VAGUELY FLOURISHING,
A BACKSTAGE FABLE

A Screwball Comedy
in Two Acts

by

Paul A. Martin

 2009	
748 Harrington Lake Drive North
Venice, Florida 34293
(941) 320-5439
spottygroundfogg@comcast.net
Cast Of Characters

Both Eras

HANK GILFOOLEY: The director for both productions of “Vaguely Flourishing.”

CUBBY: The stage manager for both productions.

The Original Production in 1950

MELODY CHICHESTER (YOUNG MELODY): 22, a young actress with flaming red hair and great comedic talents, is about to debut in the supporting role of “Jane.”

JACK TRIMBLE (YOUNG JACK): 25, another fresh face, will also make his Broadway debut in the supporting role of “Baxter.”

CECILY DEVANISTER (CECILY): In her 50’s, one of Broadway’s mainstays, will be creating the lead role of “Roberta.”

OSCAR O’SHEA: In his 50’s, a beloved Broadway veteran, will portray the lead role of “Charlie.”

BETTY LOU QUIGLEY (YOUNG BETTY LOU): In her 20’s, a member of the ensemble with auburn hair and a southern drawl.

The Revival in 1980

MELODY CHICHESTER (MELODY): Now 52, she is the reigning Queen of TV Comedy and is about to return to the Broadway stage for the first time in thirty years to star as “Roberta” in the revival.

JACK TRIMBLE (JACK): Now 55, he has followed a less illustrious path and is hoping the revival will also revive his career, will portray “Charlie.”

ANNIE CAROTHERS: In her 20’s, a seasoned Broadway comedy star who would prefer to play Lady MacBeth, will play “Jane.”

BOBBY GUNN: In his 20’s, came to New York straight from the sticks and landed the role of “Baxter” in the revival.

C. BATES LAWRENCE (CB): In his 50’s, is producing the revival, although not everyone is too thrilled with that.

VICKI FROBISHER: In her 20’s, a gorgeous, ahem...actress, better known as “Showstopper Vicki.”
CECILY DEVANISTER (OLD CECILY): Now in her 80’s, had her chance to reprise the role of “Roberta.”

BETTY LOU QUIGLEY (BETTY LOU): Now in her 50’s, the former cast member returns for Opening Night.

	Other

Ensemble, Deborah, Maitre D’, Waiters, Cop, etc.

Time

The show takes place in two eras: In 1950, during the original production of the Broadway comedy, “Vaguely Flourishing,” and in 1980, during the thirtieth anniversary revival.

Sometimes the two eras overlap, but only Hank (the director), Cubby (the stage manager) and the Ensemble interact with characters from both eras.

Scenes

ACT ONE	

1-1	A New York City rehearsal hall
1-2	A dressing area at the rehearsal hall
1-3	Hank’s office; Melody’s kitchen; Outside the Kubelsky Theatre stage door (1950); Hank’s office
1-4	Backstage at a theatre on the pre-Broadway tour
1-5	The wings of the theatre, early the next morning
1-6	Backstage at the Kubelsky Theatre on Broadway

ACT TWO

2-1	Broadway, in front of the Kubelsky Theatre
2-2	The makeup room at the Kubelsky Theatre, opening night
2-3	Backstage on opening night
2-4	An office at the Kubelsky Theatre, immediately after the show
2-5	Chez Chiemac’s, a fancy French restaurant
2-6	Annie’s apartment
2-7	Backstage at the Kubelsky Theatre on Broadway

ACT ONE SCENE ONE -- A New York City rehearsal hall

(This scene takes place over several weeks, during rehearsals for the Broadway comedy, Vaguely Flourishing, both the original production in 1950 and the revival in 1980.  The ENSEMBLE is milling around the US perimeter.  CUBBY is sitting at a DC table.  There is a balled up dropcloth on the floor next to him.  HANK enters SR.  CUBBY spots him and stands)

CUBBY: Okay, Mr. Gilfooley’s here, let’s get started.

(The ENSEMBLE moves closer to CS)

HANK: First, I want to introduce our principals.  We have two Broadway veterans who need no introduction.  With us to portray Roberta is the star of Tonight In Paris and Sumpin’ For Nuttin’, Miss Cecily Devanister!

(CECILY enters US and crosses DR.  The ENSEMBLE applauds)

CECILY: Why, thank you, Mr. Gilfooley.  I’m sure you’re all brimming over with the thrill of working with me, one of the theatre’s shining lights.  Don’t think that, because I’m such an eminent celebrity, I’m unapproachable.  Please, feel free to come to me at any time and ask for an autograph.  I thank you.

(CECILY sits on a DR bench.  The ENSEMBLE is stunned)

HANK: Well, uh, with us to play the role of Charlie is the star of the recent hit, Found Money, Mr. Oscar O’Shea!

(OSCAR enters US and crosses DR.  The ENSEMBLE applauds tentatively)

OSCAR: I never know what to say in these situations.  Unless someone else writes the script, I’m up the crick.  Aw, shucks, I’m just proud as punch to be working with all you fine folks, so...let’s have a ball!

(The ENSEMBLE applauds enthusiastically.  OSCAR sits DR)

HANK: Mr. Oscar O’Shea!  Next, a couple of kids making their debut.  In the role of Baxter we have Mr. Jack Trimble and playing Jane is Miss Melody Chichester!

(YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK enter US and cross DR.  They wave, then sit DR.   The ENSEMBLE applauds)

HANK (CONT’D): Well, I’m excited!  Nothing beats starting a brand new show, so what do you say we make Vaguely Flourishing the Broadway hit of 1950?!

(The ENSEMBLE cheers)

HANK (CONT’D): Only...give me five minutes.  Nature calls.

(HANK hurries off SR.  A deflated ENSEMBLE returns to the US perimeter.  CUBBY sits at the table.  YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK stroll DS)

YOUNG JACK: So, you’re Melody...Chichester?

YOUNG MELODY: And you’re Jack Trimble.

YOUNG JACK: I can’t believe I’m here.  I go to all the auditions, but I was only offered one other part.

YOUNG MELODY: What was that?

YOUNG JACK: One of those singing service station attendants on Milton Berle’s TV show, but I turned it down.

YOUNG MELODY: (Surprised) Why?

YOUNG JACK: (Mock haughtily) I am a stage actor.  Television is beneath me.

YOUNG MELODY: You turned down Uncle Miltie!

YOUNG JACK: Sure, he’s Uncle Miltie now.  Back then, he wasn’t even a distant cousin!

(HANK enters SL.  CUBBY spots him and stands)

CUBBY: Okay, Mr. Gilfooley’s here, let’s get started.

(YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK sit DR and the original cast freezes.  The ENSEMBLE moves back toward CS)

HANK: Well, I’m excited!  Nothing beats reviving a classic, so what do you say we make Vaguely Flourishing the Broadway hit of 1980?

(The ENSEMBLE cheers)
HANK (CONT’D): Let’s start the introductions!  Making his debut as Baxter, Mr. Bobby Gunn!

(BOBBY enters US as the ENSEMBLE applauds.  He waves, then sits on a DL bench)

HANK (CONT’D): Playing Jane, we have the brightest new comedy star in New York.  Straight from her smash appearance in Among The Misting, Miss Annie Carothers!

(ANNIE enters IS.  The ENSEMBLE applauds.  ANNIE nods, then sits DL)

HANK (CONT’D): Now, it gives me great pleasure to welcome back two members of the original cast.  Here to recreate the roles of Roberta and Charlie are Miss Cecily Devanister and Mr. Oscar O’Shea!

(The ENSEMBLE applauds.  OLD CECILY enters alone US and crosses DL)

OLD CECILY: Why, thank you, Mr. Gilfooley.  It’s been thirty years, but all you little people who make up my adoring public won’t let me forget how wonderful I was.

(No one pays OLD CECILY any attention.  In pantomime, HANK and CUBBY look around.  A MESSENGER enters SL, hands CUBBY a telegram, then exits.  CUBBY reads it, his eyes widen and he whispers excitedly to HANK.  Meanwhile, OLD CECILY prattles on over the pantomime)

OLD CECILY (CONT’D): Of course, my co-star, Oscar O’Shea, wasn’t very talented, but he did know how to stay out of my way.  Barely.  Mr. O’Shea wasn’t a very nice man, even if the cast did seem to like him more than they did me.  But, that’s because they were jealous!  Everyone was jealous, especially Oscar!  I dreaded coming to the theatre because I knew he would be there, waiting to upstage me!  Oh, Oscar was cruel, all right!  Cruel and hard and nasty!  And I hated him!  Do you hear me?!  I hated him!  And now, oh, how I wish he were dead!

HANK: (Reacts to CUBBY) Dead...?!

OLD CECILY: (Startled) Dead...?  Who’s dead?

HANK: (To CUBBY) I don’t believe it!

CUBBY: It’s true.
HANK: I’d better make an announcement.

OLD CECILY: Who is dead?!

HANK: (To the revival cast) I have some bad news.  It seems our friend, Mr. Oscar O’Shea, has passed away.

(The revival cast reacts.  OLD CECILY moans and sways.  HANK and CUBBY rush over and support her)

HANK (CONT’D): Cecily, are you all right?

OLD CECILY: I-I can’t believe it.  Oscar O’Shea.  One of the greatest performers the theatre has ever known.  Why, he was one of the finest human beings the world has ever known!  I shall miss him terribly. (Beat) I-I loved him, you know.

HANK: Why don’t you go home?  You can start tomorrow.

OLD CECILY: No, I’ll go on with the rehearsal.  Oscar would have wanted it that way!

(HANK and CUBBY help OLD CECILY to the DL bench, then move DC)

CUBBY: What’s Mr. Lawrence gonna say?  He produced this show to reunite Miss Chichester and Mr. Trimble.  When they bowed out, he figured two other original stars would be the next best thing!

HANK: Wait a minute, that’s it!  Why did they bow out?

CUBBY: They hate each other!  They refuse to ever work together again.

HANK: But, we don’t need both of them, do we? (To YOUNG JACK) Oh, Jack?

YOUNG JACK: (Unfreezes) Yes, Mr. Gilfooley?

HANK: I’m promoting you to the lead.

YOUNG JACK: (Excited) When do I start?!

HANK: Oh, in about thirty years.

(YOUNG JACK freezes.  HANK addresses the revival cast)

HANK (CONT’D): We were all saddened by the loss of Mr. O’Shea...
(OLD CECILY moans)

HANK (CONT’D): ...but he’s being replaced by another member of the original cast, Mr. Jack Trimble!

(JACK enters.  The ENSEMBLE cheers.  JACK waves, then sits DL)

HANK (CONT’D): Cubby, we’ll start when you’re ready.

CUBBY: Okay, everyone, take five.

(The ENSEMBLE exits.  HANK sits at the table.  CUBBY sets up for a scene.  BOBBY crosses DL.  Two girls from the ENSEMBLE stop to flirt with him)

GIRL 1: He’s kinda cute.

GIRL 2: If you like that type.

GIRL 1: You don’t think he’s cute?

GIRL 2: Sure...I like that type.

(The GIRLS laugh and exit SL.  BOBBY is astonished)

ANNIE: Quit drooling, pal, it’s humid enough in here.

BOBBY: Those girls think I’m cute!

ANNIE: New in town?

BOBBY: How’d you know?

ANNIE: Lucky guess.

BOBBY: I’m hoping to meet the right girl.

ANNIE: No matter what you like, New York’s got her.

(CUBBY addresses both casts)

CUBBY: Okay, people, act one, scene three.  Charlie and Baxter are up, then we add Jane and Roberta.

(JACK joins BOBBY DL.  OSCAR and YOUNG JACK rise DR.  HANK directs.  Both casts do the same scene)

HANK: All right, Charlie, from your line, “Baxter, your mother’s been looking forward...”

OSCAR and JACK: (As Charlie) “Baxter, your mother’s been looking forward to this for so long.”

YOUNG JACK and BOBBY: (As Baxter) “I know, Mr. Henderson.  It’s all she talks about.”

OSCAR and JACK: “If anyone deserves it, it’s her.  Maybe we should...”

HANK: Charlie.

OSCAR and JACK: Yes?

HANK: When you say this line, take a step away from Baxter.

(OSCAR and JACK mark their scripts)

OSCAR and JACK: Got it.

(OSCAR and JACK step away from their Baxters)

OSCAR and JACK (CONT’D): “Maybe we should let her enjoy it before we tell her about...the problem.”

YOUNG JACK and BOBBY: “The problem?  Do you think we should mention it?”

OSCAR and JACK: “She has a right to know.”

YOUNG JACK and BOBBY: “Here comes Jane.  Does she know about...the problem?”

OSCAR and JACK: “I don’t think so.”

CUBBY: Jane enters.

(YOUNG MELODY rises SR.  ANNIE rises SL)

YOUNG MELODY and ANNIE: (As Jane) “Hi, Baxter!  Hi, Dad!  What’s up?”

OSCAR and JACK: “We’re waiting for Roberta.  This is the day, you know.”

YOUNG MELODY and ANNIE: “It is?  How exciting!”

OSCAR and JACK: “Look, here she comes now.”
CUBBY: And Roberta enters.

(CECILY rises, but OLD CECILY doesn’t.  The SL cast stops.  CUBBY shakes OLD CECILY.  She slumps.  CUBBY whispers to HANK.  Meanwhile, CECILY, as Roberta, continues SR)

CECILY: “Hi, everyone!  Do you know what today is?”

OSCAR: (As Charlie) “We sure do!”

CECILY: “I’m so excited!  I wish your father could be here.”

YOUNG JACK: “I know, Mother, but he can’t.”

CECILY: “It’s time to put the past behind me.  I feel better than I have in weeks.  I feel so...so alive!”

HANK: (Reacts to CUBBY) Dead...?!

(The original cast freezes)

HANK (CONT’D): I don’t believe it!

CUBBY: Miss Devanister isn’t a good enough actress to pull this off!

(HANK reluctantly addresses the revival cast)

HANK: I’m afraid I have some bad news.

ANNIE: Oh, no.

JACK: Are you sure?

HANK: Yes.  We need a new Roberta.  Well, everyone break for lunch while I find a replacement.

CUBBY: Okay, people, one hour for lunch.

(The original cast exits SR.  The revival cast exits SL.  CUBBY starts out)

HANK: Oh, Cubby...do something about her.

(CUBBY hesitates, then throws the dropcloth over OLD CECILY and hurries offstage)

HANK (CONT’D): What else could go wrong?
CB: (O.S.) Gilfooley, are you here?

HANK: (Looks upward) You never heard of rhetorical questions?

(CB enters and crosses to HANK)

CB: I thought you were rehearsing.

HANK: We were, CB, but we had a problem.  You see...

CB: Tell me later, I have some exciting news!  I made a new friend!

HANK: (Understands) Oh.  Would this friend be female?

CB: (Laughs) She better be or I’m gonna be mighty embarrassed in the morning!  And guess what?  She’s an actress!

HANK: (Not surprised) An actress in New York, imagine that.

CB: So, when can she start?

HANK: (Surprised) What...?

CB: I promised her a little part in the show.

HANK: I don’t know this girl!  Does she have any talent?!

CB: Loads of it!  But, don’t take my word for it, see for yourself. (Calls off) C’mon in, my dear!

(VICKI enters.  HANK is overwhelmed and stammers)

CB: (CONT’D) Hank, meet Miss Vicki Frobisher!

HANK: (Realizes) Vicki Frobisher...?!  CB, I need to speak to you!

(HANK drags CB away) 

HANK (CONT’D): Do you know who that is?!

CB: I just told you.  Vicki Frobisher.

HANK: Yes, or as she is better known in theatrical circles...Showstopper Vicki!

CB: Showstopper Vicki?  What are you talking about?
HANK: Every show Vicki Frobisher has been in has closed no later than intermission on opening night!  She seduces her way in, then blackmails her way to a lead, where her distinct lack of acting skills becomes readily apparent!  You’ve got to change your mind!

CB: She seemed so sincere when she said she loved me.  I guess I’ll have to reconsider.

(VICKI coyly adjusts her stockings)

CB (CONT’D): I’ve reconsidered, she’s in!

HANK: You’re kidding!

CB: I never kid when it comes to legs like that!  Do you have a part for her?

HANK: Fortunately, nothing’s open!

(CUBBY enters with a cart and crosses near OLD CECILY)

CUBBY: Hi, Mr. Lawrence. (To HANK) I’m ready to take care of her.

HANK: (Distracted) Who?

CUBBY: You know.

(CUBBY imitates a “stiff”)

HANK: (Realizes) Oh. (Really realizes) Oh!!!  Cubby, you must be starved!  Why don’t you run down to the deli and...

(HANK steers CUBBY away from OLD CECILY.  CUBBY veers back toward her)

CUBBY: I’m too worried.  Who can we get to replace her?

CB: Replace who?

HANK: Uh, no, CB, there’s no one to replace!

CUBBY: Sure there is, Mr. Gilfooley.  You haven’t forgotten...

(CUBBY does the “stiff” again)

CUBBY (CONT’D): ...have you?

CB: What’s going on?  Is there a role or isn’t there?

HANK: (“Remembers”) Oh...oh, yes, I forgot!  But, it’s small, only a few lines.  Carlotta.  Carlotta the Patagonian maid.

CUBBY: Carlotta?  But, Carlotta isn’t...

(HANK grabs CUBBY by the lapels)

HANK: You know, Cubby...Carlotta!  The only part we can offer to Mr. Lawrence’s friend here.  Vicki Frobisher?

CUBBY: Oh, how do you do, Miss Frobisher?  I... (Realizes) Mr. Gilfooley, that’s Vicki Frobisher!

HANK: (Calm) Yes, Cubby, and I’d like to offer her a bigger part, but the only part open is the maid.

VICKI: The maid?!

CB: What do you think?

VICKI: I think that, not only won’t I be playing the maid, but you and I won’t be playing The Admiral and the War Orphan!

CUBBY: The Admiral and the War Orphan?

CB: (Embarrassed) Oh, uh, a little scene I taught her.  Sort of an audition piece.

VICKI: The audition is over!

(VICKI turns and starts out)

CB: Wait!  If a better part opens up, it’s yours!

HANK: (Startled) What...?!

(VICKI stops, then turns back, very demure)

VICKI: All right, Batesy.  For you.

CB: Why don’t you run along and I’ll meet you later?

VICKI: Okay, but remember, the larger the role, the more grateful we war orphans can be!  

(VICKI exits)
HANK: (Flustered) I can’t believe you told her...

CB: Relax!  When Vicki sees how much we’ll be apart, she’ll beg to quit!

HANK: You don’t believe she’s sincere, do you?!

CB: I said she seemed sincere, I never said I believed her.  If she wants my money, she has to spend time with me.  She can even date other fellows...as long as she doesn’t tell them she loves them!

HANK: What if a larger part opens up?  You said she could have it!

(CB leans on OLD CECILY.  HANK’s eyes widen)

CB: Sure, we lost Oscar, but what are the odds of losing someone else?  Well, I’m off!  And I’m counting on you to take care of my new friend!

(CB exits.  HANK watches him go, then)

HANK: I’ll take care of her all right!  Somebody get me a gun!

CUBBY: If Miss Frobisher finds out...

(HANK and CUBBY load OLD CECILY onto the cart)

HANK: She’s not gonna find out!  Not before we get a replacement!  But, who?

CUBBY: Too bad Miss Chichester won’t do it.

HANK: That’s it!  Melody!

CUBBY: But, she turned you down.

HANK: Maybe she’ll change her mind when she sees how pathetic I’ve become!

CUBBY: That’s true.

(CUBBY pushes the cart off SL.  HANK calls off SR)

HANK: Oh, Melody?

(YOUNG MELODY enters SR)

YOUNG MELODY: Yes, Hank?

(JACK enters SL, unnoticed)

HANK: I’m promoting you to the lead.

YOUNG MELODY: (Excited) When do I start?!

HANK: Oh, in about thirty...

JACK: Hold it!

(YOUNG MELODY freezes.  HANK is startled)

HANK: Jack!  I thought you went to lunch!

JACK: I’m an actor, I can’t afford lunch!  I turned this role down when I found out who’d be co-starring.  If she steps in, I step out!

HANK: But, with Melody’s name on the bill, the show is sure to be a smash!

JACK: Thanks, Hank!  It’s good to know the way to make your show a hit is to cast Melody Chichester!  That way, even Jack Trimble can’t ruin it!

HANK: I didn’t mean...

JACK: No, you didn’t mean!  I had a whole career that nobody means!  Melody’s a big TV star and no one remembers me!  I can see it now!  Melody’s name above the title and, down below, in tiny little letters...Jack Trimble.  An addendum after an asterisk!

HANK: You’ll get equal billing, Jack.  It’ll say...the Sweethearts of Broadway!

JACK: The Sweethearts of Broadway...?  It’s been a long time since I heard that.

HANK: What do you say?  Do I call her?

JACK: I-I need to think it over.

HANK: I’ll be at my office.

(HANK exits)

JACK: The Sweethearts of Broadway...
YOUNG MELODY: (Unfreezes) You’re late!

(YOUNG MELODY moves toward JACK.  JACK holds his arms out, but she goes to YOUNG JACK, who enters DL)

YOUNG JACK: You’ve been here all the time?

YOUNG MELODY: Nope, just got here.

YOUNG JACK: So, you’re late, too.

YOUNG MELODY: Not officially.  Whatever time you say, I add twenty minutes and I’m right on time.

YOUNG JACK: You little sneak!

(He tries to kiss her, but she stops him)

YOUNG MELODY: You could have had twenty minutes.

YOUNG JACK: With who?  You weren’t here.

YOUNG MELODY: How about that girl who plays one of the Sultan’s wives?

YOUNG JACK: Betty Lou?

YOUNG MELODY: Oh, you know who I mean.

YOUNG JACK: Lucky guess.  It could have been any one of three or four... (Realizes) ...uh, we’d better run lines.

YOUNG MELODY: Good idea.  Your ad-libs are pathetic!

YOUNG JACK: Let’s take it from... (As BAXTER) “Mother should know for sure about the inheritance.”

YOUNG MELODY: (As JANE) “I hope it works.  I’d hate to see you go.”

YOUNG JACK: “You would?”

YOUNG MELODY: “Of course, goofy.  You’re the best pep squad leader Medford ever had!”

