MYTHS AND MORONS
By:  Josh Schwartzkopf

© Copyright (c) 2010 This screen play may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author

CHARACTERS:

Narrator
Hero
Princess:
The Princess
Dominatrix
Mother
Maiden
Witch
Dancer
Harry
Player One:
Mob Member 1
Bandit 1
King
Dead Body
Bard
Mercenary 1
Mad Hatter
Player 1
Player Two:
Mob Member 2
Pervert
Bandit 2
Knight
Walking Man
Painter 
Scientist
The Box
Mercenary 2
Player 2
Guard 2
Player Three:
Mob Member 3
Priest
Bandit 3
Guard 1
Little Kid
Poet
Dragon
Father
The Nobody
Player 3
Stage Manager/ Audience Member

Settings

Prologue – None

Act One/ Scene One -  Manure Field

Act One/ Scene Two – Lady Katherine’s Kat House

Act One/ Scene Three – Road To Town

Act One/ Scene Four – Village

Act Two/ Scene One – Castle

Act Two/ Scene Two -  Village

Act Two/ Scene Three -  Forest

Act Two/ Scene Four -  Forest

Act Three/ Scene One – Dragon’s Cave

Act Three/ Scene Two -  Forest

Act Three/ Scene Three -  Witch’s Cottage

Act Three/ Scene Four -  Forest

Act Four/ Scene One – Hillside

Act Four/ Scene Two – Tea Party

Act Four/ Scene Three – Village

Act Four/ Scene Four – Castle

Epilogue – None

MYTHS AND MORONS
(Or “An Idiot’s Guide To Becoming A Hero”)

By:  Josh Schwartzkopf

PROLOGUE

(Scene:  An empty stage, save for a stool at center.  Lights come up on the NARRATOR who is busy reading a sultry magazine.  Suddenly, she looks up and sees the audience.)

NARRATOR:
Agh!  You scared me!  Where’d you people come from?  Oh, well, never mind.  I suppose you’d like me to tell you a story?  After all, I am a master storyteller.  I know so many stories even Shakespeare looks me up for ideas.  Anyway, what kind of story would you like to hear?  How about a romance full of passion and sweaty, writhing bodies?  (She looks around)  No, I see there are children in the audience.  What about a frightening tale that will make you pee in your pants? (Pause)  I suppose not.  All right, then I’ll tell you a story which is mediocre at best.  It’s about a dim-witted Hero who saved a beautiful Princess from a fate more terrible than death…Depression.  And, it all begins with those four famous words, ONCE UPON A TIME…

(The scene changes to reveal a worn-down castle in the background.  The NARRATOR moves to stage left as the story begins.)

NARRATOR:
The tale begins in an ancient land not unlike our own.  It was a hard time, a time where men were men and women were hard to find.  There was a magical kingdom…oh, who am I kidding?  It was a shithole.  The castle was old and smelly, the people within it were dull and lifeless.  Save for the Princess Sally.  She was merry and bright, not to mention beautiful.  (At this point, the Princess comes on stage and pantomimes as the Narrator continues speaking; the other actors come in as needed)  Everyone that met Princess Sally felt her warmth; she brought happiness to the entire kingdom.  Oh, how her father, the King, adored his cheerful daughter.  Then, one day, the Princess met the evil sorcerer, Harry…

(At that moment, the AUDIENCE MEMBER’s cell phone goes off.  He talks incredibly loud on the phone while the NARRATOR glares at him.) 

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Oh, hey!  Yeah!  I know!  Long time no see.  What?  Oh, I’m at this play thing.  What’s up with you?  You don’t say…oh, that’s incredible!  Did I ever tell you about the time my cat puked up this nasty hairball and then the dog ate it… 

NARRATOR:
Um, can I get some help here?

(At that moment, the LYNCH MOB comes out; they run out to the AUDIENCE MEMBER)

MOB MEMBER 1:
Excuse me.  I’m with the Lynch Mob Union, Chapter 236.  As are my counterparts…(He gestures toward the other two)

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Um, can’t you see I’m on the phone?  Thank you!  (Resumes talking)

MOB MEMBER 2:
(Takes away his phone)  Well, according to Statute Number 118:  “Technological advances such as cellular phones did not exist in this era in which the play takes place.  Therefore, the device must be a tool of Satan.”  And, thus, we must… (Turns to MOB MEMBER 3)

MOB MEMBER 3:
Boil him in oil!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
What?  What are you talking about?

MOB MEMBER 1:
If we could just get you to sign here for insurance purposes.  (Hands over clipboard)

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
(Signing)  Look, guys, I’m really sorry.  I won’t ever talk on my cell phone during a show ever again.  

MOB MEMBER 1:
(Takes clipboard)  All right, everything looks to be in order.  Let’s start the chanting.

(They grab the AUDIENCE MEMBER, then start chanting in unison)  

MOB:
We’re going to lynch a charlatan!  We’re going to lynch a charlatan!

MOB MEMBER 1:
He’s a nuisance!

MOB MEMBER 2:
He’s annoying!

MOB MEMBER 3:
He’s the playwright’s attempt at establishing a Stoppardian character and making a reference to the Theatre of the Absurd…

(Immediately, the others go silent and glare at their counterpart.)

MOB MEMBER 1:
And what, pray tell, does all that mean?

MOB MEMBER 3:
(Realization)  Uh…I don’t know.  I just made it all up.

(They glare at him for a moment longer)

MOB MEMBER 1:
Well, we’ll forgive you this time.  But, don’t go saying smart stuff anymore…

MOB:
(Chanting in unison)  We’re going to lynch a charlatan!  We’re going to lynch a charlatan!

(They exit carrying the kicking and screaming AUDIENCE MEMBER)

NARRATOR:
All right, where was I?  Oh, yes, Princess Sally met Harry one day in the garden…

(Princess and Harry go to center stage)

PRINCESS:
Greetings, sir.  Lovely day, isn’t it?

HARRY:
Why, yes, ‘tis a lovely day; but, not as lovely as you, my dear.

(SALLY laughs, blushing; the two exit offstage arm-in-arm.  Meanwhile, the NARRATOR crosses to center.)

NARRATOR:
Harry fell madly in love with the Princess.  He vowed to make her his own.  Unfortunately, Sally did not love him in return.  Who could blame her?  The guy was old enough to be her grandfather and he was going bald, plus I heard he had really bad breath.  You know, the kind of breath that smells like a cross between rotten cabbage and old, nasty cigarettes…

(HARRY peaks in from behind the curtain)

HARRY:
Hey!

NARRATOR:
Anyway, Harry became enraged by Sally’s refusal of his love.  (SALLY refuses HARRY)  At that moment, he decided that if he couldn’t have her, then no one would have her.  So, the evil sorcerer put a curse on the charming Princess.  (HARRY curses SALLY)  He took away the most wonderful gift that the Princess possessed, he stole her smile and her happiness…

(SALLY begins to weep while HARRY cackles in pantomime; then, HARRY exits.)

NARRATOR:
When the King learned of this, he was outraged.  The King found the vile sorcerer…(KING finds HARRY on stage) …and he demanded that the wizard release his daughter.  But, the wicked Harry refused.  (HARRY refuses)  So, the King, on his aching knees begged for the sorcerer to lift the curse.  (KING begs)  Harry merely sneered at the King and said that he would undo the spell on one condition and one only…

HARRY:
If you want to find the cure to your beloved daughter’s ailment, then you must find the secret to mortal happiness…

KING:
The secret to mortal happiness?  But, that is beyond my comprehension.  I’m an old, fat, bitter man whose only happiness was brought from my beloved daughter.

HARRY:
Very well.  I’ll give you a riddle then.  A riddle that can answer the secret that I demand…

KING:
Yes!  Yes!  A riddle!  Tell me!

HARRY:
You know, you could make this easier on yourself and just give your daughter to me as my wife.

KING:
Never!  Now tell me the blasted riddle!

HARRY:
Oh, all right!  But, you’ll never solve it.  The riddle is:  “What does a fool inspire in others, but never inspires in himself?”  I will give you one week to solve my riddle.  But, if you cannot, your daughter will be forever blue…

KING:
I shall find the answer to your riddle.  Now, be gone, wicked sorcerer!

(HARRY and KING exit as NARRATOR goes center)

NARRATOR:
So, the good King sent out word to find the bravest and wisest man who could solve this riddle.  As a reward, the King promised all his wealth and his daughter’s hand in marriage.  The news went out across the kingdom.  Many brave knights and noble lords came to answer the call.  But, all failed, until an unlikely Hero came to take on the task.  This is his story…

ACT ONE/ Scene One:

(Scene:  A manure field;  the HERO is shoveling manure into a wheelbarrow.  He is singing while he shovels.)

HERO:
I’m just a poor, orphaned lad;
Who’s got a mom but not a dad.
My dad ran off with his lover,
What an embarrassment to my mother.
So, I shovel all this manure;
The manure is so clean and pure.
Oh, how I shovel it
And my life is shit.

(HERO continues shoveling as the PERVERT and a sheep come walking on stage)

PERVERT:
Excuse me, boy, but me and my lass…Susie, here…(Sheep bleats)…want to know where we can find the…well, the local brothel?  (Sheep bleats again)

HERO:
Oh, it’s just up the hill.  You can’t miss it.

PERVERT:
Thank you.

(They exit while HERO gives them a confused look and resumes shoveling.  After a moment, the DOMINATRIX enters.  She sneaks over and gooses the HERO.)

DOMINATRIX:
Greetings, you sweaty stud!  I am looking for Lady Katherine’s Kat House.

