THE NAZI SMASHER!

Episode 23:  The Hypno-Ray Conspiracy
By;  Richard L. Jouper

Cast:

DK/NS!  Donald Kingston/Nazi Smasher!

AL:  Amy LaRou:  his faithful companion

CC:  Claus von Crutch -- evil Nazi fiend

PS:  Professor Simpson -- eminent scientist

AS:  Amelia Simpson -- his beautiful daughter/secret Nazi

CH:  Commissioner Hamilton -- local police commissioner

SO:  Sgt. O’Riley -- his aide-decamp

H/F HA FR: Hanz und Fritz -- Nazi stooges

WO:  Woman

WA:  Waiter

AN:  Announcer

CL:  Clergyman

PA:  Paperboy

BA:  Bartender

     The time:  World War II.  The place:  New York City, where millionaire dilettante Donald Kingston wages a one-man war against evil Nazi spies as . . . The Nazi Smasher!  Given a magical black mask by a secret order of oriental monks, The Nazi Smasher! uses the power of X-RAY VISION to seek out and destroy the evil German forces that have brought themselves against the wholesome, God-fearing American people.
     In this episode:  Amelia Simpson, the beautiful daughter of Professor Simpson, is kidnapped by Hitler’s henchmen.  So, donning his black hat and mask, and with the help of his staunch companion, Amy LaRou, The Nazi Smasher! sets out to free Amelia before her father is forced to give the Nazis the secret of his dreaded hypno-ray gun!

AN:  Hey kids!  It’s Saturday afternoon again, and time for another exciting episode of The Nazi Smasher!  As you remember after his stunning victory at the end of last week’s episode, The Freeze-Ray Conspiracy, The Nazi Smasher! had decided to take a well-deserved break and attend a gala benefit . . .

sounds of a crowd.  light 40’s music

WO:  Did you hear, Mr. Kingston?  Well, did you?

DK:  I . . .

WO:  One of those nasty swastika thingies, on the Statue of Liberty no less!

DK:  yes, well . . . 

WO:  And in glow-in-the-dark paint, for Heaven’s sake!  I mean, what next?  Hitler’s face on Mt. Rushmore?  I mean, is nothing sacred?

DK:  Well, you see . . . 

AL:  Why, there you are Mrs. Cartwright.  I was just over at the punchbowl and the Mayor was asking where you’d gotten to.

WO:  What?  Oh!  It’s been so lovely talking to you, Mr. Kingston.

DK:  Yes, I’m sure.  Honestly Amy, I don’t know why I let you talk me into coming here.  You know how I hate these things.

AL:  Oh Donald!  You know very well that you wouldn’t have missed this for the world.  Besides, all of the proceeds go to the War Relief Fund.

DK:  But I’ve already put millions into War Bonds.

AL:  (laughing)  Oh Donald!  The more you give the sooner we can win this war and bring our boys home.  And maybe, just maybe, with the war over The Nazi Smasher! could settle down, get married and start raising . . . 

DK:  (chuckling) O.k. o.k. I get the point!  But I should really be out there finding the fiends who defaced Lady Liberty.  It’s bad for morale and saaaay, isn’t that Amelia Simpson, the beautiful daughter of Professor Simpson, the eminent and brilliant scientist who’s in charge of the army’s Secret Weapons Division?

AL:  (snide and jealous) Why yes, so it is.  Funny how interesting this party has become all of a sudden.

DK:  It’s all for the war effort, my dear.  All for the war effort. 

AL:  Oh, sure Donald.  I believe you. (disbelieving)

DK: (speaking up) Why, hello Miss Simpson.  I’m Donald Kingston and this is my friend, Amy LaRou.

AS:  (ice queen) Of course I know who you are, Mr. Kingston.  I just wish I could say I was enjoying your party.

AL:  Your party?

DK:  Yes, well . . . (embarrassed)  But what seems to be the trouble, Miss Simpson?

AS:  I was just wondering why you aren’t in uniform, Mr. Kingston.  Willing to stop a bullet with your broad chest instead of your fat wallet; putting your life on the line with all the other brave, red-blooded American boys.

AL:  (outrage and shock) Miss Simpson!

