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THE LUNCHROOM
Episode Ten
"Waiting for Kirsten"
Written by
Bruce Snyder & Rebecca Parker
Created by
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Vincent Biga
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Edward Drogos
STORY EDITOR
Rebecca Parker
CONSULTING PRODUCER
Max Majernik
CAST LIST
Will Cooper.................................
Joel Mayberry...............................
Brian Vandele...............................
Brock Warner................................
Reicther....................................
Casey Jennings..............................
Chris Hughes................................
Ellen Conner................................
Cathy Matthews..............................
Mr. John Parker.............................
GUEST CAST LIST
Ms. Diane Ballard...........................
Arthur Winchester...........................
David Zimmerman.............................
Debbie Kaplan...............................
Michelle Hicks..............................
Rachel Dillman..............................
Lee Harrison................................
Kirsten.....................................
Dustin Simon................................
Copyright © Bruce Snyder
TEASER
FADE IN:
(MUSIC MONTAGE: Damien Jurado's "Tragedy." Note the
following sequence is one long continuous tracking
shot.)
EXT. AUDITORIUM - HALLWAY - EVENING
The hallway is mostly empty. Two young girls, MICHELLE
HICKS (small, petite, pretty, Sophomore) and RACHEL
DILLMAN (overweight, glasses, Senior) turn the corner
and are talking. Rachel begins to giggle at something
Michelle says before they enter the Auditorium.
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS
We follow Rachel and Michelle as they walk down the
aisle, moving toward the stage. As they would by we
notice MR. JOHN PARKER and MS. DIANE BALLARD sitting in
the middle of the audience. They are going over a MUSIC
SHEET.
We go back to Rachel and Michelle. They continue to walk
and talk until they get to another door and enter.
CUT TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Michelle and Rachel enter. Near the doorway, NICOLE
EDWARDS is standing trying to take a picture. She's very
small, brown hair, and a Freshman. She is trying to take
a picture of LEE HARRISON and DUSTIN SIMON who can't
keep still. Both men wear glasses while Lee is taller
and bit bulky then the very thin Dustin.
Michelle and Rachel enter the Female Dressing room,
while we stay on these three. After a few seconds,
Nicole finally is able to take a picture.
Dustin then walks over to Nicole and whispers something
in her ear. She giggles and playfully hits him in the
shoulder. Lee goes over and enters the Men's dressing
room.
Pan left, to see ELLEN CONNER standing by an exist door.
She is looking outside. We DOLLY in on her until we can
see that she's watching ARTHUR WINCHESTER pacing back
and forth. She seems to confused by this.
ELLEN
That's odd.
As she continues to watch, JAMES KELLY and MARCUS TURNER
come out of the men dressing room. James has lots of
muscle, good looking and is wearing a letterman's
jacket. Marcus is about medium build, with stringy
blonde hair.
As the two walk, Marcus seems to be describing something
in great detail to James. James laugh right before they
exist to...
INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS
James and Marcus continue to talk as they head toward
the stage. Before they get there, Ballard hands them a
couple of sheets of paper and starts to explain them.
Parker is standing right behind her and is looking
around. He then starts to walk toward the entrance of
the auditorium.
When he gets there he opens the door, and pops his head
out.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
WILL COOPER is sitting on the floor, apparently singing
to himself. Parker pops his head out.
PARKER
Will, I need you to pick up one of
the new schedules.
WILL
Oh, okay. I'll be there in a sec.
Parker leaves. Will continues to sing to himself, only
to get frustrated.
WILL
God damn, fucking Kermit the Frog.
He stands.
WILL (CONT'D)
Always fucking around with my mind.
He enters the auditorium.
SMASH CUT TO:
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
AFTER CREDITS:
FADE IN:
INT. AUDITORIUM - FRONT OF STAGE - MINUTES LATER
Ellen is standing near the front of the stage, talking
to Michelle. Will suddenly comes up behind her and
quickly grabs her shoulder. She jumps a bit.
ELLEN
Jeez!
WILL
Do you know the words to "Rainbow
Connection?"
Michelle seems put off by this and leaves.
ELLEN
The Muppet song?
WILL
Bingo. Sung by one Kermit T. Frog.
ELLEN
What's the "T" stand for?
WILL
It stands for "There's a guy with
his hand up my ass."
She laughs.
WILL
So do you know it?
ELLEN
Of course I don't. And I'll tell
you why. Because normal, everyday
people like myself don't know odd
stuff like that.
