Soapy When Wet
Episode One "The Pilot."
By TC Taylor
Created by TC Taylor
FIRST DRAFT

Cast

Vinny Krocel - Dr. Dick Wiser (In 30's)
James Homer - Mr. Herber Cross (In 30's)
Cork MacDugel - Fredrick the Hobo (In 20's)
Rebecca Ione - Diane Cross (In 30's)
Flower Grayson - Jade Talon (In teens)
Karen Martin - Flo (In 30's)
Jessica Kade - Angel Apple (In 20's)
Jamal Harrison - Jake Wiser (In teens)
Harry Koren (In 40's)
Peter Banks (In 30's)
Roger Banks (In 30's)
Guy Luberman (In 20's)
Jesse Claymore (In 20's)

A B-Movie actor gets a second chance to act by staring in a soap opera.  Him and the other actors will learn more about each other and find out that their life is like a soap opera.

FADE IN:

EXT. - OUTSIDE A MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

It's raining and there is a view of a movie poster for the movie "Sitting Man." with Vinny Krocel's Picture on it, it is quickly torn down.  The view moves over to a man sitting in a box, the camera zooms in towards his face, his looks up.  It is Vinny Krocel.

VINNY
I have nothing after my last movie flopped.  I wanted to just do it myself, all by myself.  I was the writer, director, and the star.  But the Sitting Man just didn't click with others.

There is a hobo sitting beside Vinny.  He is asleep, then wakes up and looks to Vinny.

HOBO
I don't give a crap what you are, or what you did, for the last time, shut up you old fool.

OPENING CREDITS

Credits roll while a shorter version of "Not Myself" by John Mayer plays

CUT TO:

INT. - TV STATION - DAY

A group of men are sitting around a table talking.  They are Harry, Kenny, and Jamie Koren, the Heads of the Big Shot TV Station

KENNY
I think we should do a nice show about a man and his family.

JAMIE
The father a comedian?

KENNY
How did you know?

HARRY
That is so over done Kenny.

KENNY
We need a new show for the lunch time line up.

HARRY
A soap opera!!!

KENNY
You're talking about over done...gosh!

HARRY
A soap opera can get so big that it could run for years and years.

JAMIE
I say we start this little project that Harry want.

The three men shake hands and leave the board room.

CUT TO:

EXT. - CAFE - DAY

Harry Koren is sitting with a business man eatting lunch.  They are outside under an umbrella.  The business man is Roger Henlin, a producer.

HARRY
I want to do a soap opera Roger.

Roger coughs some as he takes a bite from a sandwich then spits it back out.

ROGER
A soap opera Harry!!

HARRY
Yes, I want to do a soap opera.

ROGER
There is no way I want anything to do with a soap opera Harry.  There is no money in it for me.

HARRY
There are some things in life you must take a shot at and risk some things Rog.

Roger takes a sip of his drink.

ROGER
I, Mr. Koren, am not a risk taker.

HARRY
There should be no risk, all soap operas make a large sum of money.

Harry sips his drink.

ROGER
Give me a run down of the story.

HARRY
There is no story at the moment.

ROGER
Then, any stars?

HARRY
I have a grat actor in mind.

ROGER
Who?

Roger is at the egde of his seat wanting to know who he has in mind, Harry has a smirk on his face.  The two eat some and take a couple of sips from their drinks before Harry says anything about the actor.

HARRY
I want to cast Vinny Krocel in it.

ROGER
What the hell are you thinking Harry, that B-movie actor.

HARRY
Yeah, I want him to play a big character in the soap.

ROGER
I trust you Harry, I love you like a brother, so lets set this thing up, show an episode then tell me how it does.  But no Vinny Krocel.

The two men shake hands and leave.

CUT TO:

INT. - CASTING ROOM - DAY

A group of men and women are sitting in chairs and singing and doing pactice on some lines.  They all hold a one page script, one part for a man and a woman.  One man sits with a glass of water and a lemon, he sucks the lemon then drinks the water, then repeats.  Harry and Jamie sit in some chairs in the corner of the room.

HARRY
So who all are we casting today?

JAMIE
Dr. Wiser, Diane, the hobo character, and Jade.

HARRY
What we looking for in the Wiser character.

JAMIE
I see a leading man, strong type, with a big personallty.

HARRY
Diane?

JAMIE
Blond, big breast, green eyes.

HARRY
Your dream woman eh James?

JAMIE
Yep.

HARRY
Hobo?

JAMIE
Someone who might be a good advice giver.

HARRY
Why do we always make hobo advice people?

JAMIE
Works in everything.

HARRY
And this Jade?

JAMIE
Nice teen girl.

HARRY
Ok guys get ready!  Time to pick the first of the cast!

Everyone in the room starts to move together to get ready to say their lines and hope to be picked to play a part.

JAMIE
We are looking for a Jade, female, around the ages of 16 and 18.

A man dressed as a woman walks up towards Harry and Jamie, he looks about 32 years old.

