This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
THE LUNCHROOM
Episode Three
"Quest For the Nintendo Wii"
Teleplay by
Vincent Biga
Story by
Bruce Snyder & Vincent Biga
Created by
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Vincent Biga
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Edward Drogos
STORY EDITOR
Rebecca Parker
CAST LIST
Will Cooper.................................
Joel Mayberry...............................
Brian Vandele...............................
Brock Warner................................
Reicther....................................
Casey Jennings..............................
Chris Hughes................................
Ellen Conner................................
Cathy Matthews..............................
Mr. John Parker.............................
Ms. Diane Ballard...........................
GUEST CAST LIST
Billy Dunham................................
Danny Barnes................................
Jack Costigan...............................
The Store Manager...........................
Cassie Stiller..............................
Colin Murphy................................
Lois Warner.................................
Anne Baxter.................................
Copyright © Bruce Snyder
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING
The camera is focused on the front door. After a moment
we can see movement on the other side. A second later we
hear someone knocking on the door. Nothing happens,
after a second we can hear pounding on the door.
WILL (O.S.)
Open up you jerk bags!
After a moment more of pounding JOEL MAYBERRY walks in
from off camera and opens the door to reveal a not too
happy WILL COOPER.
JOEL
Hey buddy, Whatcha doing?
WILL
Well, I was informed that this was
a last minute cram session for the
S.A.T.s. You know those things that
determine if we get into a good
college or a back water shit hole
that teaches you how to properly
wrestle a greased pig into
submission.
JOEL
What do you suppose they do with
the greased pig once they get
finished wrestling it?
WILL
(while walking in)
I always assumed they had sex with
it.
Joel begins to take notice that Will's none too happy.
JOEL
You don't look too happy.
WILL
Because I'm giving up valuable make
out time with Nadine to be here. I
had pretty good chance of making it
to third base. I'm not even sure
what that is but Chris told me it's
great!
Joel giggles.
JOEL
It's -
He starts to whisper in Will's ear. Will becomes very
upset.
WILL
The S.A.T. people owe my penis an
official apology.
Joel laughs.
SMASH CUT TO:
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
AFTER CREDITS:
FADE IN:
INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - REICTHER'S ROOM - MINUTES LATER
REICTHER and CASEY JENNINGS are sitting around a board
game as a stack of books are near by. The top one we
can't really make out except for the word "S.A.T.s" in
big bold black letters. Will and Joel enter.
CASEY
(Reading off a card)
Go straight to jail, do not pass go,
do not collect $200.
REICTHER
I hate Monopoly! Especially the
special Star Wars edition! Darth
Maul can't handle money any better
than a shoe!
WILL
(Confused)
I thought this was supposed to be a
study session, but here you guys
are playing monopoly?
CASEY
We are studying! Think about it.
We're learning valuable lessons
about economics here without the
risk of real money or real danger.
By the way Joel, you sill owe me a
hundred dollars.
JOEL
I told you Casey, I don't have the
money right now but soon man. I'll
get it soon!
CASEY
I don't think I need to remind you
that if you can't pay you'll have
no choice but to sell your property.
That apartment on 5th avenue is
looking pretty good.
JOEL
Come on man! We can talk this out!
REICTHER
I hate this game.
Reicther picks up the board and flings it into a wall;
paper money is thrown about everywhere, no one really
seems surprised by what Reicther has done.
REICTHER
Well, now that we're all here we
can finally get down to business.
WILL
Wait, what about Brian?
JOEL
Brian backed out.
WILL
What? Why?
JOEL
He skipped out. In fact, he should
be in line for the Wii right now.
WILL
I thought that thing came out
months ago.
CASEY
Well yeah, but you forget, this is
Centerville. Living in this run
down hell hole it's a miracle that
we even got it this decade.