DK:  No Amy, it’s quite all right.  You see Miss Simpson, there’s no place I’d rather be right now than in France or Africa, uniform on my back and rifle in my hands, but I’m . . . I’m 4-F you see.  A bad ticker.  I . . . I don’t like to discuss it.  I hope you understand.

AS:  Oh (humbled)  I’m . . . I’m sorry Mr. Kingston.  I didn’t know.  Now if you’ll excuse me I must go and see my father on a matter of the utmost urgency.

DK:  Of course, Miss Simpson.  Good-day.

AL:  (much less charitably) Good-bye!  Oh Donald!  I’m sorry that happened, but she couldn’t have known the truth.

DK:  No.  No, how could she have? (sorrowful chuckle)  How could she know of the aimless years I spent wandering the globe, seeking a higher purpose? Of how I was found half-dead by those kindly monks in the Far East who saw past my outer weaknesses and fears and looked to the strengths within me; to my inevitable destiny?  How could she know that through their training I was able to achieve a state of mental and physical perfection, but, fearing that this wouldn’t be enough to help me stop all the evils in the world, they also taught me the use of their sacred black mask, which bestows upon the wearer the incredible power of x-ray vision!  And too, how could she possible know that soon after I returned to America I was contacted by General Armisted , supreme commander of the Special Operations Department of the United States Army, who commissioned me to don the black hat and mask and assume the identity of The Nazi Smasher! in order to seek out and destroy the seeds of Nazi evil before they take root in the fertile soils of America.  No, she couldn’t know that this sinister black hat and mask is the only uniform I’ll be allowed to wear . . . for the duration!

AL:  Oh Donald!  Don’t you ever wish that you could reveal your true identity and receive the thanks due you by a grateful nation?

DK:  No, Amy.  I’m afraid that my black hat, mask and blazing guns have made me as frightening to the innocent as I am to the guilty.  Now, would you mind terribly if . . . 

AL:  Of course not Donald.  Let’s go . . . 

CH:  Why, hello Mr. Kingston, Miss LaRou.

DK:  Hello Commissioner Hamilton, Sgt. O’Riley.  We were just . . . 

Amelia Simpson screams.  two shots ring out.  the music stops

SO:  Saints alive!  That was gunshots, I’ll stake me pension on it!

CH:  Yes!  Come on O’Riley, Kingston, we’d better . . . why, where did Kingston get to?

AL:  Why . . . um . . . you know about his bad heart, Commissioner.  I’m sure he just left so the excitement wouldn’t cause him and you more trouble.

CH:  Quite right.  I wasn’t thinking, my dear.  Well, come along O’Riley.

AL:   (whispering)  Oh Donald!  Where are you!

NS!  EVERYONE STAND BACK!

CH:  Nazi Smasher!  Thank heavens you’re hear!  Maybe now we’ll get to the bottom of this.

NS!  RIGHT YOU ARE, COMMISSIONER!  COME ALONG NOW, I’M SURE YOU’LL BE OF HELP!

AL:  My hero!

running footsteps

PS:  Help!  Help!  Oh, my daughter has been kidnapped!  Oh!  Who will . . . (surprise) Oh!  Oh!  The Nazi Smasher!  Thank heavens!

NS!  QUICK, PROFESSOR SIMPSON!  TELL ME ALL!

PS:  Two men . . . two men with black and red armbands . . .

NS!  NAZIS!

PS:  Yes, well, they grabbed my Amelia.  When those two waiter tried to stop them, they were shot dead!

NS!  STOUT, BRAVE FELLOWS!  THEY DIED WELL, AND I SHALL SEE THAT THEY ARE BURIED WITH FULL HONORS AT ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY!  NOW YOU, WAITER, WHICH WAY DID THEY GO!

WA:  They ran into that room back there, Nazi Smasher!  We followed them, but they’ve just vanished!

NS!  THANK YOU, SON, BUT WHERE THE UNTRAINED EYES OF A HUMBLE WAITER MAY SEE ONLY AN EMPTY ROOM, THE EYES OF THE NAZI SMASHER! WILL SEE ALL!

WA:  You mean . . . 