WILL
I can't believe you can stand there,
call yourself normal and not crack
a smile.
ELLEN
It's real easy with practice.
Will sighs.
ELLEN
Actually now that I think about it,
I do know the words. And the lyrics
to "It's Not Easy Being Green" if
your interested.
WILL
Please, go on.
ELLEN
Spending each day the color of the
leaves.
WILL
(confused)
Not that one!
ELLEN
(overlapping, singing)
Sometime I think it could be nicer
being red or yellow or purple or
something much more colorful like
that.
WILL
You're not going to sing me
"Rainbow Connection" are you?
ELLEN
Ha ha. Suffer.
Beat.
ELLEN
Why do you want to know so bad
anyway?
WILL
My little cousin Linda was watching
one of the Muppet movies and heard
Kermit singing it. But I only heard
a few verses and the rest of it's
mystery.
ELLEN
You shouldn't let yourself get hung
up on something this insignificant.
WILL
The Muppets? Insignificant?
Blasphemy!
ELLEN
(sarcastic)
This must be a part of that
irresistible charm you have.
WILL
It works wonders on the women.
ELLEN
The blind ones or the deaf ones?
WILL
Surprising it's usually a
combination of the two. Is it odd
that the deaf ones really listen to
me?
Ellen playfully hits Will in the shoulder. Will looks
around.
WILL
Maybe someone else will know.
He takes off. Ellen takes a few steps forward before
noticing, ARTHUR WINCHESTER pacing about near the
backstage entrance. He's got thin bright orange, red
hair. He wears a pair of glasses and is about medium
build. He moves a lot when he talks.
ELLEN
You seem jumpier then usual, Arthur.
ARTHUR
Well, I'm kinda nervous.
ELLEN
Why?
ARTHUR
My girlfriend, Kirsten is visiting
me tonight.
ELLEN
Really?
ARTHUR
Yeah.
ELLEN
That's great.
ARTHUR
Yeah, I know that's why I'm so
nervous.
ELLEN
When do we get to meet her?
ARTHUR
Sometime tonight. She didn't
specify. I'd love for you to meet
her.
ELLEN
Yeah, okay. Sure. Just find me when
comes and I'll say hi.
ARTHUR
You got it
Ellen begins to walk away, and notices Arthur is pacing
again.
CUT TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE - HALLWAY - SECONDS LATER
Will is standing around in the middle of the hallway
with Rachel, Lee, and Dustin all circled around him.
WILL
"Someday We'll find it,
the rainbow connection..."
Will signals that he wants them to sing the rest.
RACHEL
I'm still not sure what exactly
your talking about.
WILL
Yeah, you and about everyone else
in this school.
(back to subject)
C'mon, guys! No one knows the
lyrics to "rainbow connection?"
LEE
Nope.
RACHEL
Sorry.
DUSTIN
What's a Muppet?
Will gives him a look.
WILL
(to Dustin)
Get out of my sight!
The three begin to leave, each quieting whispering to
each other. Will runs his hand through his hair.
WILL
(frustrated)
Jesus. I'm letting myself be haunted
by a fucking singing frog.
Suddenly, Mr. Parker enters.
PARKER
Okay everyone, I would like to begin
now. I want to see if we can't get
this done before ten tonight.
Will begins to head into the theater when he runs into
Ellen. Almost immediately he speaks.
WILL
You know what a Muppet is, right?
ELLEN
I always thought it was what happened
when a Mop got drunk and plowed a
puppet.
WILL
Finally someone gets it.
They leave the hallway.
CUT TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
Will and Ellen enter. There are several STUDENTS
running around getting ready to go on. Some are in
costume.
ELLEN
(jumping up
and down)
Oh, oh! Guess what I found out?
WILL
That people who bounce up and down
like that are annoying?
ELLEN
No. Arthur's girlfriend is coming
to visit tonight.
WILL
Get out of here. Really?
ELLEN
Yep.
WILL
(curious)
Huh.
ELLEN
What was that?
WILL
That was nothing.
ELLEN
No, no. It was one of those smug,
pretentious -
WILL
(overlapping)
It was nothing I -
ELLEN
(overlapping)
Really? What was it then?
WILL
Well, in all honesty I though
Arthur didn't particularly like
girls.
ELLEN
You mean gay?
WILL
Yeah.
ELLEN
I guess it takes on to know one.
WILL
It's just one liner after another
with, isn't it?
ELLEN
What can I say. You just leave
yourself open.
They turn a corner.
WILL
I wonder what she looks like.