CUT TO:
EXT. WAL-MART - SAME
We see Brian wearing a backpack, approaching a group of
three tents stationed outside the doors of the store
under a huge "Wii Line Starts Here" sign. Three very
geeky looking young men are sitting around talking. They
are BILLY DUNHAM, JACK COSTIGAN, and DANNY BARNES. Brian
nervously takes a seat off to the side of them, not
saying anything. The other three are laughing and having
a good time.
After a moment Brian gathers his courage.
BRIAN
Excuse me...
No one hears him.
BRIAN
(little louder)
Excuse me.
Still nothing.
BRIAN
(tapping Billy
on the shoulder)
Hey.
The three men stop talking and they all turn to look at
him all with very serious expressions.
BILLY
Yeah?
BRIAN
(very nervous)
Is this the line for the Wii?
BILLY
Yeah, you here to get one?
BRIAN
Yeah.
BILLY
Why didn't you say so? Sit your ass
down and have some hot chocolate!
BRIAN
You guys have hot chocolate?
BILLY
Of course we do! Come on, sit, sit.
Brian moves to join them, still a little confused and
shocked by their hospitality.
BILLY
What's your name anyway?
BRIAN
I'm Brian.
BILLY
My name's Billy and these two are
Danny and Jack.
Brian exchanges handshakes with Danny and Jack.
BRIAN
How long have you guys been out
here?
DANNY
(very casually)
Oh, about three days.
Brian is shocked.
BRIAN
Three days? Why so long?
DANNY
Had to beat the mobs right?
Brian looks around at the other people coming in and out
of the store, paying no attention to the Wii line.
BRIAN
Yeah, I guess so. So, what have you
guys been doing to pass the time?
JACK
Well were we're actually just
playing a game of Dungeons and
Dragons, but we haven't left town
yet so theirs' still a chance for
you to join in if you want!
BRIAN
(smiling)
Yeah sure!
CUT TO:
EXT. PIZZA PLACE - NIGHT
BROCK WARNER and CHRIS HUGHES are walking down the
sidewalk, heading toward the front door. While Chris is
dressed casually, Brock is in a more dressy attire.
Chris is the in the middle of saying something to Brock.
CHRIS
She's a really sweet girl. She was
my lab partner for Sophomore
Chemistry. Plus she's REALLY into
Anime which I know you love.
Brock suddenly stops before going in. Chris notices
this and goes over to him.
CHRIS
What's the matter?
BROCK
Why am I doing this? I can't do
this.
CHRIS
Oh come on, it won't kill you to go
out on a date.
BROCK
What if she hates me? I mean, I
don't even have my driver's
license. What woman is going to
want that in a man?
CHRIS
Brock will you just calm down? It's
okay to be nervous for a date.
BROCK
Chris, I've got to be honest. I've
never been on a date. Hell, I
haven't even been kissed yet.
CHRIS
That doesn't mat -
BROCK
(overlapping)
I just not ready for this. We
should just go back to my place and
rock out to reruns of "Futurama."
Chris puts a comforting hand on Brock's shoulder.
CHRIS
Brock, let me ask you something.
Aren't you tired of being lonely?
BROCK
Well, yeah -
CHRIS
(overlapping)
Don't you want someone to love you?
BROCK
Yeah.
CHRIS
Then have a coke and smile and shut
the fuck up.
Chris begins to push Brock towards the main entrance.
CHRIS
Just keep the conversation light
and universal. Talk about school,
teachers, the crummy lunches. Don't
bring up your romantic past and
you'll be good.
Chris pushes him in.
CHRIS
(calling out)
See you in a bit.
Chris begins to walk away.
CUT TO:
INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER
The guys are all playing a video game. Will, Joel and
Reicther are having a blast, Casey looks preoccupied. He
keeps looking over at the S.A.T. books with a worried
look.
After a few seconds, he can't take it anymore.
CASEY
Guys...are we ever actually going to
get to studying?
REICTHER
Yeah, yeah, right after one of us
gets a hundred kills then its
studying all the way.