HERO:
Ugh ! Uh, you mean the whorehouse on the hill?  It’s that way!  (HERO watches the DOMINATRIX cautiously, she tries to goose him again; he runs and wields his shovel at her.)  It’s that way!  That way!

DOMINATRIX:
Oh, you’re no fun darling.

(The DOMINATRIX exits, HERO resumes shoveling but he is clearly irritated.  Just then, a PRIEST comes walking by.)

PRIEST:
Um, excuse me, young man?

HERO:
It’s up on the hill!

PRIEST:
Oh, okay.

(He wanders off, clearly confused.  The HERO finishes shoveling and looks in the direction to where the PRIEST exited.)

HERO:
Bunch of sickos around here.  I remember when this place used to be safe for manure farmers.  I’m going to have to talk with mother.

(HERO exits)

ACT ONE/ Scene Two:

(Scene:  HERO’s home which is also Lady Katherine’s Kat House.  HERO finds his MOTHER talking to the confused PRIEST.)

MOTHER:
Oh, come on in, Father.  I always give discounts to the clergy.  

PRIEST:
That’s blasphemy!  How dare you!  Oh, dear!  I thought this was Saint Goober’s Temple.  A young man guided me this way.

MOTHER:
Come now, I know that the heart of a Casanova beats beneath those rosary beads.  I betcha a night with one of my girls will bring a smile to that long face of yours.

PRIEST:
I said, NO!  Now, good day, Lady Katherine!

MOTHER:
Please, call me Kathy. (Hands him a business card.)  Now, tell your friends about Lady Katherine’s Kat House.

PRIEST:
I most certainly will not, you heathen!

(PRIEST exits as HERO approaches his MOTHER)

HERO:
Mother?

MOTHER:
Now, I told you not to call me that while I’m working.  Call me, Lady Katherine.

HERO:
All right, Lady Katherine.  May I talk to you?

MOTHER:
Sure, kid.  What’s on your mind?

HERO:
Why did we have to turn our farm into a brothel?  I can’t stand all these perverts.

MOTHER:
The politically correct term is men’s and women’s social club and they are not perverts, they’re customers.

HERO:
Well, whatever you want to call it.  If father was still here, he would do something about this.

MOTHER:
Well, he’s not.  That no good S.O.B. ran off with his mistress.  Or, to become a monk.  Or something.  Plus, he was a cross-dresser.

HERO:
He was not!

MOTHER:
He was too!

HERO:
Father was a brave warrior who rescued many a maiden and fought many a dragon!

MOTHER:
And, he wore women’s underwear while doing it.  Now, you know the farm wasn’t doing well.  There’s no financial future in fertilizer.  Sex sells, manure doesn’t.

HERO:
It’s still wrong.

MOTHER:
It’s not forever, kid.  Just long enough to pay off our debts.  Anyway, I need you to get some bread from town.  Here’s some money.

(She pulls a bag of coins from her bosom)

HERO:
Yuck, mother!

MOTHER:
Well, it’s the only safe place.

HERO:
Are you sure?

MOTHER:
Why I ought to box your ears for saying that!  Now, take that money and get some bread.  Get going.

HERO:
As you wish, Lady Katherine.

(HERO exits off stage; MOTHER exits off the other side)

ACT ONE/ Scene Three:

(Scene:  The road to town.  The NARRATOR walks out to center.)

NARRATOR:
On his way to town, the Hero was accosted by three rather clever bandits.  (Three BANDITS enters) The Hero, being somewhat naïve, stopped to converse with the vagabonds.

(HERO enters.  He is carrying a purse of coins, wearing a hat and a new shirt.  He is whistling merrily until the BANDITS stop him.)

BANDIT 1:
Greetings, young fellow.  Might I inquire as to what your destination might be?

HERO:
Huh?

BANDIT 2:
He wants to know where you’re going.

HERO:
Oh, I’m going to town to buy some bread with the coins that my mother gave me.

BANDIT 3:
Is that so?  Well, it just so happens that we are part of the King’s Clean Road Committee.

HERO:
Oh, really?

BANDIT 2:
Yes, and in the name of the King, we must ask that you give us your coins…for safe passage.

HERO:
Of course.  Can’t be too careful.

(He gives them the coin purse)

BANDIT 1:
And your hat, kind fellow.

HERO:
Here ya go, my mother knitted that for me. (Hands over hat)

BANDIT 3:
We’ll also take your shirt.  What is that?  Fleece or cowhide?  (Feels fabric)

HERO:
Oh no, it’s horsehair.  It was a gift from my long, lost father.  (Gives them his shirt)

BANDIT 1:
Well, young fellow, your father had impeccable taste.

(HERO stares at him dumb-founded)

BANDIT 2:
That means he likes it.

HERO:
Oh, thank you.  Is there anything else that I can do for you?

BANDIT 3:
Why, yes, there is one more thing.  If you could turn around, close your eyes and count to three…we’d certainly appreciate it.

HERO:
Oh, okay.  (Turns around, closes eyes)  Uh, one…(The BANDITS run off stage)  uh, two…uh, three…(Opens eyes and turns around)  Hey, I counted to three.  (Pauses)  Hey, they took my shirt!  (Pats head)  They took my hat!  (Feels belt)  Oh no, they took my money!  (Considers)  I don’t think those guys were really on the King’s Clean Road Committee.

(HERO exits) 

ACT ONE/ Scene Four:

(Scene:  The village.  The NARRATOR comes to stage center.  Then, HARRY enters.)

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, the evil sorcerer, Harry, realized that his riddle might be answered if the King found a worthy riddler.  So, Harry decided to insure that his riddle would go unsolved, the vile wizard went in search of a moron.  A scapegoat that he could use to mislead the King.  And, who do you think he came upon crying in the village square?

(HARRY overhears the HERO, who is presently weeping rather loudly)

HERO:
Oh, woe is me!  I am without money for bread!  What will mother think when I return breadless?

(HERO continues to weep as HARRY approaches him)

HARRY:
Excuse me, young man, I couldn’t help but see that you are crying.  What ails you, my boy?

HERO:
My mother sent me to buy bread, but some bandits took my money.  (Starts weeping again)

HARRY:
Hmm, truly this is an unfortunate plight.

HERO:
(Wiping eyes, doesn’t comprehend)  What?

HARRY:
You’re up a creak without a paddle, my boy.

HERO:
Oh, yeah.

HARRY:
(To HERO)  Tell you what, though.  I think I know how you can make a quick buck and buy your bread.  (To audience, wickedly)  And to insure that the Princess is forever under my spell!

HERO:
You do?

HARRY:
(To HERO)  Why, yes.  The King is offering a big reward for anyone who comes…uh, to the castle this afternoon.  (To audience, maniacally)  And answers my ingenious riddle to lift my wickedly clever curse

HERO:
He will?

HARRY:
(To HERO)  Yes, yes, I swear.  Just follow me to the castle and he will give you your reward.  (To audience, deviant)  The Princess will be mine or my favorite color isn’t fuchsia! 

HERO:
All right!

HARRY:
(To audience)  Very well, my boy, come with me to the castle.  (To HERO, evilly)  This buffoon will never realize that I’m using him for my own sordid purposes!  (Then, he realizes his error)

HERO:
Huh?

HARRY:
Scratch that.  Come with me, my boy.

(The two exit)

ACT TWO/ Scene One:

(Scene:  The Castle Courtyard.  The KING, the PRINCESS, a KNIGHT and a GUARD are presently on stage.  The NARRATOR enters and goes to center stage.)

NARRATOR:
So, the idiot…er…Hero went off to the King’s Castle under the false pretenses of the evil sorcerer.  Now, while this was going on, the King was at his wit’s end.  Many attempted to solve the wizard’s riddle, but all failed.  So, the King had their head’s cut off as reconciliation.

KING:
Come forward, young knight.  What is your name?

KNIGHT:
I am Sir Rosebud, my Lord.  I come from the land of Milk and Honey.

(HERO and HARRY enter and join the crowd)

KING:
Have you an answer for the riddle which curses my beloved daughter?

PRINCESS:
Oh, boo-hoo!  Look at my thighs!  I’m too fat!  Father, do I look fat to you?

KING:
(Ignoring her)  Quickly now.  Do you have an answer?

HERO:
(To HARRY)  What’s going on?

HARRY:
Oh, nothing.  It’s just a riddle-solving contest.  Nothing important.

HERO:
Oh.

KNIGHT:
Could you repeat the riddle, my Lord?

PRINCESS:
Father, does my butt look too big?

KING:
No, dear.  Your butt is fine.  (To KNIGHT)  The riddle is:  “What does a fool inspire in others, but never inspires in himself.”

KNIGHT:
Hmm, interesting, let me see…

KING:
Well, do you have an answer for this riddle?

KNIGHT:
I’m thinking, I’m thinking!

PRINCESS:
Oh, Father!   I think my hair is starting to fall out!  Look at this!  Look!  (She holds up a fist as if she just pulled out some of her hair)  I’m fat and I’m going bald!  Wah!

KING:
Answer now or lose your head!

KNIGHT:
Broccoli!  The answer is Broccoli!

(KING glares at the KNIGHT for a beat, then he turns to the GUARD)

KING:
Take him to the chopping block!

KNIGHT:
No, no!  Just give me a second chance!  I wasn’t ready!

(The KNIGHT is dragged off by the GUARD)

KING:
Is there anyone else who can solve this riddle and cure my daughter of her depression?