YOUNG JACK: “Is that all you meant?”

YOUNG MELODY: “What did you think I meant?”

YOUNG JACK: “I thought you and I...that we were...”
YOUNG MELODY: “Are you trying to say you love me?”

YOUNG JACK: “Yes, that’s just what I’m trying to say!”

(They pause, then burst out laughing)

YOUNG JACK (CONT’D): Sorry, I couldn’t help myself!

YOUNG MELODY: You should have seen your face!

YOUNG JACK: How about you? (Falsetto) “Are you trying to say you love me?”

YOUNG MELODY: (Deep voice) “Yes, that’s just what I’m trying to say!” (Normal voice) You’re so funny when you’re sincere!

(They laugh)

YOUNG JACK: Hey, we’ve got to get this right!  There’s only a few weeks ‘til we open on Broadway!

YOUNG MELODY: (Dreamily) Broadway!

YOUNG JACK: I hope the show’s a hit.

YOUNG MELODY: It will be.

YOUNG JACK: How can you be so sure?

YOUNG MELODY: Because I’m in it.

YOUNG JACK: (Surprised) What?

YOUNG MELODY: I promised myself I’d be in a hit show and I never break my promises.  Broadway’s only a stop on the road for me.

YOUNG JACK: The road to where?

YOUNG MELODY: To television.  I plan to star in my own show someday.

YOUNG JACK: It’s a fad, it’ll be gone in five years.

YOUNG MELODY: You’re afraid to try anything new!  Which is why I’ll succeed and you won’t!

YOUNG JACK: For someone whose career’ll be over in five years, you’re awfully conceited!

YOUNG MELODY: I’d rather be conceited than stagnant!

YOUNG JACK: Maybe we should stop seeing each other!

YOUNG MELODY: That’s fine with me!

YOUNG JACK: Fine with me, too!

YOUNG MELODY: Fine!

(YOUNG MELODY starts out)

YOUNG JACK: Where are you going?  We still have a scene to learn.

YOUNG MELODY: (Put out) Oh, all right!  Where were we?

YOUNG JACK: If it’s okay with you, Lord Olivier, we’ll take it from... (As Baxter) “Oh, is that all you meant...?”

YOUNG MELODY: “What did you think I meant?”

YOUNG JACK: “Well, I thought you and I...that maybe we were...”

YOUNG MELODY: “Baxter, are you trying to say you love me?”

YOUNG JACK: “Oh, yes, Jane, that’s just what I’m trying to say!”

(This time there is more tension and anger.  They pause, then embrace passionately)

YOUNG JACK (CONT’D): Oh, Jane!

YOUNG MELODY: Oh, Baxter!

YOUNG JACK: Oh, Jane!  Oh, Melody!

YOUNG MELODY: Oh, boy!

(They break apart, exhausted and stunned)

YOUNG MELODY (CONT’D): What was that all about?

YOUNG JACK: I don’t know, but...I liked it!

YOUNG MELODY: (Realizes) We were angry!  That’s the secret!  We have to stay angry!

YOUNG JACK: How?

YOUNG MELODY: Easy!  You tell me how wonderful I am and I’ll tell you how I’m gonna act the pants off you!

(She laughs and runs off.  YOUNG JACK is surprised)

JACK: Give her up, kid, she means every word of it.

YOUNG JACK: (Laughs) Act the pants off me?  Not a chance!

(YOUNG JACK runs after YOUNG MELODY.  JACK watches him go, then shakes his head and addresses us)

JACK: Thirty years can sure give a guy a clearer perspective.  What would have been different if I hadn’t gone after her?  A lot, probably.  No, not in my career, that would have still kicked around, gasping for breath.  You see, I loved Melody.  The problem was...so did she.  Maybe I wasn’t the most talented actor, but when the woman you love keeps rubbing it in, it gets pretty annoying.  I guess I’m lucky it ended when it did.  Except, here I am, fifty-five years old, desperate for a comeback, and my only hope is to throw myself back in with her again! (Defiant) Well, Miss Chichester, what was it you said?  You’ll act the pants off me?  Sorry, Missy, not this time!

(JACK starts out, then stops)

JACK (CONT’D): And, this time...I’m really angry!

(JACK exits)

END OF ACT ONE SCENE ONE
ACT ONE SCENE TWO -- A dressing area at the rehearsal hall

(There are two doors, one marked Men and one marked Women.  ANNIE is sitting, reading a large book.  VICKI enters, carrying a script)

VICKI: Well, well, if it isn't Annie Carothers.  

ANNIE: It can't be!  Vicki Frobisher!

VICKI: In the flesh.

ANNIE: That would be the extremely well-manhandled flesh, I believe.

VICKI: As opposed to yours, which is still in the original wrapper.  I assume you still haven't found Mr. Perfect?

ANNIE: I like to be a little discriminating.

VICKI: So do I.  Before I go out with a guy, I ask myself what he can do for me.  If I don't find a suitable answer, he's out.

ANNIE: Yeah, and if he's breathing, he's in.  
 
VICKI: I guess I should expect that from a woman who won't give a guy the time of day unless he worships Shakespeare!

(ANNIE stands and confronts VICKI)

ANNIE: What are you doing here?  I’d hoped we’d seen the last of Showstopper Vicki!

VICKI: Please, do we have to dredge up old memories?

ANNIE: You’ve closed more shows than Clive Barnes!  The answer to the question “Is the theatre dead?” is “No, they stopped Vicki just in time!”

VICKI: New producers come along all the time.

ANNIE: Who have you sunk your claws into this time?

VICKI: None other than Mr. C. Bates Lawrence.

ANNIE: (Realizes) You mean...?

VICKI: Yes, dear sister of the stage, you and I are once again...castmates!
(VICKI displays her script triumphantly)

ANNIE: This has to be a cruel joke!  With a bad peroxide blonde punchline!  I assume you've got the lead?

VICKI: How could I have the lead?  It's filled, isn't it?

ANNIE: (Covers) Of course, what was I thinking?  

VICKI: Now, if you don't mind, I have to learn my lines.  I don't have many. (Beat) Yet.  You're playing Jane, aren't you?

ANNIE: What of it?!

(VICKI thumbs through her script)

VICKI: My...look how many lines she has!

(VICKI smirks and exits into the ladies room.  BOBBY enters from the mens room.  ANNIE angrily throws her book to the floor.  BOBBY crosses to her)

BOBBY: Did you get it?

ANNIE: (Surprised) What...?!

(BOBBY picks the book up and examines it) 

BOBBY: Nope, you missed.  The Plays of William Shakespeare. (Laughs) Killing bugs is all this is good for!

ANNIE: I beg your pardon?

BOBBY: Shakespeare.  It's so boring.

(ANNIE snatches the book back)

ANNIE: Excuse me, I happen to love Shakespeare!

BOBBY: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.  Have you done a lot of Shakespeare?

ANNIE: It's my dream, but no one takes me seriously.

BOBBY: At least you get to do comedy.

ANNIE: Bite your tongue!

BOBBY: What did I say?
ANNIE: You touched my sorest of sore spots.  I hate comedy!

BOBBY: Why do you do it?

ANNIE: Sadly, I'm good at it.  And maybe someday someone will notice me and give me my big break.

BOBBY: I know what you mean.  I hope to move beyond comedy, too.

ANNIE: Really?  To what?

BOBBY: Musical comedy!

ANNIE: What...?

BOBBY: That's why I came to New York.  To sing in a Broadway musical!  And to meet the right girl.

ANNIE: All you gotta do is ask.

BOBBY: Okay...I'm asking.

ANNIE: You're asking me?

BOBBY: Would you go out with me?

ANNIE: Not in a million years!

BOBBY: What...?

ANNIE: I only date guys who love Shakespeare.

BOBBY: What if I learn to love Shakespeare?

ANNIE: You'd do that for me?

BOBBY: Sure!

ANNIE: Well, let’s get together sometime and read my favorite, The Tragedy of...oops!  It's bad luck to say that name in the dressing room.

BOBBY: What name?

ANNIE: You know, the Scottish play.

BOBBY: The Scottish play?  Oh...Brigadoon!

(ANNIE cringes)
BOBBY (CONT’D): (Realizes) Wait, we can get together?  Like on a date?

ANNIE: No, not a date, just two friends meeting for fun.

BOBBY: A date!

ANNIE: Fine, have it your way.  I mean, you are kinda cute.

BOBBY: I can't believe it, a date with Annie!

(BOBBY bursts into a musical comedy number)

BOBBY (CONT’D):
She said yes!  The girl said yes!
And now my heart's as full as the sea!
I wasn't sure if she knew I was alive,
But, now she said yes to me!

ANNIE: (Stunned) What...was that?

BOBBY: The Girl Said Yes from Foolin' Around. (Realizes) I'm sorry, it just popped out!

ANNIE: Do songs often just pop out?

BOBBY: When you said you'd go out with me, I couldn't stop myself.

ANNIE: Swell!  I finally find a nice guy and he's allergic to me!  Only, instead of rashes and hives, he breaks out in Rodgers and Hammerstein!  The date is off!

BOBBY: It is...?

ANNIE: I can't date someone prone to spontaneous musical combustion!

BOBBY: (Crestfallen) Okay.

(BOBBY starts out.  ANNIE sits and starts to read.  VICKI enters from the ladies room.  BOBBY bumps her)

VICKI: Hey!

BOBBY: I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking.  This girl dumped me...

VICKI: (Insincere) Gee, what a shame.  
 
BOBBY: ...just because I don't like Shakespeare.
VICKI: Maybe next time, you’ll... (Realizes) ...Shakespeare?

(VICKI glances at ANNIE.  VICKI is suddenly very coy)

VICKI (CONT’D): I can't imagine dumping you.  You're kinda cute.

BOBBY: (Innocent) Yes, I know.

VICKI: I like guys who don't like Shakespeare.

BOBBY: What a coincidence!  I don't like Shakespeare!

VICKI: Uh, so I've heard.  Maybe we could go out sometime.

BOBBY: You’d go out with me?

VICKI: Is it a date?

BOBBY: Uhhhh...no.

VICKI: What...?

BOBBY: I hope this other girl will change her mind.  We're perfect together!  She's the Laurey to my Curly, the Dolly to my Horace.  Why, she's the Hysterium to my Pseudolus!

VICKI: She's not right for you!

BOBBY: But, you don't know her.

VICKI: I know her type.  She only likes guys who meet her standards.  You want a woman who likes you the way you are.

(VICKI pulls BOBBY to her.  He is enamored.  ANNIE stands, then marches over and forces her way between them)

ANNIE: Spread out, toots!

VICKI: You can't just barge in and...

ANNIE: Keep your paws off Bobby!

VICKI: (Innocent) I don't know what you mean.

ANNIE: Bobby and I have to work together, so I won't have him sucked dry by Vicki the Broadway leech!

VICKI: Leech?!  I'll have you know...
(ANNIE and VICKI argue)

BOBBY: I never had two ladies fight over me!

ANNIE: You still don't, you only have one!

VICKI: Bobby, you're torn between us!  Who do you choose?!

BOBBY: I don't meet Annie’s standards, but Vicki likes me the way I am.  I guess it’s obvious.  Vicki, would you...

VICKI: I certainly would!

BOBBY: Oh, good, I thought you'd be upset.

VICKI: Why would I be upset?

BOBBY: If I picked Annie.

VICKI: You picked her?  Over me?!

BOBBY: I don't want to cause problems for Mr. Gilfooley.  He's got plenty since Miss Devanister died.

VICKI: At least pick a girl who likes you!

ANNIE: I never said I didn't like him!

VICKI: You have a funny way of showing it!

(VICKI and ANNIE argue again.  After a moment, VICKI freezes.  ANNIE and BOBBY notice)

BOBBY: Vicki, are you there?

VICKI: (Unfreezes) What did you just say?

BOBBY: Vicki, are you there?

VICKI: No, about Mr. Gilfooley.

BOBBY: He's got problems because...

ANNIE: (Interrupts) Bobby, you said enough!

VICKI: Let him talk!  What about Miss Devanister?

BOBBY: (Sad) She died.

VICKI: She died?
BOBBY: (Nods) She’s dead.

VICKI: (Smiles) She’s dead...

ANNIE: Uh, Bobby meant when Oscar died, something inside of Cecily died!  But, she'll carry on, she's a real trouper!

BOBBY: (Innocent) No, I saw her.  She's a dead trouper!

ANNIE: Bobby...!

VICKI: I just remembered I need to talk to Batesy.

(VICKI hurries out)

BOBBY: She sure left in a hurry.

ANNIE: She'll be back.

BOBBY: You don't like her, do you?

ANNIE: I've liked serial killers more.

BOBBY: How come?

ANNIE: None Of Your Beeswax.

BOBBY: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be nosy.

ANNIE: No, None Of Your Beeswax was my first show.  Until the producer saw his new girlfriend in my part.

BOBBY: You mean...?

ANNIE: (Nods) Vicki dragged the show to an early grave.

BOBBY: So, I should only date someone who’s talented?

ANNIE: That’s not a bad idea.  New York's full of talented girls, you'll find the right one.

BOBBY: I thought I did, but she won't go out with me.  Will she?  Someday...?

ANNIE: Bobby, you’re a nice guy, but when you burst into song, it drove me nuts!

(BOBBY starts out, crestfallen)

ANNIE (CONT’D): Wait!
BOBBY: Why?

ANNIE: Did you mean what you said?  About Curly and Laurey?  And Horace and Dolly?

BOBBY: And Pseudolus and Hysterium!

ANNIE: Well, we'll have to talk about that one.  But, did you mean it?

BOBBY: Sure!

ANNIE: All right, here.

(ANNIE hands the book to BOBBY)

ANNIE (CONT’D): When you spout Shakespeare instead of Sondheim, I'll go out with you!

BOBBY: Do you mean it?

ANNIE: Burst out in the Bard and I'm yours!

BOBBY: (Sings)
She said yes!  The girl said yes!
And now my heart's as full as the sea!
I wasn't sure if she knew I was alive,
But, now she said...

(ANNIE cringes.  BOBBY realizes and stops.  ANNIE opens the book, then points to a passage)

BOBBY (CONT’D): (Reads) O blessed, blessed night!  I am afeard, being in night, all this is but a dream, too flattering-sweet to be substantial.  

ANNIE: That's the ticket!  

(BOBBY thumbs through the book)

BOBBY: This is great!  I think I’ll start with West Side Story...

(ANNIE rolls her eyes and hangs her head)

END OF ACT ONE SCENE TWO

ACT ONE SCENE THREE -- Hank’s office; Melody’s kitchen; Outside the Kubelsky Theatre stage door in 1950; Hank’s office

(HANK is standing at a desk talking on the phone)
 
HANK: I’ll be here, CB!

JACK: (O.S.) Hank!  Hank!

HANK: Gotta go, a small crisis. (Beat) No, no one else is dead!

(HANK hangs up.  JACK bursts in)

JACK: I won’t work with Melody!

HANK: What if I call her anyway?

JACK: What about our friendship?

HANK: We can still be friends.  Afternoons except Wednesday and Saturday and all day Monday!

JACK: Thanks a lot!

HANK: You wouldn’t quit, would you?

JACK: Try me!

HANK: Then, you leave me no choice.  So long, Jack.

JACK: You’re forcing me out!

HANK: Oh, no, no, no, I don’t want you to leave.  I want you to co-star with Melody.

JACK: I won’t do it!

HANK: Then, I wish you’d go, I’m very busy.  I have to find a new leading man.

(JACK numbly starts out)

HANK (CONT’D): Say, I wonder if Ray Hutchison is available?

(JACK freezes.  HANK sits at the desk.  Jack turns back with fire in his eyes)
JACK: Ray Hutchison...?!  That moldy slice of incurable ham?!  He couldn’t do believable pantomime for a dead audience!

HANK: Did you say something?

JACK: You know damn well I did!

HANK: I take it you’re not leaving?

JACK: You bet your sweet Ascot Gavotte I’m not!

HANK: What if Melody says yes?

JACK: (Hesitates, then) Let her come!  I’ll act the pants off her!

HANK: (Leaps up) I knew the fire was still in you!

JACK: I’m not a quitter!

HANK: That’s the spirit!

JACK: Besides... (Softer) ...I don’t think she’ll come.

HANK: Why not?

JACK: She hasn’t faced me in thirty years.  She doesn’t have the guts.

(HANK picks up the phone and dials.  JACK puts his ear near the phone.  HANK looks at him, unsure)

JACK (CONT’D): I won’t say anything, I just want to hear her. (Covers) Uh, turn you down, that is.

(We hear a phone ring, then the sound of metal striking metal.  Melody’s kitchen appears.  There is an overall-clad worker under the sink banging the pipes with a wrench)

DEBORAH: (O.S.) I’m coming, I’m coming!

(DEBORAH sweeps in, wearing an expensive 50’s style outfit.  She answers the phone, shouting)

DEBORAH (CONT’D): Who is it?!

HANK: Melody?  I can barely hear you!
DEBORAH: Speak up, I can barely hear you!

HANK: How are you?!

DEBORAH: Hang on! (To the worker) Hey, knock it off, I’m on the phone!

(The banging stops)

DEBORAH (CONT’D): I don’t know how I stay sane around here! (Into the phone) You were saying?

HANK: I asked how you are.

DEBORAH: Oh, not too bad.

HANK: I want you to come work for me.

DEBORAH: My schedule’s pretty full.

HANK: I really need you!

DEBORAH: I guess I could fit you in.  But, I do get twenty bucks an hour.

HANK: What are you talking about, Melody?

DEBORAH: This ain’t Melody!

HANK: Who is this?

DEBORAH: Who is this?

HANK: Hank Gilfooley.

DEBORAH: Who the hell’s Hank Gilfooley?

(The worker sits up.  It is MELODY)

MELODY: Hank Gilfooley?

(MELODY stands and takes the phone, holding the wrench)

MELODY (CONT’D): Hank, is that you?

HANK: Melody?  Who was I talking to?

MELODY: Deborah, my cleaning lady.  She answers the phone when I‘m busy.  And she has a nasty habit of trying on my clothes! (To DEBORAH) Take that off before you ruin it!  I wore that the night I won my third Emmy!

(DEBORAH laughs and exits)

MELODY (CONT’D): It’s good to hear your voice, Hank.  What’s up?

HANK: Have you heard any news about the show?

MELODY: Just that Oscar and Cecily are returning.

HANK: I have some bad news.  Cecily is dead.

MELODY: Really?  And what’s the bad news?

HANK: Melody!

MELODY: Sorry, it could have been a good show.

HANK: It still can...if you play Roberta.

MELODY: Now, Hank...

HANK: Melody, please!  The drawing point is that two of the original stars are back.  With you on the bill, it’s sure to be a smash!

(JACK squirms)

HANK (CONT’D): I can hear it, Melody!  Broadway’s calling you!

MELODY: I would love to get back on the boards...

HANK: Then, you’ll do it?

MELODY: (Beat) I’ll do it!

(JACK is disappointed)

HANK: Hallelujah!  Melody Chichester returns to the Great White Way!  This’ll be the biggest thing to hit Broadway since the blackout!  

MELODY: There have been more important events.

HANK: Really?
MELODY: Well...maybe not.

(MELODY and HANK laugh)

MELODY (CONT’D): You know what I’m looking forward to?

HANK: What?

MELODY: Oscar O’Shea!  I can’t wait to see him again!

HANK: (Beat) Oh.

MELODY: What’s the matter?

HANK: There was some other bad news.

MELODY: You mean...?

HANK: I’m sorry, Melody.

MELODY: Oscar is gone.  Dear, sweet, lovable Oscar.  I still remember the time he... (Realizes) ...wait a minute!

HANK: What’s wrong?

MELODY: You are!  You told me the original stars would be reunited, but you already knew Oscar was kaput!  So, who is this phantom co-star?!

HANK: We want the show to be good, right?

MELODY: Tell me, Hank, or I’ll yank it out of you!

HANK: All right, all right! (Softer) It’s Jack.

MELODY: I thought so!

HANK: The show is falling apart, I’m desperate!

MELODY: You’d have to be to cast Mr. Trimble!  Count me out!

JACK: (Gleeful) I knew she didn’t have the guts!

(HANK glares at JACK.  JACK quiets)

MELODY: Who was that?

HANK: No one, Melody.  Are you sure...

MELODY: That was Jack!
(MELODY moves toward CS.  JACK grabs the phone and moves toward CS.  They almost meet, but are constrained by the phone cords)

JACK: (Sneering) Yes, Melody, that was Jack.

MELODY: Jack Trimble, what do you mean I don’t have the guts?!

JACK: You couldn’t face me thirty years ago and you can’t face me now!

MELODY: That’s not how I remember it, Mr. Sneaking-Around-Behind-My-Back!

JACK: I had to sneak around or I’d keep hearing how wonderful you were!

(HANK moves CS between MELODY and JACK)

HANK: All right, calm down!  Melody, I’m sorry things didn’t work out.

JACK: I’m not!

HANK: Shut up, Jack!

MELODY: Yeah, shut up, Jack, before I really get mad!

JACK: What a tough broad, I’m scared!

MELODY: You should be!  I’m holding a very large wrench!

JACK: (Taunts) Why don’t you come here and use it?

MELODY: (Beat) I think I will.  Hank, I’ve changed my mind.  I will do the show!

JACK: (Surprised) What...?!

HANK: Are you serious?

MELODY: Nothing could give me more pleasure than making Jack’s life miserable!

JACK: You did that thirty years ago!

MELODY: I’m going to be right there on that stage with you!  Unless, of course, you don’t have the guts!

JACK: Oh, I have the guts, sister!  The world will finally know who’s the better actor!

MELODY: But, won’t you be terribly embarrassed?

JACK: Why, you pompous windbag, I oughta...!

HANK: Melody, I’ll call you back with the details!

(The office fades out.  MELODY returns to the kitchen, then hangs up the phone and sets the wrench down)

MELODY: Deborah!

(DEBORAH enters) 

DEBORAH: What?!

MELODY: Pack my bags, I’m doing the revival!

DEBORAH: You are?

MELODY: Jack Trimble called me gutless!

DEBORAH: You’re gonna work with him again?

MELODY: I am completely over Mr. Trimble.

DEBORAH: Then, how do you explain this?

