ha. You fell for it! Harry hooks his foot around Joe's chair leg and pulls it away From him. HARRY Oops, you fell for that. Harry gets up and leaves. HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O) What a day in my life. CUT TO: INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT (LATER) Harry sits on the bed watching Some German porn film, he takes a frozen can of Boddington's from his suitcase and puts it on the table, eyes still on the film he moves to take the glass, he picks it up. Randy has scrawled next to it: "DON'T USE-GLUE DRYING". Harry is still watching the T.V, he checks the glass, and the bottom is on. After checking her pours the beer into it and relaxes on the bed. GERMAN PORNSTAR Zeh gut! Zeh gut! Zeh guuuuuuut! 14 Harry leans back and leans the glass on his forehead. As he lies down, WE PAN TO: Randy's note. Harry relaxes in the coolness for a moment, then reaches for a drink, he PULLS HARD, but it doesn't come off. HARRY Bullshit. A knock at the door. DARREN (V.O) Deckard? HARRY Get lost. The door opens-it was left unlocked. Darren steps in. DARREN This is for the beer. Harry whips round; Beer from his glass goes flying onto Darren's Shirt--staining it. HARRY Err...dry cleaner's is down the road. Harry pushes the much bigger man out and SLAMS the door in his face, he manages to lock it then stares into the mirror at the now empty glass which is stuck sideways on his face. Darren continues to knock on the door. HARRY (cont'd) Damn super glue. HARRY'S IMAGINATION INT. DARK ROOM - DAY Harry, with no glass on his head steps into a metal booth with "TIME MACHINE" written on top. INT. TIME MACHINE - DAY Harry types in "When super glue was invented" on the keypad. A pause. INT. SMALL LAB - NIGHT Harry is FARTED out from a time hole, he lands in front of a professor. PROFESSOR (continued) 15 Hey, you're just in time to try out my new invention, I call it amazing...no super glue. Harry seizes the man and THROWS HIM LIKE A JAVELIN through the window. HARRY Stick on that! DISSOLVE THROUGH TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME, THEN: DISSOLVE BACK TO: INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT Harry snaps out of it. HARRY (Singing for some reason) Bullshit. (Higher voice) Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. (Lower-rap) Yo-yo-yo- motherin' yeah, bullshit, bullshit, ain't no hurtin' the high roller as he spin in a cadillac, chewin' on some greasy-ass snack, so I say hold back 'cos it's... (Higher) Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. (Lower) Yo-yo-yo, yeah. Bullshit, bullshi---. A key turns in the door, Randy enters. RANDY Harry, man! I knew something like this would happen. HARRY Look at my head! It's ruined! RANDY Now don't panic... HARRY Don't panic! YOU TELL ME NOT TO PANIC! YOU FLAMIN' PANIC WHEN A SPIDER CRAWLS IN. RANDY (Shakey) (continued) 16 Spid-spider? Where? HARRY Oh Tara's brave hero. RANDY Well she certainly thought I was. HARRY The definition of a Bastard: A guy named Randy who shags you all night with a two inch dick and kisses you goodnight with a five inch tongue! RANDY Hilarious. HARRY I know. Now where's that bloody phone. Harry swings up accidentally hits Randy with the glass. Randy pulls away and locates the phone, he hands the receiver to Harry. CUT TO: INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - MORNING The first rays of morning pierce through the curtains. As Randy stirs awake, he finds himself lying on the floor with a pillow and a few sheets. A loud yawn and Harry is up. PAN UP TO HARRY As he swings up from bed his foot slams into the door handle, accidentally hooks around it and he is sent sprawling to the floor. The door swings open. HARRY Damn. HARRY'S IMAGINATION Harry grabbing the door and shredding it into bits with a huge CHAINSAW. BACK TO SCENE A heavy looking black youth walks into the room. YOUTH Hey, bitch, you makin' a lotta noise, disrupting' my women. Stick yo' hands up and recieve yo' beatin'! Randy rolls his eyes and lies back down. Harry looks sheepish. 