(Silence.  HARRY shoves HERO in front of the KING)

HARRY:
Oops.

KING:
You, young man?  Do you know the secret of mortal happiness?

HERO:
Oh, no.  I just tripped I….(He sees the PRINCESS for the first time, he is silenced by her  beauty)  Why is the Princess so sad?

KING:
A wizard put a curse on her.  Now, do you have an answer or will you join the Knight at the chopping block?  (GUARD re-enters)

HERO:
(Still enthralled by the PRINCESS)  Why would such a pretty woman be so very sad?

KING:
Take him away!

HERO:
(GUARD starts dragging him away)  Wait, my Lord!

HARRY:
(Disguising his voice)  Let the boy speak!  (Woman’s voice)  Let him speak, King!  (Old man voice)  By golly, let’s hear the youngster!

KING:
Oh, all right.  Release the boy.  (GUARD releases HERO)  Well, what have you to say, boy?

HERO:  
(Still staring at PRINCESS, he starts speaking and his voice is brave and confident)  My Lord, I am not a bright man but I would go to the ends of the Earth to bring back the smile to your daughter’s lips.  I ask that you give me one day, one full day, to find the answer to this riddle.  If I cannot solve this riddle, then you may do with me as you please.  But, if I do solve the riddle, all I ask in return is for a single loaf of bread to bring to my mother.

(All sigh at the innocence of the HERO)

NARRATOR:
Now, the King was no dunderhead.  He knew a good thing when he saw it.  Not only would the Hero solve the riddle, but he would do it for nothing more than a mere loaf of bread.  The King saw this as a great advantage.  Not only would he get his daughter back, but he could give her hand in marriage to someone more worthy of her royal title.  Namely, someone with lots and lots of money.  The King couldn’t pass up this opportunity and he was running out of time.  Plus, if the Hero failed, the King would just cut his head off…one of the King’s favorite past times.

KING:
Very well, my boy.  I will give you one day.  You will return to this court when the sun reaches its highest point in the afternoon sky come tomorrow.

HERO:
(Dumbly)  Huh?

KING:  
You will return tomorrow afternoon!  Now, my daughter is tired and the riddling is done for today.

PRINCESS:
Father?  Does our family have a history of premature balding?  (She tugs at her hair while the KING shakes his head and leads the PRINCESS off stage)

(HARRY grabs the HERO and pulls him away)

HARRY:
Well done, my Lord.  You are braver and a little smarter than I thought.

HERO:
(Still dazed)  I don’t know what came over me.  I just saw her, those sad eyes and the words came spilling out of my mouth.  (Realization)  By the Gods!  What have I done?  I’m dead meat!  I can’t answer the riddle!  I’m a moron!

HARRY:
Not so, my boy.  Not so.  Old Harry will help you.  That’s right, Old Harry the Wise, will help you solve this riddle.

HERO:
You will?  Oh, thank you!  Thank you so very much!

HARRY:
By the way, what is your name?

HERO:
Well, my mother always calls me “dumb ass”.

HARRY:
Really?  Well, that won’t do.  How about I call you…HERO.

HERO:
Hero.  I like that.  Doesn’t it mean something?

HARRY:
It does now.

(They exit.  NARRATOR goes to center.)

NARRATOR:
And, that is how the Hero began his Quest.  The odds were stacked against him.  But, Harry the Wise a.k.a. Harry the Evil Sorcerer would help the boy…to an early grave.

ACT TWO/ Scene Two:

(Scene:  The village.  HARRY and the HERO enter, there is a BODY lying on stage with a large sword stuck in its chest.)

HARRY:
First of all, you’ll need a weapon if you’re going to undertake this quest.  After all, man is inherently violent due to his excessive hormone problems.  I think I have just the thing.  (HARRY pulls the sword from the BODY)  A sword.

HERO:  
(Takes the sword)  Wow!  A sword!  (Pause)  It looks much like the sword my Father used to beat me with.

HARRY:
That’s nice.  You will also need some armor and some clean clothing.  (A MAN comes walking by and HARRY steals his purse of coins, then he hands the coins to HERO)  Take these coins.  I hear Medieval Mart is having a sale on chain mail and leather jerkins, you might check there.

HERO:
Medieval Mart?  Thank you.  But, what about a steed?  If I’m going to go on a Quest, I’ll need a steed to get me there.

HARRY:
Transportation, eh?  Hmm… (KID comes riding by on a tricycle)…I’ve got it!  I’ll be right back!   (HARRY pushes KID off of trike, KID runs off crying.  HARRY gives trike to HERO)  Here is your faithful steed.

HERO:
But, that’s a tricycle.

HARRY:  
Sorry, it’s the best that I can do.  It’s that damnable recession, it’s affecting everyone in the kingdom.  Is there anything else I can do?

HERO:
Yes.  In which direction should I begin my search?

HARRY:
Hmm, let me see.  Eenie, meenie, mienie, moe…North.  Go, north, young man.

HERO:
Why, north?

HARRY:
Because I said so!  Now, I can assist you no further!  Be gone with you, you’re wasting valuable daylight.

HERO:
Very well!  I shall find the answer to this riddle!  I shall find the secret of happiness!  I shall save the Princess and win the bread for my dear mother!  (Thinks)  Uh, which way is north?

HARRY:
That way!

HERO:
Thank you, my friend.  I shall not fail.  I promise!  (HERO peddles off stage)

HARRY:
We shall see.  We shall most certainly see.

(He laughs maniacally, ending with a phlegm-filled cough.  Then, he exits off stage as well.)

ACT TWO/ Scene Three:

(Scene:  The wilderness, a dirt road.  The NARRATOR enters and goes to center stage.)

NARRATOR:
The Hero begins his journey after making a quick stop at Medieval Mart.  There he purchased some armor and clean clothing.  On his way north, the Hero came upon three unique travelers.

(Enter HERO on tricycle, then three travelers enter opposite side.  The HERO runs into the three, sending all their worldly possessions scattering across the stage revealing one to be a BARD, the other a PAINTER and the last a POET.)

HERO:
Hello.  I am searching for the secret of mortal happiness.  Might one of you be able to answer this riddle?

BARD:
The secret of happiness, eh?  That’s a toughie.  But, alas, I am only a poor musician.  However, my music brings me much joy.  I can reach great heights of ecstasy with my lyre.  Here, why don’t you try.  (Gives lyre to Hero)

NARRATOR:
The Hero tried his luck with the instrument.  But, he did not find the secret in Music.  However, he did discover that he was tone-deaf.

(HERO irritably thrusts the lyre at the BARD.  The BARD walks off stage.)

HERO:
(To PAINTER)  Do you know the secret of happiness?

PAINTER:
But, of course.  For you see, I am a Painter.  I can make happiness with my colors, brushes and canvas.  You try, non?  (Gives HERO palette, brush and canvas)

NARRATOR:
For a while, the Hero amused his baboon-like brain with this activity.  (HERO drops brush, begins painting with his fingers then holds up his masterpiece for approval.  The PAINTER scoffs at him; in anger, the HERO thrusts the canvas over the PAINTER’s head.  The PAINTER storms off stage)  However, he soon realized that he was not only tone-deaf but colorblind as well.  So, he moved onto the final traveler.

HERO:
(To POET)  Can you help me find the secret of happiness?

POET:
Who?  Me?  Why, I am only a meager poet.  I focus on the pain and torment that man must endure.  But, I do find great happiness in my writings – in the words and symbolism.  Here, let me recite to you my latest work.  It is entitled:  “Plea To My Ex-Lover”…

My lover and I have parted ways.
The pain I feel no one can endure;
She has cut my heart into fillets.
My pain has begun.  You can be sure.

You could go and hire a gang of brutes
To feed me to a starved moray eel.
Rack me with a pair of steel-toed boots,
That doesn’t compare to the pain I feel.

My unending pain is like a bee
Stinging the inside of my eyeball.
My pain is like a blade ‘tween my knee
And I cannot pull it out at all.

And, yet by any means, I would not take her back.
Not for all the tea in China.  Not for a Cadillac.
Not even for a wet-and-wild tête-à-tête
With the Swedish Bikini Team.  (Considers)  No, not even for that.
For you see, she not only stole my heart and soul
But, she also kidnapped my poor cat, Leopole.

She took back her kinky lingerie
Which I would…(Suggestively)…I won’t get into that.
She stole my bottle of Tanqueray
Which mother made from her special vat.

But, my lover broke the camel’s back
When she took from me our special key.
This key wasn’t a kind of bric-a-brac,
It was much more important to me.

This key was not the key to my heart
Nor, was it for the door to my car.
It was for a more important part
And, it is all I want back, by far.

For you see, she was a rather jealous lover.
So, she purchased for me a unique gift like no other.
She had to be sure that I remained pure and chaste.
Let me end this mystery and show you the gift post-haste.

(Drops his pants, revealing a locked chastity belt)

So, my plea to my ex-lover is this simply:
Give back the key, because I really have to pee.

(The POET ends with head down, then looks up to HERO)

So, what do you think?

HERO:
Umm, I think I have to go now.  (Rides off on trike)

POET: 
All right.  I hope you find the answer to your riddle.  (POET waddles off-stage)

NARRATOR:
So, the Hero continues his journey.  He heads further and further north.  Eventually, the Hero reached the Forest of Dimwits where he came upon a peculiar fellow. 

ACT TWO/ Scene Four:

(Scene:  Forest; enter SCIENTIST who goes over and hugs a tree, clinging to it for dear life.  He stares up at the sky expectantly.  Re-enter HERO who notices the SCIENTIST.)