CASEY
(surprised)
A hundred!? That could take all
night!
REICTHER
Don't exaggerate things. It's more
like five hours.
Casey throws down his controller in disgust and gets up.
WILL
Where are you going?
CASEY
I need something to drink.
Casey is about to leave the room but stops. He makes
sure that the others don't see him when takes all of the
S.A.T. books and runs out of the room.
WILL
Hey, how come Chris and Brock
didn't come to this thing? Are they
in line for a Wii too?
REICTHER
Brock took the S.A.T.s last year like
all the guidance consolers
suggested...
(scoffs)
...he's such a tool. I don't know
about Chris though.
JOEL
He's still moody and quiet. I don't
think he's over Kate yet.
WILL
That's understandable.
REICTHER
Who's Kate?
JOEL
Kate...Chris' girlfriend.
Reicther gives him a blank stare.
REICTHER
Chris has a girlfriend?
JOEL
Well, technically not any more.
REICTHER
Kate dumped him?
WILL
No you moron, she committed suicide.
REICTHER
Oh, you mean Suicide Kate! What's
he hung up on her about?
Will and Joel give him an astonished look.
WILL
She committed suicide, Reicther.
You know as in she killed herself.
REICTHER
Yeah I know, but why's he hung up
on her?
JOEL
She died numb nuts! That's what you
do when some one dies, you grieve!
You grieve and listen to sad music,
that's what happens.
REICTHER
That's stupid!
JOEL
How is it stupid?! Someone died!
You're supposed to be sad!
REICTHER
Yeah, but she killed herself,
people who kill themselves
shouldn't have mourners it doesn't
make sense. She didn't care about
her life, so why should anyone else?
Instead I think we should be happy
and take heart that she has found
some peace in her own death. You
guys can be sad for her if you want
but I'm not going to cry for
someone who didn't even love
herself just because it's the
social norm to be sad after someone
dies.
Beat.
WILL
(weakly)
Yeah but...she...never mind.
CUT TO:
EXT. WAL-MART - WII LINE - ABOUT THE SAME
The four geeks are sitting around, seemingly having the
time of their life. Billy and Danny are sitting next to
each other, while Brian is close to Jack. Brian and Jack
are enjoying cups of hot chocolate while Danny and Billy
read a video game magazine.
JACK
Link versus Mario: who would win?
DANNY
Mario would kick Link's ass.
BILLY
Bullshit Link would ram his sword
up Mario's ass before that Italian
plumber fuck could say "Here we
go!"
DANNY
Fuck you.
BILLY
No, fuck you and fuck your Mario
loving ass.
DANNY
At least I'm not gay for Link!
BILLY
Link is not gay!
DANNY
He's queerer than folk.
BILLY
You wanna fight!?!
DANNY
Hell yeah!
Billy and Danny start fighting each other furiously,
Jack and Brian continue to sit and talk calmly.
BRIAN
I don't think it's really fair to
compare the two, they come from
very different game universes.
JACK
Yeah, but its just fun to watch
them fight like that.
BRIAN
Agreed.
Brian gives a big smile.
BRIAN
You know, Jack. This is the life.
Who needs some boring test like the
S.A.T.s when you have good friends
and a video game system waiting for
you.
JACK
You said it pal.
They make a toast with their glasses.
Brian and Jack watch as Danny and Billy struggle for a
few seconds before the Store Manager walks up to
their camp.
STORE MANAGER
Hey, you guys are here for the Wii
right?
BRIAN
(watching fight)
Yeah, that's us.
STORE MANAGER
Well, I've got some bad news.
Billy and Danny immediately stop fighting and look up at
the Store Manager. All four boys have a look of horror
on their face.
STORE MANAGER
It turns out that I kinda read the
stock schedule wrong and well, the
Wii's are coming in this date next
month.
All four look like they are about to cry.
STORE MANAGER
- But I've got some good news!