(DEBORAH opens a cupboard filled with Emmy’s, Golden Globes, a Tony and other awards.  She picks up a ringbox)

DEBORAH (CONT’D): It’s the ring he gave you, ain’t it?

MELODY: I don’t even know why I keep it.

DEBORAH: I’ll toss it out.

MELODY: Don’t you dare!

(MELODY grabs the ringbox from DEBORAH.  DEBORAH laughs)

DEBORAH: The Sweethearts of Broadway, back together again!

MELODY: Go on!

(DEBORAH laughs and exits.  MELODY looks at the ring)
MELODY (CONT’D): The Sweethearts of Broadway...

(We see the stage door outside the Kubelsky Theatre in 1950.  YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK embrace)

YOUNG JACK: This still feels like a dream.

YOUNG MELODY: A dream I’ve had for a long time!

YOUNG JACK: You and your I’m-gonna-be-a-star routine!

YOUNG MELODY: I am a star!  On Broadway!

YOUNG JACK: Lord Olivier, the Kubelsky Theatre holds a thousand people and we’ve done forty shows, so that’s only forty thousand people who know you’re a star.  There are still a few who’ve never heard of Melody Chichester.

YOUNG MELODY: They will!  Our television show’ll be seen by millions!

YOUNG JACK: The networks film new pilots all the time.  There’s no guarantee ours will make it.

YOUNG MELODY: Of course, it will!

YOUNG JACK: And why’s that?

YOUNG MELODY: Because...

YOUNG JACK: (Realizes) Because you’re in it, yes, I know.

YOUNG MELODY: They’ll forget all about Uncle Miltie once they get a load of The Melody Chichester Show!

YOUNG JACK: Hey!

YOUNG MELODY: I mean The Melody Chichester - Jack Trimble Show.

YOUNG JACK: Why not Jack Trimble - Melody Chichester?

YOUNG MELODY: It doesn’t really roll off your tongue, you know?

YOUNG JACK: Then, how about The Mr. and Mrs. Jack Trimble Show?

YOUNG MELODY: Now, that is... (Realizes) What did you say?

YOUNG JACK: We’re already the Sweethearts of Broadway, why not make it official?

(YOUNG JACK gets down on one knee) 

YOUNG JACK (CONT’D): Melody, will you marry me?

YOUNG MELODY: (Beat) Yes, Jack, I will.

YOUNG JACK: I almost forgot!

(YOUNG JACK produces a ringbox and opens it)

YOUNG MELODY: It’s beautiful!

(YOUNG JACK stands and puts the ring on her finger)

YOUNG JACK: Someday I’ll have you rolling in diamonds.

YOUNG MELODY: That sounds painful!

(They laugh, then kiss.  Two FANS enter and spot them)

FAN 1: There she is!  There’s Melody Chichester!

FAN 2: Miss Chichester, can we have your autograph?!

YOUNG MELODY: Why, certainly.

(YOUNG MELODY signs their Playbills)

FAN 1: I’ve seen your show four times!

FAN 2: I’ve seen it five times!

YOUNG MELODY: You must be a glutton for punishment!

FAN 2: When you’re on that stage, I never notice anyone else!

(YOUNG MELODY laughs and indicates YOUNG JACK)

YOUNG MELODY: I don’t know if my co-star will appreciate that!

FAN 2: Oh, uh, sorry, Mr. Bimble. (To YOUNG MELODY) Is it true you may have your own TV series?

YOUNG MELODY: It’s true!

FAN 2: If you’re in it, it’ll be swell!

FAN 1: I can’t wait to tell everyone I met Melody Chichester!  In person!

(The FANS run off.  YOUNG JACK glares after them, then)

YOUNG JACK: Thirty-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-three.

YOUNG MELODY: What?

YOUNG JACK: I was wrong.  Between them, they took up seven extra seats, so there are only thirty-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-three people who know you’re a star!

YOUNG MELODY: Don’t you like to be recognized?

YOUNG JACK: No one’s recognized me!  They’re running home to tell everyone how they met the great Melody Chichester and some schnook named Jack Bimble!

YOUNG MELODY: (Laughs) Once our show hits the air, they’ll know both our names.  I can see it now!  The makers of Foamo Soap present The Foamo Soap Show, starring those Sweethearts of Broadway, Melody Chichester and Jack Bimble!

YOUNG JACK: What...?!

YOUNG MELODY: I’m sorry, it’s Bob Bimble, right?

YOUNG JACK: Why, you...

YOUNG MELODY: Joe Bimble?

YOUNG JACK: I know how to make you remember my name!

(YOUNG JACK pulls YOUNG MELODY to him and they kiss.  YOUNG BETTY LOU enters through the stage door)

YOUNG BETTY LOU: I wouldn’t mind a bit of that myself!

YOUNG JACK: (Surprised) Oh, hi, Betty Lou!

YOUNG BETTY LOU: What a relief!  I heard you two were joined at the lips.

(YOUNG MELODY displays the ring)

YOUNG MELODY: Jack’s wandering days are over.
YOUNG JACK: They are?

(YOUNG MELODY gives him a look)

YOUNG JACK (CONT’D): Sorry, reflex action. (To YOUNG BETTY LOU) They are.  Hey, we’ve got dinner plans, we’d better get moving!  So long, Betty Lou!

(YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK exit.  YOUNG BETTY LOU watches, then starts out)

MELODY: Hold it right there!

(YOUNG BETTY LOU freezes.  MELODY addresses us)

MELODY (CONT’D): That is Miss Betty Lou Quigley from Savannah, Georgia.  A real Southern belle.  Everyone liked her. (Beat) Especially Jack. (To YOUNG BETTY LOU) Okay, you can go.

(YOUNG BETTY LOU exits)

MELODY (CONT’D): Jack really liked the ladies, I knew that going into it.  I figured that, once we were married, his roving feet would be content in the warmth and safety of my bosom. (Beat) Wait, that didn’t come out right.  Well, suffice it to say, my bosom still doesn’t have any footprints on it.  Whatever else I say about Jack, there was an excitement I haven’t known since.  So, now you’re wondering why I didn’t want to see him again.  I’d tell you, but I don’t want to spoil it for you.  Besides, I have to get ready.  I start rehearsals tomorrow, you know.

(MELODY closes the ringbox, then starts out.  She looks off)

MELODY (CONT’D): Deborah, no!  That’s the dress I wore to the Tony’s!

(MELODY hurries out.  The kitchen fades out and we see Hank’s office.  HANK is at the desk, working.  JACK is slumped in a chair.  He shoots a rubber band at HANK)

HANK: Ow!  Stop that!

(JACK shoots again)

HANK (CONT’D): Cut that out!

JACK: Sic semper tyrannis!

(JACK shoots again)

HANK: Ow!  Jack, you be a good boy or I’ll...

JACK: What, let Melody play my part, too?!

(JACK shoots again.  HANK leaps up)

HANK: That does it!  Out!

JACK: Aw, let me stay, I’ll be good.

HANK: (Smiles) That’s why you’re in this funk.  If you hadn’t opened your big mouth, Melody would have turned me down!  Ironic, ain’t it?

JACK: Aawww, go stuff an andiron...

(The door opens and CB enters.  HANK rushes over and shuts the door behind him)

HANK: Great news, CB, we got Melody!

CB: Oh, what a shame.

HANK: But, she said yes.  Like you wanted.

CB: Like I did want.

HANK: (Surprised) What...?

CB: I promised the part to someone else.

HANK: To who? (Realizes) Oh, no!  Don’t tell me!

(CB opens the door.  VICKI enters)

VICKI: Break out your telescopes, boys, there’s a new star in the heavens!

(JACK leaps up and stammers)

HANK: Oh, sit down!

JACK: But, we haven’t been introduced.

(JACK takes VICKI’s hand and kisses it)

HANK: You are kissing the hand that will wipe Broadway off the map.  Jack Trimble...Vicki Frobisher.

JACK: Your name sounds familiar.

HANK: It should...

VICKI: Before Mr. Gilfooley totally discredits me, I might as well tell you.  I am occasionally referred to as Showstopper Vicki.

(JACK almost chokes on VICKI’s hand)

JACK: Showstopper Vicki...?

CB: What do you say, Hank?

HANK: No offense to Miss Showstopper, but...are you crazy?!

CB: She really wants the part!

HANK: Really wanting the part is good, but you also have to have some talent!  And, as three or four flops can testify, she doesn’t!  It won’t work!  Tell him, Jack!

JACK: It won’t work...

HANK: (To CB) You see?

JACK: ...to have two actresses in the lead.

HANK: (Surprised) What...?

JACK: I say we dump Melody.

HANK: Have you lost your mind?!

CB: That’s three out of four, Vicki gets the part!

VICKI: Hooray!

JACK: Hooray!

(HANK sinks onto a chair)

HANK: I must be getting senile!

CB: C’mon, Vicki, we need to celebrate!

(CB and VICKI exit)
HANK: I suppose you want to gloat?

JACK: No, I want to assure you that, even without Melody to spur me on, I’ll try to make myself noticeable on stage.

HANK: Very funny.  Get out.

(JACK laughs and starts out, then stops) 

JACK: Oh, aren’t you forgetting something?

HANK: (Irritated) What?

JACK: Melody?

HANK: (Remembers, groans) Melody.

JACK: I’ll be glad to call her for you.

HANK: Get out, just get out!

(HANK leaps up.  JACK laughs and exits.  HANKS glumly crosses to the desk and picks up the phone.  JACK enters, very contrite)

JACK: I’m sorry, Hank, you were right.

HANK: About what?

JACK: I did want to gloat!

(JACK grins.  HANK reacts.  JACK quickly exits and pulls the door shut.  HANK turns back and dials.  He loads a rubber band onto a finger and aims it at his head)

HANK: Melody?  I have some more bad news...

END OF ACT ONE SCENE THREE
ACT ONE SCENE FOUR -- Backstage at a theatre on the pre-Broadway tour

(The final scene from Vaguely Flourishing is being performed and we see it from behind.  HANK is watching from “backstage.” It is dimly lit “onstage” as ANNIE and BOBBY “enter”)

BOBBY: (As BAXTER) “The coast is clear.  Come in.”

ANNIE: (As JANE) “I heard a noise!”

BOBBY: “You’re just being a silly-willy.”

(They kiss.  The lights snap on and VICKI appears, wearing a robe.  Her acting is terrible)

VICKI: (As ROBERTA) “I knew I was right!  There is something going on!”

BOBBY: “Now, Mother...“ 

VICKI: “Baxter, this is the last time you’re going to lie to me.  I want that girl out of our house right now!”

BOBBY: “Jane has every right to be here.  She’s my wife.”

VICKI: “What...?”

ANNIE: “Baxter and I were married this afternoon.”

(VICKI sinks onto a chair and sobs, over-emoting)

BOBBY: “Mother, please...”

VICKI: “I will never accept this marriage!”

BOBBY: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I love Jane.”

JACK: (O.S., as CHARLIE) “Roberta, where are you?”

(JACK enters, wearing a robe)

ANNIE: “Dad...?”

JACK: “Jane...?”

BOBBY: “What’s going on?”

VICKI: “I might as well tell you.  Charlie and I were also married this afternoon!”

BOBBY: “You were...?”

ANNIE: “Dad?”

JACK: “We’ve been secretly in love for years.”

BOBBY: “This changes everything.  Don’t you think it’s time you made peace with Jane?”

VICKI: (Stands) “You’re right, Baxter.  Jane, I’m sorry for all the awful things I’ve said.  Can we be friends?”

ANNIE: “Of course.  After all, we’re a family now.”

VICKI: “Yes, we are a family now.  Charlie and I are married and Baxter is home again.  I’ve gained a daughter and we’re happy at last.  It can truly be said we are no longer vaguely flourishing.”

(The “main curtain” falls to weak APPLAUSE.  HANK sinks onto a box in shock.  ANNIE and BOBBY exit into the wings.  JACK and VICKI “exit” to “backstage.”  JACK looks numb)

VICKI (CONT’D): That was my best show yet!  They love me!

(VICKI exits.  HANK stares after her.  JACK sees him)

JACK: Hank, what’s wrong?

HANK: What’s wrong?  What’s wrong is I answered the phone when CB Lawrence asked me to direct this lousy show!

JACK: The show’s fine.  Didn’t you hear them laughing?

HANK: They were laughing at Vicki!

JACK: She’ll get better.

HANK: When, Jack?  When will she get better?  We’ve been touring for two months and she shows no sign of improvement!  We open on Broadway in a little over two weeks and, unless a miracle occurs, we also close on Broadway in a little over two weeks!

JACK: Don’t panic!  She‘s not a complete idiot, you know.

HANK: I can’t believe you’d sacrifice the show just to spite Melody!

JACK: I’d rather... (Beat) ...dance naked at the Vatican than work with La Chichester again!

HANK: Once Vicki hits New York, we won’t have to worry about working with anybody again!

(VICKI enters, partly changed)

VICKI: Jack, you know in act one where I talk about the dress dummy?

JACK: What about it?

VICKI: Your business with the cigar boxes upstages me.

JACK: (Wary) And you want me to tone it down?

VICKI: No!  

JACK: (Relieved) Oh, that’s good.

VICKI: I want you to drop it.  It distracts the audience.

JACK: The cigar box shtick is the funniest bit in the scene!  It’s a classic!  Tell her, Hank!

HANK: I don’t know, it seems overblown to me.

JACK: What...?

HANK: I agree with Vicki.  She’s not a complete idiot, you know.

JACK: Oh, I see. (Through clenched teeth) All right, I’ll lose the cigar boxes.

VICKI: Anything to keep the star happy!

(VICKI giggles and exits.  JACK stares after her, then drops his pants)

HANK: What are you doing?!

JACK: Call the Vatican!  Tell ‘em I’ll be there for the second show!

HANK: Does this mean...?
JACK: (Forces it out) Get Melody!  If I’m gonna be castrated by a co-star, at least let it be one who knows which end of the scalpel to use!

(JACK and HANK exit.  ANNIE and BOBBY enter, in street clothes.  BOBBY carries the Shakespeare book)

ANNIE: How’s it going?

BOBBY: Not very good.

ANNIE: It can’t be that bad.

BOBBY: Oh, yeah? (Haltingly) Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your... (Confused) ...lend me... (Segues into a sad ballad)
Lend me your laughter for I know mine is gone
Let me feel witty again
Once I knew laughter as close as a friend
We danced and were merry in...

ANNIE: Bobby, stop!

BOBBY: (Realizes) You see?

(VICKI enters, in street clothes)

VICKI: Hi, Bobby!  I haven’t seen much of you.

(BOBBY holds up the book)

BOBBY: I’ve been studying.

VICKI: Forget Shakespeare and go out with me.  Why settle for pistachio nuts when you can have caviar?

ANNIE: My guess is he prefers red fingers to smelling like fish.

BOBBY: I’ve never tried caviar.

VICKI: Now’s your chance, if you want me.

BOBBY: (Tempted) Uh, not right now.

(CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Let’s go, people, we’re closing up.

(ANNIE starts out, but BOBBY hesitates)
ANNIE: Bobby ?

BOBBY: (Hesitant) Oh, I’ll see you later, Vicki.

VICKI: I’ll be waiting.

(ANNIE and BOBBY exit SL.  VICKI smirks, then exits SR.  CUBBY sighs and hangs his head)

END OF ACT ONE SCENE FOUR

ACT ONE SCENE FIVE -- The wings of the theatre, early the next morning

(Several scenery flats are clumped together US.  The ENSEMBLE is milling about)

GIRL 1: I’d like to know why we’re here.  It’s only two weeks until we get to Broadway.

BOY 1: Why all the secrecy?

BOY 2: I’ve heard some scary rumors.

GIRL 1: Like what?

BOY 2: Like the Opening’s been cancelled.

(The ENSEMBLE reacts.  HANK and CUBBY enter)

HANK: I know you’re wondering why we’re here.  In its present condition, Vaguely Flourishing isn’t fit to open on Broadway.  Due to certain unavoidable obstacles...

GIRL 1: Showstopper Vicki!

HANK: ...I’ve made a huge decision.

BOY 2: When do we close?

HANK: No, we’re not closing, I’m replacing Miss Frobisher.  We are about to be joined by Melody Chichester!

(The ENSEMBLE reacts excitedly.  ANNIE and BOBBY enter.  ANNIE has a trade paper)

BOBBY: (Awed) Melody Chichester is coming here?

HANK: She’ll take over during previews.  Okay, we’ll start when she gets here.

(HANK and CUBBY exit.  The ENSEMBLE mills around US.  ANNIE sits and starts to read.  BOBBY goes to her)

BOBBY: How can you read at a time like this?

ANNIE: A time like what?

BOBBY: The Queen of TV Comedy is about to walk onto this stage!  What’ll I say?!  Good morning, Miss Chichester, it’s a pleasure to meet you.  Yes, that’s good.  No, she’s a queen! (Beat) Greetings, Your Majesty!

(BOBBY genuflects)

ANNIE: She’s not coming to knight you.

(BOBBY gets up)

BOBBY: Melody Chichester is my favorite star!  And I get to work with her!

ANNIE: Trust me, she puts her pants on one leg at a time.

BOBBY: No, she doesn’t.

ANNIE: Huh...?

BOBBY: In one episode of Oh, That Melody, she has to put her pants on two legs at a time to win a bet.

(The ENSEMBLE is listening and moves in closer)

GIRL 1: (Laughs) I love how she says “You can’t win ‘em all” at the end of every show!

ANNIE: You remember a TV show that was on thirty years ago?

BOBBY: Reruns of Oh, That Melody are on all the time!

ANNIE: And you all watch it?

BOY 1: Sure!  The best one was when Melody worked at the candy company!

GIRL 2: No, no, remember when she went to Italy and almost drowned stomping grapes?

BOY 2: Don’t forget the time she got drunk doing the TV commercial!  That was a riot!

(All except ANNIE laugh and agree.  MELODY enters from behind, unseen)

MELODY: How about the one where she pretended to be a waiter in a French restaurant?  That was my absolute favorite!

BOBBY: They were all funny, how can you have an absolute favorite?

(MELODY emerges through the crowd) 

MELODY: That’s the one that bagged me my first Emmy.

(The ENSEMBLE reacts excitedly.  ANNIE stands)

GIRL 1: Look, it’s her!  It’s Melody Chichester!

MELODY: Hello, everyone!

(HANK and CUBBY enter.  MELODY and HANK hug)

HANK: Melody!

MELODY: Hank!  You haven’t aged in thirty years!

HANK: (Laughs) I’ve enabled four plastic surgeons to send their kids to school with enough left over to support them when they dropped out!

MELODY: (Laughs) You haven’t changed. (Beat) At least, on the outside. (Surprised) Cubby...?  You look exactly the same!

CUBBY: Oh, I’m not Cubby.

MELODY: (Surprised) You’re not?

CUBBY: I mean, I am, but not the Cubby you remember.  My father, Cubby Senior, stage managed the original show.

HANK: Melody, meet Cubby Junior!

MELODY: The resemblance is incredible!

HANK: And these are your co-stars, Bobby Gunn and Annie Carothers.

BOBBY: (Barely restrained) Good morning, Miss Chichester, it’s a pleasure to meet you.

(MELODY and BOBBY shake hands)

MELODY: You, too, Bobby.  

(MELODY offers her hand to ANNIE)

MELODY (CONT’D): Annie?

(ANNIE hesitates, then genuflects) 

ANNIE: Greetings, Your Majesty!

BOBBY: Annie!

MELODY: (Laughs) You don’t have to address me as Your Majesty unless I’m actually wearing the crown.

ANNIE: (Gets up) I don’t know what got into me!

MELODY: Now, I know why you’re the next big comedy star on the Broadway horizon.

(ANNIE freezes)

MELODY (CONT’D): Annie...?  Are you all right?

(ANNIE slowly turns toward MELODY)

BOBBY: Now, Annie...

(ANNIE softens unexpectedly) 

ANNIE: Aw, who cares!  It’s Melody Chichester!

(There is relieved laughter from everyone)

HANK: What do you say we get started?

MELODY: Wait, Hank.

HANK: What’s the matter?

MELODY: Don’t try to buffalo me.  Where’s Jack?

HANK: I didn’t tell him when you were arriving.  I thought it safer to reunite you in private.

MELODY: Good idea.  With his temper, things could get out of hand.

JACK: (O.S.) All right, where is she?!

(JACK enters through the crowd.  HANK tries stop him)

HANK: There’s no one here but...

(JACK sees MELODY and stops.  Neither is smiling.  JACK slowly crosses to her)

MELODY: (Stiff) Hello, Jack.

(JACK pauses, then grins)

JACK: Hello, Lord Olivier, nice to see you again.

(The crowd reacts in relief.  MELODY suddenly slugs JACK on the chin.  He crumples)

HANK: Melody!

(JACK holds his chin) 

JACK: What was that for?!

MELODY: You are a chiseling, two-timing bum!

(HANK helps JACK up) 

HANK: What’s gotten into you two?!

JACK: She’s nuts!

MELODY: At least I’m not totally insensitive!

JACK: I’ve got a busted jaw and I’m insensitive?!

MELODY: You deserved it!

JACK: All I did was say hello!

MELODY: Hello?!  Is that what you call it, hello?!

(MELODY socks JACK and he crumples.  HANK steps between them.  CUBBY helps JACK up)

HANK: Everyone go home!  We’ll pick this up later!  If we have any cast left!

CUBBY: Tonight’s call is for six o’clock!

(ANNIE, BOBBY, CUBBY and the ENSEMBLE exit)

HANK: What is going on?!

MELODY: I never thought he would sink so low!

JACK: All I said was “Hello, Lord Olivier, nice to see...”  (Realizes) Ahhh, it’s all coming back.

HANK: Would someone tell me what in the blazes is going on?!

JACK: It was when Melody and I were about to leave for Hollywood.

MELODY: I’m surprised you can remember!

JACK: I’m sure you’ll fill in any details I miss!  We’d just finished a matinee...

(Several GIRLS from the original production appear.  Two BOYS enter.  YOUNG MELODY enters)

BOY 1: You must be thrilled, Melody!

BOY 2: What are they gonna call it?

YOUNG MELODY: Are you ready?  Oh, That Melody!

