FADE IN:
EXT. factory - NIGHT
SOUND: a piercing wind, slicing through the sky.
Snow is falling thick and heavy.
The factory presides at the top of a white cast hill, puffing smoke from an ancient chimney.
A rickety truck heads up a barely discernable road towards the factory, and displays a frost covered logo for “Big Mart” on its side.
TITLE:
Halloween EVE
INT. factory – carver’s quarters - NIGHT
A decrepit and frail OLD MAN, wrapped in factory overalls and a scarf, blows his nose.
The room is 3 meters wide by 3 meters long, by 15 meters high, and is stacked from floor to ceiling with un-carved pumpkins.
The walls seem to curve as they reach up and onwards to reveal a small window and flakes of snow blowing in from outside.
The nose is blown. The Old Man returns to his work. Picking up a knife with an unsteady hand, he leans over a venerable oak table towards a fat and juicy pumpkin. 
old man
Where were we?
He coughs violently, almost knocking himself off his feet and the pumpkin off the table.
The pumpkin is crowned with a newly delivered halo of yellowy green phlegm. 
INT. factory - main area - NIGHT
An endless line of perfectly carved jack-o’-lanterns graces an individual conveyor belt that zigzags higher and higher up into the murky reaches of the factory.
The lanterns are yet to be lit. Their menacingly beautiful faces taunt the thankless row of PRODUCTION LINE WORKERS who stand before them, one worker for each lantern, one lantern for each worker, all except for one noticeable individual, BILLY RAY JENKINS, mulleted and vacant, at the lower left-hand end of the conveyor belt with nothing in front him other than his own icy breath.
To the left of Billy Ray, an unwelcoming oak door houses the out-of-bounds carver’s quarters. A sign reads “Leave me alone.”
SOUND: A cough wheezes from inside the carver’s quarters.
Billy Ray is unnerved and so tries to make conversation:
billy ray
So what they mean, them jack-o’-lanterns, anyway?
DOROTHY, a plump, middle aged production line worker is instantly annoyed.
dorothy
What you mean, what they mean?
billy ray
What they mean? I mean, where they came from?
dorothy
They comes from them pilgrims, don’t they?
billy ray
They does?
dorothy
Them pilgrims. Don’t you know the story?
EXT. the atlantic ocean - NIGHT
The Mayflower drifts along under the moonlight, as envisioned by Dorothy - not much more than an over-sized rowing boat with ten or twelve PILGRIM FATHERS, MOTHERS and CHILDREN standing around on deck.
dorothy
(v/o)
They was in the middle of the ocean. They couldn’t see nothing, and one clever pilgrim sez…
CLEVER PILGRIM
Supposin’ we hit an ice-berg? We cain’t see where we’s goin’.
dorothy
(v/o)
And so they’s decided, we’s be needin’ a lantern.
clever pilgrim
What can we be making a lantern from, I ask ya?
The SHIP COOK steps up, complete with modern day chef hat, holding a substantial roasted turkey.
ship cook
I got a turkey.
pilgrims
(all)
You can’t make a lantern from a turkey.
The Ship Cook holds up a plate of meat loaf.
ship cook
I got a freshly baked meat loaf.
pilgrims
	(all)
You can’t make a lantern from a meat loaf.
ship cook
I got a pumpkin.
dorothy
(v/o)
And so they carved on that pumpkin.
clever pilgrim
Let’s make him fearsome. He’ll ward off the spirits.
dorothy
(v/o)
And that pumpkin became the first ever jack-o’-lantern to this day, but…
The lantern peers out into the mist of the ocean, a cold and eerie other-world with the boat floating along as the sole living inhabitant of the emptiness. 
pilgrim child
I think I saw something.
clever pilgrim
Don’t be scarin’.
pilgrim mother
I’s not liking this. Who’s for turning out the lantern?
pilgrims
(all)
Aye!
They blow out the lantern.
Total darkness.
SOUND: (Ghostly) “Ooooooo!”
clever pilgrim
Who be makin’ ghost noises?
pilgrim child
I am.
clever pilgrim
Shut up, child.
SOUND: (o/s) Throaty cough.
INT. carver’s quarters - NIGHT
The pained face of the Old Man is in mid cough: full on mucus explosion.