They all perk up again.
STORE MANAGER
The branch two towns over burned
to the ground...seven brave
employees died...
The Manager trails off, looking depressed a short
silence follows.
STORE MANAGER
(after perking up)
Any-who the good news is they WERE
going to get a shipment of Wii's
today so the surrounding branches
got their run off, this store
being one of them!
All the guys start smiling immediately.
STORE MANAGER
Yep we got ONE of them!
The guys go back to being heart broken.
STORE MANAGER
Now, the fair thing to do would be
to let the guy who got here first
have it.
Jack looks very exited.
STORE MANAGER
But that's boring as shit, so
instead you'll all have an equal
opportunity to earn it.
The Manager starts distributing paper to the guys.
STORE MANAGER
Now, this is a map of the store,
you will notice a path has been
marked in red on it. You four will
race for the Wii following this
track we've marked. Its simple. At
the stroke of midnight the race
will officially begin, first one to
get there gets the prize. Good luck
you guys!
The Store Manger starts to walk back in but stops.
STORE MANAGER
I almost forgot, we'll be playing
the Rocky theme on the loudspeaker
to make things a little more
interesting.
The Store Manager walks back inside with a smile on his
face. The guys look around at each other like total
strangers.
JACK
Well, I guess its between the three
of us.
Jack, Billy and Danny look at the overweight Brian and
snicker before turning away from each other, studying
the map. Brian looks at his former friends with a heart
broken look on his face.
CUT TO:
INT. PIZZA PLACE - LATER
Brock is sitting at a booth. A beautiful blonde named
CASSIE STILLER walks up.
CASSIE
Hello...Are you Brock?
BROCK
Yes. You must be Cassie.
Brock stands to shake her hand. After that they both sit
and make themselves comfortable.
CASSIE
Sorry if I'm a bit late.
BROCK
It's all right.
Awkward silence.
CASSIE
I guess we should order.
Another pause as they study the menus.
BROCK (V/O)
Be calm. Relax yourself. You can do
this.
CASSIE
Wanna split a pizza. I never can -
VOICE (O.S.)
Cassie!
Cassie and Brock turn to see a very muscular jock, COLIN
MURPHY approaching.
CASSIE
(shocked)
Colin?
BROCK
Who?
CASSIE
My ex-boyfriend.
COLIN
Cassie I love you!
CASSIE
Colin I told you before. We're
done with!
COLIN
I don't care! I love you! Losing
you was the worst thing that ever
happened to me.
She's about to say something but stops.
CASSIE
...Really?
Brock can't believe what he's hearing.
COLIN
Yeah. When we broke up I went out
and got hammered. No matter how
many jello shots I did or how many
people I drunkenly fought I still
couldn't get you out of my head.
CASSIE
Aw, how sweet.
BROCK
(to himself)
You've got to be kidding me.
COLIN
Cassie, I'm willing to do anything
to have you back. I'll even quit
playing football.
CASSIE
You would?
COLIN
You brought such a light into my
world that when you left it, it was
nothing but darkness.
Brock scoffs.
BROCK
Who falls for that shit?
CASSIE
Oh, Colin! I love you too!
She jumps up and starts making out with him furiously.
BROCK
Apparently you do.
They continue. Brock slumps down, defeated.
CUT TO:
INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME
Joel and Reicther are on the floor, each is blowing on a
marshmallow in front of their face, a few feet away is a
paper reading ‘finish.' Will is watching the race from
the side.
WILL
Come on Joel kick his ass!
JOEL
I'm -
(Joel blows on the marshmallow, moving it a few inches)
JOEL
- trying!
REICTHER
Eat my -
(Reicther blows moving the marshmallow further)
REICTHER
Dust -
Reicther blows again. They continue racing in a similar
fashion until Reicther gets his marshmallow to the
finishing line.
REICTHER
I told you! I always win
marshmallow races!