NS!  YES . . . NO MAN MAY HIDE FROM THE GAZE OF  . . . THE NAZI SMASHER!

strident music.  the crowd cheers

NS!  (to himself)  HMMM!  NO OTHER DOORS OR WINDOWS, BUT A QUICK SWEEP OF MY X-RAY VISION SHOULD . . .

x-ray sound

YES!  A SECRET DOOR AND A PASSAGEWAY HIDDEN BEHIND THAT CHINA HUTCH!  HRRRRUMMMPH! (loudly)

a loud crash

CH:  Why . . . it’s a secret passageway!

NS!  I’M GOING TO FOLLOW IT, COMMISSIONER!  YOU RADIO HEADQUARTERS AND HAVE THE PLACE SURROUNDED!

CH:  Anything you say, Nazi Smasher!

AL:  Oh please be careful, Nazi Smasher!

NS!  THERE’S NO TIME . . .  (fading into the distance)

running shoes

(to himself)  THIS TUNNEL, SO LONG AND DARK!  BUT WITH MY X-RAY VISION I CAN AVOID ANY TRAP OR PITFALL!  THERE, I’VE REACHED AN OPENING!  WHY, ITS THE PARKING GARAGE!  THAT SINISTER BLACK CAR ZOOMING BY AT GREAT SPEED!

zooming car sounds.  tires screeching

HRRRRUMMPH!  THERE!  I WAS JUST ABLE TO GRAB ONTO THE SPARE TIRE IN BACK!  THE TRUNK ISN’T LOCKED!  I’LL JUST GET IN AND . . . WHAT’S THIS?  A CAN OF GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PAINT!  SO THESE  ARE THE FIENDS WHO . . . NEVER MIND THAT NOW!  I’LL JUST LET IT DRIP SLOWLY OUT THE BACK SO THAT THE POLICE WILL BE ABLE TO FOLLOW US!  NOTHING TO DO NOW BUT SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE RIDE!

fade out to organ music.  fade in to tires on gravel, engine shutting off

WELL, HERE WE ARE!  WHEREVER HERE IS!

trunk opening

WHY, WE’RE AT LOVER’S LEAP!  THE HIGHEST CLIFF FOR MILES!  WHAT COULD THEY WANT HERE?  WELL, I GUESS THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!

feet crunching on gravel

ALL RIGHT YOU NAZI STOOGES!  HANDS UP AND GOOSE-STEP OUT OF THE CAR!  I DON’T NEED MUCH OF AN EXCUSE TO USE THESE PISTOLS I’M POINTING AT YOU!

car doors open.  feet on gravel

NOW TALK, YOU NAZI . . .

sap hits skull

OOOOOMPH!

body falls to gravel

CC:  (slowly)  Heh heh heh!  Zo, vat haff ve here?  Ze dreaded Nazi Zmasher!  Zo, ve meet again, but zis time ze advantage ist mine!  Hanz!  Fritz!  Tie him to ze driver’s zeat of ze car!  Now, vake up, Nazi Zmasher!

NS!  OH, MY HEAD!  I’M . . . I’M TIED TO THE STEERING WHEEL OF A CAR!  BUT HOW?

CC:  Vilcommen, Herr Zmasher!

NS!  (shocked) COLONEL CLAUS VON CRUTCH! 

strident organ music

CC:  Yes, mine old nemesis, it ist I!  And I haff been vaiting for you to place your meddling American nose into my affairs!

NS!  (dripping with contempt) HAVE YOU!

CC:  Oh Ja, I haff.

NS!  BUT TELL ME, VON CRUTCH, I THOUGHT . . .

CC:   . . . zat I had died in Istanbul ven you foiled my plans to use ze magneto-ray gun to pull ze moon from its orbit and haff it crush ze United States?

NS!  AN EVIL PLAN!

CC:  (smug evil chuckle) A brilliantly evil plan, if you please.  But, thanks to you, my beautiful magneto-ray gun lies in ruins at ze bottom of ze sea, and only I survived ze explosion.

NS!  BUT YOUR HEAD, IT WAS . . .

CC:  Zevered from my body?  Yes, zat ist vhat I vished you to think!  Heh heh heh!  It ist a zimple trick zat I learned in zee Far East many years ago.  Ja, a zimple trick to fool zimple people, and as much as I vould love to tell you all about it, I am afraid zat it ist time for you to die.  (gives two claps) Hanz!  Fritz!  To vork!