BOY 1: They’re naming it after you?  Wow!

BOY 2: Remember me when you’re rich and famous!

(The BOYS exit.  GIRL 1 addresses YOUNG MELODY)

GIRL 1: All you talk about is your big television show.  You hardly mention Jack.

YOUNG MELODY: (Annoyed) He’s gonna co-star.  The network didn’t want him, but I insisted.

GIRL 1: (Sarcastic) That changes everything!

YOUNG MELODY: I wouldn’t do it without him, we’re too much in love.

(YOUNG MELODY starts out.  GIRL 1 calls after her)

GIRL 1: Well...one of you is.

(YOUNG MELODY turns back) 

YOUNG MELODY: What’s that supposed to mean?

GIRL 1: Oh...nothing.

(The GIRLS laugh and exit.  YOUNG MELODY hears laughter.  She pushes the flats aside.  YOUNG JACK and YOUNG BETTY LOU are revealed in a drunkenly passionate embrace.  MELODY is stunned)

YOUNG MELODY: Jack!

(YOUNG JACK stands shakily and tries to appear innocent)

YOUNG JACK: Hello, Lord Olivier, nice to see you again.

(YOUNG MELODY slugs YOUNG JACK.  He crumples.  YOUNG MELODY runs off.  YOUNG JACK rubs his jaw.  This scene fades and we see JACK rubbing his jaw)

JACK: You haven’t lost a thing in thirty years.

HANK: That’s all in the past!  It’s time we turn this show into the success it’s meant to be, right?

(CB enters) 

CB: Gilfooley!  I need to speak to you!

HANK: Oh, look, it’s Mr. Lawrence. (Pointedly) The producer!

MELODY: Gotcha.

CB: Who is this lovely lady?  She looks familiar.

HANK: Uh, that’s because...

JACK: Because you’ve seen her picture in Hanks’ office.  This is Hank’s wife!

CB: And what is this charming creature’s name?

JACK: Mel— (Catches himself) –vin.  Etta.  Her name is, uh, Melvinetta.

CB: I’ve never heard that name before.

(MELODY glares at JACK) 

MELODY: Neither have I.

CB: What?

MELODY: (Covers) Uh, it’s a tradition.  The children are named by the family’s biggest idiot!

HANK: (Intervenes) CB, you want to talk to me?

CB: I can wait until you finish your family business.

HANK: Oh, we’re done!  Why don’t we go out in the lobby?

(CB exits)

HANK (CONT’D): I hope I can leave without you tearing each other apart!

(HANK exits.  There is an awkward silence, then)

MELODY: (Stiff) So...how’ve you been?

JACK: Not as successful as you, but you knew that would happen, didn’t you?

MELODY: That was thirty years ago, I was a foolish kid.

JACK: Shrewd is more like it.  You parlayed your talent into a sitcom that went through the roof!

MELODY: I had a little success.

JACK: I could kill for such little success!

MELODY: Stop it before someone says something you’ll regret!

JACK: I did that years ago!  I said “Melody, will you marry me?” I regret I wasted energy getting down on one knee!  I should have said, “Melody, will you publicly humiliate me, then make me stand by while your show, which should have been ours, makes television history for twelve years?!” That’s what I should have said!

MELODY: May I remind you the humiliation wasn’t all yours?!  I went to bed as one of the Sweethearts of Broadway, then woke up to discover the title wasn’t limited to two!  No, you brought a spare!  When I caught you with Miss Betty Lou Quick-To-Love, I thought the world had collapsed!  Everything I worked for was gone!

JACK: Hah, see?!  Everything you worked for!  You were always more important to you than we were!  Well, you finally got what you wanted!

MELODY: Not quite!  For a long time, I wanted to rub your nose in it!

JACK: What took you so long?!

MELODY: I... (Softer) ...I changed my mind.

JACK: And why was that?

MELODY: Because I finally realized why I kept thinking about you.

JACK: Jealous of my success?

MELODY: Forget it, Jack, just forget it!  Forget me!

JACK: For thirty years, I tried to forget you, but I can’t turn the TV on without being re-runned to death by you!

MELODY: I'm sorry I came back.  I'll leave before anyone gets hurt.

JACK: You’re not going anywhere until I tell you what I’ve wanted to tell you for thirty years!

MELODY: Such as?

JACK: (Off-guard) Such as...you wasted your talent doing television!

MELODY: (Sarcastic) Well, that was devastating.

JACK: It gets worse!

MELODY: Oh, I hope not, I’m still reeling from the last blow.

JACK: All right, you asked for it! (Beat) You’re smug!

MELODY: (Beat) Smug?

JACK: Yes!

MELODY: I'm not clear, was that an insult?

JACK: You see what I mean?  Smug!

MELODY: You had thirty years and the best you could come up with is I’m smug?!

JACK: (Sheepish) Well, it sounds worse late at night when you can’t sleep.

MELODY: You couldn’t sleep?

JACK: I couldn’t get you out of my mind!  I wanted one more chance to tell you everything I didn’t get to tell you when you dashed off to Hollywood without me!

MELODY: What, that I was selfish and uncaring and had loused up your life?!

JACK: You bet!  But, there was more.

MELODY: I’ve heard enough!  I'm leaving!

JACK: Hang on, we’re almost done!  More than anything else, I wanted to tell you that...

MELODY: I am not going to stick around and...

JACK: (Shouts) ...that I love you!

MELODY: I don’t care what you say... (Realizes) What’d you say?

JACK: (Softer) You heard me.  For thirty years, I thought of every rotten thing I'd say if I saw you again.  But, when I did, it was 1950 again and I was seeing you for the first time.  Twenty-two year old Melody Chichester making her Broadway debut. (Beat) Of course, two seconds later, I was flat on the floor with a busted jaw!

MELODY: Oh, Jack, I'm sorry.

JACK: And I finally realized why I never settled down.  I was waiting for you to come back.

MELODY: I-I don’t know what to say.

JACK: Don’t say anything...unless you feel the same way.

MELODY: Are you sure you’re all right?  Maybe I hit you too hard.  We could call a doctor.

(JACK pulls her to him and kisses her)

MELODY (CONT’D): (Dreamy) Or...we could call a justice of the peace.

(They embrace.  CB enters and sees them)

CB: Don’t come in, Hank!  It’s for your own good!

(HANK enters)

HANK: Is there much blood...?!

(HANK sees MELODY and JACK and his jaw drops)

CB: Oh, too late!

HANK: I never expected anything like this!

CB: Control yourself!

HANK: This makes my day perfect!

CB: Don’t do anything rash!

HANK: Excuse me, you two.

(HANK goes to MELODY and JACK.  CB follows.  MELODY and JACK break apart)

MELODY: Oh!  We didn’t hear you.

CB: I guess you didn’t!

HANK: What is going on here?

JACK: One thing led to another.

HANK: Well, do I have news for you!

CB: Stay calm, Hank, don’t hit him!

HANK: CB is lonely and wants to replace Vicki!

MELODY: This is fabulous!

JACK: I can hardly believe it!

(MELODY and JACK embrace again.  CB is aghast)

CB: Are you going to let them carry on like that?!

HANK: I can’t believe they’re even talking!

CB: But, look at them!
HANK: They’re just happy because now she can play the lead.

CB: Your wife is going to play the lead?

HANK: (Laughs) No, CB, she’s...

CB: Don’t bother!  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s don’t try to understand show folk!

(CB exits)

JACK: This is great news!

MELODY: It’s incredible!

HANK: No, incredible is what I'm seeing!  Were you kissing or was I witnessing some mutual jugular biting?

MELODY: That’s how it started, but this seemed to be the natural progression.

JACK: It’s like it’s 1950 again!

HANK: Remember what happened then!  And we still have to get ready for the opening.

MELODY: At least we won’t have to sneak around.

HANK: You’d better keep a low profile.  There are bound to be fireworks when CB tells Vicki.

MELODY: The show will be a hit!  I guarantee it!

JACK: Yes, I know!  Because you’re in it!

MELODY: Because we’re in it.  You and me and Hank the Merciless!

HANK: Hey, I’ve mellowed! (Beat) I'm only Hank the Monotonous now.

MELODY: (Laughs) That’ll be the day!

HANK: Is that any way to talk to your husband?

JACK: (To MELODY) I hope CB isn’t mad when he realizes who you are.

MELODY: If this Vicki is all you say, after tonight, he won’t remember what happened the rest of today!
END OF ACT ONE SCENE FIVE
ACT ONE SCENE SIX -- Backstage at the Kubelsky Theatre on Broadway

(We hear mild APPLAUSE and see the revival cast, including VICKI, in the final pose of “Act One.”  The “main curtain” descends US.  CUBBY enters “backstage”)

CUBBY: Curtain’s down, work lights!  Intermission!

(JACK, VICKI, CUBBY and the ENSEMBLE exit into the wings.  ANNIE and BOBBY “exit” to “backstage”)

BOBBY: Opening night’s in two days.  I don’t want to go to the party alone.

ANNIE: You know the deal.  No Shakespeare, no date.

BOBBY: I can’t do it!

ANNIE: You can if you want to.  Try again.

BOBBY: This is embarrassing. (Haltingly) To be, or not to be, that is the question.  Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind... (Confused) ...in the mind...mind... (Segues into a bouncy show tune)
Mind what you say ‘cause you don’t know who’s listening
Remember, even corn has ears
A bubble made of soap may be gleaming and glistening
But touch it and it disappears
A friend with a dollar may not offer you much...

ANNIE: (Cringes) Bobby!  Bobby!

BOBBY: (Realizes) There, see?

ANNIE: Maybe next time.

BOBBY: Maybe there won’t be a next time.  Maybe I’ll ask Vicki!

ANNIE: She’s using you!

BOBBY: She is?  Why?

ANNIE: To get at me.  I was trying to protect you.

(VICKI enters, unnoticed, in a different costume)

BOBBY: So...you do like me?

ANNIE: Of course, I like you.

BOBBY: And you’ll go to the party with me?

ANNIE: Now, Bobby...

(VICKI comes forward) 

VICKI: Bobby, you don’t want a girl with standards, you want me!

ANNIE: I can’t argue with that.

VICKI: C’mon, gimme a try.

BOBBY: All right, I will!

VICKI: I'll be ready right after the show.

BOBBY: (Surprised) You mean...tonight?

VICKI: I want to spend every moment I can with you.

BOBBY: But, what about Mr. Lawrence?

VICKI: Forget him, he’s not your type.

(CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Miss Frobisher, you’re in the wrong costume!

VICKI: (Annoyed) Oh, all right.  I'll see you tonight, Bobby.  Annie dear, don’t be too upset, you still have Shakespeare.  That is, if you don’t mind cuddling with a dead guy!

ANNIE: I wouldn’t know, I haven’t had all your experience.

(VICKI exits in a huff.  CUBBY follows her.  There is an awkward pause)

ANNIE (CONT’D): I guess that’s it.

BOBBY: I guess so.

ANNIE: I'm sorry it didn’t work out.

BOBBY: Maybe I'll see you around sometime.

ANNIE: Uh, how about on stage in, say, five minutes?
BOBBY: (Sheepish) Oh...right.

(ANNIE and BOBBY exit separately.  HANK and JACK enter)

JACK: I'm telling you, Vicki doesn’t know about Melody!

HANK: CB must have told her by now!

(CB enters) 

CB: Gilfooley, if you’re planning to replace Vicki, don’t you think you ought to tell her?!

HANK: You want me to tell her?

CB: You’re the director!

HANK: And you’re the producer, not to mention her meal ticket!

CB: I'm not telling her, I want her to like me!

HANK: Well, somebody has to!

(HANK and CB notice JACK)

JACK: Oh, no, I'm only the humble actor.

(JACK exits)

CB: You have to tell her!

HANK: All right, but you have to stand by and offer moral support!

(CUBBY enters) 

CUBBY: Act two, two minutes! (To HANK and CB) You have to move offstage, act two is about to start.

HANK: We need to talk to Vicki.  We’ll be gone before the curtain goes up.

CUBBY: (Reluctant) Well, all right.  

(CUBBY exits.  VICKI enters and HANK crosses to her.  CB tries to sneak out)

HANK: Vicki, could we speak to you?

(VICKI doesn’t notice CB) 

VICKI: We...?

HANK: Yes, me and...

(HANK crosses to CB and drags him back)

HANK (CONT’D): ...me and CB.

VICKI: Well, hurry, I need to stretch.  It helps me give a better performance.

HANK: (Surprised) It does? (Covers) Uh, I mean, no, this won’t take long.

(VICKI begins stretching)

HANK (CONT’D): Vicki, the show needs to be in shape for the opening, so...we need to make a small cast change.

(VICKI stops abruptly)

VICKI: I knew this would happen!

HANK: (Surprised) You did?

VICKI: Jack’s been slipping.  I'm glad I don’t have to tell him!  If it were me, I'd probably punch you right in the mouth!

(HANK and CB look at each other, then each takes a step back.  CUBBY enters.  VICKI resumes stretching)

CUBBY: Places for act two!  Mr. Gilfooley, Mr. Lawrence, you have to leave!  The curtain’s going up!

HANK: Just one more moment, Cubby, I promise.

(CUBBY rolls his eyes and exits, muttering)

VICKI: So, you were saying?

HANK: Vicki, I have some bad news...
(We see the following in pantomime.  The ENSEMBLE filters in.  As HANK speaks, VICKI’s expression changes from disinterest to disbelief to fury.  She attacks HANK and CB. ENSEMBLE members scatter to get out of harm’s way.  CUBBY runs in and tries to calm VICKI.  The “main curtain” starts to rise and the “stage lights” begin to fade up.  CUBBY panics and forces HANK and CB “offstage”, then carries VICKI “offstage” while she tries to strangle him.  There is a BLACKOUT, then a DRUM ROLL)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Kubelsky Theatre wishes to announce that the role of Roberta will no longer be played by Miss Frobisher.  We aew pleased to welcome back, after a thirty year absence... (Bigger DRUM ROLL) ...Miss Melody Chichester!

(We see MELODY, dressed in a robe, “onstage”, facing US, doing the final speech of the show)

MELODY: “Yes...we are a family now.  Charlie and I are married and Baxter is home again.  I’ve gained a daughter and we’re happy at last.  It can truly be said we are no longer...vaguely flourishing.”

(MELODY takes her bows and the “audience” goes wild.  We hear tumultuous APPLAUSE as the scene fades to black)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO SCENE ONE -- Broadway, in front of the Kubelsky Theatre

(The marquee announces “Opening Night VAGUELY FLOURISHING.” There are box office windows on each side, but the shades are drawn.  HANK, YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK enter from the theatre and cross DR)

YOUNG MELODY: Can you believe it?  Opening night!

HANK: We’d better hurry if we want to see the rush!

YOUNG JACK: If advance notices are right, we’re in for a stampede!

HANK: Thar she blows!

(The shades in the box offices fly up.  HANK, YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK barely get out of the way as TICKET BUYERS rush in, causing a frenzy.  SOLD OUT signs go up in the box offices.  The TICKET BUYERS exit)

HANK (CONT’D): Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?

YOUNG JACK: Actually...yes.

(YOUNG JACK nuzzles YOUNG MELODY)

YOUNG MELODY: Oh, Jack.

HANK: Oh, yeccch!  For two people who are always fighting, you get along awfully well.

YOUNG JACK: Anyone can fight, but making up is an art.

YOUNG MELODY: We’ll probably stop arguing altogether...in thirty years!

(YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK laugh.  MELODY and JACK burst from the theatre, arguing.  They cross DL.  The box office shades close)

MELODY: Don’t be such a bonehead, Jack!

JACK: You won’t listen to reason!

MELODY: Only a jackass would live in Manhattan!

JACK: Hee-haw, hee-haw!  No one in his right mind commutes if he doesn’t have to!

MELODY: I'd rather face a little traffic on the way to work than listen to it all night long!

JACK: That’s the lullaby of Broadway!

MELODY: More like a funeral dirge!

YOUNG MELODY: It’ll be perfectly idyllic.

(YOUNG MELODY and YOUNG JACK kiss.  HANK crosses to MELODY and JACK)

HANK: Will you two stop fighting?  The box office is about to open.  Remember what happened thirty years ago?

MELODY: Like it just happened!

(MELODY, JACK and HANK move farther SL)

HANK: Thar she blows!

(The box office shades fly up.  Beat, then)

HANK (CONT’D): Is it my aging memory or is it a little less frantic than last time?

JACK: I wonder what’s wrong?

MELODY: They’ll be here.

(A COUPLE enters and approaches the SR box office)

MELODY (CONT’D): Look!

JACK: It’s not exactly a feeding frenzy.

HUSBAND: Could you tell me where the Automat is?  I thought it was around here.

(The WIFE points off)

WIFE: There it is, Artie!  Bring the nickels!

(The HUSBAND and WIFE run off)

HANK: (Puzzled) What happened?

JACK: Maybe no one wants to see the classics revived.

MELODY: Lots of revivals are huge hits.  And none of them starred Melody Chichester!

JACK: There she goes again!

MELODY: I promised myself this show would be a hit and I never break a promise.

JACK: Looks like your streak’s over.  The name Melody Chichester has finally lost its...

(A banner which reads “Now Starring Melody Chichester!” unfurls under the marquee.  TICKET BUYERS rush on and storm the box offices.  SOLD OUT signs go up)

MELODY: You were saying?

JACK: Awww...never mind.

YOUNG MELODY: Someday, my name on the bill will sell out the show!

TICKET BUYER: Hey, that’s Melody Chichester!

(The crowd mobs MELODY, demanding autographs.  The crowd exits.  HANK moves CS)

HANK: You’ve been gone too long, Melody.

MELODY: I wasn’t the only one to make a promise that day, was I, Hank?

YOUNG JACK: (Laughs) The day that happens, Lord Olivier, I will smother your feet with kisses!

YOUNG MELODY: You heard him, Hank!  You’re a witness!

HANK: (To YOUNG MELODY) If you insist. (To MELODY) Oh, yes, now I remember.

MELODY: Jack, my toes are cold.  Could you warm them up?

JACK: You gotta be kidding.

MELODY: You used to like to kiss my feet.

JACK: I used to like having my diapers changed, but I don’t intend to do that in the middle of Broadway either!
MELODY: (Playful) How can I ever respect you again?

JACK: What do you mean again?  Remember the infamous foot-kissing day?  Everything almost ended right there.

YOUNG JACK: This I’m-gonna-make-it-to-the-top bit was cute, but you’re running it into the ground!

YOUNG MELODY: I believe if you’re headed for success and something gets in your way, you climb right over it!

(YOUNG JACK starts toward the theatre)

YOUNG MELODY (CONT’D): Where are you going?

YOUNG JACK: To scrape your footprints off my back!

(YOUNG JACK exits into the theatre)

YOUNG MELODY: I didn’t mean you!

(YOUNG MELODY exits after him.  HANK calls after her)

HANK: Melody, Jack, don’t fight, it’s opening night!

(HANK turns to MELODY and JACK and smiles)

HANK (CONT’D): And look!  The Sweethearts of Broadway, together again!

MELODY: Nothing will come between us now, right, Jack?

(JACK crosses to the banner)

JACK: So, Hank, this is your idea of equal billing?

MELODY: My agent demanded that, I didn’t think you’d mind.

JACK: What would it matter if I did?

MELODY: That’s not fair!

JACK: If you want something, that’s all right, but if I want something, I'm not fair!

MELODY: I'm perfectly willing to change it.

JACK: Really?  How much smaller would you like my name to be?

(MELODY and JACK argue.  VICKI enters)

VICKI: Good morning, everyone.

(MELODY and JACK quiet.  HANK is surprised)

HANK: Vicki!  Are you all right?  It was nothing personal.

VICKI: And I don’t want you to think it’s personal when I tell you that my departure from the show was only temporary.

HANK: Temporary...?

VICKI: As of tonight, I'll be playing Roberta.

HANK: What...?!

MELODY: What...?!

VICKI: Batesy and I had a little, um, discussion and I am now your new...that is, your old...well, I am now your old new leading lady.

HANK: I want to hear it from CB!

VICKI: Here he comes now.

(CB enters timidly)

HANK: CB!

CB: Oh, uh, hello, Hank.  Hello, Jack.  Hello, Melvinetta.

MELODY: It’s Melody, you idiot!

CB: What?

HANK: Her name isn’t Melvinetta, it’s Melody!  As in Melody Chichester!

CB: I didn’t know you were married to Melody Chichester!

HANK: I am not married to her!

MELODY: According to your little tootsie, I’ve just become an overnight flash-in-the-pan!

CB: You?  Not very likely, Melvinetta...uh, Melody.

MELODY: Miss Chichester, if you don’t mind!
HANK: CB, did you give the lead back to Vicki?

CB: (Unhappy) Yes.

HANK: We’re hours from opening!

CB: Vicki convinced me.  After all, she’s been doing it for two months now.

MELODY: Oh, she’s been doing it, but I'm not sure you and I are referring to the same thing!  There’s something you’re not telling us!  

HANK: Wait, Vicki’s M.O. is get the show through seduction, get the lead...through blackmail!

MELODY: Okay, Batesy, what’s sneaky ol’ Vicki got on you?

CB: Don’t be ridiculous!

HANK: It’s his wife!

CB: (Alarmed) Where...?!

MELODY: Vicki threatened to tell her!

CB: Don’t be silly, she didn’t threaten to tell her! (Beat, then softer) She did tell her.

HANK: (Surprised) What...?

CB: Vicki called my wife anonymously and told her I was seeing a girl in the show.  Then, she told me if she didn’t get the lead back, my wife would get more evidence.

HANK: What about your investment?

CB: It’s a tax write-off.

HANK: Melody has a contract!  She can sue!

CB: (Not a concern) I suppose she’ll have to.

VICKI: Of course, if Miss Chichester really wants to return to the stage, she can always play the maid.

MELODY: Why, you little...!

CB: Maybe we’d better go.

(CB and VICKI start out)

HANK: That’s it, CB?

(CB hesitates, then pulls down the banner.  He and VICKI exit)

MELODY: That’s it, I'm outta here!

HANK: You can’t walk out now!

MELODY: I'm rich and I’m famous!  I can walk where I want to walk!

HANK: Look where you are!

(MELODY looks around)

MELODY: I'm in a gutter!