JOEL
This is stupid! I don't know why I
agreed to this!
REICTHER
It's because you like the taste of
my dust isn't it Joel!
JOEL
Shut up stupid-wad!
REICTHER
What a great come back Einstein!
JOEL
You wanna fight punk!?
REICTHER
Bring it on!
Joel and Reicther begin fighting. Will looks around as
if puzzled by something.
WILL
Hey guys, where did Casey go?
Joel and Reicther stop fighting and look around.
REICTHER
Hey, that's a good point where did
he go?
JOEL
I think he went to get a drink like
a couple of hours ago and never
came back.
REICTHER
Hey, your right! Search the house,
only God knows what he's doing.
They all head off in different directions to find Casey.
CUT TO:
EXT. WAL-MART - WII LINE - SAME
Everyone is sitting by themselves, not talking to each
other. Each mentally preparing for the coming race.
Brian is looking at the map, depressed.
BRIAN (V/O)
Maybe I should just leave. They're
right, I can't win a race. I
haven't won a race in my entire
life!
Brian gets a sad look and starts to pack up his things,
suddenly a magic 8 ball falls out of his bag. He picks
it up. He looks around to make sure no one is watching.
BRIAN
(whispering, while
shaking the ball)
Do I have any hope of winning this
race?
Brian stops shaking and looks at the ball.
BRIAN
(whispering)
Outlook not so good.
Brian starts to put it away, but he stops and pulls it
back out.
BRIAN
(whispering)
Can I win the race if I use all my
cunning and guile?
Brian checks the ball.
BRIAN
(whispering)
You may rely on it...
Brian looks over his shoulder at the other guys, and
then back at the magic 8 ball with a determined look on
his face.
CUT TO:
INT. CHRIS' CAR - A LITTLE LATER
Chris is in the passenger seat, with an unwrapped, half
eaten burger on his lap. On the radio, the song "Love
Reign O'er Me" by The Who is playing. Chris is staring
intensely at his wallet, which is in his right hand.
His wallet is open to a picture of Kate Davidson. Chris
sighs. Suddenly the passenger's side opens and Brock
quickly sits down. Chris fumbles around, trying to hide
the picture.
CHRIS
(nervous)
Oh, hey buddy! How was your -
BROCK
(overlapping)
Shut it, Chris. Let's just drive
somewhere were I can blow off some
steam.
CHRIS
I guess it didn't go well?
BROCK
No, the OJ trial didn't "go well."
This was a flat out disaster.
Beat.
CHRIS
You want to talk about it?
BROCK
Talk about my emotions? What am I
chick? Just drive!
CHRIS
All right, all right.
Chris starts up the car and starts to drive away.
CUT TO:
INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - SAME
Will, Reicther, and Joel opening doors, desperately
seeking Casey. Joel walks up to a door and tries to open
it, but it's locked.
CASEY (O.S.)
Go away!
JOEL
Casey? Are you in there?
CASEY (O.S.)
Yeah, now piss off!
Will and Reicther walk up to Joel.
WILL
What's wrong?
JOEL
I found Casey.
CASEY (O.S.)
Go away!
REICTHER
Casey! What are you doing in my
room?
CASEY (O.S.)
Something you guys wouldn't
understand! Now go away!
Will, Reicther, and Joel all look at each other.
WILL
What do you think he's doing?
JOEL
I dunno, maybe he's acting out some
kind of weird sexual fantasy in
Reicther's bed room.
Reicther looks horrified.
REICTHER
What?
JOEL
Yeah, maybe he has a weird urge to
like masturbate in his friend's
room.
Reicther starts pounding on the door.
REICTHER
Casey! Get out of there! Stop
violating my room!
WILL
Or he might have a greased pig in
there or something. Who knows,
maybe our good friend Casey is a
into bestiality.
Reicther looks around.
REICTHER
Oh my god where's my dog!? Snoop!