17 HARRY Sorry man, but I...kinda have a pretty big erection at the moment and he's desperate for me to wank him, so if you don't go in the next five seconds you're gonna have an angry me and an angry Johnny on your arse. The youth thinks for a moment and then decides to turn and hurry out. HARRY Always works. RANDY You lucky sonofabitch. Harry feels his head to make sure the glass has gone--it has. HARRY Damn glass has buggered off at least. I'm going for a walk anyway. EXT. STREET - MORNING Harry, dressed in a jacket and Levis, heads into the chilly street. As he gets out a shower of baked beans lands inches away from him, he spins and looks up to see Julie and Darren leaning over their window smiling. Harry grins. HARRY Missed! SPLAT! A bowlful of spaghetti lands on his head. HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O) I asked for that. TIME CUT: EXT. LINE OF SHOPS - DAY Harry is walking, while drinking COFFEE from a can. As he passes a beauticians he stops, it reads "SPECIAL MEN'S DEAL: SHAVE AND MASSAGE FOR £5.00, SPECIAL OFFER". Harry thinks, finishes the drink, slips it into a recycling bin and heads in. INT. BEAUTICIAN'S - FOYER - DAY Harry steps in to the tiny, adequately-decorated place. A sunny receptionist greets him with a "for the public" smile. 18 RECEPTIONIST Hello. What can I do you for? HARRY The discounts massage and shave? RECEPTIONIST Oh yes. That'll be five pounds, please. Harry hands her a fiver. She beckons him in. CUT TO: INT. MASSAGING THEATRE - DAY Harry lies, looking in ecstasy. A gorgeous massager is rubbing her toes into his back. He moans in a beautiful orgasm. The massager is dancing around like a wild pixie on him. HARRY Oooooooh! Bitch! Spank me! Spank me! The massager shrugs and grabs a leather whip. Harry doesn't expect it when SPANK! He gets it full on. HARRY What the... He is cut off as: SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! His words are overshadowed by the hard leather. MASSAGER That good, bitch? HARRY Err...yeah. The massager throws the whip aside and continues with the massage. CU - HARRY'S FACE As he slowly slips into the land of nod. BLACK SCREEN We hear Harry snore and a sharp BUZZING sound. CUT TO: INT. HARRY - DAY Harry wakes up, looking groggy. The massager is holding a razor and standing over him, he is lying on his back. HARRY (continued) 19 Oh my balls feel so cold...hey you...you shaved my...my... MASSAGER Well what did you expect me to shave for such a low price? HARRY (Shocked) My stubble? Oh, I have no stubble. (Dawns on him) Oh...my...gosh...you've shaved my pheubes off! Harry screams and pounces free from the table and from the Massager. He turns and flees. EXT. STREETS - DAY As Harry is BELCHED out (still naked) from the doors, he runs terrified down the street, we get a view from waist up, women shield children's eyes, men can't help but watch, and others wolf whistle. INT. POSH CAFE - DAY A James Bond stereotype is ordering a Martini when he sees Harry go past, he stares transfixed. BARMAN And how would you like your drink, sir? JAMES BOND TYPE (Transfixed) Shaven not stirred... The Barman stares at him like he's just farted out a cat. BACK TO: EXT. STREETS - DAY As naked Harry rushes like a lunatic through the streets. HARRY (Self) Holidays! Damn 'em. Sarah happens to be coming from the Baker's when he charges past. SARAH Is this meanna impress me Harry? HARRY (Dry) (continued) 20 Oh yeah, all for you, baby. Harry charges past. Sarah throws a French loaf at him, he catches and puts it in front of his modesty. HARRY (To camera) High-speed relationships never work. And I can't think of anymore one liners. Harry charges forward, when he sees Darren come around the corner, he grins, spins his French stick like a last and BAM! Hits Darren right in the stomach, as Darren topples Harry grins. HARRY And I bet it's bigger'n yours. DARREN Fiend! EXT. STREET LEADING TO HOTEL - DAY Harry reaches the street leading to the hotel and grins, he's almost there--to freedom--and that's when he trips on the banana skin and falls FRONT FIRST onto a bristly welcome mat. BLACK SCREEN A LOUD SCREAM. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - HOSPITAL - NIGHT Harry and Randy emerge from the hospital. Harry has just been de-admitted. HARRY At least they were able to take hair from my head and put on my balls. RANDY Yeah. HARRY Only thing was I was in full erectonized state when I felt those Bristles. Randy shudders. RANDY Okay, okay, I don't wanna know! HARRY Well, it was quite a day. I can tell You. Now I'm ready to leave. 21 RANDY You joking? Me and Tara need to stay longer To get to know each other! 21 CU—HARRY'S FACE It turns to a picture of horror. HARRY Oh a few more days in the bloody hotel From hell, you're havin' a laugh, ain't Ya? RANDY (Grinning) It's not funny, it's bloody hilarious. FADE TO BLACK AS HARRY EMITS A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM. THE END The following program was a THE GOOSE production. We hope You enjoyed it, E-mail thegoose_888@hotmail or firstname.lastname@example.org With any queries, questions or thoughts on this masterpiece. Stay tuned for episode three.
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