HANK: But, it’s a Broadway gutter!  It’s what you want, Melody!  It’s what we all want!  Right, Jack?

JACK: Maybe this is the best thing that could happen.

HANK: (Surprised) What...?

JACK: We finally get back together and now we’re in the same situation that broke us up in the first place.

MELODY: Maybe we should just leave the show quietly.

(MELODY and JACK kiss)

HANK: Have you two lost your minds?!  The two most self-centered people I know want to traipse off and live happily ever after!  How touching!  Well, maybe you can forget this happened, but I can’t!  Or have you forgotten me?  Hank?  The director?  How about the show, have you forgotten that, too?  For that matter, what about Broadway?  You do remember Broadway, don’t you?!

JACK: Hank, it’s not that we...

HANK: Jack, I expected more from you!  How long have you searched for the perfect vehicle to revive your career?  And now that it’s in your grasp, are you willing to let it go so you can scratch a thirty year itch?!

MELODY: I'm not sure that’s...
HANK: And you!  The great Melody Chichester!  I don’t think you got where you are by sitting back and letting some third-rate Desdemona steal your thunder!  Well, go ahead, turn your backs, I don’t care!  I won’t let the dream die, I'm gonna fight!  I'll give every drop of blood I have for it!  And why?  Because it’s the Theatre!  Do you hear me?  The Theatre!  The Theatre is my life!  The Theatre is my passion!  The Theatre...is my mistress.  And I will not see her defiled.  It will never be said her gleaming gold was tarnished when Hank Gilfooley refused to rush to her rescue. Release her, you tyrants!  Let her be!  I will not let her die, for the Theatre and I are one!  I am the Theatre and the Theatre is me!

MELODY: (Beat) Afraid you won’t be able to make the old alimony payments, eh?

HANK: (Crumples) Help me, I need the money!

MELODY: (To JACK) He really is pathetic.

JACK: The speech was stirring, though.  Made me see him in a new light.

HANK: Would you two blood-suckers quit pandering and tell me you’ll help?!

MELODY: (Laughs) What do you think?

JACK: I guess I will...if you will.

HANK: (Hopeful) Melody?

MELODY: (Reluctant) Oh...all right, Hank, you got yourself a new Patagonian maid.

HANK: (Jubilant) Thank you, Melody, thank you!

MELODY: I'll give it a week.  If we haven’t changed Lawrence’s mind by then, I’m out of the show!

HANK: If we haven’t changed his mind by then, there won’t be a show!

JACK: How do we do it?

HANK: CB has to want Vicki to go and that won’t be easy.  He gives her whatever she wants.  He even lets her date other guys...as long as she doesn’t say she loves them.

MELODY: That’s it!  Lawrence has to overhear Vicki telling another man she loves him!

HANK: That might work, but who?

MELODY: We need a guy who’s Vicki’s type.

JACK: Gee, let me throw a stone...

MELODY: Someone young and innocent, someone she’d never suspect.  Has she shown interest in anyone in the cast?

JACK: No one I can think of.  Except Bobby, of course.

MELODY: Bobby?  Bingo!

HANK: He’s a kid!  He’s too naive!

MELODY: He’s just what my plan calls for!

JACK: What plan?

MELODY: (Impish) Let me tell you all about it.

JACK: Oh, no, she has the Look!

HANK: What Look?

JACK: The Look she gets on TV when she hatches her schemes!

HANK: So?

JACK: So, did any of those schemes ever work?!

MELODY: Hear me out!  You know the opening night party tonight?  You two will play pivotal roles.

HANK: What about you?

MELODY: My presence might be distracting, so I won’t be there.  Maybe I better start at the beginning.  Okay, boys, here’s the whole plan...

END OF ACT TWO SCENE ONE

ACT TWO SCENE TWO -- The makeup room at the Kubelsky Theatre, Opening Night

(ANNIE is at a makeup table.  VICKI and BOBBY enter.  ANNIE tries to ignore them)

VICKI: (Insincere) Oh, how sad.  I guess the show is the only reason Annie has to get dolled up now.  Well, let’s go.

BOBBY: I want to say hello.

VICKI: If you must.

BOBBY: Hello, Annie.

ANNIE: Hello, Bobby.

BOBBY: I was wondering...

VICKI: That’s enough!

BOBBY: I wasn’t done.

VICKI: Sure you were!

(VICKI drags BOBBY off.  ANNIE throws a brush in anger.  MELODY enters, wearing a robe.  The brush just misses her.  MELODY picks it up)

MELODY: Opening night jitters?

ANNIE: Vicki.

MELODY: Ah, say no more.  

(MELODY throws the brush) 

MELODY (CONT’D): I have the same reaction.  What happened?

ANNIE: I turned Bobby down and he latched on to her.

MELODY: Why’d you turn him down?

ANNIE: I have these high standards and Bobby doesn’t meet them.

MELODY: Can’t you ignore them?

ANNIE: I couldn’t!  I mean...could you?

MELODY: Does this answer your question?

(MELODY opens her robe to reveal a maid’s costume) 

ANNIE: (Laughs, then stops) Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

(MELODY looks in a mirror and sighs) 

MELODY: Where’s Bobby now?

ANNIE: He and the Destroyer of Souls were just here flaunting their date tonight.

MELODY: He’s taking her to the party?  That’s perfect!

ANNIE: What...?

MELODY: Uh, perfectly awful!  It’ll be fine, I promise.  And a Melody Chichester promise is as good as done!

(MELODY exits.  ANNIE looks in the mirror.  BOBBY enters, unnoticed, carrying the Shakespeare book)

ANNIE: You look like you just came from a funeral.

BOBBY: Mame.

ANNIE: (Surprised) What...?

BOBBY: That line, it’s from Mame.

ANNIE: Oh, no, I'm not the one who lives and breathes musicals! (Calms herself) Where’s your keeper?

BOBBY: I gave her the slip.

ANNIE: I'm shocked at you, breaking up the warm, loving relationship between a man and his floozy.

BOBBY: All I wanted was a date.

ANNIE: Vicki doesn’t love you, you know.

BOBBY: I'm not sure there is such a thing as true love.  Look at us.  I thought I'd found it, but I was wrong.

ANNIE: What about me?

BOBBY: No guy’ll ever pass the entrance exam.  You’re trapped by your standards.

ANNIE: (Soft) My standards.

BOBBY: Oh, I almost forgot.  I won’t be needing this.

(BOBBY hands the book to ANNIE, then starts out)

ANNIE: Bobby, wait!

(BOBBY turns back)

ANNIE (CONT’D): Would you...go on a date with me?

BOBBY: Do you mean it?!

ANNIE: (Steels herself) Yes.

BOBBY: (Sings)
She said yes!  The girl said yes!
And now my heart's as full as the sea!
I wasn't sure if she knew...
    (Realizes, stops) I'm sorry!

ANNIE: No...it’s all right.

BOBBY: It doesn’t bother you?

ANNIE: Bother me?  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard!  But, if we’re gonna date, I better get used to it.

BOBBY: When can we go out?!

ANNIE: How about to the party?

BOBBY: Yes! (Realizes) No.  I'm taking Vicki.  We made the date two days ago.

ANNIE: Two days...?  We’ve got her on a technicality.

BOBBY: We do?

ANNIE: The party is for cast members and their guests, right?  Two days ago, Vicki got fired, so she wasn’t a cast member anymore, although she could still be your guest.  Do you follow me?

BOBBY: I'm not sure.

ANNIE: Well, now, she’s in the cast again, so she can’t be a guest!  Ergo, you are technically free from a date you made with a former cast member!  Any questions?

BOBBY: Yes.  Who’s Ergo?

ANNIE: (Rolls her eyes) The villain in Othello!  Will you tell her?

BOBBY: What’ll I say?

(VICKI enters.  ANNIE spots her)

ANNIE: Too late, the Dark One has arrived.

VICKI: (To BOBBY) Where have you been?!

BOBBY: I-I wanted to return Annie’s book.

VICKI: I hope I won’t have to hunt for you at the party!

BOBBY: About the party, I was wondering...

VICKI: Bobby, we shouldn’t discuss our plans in front of poor, lonesome Annie.

(VICKI starts out.  BOBBY looks down at his feet.  VICKI stops)

VICKI (CONT’D): Bobby?

BOBBY: (Uneasy) I-I can’t take you to the party.

VICKI: You’re breaking our date?

BOBBY: Well, technically, we don’t have a date.

VICKI: What do you mean, technically?

BOBBY: It has something to do with Othello.

VICKI: Othello...?  That’s Shakespeare!

(VICKI turns to ANNIE.  CUBBY enters) 

CUBBY: Ten minutes to places!  Miss Carothers, Mr. Gunn, you have to get ready!

ANNIE: Bobby, we can finish this later.  At the party!

(ANNIE starts out, but BOBBY hesitates)

ANNIE (CONT’D): Bobby?

BOBBY: (To VICKI) I-I have to go now.  I'm sorry.

(ANNIE and BOBBY exit)

VICKI: Not as sorry as you’re gonna be!

(VICKI exits angrily)

CUBBY: All right, people, let’s really be on our toes.  After all, it’s opening night!

END OF ACT TWO SCENE TWO

ACT TWO SCENE THREE – Backstage on opening night

(JACK and HANK are “backstage.”  Two ACTORS are “onstage.”  The “stage lights” fade up)

ACTOR 1: “You know, Paxton, I'm not sure Roberta will let Charlie get away with this scheme of his.”

ACTOR 2: “If she doesn’t, Senator Birnbaum will have to learn a new way to play the bagpipes!”

(The ACTORS laugh)

ACTOR 2: (CONT’D): “Dash it all, where’s that maid with my drink?!  Ah, here she comes now.”

(MELODY, as the maid, “enters,” carrying a tray and a glass.  The “audience” goes wild.  When it ends, she offers the glass to ACTOR 2)

MELODY: “Your sherry, señor?”

(The “audience” goes wild again.  ACTOR 2 takes the drink and MELODY “exits” to “backstage.”  The “onstage scene” continues in pantomime)

MELODY (CONT’D): Well, boys, what do you think?

JACK: Only you could turn a bit part into a showstopper, uh, if you’ll pardon the expression.

(They laugh.  VICKI enters, unnoticed)

HANK: You’ve still got it!

(VICKI comes forward) 

VICKI: No, Hank, I've got it!  And I'm gonna keep it!

HANK: (Surprised) What are you talking about?

VICKI: I'm back and I'm not leaving!

MELODY: (Mock sincere) Why would anyone want you to leave?

VICKI: Don’t play games with me, Miss Big-TV-Star!

JACK: Vicki, don’t get upset.

VICKI: You want me out as much as they do, traitor!  Well, I'm gonna see that Batesy dumps all of you!

HANK: You can’t!  I won’t let you!

VICKI: Try and stop me!

(ANNIE and BOBBY enter)

VICKI (CONT’D): Oh, look, it’s little awful Annie!  Thanks to you, I don’t have a date for the party!

BOBBY: What about Mr. Lawrence?

HANK: He won’t take her, his wife might find out.

VICKI: I see too much of him anyway.

ANNIE: It’s a shame you have to spend time with your boyfriend.

(CUBBY enters) 

CUBBY: People, we’re in the middle of a show here!  Miss Frobisher, why don’t you wait in your dressing room?

(VICKI reluctantly exits.  ANNIE and BOBBY move off to one side and begin billing and cooing)

CUBBY (CONT’D): Now, no more yelling, all right?  Good!  

(CUBBY exits)

HANK: This looks like our only shot.

MELODY: We may have hit a snag.  

(MELODY indicates ANNIE and BOBBY)

JACK: Oh, no!

MELODY: Not to worry, boys, Melody is on the job!

HANK: Okay, I'll see you after the show.  Good luck!

JACK: Good luck...?!  Hank, you wished us good luck!

HANK: Uh, break a leg?

JACK: It’s a little late now!
MELODY: He was talking about the plan, not the show.

JACK: He was talking to me, an actor in a theatre, as I'm about to perform!

HANK: Isn’t there some counterspell?

JACK: I think so, but I don’t remember what!

MELODY: I do.

JACK: What?!

MELODY: Strip to your underwear, stick an onion in your shorts and run around the theatre three times.  Backwards.

JACK: (Beat) I'll do it!  Where can I find an onion?

(JACK drops his pants and exits)

HANK: I never heard that remedy before.

MELODY: I made it up.  The last thing we need is Jack worrying.

HANK: Did you have to make it so extreme?

MELODY: I want him to believe it.  Besides, it’s been thirty years since I saw Jack in his skivvies.  All right, I'll have a talk with Annie and Bobby.

HANK: Okay, good lu... (Realizes) ...uh, never mind.

(HANK exits.  MELODY crosses to ANNIE and BOBBY)

MELODY: It looks like you patched things up.

ANNIE: We’re going to the party.

MELODY: Why would you do a dumb thing like that?

ANNIE and BOBBY: What...?

MELODY: Don’t you think you’re being hasty?  Bobby should take Vicki to the party, then drop her.

ANNIE: Whose side are you on?

MELODY: I don’t want him to get hurt.

BOBBY: Neither do I.

ANNIE: I'm beginning to think I made a mistake!

BOBBY: No, I'll go with you.

MELODY: Bobby, you can’t!

ANNIE: He can’t what?!

MELODY: He can’t...have picked a nicer girl.

(CUBBY enters, dragging JACK in while fastening JACK’s pants)

CUBBY: Yes, Mr. Trimble, I'll find an onion, but now it’s time to be an actor.  Miss Carothers, you enter from stage left.

(JACK “enters” SL.  ANNIE “enters” SR.  CUBBY exits )

MELODY: Bobby, you can’t take Annie to the party!  The success of this show rests on your shoulders!

BOBBY: It does...?

MELODY: Vicki is a disaster!

BOBBY: She has been a bit lackluster.

MELODY: Lackluster?  She’s lack everything!  You have to make her declare her undying love for you tonight!

BOBBY: Tonight?  No, I’d need more time!

MELODY: We haven’t got more time!  Your career is riding on this.  And Annie’s, too.

BOBBY: Annie’s?

MELODY: And everyone else in the show.  You’re their only hope.  The fate of Broadway itself is in your hands!

BOBBY: Broadway?  In my hands?

(MELODY points out front)

MELODY: Look out there, Bobby!  What do you see?

BOBBY: (Squints) What?
MELODY: The audience!  Do you see them?

BOBBY: I think so, it’s sort of dark.

MELODY: Do you know why they’re here?

BOBBY: (Innocent) Because Cats was sold out?

MELODY: To see you!

BOBBY: Me?

MELODY: You’re an actor!  You lead them into a world of fantasy where all their troubles are forgotten!  They’re waiting for you to show them the way!

BOBBY: They are? (To us) You are?

MELODY: After the curtain falls, who does the audience remember?

BOBBY: (Guesses) The actors?

MELODY: That’s right!  Name any show and right away you think of the star!  Tell me, who starred in Hello, Dolly!?

BOBBY: That’s easy!  Carol Channing!

MELODY: You see?  How about Fiddler On The Roof?

BOBBY: Zero Mostel!

MELODY: Exactly!

BOBBY: And Mame was Angela Lansbury and Funny Girl was Barbra Streisand!

MELODY: That’s right!  Who was in The Music Man?

BOBBY: Robert Preston!  This is fun, ask some more!

MELODY: Bye, Bye, Birdie?

BOBBY: Dick van Dyke!

MELODY: Call Me Madam?

BOBBY: Ethel Merman!

MELODY: The Sound Of Music?
BOBBY: Julie Andrews!

MELODY: Yes! (Realizes) Uh, no...bad example.  But, how about My Fair Lady?

BOBBY: That was Julie Andrews!  No, Rex Harrison!  No, Julie Andrews!  No...

MELODY: Vaguely Flourishing?

BOBBY: (Reflexively) Showstopper Vicki!

(BOBBY clamps his hand over his mouth, aghast)

MELODY: Did you hear what you just said?  Showstopper Vicki.  That is how this show will be remembered.  And Bobby...?

BOBBY: (Weak) Yes?

MELODY: If this show falls, the others will be right behind, one after the other after the other.  Broadway is doomed!

BOBBY: We have to help Broadway!

MELODY: You know what needs to be done.   Will you do it?!

BOBBY: (Beat) I'll do it!

MELODY: Congratulations, you just saved the Great White Way!

(CUBBY enters and in a stage whisper:) 

CUBBY: Ssshhh, quiet!

(CUBBY exits)

MELODY: Sorry. (To BOBBY) Where were we?

BOBBY: I just saved the Great White Way.  But, I'm supposed to take Annie to the party.  What’ll I tell her?

MELODY: Tell her the truth.

BOBBY: No, she already thinks I like Vicki.

MELODY: Tell her you’re sick.  She won’t go without you.

BOBBY: What if Vicki won’t go?

MELODY: She’ll go if she thinks it’ll hurt Annie.
BOBBY: I hope it won’t.

MELODY: You can explain it all tomorrow.  Oh, I've got an entrance.  Try to look sick!

BOBBY: That shouldn’t be hard!

(MELODY “enters” the “scene.”  BOBBY practices looking sick and coughing softly.  ANNIE “exits” to backstage)

ANNIE: Bobby?

(BOBBY is startled and coughs louder.  CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Ssshhh, quiet!

(CUBBY exits)

ANNIE: Are you all right?

BOBBY: I'm fine. (Realizes) I mean, no!  I-I feel a little dauncy.  I think I have a fever.

(ANNIE feels BOBBY’s cheek)

ANNIE: You’re as cool as a cucumber.

BOBBY: It-it’s only on the inside!

ANNIE: Maybe you should go home after the show.

BOBBY: Yes...yes, that’s good!  I'll go straight home!

ANNIE: And I'll go with you.

BOBBY: (Startled) What...?!

ANNIE: I can tuck you in.

BOBBY: No, that’s not good!

ANNIE: Why not?

BOBBY: I...I don’t want you to catch it!

ANNIE: If it’s contagious, I've already got it.

BOBBY: No, it’s only catching in apartments!

ANNIE: Are you sure you’re being honest with me?
BOBBY: Yes!  You can’t believe how rotten I feel right now!

ANNIE: Well, after the show, I want you to jump straight into bed.

BOBBY: No!  I-I mean, I should probably take a shower first. (Aside) A cold shower.

(CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Mr. Gunn, you’re on!

BOBBY: (Alarmed) Does it show?!

(CUBBY pushes BOBBY “onstage”, then exits.  MELODY “exits” and crosses to ANNIE)

MELODY: I'm sorry if it sounded like I favored Vicki.

ANNIE: No harm done, Bobby and I are still going out.

MELODY: (Surprised) You are...?

ANNIE: Not tonight, though, Bobby’s sick.

MELODY: Oh, that’s a relief!

ANNIE: (Surprised) What...?

MELODY: Uh, that you two are still together.  What a relief!

ANNIE: (Unsure) I guess so.

MELODY: You don’t sound too sure.

ANNIE: I lowered my standards.  I don’t think Bobby still respects me.

MELODY: He loves you!  By tomorrow, this will be a distant memory.

ANNIE: Oh, that was my cue.

(ANNIE “enters.”  VICKI enters, sees MELODY, then looks away haughtily.  MELODY crosses to her)

VICKI: Please, I don’t like being near the supporting players.

MELODY: Sorry, I was hoping to bask in the glow.  Do you still have the hots for Bobby?

VICKI: (Startled) What...?!

MELODY: Everyone says you do.

VICKI: I may have had a brief infatuation, but I'm not interested in the little creep anymore!

MELODY: Perfect!  It’s just Annie and me now!

VICKI: But, I thought you and Jack...

MELODY: When you can have a fresh kid, why settle for an old goat?  Bobby is kinda cute, you know.

VICKI: That’s true...

MELODY: Hey, you’re not interested!

VICKI: I will see whoever I like!

MELODY: That’s my cue.  Remember, Showstopper, hands off!

(MELODY “enters” the “scene.”  VICKI glares after her.  CB enters “backstage”)

CB: Vicki, I have good news.

VICKI: Hurry, I have an entrance.

CB: I can take you to the party after all.

VICKI: (Louder, startled) What...?!

(CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Ssshhh, quiet!  Mr. Lawrence, you shouldn’t be back here.

CB: I'll only be a minute.

CUBBY: Yes, well, please hurry.

(CUBBY exits reluctantly)

CB: My wife’s on her way to Albuquerque to visit her Aunt Ethel, so it’s safe!  What do you say?

VICKI: (Disappointed) What can I say?

CB: I'll meet you after the show!

(CUBBY enters) 

CUBBY: Miss Frobisher, you’re on!

VICKI: You’re telling me!

(VICKI “enters” the “scene.”  CUBBY addresses CB)

CUBBY: You really must go.

(CUBBY exits.  CB starts out.  HANK enters)

HANK: CB, we need to talk after the show.

CB: I'm going to the party!

HANK: I'll tell your wife!

CB: You wouldn’t!

(CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Ssshhh, quiet!  Go on, out of the stage area!

(CUBBY herds HANK and CB off.  BOBBY and VICKI “exit” from opposite sides of the “stage.”  After summoning the nerve, BOBBY crosses to her)

BOBBY: Vicki, would you go to the party with me?

VICKI: I’d love to!

BOBBY: I mean, I already asked you and you said yes and then I said no, but... (Realizes) ...you will?  Gee, that wasn’t hard.

VICKI: Why would it be?

BOBBY: Uh, I thought you made up with Mr. Lawrence.

VICKI: (Realizes) Mr. Lawrence.  Don’t worry, I'll tell him I've got a splitting headache.

BOBBY: Will he believe you?

VICKI: When Mr. Lawrence is around, I always get a splitting headache.

BOBBY: I have to go, I have an entrance.

(BOBBY “enters” the “scene.”  CB enters)

CB: I have some bad news.

VICKI: Not now, Batesy, I've got a migraine.  I have to go home after the show.

CB: I can’t keep our date.

VICKI: (Brightens) You can’t?

CB: I was gonna suggest you ask one of the fellows in the cast, but... 

VICKI: That’s a marvelous idea!

CB: What about your headache?

VICKI: I'll be thinking of you the whole time!

(CUBBY enters) 

CUBBY: Mr. Lawrence, you must stay out of this area!

CB: (To VICKI) Will I see you tomorrow?