HERO:
Greetings.  (SCIENTIST ignores him)  Might I ask why you are hugging that tree there?

(SCIENTIST still does not respond)

HERO: 
Hello?  What ails you, friend?  Are you deaf?  Dumb?

SCIENTIST: 
Shh!  Be very, very quiet.  I am calculating the amount of time we have left.

HERO:
The amount of time we have left?  What are you talking about?

SCIENTIST:
I am talking about the end of the world.  In a few moments, the Earth will turn upside down.  In that instant, everything will fall off the face of the planet save for the trees and mountains which are attached to the ground.  That is why I am holding onto this tree here.  I have been figuring the methodology and deciphering the mathematical equations to discover the single moment that the world would tip over.  I’ve used logic and my education as a Scientist to discern that it would happen during this show!

HERO:
Let me ask you something…do you find happiness as a Scientist?

SCIENTIST:
Oh, yes, it brings me much joy!  I love solving the many problems that baffle mankind.  I especially enjoy the perks of being a Scientist – the money, the prestige, the women.  I think I am the happiest person on the face of the planet!

HERO:
(Turns to audience, back to SCIENTIST)  Could this be the secret?  The answer?  Science?  Logic?  Mathematics?  Money?  (The SCIENTIST begins rising up from the stage; he holds onto the tree)  Perhaps, perhaps Science can discover the equation of happiness.  (SCIENTIST raises higher, he is mouthing for help as he struggles to hold on)  Maybe, even make a machine or a pill which could make everyone happy.  (SCIENTIST is sucked up from the stage)  What do you think?  (HERO turns to where the SCIENTIST was)  Hmm, I guess he left.  Oh, well.

(HERO exits, as lights go down)

ACT THREE/ Scene One:

(Scene:  Same as before, the Forest.  However, a cave entrance is now brought on from stage right.  A MAIDEN enters, chains herself to a tree and speaks off stage right.)

MAIDEN:
Dragon?  Hey, dragon!  Are you there?

DRAGON:
(From offstage)  Yeah?  What do you want?

MAIDEN:
Now, remember our deal?  I’m your helpless prisoner, the sacrificial virgin brought forth to appease the hungry dragon and all that rhetoric and nonsense…

DRAGON:  
Yeah!  I know, I know!  The handsome, young Hero comes to rescue the Maiden from the fire-breathing dragon.  I come out, we fight, I run away and you get yourself a husband.  I know the routine by now…

MAIDEN:
Just remember NOT to eat the Hero unless I say so.  You jumped the gun a bit early last time…

DRAGON:
Sorry about that.  He just looked so tender and juicy.  I couldn’t help myself.

(The HERO can be heard offstage riding his tricycle)

MAIDEN:
Oh!  I hear someone approaching!  Keep quiet and wait for the signal!  Remember, I will yell “Gosh, the sun sure is bright today” if he isn’t good enough.  Then, you come out and eat him.

DRAGON:
Right.  You yell and I get to eat him.

MAIDEN:
Shut up!  Here he comes!

(HERO enters, at first he does not see the MAIDEN)

MAIDEN:
Oh, help!  Please, someone help me!

HERO:
Hark, is that a cry for help that I hear?

MAIDEN:
No, I enjoy screaming at the top of my lungs with my hands bound!  Of course it’s a cry for help, you blithering dolt!

HERO:
Hark, it is a fair maiden bound hand and foot to yonder tree!

MAIDEN:
What are all the “harks” and “yonders” for?  

HERO:
(Pulls out a book entitled:  “How To Be A Hero”)  Umm…

MAIDEN:
I see.  (HERO puts away the book and stares at her)  Hey, sweetheart, as much as I enjoy you gawking at me, I’d really prefer it if you’d untie me before the dragon returns.

HERO:
Dragon? There’s a dragon!?!

MAIDEN:
Shh!  Keep it down or he might hear you!

HERO:
(Whispering)  A dragon tied you up here?

MAIDEN:
No, you moron.  The villagers tied me up here as a sacrifice for the hungry dragon.

HERO:
A sacrifice?  How awful.  Here, let me release you.

MAIDEN:
Hold on a minute.  I have some questions I need to ask you first.

HERO:
All right.

MAIDEN: 
Are you married?

HERO:
No.

MAIDEN:
Do you have a serious girlfriend?

HERO:
No.

MAIDEN:
Okay, how much do you make in yearly income?  After taxes?

HERO:
Uh, I don’t know.  My mother takes all of the money I make.

MAIDEN:
Hmm.  What do you do for a living?

HERO:
I’m a manure farmer.

MAIDEN:
(Disappointed)  Oh, a manure farmer?  Do you live in a nice house?

HERO:
Oh, yes.  I live in a nice, big farmhouse.

MAIDEN:
(A little more excited)  Really? Well, that’s a start…

HERO:
Of course, I live with my mother.

MAIDEN:
Oh, dear.

HERO:
And a bunch of prostitutes.

MAIDEN:  
Prostitutes?  Well, that won’t do at all!  (Turning to cave) Gosh, the sun sure is bright today!

HERO:
Huh?

MAIDEN:
(Yelling)  Gosh, the sun sure is bright today!

HERO:
Yes, it is kinda bright.  But, you shouldn’t yell…the dragon might hear you. 

(Suddenly, there is a loud roar from offstage.  The DRAGON comes racing on as the HERO closes his eyes and whimpers.  The DRAGON is actually just a guy with horns, a tail and a cigar.)

DRAGON:
Rowr!  (He attacks the HERO.  He chews on his arm as the HERO shrieks)

HERO:
Help!  Help!  It’s going to kill me! 

DRAGON:
Chomp!  Chomp!  Gurgle!  Slurp!

HERO:
Ouch!  Oh, the pain!  The agony!  The discomfort!

DRAGON:
Grrowr!  Chomp!  Slurp!

HERO:
(Laughs)  Hey, that tickles!  Stop it!  (Opens his eyes)  Hey, you’re not a dragon!

DRAGON:
I am too!  Now, shut up and let me devour you!

HERO:
(Irritated)  I thought you were some giant, fire-breathing lizard!  I almost peed myself I was so scared!

DRAGON:
(Attacking)  Grr!  Roar!

HERO:
(Pushing DRAGON away)  Oh, just stop it!  You’re no dragon!  You’re just some guy wearing horns, a tail and smoking a cigar!

DRAGON:
No, I am a dragon!  I’ll prove it to you!

HERO:
All right, prove it!  Breathe fire!

DRAGON:
Okay.  I’ll breathe fire.  (He begins puffing on cigar frantically, he tries to spew fire but he only ends in a fit of hoarse coughing)

HERO:
(Walking away)  You’re no dragon.

DRAGON:
I am too dragon!  (Runs over and kicks HERO in the rear)

HERO:  
Hey!  Knock it off!

DRAGON:
I’ll chew your arm off!  (Bites HERO)

HERO:
Oww!  Cut it out!

DRAGON:
You’ll think I’m a dragon when you’re digesting in my stomach!

HERO:
All right!  Since you’re a dragon, I guess I’ll just have to slay you!  (HERO gets on tricycle, he positions his sword like a lance)

DRAGON:
Slay me?!?  Now, wait just a minute, buddy!  (Turning to MAIDEN)  Veronica, tell him the truth!  I’m no dragon!

MAIDEN:
(To HERO)  Oh, he’s a dragon all right!  And, he was going to eat me!

HERO:
(Peddling towards DRAGON)  Die, Dragon!

(DRAGON screams and runs off stage followed by HERO.  There is a loud crash ending with a shriek.  The HERO emerges back on stage carrying the DRAGON’s tail.)

HERO:
(Disappointed)  Aww, he ran off.  I didn’t even get to slay him.  (Looks at tail)  But, I did get his tail.  (HERO looks to MAIDEN, he notices her beauty for the first time)

MAIDEN:  
(To audience)  Oh, well.  Beggars can’t be choosers.  (To HERO)  So, honey, you going to set me free or what?

HERO:
Huh, what?

MAIDEN:
I said are you going to set me free?  What are you staring at?

HERO:
Huh?  Oh, sorry.  It’s just that I have never seen such radiance in all my days…you are simply beautiful.

MAIDEN:
(Succumbing to compliment)  You think so?

HERO:
Oh, yes!  In fact…yes, that must be it!

MAIDEN:
Must be what?

HERO:
Beauty!  Beauty is the secret to happiness!

MAIDEN:
Well, maybe…what are you talking about?  (She looks up at HERO, staring deeply into his eyes)

HERO:
Well, you see I have been sent on a Quest… (Notices her, noticing him)…it’s a long story.

MAIDEN:
You know, you’re quite handsome.  This may seem abrupt but I think I’m falling in love with you.  (The two stare romantically at one another for a moment)

HERO:
I think I love you too.  (Love Theme starts playing as the two go to opposite sides of the stage and run to one another, falling into each other’s arms all in slow motion.  They embrace and kiss passionately then sit down by the tree.  The HERO leans against the MAIDEN, her arms are wrapped around him)

MAIDEN:
(To audience)  I can’t believe this.  I never thought that the whole damsel-in-distress tactic would ever land me a man.

HERO:
Hmm?

MAIDEN:
Oh, nothing.

HERO:
I was wrong.

MAIDEN:
About what?

HERO:
Beauty isn’t the secret.  It’s love.  Love is the secret to happiness.  It has to be!