CROSS DRESSER MAN
Hiya boys, Jade here, ready to read my lines.

JAMIE
We can't deny anyone Harry, he can try, but I doubt he'll get the part.

The man lifts the script to his face and places on some glasses.

CROSS DRESSER MAN
Dr. Wiser!  Dr. Wiser!  Quick, I think I might be dying!

He puts the script down and removes the glasses.

CROSS DRESSER MAN (CONT.)
So how was it?

HARRY
Not to hurt your feelings, but that was so terrible I don't think I will be able to eat anything without seeing you reading your lines in slow motion.

JAMIE
Next please.

Many girls come and go as they try for the part of Jade.  Most of the girls are way older than the part.  One young redheaded hippie type girl about 17 steps up to say the lines.

HARRY
Name?

FLOWER
My name is Flower Grayson.

JAMIE
Very interesting name.

FLOWER
Thank you.

HARRY
Read your lines Flower, you look like an actress.

FLOWER
Ummm...ok.

JAMIE
Good luck!

FLOWER
Dr. Wiser!  Dr. Wiser!  Quick, I think I might be dying!

HARRY
You have what it takes but we still need to give the other girls a chance.

Flowers leaves the room with her head down, her eyes water like she is going to cry.

CUT TO:

EXT. - ALLY - DAY

Flower walks out of a side door crying and throws the one page script down.  She begins to run but trips over something.  She looks back and see Vinny Krocel asleep in a box, his legs hanging out.

VINNY
Yo!  Watch it, sleeping here.

FLOWER
Wait a tick!  You're Vinny, Vinny Krocel!

VINNY
You know me?

FLOWER
That and your names on your box, lots of boxes taken around here huh.

VINNY
Yeah, shup up.

FLOWER
I loved your movie.

VINNY
The one that failed.

FLOWER
No the one that made millions so you're living in a box researching for your next roll.

VINNY
You're a smart ass, but I like that.

Vinny gets up and dusts himself off.

VINNY (CONT.)
How old are you, 20?

FLOWER
17, you?

Vinny looks around and then starts on a new subject.

VINNY
What brings you here?

FLOWER
I wanted a part in a soap, to start my career.

VINNY
A soap?  Not a bad place to start.

FLOWER
Need a place to stay?

VINNY
As long as it's not jail.

CUT TO:

INT. - SET OF SOAP - DAY

A tall black man stands with the cast and crew of the new soap he is Issac Jones.  Flower isn't there.  They pose for pictures.  Harry and Roger are there too.

ISSAC
Here I am, the most craptastic roll of my life.  Dr. Dick Wiser, in 'The Beautiful, Wise, and Passionful.'

Harry walks to Issac.

HARRY
Yo yo yo Issac my hommie! Waddup?!

Issac looks at Harry with an evil eye.

ISSAC
I grew up in the suburbs, I never lived in LA, and I do not want to be talked to like a 12-year-old boy with a taste for Rap.

HARRY
I'm so sorry Mr. Jones, it will never happen again.

ROGER
So, how does it feel being Dr. Dick Wiser?

ISSAC
Ah man, it is Dicktastic!!

ROGER
Thats the Dick we want!

HARRY
Go out and be all the Dick you can be!

ISSAC
Yeah, thanks guys for being such Dicks.

Issac walks away laughing.  Roger and Harry just smile some and look at each other.

HARRY
Was he making fun of--

ROGER 
Who cares...

CUT TO:

INT. - SET OF SOAP - DAY

Issac is doing his scene that involves him talking to himself.  Issac is in his doctor's uniform and is standing over a dead body, it is Diane/Rebecca Ione.

ISSAC
Why Diane...why did you have to die.  Now I have to dump your body off by the dock to not let anyone see I failed.

Issac walks away towards another camera with his face in a close-up with the view of Diane's dead body in the background.

ISSAC (CONT.)
I can never let Herber ever know me and his wife were having a relationship together.  What will I do?

Rebecca who is the roll of Diane sits up on the doctors table.

REBECCA
Dick!

ISSAC
Diane!!

Issac turns around to look at Rebecca.

REBECCA
I'm going to have your baby.

ISSAC
My God!

The Director sits behind the camera.  He is Peter Banks.

PETER
Cut, and print.

Issac walks off set and pass Peter.

ISSAC
No one says 'and print' anymore Peter, what am I working with, a circus?

REBECCA
I can't work with this man!

PETER
He is just a, what do you call it?

REBECCA
An ass.

PETER
No, he is a very good actor.

REBECCA
True, as long as I get paid.

FADE OUT:

A news paper shows up on the black screen with the headline, 'New Soap! New Doctor!'
Another paper shows up with the headline, 'Women 25+ love Dick.'

White words on the black screen reads 'Two Months Later..."

FADE IN:

EXT. - CAFE - DAY

Harry and Issac sit at a table, Harry has a soda, and Issac has a bottled water.

ISSAC
I tired of being Dick.

HARRY
Tired?!

ISSAC
Yes, are you deaf?