We hear a dog bark from the other side of the door,
Joel and Reicther look horrified. Reicther goes insane
trying to get the door open.
REICTHER
Casey! Get out here now! Stop
sexing up my dog!
WILL
He's not sexing up your dog.
REICTHER
He's totally sexing up my dog!
CASEY (O.S.)
Go away! I'm trying to work in
here!
JOEL
Oh my god he's sexing up the dog!
REICTHER
You leave Snoop alone!
WILL
He's not sexing up your!
CASEY (O.S.)
Snoop is staying. He understands
what I'm trying to do.
WILL
I'll be damned, maybe he is sexing
up your dog.
REICTHER
Casey! Get out here right now!
Leave my dog alone!!
CASEY (O.S.)
GO AWAY!!
REICTHER
Casey! I will break this freaking
door down!
CASEY (O.S.)
Try it!
REICTHER
That's it! This is war!!
Reicther storms off, Will and Joel follow both a little
puzzled.
CUT TO:
EXT. WAL-MART - WII LINE – A LITTLE LATER
The guys are all in their sleeping bags. After a second
we hear a digital alarm. It is quickly stopped and
Brian's face comes on screen with dark circles under his
eyes and a crazy look in his eye. He looks at the other
guys to make sure he hasn't waken any of them up.
Brian quietly crawls over to the sleeping Jack and
carefully removes his thick glasses. Brian breaks out
the lenses and puts them back on Jack's face.
Brian moves on to Billy, Brian notices a bottle of soda,
takes it and carefully pours something in it.
BRIAN
All purpose laxative. God's gift to
miscreants everywhere.
Brian screws the top back on the soda and crawls over to
Danny.
Brian looks at Danny carefully, trying to find a
weakness. He then moves close to Danny's feet and ties
his shoe strings together, careful not wake him.
His work done, Brian crawls back into his sleeping bag
with a chuckle.
CUT TO:
EXT. BROCK'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT
Chris' car has just pulled up. Both doors open and both
Chris and Brock slowly get out. Brock seems a little
more relaxed then before.
BROCK
And then they started going at,
right on the table.
Chris is amazed.
CHRIS
So they made out right in front of
you?
BROCK
For twenty minutes. I had to ask
them kindly to leave so I could eat
my dinner.
CHRIS
You stayed and ate dinner?
BROCK
You seem to be unaware of the power
their breadsticks hold over me.
Chris shakes his head.
CHRIS
That's bizarre man. What's the
world coming to these days.
Brock shrugs.
BROCK
Rarely do love and common sense,
co-exist.
CHRIS
Sorry about setting you up with her.
She seemed so...normal before.
BROCK
It's okay. The food was really good.
Besides there's no way the night
could get any worse.
They've reached the front porch. Brock and Chris enter
the front door.
CUT TO:
INT. BROCK'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Brock and Chris enter and are greeted by extremely loud
music. It's Alanis Morissette's "All I Really Want." On
the couch is Brock's mom, LOIS WARNER who is laughing it
up with her girlfriend, ANNE BAXTER. Both have a class
of champagne in their hands.
LOIS
Hey, there here is!
BROCK
What's going on?
LOIS
Brock, I have great news...Anne
proposed to me and I said yes.
Brock seems very horrified by this news. Chris is uneasy
as well as he knows that Brock's night has indeed gotten
worse.
BROCK
(fake enthusiasm)
That's great.
Lois and Anne seem very bubbly and jumpy about the news.
BROCK
(under breath)
Just fantastic.
CUT TO:
INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - SAME
Reicther and Joel are holding a bar stool horizontally
like a battering ram. Will is standing near by watching.
Reicther gives Joel a nod. A second later the two ram
the stool into the door as hard as they can.
BAM! It doesn nothing except hurt Reicther and Joel.
They drop the stool and hold their wrists in pain.
REICTHER
Boy, that was stupid!
JOEL
I'm in so much pain!