ELLEN
Who?
WILL
Arthur's girlfriend.
ELLEN
Oh, well she probably looks like...
the kind of person that would date
a person like Arthur.
WILL
Whoa. I can't make jokes but you
can?
ELLEN
Ground rules.
WILL
Which are?
ELLEN
I've known him longer.
WILL
That's stupid.
ELLEN
Thems the rules.
Turn corner.
ELLEN
I honestly don't know what she
looks like. We'll have to wait and
see.
WILL
Wait and see?
ELLEN
(off groan)
Patience is a virtue, my dear.
WILL
Oh, shove it up your ass. I'm
curious.
ELLEN
You're like a little child.
WILL
I'm probably smarter then a child.
ELLEN
I'd say your about even.
Will chuckles.
WILL
What can I say, I left myself open
for that one.
ELLEN
Worse comes to worse she shows up
at the end of rehearsals, meaning -
WILL
(overlapping)
Three hours before she shows up.
Jesus Tittyfucking...
(trails off)
I can't wait that long!
ELLEN
I'm sure you can occupy your mind
with something.
WILL
Wouldn't count on it. I have a bad
case of ADD. I don't even know wh -
(off curtains)
When did we get those back drops?
ELLEN
Porch!
WILL
What?
Suddenly a giant Set Piece in the design on an old
fashion porch is suddenly wheeled in front of Will.
He gets nailed in the head by it.
WILL
Ow! God! Oh, the irony of that
comical plot device!
He catches up with Ellen.
ELLEN
Trust me, the time will just fly by.
They stop. The lights begin to dim, as the rehearsal
begins.
FADE OUT
TITLE CARD: "6:22 P.M."
FADE IN:
EXT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
The lights are dim, and we can hear a musical number is
going on. Most of the cast is on stage, with the
exception of a few stragglers. One of those stragglers
happen to be Ellen.
She is looking around for Will.
ELLEN
Will? Will?
WILL (O.S.)
I'm up here.
We pan up to see he has climbed up a stage ladder. He
slides down.
ELLEN
Can't wait for Kirsten, can you?
WILL
Who the hell is Kirsten?
ELLEN
Arthur's girlfriend. Remember,
she's one the one we're waiting for.
WILL
Oh, no. Actually I was checking out
Marcus Turner.
ELLEN
Red states be damned! I didn't know
you were gay.
WILL
First of all, I'm definitely not.
Second of all, if I were gay, I
could do much better then Marcus
Turner.
ELLEN
No, you couldn't.
WILL
(sad)
Yeah, I know.
ELLEN
So why are you "checking" him out
again?
WILL
He's fighting.
ELLEN
(excited)
Oh! With who?
Ellen walks over, and Will points him out.
WILL
See that's his girlfriend Brittany
something. They've been fighting
since the lights dimmed. Apparently
last Saturday he got drunk and ran
into this chick named Stephanie.
Then suddenly, the next thing he
knows they're both naked doing the
horizontal monster mash.
ELLEN
(confused)
The horizontal monster mash?
WILL
See when a man loves a woman -
ELLEN
(overlapping)
Nevermind.
Will notices that while she's leaning over she has
placed her hand on his shoulder. A big, idiotic grin
comes across his face.
ELLEN
(turning to him)
How long have they been at it?
WILL
(stuttering)
Uh, about five or six minutes.
ELLEN
What a dumbass.
WILL
Who? Marcus?
ELLEN
No, Brittany. Why would she stay
with a guy like Marcus? She knew
what he was like before she started
dating him...everyone does.
WILL
Wait, you don't feel sorry for her?
ELLEN
I know this is gonna make me sound
like a bitch but...I don't.
Will gives her a look.
ELLEN
Hey, don't give me that look of
quiet judgment. You asked for my
honest opinion about it.
WILL
I know, I know.
ELLEN
Do you think I'm a bitch?
WILL
No. Really uncaring and a bit
insensitive to others feelings but
not a bitch.
ELLEN
Listen to this, because I don't
like repeating myself. Marcus
cheats. He always cheats. Every
single woman he's had a
relationship he's cheated on.
Brittany entered this relationship
knowing this all. And when she
entered there was a very good
chance of him doing this again. So
I'm sorry if I don't have that much
sympathy for her.
Beat.
WILL
Still...it kinda sucks for her.
ELLEN
When is cheating ever good.
Will thinks.
WILL
Bingo. Gambling. Driver's test.
ELLEN
Shut up.
She playfully hits him in the shoulder.