(They kiss again, then HERO falls asleep in the MAIDEN’s arms)

MAIDEN:
(To audience)  And, mother told me that I would never land a husband!  If only she could see me now.  (She also sleeps)

(At that moment, the LYNCH MOB sneaks onto the stage.  They quickly notice the couple sleeping soundly.  The MOB heads over to the sleeping MAIDEN.)

MOB MEMBER 1:
Excuse me, miss?  (MAIDEN awakes)  I hate to interrupt but I’m a member of the Lynch Mob Union, Chapter 236, as are my counterparts.  (He gestures to the other two).  I was wondering if we could ask you a question?

MAIDEN:
Shoot.

MOB MEMBER 2:
Are you a virgin?

MAIDEN:
Isn’t that a bit personal?

MOB MEMBER 3:
Oh, please, miss.  It’s very important.

MAIDEN:
Well, if you really must know.  Yes, I am a virgin.

(The MOB MEMBERS turn to one another, excitedly mouthing “She’s a virgin!” Then, they grab her.)

MOB:  
(Chanting in unison)  Sacrifice the Virgin!  Sacrifice her to our Pagan God!

MOB MEMBER 1:
She’s innocent!

MOB MEMBER 2:
She’s pure!

MOB MEMBER 3:
She is the stereotypical ingénue found in many contemporary dramas and…comedies.

(They go dead silent as the other two turn and glare at MOB MEMBER 3.  The MAIDEN watches since MOB MEMBER 2 has his hand over her mouth.)

MOB MEMBER 1:
What the hell does that mean?

MOB MEMBER 3:
(Matter-of-factly)  Oh, an ingénue is a young woman…(Realization, plays dumb now) …Uh, I don’t know?

MOB MEMBER 1:
Then, why did you say it!?!

MOB MEMBER 3:
Sorry?

MOB MEMBER 1:
All right, just don’t let it happen again!

MOB MEMBER 2:
Now, miss, if we could just get you to sign this release form so that if any accidents occur during the sacrifice the Union will not be held responsible.  (Hands her forms and a pen)

MAIDEN:
(Signing)  But, I …

MOB MEMBER 2:
(Grabs forms)  Okay, everything’s in order.  Let’s start the chanting.

MOB:
(Chanting in unison)  We’re going to sacrifice a virgin!  We’re going to sacrifice a virgin!

MAIDEN:
Help!

(MOB carries the MAIDEN off stage while HERO continues dozing.  After a beat, the STAGE MANAGER walks on and takes away the tree which the HERO was leaning on.  He falls back and wakes up as the STAGE MANAGER exits.)

HERO:
Huh?  What?  (Looks around)  Fair Maiden?  Where are you, my love?  (He waits then, sadly, he rides offstage on his tricycle)

ACT THREE/ Scene Two:

(Scene:  Forest; enter the NARRATOR who goes center stage)

NARRATOR:
The Hero had learned how beautiful and cruel love really can be.  (Going on a tangent)  One moment, it’s all chocolates and secret kisses; then, the next thing you know you’re at home with two kids while he’s running around with a squad of cheerleaders!  That no good son-of-a …(Realization)…well, anyway, the evil sorcerer Harry decided to check on his idiot-savant protégé.  He had to make sure that the Hero never answered his riddle or ever returned from his Quest.

(Enter HERO on tricycle)

HERO:
(Looks around)  Oh, great!  I’m lost!  This has turned out to be a fine Quest!  I’ve been riding around for hours and I haven’t even killed anyone with my sword yet!

(Enter HARRY)

HARRY:
Well, well, well.  I finally caught up with you, young Hero.  Have you learned the answer to the riddle yet?

HERO:
No, and what’s worse, I think I have some horrible rash on my bum from riding on this tricycle all day!  It’s hard being a Hero!

HARRY:
Well, no one ever said that life was some pajama party with Cindy Crawford!  Life is chaotic!  It’s anarchy!  And, it can end at any time!  But, don’t get your chastity belt in a bind, I shall assist you.

HERO:
You will?

HARRY:
Of course, I will.  Now, let me see.  Ah, yes, just over that hill is the home of a witch…

HERO:
A witch?

HARRY:
Don’t worry, she’s a good witch.  Her name is Crusilla.  If anyone can answer your riddle, she’s the one.

HERO:
Really?  Oh, great!  Thank you so very much!  (HERO rides off stage)

HARRY:
You’re welcome.  (Sinisterly, to audience)  Too bad I forgot to mention that she’s also a cannibal!  (Starts laughing as he walks off stage, trips, gets up and hurries off)

ACT THREE/ Scene Three:

(Scene:  The witch’s hut; a table, two chairs and a large, cardboard box are on stage.  Plus, there is a large cauldron at center.  The WITCH is on stage as the HERO approaches.)

WITCH:
Come in, my little morsel…err…friend.

HERO:
Greetings.

WITCH:
Greetings, young meat…man.  Pleased to eat…meet you.  I am Crusilla, the good witch.  Come in, boy, get out of the cold before you freeze to death.

HERO:
Thank you, kind madam.  (He enters, Crusilla watches him hungrily)  I was told you could aid me in my Quest.

WITCH:
Is that so?  Please, come sit at my table.  I would like to taste…talk to you.  Please, sit.  Now, what is your Quest, my delicious boy?

HERO:
I seek an answer to a riddle.  My life depends on it.

WITCH:
Really?  Come closer, I cannot see you from so far away.

HERO:
Oh, of course.  (Moves closer)

BOX:
I wouldn’t do that, if I were you.

HERO:
Huh?  Who said that?

WITCH:
Uh, no one.  Please, come closer.

BOX:
She’s going to eat you, kid.

HERO:
Eat me?

WITCH:
Don’t mind if I do…(Lunges towards him, HERO gets away)…oh, I’m sorry.  I mean, uh, don’t listen to him.  He’s crazy.  

HERO:
That cardboard box speaks?

BOX:
Yeah and I can do a mean impersonation of Elvis Presley!

WITCH:  
Shut up, you!

BOX:
Sticks and stones, you old bag!

WITCH:
Ugh!  That’s what I get for ordering my spell books from Amazon.com.  

HERO:
Anyway, can you help me?

WITCH:
I might be able to.  But, you’ll have to come closer, I can’t hear so well.

HERO:
All right.

BOX:
She’s a cannibal, kid.

HERO:
A what?

BOX:
She eats people!

WITCH:
Oh, don’t be silly.  (Kicks BOX)  Shut up!  (To HERO)  Please, come closer, I won’t bite…

BOX:
Sure, she won’t.  At least not until you’re in her cauldron simmering in your own juices.

WITCH:
Stupid, cardboard box!

HERO:
You eat people?

WITCH:
Well, only on holidays.

BOX:
Don’t listen to her!  She’s a cannibal witch!  Check out her résumé!

WITCH:
Aargh!  Don’t you ever shut up!  I’ll use your cardboard for fuel in my fire if you don’t quit talking!

HERO:
Excuse me, ma’am?  But, can you help me or shall I go elsewhere?

WITCH:
Yes, yes, I can help you.  Just let me come over there.  I have the answer.

BOX:
Don’t listen…

(WITCH glares at BOX, it shuts up.  She approaches the HERO)

WITCH:
Yes, yes, Crusilla knows all, sees all…

BOX:
Eats all.

WITCH:
(Glares at BOX)  Come, my boy, look into my cauldron.  It will give you the answer to your riddle.  

(She pulls the lid off and moves away from cauldron)

HERO:
Very well.  (He walks over and looks into pot as the WITCH circles around behind him)  What am I supposed to see?

WITCH:
Oh, just keep looking.  Better yet, close your eyes and see with your mind’s eye.  

(HERO does this, WITCH pulls out a salt shaker and begins salting him.  After a beat, the HERO suddenly turns around causing the WITCH to hide the shaker)
 
HERO:
What’s a mind’s eye?

WITCH:
It’s just a figure of speech!  Now, close your eyes and lean over the cauldron.

(HERO does as he is told.  The WITCH pulls out a ‘How To Cook Humans’ cookbook)

HERO:
I’m not seeing anything…

WITCH:
Oh, you will.  You will.  (Turns pages, finds the HERO page)

HERO:
Wait!  I’m getting something!  It’s…it’s…no, it’s nothing.

WITCH:
Keep trying.  (WITCH puts down book and prepares to push HERO into her cauldron)  Look closer.  (She paws at ground like a bull preparing to charge)  You’ll get your answer soon enough…(She launches herself at him)

BOX:
Look out!

(HERO dodges just as the WITCH comes bolting at him; she ends up in the pot, the HERO throws the lid on top.)

WITCH:
Aargh!

HERO:
You’d better tell me what I need to know or it looks like me and the Box are having Witch-Gumbo.

BOX:
Mmmm.

WITCH:
OH!  It’s hot!  Let me out!  Please!

HERO:
Not until you give me the answer to the riddle!

WITCH:
I don’t know the answer!

BOX:
She’s lying!

HERO:
Are you?!?

WITCH:
No, no!  I swear, now let me out!  I’m boiling to death!

HERO:
You can do better than that!

WITCH:
All right!  All right!  Just take off the lid and I’ll talk!

HERO:
No, talk first then the lid comes off!

WITCH:
You’re cruel!  Very well, I don’t know the answer to the riddle but I do know someone that does.  The man who sent you here, the one you met in town…

HERO:
Harry the Wise?

WITCH:
Yes, Harry!  He is no friend, he is actually the evil sorcerer who put the curse on Princess Sally.  He’s using you to keep anyone else from solving his riddle!  He knows the answer!

HERO:
No, that can’t be!  Harry is my friend!

WITCH:
Would a friend send you to meet a cannibal witch?