NS!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  (to self)  THESE ROPES . . . SO TIGHT . . . CAN’T MOVE! (aloud) YOU’VE JAMMED THE WHEEL!  WHY, IF YOU PUT THE CAR IN GEAR I’LL GO OVER THE CLIFF FOR SURE!

CC:  Heh heh heh!  Just as I haff planned, Herr Zmasher!  From zis point on I suggest zat you adopt an attitude of fatalistic resignation!

NS!  YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE AMERICAN WILL TO FIGHT, YOU MAD EVIL GENIUS!  WE AMERICANS ARE NEVER MORE DANGEROUS THAN WHEN THINGS APPEAR HOPELESS!

CC:  Zen you must now be very dangerous indeed, Zmasher.

NS:  COUNT ON IT!

CC:  I put ze car in gear . . .

gears grind

zus!  Aufviederzaen, Nazi Zmasher!  And remember, do not die mad . . . just die.

car revs, music strident then fades
fade out
fade into a fast moving car

AL:  Oh hurry, Commissioner Hamilton!  I just know something horrible is happening!

CH:  Now now, Miss LaRou.  We’re going as fast as Sgt. O’Riley here can safely drive so close to the base of this cliff.  And besides, we’re not even sure that this line of glow-in-the-dark paint was left by the Nazi Smasher!  I’m only willing to follow your “women’s intuition” for so long before . . . Good Heavens!  What’s that!  A car crashing down right in front of us!  Look out O’Riley!  Look . . . 

Amy screams, tires squeal, car crashes loudly

CH:  Come on O’Riley!  You stay here, Miss LaRou!

AL:  Not on your life, Commissioner!

running feet

CH:  Miss LaRou!  Miss LaRou!  This is no place for a woman!  And what are staring up at the sky for, O’Riley?

SO:  Just waitin’ to see if any more cars are gonna come a’rainin’ down, Commissioner.

CH:  Oh, come on man!

running feet

SO:  Oh no, Commissioner!

CH:  What is it, man?

SO:  Saints preserve us, but it’s the Nazi Smasher! for sure, and killed beyond all recognition!

AL:  Noooooo!

CH:  Grab her O’Riley!  She’s fainted.

SO:  I feel a bit weak in the knees meself, Commissioner.  Just think, the defender of freedom and democracy, of all we hold sacred and dear, dead, maybe even murdered!  Oh, tis a black day for America.  Whatever shall we do now?

CH:  I don’t know, O’Riley . . . I just don’t know.  But I’ll tell you what I do know:  this may just cost us the war!

SO:  gasp!

strident organ music, fade out
fade into dopey music

NA:  Say kids, wasn’t that exciting?  Well, stay tuned now for an exciting message from our sponsors, American Blinds and Draperies.

fade music out

DK:  Gosh darn it!

AL:  Donald!  Language!

DK:  (petulant, but sad) I’m sorry, Amy.

AL:  Whatever is the matter?

DK:  Well, I’m trying to crack this super-secret Nazi code for General Armisted but it’s so bright in here that I can’t make out a word of it.

AL:  (motherly) You big silly!  Here, let me help you!

sounds of Victory Blinds closing

DK:  Say!  Those do keep out the light.  What are they?

AL:  They’re Victory Blinds.

DK:  Victory Blinds?

AL:  Yes, Victory Blinds.  And they’re made by the good people at American Blinds and Draperies.

DK:  Well, they’re about the most amazing things I’ve ever seen!  Why, I don’t think that even the Nazi Smasher’s! x-ray vision could see through these.  I bet they’d be perfect for blackouts due to air raids!

AL:  Oh, yes.  But that’s not all.

DK:  What?  There’s more?  I don’t believe it!

AL:  It’s true.  The good people at American Blinds and draperies have found it in their hearts to donate to the war effort two cents out of every dollar they make.

DK:  Well, that settles it!  Amy, I want you to order Victory Blinds . . .

dialing sounds

. . . for every window that I own!

AL:  I’m way ahead of you Donald.

return of the dopey music

DK:  Good girl, Amy.  And now, back to this code . . .

AN:  Later that day . . .

AL:  Haven’t you broken that code yet, Donald?

DK:  Oh, you bet I have!  And you’ll never guess what it says.

AL:  (chuckling)  I’m all ears.

DK:  It reads: Buy Victory Blinds from American Blinds and Draperies.  They’re the best!