Casey opens the door. Casey stands with a book in his
hand and a shocked look on his face. The dog is running
around the room barking.
CASEY
What's going on?
REICTHER
Did he hurt you Snoop!?
JOEL
You monster! How could you have sex
with that poor dog!
CASEY
What are you talking about!?
REICTHER
Don't play dumb we know about your
furry fetishes!
JOEL
What did you do to that poor animal
you sick freak!?
CASEY
I didn't do anything! I was studying!
Joel and Reicther are confused.
JOEL
What?
CASEY
Well, you guys weren't actually
studying so I thought I would go
off and study myself.
REICTHER
Why would you do a ridiculous thing
like that?
CASEY
Well it is the SAT's guys. These
things are kind of important you
know. They could very well decided
our futures.
Joel and Reicther look at each other, a little touched
by what Casey has just said.
JOEL
You know...Casey's right. We've
been dicks. Big, fat, annoying
dicks!
REICTHER
Exactly. Casey...for the rest of the night
we're going to do nothing but study.
Okay guys?
Will and Joel agree. Casey seems pleased.
WILL
(under breath)
Told you he wasn't having sex with
the dog.
CUT TO:
Title Card: "Five Minutes Later..."
CUT TO:
INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER
Will, Joel, and Reicther are fast asleep on the couch.
Casey is sitting on the floor in front of them, deep in
studying one of the books. He takes a look back at his
friends.
CASEY
To think...they always call me the
dumb one.
CUT TO:
EXT. WAL-MART - WII LINE – LATER
All the guys are lined up at the store entrance in a
running pose. Danny hasn't noticed his shoes, Billy
looks very uncomfortable, and Jack is looking around
very confused. Brian looks very happy with himself and
confident. The Store Manager walks up to the guys.
STORE MANAGER
Well boys, it looks like its almost
time. We've lined the designated
track with shopping carts so there
will be no short cuts or cheating.
I don't care who wins or how, just
make sure it's a good race.
The Store Manger pulls his watch up to his face. And
holds up five fingers. An employee of the distance takes
this as a que and the Rocky theme plays over the
intercom system. The Store Manager starts lowering
fingers, while all the guys look very tense. The Store Manager
drops his last finger and throws down his arm, signaling
the start of the race.
All the guys start to run forward, Danny trips on his
tied shoe laces right away and falls to the ground.
Brian and Billy start running the race, Billy, obviously
very uncomfortable.
Brian and Billy continue running for the electronics
Section. Passing through the toy section Brian grabs a
fun noodle from a nearby display and begins to beat
Billy with it who tries his best to bat it away, all the
while his face grows even more and more pained.
We now see that they are now near the end of the race,
the electronics department is in sight with a giant sign
that reads "Wii here!" There are also a ton of
employee's around the finish cheering them on. The
camera pans slightly to see that the restrooms are very
close as well. Billy looks between the two with a
conflicted look on his face. After a few moments of
torture Billy runs for the men's room.
Billy now out of the race Brian begins to rejoice as he
nears the finish, throwing his arms up in the air with
great enthusiasm.
Suddenly we see Danny running full sprint after Brian.
Danny is swinging his sabotaged shoes around his head
like a mad man, he throws the shoes at Brian's feet like
a weapon.
The shoes wrap around Brian's ankles, causing him to
trip, falling into a display shelf nearby. Danny passes
Brian, laughing at him as he does so.
Brian looks up, defeated, heart broken, when SUDDENLY! A
magic 8-Ball falls from the shelf he knocked over, he
picks it up and looks at it.
BRIAN
Out look not so good, douche bag.
Brian throws the Magic 8 Ball as hard as he can. It
nails Danny in the back of the head, breaking it into a
million little piece. Danny falls to the floors, just
feet from the finish.
Amazed Brian gets up and starts hopping towards the
finish, employees cheering on this amazing upset.
Brian gets to the main counter where his Wii is waiting,
a smiling cashier ready to take his money.