BOX:
She’s got a point.

WITCH:
Now, I’ve told you all that I know.  Please, open the lid!

BOX:
Don’t do it!

(HERO pulls off the lid and the WITCH crawls out)

WITCH:
Treacherous box!  Most witches get a magic mirror or a flying broom!  But, all I get is a talking, cardboard box!

HERO:
I am leaving now, Witch!  If you value your life, you’ll not trouble me!

WITCH:
Oh, come on.  Can’t you just stay for tea?

HERO:
I think not.

WITCH:  
What?  Oh, just because I tried to eat you that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends…

HERO:
Good-Day.

(HERO exits)

WITCH:
Oh, nuts!  Looks like it’s Ramen Noodles again for dinner.

BOX:
That sucks.

ACT THREE/ Scene Four:

(Scene:  The forest again; enter the HERO on tricycle.  Then, from opposite side the two MERCENARIES enter)

MERCENARIES:
(Singing)  Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  It’s off to war we go!  (Pause, as they try to figure out the other lyrics but they soon give up)  Ya da da da!  Ya da da da!  Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  It’s off to war we go!

HERO:
You’re going to fight in a war?  I don’t suppose that could be the secret to…

MERCENARY 1:
Why, yes, we are going to fight in a war.

MERCENARY 2:
(Threatening, too much testosterone)  And what business is it to you!?!

HERO:
Well, I’m just curious, but why are you going to fight in a war?

MERCENARY 1:
Why, that’s simple we… (To MERCENARY 2)  Why are we going to fight in a war?

MERCENARY 2:
(Scratches head)  Uh, to find that Holy Cup thing we heard about from the King?

MERCENARY 1:
No, we already did that.

MERCENARY 2:
(Thinks again, then…)  I know!  I know!  To force our beliefs on others and to torture and maim those who refuse!

MERCENARY 1:
No, no, no…we already did that, too.  It’s something else…

MERCENARY 2:
(Thinks hard, almost speaks, stops, reconsiders, then timidly answers)  For fun?

MERCENARY 1:
That’s it!  For fun!  (To HERO)  We’re going to fight in a war for fun!

HERO:
You’re fighting in a war for fun?  Who are you fighting?

MERCENARY 1:
(Shrugs shoulders)  Beats me.  Good day.

(The two march off singing the “Hi Ho” song.  HERO is about to exit when HARRY enters.)

HERO:
(Pulling out sword)  You! You deceiving sorcerer!  I know the truth now!

HARRY:
(Sneering)  What?  Are you going to kill me?  Don’t make me laugh?

(He gestures with his hand and the HERO’s sword deflates like a balloon)

HERO:
(Gasps then tosses down sword)  You had this planned out from the start, didn’t you?  You were going to use me so that you could have the Princess for yourself!

HARRY:
Bingo!  And, thanks to you, the King now has only until tomorrow afternoon before he must give Princess Sally to me!  I’m so good!

HERO:
I’ll stop you!  Somehow, I will!

HARRY:
Oh, really?  How could an idiot like you, stop a powerful sorcerer like myself?  Really!  Your father was right to abandon a moron like you.  Oh, you look surprised!  How did I know that?  Well, I read the script…but I guess you couldn’t have since you’re illiterate!

HERO:
Illiterate?

HARRY:
It means that you can’t read.  It’s an insult!

HERO:
I’ll kill you!  (Charges towards HARRY who just yawns and snaps his fingers.  The HERO is suddenly frozen in place)  I…I can’t move!

HARRY:
Of course, you can’t!  It’s my patented FREEZE spell!  (HARRY approaches HERO, walking around him throughout)  You’ve got heart, kid.  I could use an apprentice like you.  The pay isn’t that great but it includes Dental and you get two weeks paid vacation.  What do you say?  Just forget this whole riddle thing and join me.  How about it?

HERO:
(Struggling to move)  Never!

HARRY:
Suit yourself.  But, realize, we’re almost to the point-of-no-return in this here play.  The climax is just around the corner.

(HARRY laughs, then he exits.  After a moment, the HERO can move again.  He runs to where HARRY exited, full of anger, then his shoulders slump and he walks away.  He picks up his sword, gets on his tricycle and rides off on the opposite side.)

ACT FOUR/ Scene One:

(Scene:  A hillside, strike the tree;  the two MERCENARIES are already on stage as is the TRANSVESTITE.  They are battling when the HERO enters.)

MERCENARY 1:
(Attacking TRANSVESTITE)  Kill the knave!

MERCENARY 2:
Get the pretty dress!

HERO:
(Racing to help the “woman”)  How dare you attack a defenseless maiden!

(He leaps off of his trike and wields his sword)

MERCENARY 1:
(Turning towards HERO)  Oh, she’s not… (Gets stabbed by TRANSVESTITE)…a girl!  (Falls over and dies)

MERCENARY 2:  
(Turning towards HERO)  Now, look at what you’ve…(Stabbed)…done!  (Dies, falls on top of other MERCENARY)

HERO:
(To TRANSVESTITE)  For a woman, you certainly are ugly.

TRANSVESTITE:
That’s because I’m not a woman!  Now, DIE!!!  (Attacks)

HERO:
(Retaliates)  And, you fight with no honor!

TRANSVESTITE:
(Sees HERO’s sword)  Hey, I recognize that sword!  

(HERO stabs him; he falls clutching the embedded blade)

HERO:
Die!

TRANSVESTITE:
I once had a sword like this one!  I used to beat my idiot son with it!

HERO:
You beat your son with a sword like this?  (Thinks)  My father used to beat me with his sword!  (Realization)  Father! (Kneels next to his FATHER)

FATHER:
(Embracing)  Son!  (Then, groans in agony)

HERO:
Oh, let me get that out of there.

(He pulls free the sword, FATHER groans loudly)

HERO:
But, father, where have you been all these years?

FATHER:
Well, son, I received my calling and I had to seek my destiny.

HERO:
Your destiny?

FATHER:
Yes, you see, I have become a Militant Transvestite Monk.  But, I was returning to this land in order to see you and your mother.  How is your mother?  Have you been looking after the manure farm while I was gone?

HERO:
Mother is fine.  But, she turned the farm into the village brothel.

FATHER:
I would have liked to see that.  Anyway, I brought something for you.  Something very special.  (Pulls out a dress from his neckline)

HERO:
What is it?

FATHER:
(Gives dress to HERO)  I wanted you to have this.  I wanted you to join me in the ranks of the Militant Transvestite Monkhood.  To fight at my side against evil as father and son.

HERO:
(Takes dress, holds it up to see how it fits)  Ah, Dad!  It’s beautiful!

FATHER:
Now, promise me…you’ll honor my death by wearing that dress everyday of your life!

HERO:
Of course, father, I shall honor you!  Father?

FATHER:
Yes, son?

HERO:
Sorry about killing you.

FATHER:
Forget about it.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  

HERO:
I think mother will be displeased when I tell her about this.  (No answer)  Father?  Father!!!

FATHER:
Bet you thought I was dead, eh?

HERO:
Don’t do that!  You could have given me a complex!

FATHER:
But, now, I think my time has come.

(FATHER undergoes an excruciatingly long death scene but finally dies)

HERO:
Goodbye, Father.

(He clutches the dress and grabs his sword as he rides off on his tricycle.  MERCENARIES and FATHER exit off stage as well, then the NARRATOR goes to center stage.)

NARRATOR:
Now, the Hero, distraught and hopeless, begins his journey back to the Castle.  He has traveled a great distance, met many people but he still doesn’t know the answer to the sorcerer’s riddle.  All seems hopeless as night falls across the land…

ACT FOUR/Scene Two:

(Scene:  The Mad-Hatter’s Tea Party from “Alice In Wonderland”.  Seated at the head of a long table is the MAD HATTER, next to him is the MARCH HARE and next to him is the NOBODY.  They are drinking tea and the MARCH HARE is smoking a pipe.  The three are singing a song.)

MAD HATTER:
A very, merry unbirthday to you!

MARCH HARE:
To me?

MAD HATTER:
A very, merry unbirthday to me!

MARCH HARE:
To you?

MAD HATTER:
A very, merry unbirthday to who?

NOBODY:
To me!

(They go silent and glare at the NOBODY)

MAD HATTER:
Who are you anyway?

NOBODY:
Uh…I’m the Cheshire Cat.

MARCH HARE:
You are not!  The Cheshire Cat never came to tea with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare!  Don’t you even know the story of “Alice in Wonderland”?

MAD HATTER:
Plus, the Cheshire Cat was invisible!

NOBODY:
Umm…I am invisible!  (Puts hands in front of their faces)  See, you can’t see me, so I’m invisible!  

(They leap from their chairs and attack the NOBODY while he cries out such phrases as:  “Ouch!  My ear!”  and “You’re going to rip it off!” and other adlibs until the HERO arrives on stage.  He now is wearing the sacred dress.)

HERO:
Excuse me?

(All stop what they are doing and glare at HERO)

MAD HATTER:
Who are you?

MARCH HARE:
Yes!  Who are you?

MAD HATTER:
Don’t repeat everything I say!

MARCH HARE:
Don’t repeat everything I say!

(MAD HATTER shoves MARCH HARE who topples over backwards)

HERO:
Umm.  I couldn’t help but see that you had food and drink.  I was wondering if I might trouble you for a bite to eat?

MAD HATTER:
I asked you a question, young lady!  Who are you?

NOBODY:
I know!  I know!  Look at the dress!  Look at the rosy cheeks!  She’s Alice!