VICKI: I'll be counting the hours...

(CB and CUBBY exit)

VICKI (CONT’D): ...by the minute!

(ANNIE and BOBBY “exit” to “backstage.”  VICKI crosses to BOBBY)

VICKI (CONT’D): I can go to the party with you after all!

(VICKI kisses BOBBY on the cheek, then “enters” the scene)

ANNIE: (Icy) What was that?

(BOBBY is afraid to look at ANNIE.  He stammers)

ANNIE (CONT’D): I'm sure it’s just the fever!  I better feel your cheek again!

(ANNIE slaps BOBBY on the cheek.  BOBBY yelps.  CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Ssshhh, quiet!  Mr. Gunn, your cue!

(CUBBY hurries BOBBY “onstage”, then exits.  JACK “exits” and crosses to ANNIE)

JACK: Either I’m getting old or that’s a long scene.

(No response)

JACK (CONT’D): Are you all right?

ANNIE: (Almost crying) No.

JACK: What’s the matter?

ANNIE: You are!

JACK: What did I do?

ANNIE: You were born a man!

JACK: I was?  I mean, what does that have to do with anything?

ANNIE: Men say they love you, then run off with the first over-stuffed bra that comes their way!

JACK: That was thirty years ago!

ANNIE: You’d do it again if you got the chance!

(CUBBY enters)

ANNIE (CONT’D): Yeah, I know!  Ssshhh, quiet!  Don’t worry, I'm leaving!

(ANNIE and CUBBY exit.  JACK stares after them.  MELODY “exits” the “scene” and notices JACK’s expression)

MELODY: What’s wrong?

JACK: Do you think we’re doing the right thing?

MELODY: Of course, why?
JACK: We want to get rid of Vicki, but now Annie’s hurt.

MELODY: Annie?

JACK: She thinks Bobby’s cheating.  You thought that and it took thirty years for the rift to heal.

MELODY: That was different.

JACK: How?

MELODY: (Smiles) You really were cheating.  Bobby can explain it tomorrow.

JACK: You wouldn’t listen the next day.  Or the day after that or the day after that.

MELODY: I saw your side eventually.

JACK: Do you still have doubts?

MELODY: A few...

JACK: Aha!

MELODY: But, I also believe you changed.  You learned how to keep your libido in your pants!  What about me?  Do you still think I'm overbearing and manipulative?

JACK: Absolutely!

MELODY: Why, you pig-headed jackass!

JACK: (Laughs) No, you mellowed.  The old you would have slugged me!

MELODY: I still might!

JACK: Not in the face, not in the face!

(MELODY and JACK laugh, then kiss)

JACK (CONT’D): Mmmm, some things have mellowed well.

MELODY: So, tonight, when we meet in Hank’s office...

JACK: Whoa!  Have you heard anything I said?  I'm not sure we should continue.

MELODY: We can’t stop now!
JACK: Nothing’s changed!  You still pretend to listen, then run roughshod over me!

MELODY: I want to help Hank!

JACK: You want to help you!  Out of an awkward situation!

(CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Ssshhh, quiet!

(CUBBY exits.  There is an awkward pause)

MELODY: I feel a little silly.

JACK: Me, too.  Forgive me?

MELODY: Sure.

(MELODY and JACK hug)

MELODY (CONT’D): No more fighting?

JACK: That’ll be the day!

MELODY: Then, about tonight...

JACK: (Rolls his eyes) You have a one-track mind.

MELODY: If we save the show, we can concentrate on our careers.

JACK: You have all the fame and fortune one person could want!

MELODY: I meant your career.

JACK: No, this is the same old self-serving drivel!

MELODY: Well, as long as my name is in the Playbill, I sure don’t want the show to flop!

(CUBBY enters) 

CUBBY: Ssshhh, quiet!  Miss Chichester, your entrance!  

(CUBBY exits.   MELODY addresses JACK)

MELODY: Are you going to help or not?

JACK: (Beat) I'll do whatever I can to make this show a success.

MELODY: I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

(MELODY kisses JACK, then “enters.”  JACK watches her, then turns to leave.  BETTY LOU enters.  JACK almost bumps into her)

JACK: Oh, excuse me.

(JACK starts out, then realizes and turns back)

JACK (CONT’D): I don’t believe it!

(JACK and BETTY LOU hug.  MELODY “exits”, crosses to a prop table and picks up a silver tea service.  She turns to “re-enter” and sees JACK and BETTY LOU.  BETTY LOU is facing away.  JACK releases her)

JACK (CONT’D): Melody, look who’s here!

(BETTY LOU turns toward MELODY.  MELODY’s eyes widen)

BETTY LOU: Hello, Melody.

MELODY: Betty Lou...

(The tea service slips from MELODY’s hands and crashes to the floor.  All “onstage” action stops abruptly.  CUBBY rushes in, surveys the scene, then bellows)

CUBBY: Quiet!!!

END OF ACT TWO SCENE THREE

ACT TWO SCENE FOUR -- An office at the Kubelsky Theatre, immediately after the show

(HANK and CB are alone)

HANK: The show is falling apart!

CB: I don’t care!  I'd rather the show folds than take part in some idiotic scheme to trap Vicki!

HANK: She’s using you!

CB: I'm getting old!  I want to feel young again!

HANK: And Vicki makes you feel that way?

CB: Vicki makes me feel things that are illegal in thirty-two states!

(MELODY enters, followed by a dismal BOBBY) 

MELODY: How’s it going?

HANK: Maybe you can talk some sense into him.

CB: Don’t even try, Chichester!

MELODY: This is what it comes down to.  A pipe dream!

CB: You might see it that way.

MELODY: Vicki’ll use you, then toss you aside like a bad script!

CB: Maybe, maybe not.

MELODY: It’s time to put up or shut up!  If we’re right, you drop Vicki.  If Vicki stays true, I'll quit first thing tomorrow.  Is it a deal?

(MELODY offers her hand.  CB hesitates)

CB: With one stipulation.

MELODY: What’s that?

CB: If Vicki stays true, I want you all to quit.  You and Jack and Annie and even Bobby.

BOBBY: Even me...?
CB: What do you say?

MELODY: You’ve got a deal!

(MELODY offers her hand and CB shakes it)

CB: It’ll be a pleasure to wipe that smile off your face!

HANK: (Intervenes) CB, I'll meet you at Chez Chiemac’s at one o’clock.

CB: I'll be there!  

(CB exits.  HANK addresses MELODY)

HANK: I hope you know what you’re doing!  We may have lost Annie and Jack their jobs!

MELODY: That reminds me, has anyone seen Jack?

BOBBY: He left with some woman.

MELODY: Oh, no.  What did she look like?

BOBBY: All I saw was a lot of auburn hair.

(MELODY moans and sinks onto a chair)

BOBBY (CONT’D): Don’t you like auburn hair?

MELODY: Not on her head!  That hair belongs to Betty Lou Quigley!

(HANK moans and sinks onto a chair.  MELODY tries to convince herself) 

MELODY (CONT’D): Jack’ll be here.  It’s probably just two old friends saying a polite hello.

HANK: You’re right, Jack’s changed.  He won’t let us down.

BOBBY: (Innocent) I think he kissed her.

(MELODY and HANK leap up and start pacing)

HANK: That’s it, we might as well call it off!

MELODY: Jack is Jack!  He’ll never change!

HANK: Finished!  Through!  Sunk!
(MELODY stops, then gets the Look)

MELODY: Wait, we’re not dead yet.

HANK: But, Jack was going to cue us!

MELODY: So, all we need is someone else.

HANK: Who?

MELODY: Bobby, which episode of Oh, That Melody did I say is my favorite?

BOBBY: The one where you forgot your purse at the fancy French restaurant and you had to disguise yourself as a waiter so you could sneak out and...oh, I get it!

HANK: You can’t be serious!

MELODY: But I am, Hank, comedy is a serious business.  Boys, Melody Chichester’s plan is alive and well!  The S.S. Showstopper sinks tonight!

BOBBY: It’s just like a rerun!  I can almost hear the theme music!

(HANK moans and sinks onto a chair)

END OF ACT TWO SCENE FOUR

ACT TWO SCENE FIVE -- Chez Chiemac’s, a fancy French restaurant

[The three WAITERS and MAITRE D' all have French accents.  MELODY effects a French accent and a lower voice when with VICKI, MAITRE D' or the WAITERS]

(US are three banquettes with high sides [Tables 1, 2 and 3 from SR to SL].  Each table has its own waiter [WAITERS 1, 2 and 3].  There are GUESTS at each of the banquettes.  MAITRE D' is nervously pacing DS)

WAITER 3: (To MAITRE D') Monsieur, what is wrong?

MAITRE D’: The agency promised a new waiter, but he has not shown up yet!

WAITER 3: Do not worry, monsieur, he will!

MAITRE D’: He had better!

WAITER 3: The veins in your forehead, they are popping out!  All will be well, the agency is very reliable!

MAITRE D’: Reliable?  The last waiter they sent was totally incompetent!  I had to fire him!

WAITER 3: But, I am the last waiter they sent.

MAITRE D’: You are?  Then, you are fired!

(WAITER 3 hangs his head)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Wait, I change my mind, you are no longer fired!  I need you to work the party!

WAITER 3: Merci, monsieur!  Tomorrow I bring you the fine cigar!

MAITRE D’: Do not bother!  After the party, you are fired!

(WAITER 3 hangs his head)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Wait, I change my mind again.  First, bring the cigar, then you are fired!  Now, get to work before I fire you again right now!

(WAITER 3 hurries back to Table 3)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Oh, là là!  Where can that new waiter be?!

(MELODY enters SR, sporting a mustache, a wig and a waiter’s outfit and carrying a tray.  MAITRE D' spots her)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): (Icy) Who are you?

MELODY: (With a French accent) I am your new waiter.

(MELODY starts toward the tables)

MAITRE D’: What do you think you are doing?

MELODY: I am going to wait on the tables.

MAITRE D’: Mais, non, it is not that easy!  Chez Chiemac’s is a very exclusive restaurant.  You cannot just marchez in off the street!  First, you must know the rules!

(MAITRE D' claps his hands.  The WAITERS line up)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): There are three rules by which every waiter must abide.  Three actions which will assure your immediate dismissal!  Numero un!

(MAITRE D' snaps his fingers.  WAITER 1 uses both hands to indicate the front of his uniform)

WAITER 1: Having a sloppy or untidy uniform.

MAITRE D’: Numero deux!

(MAITRE D' snaps.  WAITER 2 pantos removing a lid from a tray)

WAITER 2: Making a mistake with a customer’s order.

MAITRE D’: Et numero trois!

(MAITRE D' snaps.  WAITER 3 makes a low, sweeping bow)

WAITER 3: Showing a lack of courtesy to a guest.

MAITRE D’: Très bien. (To MELODY) Have you got them?

MELODY: I think so.

MAITRE D’: Then, you will show me.
MELODY: Show you...?

MAITRE D’: Show me.

(MELODY hesitates, then repeats the rules flawlessly)

MELODY: Numero un... (Snaps her fingers) ...having a sloppy or untidy uniform.

(MELODY indicates the front of her uniform

MELODY (CONT’D): Numero deux... (Snaps) ...making a mistake with a customer’s order.

(MELODY lifts the imaginary lid)

MELODY (CONT’D): Et numero trois... (Snaps) ...showing a lack of courtesy to a guest.

(MELODY makes a sweeping bow)

MAITRE D’: (Annoyed) Yes, well...close enough.  Now, I have an announcement.  Chez Chiemac’s has been chosen to host the opening night party for the show, Vaguely Flourishing.  And you know what that means!  There will be... (Shudders) ...show people in our restaurant.

(The WAITERS react in revulsion.  MELODY is surprised)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): As distasteful as this may be, I expect you to be on your best behavior!

WAITER 1: Why do we have to do it?

MAITRE D’: This will be a test!  If we can wait on actors, we can wait on anyone!

MELODY: What is wrong with actors?

WAITER 1: They are the lowest form of life on earth!  They all used to be waiters and they look down on us!  But, we get even!  When their shows close, they come crawling back and we look down on them!

MAITRE D’: Courage, Maurice!  At least they are all stage actors!

WAITERS 2 and 3: (Agreeing) Oui.  C’est vrai.

WAITER 1: Non, non, you forget!  One of them is... (Shudders) ...a T-V actress!

(WAITERS 2 and 3 wretch)

MAITRE D’: How could I forget?!  They will be bringing... Melody Chichester!

(MAITRE D’ And WAITERS 1 & 3 react violently.  WAITER 2 faints.  MELODY is stunned)

MELODY: And what is so terrible about Melody Chichester?!

MAITRE D’: Melody Chichester is a television star of the lowest stripe.  She does...the slapstick!

(WAITERS 1 & 3 react in disgust.   WAITER 2 slowly gets up)

MELODY: You do not like the slapstick?

MAITRE D’: Aaagh!  It is the last resort of the comedian who cannot be funny on his own.  You would never catch any of us Frenchmen watching such merde!

MELODY: (Aside) I will mention that to Jerry Lewis.

(MAITRE D' and the WAITERS gasp and freeze.  WAITER 1 crosses himself.  WAITER 2 faints)

MAITRE D’: (Hisses) Take that back!

MELODY: (Surprised) What...?

MAITRE D’: You made the sport with Jerry Lewis!  Monsieur Lewis is a genius!  He is that to which every Frenchman aspires!

(MAITRE D' starts doing a Jerry Lewis imitation.  WAITER 1 and WAITER 3 also do imitations.  MELODY watches, stunned)

MELODY: He sure puts Melody Chichester to shame!

(The imitations cease.   WAITER 2 slowly gets up)
 
MAITRE D’: Ah, you are seeing the light!  Jerry Lewis, oui, Melody Chichester, non!

MELODY: Is there nothing you like about Melody Chichester?

MAITRE D’: (Considers) Mais, oui!  I love it when she says, “You can’t win zem all!”

MELODY: That is how she always closes her show!  And you love that?

MAITRE D’: Certainement!  It means her show is finally over!  Now, everyone back to work!

(MAITRE D' claps and WAITERS 1 and 3 return to their tables.  WAITER 2 exits SL.  MAITRE D' crosses to a SR podium.  MELODY starts toward the tables, practicing the pantomimes.  MAITRE D' spots her)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Non, non!  These are our finest tables and may only be serviced by our finest waiters.

(WAITERS 1 and 3 smirk)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): You must wait on the tables by the... (Shudders) ...salad bar.  

(MAITRE D’ points off SL.  MELODY reluctantly exits SL.  WAITER 3 exits.  WAITER 2 returns with a cart covered by a large domed lid, then exits.  MAITRE D' looks off SR)

MAITRE D’: Non, non, Pierre!  If we are out of the escargots, you may not serve snails from the fish tank!  You idiot, you are fired!

(MAITRE D' exits SR.  MELODY returns with a cart identical to WAITER 2’s cart.  She switches them and rolls his off, then crosses behind WAITER 1, who is taking an order.  WAITER 3 returns with a bottle of red wine.  MELODY does the three pantos, then produces a pair of scissors.  She lifts WAITER 1’s coattails and cuts his suspenders, then strolls US.  WAITER 2 returns.  MAITRE D' enters and calls to WAITER 1)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Maurice.

(WAITER 1 turns and his pants fall down.  The female GUEST at Table 1 shrieks.  MELODY repeats the first pantomime.  WAITER 2 announces “Le roast chicken!” and lifts the cart’s dome.  The roast chicken has been replaced by a live chicken [or a chicken carcass].  His guests leap up and yell.  He faints.  MELODY does the second pantomime, then crosses behind WAITER 3.  He is distracted and MELODY slowly nudges his arm until the wine he is pouring spills on to a female GUEST’s white dress.  She screams, leaps up and slaps him.  MELODY does pantomime trois and crosses DL.  MAITRE D' rushes over)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Sacré bleu, what is going on...?!

(WAITER 2 slowly gets up.  The WAITERS try to explain)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): You are all fired!  Allez, allez!

(The WAITERS hang their heads and start out.  WAITER 3 stops and looks pleadingly at MAITRE D') 

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Forget it!  I can get my own cigar!  

(The WAITERS exit.  MAITRE D' addresses the GUESTS)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): I am sorry!  Please, accept my apologies!  Mille pardons!

(The GUESTS exit angrily.  BUSBOYS enter and reset the tables)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Mon Dieu!  The party will be starting and I have no waiters! (Sees MELODY) Garçon!

MELODY: Who, moi?

MAITRE D’: Yes, vous!  You must take over!  But, if there are any slip-ups, I will, I will...well, I do not know what I will do!  I cannot afford to fire anyone else tonight!

MELODY: You can count on me, monsieur!

(BOBBY and VICKI appear SR.  MAITRE D' sees them)

MAITRE D’: Our guests are arriving! (Crosses SR) Ah, bon soir, mademoiselle, monsieur.  

(MAITRE D’ escorts BOBBY and VICKI to Table 1)
MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): I trust this table will be suitable.

(MAITRE D' exits.  VICKI sits SL at the table and holds up a large menu, which blocks her view.  BOBBY sits SR.  MELODY waves, but he doesn’t recognize her)

BOBBY: Uh, we’re not ready yet.

VICKI: (Lowers her menu) What?

BOBBY: I was talking to the waiter.

VICKI: Oh.

(VICKI raises her menu.  MELODY moves closer and waves again.  BOBBY sees her)

BOBBY: I told you, we’re not... (Realizes) ...Melody?

VICKI: (Lowers her menu) What was that?

MELODY: Uh, the melody?  I shall ask the bandleader.

VICKI: Tell ‘em to play something faster, I want to dance.  But, first, I need to use the little star’s room.
 
(VICKI giggles and exits SL)

BOBBY: Melody, is that you?

(MELODY sits in VICKI’s seat) 

MELODY: It ain’t Maurice Chevalier.

BOBBY: I don’t think I can do this.

MELODY: You’ll be fine.  I’ll make sure Lawrence sits at the next table, then I'll cue you.

(MAITRE D’ enters SR and rushes over) 

MAITRE D’: What are you doing?!

MELODY: Uh, the young man’s date went to powder her nose.  He missed her and needed a shoulder to cry on.

MAITRE D’: (Skeptical) Is this true?

BOBBY: Oh, uh...yes.

(BOBBY sobs on MELODY’s shoulder)

MAITRE D’: (Embarrassed) Yes, well, move on as soon as he feels better.

(HANK and CB enter SR.  MAITRE D' goes to them)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Bon soir, messieurs, right this way!  

(MAITRE D’ leads HANK and CB to Table 3)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Will this do?

(MELODY leaps up and addresses MAITRE D')

MELODY: Monsieur, do you not think they would be more comfortable here?

(MELODY indicates Table 2)

MAITRE D’: I am in charge, garçon!  The guests will sit where I want them to sit!

HANK: This table does look nice.

(HANK indicates Table 2)

MAITRE D’: Ah, if monsieur prefers...

CB: This table is just fine!

(CB smirks and sits SR at Table 3.  HANK reluctantly sits SL)

MAITRE D’: Très bien, messieurs. (To MELODY) And you!  Stop interfering and get back to work!

(MAITRE D’ goes to the podium.  MELODY crosses to BOBBY)

MELODY: Bobby, we have to move you!

(MELODY and BOBBY take the menus and move to Table 2.  MAITRE D' rushes over)

MAITRE D’: Now, what are you doing?!

MELODY: Uh, the young man was upset I could no longer sit with him and asked to be moved to another table.
MAITRE D’: Why?

MELODY: Why?  Uh...uh...

BOBBY: Because that table reminds me of her.

(BOBBY indicates MELODY)

MAITRE D’: (Surprised) Her?

MELODY: (Covers) Uh, he calls me her because I remind him of her, his date!

MAITRE D’: (To BOBBY) Is this true?

(BOBBY nods and sobs on MELODY’s shoulder again)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): (Embarrassed) All right, all right!  Only, try to be happy.

(MAITRE D’ crosses SR.  BOBBY sits SR at Table 2.  MELODY crosses to Table 3)

MELODY: When Vicki returns, I'll give you the signal!

CB: Chichester?  Where’s Jack?

MELODY: We had a minor set-back.

CB: (Laughs) This scheme is the brainchild of a bunch of bush-league chowderheads!

MELODY: It’ll work, you fat moron!

(CB holds his menu in front of his face.  There is a commotion off SR.  MAITRE D' exits SR)

MAITRE D’: (O.S.) Wait, you cannot come in here!  Arrêtez!  Stop!

(A tipsy JACK and BETTY LOU enter SR, followed by MAITRE D')

JACK: I am Mr. Jack Bimble and this is my good friend... what’d you say your name was, honey?

BETTY LOU: No, but if you wanna call me Honey, it’s okay by me!

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh)

JACK: There’s a table, Honey, let’s take it.

(JACK and BETTY LOU cross to Table 1 and pick it up)

BETTY LOU: Okay, where do we take it?

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh)

MAITRE D’: Monsieur, this is a high class establishment!  Could you not have a modicum of decorum?

(JACK and BETTY LOU set the table down)

JACK: Sounds good, Innkeeper!  We’ll each have one.  Make that two modicums of decorum!

BETTY LOU: Hold the little umbrellas!

JACK: But...I like the little umbrellas.

BETTY LOU: Okay, forget the modicums, bring us two little umbrellas of decorum!

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh.  JACK sits SR at Table 1 and BETTY LOU sits SL.  MAITRE D' exits SR in frustration.  MELODY crosses to Table 1)

MELODY: (Angry) May I take your order?

JACK: Didn’t I just give it?  Well, bring two more!

MELODY: I think you’ve had enough.

JACK: I have?  Then, bring four more!  And bring the little lady whatever she wants!

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh)

JACK (CONT’D): You know what?  This fellow looks familiar.

BETTY LOU: He should, he’s our waiter!

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh.  VICKI returns to Table 2)

VICKI: Okay, Bobby, let’s dance.

BOBBY: No!  I-I mean, not yet.

(VICKI reluctantly sits and holds up her menu.  MELODY goes to Table 3)

MELODY: Vicki’s back.  I'll cue Bobby.

(HANK and CB maneuver so they can hear over the sides of the table.  MELODY crosses behind Table 2.  JACK leaps up)

JACK: I know why our waiter looks familiar!