FADE OUT
TITLE CARD: "6:54 P.M."
FADE IN:
INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
Will and Ellen are sitting near against a wall. Will is
bored while watching the actual play. Ellen is sitting,
reading from a book.
ELLEN
(without looking up)
Any sign of Kirsten?
He looks around.
WILL
None that I can see.
Beat.
WILL
You know after watching this play
being rehearsed night and night,
I've kinda put off by something.
ELLEN
Which is?
WILL
Did you ever notice that Higgins
paying Eliza to live in his house
and do his bidding is sort of like
slavery...or prostitution.
Long pause. Ellen gives him a look.
ELLEN
Wow, your ignorant.
WILL
Ignorant? Well thank God I'm not
stupid.
ELLEN
Are you joking?
WILL
Depends. Are you serious?
Beat.
ELLEN
Can I be frank for a minute?
WILL
You can be frank as long as I'm
still Will.
ELLEN
Is this whole acting like an idiot
an act?
WILL
I prefer the term "illusion."
ELLEN
So it's an illusion?
WILL
No. I just like the word "illusion"
better then the word "act."
Ellen sighs, while Will laughs.
WILL
Look, I just don't like taking
things too seriously. So I use
humor to get by. It's sorta like a
defense mechanism.
ELLEN
Well, it makes me wonder.
WILL
Wonder what?
ELLEN
Why you hide your true self from
people.
WILL
Maybe people don't want to see my
true self. Look, why are we even
talking about this? Back to
important matters: slavery or
prostitution?
She sighs. She seems to be longing to know more, but
begins to think.
ELLEN
Slavery perhaps, but not
prostitution. Higgins wears his
bowler hat on the other side of his
head if you know what I mean.
WILL
I can't say that I do.
ELLEN
Higgins is a flamer.
WILL
There's not way in hell that any
character played by Rex Harrison is
gay.
ELLEN
He's a mo.
WILL
Rex Harrison is all that is manly
in American cinema.
ELLEN
He's a fairy.
WILL
He scores with Audrey Hepburn for
Christ's sake.
ELLEN
Gayer then Christmas.
WILL
He comes accustomed to "her" face.
ELLEN
Gayer than the Macy's day parade.
WILL
Would you stop that?
ELLEN
I just have one more.
WILL
Fine, go ahead.
ELLEN
Gayer than the men's locker room at
the Ice Capades.
WILL
Finished?
ELLEN
Yes.
WILL
Now explain to me how in the hell
you justify your estimation that
Rex Harrison would ever play a
tweedy, nancy boy.
ELLEN
Alright, think of it this way:
Henry Higgins is a "confirmed old
bachelor" who lives alone with
another "confirmed old bachelor"
and a young, beautiful flower girl
who he exhibits no sexual interest
towards whatsoever. He does,
however, enjoy dressing her up in
beautiful Vivienne Westwood gowns
and taking her to parties.
WILL
Uh-huh.
ELLEN
Still think that Higgins is
straight?
Long pause.
WILL
I hate you.
She giggles.
WILL
Go ahead, laugh it up. I don't
fucking care.
ELLEN
Oh, but you do and that's what
makes it so funny.
FADE OUT
TITLE CARD: "7:35 P.M."
FADE IN:
INT. BACKSTAGE - HALLWAY - LATER
Will and Ellen have moved to the hallway where the
dressing rooms are located. They are sitting in chairs,
playing the card game Uno.
WILL
Damn it all to hell!
ELLEN
Ha! Looks like your losing, Will
WILL
Huh? I couldn't hear you over the
sound of your own arrogance.
She laughs. Suddenly DEBBIE KAPLAN, a gorgeous brunette,
comes in. She is followed by DAVID ZIMMERMAN, a lanky
yet handsome nerd, with large rimmed glasses is
following her.
DAVID
Debbie! Will you wait a minute!
DEBBIE
Ellen, Marcus told me to ask you
about David and towel story?
Ellen burst out laughing. Will is confused.
WILL
What the hell is the towel story?
DEBBIE
Yeah, was it is?
DAVID
No! Don't tell them!
DEBBIE
She hasn't told us yet.
ELLEN
But I plan on it.
DAVID
God, NO!
WILL
What's the towel story?
DAVID
It's nothing!
ELLEN
Oh, it's something all right.
DAVID
Shut up, Ellen!
DEBBIE
I'd like to hear it.
DAVID
I don't think you want to hear it.
ELLEN
I think she does.
WILL
I know I do.