MAD HATTER & MARCH HARE:
Alice!!!

MARCH HARE:
We’ve been waiting for!  Now, we can finally finish our tea party!

MAD HATTER:
Have a seat!  Give her some tea!  Tea for Alice!

HERO:
But, I’m not…

(MARCH HARE pours some tea for HERO)

MARCH HARE:
Drink!  Drink!

(HERO drinks then coughs and sputters)

HERO:
What’s in this?

MAD HATTER:
A little bit of this, a little bit of that…

NOBODY:
And, I’m the Cheshire Cat!

MARCH HARE:
You are not!

HERO:
I feel a little light-headed and dizzy…

MAD HATTER:
Yes, this tea has that effect.  It makes you happy…

HERO:
Happy?  This tea brings happiness?

MARCH HARE:
You think that makes you happy?  Here, take a puff from my pipe…

(HERO smokes pipe, coughs then giggles)

HERO:  
Wow!  I feel really happy!

MAD HATTER:
Of course you do!  This is what we do all day!  Eat, drink and be merry!

HERO:
Who are you guys anyway?

MAD HATTER:
I’m the Mad Hatter!

MARCH HARE:
I’m the March Hare!

NOBODY:
And, I’m the Cheshire Cat!

(The other two immediately attacks the NOBODY; HATTER begins strangling him)

MAD HATTER:
You are not the Cheshire Cat!

(Then, spontaneously they all get up and go back to their chairs)

MAD HATTER:
It’s time to switch chairs!  Musical chairs!  Musical chairs!  

(All switch chairs as they chant, “Musical chairs!”)

HERO:
What?

(MARCH HARE pushes HERO to the next chair)

MARCH HARE:
(Once everyone is seated)  Actually, we’re not the Mad Hatter, nor the March Hare, nor the…(Looks at the NOBODY)…whatever you are…we used to be real people, we used to be some bodies…

NOBODY:
Yeah, I used to be an accountant.  Then, I lost my job and my wife left me.

MAD HATTER:
I was a carpenter but I drank too much and had an accident.

MARCH HARE:
I was a famous movie star but I had a drug problem and now look at me.

NOBODY:
Then, we found this magic tea and magic pipe.  Since, that time, we’re anybody we want to be except for who we really are!

MAD HATTER:
But, we’re happy!  Oh, so very happy!  (Drinks more)

MARCH HARE:
Smoking and drinking our sorrows away!  No responsibility!  No bills, no family, no problems!  Just merriment forever!

HERO:
Perhaps, this is the answer!  This magical happiness!  This liquid form of jollity!  

NOBODY:
It’s the three W’s of life!

HERO:  
The three W’s?

(All three stand together, arms around shoulders)

MAD HATTER:
Wine!  (Holds up tea cup)

MARCH HARE:
Weed!  (Holds up pipe)

NOBODY:
And women!

(At this moment, the DANCER comes out and begins dancing on the table.  They all hoot and holler as she dances.)

HERO:
This is great!  I love you, guys!  (Drinks and smokes)  I can’t even remember why I came here in the first place.  But, I feel great!  

(HERO joins in the festivities; eventually, lights fade out then after a beat they come back on to represent the passing of night to day.  In the morning, the HERO and the DANCER are lying together on the table.  The other three are crashed out in their chairs.  HERO wakes up, groggy and hung-over)

HERO:
What happened?  I feel sick…

MAD HATTER:
(Waking)  That’s the problem with the magic tea and pipe.  It goes away…

MARCH HARE:
(Weeping)  You’re so happy one minute, then it all just fades away…

NOBODY:
It’s the three S’s.

HERO:
The three S’s?

NOBODY:
Sick, sordid and sober.  

(The three laugh and begin smoking and drinking again)

HERO:
(Suddenly remembers what today is)  Oh, no!  The riddle and the Princess!  It’s today!  I’m late!  

OTHERS:
He’s late!  He’s late for a very important date!

(HERO tries to stand, then finally makes it up.  The DANCER gets up and leaves)

HERO:
I’ve wasted the night away!  It’s already morning!  I have to find the answer before this afternoon!  Oh, no!

(He stumbles towards his tricycle)

MAD HATTER:
Come now!  Just drink some more!  You’ll forget everything!

MARCH HARE:
Take another puff from my pipe!

NOBODY:
We must have our Alice!  We can’t have the tea party without Alice!

HERO:
Leave me be!  I have to answer the riddle!

MAD HATTER:
Oh, come on!  We’re going to be the Three Musketeers next!  You can be D’Artagnan!

MARCH HARE:
Or the Three Stooges!  You can be Shemp!

NOBODY:
Or NSYNC!  You can be Justin Timberlake!

HERO:
NOOOOOO! 

(He rides off as the others call out for him)

ACT FOUR/ Scene Three:

(Scene:  The Hero’s Village; the NARRATOR comes out and goes to center stage yet again.)

NARRATOR:
The Hero returned to his homeland, now dejected, hopeless and dressed like a schoolgirl.  (Enter the HERO on tricycle, wearing dress)  He finally realized that he was beaten.  He fought the good fight, but, in the end he lost.  Fate continued to play it’s cruel joke on the underdog Hero.

HERO:
(Speaking to Heaven)  I just can’t do it!  It’s impossible!  I thought that I had discovered the answer many a time!  But, the only thing I learned is what a big idiot I am!  I might as well go to the castle right now and let them cut my head off!  Just end my stupid existence!

(He begins weeping on his tricycle, as the three PLAYERS enter singing)

PLAYERS:
Hi-Diddley-Dee, an actor’s life for me!

PLAYER 1:
An actor’s!  (Low-note)

PLAYER 2:
An actor’s!  (Middle-note)

PLAYER 3:
An actor’s!  (High-note)

PLAYERS:
An actor’s life for me!

(They see the weeping HERO)

PLAYER 1:
Well, look at this.  Do mine eyes deceive me or is that a young man dressed like a school girl?  What do you think, my fellow actor?

PLAYER 2:
Truly.  It is a young man in a dress, weeping on a tricycle.  Is it not, my thespian friend?

PLAYER 3:
Aye.  Seems to be in a bit of a spot, doesn’t he?  What say you, my tragedian troubadour?

PLAYER 1:
Let us inquire about the young man’s ailments.  (To HERO)  Excuse me, sir, what might your troubles be?

HERO:
What is it to you?  Do you wish to add to my troubles?

PLAYER 2:
Oh no, we are merely three traveling actors.  If you don’t wish to tell us, so be it.

(They are about to exit)

HERO:
All right.  Here’s the situation.  I was sent by the King to break the evil sorcerer’s curse which was placed on the beautiful Princess Sally…

PLAYER 3:
Ah.  A noble quest… (They gather around HERO and react throughout his speech)

HERO:
I had to answer the wizard’s riddle by this afternoon and if I don’t the King will have my head cut off.  Anyway, I got some help from someone I thought was a friend but he turned out to be the evil sorcerer instead.  Then, to top that off, I accidentally killed my father except I didn’t know he was my father at the time.  But, what’s worse, he turned out to be a cross-dresser and he insisted that I wear this dress to honor his death!  Now, I’m just sitting here, waiting for the clock to strike twelve and for my life to end.

PLAYER 1:
That is rather grim.  Yet, darkly humorous.

PLAYER 2: 
I concur.  It could make a good play, if the hero wasn’t so pathetic.  

PLAYER 1:
Perhaps he should have an infatuation with his mother.

PLAYER 2:
Yes!  And, he could accidentally marry her then when he finds out she is his mother…

BOTH:
He stabs out his eyes!

PLAYER 3:
(Ignoring the other two)  What is the riddle, my friend?

HERO:
Huh?

PLAYER 3:
What was the wizard’s riddle?

HERO:
Oh, you don’t want to hear it.  It’s stupid.

(Others listen)

PLAYER 3:
No.  I truly want to hear it.

HERO:
Very well.  It goes like this:  “What does a fool inspire in others, but never inspires in himself.”

(PLAYERS think about it, a beat passes then PLAYER 3 whispers into the HERO’s ear)

HERO:
That’s it?  I can’t believe it!  That’s the answer!  It’s so simple!  I can’t believe the answer is just…

PLAYER 2:
Ah!  Ah!  Don’t give it away yet, you don’t want our fine audience leaving before the play is over!

PLAYER 1:
Don’t worry, they can’t leave…we haven’t stamped their parking vouchers yet.

HERO:
Well, I’m off to the castle then!  Thank you, my friends!   Thank you so very much!

(He rides off on his tricycle)

PLAYER 2: 
(To PLAYER 3)  So, do you think he’ll make it?

PLAYER 3:
Nah, he’s dead meat.

(They exit; PLAYER 1 may need to exit early to play the KING)

ACT FOUR/ Scene Four:

(Scene:  The Castle Courtyard; everyone is present – KING, PRINCESS and eventually TWO GUARDS come on stage.  HARRY enters last.)

HARRY:
Well, it looks like your time is up, your Lordship.  So, what shall it be?  Is the Princess mine or will she be forever depressed?

PRINCESS:
Oh, father!  He’s so old and ugly!  I’d rather kill myself than marry him!  (Considers)  I think I will!  

(She attempts to strangle herself, the KING stops her)

KING:
Very well, Sorcerer.  You win!  I will give my daughter to you in marriage if you lift the curse!  (Afterthought)  I can’t believe that I put my faith in that idiot manure farmer!  His head will roll for this outrage!