HARRY
You are the biggest names in soaps Issac!  You are gonna walk out on millions Issac.

ISSAC
Got a movie deal.

HARRY
A movie deal?

ISSAC
Yes.

HARRY
Well Mr. Jones, it has been good working with you.

ISSAC
Wish I could say the same for you.

Issac walks away and Harry starts to bang his head on the table.  A Waiter walks up.

WAITER
Sir, you may want to use the 'Bang head here area in the local McDonals.

HARRY
Shut up Frenchy!

CUT TO:

INT. - WRITERS THINK ROOM - NIGHT

The head writer of The Beautiful, Wise, and Passionful, Guy Luberman, and some freelance writers sit at a table.

GUY
We need to write a reason why Dr. Dick is not around, until we find another person to play Dick.

FREELANCE WRITER 1
We could write him out.

GUY
No!  He is the biggest and most loved character.

FREELANCE WRITER 2
So you want us to write about why he is missing.

GUY
Yep, and since this is a soap, the gayest reason will be used. Good Luck guys.

CUT TO:

INT. - HOWER HARDWARE STORE - DAY

Vinny Krocel is working, he is stocking hammers.  He is smiling.  A man walks up to him, he has a suit on.  He is Vinny boss, Gene Hower.

GENE
How is work Mr. Krocel?

VINNY
Yes Mr. Hower, I couldn't be happier being away from acting.

The intercom beeps to show that someone is about to say something.

WORKER (V.O.)
Vinny, someone just called, you're gonna play Dr. Dick Wiser on that soap, report to a Mr. Koren.

GENE
Guess you're turning that down Vinny...

Vinny jumps up and pushes Gene down.

VINNY
Hell no!  Acting gets chicks.

Vinny runs out the front.  Gene looks up and shakes his head.

GENE
He's right

Gene starts to cry.

CUT TO:

EXT. - FLOWER'S GARDEN - DAY

Flower sits outside drinking a glass of green tea.  Vinny comes running towards the garden.

VINNY
Flower!

FLOWER
Vin?

Vinny makes it to her and grabs her up and hugs her.

VINNY
I'm gonna play the new Dick Wiser!

FLOWER
Great Vin!  I'm happy for you, but you'll forget all about me now.

VINNY
I called Harry, and he is replacing the old Jade, with the new Jade...you!

Flower falls to the ground and looks weak.

FLOWER
Oh god.

Vinny is smiling.

VINNY
Are you ok?

FLOWER
No problem Vin.

CUT TO:

The new opening to "The Beautiful, Wise, and Passionful."  Jazz type music plays as pictures of the cast and moments in the show are showns in the credits, the cast is shown, it shows Vinny Krocel in his Doctor Uniform, it then shows Flower in pigtails.  It shows the other cast too.  It shows Jamal Harrison who plays Jake Wiser, the son of Dick Wiser, Jake is a young black actor.

CUT TO:

Vinny is walking around backstage, James Homer who plays Herber Cross, walks toward hi,.

JAMES
Watch yourself Vinny.

VINNY
What do you mean watch myself?

JAMES
The viewer want to rip you in two, they loved Issac when he was here, they hate you Vinny.

VINNY
Great to have a friend.

JAMES
I hate you too Vinny, so stay away from me.

VINNY
No prob, just step back.

Rebecca enters backstage and walks towards James and Vinny.  Rebecca is about the same age as Vinny and James.

REBECCA
Hey James.

James smirks and kisses her hand.

JAMES
Hey sexy.

REBECCA
Oh stop it James.

Rebecca gigles.  Vinny gulps, and looks around.  Rebecca smiles at Vinny moves towards him.

VINNY
Hello Rebecca...nice to see you.

REBECCA
Nice to see you Vinny, welcome to the cast.

James steps in between them.

JAMES
Whoa whoa whoa!  Hey, who's tv wife are you Becca?

REBECCA
James, just because we are husban and wife on a tv show doesn't mean that I am in love with you.

JAMES
You're not?

VINNY
What part of reality do you not understand.

JAMES
The ality!!

REBECCA
I knew all this time you had a little something with 'Re'

JAMES
Fine...go take care of your tv son!  But I refuse to pay child support!

REBECCA
Are you on any meds James?

JAMES
Maybe a few.

Peter walks up to them all and looks around.

PETER
Yeah Vinny, in the next episode you meet your son for the first time.

VINNY
Nice, so who is playing my son?

PETER
Jamal Harrison, here he comes.

Jamal, a young black teen actor walks towards them.

JAMAL
Whats up guys?

VINNY
Yo little man!

Vinny and Jamal shakes hands.

JAMAL
Heard you're the new Dick around here.

Vinny looks strange for a bit.

VINNY
Yep, I'm the new Dick!

PETER
Well Vin!  You and Flower have got a lot of time to work these people over, you have this new take on life.

VINNY
Please never say anything like that again Pete.

They all laugh and hit a freze frame.

CREDITS ROLL

THE END