(MELODY rushes to JACK and whacks him over the head with her tray.  JACK slumps.  BETTY LOU leaps up.  CB turns back to the table and holds up his menu)

BETTY LOU: Why’d you do that?!

(MELODY indicates JACK’s head) 

MELODY: Spider.

BETTY LOU: (Beat) Oh.  Good idea.

(BETTY LOU sits and dozes.  VICKI stands)

VICKI: C’mon, I wanna dance!

(VICKI pulls BOBBY onto the dance floor.  MELODY crosses to Table 3.  CB lowers his menu)

MELODY: I'll get them back!

CB: A few more minutes, but that’s it!

(CB raises his menu.  MELODY crosses to BOBBY and VICKI.  MAITRE D' enters)

MELODY: I am sorry, there is no dancing tonight.

(MAITRE D’ crosses to MELODY, VICKI and BOBBY)
 
MAITRE D’: What seems to be the problem?

VICKI: This is a nightclub, isn’t it?  And people come here to dance, right?  But, this waiter says we can’t!

MAITRE D’: Garçon, what is your explanation?  And it had better be bon!

MELODY: Come over here, s’il vous plait.

(MELODY and MAITRE D' move SR)

MELODY (CONT’D): You see the young man over there?

MAITRE D’: You mean, the water-works boy?

MELODY: He told me if I saw him dancing, I was to stop him immediately.

MAITRE D’: (Skeptical) And why is that?

MELODY: Dancing reminds him of...her.

MAITRE D’: Her?  You mean, you?

MELODY: No, not her-me, her-her! (Indicates VICKI)

MAITRE D’: Why would he be sad to be reminded of her-her when he is dancing with her-her?!

MELODY: Her-her is not really a her!

MAITRE D’: Her...is not?!

MELODY: Her-her used to be...her-him!

MAITRE D’: Surely, you jest!

MELODY: When they met, her-him was a waiter in a restaurant just like this and the young man, he was in love.  But, one day, her-him was no longer there and the young man, he was heartbroken! (Crescendos) For, you see, her-him had become...

MAITRE D’: (Almost in tears) No, no, do not say it!

MELODY: I must!  Her-him had become...a waitress!  And, now, you understand why they must never dance again!

MAITRE D’: I do!

(MELODY rolls her eyes.  MAITRE D’ crosses to BOBBY and VICKI)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): I am sorry, but there will be no more dancing tonight!

VICKI: (Surprised) What...?!
(VICKI angrily returns to her seat.  MAITRE D’ takes BOBBY aside)

MAITRE D’: Do not worry, everything will be all right.  And I know, for I, too, was once...a waitress!

(MAITRE D' gives BOBBY a knowing wink, then exits SR.  BOBBY sits, confused.  MELODY crosses to Table 3 and cues HANK and CB, who sit up in their seats to watch, then crosses behind Table 2 and cues BOBBY)

BOBBY: Vicki?

VICKI: (Bored) Yes?

BOBBY: Vicki, I want you to know...I like you.

VICKI: (Intrigued) You do?

BOBBY: In fact...I think I love you.

VICKI: Well, that’s a surprise.  How long have you felt this way?

BOBBY: I just found out tonight.  And I was wondering, do you love me?

VICKI: Now that you mention it, the truth is...

BETTY LOU: (Wakes) Spiders?!  I hate spiders!  

(BETTY LOU climbs up onto her seat and starts to shriek.  VICKI looks to see what the commotion is)

CB: That’s it!  I need to see a man about a horse, then I'm leaving!

(CB stands and hurries out SL)

HANK: No, wait!

(MAITRE D' rushes to BETTY LOU)

MAITRE D’: Madame, what is wrong?!

BETTY LOU: Spiders!  Spiders everywhere!

MAITRE D’: Please, sit down!

BETTY LOU: (Instantly calm) Okay.
(BETTY LOU sits and dozes.  MAITRE D' rolls his eyes and exits SR)

VICKI: (To BOBBY) Did you hear that?  The joint is crawling with spiders!  Let’s go!

(VICKI stands.  MELODY shoves her back into her seat)

VICKI (CONT’D): Hey!

MELODY: There are no spiders.

VICKI: But, she said...

MELODY: She did not say spiders, she said, uh, Snyders.

VICKI: Snyders?

MELODY: The woman was born with a deadly fear of anyone with that name.

VICKI: That’s ridiculous!

MELODY: Even as we speak, there is a family reunion in the back room.  So, you see, the joint is not crawling with spiders, it is crawling with Snyders!

VICKI: But, I want to dance!

MELODY: Of course!  Why could you not?

VICKI: You said I couldn’t!

MELODY: I must have misunderstood.  Feel free to use our dance floor at your convenience.

(VICKI stands.  MELODY shoves her back into her seat)

VICKI: Hey!

MELODY: Only...not right now.

VICKI: Why not?!

MELODY: The floor has just been waxed.

VICKI: I was just on it!

MELODY: Ah, thank goodness you were not injured, for it is perilously slippery!
(A BUSBOY crosses with a tray of pastry.  MELODY trips him and he lurches off SR.  There is a CRASH O.S.)

MELODY (CONT’D): You see?

VICKI: You tripped him!

MELODY: The floor is so slick, my foot slipped out before I could stop!  Would ten minutes be acceptable?

VICKI: I suppose.

MELODY: I knew the lady would understand because she is truly la grande vache!

VICKI: (Flattered) Oh, well, thank you.

MELODY: My pleasure!  I am sure it is obvious to all!

(MELODY crosses to Table 3, to HANK)

MELODY (CONT’D):  Where’s Lawrence?!

HANK:  In the men’s room!  But, he’s leaving!

MELODY:  I'll get him!

(MELODY starts out.  HANK jumps up and stops her)

HANK:  You can’t go in there!

MELODY:  Why not? (Realizes) Oh.  Then, you go.

HANK:  Right!

(HANK runs out SL.  MAITRE D' enters SR, covered in pastry.  MELODY crosses to him)

MELODY (CONT’D): Monsieur, what happened?!

MAITRE D’: I am not sure, but I will wager it had something to do with her-him!

(MAITRE D’ exits SR.  JACK stirs)

JACK: Hey, Honey, wake up.

BETTY LOU: (Stirs) Hmmmm...?

JACK: I had the weirdest dream.  Our waiter hit me with a tray.

BETTY LOU: Our waiter did hit you with a tray.

JACK: He did?  Why?

BETTY LOU: He didn’t have a fly swatter.

JACK: Was there a fly on my head?

BETTY LOU: No, just a big, hairy spider.

JACK: Oh, okay.

(JACK dozes, then realizes.  He cries out and leaps out onto the floor, frantically grasping at imaginary spiders)

BETTY LOU: What’s the matter?!

JACK: Call me an exterminator!

BETTY LOU: Okay.  You’re an exterminator.

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh, then JACK resumes spider-catching.  BETTY LOU gets up and tries to help.  They gesticulate wildly.  VICKI sees them)

VICKI: Hey, look, Jack’s dancing!  C’mon!

(VICKI pulls BOBBY on to the dance floor and they start to dance.  MELODY crosses to JACK and BETTY LOU)

MELODY: You’ve got to stop dancing!

JACK: I'm not dancing, I'm infested!  And so are you!

(JACK pulls MELODY’s mustache off)

JACK (CONT’D): Got it!  You’re lucky I... (Realizes) Hey, Mister, you look just like my fiancée!

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh.  MELODY whacks JACK with her tray and he slumps to the floor.  VICKI doesn’t notice)

BETTY LOU: Spider?

(MELODY smiles and nods.  Satisfied, BETTY LOU sinks to the floor beside JACK and dozes.  MELODY retrieves the mustache from JACK’s hand and puts it back on, then crosses to BOBBY and VICKI)

MELODY: Now, mademoiselle, if you don’t mind...

(MAITRE D’ enters, sans pastry, and rushes to MELODY)
 
MAITRE D’: You hit this man!  You are fired!

MELODY: Who will wait on the tables?

MAITRE D’: I will!  I used to be a waitress, you know!  Out!

(MELODY reluctantly exits SR.  BOBBY and VICKI dance DR.  MAITRE D’ starts toward JACK and BETTY LOU)

VICKI: Waiter!

(MAITRE D’ hesitates, then turns and crosses to Vicki) 

MAITRE D’: Oui, mademoiselle?

VICKI: Bring us something sinfully rich and gooey!

(MAITRE D' glances at JACK and BETTY LOU, then hurries off SR.  HANK and CB return to Table 3)

CB:  All right, Gilfooley, one last chance!
	
(HANK and CB sit, unnoticed by VICKI.  HANK looks around.  MAITRE D' returns, pushing a cart covered by a cloth.  On it are a large fluffy pie and a breadbasket.  As he passes Table 1, he glances at JACK and BETTY LOU, then stops at Table 2 and sets the pie on it)

MAITRE D’: (To VICKI) Voilà, mademoiselle, le spécialité de la maison!

(The cloth lifts and we see MELODY peer out from underneath.  The cloth falls back into place.  MAITRE D’ rolls the cart to Table 3, then sets the breadbasket on the table)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Here are the breadsticks and le toast de melba to tide you over.

(MAITRE D’ starts to leave.  HANK stops him)
HANK: Wait!  What happened to the other waiter?

MAITRE D’: I had to fire him!

(CB laughs.  MAITRE D' rolls the cart off SL.  As it clears Table 3, we see MELODY under the table)

CB: It looks like Chichester was just the screw-up I said she was!

(MELODY bites CB’s leg)

CB (CONT’D): Ooowwww!

(CB looks under the table)

CB (CONT’D): Chichester!

(MELODY stands and grabs CB by the nose) 

MELODY: That’s Miss Chichester!

CB: (Nasally) All right, all right, Miss Chichester!

(MELODY releases him)

HANK: We thought you were gone!

MELODY: I'm back, so get ready!

(CB doesn’t move.  MELODY reaches for his nose)

CB: All right, all right!

(HANK and CB get into position.  MAITRE D' returns.  He sees MELODY and rushes to her)

MAITRE D’: Vous again?!  I will throw you out myself!

(MAITRE D’ grabs MELODY and drags her SR.  As they pass Table 2, MELODY grabs the pie and shoves it into  MAITRE D’s face)

MAITRE D’ (CONT’D): Whhmphf!  I am calling the police!

(MAITRE D' runs off SR.  BOBBY and VICKI dance to CS.  MELODY frantically signals BOBBY.  He stops dancing) 

VICKI: What’s the matter?
BOBBY: Vicki, I want you to know...I like you.

VICKI: So you said.

BOBBY: Oh.  Did I say I think I love you?

VICKI: Yeah, but don’t stop.  I like hearing it.

BOBBY: Well, uh, do you...?

VICKI: And you want to know if I love you.  Well, I might as well confess...

(ANNIE bursts in SR, wearing a jacket)

ANNIE: Bobby?  Bobby, where are you?

BOBBY: (Surprised) Annie?

MELODY: (French accent) Mademoiselle, you cannot come in here!  Zis is a private party!

(ANNIE ignores her and crosses to BOBBY and VICKI)

VICKI: (Venomous) What are you doing here?!

ANNIE: (To BOBBY) For the last few hours, I couldn’t read a single couplet.

VICKI: (Sarcastic) You’re kidding.

ANNIE: I finally realized that, without you, Shakespeare has no meaning.

BOBBY: Really?

VICKI: Hold on, lover boy, you’re with me!

ANNIE: I think you can spare him for a moment!  After all, you and CB over there steal whatever you want whenever you want!

VICKI: I resent that!

BOBBY: Annie, why are you here?

ANNIE: I had to know for sure.

VICKI: You’re too late!  Bobby told me he loves me!

ANNIE: You did?

BOBBY: No! (Sees MELODY) I mean, yes!  I mean...
  
ANNIE: Bobby, do you love Vicki or not?

(BOBBY hesitates, then takes VICKI’s hand and looks into her eyes)

BOBBY: (Sings)
I love you, my darling, you know that I do
I love you, my darling, and will always be true
From now ‘til eternity comes into view
I love you, my darling, and I'll only love you

(ANNIE pauses, then runs out SR, brokenhearted)

VICKI: (Stunned) Bobby...I-I didn’t think you were serious.

BOBBY: Well, Vicki?  Do you love me?

(VICKI throws her arms around him) 

VICKI: Oh, with all my heart, the answer is...

(VICKI realizes)

BOBBY: Well?

(VICKI looks into BOBBY’s eyes) 

VICKI: Bobby, I have never loved anyone as much as... (Opens front) ...C. Bates Lawrence!

BOBBY: (Startled) What...?!

MELODY: (Startled) What...?!

(HANK leaps up)

HANK: (Startled) What...?!

JACK: (Stirs) What...?

BETTY LOU: (Wakes up) I don’t know, go back to sleep.

(JACK and BETTY LOU doze off.  CB stands and crosses to VICKI)

CB: I knew I could trust you!

VICKI: Batesy, you’re here?  I'm so embarrassed!

BOBBY: But, don’t you love me?

VICKI: You’ve got to be kidding!  What do you say to that?!

BOBBY: Thank goodness! (Calls off) Annie!

(BOBBY runs out SR)

CB: How about giving the Ol’ Admiral a hug?!

VICKI: I suppose.

(VICKI reluctantly hugs CB.  CB addresses MELODY)

CB: What’s the matter?  Cat got your tongue? (Laughs) Listen, if you don’t want to resign tomorrow morning, you don’t have to.  I doubt we’ll be up before noon anyway!

(CB laughs.  VICKI looks distressed.  They start out SR.  JACK and BETTY LOU stir.  BETTY LOU sees CB)

BETTY LOU: (To JACK) Hey, that guy’s kinda cute.

JACK: We’ve had too much to drink.  I think our waiter’s kinda cute!

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh and stand)

JACK (CONT’D): Whattaya say we go?  

BETTY LOU: Okay, but where you gonna find another waiter who’s your type?!

(JACK and BETTY LOU laugh and exit SR)

MELODY: (Stunned) I don’t believe it.

HANK: It was a good plan.

MELODY: Forget the plan!  I broke a promise.

HANK: What?

MELODY: I promised myself the show would succeed...and I was wrong.

HANK: Everybody has little failures.

MELODY: I don’t!

HANK: Nothing’s changed.  You’re Melody Chichester!   The whole world loves you!

MELODY: Maybe the world doesn’t know Melody Chichester as well as it thinks it does.

HANK: Come on, I'll take you home.

MELODY: No, there’s something I have to do first.

(They start out.  MAITRE D' enters SR, with a COP)

MAITRE D’: There he is, officer!  Arrest that man!

(The COP crosses to MELODY)

HANK: Hey, you can’t arrest him!

COP: Why not?

HANK: Because he’s not a him, he’s a her!

MAITRE D’: Not again!

(The COP peers at MELODY) 

COP: Hey, he’s right.  Do you still want me to arrest him?  Uh, her?

MAITRE D’: Of course!

HANK: I wouldn’t do that!  This is none other than Melody Chichester!

MAITRE D’: Oh, là là, you cannot be serious!

HANK: If you arrest her, think of the bad publicity for your restaurant!

MAITRE D’: Publicity...?! (To the COP) No, no, do not touch her!  We cannot have the name of Chez Chiemac’s besmirched!

HANK: A wise decision!  Shall we be going, Miss Chichester?

(MELODY and HANK start out SR)

MAITRE D’: It is an honor to meet you, Miss Chichester!  I am your biggest fan!

(MELODY freezes, then turns back to MAITRE D')

MELODY: Well...you can’t win ‘em all!

(MELODY and HANK exit SR)

END OF ACT TWO SCENE FIVE

ACT TWO SCENE SIX -- Annie’s apartment

(ANNIE enters, wearing the jacket and carrying a cardboard cup.  She slams the door, sets the cup down and flings off the jacket.  She picks up the Shakespeare book and starts to throw it, then sighs and sets it down.  There is a KNOCK at the door)

ANNIE: (Wary) Who is it?

BOBBY: (O.S.) It’s Bobby!

ANNIE: I have nothing to say to you!

BOBBY: I want to explain!

ANNIE: Go back to your true love!

(We hear the SOUND of climbing.  BOBBY appears at the transom) 

BOBBY: You’ve got to listen to me!

ANNIE: No, I don’t!  Not after what I saw tonight!

BOBBY: But, Annie...

ANNIE: Bobby, it’s over!  Finished!  We are... (Realizes) ...what are you standing on?

BOBBY: Not much of anything.  Why?

(BOBBY yells and falls out of sight with a THUD.  ANNIE rushes to the door and opens it.  BOBBY is sitting in a heap, rubbing his head)

ANNIE: Are you all right?

BOBBY: I-I think so.

ANNIE: Good!

(ANNIE slams the door shut)

BOBBY: (O.S.) C’mon, Annie, open the door!  Please?

ANNIE: No!

BOBBY: I'll climb back up!

ANNIE: (Gives in) No, don’t do that.

(ANNIE opens the door reluctantly.  BOBBY is shaken.  ANNIE helps him to a chair, then hangs his jacket on a coat rack)

ANNIE (CONT’D): Now, what could you possibly say that would make me let you stay?

BOBBY: What you saw, it was all wrong!

ANNIE: I'll say!

BOBBY: You don’t know the whole story!

ANNIE: What did I miss?  There’s the part where you dumped me for Little Mary Sunspots, not to mention the part where you publicly humiliated me!  Oh, did I mention the part where you lied when you said you love me?!

BOBBY: That wasn’t a lie.

ANNIE: I see.  I love you is a generic speech.  An ice-breaker you use with every woman you meet!

BOBBY: I do love you!

ANNIE: For ten minutes!   Then it’ll be someone else’s turn!

BOBBY: No, listen... (Stands and sings)
I love you, my darling, you know that I do
I love you, my darling, and will always be true
From now ‘til eternity comes into view...

ANNIE: Forget it, pal, you already spun that platter!  Out!

BOBBY: But, Annie, I...

ANNIE: Out, out, out!

(ANNIE forces BOBBY out the door)

BOBBY: Can’t we...

ANNIE: No, we can’t!

(ANNIE slams the door.   She spots the Shakespeare book.  She picks it up, then drops it in a wastebasket.  There is another KNOCK)

ANNIE (CONT’D): (Sighs) I told you to go away!

(ANNIE yanks the door open.  MELODY is there, sans wig and mustache, wearing an overcoat)

MELODY: No, I don’t think you did.

(MELODY enters.  ANNIE shuts the door)

ANNIE: I thought you were someone else.
  
MELODY: Bobby?

ANNIE: How’d you know?

MELODY: I just saw him.  He looked miserable.

ANNIE: He deserves to be miserable!

MELODY: (Plays along) Why, what did he do?

ANNIE: He dumped me for Vicki!

MELODY: No!

ANNIE: I caught them in the clinch and he told her he loves her!  Right in front of me!

MELODY: Right in front of you?  Shameful!

ANNIE: What’s worse, he sang it to her!  And I thought I was the only one he’s allergic to, that rat!

MELODY: You were standing right there.

ANNIE: Y-yes, but he was looking at her!

MELODY: So, you figure he doesn’t love you, he loves Vicki.

ANNIE: If you’d been there, you’d know!

MELODY: I was there.

(MELODY opens her coat to reveal the waiter’s outfit)

MELODY (CONT’D): (With a French accent) You cannot come in here!  Zis is a private party!

ANNIE: That was you?

MELODY: Zat...I mean, that was me.  It was a shot to save the show.

ANNIE: And Bobby was in on it?

MELODY: He was the bait.  We were trying to trick Vicki into saying she loved him.  

ANNIE: What...?

MELODY: I had to twist his arm.  He was afraid you’d get hurt.

ANNIE: Did it work?

MELODY: Vicki realized Lawrence was there and she knew it was a trap.

ANNIE: (Realizes) I told her he was there!  Oh, Melody, I'm sorry!

MELODY: Don’t you apologize, that’s my job!  Lawrence only agreed on the condition that, if it didn’t work, we’d all drop out of the show.

ANNIE: We?

MELODY: Jack and Bobby and me...and you.

ANNIE: I have to quit the show?

MELODY: I'm sorry, Annie.  Can you forgive me?

(ANNIE starts to laugh)

MELODY (CONT’D): What’s so funny?

ANNIE: With Vicki in the lead, the show is dead meat.  I wanted to break my contract, but I couldn’t come up with anything short of murder!  This solves everything!

MELODY: (Laughs) Attagirl, Annie!

ANNIE: This’ll make it easier on Bobby.  Now, he won’t have to... (Realizes) ...Bobby!  He’s out there all alone!

MELODY: Go after him.

ANNIE: (Hesitant) Melody...I do love him.  I just wish he wouldn’t burst into song when he’s with me!  If he’d only burst into Shakespeare now and then!

(MELODY notices the Shakespeare book in the wastebasket.  She fishes it out)

MELODY: If that’s his only fault, grab him while you can!

ANNIE: You’re right!  I'm going after him!

(ANNIE puts on her jacket.   MELODY sets the book down)
  
MELODY: That’s the ticket, Annie!  Bring him back alive!

(MELODY pulls the door open.  BOBBY is in the forward motion of knocking and falls into the room.  ANNIE runs to him) 

ANNIE: Bobby!  Oh, he’s shivering!  Grab that cup!

(ANNIE helps BOBBY to a chair.  MELODY gets the cup)

ANNIE (CONT’D): Bobby, you’re freezing!

BOBBY: I got home, but I forgot my jacket and I came back to get it so I wouldn’t freeze on my way home.

MELODY: You got home, then you came back...?  And people said my character was loony!

(MELODY shakes her head and hands the cup to ANNIE)

ANNIE: Here.

(ANNIE hands the cup to BOBBY.  He sips)

BOBBY: Cocoa!  With little marshmallows!

ANNIE: It’s your favorite.

MELODY: I’ll be going.  I have a lot of thinking to do.

ANNIE: Thanks, Melody.

(MELODY smiles, then exits)

BOBBY: I'm sorry to be a bother.  I'll leave...as soon as I can feel my legs!

ANNIE: You don’t have to leave.

BOBBY: (Surprised) I don’t?

ANNIE: I'm sorry I didn’t trust you.  

BOBBY: Then, you do love me?

ANNIE: Love you?  Why... (Sings)
I love you, my darling, you know that I do
I love you, my darling, and will always be true...