CASHIER
That'll be $250 sir.
A smiling Brian reaches for his wallet.
VOICE (O.S.)
(whispering)
What a loser.
VOICE #2 (O.S.)
Racing for some stupid game system.
Out of the corner of his eye, Brian spots two teenage
EMPLOYEES of the store. They're laughing at Brian.
EMPLOYEE #1
(whispering)
I guarantee he's going to be
leaving at home when hits forty.
EMPLOYEE #2
(whispering)
Dude, quiet. He might hear you.
EMPLOYEE #1
(whispering;
sarcastic)
I'm sure the girls are really going
to be impressed by his gaming
skills.
The two employees start to laugh. Brian begins to look
around.
We can see Jack still stumbling around the entrance of
the store without his glasses, we see the bathroom door
open to reveal a pained Billy who rushes back into the
room a second later. The camera pans to Danny who is
crying on the floor in defeat.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY (BRIAN'S FANTASY)
Brian is now around forty. He's really let himself go:
he's even more overweight then before, he's going bald,
and is wearing stained clothes. None of this matters as
he is laughing it up while playing his Wii.
BRIAN
Who needs a social life or a
girlfriend when you have a Wii?
A big smile comes across his face.
CUT TO:
INT. WAL-MART - PRESENT
Brian looks horrified at the glimpse of the future he
just received. the crowd of employee's are still
cheering him on, except the two teenage ones.
CASHER
That'll be $250 sir.
Brian looks around, conflicted.
CASHER
Sir? Did you hear me? Just give me
your money and the Wii is yours.
EMPLOYEE #1
(whispering)
You can even keep your virginity.
Employee #2 tries to quiet the first one. Brian finally
snaps.
BRIAN
No!
Brian grabs the box, throws it on the ground and starts
stomping on it.
BRIAN
No! I don't want to be fat! I
don't want to get bald! I won't
want to live in my basement! And
most importantly I want to fuck
someone!
Brian keeps stomping on the box for a few more moments,
finally he calms down a bit and looks around at
everyone looking at him, absolutely shocked. He looks
down at the destroyed wires and plastic at his feet.
BRIAN
Oops...
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING
Reicther is sitting on the couch watching TV. After a
moment Will and Joel come in to join him. We can see
from their messy hair that they both just woke up.
They all sit in silence for a moment, watching TV.
WILL
So...did we over sleep and miss the
S.A.T.s?
REICTHER
Yup. It looks like they should be
writing their names right about now.
JOEL
Wow, I can't believe we did that.
WILL
I kind of saw it coming.
REICTHER
I didn't see this coming per say,
but I can't say that I'm totally
surprised.
We hear the door bell.
REICTHER
(shouting)
Come in!
We hear the door open and close. A few moments later a
beaten up Brian comes in and sits on the couch too. No
one seems to notice at first.
JOEL
So what happened to you? Did you
get the Wii?
BRIAN
No, I had a mental break down at
the last second and destroyed it...
then they made me pay for it since
I broke it...then they beat me up.
JOEL
So you waited in line, paid the
$250 dollars and all you gained was
an ass kicking?
BRIAN
Yep.
Beat.
REICTHER
Sucks to be you.
BRIAN
Sure does.
Joel looks around.
JOEL
Hey, where's Casey?
All the guys look around.
REICTHER
Great Scott! He must have made it
to the S.A.T.s.
WILL
What a trooper.
JOEL
That is one dedicated son of a
bitch.
FADE TO:
(BEGIN SONG: The Doors' "Five to One")
INT. S.A.T. TESTING CENTER - SAME
Tables are packed with students, writing away. Near the
back corner there is a table with Casey. He's got his
head rested on the table as he snores away. Suddenly a
small stream of drool starts to fall onto his testing
sheet. Some of the students near by look on in disgust.
FADE OUT.
(Song continues over credits.)
END OF EPISODE
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