PRINCESS:
Maybe, if I swallowed my tongue… 

(She attempts to swallow her own tongue while the KING and HARRY stop her.  Just then, the HERO rides in on his tricycle)

HERO:
Stop!

(The KING and HARRY, with their fingers in the PRINCESS’s mouth, turn and glare at the HERO; the PRINCESS also looks at him)

KING:
Guards!  Take him to the chopping block for wasting my time!  (Afterthought)  But, save the dress!

HERO:
(As GUARDS grab him)  Wait!  Your Majesty!  I know the answer to the Sorcerer’s Riddle!

HARRY:
Oh, do you now?  (He suddenly casts a spell, music comes on and the HERO unwittingly begins to dance uncontrollably)  Let’s see if you can answer the riddle while under my Spell-Of-Happy-Feet!

(The song:  “I’ve Got Those Happy Feet” plays)

HERO:
Can’t….stop….dancing…

(HERO continues to dance ridiculously, he knocks away the GUARDs and dances with the KING.  He releases the KING and ends up with his dress over his head.  Everyone in the courtyard begins to laugh, including HARRY.  Then, the PRINCESS approaches the HERO who is now free of the dress and doing the Cold-Jello-Down-The-Pants Dance.)

HARRY:
(Worried)  No…

(The PRINCESS watches the HERO do his ridiculous dance; then, her eyes begin to brighten.  A smiles sneaks onto her lips, tears fill her eyes.  She opens her pretty mouth and begins to laugh and laugh and laugh.  Her laughter silences the others, her laughter fills the halls and the entire kingdom.  Well, not literally, but at least figuratively.)

HARRY:
NO!

(At this point, the spell is broken and the HERO is able to stop dancing)

HERO:
Yes!  You, evil son of a goat!  I broke the curse and now I solve your riddle!  “What does a fool inspire in others, but never inspires in himself?”  The answer is:  Laughter.  It’s just laughter.  Everyone laughs at the fool except for the fool himself!

HARRY:
NOOOOOOO!!!!

KING:
(Glaring at HARRY)  Guards!  Take him away!  

(The GUARDs approach the sorcerer as the KING exits to change into MOB MEMBER 1.  Suddenly, HARRY yells and waves his arms.  The GUARDs go flying offstage.  HARRY slinks towards the HERO and the PRINCESS.)

HARRY:
How…how can this be?!?  You!  The village idiot!  The manure farmer solved my ingenious riddle!  I’ll get you!  I’ll get both of you!  Just you wait!  I’ll get you in the sequel!  It will be called:  “Harry’s Revenge”!  Oh, yes!  Just you wait and see!

(At this moment, the LYNCH MOB comes running on stage)

MOB MEMBER 1:
Hey, it’s that evil sorcerer!

MOB MEMBER 2:
Yeah.  Didn’t he turn your brother into a newt?

MOB MEMBER 3:
What does the Lynch Mob Union say about Evil Sorcerers?

HARRY:
Get away from me, you buffoons!

MOB MEMBER 1:
Statute Number 154.  “If in the presence of an evil sorcerer, under the Union Constitution, any Lynch Mob may and will apprehend the sorcerer, tie stones to his ankles and throw him into the nearest body of water…

MOB MEMBER 2:
If he floats, then he’s a sorcerer and has to be burned!

MOB MEMBER 3:
If he sinks…well, let’s just hope that he doesn’t sink!

HARRY:
Wait!  Can’t we talk about this?  I mean, I’m sure we can reach some kind of agreement.

MOB MEMBER 1:
Please sign this release form so that if any accidents occur during the drowning the Union will not be held responsible… (Hands over clipboard and feather pen)

HARRY:
(Signing)  Come on, guys!  I can turn lead into gold!  What about the love of some big-busted, scantily-clad bimbo?  I could give you all that and more!  (They grab him)  HELP!!!

MOB MEMBER 2:
Commence with the chanting!

MOB:
(In unison)  We’re going to drown an evil sorcerer!  We’re going to drown an evil sorcerer!

MOB MEMBER 1:
He’s Evil!

MOB MEMBER 2:
He’s a Sorcerer!

MOB MEMBER 3:
He’s the Antagonist of the story!

(The other two turn and glare at their counterpart.  Then, MOB MEMBER 1 walks over and smacks MOB MEMBER 3 upside the head while MOB MEMBER 2 holds on to HARRY.)

MOB MEMBER 1:
I don’t care what it means.  I don’t care why you said it.  But, the next time you say something like that…you’re going to be the one who gets lynched!

MOB MEMBER 3:
(Sheepishly)  Sorry.

MOB:
(Chanting as they exit with HARRY)  We’re going to drown an evil sorcerer!  We’re going to drown an evil sorcerer!

(HERO and PRINCESS are left alone for a moment.  They look at one another bashfully.)

HERO:
So…you’re a Princess, huh?

PRINCESS:
Yep.

(The KING enters)

KING:
(With loaf of bread in hand)  Here is your reward, my boy.  One loaf of bread.  Now, you may be on our way…the kingdom is grateful to you and goodbye.

(He takes the PRINCESS by the arm and begins leading her away)

HERO:
Thank you, my Lord. 

(He turns towards his tricycle and prepares to leave but the PRINCESS stops and turns towards the HERO.)

PRINCESS:
Wait!  (To KING)  Father, that’s not fair!  You offered all your wealth and my hand in marriage to all the knights and noble lords who tried to solve the riddle.  He’s entitled to the same reward…

(HERO watches her intently, KING glares at HERO then turns kindly to his daughter)

KING:
Sweetheart, I know what I said before.  But, do you really want to waste your life away living as the housewife of this manure farmer?

PRINCESS:
(Considers)  Yes.

(She runs and embraces the HERO)

HERO & KING:
Yes?

KING:
But, why?

PRINCESS:
I love him.

HERO:
You love me?

PRINCESS:
Yes, I do.  

(They kiss)

KING:
But, how?  Why?

PRINCESS:
(To KING)  He… (To HERO) …he makes me laugh!

KING:
Laugh?

PRINCESS:
Yes.  Plus, he’s got the best looking pectoral muscles that I’ve ever seen!  Grrr!

HERO:
I do?

PRINCESS:
Come on, big boy, take me for a ride on your tricycle of love!

(The two ride offstage together as the KING follows)

EPILOGUE:

(The NARRATOR goes to center stage for the last time)

NARRATOR:
And, so the Hero solved the riddle and won the heart of the Princess.  Yackety-schmackety, blah blah blah!  The Hero’s mother finally got her loaf of bread and everyone lived happily ever after…(Takes a step away, turns back)  Well, actually, the Hero and the Princess lived happily ever after but everybody else’s life still pretty much sucked!  Now, get out of here.  I have to take a whiz!

(Lights fade to black as the play ends)

Costumes/ Personal Properties

Audience Member:  Contemporary clothes, casual

Hero:   Potato sack, shoes; shirt, hat, purse; chain mail, leather jerkin, sword; dress

Narrator:  A traveler’s garb 

Harry:  Sorcerer’s Robes, Sorcerer’s Hat

Player One: 
Mob Member 1:  Potato Sack, Stocking Cap
Bandit 1:  Bandit’s Mask
King:  Robe, Crown, Sceptre
Dead Body:  Sword
Bard:  Lyre
Mercenary 1:  Short Sword, Helmet with Spike
Mad Hatter:  Top Hat, Bottle
Player 1:  No hat

Player Two:
Mob Member 2:  Potato Sack, Stocking Cap
Pervert:  Lamb
Bandit 2:  Bandit’s Mask
Knight:  Armor, Knight’s Helmet, Sword, Shield
Walking Man:  Walking stick, Purse
Painter:  Beret, Painting Materials
Scientist:  Lab Coat
The Box:  Cardboard Box
Mercenary 2:  Short Sword, Helmet with Spike
Player 2:  No hat
Guard 2:  Spear, Helmet

Player Three:
Mob Member 3:  Potato Sack, Stocking Cap
Priest:  Priest Wig, Rosary Beads
Bandit 3:  Bandit’s Mask
Guard 1:  Spear, Helmet
Little Kid:  Beanie hat, Tricycle
Poet:  Writing Materials, Chastity Belt
Dragon:  Horns, Tail, Cigar
Father:  Dress, Sword
The Nobody:  Cat Ears
Player 3:  No hat

Princess Sally:
Princess:  Pretty dress (blouse and skirt), tiara
Dominatrix:  Leather skirt, whips, chains, black high heels
Mother:  Plain skirt, business card
Maiden:  White skirt, chains
Witch:  Ugly skirt, witch’s hat
Dancer:  Flashy skirt, veil, scarf

Stage Manager:  Blacks

Settings

Main Backdrop:  Forest, mountains, sun and moon

Stool:  For Narrator

Castle:  Throne, tapestries, pillars, red carpet

Manure Field:  Green tarp, wheelbarrow, shovel

Kat House:  House entrance, sign

Tree:  Needs to be small so one person can carry it off

Cave:  Entrance to Dragon’s cave

Witch’s Hut:  Table, 2 chairs, Box, Cauldron, Door Unit

Mad Hatter’s Party:  Table, 4 chairs

Properties

Shovel
Wheel Barrow
Stuffed Sheep
Whip
Chains
Business Cards
Purse of Coins
2 Spears
Large Sword
Tricycle
Lyre
Palette with paints
Brush
Canvas
Paper
Feather Pens
Cauldron with lid
Large Cardboard Box
Inflatable Sword
2 Short Swords
2 Swords with scabbards (for Father and Knight)
Tea setting
Pipe
Loaf of Bread
2 Books