Another ruined pumpkin hits the garbage can.
The Old Man looks to the heavens in distress.
He takes a fresh pumpkin from the pile and places it on the table. He takes up the knife and bites his tongue with fresh resolve.
INT. main area - NIGHT
Billy Ray and Dorothy peer straight ahead, lost in contemplation of our intrepid forefathers.
voice
(o/s)
That ‘aint what I heard.
The voice belongs to SILAS HOBBS, fellow production line worker and next in line along-side Dorothy. Hobbs has a side parting with a greasy comb over and makes you think of Adolf Hitler in overalls.
dorothy
Is that right?
silas
I just heard something different, that’s all.
To the left of Hobbs, JIM GRASON joins the conversation, huge and square jawed, and clearly only present as a stint between doing time.
jim
What you heard?
silas
I heard it was to scare off them injuns, isn’t it?
dorothy
Injuns?
silas
When they settled. They’s be having trouble with them injuns all the time.
EXT. settler encampment - DAY
The early SETTLERS have expanded in number, and problems, and now face an attack from an INDIGENOUS TRIBE complete with feather head dresses and face-paint.
Settlers scatter in all directions. Indigenous Tribesmen pursue, whacking settler behinds with sticks.
CUT TO:
LATER:
The settlers sit round the camp fire, carving pumpkins.
silas
(v/o)
So there was only one thing for it.
billy ray
(v/o)
They made jack-o’-lanterns?
silas
(v/o)
They wore jack-o’-lanterns on their heads.
clever settler
We’ll sneak into the encampment with these on our heads. Teach ‘em a lesson.
dorothy
(v/o)
What about the candle?
silas
 (v/o)
They held ‘em in their mouths.
Settlers light and place candles between their teeth.
EXT. tribal camp - NIGHT
Totems and wig-wams: the works.
silas
And so it happened
The settlers storm the camp with jack-o’-lanterns on their heads.
Indigenous tribes-people flee, terrified.
settlers
(all)
Weeeee…
billy ray
(v/o)
It worked?
silas
(v/o)
It worked.
EXT. field - DAY
A sunny day: Indigenous people, still in face-paint and head feathers, toil the fields.
silas
(v/o)
From that day, the injuns did pretty much whatever the settlers wanted.
Settlers emerge into view, pointing directions and giving orders, all wearing jack-o’-lanterns on their heads, some standing majestically with hands on hips.
INT. carver’s quarters - NIGHT
A jack-o’-lantern with peering eyes, a slit nose and half a twisted smile: an artist’s creation.
The Old Man works fixatedly on the sinister visage, nearing completion of the jack-o’-smile. His nose twitches.
The Old Man reaches for a handkerchief, fumbling.
old man
Ach, ach…
He presses the handkerchief into his face and sneezes triumphantly.
Snow continues to cascade through the window and into the tall, enclosed room.
The Old Man shivers. He removes the handkerchief from his face and smiles sweetly.
old man
That’s better. Ach CHOOOO!!!
The sneeze sends the pumpkin flying of the table. The Old Man is propelled backwards, legs flying up into the air, into a pile of pumpkins that avalanche down like thunder.
INT. main area - NIGHT
SOUND: (o/s) The avalanche.
The production line workers are momentarily distracted by the sound from the carver’s quarters.
jim
I heard it was Franklin.
SILAS
What?
jim
I heard they invented the jack-o’-lantern for Ben Franklin.
dorothy
What you talking about?
INT. philadelphia – a hall - DAY
SAM ADAMS, JOHN HANCOCK, PATRICK HENRY… the giants of their time are gathered round, pondering the task at hand, the constitution of the United States of America, presided over by the regally silent GEORGE WASHINGTON.
jim
(v/o)
They were all there, Adams, Hancock, Henry, working on a constitution for the new country. They had to invite old Franklin along ‘cause of his name alone. The old guy was going a bit funny by then.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN sits in a corner rocking chair, carving away at a pumpkin, giggling to himself.
hancock
It will surely be amended, anyway.
henry
Yes, John, but that does not allow for complacency on our part. We must come to some resolution on…
ben franklin
Look! It’s a big one!
Proud Ben Franklin holds up his work: the pumpkin, into which he has carved the unmistakable likeness of an erect penis.
henry
Yes, Ben, that’s very good. Well done.