AL:  Well!  Who would have thought that the Nazis could be that smart?

laughing.  dopey music

CL:  . . . ashes to ashes.  Dust to dust.  Amen.

CH:  What a fine funeral, eh Miss LaRou?  And it was good of the president to deliver the eulogy personally, don’t you think?

AL:  Yes it was, Commissioner.  I only wish Donald could have been here as well.

CH:  Oh yes.  And where is our famous disappearing dilettante?  Off making another million?

AL:  His heart . . . the excitement, you know.

CH:  (dripping with sarcasm)  Oh yes.  His heart.

AL:  Commissioner!  That was unfair and uncalled-for!

CH:  I’m sorry, Amy.  I suppose the pressure has finally gotten to me.  But really, how is Donald?

DK:  It looked bleak for a while, Commissioner, but I’m much better now.  Thank you for asking.

AL:  Donald!  You’re alive . . . I mean, you made it.
CH:  Well, it’s good to see you again lad.  Now if you’ll excuse me, duty calls.

DK:  Of course Commissioner.  Be seeing you.  So Amy, it was a touching service, don’t you think?  I found the eternal flame to be an inspiring touch.  it nearly brought a tear to my eye.

AL:  Donald!  Donald darling!  But how?

DK:  Whoa Amy!  It wouldn’t do for you to be seen hugging a corpse in public.  You know how people talk.

AL:  But . . . but how can you be alive?  I saw you die, Donald.  I identified the body.

DK:  There’ll be plenty of time for explanations later, Amy.  Right now the important thing is to find Amelia Simpson before it’s too late!

AL:  What?  Why?

DK:  That night at the party when Amelia was kidnapped, do you remember it?

AL:  Do I ever!

DK:  Well, when I was x-raying the room for clues I chanced to see a letter in Professor Simpson’s pocket.  It read:  Bring plans for the hypno-ray gun and any working models to . . . but I couldn’t read the rest.

AL:  (frantic) But who?  What?  Why?  Where?

DK:  The who is easy:  The Nazi Smasher’s! arch-nemesis, the evil Claus von Crutch, who has also arisen from the grave.

AL:  (gasp) The man you stopped from melting the polar ice caps and re-freezing the United States solid?

DK:  The same!  And the why is also easy:  von Crutch once again intends nothing less than total mastery of the world!

strident organ music

AL:  You don’t think he’ll just hand the hypno-ray gun over to Hitler so that he can end the war?

DK:  No Amy.  I believe that he will indeed return to Berlin, but with the sole purpose of enslaving Hitler, not aiding him!

strident organ music

AL:  (shocked and confused) But his vows of loyalty . . .

DK:  Dear sweet trusting Amy.  The word of honor of a Nazi and a nickel won’t even buy you a cup of coffee.  But with the hypno-ray gun in his possession (a super-secret experimental weapon designed by Professor Simpson which is able to enslave the minds of men and make them do the wielder’s bidding), von Crutch could own the world . . . a world of mindless Nazi zombies!

AL:  Just like in Germany!  Oh Donald!  You have to stop him before it’s too late!

DK:  (chuckling)  That was my plan, Amy.  But quickly!  We have no time to lose!  When I went looking for Professor Simpson last night I found that he was already gone and that his laboratory was cleaned out.

AL:  Oh no!

DK:  I’m afraid so, and the only clue I have is this matchbook which I found in the wrecked car.  You see, it’s from the Club Adolfus.  I’ve often suspected that it was a hideout for Nazi spies, but I had no solid proof until now.  See here, on the inside cover:  9:00 PM, Januar 25.  That’s German for January the 25th at 9:00 PM, and that’s tonight!

AL:  Oh, Donald!  What are you going to do?

DK:  Me?  What could poor old 4-F Donald Kingston do, what with his weak heart and all?  But The Nazi Smasher! is planning for a little rain to fall on von Crutch’s hypnotically controlled parade.  A little rain . . . of bullets!

strident organ music

AL:  Hurrah for him!  I mean you . . . oh, you know what I mean!

DK:  You’re a sweet girl, Amy.  Now, I need your help.