DAVID
Trust me, guys. It's nothing
really.
ELLEN
Oh fine. I won't tell them.
DAVID
Swear that you won't.
ELLEN
I solemnly swear to tell no truth
and nothing like the truth.
Debbie seems very upset by this and begins to leave.
DEBBIE
I don't understand why you can't
tell me.
David chases after her.
DAVID
Because it's nothing at all!
They both leave. Ellen is laughing her ass off while
Will is confused.
WILL
I wanna know what the hell the
towel story is.
ELLEN
No, I can't.
WILL
(overlapping)
Oh come on!
ELLEN
(overlapping)
I just promised David I wouldn't.
WILL
Yeah, but since when do promises
mean anything to you?
ELLEN
I can't.
WILL
If I may quote the great William
Shakespeare: "I like you, but
sometimes you can be real cunt."
ELLEN
Did he really say that?
WILL
I'm paraphrasing, but that's the
jest of it.
Parker enters the hallway.
PARKER
Ah there you, Cooper. See silly me,
I thought you'd be on stage doing
your part right about now.
WILL
Oh shit!
Will jumps up and runs out. Parker follows. Ellen takes
the time to look at Will's cards. She gives an evil
laugh before she starts to switch them.
FADE OUT
TITLE CARD: "8:40 P.M."
FADE IN:
INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
Will and Ellen are standing by the curtain. Ellen is
resting her head on Will's shoulder.
ELLEN
I'm bored, entertain me.
WILL
I can't juggle.
ELLEN
Tell me a joke.
Will thinks.
WILL
Let me think.
While they stand, David and Debbie pass by. We follow
them as they walk and talk.
DEBBIE
David, I've been your friend for
such a long time. I think I deserve
to know this towel story.
DAVID
I don't know. It's really
embarrassing.
DEBBIE
Dave, you can trust me. I won't
judge you. You can tell me.
David thinks long and hard about this.
DAVID
Okay, fine.
He begins to whisper something in her ear just, as a
very nervous Arthur passes by.
ARTHUR
She's just late that's all. It's
nothing to get worried about. I
just need to calm down, I need to
relax.
(singing)
I wanna be an air force ranger, I
wanna be an air force ranger."
He seems a bit more relaxed and moves on. Suddenly
Debbie gasps and begins to run away.
DEBBIE
That's absolutely disgusting!
DAVID
Wait, a minute you said you
wouldn't judge.
DEBBIE
Well, Jesus David! That was before
I found what you did! My God!
She runs off, with David hot on her trail. As they walk
away they pass Will and Ellen. We stay on them. Will is
still thinking of a joke.
WILL
Okay. I've got one. A naked blonde
walks into a bar with a poodle
under one arm and a salami under
the other arm. The blonde sets the
poodle down on the bar and takes a
seat. The bartender says "I guess
you won't be needing a drink -"
Suddenly the prop Porch is wheeled in and knocks Will
down. Parker and a few of the cast members have rolled
it in.
PARKER
Look alive, Cooper!
Will falls to the ground. Ellen is laughing.
ELLEN
(laughing)
Are you okay?
WILL
Oh you think this is funny?
Will grabs her hand and drags her down with him. The
both end up on the ground, laughing.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER
TITLE CARD: "9:04 P.M."
Will and Ellen are sitting on the stage, bored out of
there minds. The rest of place is empty as everyone has
gone home.
WILL
I can't believe we stayed for the
entire practice.
ELLEN
My scene was over an hour ago.
Parker and Ballard enter from backstage.
BALLARD
I think we've finally got the
rhythm down.
PARKER
I think we can almost get this show
done.
(off Will & Ellen)
You guys still here?
WILL
We're waiting for someone.
Parker shrugs, and he continues to talk and walk with
Ballard. They exist.
WILL
What time is it?
ELLEN
I don't know, let me...
She goes to check her watch but a girl enters the
auditorium.
KIRSTEN
You ready to go?
ARTHUR
Sure thing.
They exist.
WILL
I waited three hours for that?
ELLEN
You were expecting a docu-drama?
WILL
No, I just...that wasn't worth
three hours.
ELLEN
It couldn't have been all bad,
could it?
Will looks at Ellen.
WILL
No, it wasn't all bad.
A beat.
WILL
But still, three hours.
Ellen looks thoughtful, puts hand on Will's shoulder.
ELLEN
(singing)
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Beat. Big smiles on both.
ELLEN
Feel better?
WILL
Much.
We stay on them for a few seconds before we slowly...
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
24
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