SOUND: A general murmur subsides.
henry
(cont.)
Some agreement needs to be made concerning voting rights before we present this to the people.
adams
It must be selective, otherwise anyone, just anyone…
ben franklin
Look!
Ben holds up the pumpkin, and sure enough, a second penis.
adams
Thank you, Ben.
(to the others)
Otherwise the fate of the nation will be in the hands of those who are unqualified to even…
Adams realizes that attention is divided between himself and rocking Franklin in the corner.
adams
Gentlemen?
hANCOCK
I understand your position, Mr. Adams.
henry
We may have to sleep on it, again.
adams
Sleep on it, sleep on it. How long is..?
ben franklin
Look!

All eyes turn to Ben, who is finishing his latest carving. Adams is dismayed.
ben franklin
Hang on. Can you guess what it is?
henry
Is it - is it another penis, Benjamin?
Ben reveals his work to the exhausted crowd.
ben franklin
It is.
Cut to:
later:
The group is huddled over some important work.
jim
(v/o)
And so they had no choice.
hancock	
Ben, old fellow, we’ve made you something that you might like.
The group reveals an authentic, glowing jack-o’-lantern.
ben franklin
It’s – it’s marvelous. Is it for me?
hancock
It is.
Ben runs away cradling the world’s first jack-o’-lantern.
silas
(v/o)
Are you sure?
INT. main area - NIGHT
Jim looks offended.
jim
Am I sure?
silas
It just sounds a bit odd, doesn’t it? And I always thought jack-o’-lanterns were used before then in scaring off the British.
EXT. boston - DAY
RED COATS running through the streets, carrying cups of tea without spilling a drop, before themselves leaping into the water.
red coats
I’ve wet myself Mummy.
The Red Coats are chased by a brave band of LOCALS - with jack-o’-lanterns on their heads.
locals
Weeee…
INT. main area - NIGHT
Jim is aggressive and dangerous.
jim
You calling me a liar?
silas
No, I…
SOUND: The oak door creaking open.
A perfectly carved jack-o’-lantern peers out from behind the door of the carver’s quarters, resting on the hand of the unseen Old Man.
The line of production workers, zigzagging up into the upper reaches of the building, gasps in pure wonderment.
Billy Ray takes the new jack-o’-lantern from the wrinkled hand and places it in the last available space on the conveyor belt.
SOUND: The oak door closes tight.
Billy Ray reaches for a lever and yanks.
SOUND: A nearby generator kicks into life.
Perfectly synchronized, the production line workers reach under the conveyor belt to pull out individual candles, which they light, and place in their respective jack-o’-lanterns. The effect is magical.
Billy Ray pulls another lever and the conveyer belt starts to move, shifting the jack-o’-lanterns onwards and upwards.
The jack-o’-lanterns reach the top right hand of the factory and disappear through a small purpose built window.
INT. upper side room - NIGHT
It’s another worker’s quarter, mirroring that of the carver, the difference here being that jack-o’-lanterns fall through the high window into the scrambling arms of a lone WORKER.
The miserable Worker is a rival in age to the Old Man but has a far less thankful job. He catches one lantern. The candle drops onto the floor, going out in the process.
The Worker carries the lantern across the room to a shoot hatch and drops it in.
INT. the shoot - NIGHT
The lantern rolls down the shoot, gaining momentum.
EXT. the factory - NIGHT
The lantern flies out of an exit high in the exterior factory wall and drops perfectly into the open-top Big Mart truck.
The DRIVER waits patiently by the side, smoking a cigarette.
INT. upper side room - NIGHT
The Worker dashes across the room to catch a falling pumpkin. Again, the candle falls out, losing its light.
The Worker kicks the candle across the room to a growing pile.
The next lantern drops to the floor with a splat.
In two minds, the Worker carries the caught lantern to the shoot as the next in line falls to floor behind him.
EXT. big mart truck - NIGHT
The truck is filling up with perfectly carved lanterns, all missing their candles, and awaiting transport to the country’s landmark outlets.
EXT. the factory - NIGHT
The Big Mart truck pulls away and heads down the hill, struggling through snow, and leaving the dark and deranged lantern factory chugging smoke into the air behind. 
fade out.