AL:  Oh Donald! I’ll do anything! (sexual meaning quite clear)

DK:  Good!  I want you to call the police at precisely 9:15 tonight and have them bring every man they have to the Club Adolfus.  That should give The Nazi Smasher! the time he needs to do what he must.  For tonight . . . The Nazi Smasher lives!

very strident organ music
fade out
fade in to street sounds

PA:  (faintly) Extra!  Extra!  President declares national day of mourning to honor The Nazi Smasher!  Extra!  Extra!

PS:  Well, here it is, the Club Adolfus.  What a disreputable establishment.  It’s almost 9:00.  I’d better go in.  Oh, I pray my poor Amelia is safe!

a bell chimes. sounds of surly patrons.  light German music

Excuse me, bartender?  I’m looking for a Mr. Smith, a Mr. John Smith.  

BA:  Back there.  Behind the green door.

PS:  Thank you.  thank you very much.

knock on door

CC:  (a humorless chuckle) Come in, Herr Professor. 

a door creaks open

PS:  Are you . . . Mr. Smith?

CC:  No, Professor.  Zat ist just a clever alias zat I employ whenever I Vish to disguise my true identity.  But you sir, you may call me by my real name:  Colonel Claus von Crutch!

quick strident organ

PS:  The Devil!

CC:  Heh heh heh!  You flatter me.

PS:  No matter.  I would give the hypno-ray gun to Old Scratch himself to free my dear, sweet daughter.

CC:  Vell spoken.  May I assume, zen, zat you haff brought vhat I require?

PS:  I have, you fiend.  It’s right here in this canvas bag.  Now please, let me see my daughter!

CC:  Certainly, Herr Professor.  Zat vas ze bargain.  My dear!  Vould you please join us?

AS:  With pleasure, my leader!

PS:  Amelia!  What . . . what are you doing with that madman?  What’s that you’re wearing on your arm?

AS:  It’s a Nazi armband Father, and I wear it to show my loyalty to my new Fatherland, Herr Hitler, and my dear, sweet Claus.

strident organ music

PS:  NOOOOOO!

CC:  I am afraid zo . . . Father!  Now, ze hypno-ray gun, if you please?

PS:  take it, take it!  Nothing else matters any more (sobs).

CC:  Good!  Zat is a fine attitude to take.  And try not to feel too bad, for it vas inevitable zat you should fall to ze might of . . . 

three gunshots
very strident heroic music

Vat vas zat noise?  Vat ist going on in ze bar?  Hanz!  Fritz!

H/F:  Javoll, Mein Colonel!

CC:  Go and zee vhat . . .

NS!  EVERYBODY FREEZE!

bar patrons panic

CC:  Ze Nazi Zmasher!  Impossible!  You are dead!  Dead!

NS!  NO, VON CRUTCH!  I JUST USED A SIMPLE TRICK TO FOOL A SIMPLE PERSON!  YOU!

CC: Vell, zis ist no zimple trick, Zmasher!  Prepare to join my ranks!

hypno-humming

NS!  HA HA HA!  DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT THAT TOY COULD MAKE ME JOIN YOU, VON CRUTCH?  WHY, I WOULDN’T JOIN YOU IF YOU WERE THE MANAGER OF THE BROOKLYN DODGERS!

CC:  Curse you and your iron will, Nazi Zmasher!  But vait . . . heh heh heh!  Now I haff you!

hypno-humming

NS!  THAT DIDN’T WORK THE FIRST TIME, VON CRUTCH!  WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT’LL WORK NOW?

CC:  Oh, I know it von’t vork on you, Zmasher.  Zat ist vhy I am aiming it at . . . zem!

hypno-zombie sounds

AS:  You are brilliant, Claus!  Brilliant!

CC:  Yes, I know.

NS!  THOSE GLASSY STARES!  THEY’VE ALL BEEN TURNED INTO NAZI HYPNO-ZOMBIES FOR SURE!  FIGHT IT MEN!  REMEMBER, YOU’RE AMERICANS!

louder hypno-zombie sounds

WELL THEN, NOTHING FOR IT BUT TO . . .

at least thirty gunshots.  bodies fall to the floor

THERE!  THAT’S ALL OF THEM!  WHAT DIRTY WORK!

CC:  Zo, Nazi Zmasher! How did it feel killing your own countrymen?

NS!  NOT HALF AS GOOD AS IT WILL FEEL KILLING YOU, FIEND!

three clicks on an empty chamber

DRAT!  ALL OUT OF BULLETS!