(ANNIE sits beside BOBBY.  He puts the cup down and sings with her)

ANNIE and BOBBY:
From now ‘til eternity comes into view
I love you, my darling, and I'll only love you

(ANNIE and BOBBY kiss)

BOBBY: Let’s set the date!

ANNIE: Hey, slow down!

BOBBY: But, you love me!

ANNIE: And you love me!  But, marriage, that’s a big step!

BOBBY: If that’s how you feel...

(BOBBY stands) 

ANNIE: Bobby, don’t be upset.

(ANNIE stands.  BOBBY kneels, then takes her hand)

BOBBY: And, therefore, Kate, take this of me, Kate of my consolation, hearing thy mildness prais’d in every town, thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded, yet not so deeply as to thee belongs - myself am moved to woo thee for my wife.

ANNIE: (Stunned) That...that’s Shakespeare.

BOBBY: (Surprised) It is...?   

ANNIE: Act two, scene one, The Taming of the Shrew!  Oh, yes, Bobby, I will marry you!

BOBBY: You will...?!

(BOBBY stands and they embrace)

ANNIE: We need to celebrate!  Let’s paint the town red!

BOBBY: I-I don’t think that’s legal.

ANNIE (Laughs) C’mon!

(They run out and pull the door shut)

ANNIE (CONT’D): (O.S.) Bobby, you forgot your jacket again!

(BOBBY enters.  He gets his jacket and starts out, then stops and addresses us)

BOBBY: I know what you’re wondering...

(BOBBY looks around, then)

BOBBY (CONT’D): Act one, scene five...Kiss Me, Kate.

(BOBBY grins sheepishly and exits)

END OF ACT TWO SCENE SIX

ACT TWO SCENE SEVEN -- Backstage at the Kubelsky Theatre on Broadway

(CUBBY is setting up.  HANK enters)

HANK: Why are you here so early?

CUBBY: I came in to set up.  I like the theatre when it’s quiet like this.

HANK: I hope we get to see it again.  Melody and the others are dropping out.

CUBBY: Oh, no...

HANK: Lawrence is taking the show in a new direction.  Straight down.  Well, finish your work, Cubby, even if it’s for the last time.

CUBBY: (Sadly) Yes, Mr. Gilfooley.

(CUBBY exits.  JACK and BETTY LOU enter)

JACK: Good morning, Hank!  Isn’t it a lovely day?

HANK: Why are you so cheery?  CB’s coming for your resignation!

JACK: Into every life a little rain must fall.  Hey, you haven’t seen Betty Lou yet.

BETTY LOU: Hank, it’s good to see you again.

HANK: I'm sorry I'm not more cordial, but we’re in the final throes of a crisis here.

BETTY LOU: If you want my opinion...

HANK: Thanks, but Broadway’s changed a lot in thirty years.

BETTY LOU: It’s still a business and that’s something I'm fairly familiar with.

JACK: You’d be surprised at what she has to say.

(MELODY enters, unnoticed)

HANK: Jack, I'd be more apt to take your advice if you hadn’t left us in the lurch last night!

JACK: Time just slipped away.

(MELODY comes forward)

MELODY: That’s your excuse?!  Time slipped away?!

JACK: I know what you’re thinking...

MELODY: No, I don’t think so!  You may have a rough idea, but you couldn’t begin to guess all the explicit details!

JACK: You’re still the same!  You wouldn’t let me explain in 1950 and you won’t let me explain now!  Well, maybe I'll just wait another thirty years, then invite you to dinner and a re-match!

MELODY: Don’t worry about waiting for the time to pass!  I'm sure it’ll just slip away!

BETTY LOU: Melody, Jack!  I didn’t want you to fight!

MELODY: Did you think I'd just wish you luck and send you on your merry way?!

HANK: That’s enough!  CB’ll be here any moment, let’s at least look united!

MELODY: (Reluctant) All right.

HANK: Good!  Jack?

JACK: There’s something I want to say...

HANK: Save it for later!

JACK: Fine, I won’t say another word!

HANK: Good!

MELODY: (Beat) That’ll be the day.

JACK: Oh, hell’s bells!

HANK: Melody!

MELODY: I'm sorry, I couldn’t resist.

JACK: Of course, you couldn’t resist!  Your credo is “When you see a poor defenseless bug, crush it!”

MELODY: How about your credo?  “When you see a poor, defenseless bug, sleep with it!”

(MELODY and JACK argue.  VICKI enters)

VICKI: Well, well, plotting another coup?

(MELODY and JACK quiet)

HANK: Vicki, you can’t do this, it’s professional suicide!

VICKI: (Smiles) Batesy’s loaded.  He can produce shows for me any time I want!

BETTY LOU: Lady, you should be arrested for acting under assumed talent with the intent to commit melodramatic mediocrity!

VICKI: Who are you?!

MELODY: Betty Lou, we can fight our own battles.

BETTY LOU: This is my battle, too.  I'm not in this cast, but there are some wonderful memories I don’t want to see ruined by this, for lack of a more obscene term, actress!

VICKI: I want you outta here!

BETTY LOU: Make me go!

CB: (O.S.) Vicki?  Where are you?

VICKI: (Smiles) I'll make you go!  That’s the producer and he does whatever I tell him!

(CB enters.  VICKI rushes to him)

VICKI (CONT’D): Batesy, throw her out!

(CB doesn’t notice BETTY LOU yet) 

CB: Melody?  I intend to!

VICKI: Not Melody...her!

(VICKI points at BETTY LOU.  CB sees her)

CB: (Startled) Betty Lou...?!

BETTY LOU: Hello, Batesy.
VICKI: Where do you get off calling him Batesy?!

BETTY LOU: I was calling him Batesy before you first bleached your hair.

VICKI: (To CB) Who is this nobody?!

CB: Don’t call her that.

VICKI: Why not?! (Realizes) You’re not in love with her, are you?!

CB: Of course not!  But...she is my wife.

VICKI: (Startled) What...?!

MELODY: You’re married to CB?!

BETTY LOU: Actually, he’s married to me.

JACK: (Gloats, to Melody) I tried to tell you.

HANK: You and...CB?

BETTY LOU: For twenty-five years.  My father owned a business in Savannah and expected me to take over, but I was starry-eyed and ran off to New York.  Daddy was furious, but we compromised.  I'd stay for the run of the show, then go home.  But, I figured if I got married, he’d have to let me stay.

MELODY: (Realizes) Jack!

BETTY LOU: (Smiles) We were just friends, but things got a little out of hand.

MELODY: I guess they did!

HANK: How’d you meet CB?

BETTY LOU: At a convention.  A week later, we were married.  But, it didn’t take long to realize he was only after my money.

CB: Betty Lou!

BETTY LOU: Now, Batesy, it’s no secret.  Eventually, he got bored and began having little...dalliances.

CB: Betty Lou!
BETTY LOU: Hush, Batesy!  Am I telling this story or are you?  Where was I?

HANK: Dalliances.

BETTY LOU: Oh, that’s right.  They bothered me, but as long as he came home, I tolerated them.

MELODY: You did?

BETTY LOU: Until recently.  He began to stray more and more.  I figured producing Vaguely Flourishing would keep him busy.  The hard part was not stepping in when he replaced you, Melody.  But, then I got an anonymous phone call.

(BETTY LOU glances at VICKI)

BETTY LOU (CONT’D): It seems my husband was being less than faithful.  When I learned his latest conquest was Miss No-Talent Frobisher here, I jumped on the next plane to New York!

CB: I thought you were in Albuquerque.

BETTY LOU: I wanted to be incognito.

CB: You never interfered before in one of my... (Embarrassed) ...dalliances.

BETTY LOU: Dalliances?  Forget the dalliances, I'm a businesswoman!  I am not about to sit back and watch you pour my money down the drain! (To VICKI) No offense intended... (Beat) ...Drain!

CB: So, I have to drop Vicki from the show?

BETTY LOU: No.

CB: (Surprised) I don’t?

HANK: He don’t...?!

BETTY LOU: This is Batesy’s show.  He can run it as he pleases.

VICKI: Thank goodness!

BETTY LOU: Of course, if it flops, I’ll have to replace him next season.

CB: (Startled) Replace me?

VICKI: (Desperate) We can make it work, Batesy!  What do you say?  Just you and me?

(VICKI coyly adjusts her stockings.  CB is enamored)

CB: Vicki, you’re still in the show!

VICKI: I am?!

HANK: She am...?!

VICKI: Oh, Batesy, that’s why you’re the only man I'll ever love!

CB: I’m glad you feel that way.  I hope you won’t mind playing the maid.

VICKI: The maid...?!

CB: Melody, I was too stupid to appreciate you before, but would you do me the honor of becoming my Roberta?

MELODY: What, do you want to cast me or marry me?

HANK: Melody!

MELODY: What about Jack and Annie and Bobby?

CB: Everyone!  You’re all back in the show!

(All but VICKI celebrate)

HANK: Vicki, I assume you won’t play the maid.  It would be quite a step down.

VICKI: (Beat) I'll do it.

HANK: (Disappointed) You will...?

VICKI: I've started at the bottom before.  It shouldn’t take long to work my way back up.

HANK: (Exasperated) Here we go again!

(ANNIE and BOBBY enter)

BOBBY: Hi, everyone!  We stopped for breakfast.

MELODY: (Hopeful) Does this mean...?

ANNIE: We’re engaged!

(There are congratulations from all but VICKI)

VICKI: I hope you’ll be happy, Bobby, but you are marrying Annie.

ANNIE: Vicki, not even you can upset me today.

BOBBY: Guess who we met at the coffee shop!

MELODY: Who?

BOBBY: Harold Prince!  Harold Prince told me I could audition for his next musical!

HANK: Hal Prince, really?

ANNIE: Bobby was thrilled.  Harold Prince is his idol.

MELODY: You’ve had quite a morning.

VICKI: Excuse me, but did you say Harold Prince?  As in Harold Prince, the famous Broadway producer?

BOBBY: That’s him!

VICKI: And he’s at the coffee shop right now?

BOBBY: Right now!

VICKI: Uh, Batesy, it seems I won’t be playing the maid after all.

CB: You’re leaving me?

VICKI: Sorry, Admiral, the fleet just came in!

(CB is downcast.  VICKI starts out, then turns back)

VICKI (CONT’D): Oh, Annie?  As you continue up the ladder of success, watch behind you.  I'm gonna be right there, shaking it.

ANNIE: (Smiles) Only if it’s mounted on your bed.

(VICKI exits in a huff.  Everyone except CB laughs)

ANNIE (CONT’D): So long, Showstopper!

HANK: Touché, Annie!

BOBBY: I don’t get it.

ANNIE: I'll explain it later.  On our honeymoon!

BOBBY: Now, that I get!

MELODY: Annie, we got our jobs back!

HANK: Annie, Bobby, this is Betty Lou, CB’s wife.

BETTY LOU: I have a whole season planned for next year and, Annie, you know what part you’d be perfect for?

ANNIE: (Wary) What?

BETTY LOU: The lead in...oh, I forgot the name.  You know, the Scottish play?

ANNIE: The Scottish play?!  Thank you, Betty Lou, I've dreamed of this all my life!

BETTY LOU: Now, I remember!  Brigadoon!

(ANNIE stiffens)

BETTY LOU (CONT’D): Annie?  What’s wrong?

BOBBY: She’s a little stunned.  She hates comedy.

BETTY LOU: The only show that isn’t a comedy is some dusty old Shakespearean chestnut, but you wouldn’t want to play Lady MacBeth, would you?

(ANNIE shakes herself back to life)

HANK: I think you hit a nerve!

BETTY LOU: Annie, are you all right?

ANNIE: Bobby, did you hear?

BOBBY: I heard!  Congratulations!

(ANNIE and BOBBY embrace)

MELODY: Annie, when you get married, will you add Bobby’s name or will you stick with Carothers?

ANNIE: Actually, Carothers is my stage name.  My real name is Goetscher.  [Pronounced Getcher]

MELODY: (Laughs) What...?

ANNIE: What’s so funny?

MELODY: I'm sorry, but after you‘re married, you’re gonna be Mrs. Annie Goetscher Gunn!

ANNIE: What...?

(Everyone laughs, except ANNIE, BOBBY and CB)

HANK: Did you hear that?  Annie Goetscher Gunn!

ANNIE: (Wails) No!  Noooooooo!

(ANNIE stalks out)

BOBBY: Annie, don’t be upset!  All’s well that ends well!

(BOBBY runs after ANNIE)

MELODY: Poor Annie!

HANK: Poor Bobby!  He’ll never hear the end of it!

BETTY LOU: (To CB) Well, time to go.

CB: (Surprised) You want me back?

BETTY LOU: Batesy, you can always come back.

CB: I don’t know what to say.  No, wait, I do!  Betty Lou Lawrence, from this day on, you will be my only dalliance!

(CB offers his arm)

CB (CONT’D): Shall we away?

BETTY LOU: Away without me for a moment, I want to say good-bye.

CB: Don’t keep me waiting!  I'm a new man, ready for a new woman!  Ta-ta, all!

(CB exits with a flourish)

BETTY LOU: My husband’s been spending too much time around the theatre!  I better catch up before it wears off!  Jack, last night was so special.  You were the first man I loved, even if you didn’t love me.

JACK: Betty Lou...

BETTY LOU: It’s okay, I always knew there was only one woman for you.  You looked at me, but you saw Melody.  And I spent the last thirty years feeling guilty because I broke up the Sweethearts of Broadway!

JACK: You shouldn’t have, it was inevitable.

BETTY LOU: Well, I decided one day I’d reunite you and here you are.

MELODY: You set this up to get us together?

BETTY LOU: (Smiles) That’s right!

JACK: Well, thanks for trying.

(JACK kisses BETTY LOU.  BETTY LOU turns to MELODY)

BETTY LOU: It looks like the best woman won.

MELODY: You’re right.  Congratulations.

BETTY LOU: What...?

MELODY: The best woman is the one who didn’t waste her life chasing dreams.

BETTY LOU: But, you had it all, from Broadway to television immortality!

MELODY: With nothing in between.  Nothing that lasts, that is.  Of course, I don’t think I could be as tolerant of CB as you are!

BETTY LOU: Well, he is awfully good at playing The Admiral and the War Orphan!

(Everyone laughs)

MELODY: Do you think he’ll stay faithful now?

BETTY LOU: No, but he oughta be good for two, maybe three weeks!

(BETTY LOU starts out, then stops)

BETTY LOU (CONT’D): Of course, three weeks can be a lifetime to a war orphan!  Bye, all!  

(BETTY LOU waves and exits)

HANK: Jack, I can see what attracted you to her. (Notices MELODY) Uh, not that Jack was ever really attracted to her.  Hey, I've got to go, we need a new Carlotta! (Misty-eyed) It’s good to have you back.  The Sweethearts of Broadway!

(HANK hurries off.  There is an awkward pause)

JACK: I'm not sure what to say.

MELODY: It’s like the end of a movie where the boy and girl kiss and make up.

JACK: (Laughs) Yeah, that’s it.

(Another awkward pause) 

MELODY: I'm sorry I thought you were having a fling.

JACK: I should’ve told you who she was, but I wasn’t in the best shape at the restaurant. (Beat) At least, I think I was at the restaurant.

(MELODY and JACK laugh, then pause again)

JACK (CONT’D): So, Lord Olivier, where do we go from here?

MELODY: For the last few hours, I didn’t think there was much chance of us going anywhere.

JACK: We have the run of the show to decide.

MELODY: And it’s not 1950 anymore, we’re not a couple of kids waiting to be discovered.

JACK: No sitcoms being dangled in front of us now.

MELODY: Well, there is, but I'm not wild about it.  It’s set in this sports bar in Boston and I'd play a waitress named Carla or something, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be second banana to...
JACK: Excuse me, but the point I’m making is we’re older and can make better decisions.

MELODY: And that’s the point I’m making.  How I thought through an offer and made a decision!

JACK: There you go again!  Changing us to you!  You can’t think in terms of we, can you?!

MELODY: Me?!  You’d have let the show fold so you wouldn’t have to work with me!

JACK: You decided I'd quit without asking me!

MELODY: I assumed you’d agree!

JACK: You always assume!

MELODY: Now, it’s my fault again!

JACK: I can’t believe I loved you!

MELODY: I can’t believe I wanted to marry you!

JACK: I'd rather die!

MELODY: You will, pal, on stage!  You are going to eat my dust!

JACK: The only dust you’ll see is what settles on you while you wait for my ovations to end!

MELODY: Don’t you mean, while I wait for them, period?!  But, I'm not sure I want to lower myself to work with you again!

JACK: That’s fine with me!

MELODY: Yeah?  With me, too!

JACK: Fine!

MELODY: Fine!

(MELODY and JACK glare at each other, then grab each other in a passionate embrace and kiss wildly)

MELODY (CONT’D): Oh, Jack!

JACK: It’s good to have you back!
MELODY: I missed you so much!

JACK: Let’s get married!

MELODY: Right away!

(MELODY and JACK embrace again.  MELODY reaches into her pocket and produces the ringbox)

MELODY (CONT’D): Jack, I've still got it!

JACK: You sure do, baby!

MELODY: No, look!

JACK: Your engagement ring?

(JACK takes the ring from the box)

JACK (CONT’D): Here, let me do it right!

(JACK gets down on one knee and puts the ring on MELODY’s finger)

JACK (CONT’D): Melody Chichester...will you marry me?

(MELODY giggles.  JACK looks at her, then laughs)

JACK (CONT’D): I never could get that right, could I?

MELODY: Your ad-libs are still pathetic!

(They laugh.  JACK stands)

MELODY (CONT’D): You know it would never work, don’t you?

JACK: (Grins) Yeah, I know.

MELODY: Let’s stay friends.  Instead of thirty years, we’ll see each other regularly.

JACK: Say, every ten or fifteen?

MELODY: (Laughs) Perfect!  No pressure coming up with small talk!

(They laugh.  MELODY takes the ring off and puts it in the box)

MELODY (CONT’D): Maybe next time.

JACK: You really are the only one I ever loved.

MELODY: I feel the same way.

JACK: You do?

MELODY: Sure.  I'm the only one I ever loved, too.

JACK: (Surprised) What...?!

MELODY: I was kidding!  It was a joke!

JACK: No, a joke is when we both laugh!  You were...

(They argue.  CUBBY enters)

CUBBY: Places, everybody!  Places!

(The ENSEMBLE filters in and moves to places)

MELODY: (Surprised) Places?  Already?

JACK: We’d better get moving!

MELODY: See you on stage!

(MELODY and JACK exit.  CUBBY looks around wildly)

CUBBY: Hey, has anybody seen our new Carlotta?!

(CUBBY races off.  The ENSEMBLE freezes in position for the “opening scene.”  The “backstage” lights fade and there is a DRUM ROLL)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Kubelsky Theatre is pleased to welcome back those Sweethearts of Broadway... (Bigger DRUM ROLL) ...Mr. Jack Trimble and Miss Melody Chichester!  

(We hear tumultuous APPLAUSE.  The “main curtain” rises and the “stage lights” fade up.  There is a bench DL.  MELODY enters DR and JACK enters DL, only they are now in their eighties.  Each carries a script.  JACK spots MELODY)

JACK: Melody?  Melody, is that you?

MELODY: Who said that?

JACK: It’s me!  Jack!

(They meet DC)

MELODY: Why, it’s Jack, isn’t it?!

JACK: It’s good to see you again!  How long has it been?

MELODY: Thirty years!  You look wonderful!

JACK: You haven’t changed a bit!

MELODY: Time’s been good to me.  It gave me cataracts so I can’t see how I really look!

(They laugh)

JACK: I missed you.

MELODY: I missed you, too.

JACK: We should have gotten married. (Beat) You don’t suppose...

MELODY: Forget it, too late!

JACK: (Sighs) It’s all the fault of that darned Bonnie Lou!

MELODY: Bonnie?  I thought her name was Betty.

JACK: Oh, oh, that’s right, Betty.  Betty Jo.

MELODY: The girl you were ga-ga over was Betty Sue!

JACK: I was the one who was ga-ga, you’d think I'd know her name!

MELODY: You’d think!

JACK: And I wasn’t ga-ga, we were just friends!

MELODY: Siamese twins aren’t so close!

JACK: You always have to be right, don’t you, Melvinetta?

MELODY: Of course not!  And my name’s not Melvinetta!

JACK: Ha!  There, see?!  Just my point!
MELODY: At least get my name right!

(They argue.  HANK and CUBBY enter)

HANK: Look at them, Cubby.  Some things never change.

CUBBY: I wouldn’t know, Mr. Gilfooley.

HANK: (Surprised) What...?  Oh, that’s right, I forgot.  Hearing them argue is like music to my ears.  Your father and your grandfather would have understood.

(CUBBY addresses MELODY and JACK)

CUBBY: Mr. Gilfooley’s ready to start the rehearsal.

(MELODY and JACK quiet.  CUBBY moves the bench to DCL, then exits)

HANK: We’ll start with the park scene.

(MELODY and JACK sit on the bench, facing US)

HANK (CONT’D): Okay, Roberta and Charlie have just learned about Baxter and the Contessa and must decide what to tell Jane.  Jack, take it from Charlie’s line, “Why get excited?   It’s only a small diamond mine.”

(There is no response)

HANK (CONT’D): We’re ready, Jack, you can start now.

(No response)

HANK (CONT’D): Melody, nudge Jack.  I think he fell asleep.

(No response)

HANK (CONT’D): Melody?  Melody...? (Beat) Cubby!

(CUBBY runs in.  In pantomime, HANK sends him to check on MELODY and JACK.  CUBBY touches MELODY and her script slips to the floor.  CUBBY rushes to HANK and whispers in his ear.  HANK’s eyes widen and he throws up his hands.  He gets an idea and drags CUBBY off.  We hear a DRUM ROLL, then)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Kubelsky Theatre is pleased to present the sixtieth anniversary production of Vaguely Flourishing, starring those new Sweethearts of Broadway... (Bigger DRUM ROLL) ...Miss Annie Carothers and Mr. Bobby Gunn!

(An older ANNIE and BOBBY “enter” the “onstage scene” and take their bows, facing US, to the “audience.”  We hear tumultuous APPLAUSE as the lights fade to black and the curtain falls)

END OF PLAY