CC:  But I, Zmasher, I haff ztill a fully loaded Luger!  Now Hanz!  Fritz!  Grab him!

H/F:  Javoll, Mein Colonel!, ve haff grabbed him now!

CC:  I regret to tell you zat I must kill you again, Zmasher.  But first, tell me how you found my hideout zo quickly?

NS!  JUST ASK FRITZIE THERE!  HE’S THE ONE WHO LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG!

CC:  Fritz!

FR:  Nein, Mein Colonel!  It ist not true!

CC:  (incoherent with rage)  Zo Fritz!  You are my own nephew vould betray me!  Vell, ve haff vays of dealing vith traitors, and I assume you know zem?

FR:  you are promoting me to Fuhrer?

CC:  No!  To corpse!

 three gunshots

FR:  Aieee!  Uncle Claus!  You shot me . . . in ze chest!  I’m . . . dying!

body falls

NS!  HANZ!  DON’T TRY IT!  HE’LL KILL YOU!

HA:  Vhat?

CC:  You too, Hanz?  Vell, zen zis for you!

four gunshots

NS!  HA HA HA!  TRICKED YOU!

CC:  Vhat?  Curse you, Nazi Zmasher!  Why, I’ll . . .

NS!  YOU’LL DO NOTHING WITH THAT EMPTY GUN YOU’RE HOLDING!

three clicks

CC:  Vell, it zeems you are correct, Herr Zmasher!  Zis gun ist vorthless to me.

NS!  YES, WELL THEN . . . 

CC:  But fortunately for me, zis one ist not!

strident organ music

NS!  FIEND!  YOU HAD ANOTHER GUN ALL ALONG!

CC:  Do you think I cheated, Zmasher? Not zo, for in var zere are no rules!

one gunshot.  strident organ music

NS!  I KNOW, COLONEL!  THAT’S WHY I CARRY A SECOND GUN AS WELL!

CC:  Vell played, Zmasher!  Vell . . . (groan)

body falls.  heroic music

NS!  THAT WAS THE WITTIEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY, VON CRUTCH!  (to himself)  AND HOPEFULLY THE LAST!

sirens.  people running.  troops marching to hut hut hut!

CH:  Good heavens, Nazi Smasher!  You’ve defeated them all single-handed!

NS!  NO, COMMISSIONER HAMILTON!  IT WAS THE NAZI’S OWN INABILITY TO REMAIN LOYAL THAT DEFEATED THEM!  THE SAME THING THAT WILL BRING DOWN HERR HITLER IN THE END!  STILL, I FEEL SORRY FOR ALL OF THE POOR HYPNOTIZED DUPES THAT I HAD TO KILL TONIGHT, BUT THERE WAS SIMPLY NO CHOICE!

CH:  yes, and it appears that Professor Simpson and Amelia were caught in the crossfire.  Wait!  What’s that on her arm?

NS!  TAKE IT OFF OF HER, WOULD YOU COMMISSIONER?  THE WORLD NEED NEVER KNOW HOW FAR THE YOUTH OF AMERICA CAN FALL!

CH:  Yes, of course.  Look, I can see you’re really broken up about this, Nazi Smasher!  There’ll be no embarrassing questions, of course.

NS!  OF COURSE.  NATIONAL SECURITY.  I UNDERSTAND.  WELL, I’D BEST BE TAKING MY LEAVE OF YOU, FOR TOMORROW WILL BE ANOTHER LONG DAY OF THE WAR, AND THE NAZI SMASHER! IS ALWAYS ON DUTY!

brief heroic music

NOW, IF YOU’LL ARRANGE TO TAKE VON CRUTCH’S BODY TO . . . THE BODY!  IT’S GONE!

CH:  Nazi Smasher!  Look out!

three gunshots.  maniacal laughter.  very strident music

AN:  Oh no!  What’s happened to the Nazi Smasher!  Has the evil Claus von Crutch finally beaten the defender of Truth and Justice?  Or has some new Nazi menace arisen to strike terror into the very heart of America?

light music.  pleasant voice

Tune in next week, same time, same station, for the answers to these and many more questions in . . . The Nazi Smasher!  Episode 24:  The Death-Ray Conspiracy!

endmusic