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(c) 2015 - This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written consent of the author. FADE IN EXT. CAFE - DAY, PRESENT DAY JIM, early 30s, good looks hidden by a layer of paunch and slight double chin, dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, sits alone at an outdoor cafe with an empty glass, looks around impatiently. Nearby, a DOG sits tied up to its owner's chair. Jim makes eye contact with the dog. Dog growls. Jim scoots his chair away nervously. Jim stares at the table and frowns. Looking around to make sure no one notices, he takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and starts wiping up the grime on the table. He looks at handkerchief, disgusted, starts to put it back in his pocket, then thinks better and shoves it to the edge of the table. He looks back towards the street, his eyes light up as he sees TRISH, late 20s, a knockout in a lowcut blouse, only her torso visible above the cafe fencing. She comes through the cafe gate, Jim's face falls as he sees the leashes in her hand attached to three slobbering dogs including BUBBLES, a small white furry dog. TRISH (walks over and pecks Jim on the cheek) Hi, sorry I'm late. JIM (scoots away) Ach, why'd you bring all those dogs with you? (pushing dogs away) Don't you know those things are just giant germ carriers? TRISH Well, good morning to you too. I told you, I'm keeping Bootsie for a friend, and I walk Penny here on Thursdays... JIM (nods at Bubbles who bares his teeth at Jim) What about that one? TRISH (picks up Bubbles) Jim, this is my dog! JIM Oh yeah, did you do something with his hair? TRISH Baby, how long have we been going out? JIM I don't know...three, four months? TRISH Eight. Eight months. We've been together almost a year and you don't even recognize my dog. JIM No, it's just you always have so many animals around you, your apartment is like freaking Animal Planet. Trish glares at him and Bubbles growls. JIM Can you get that dog to stop staring at me? TRISH You know, the whole problem with you is you don't even take the time to listen, you don't even know who I am. JIM (scoots closer, wraps an arm around her) Yes, I do you're the most beautiful girl in the whole city. And you're-- Bubbles jumps up in Trish's lap protectively. Jim releases his arm. JIM Oh, man, not this again. Sugar, why is that dog always coming between us? TRISH That dog has got a name. JIM Yeah....so? TRISH So what is it? JIM (thinks for a moment) Booboo? Bubbles growls then barks. TRISH (stands up, gathers up dogs) Forget it, we're done here. And for the record, his name is Bubbles. JIM Wait, Trish. (touches her arm) I think I know why you asked me here today and I just want to let you know I think it's time. TRISH Time for what? JIM (takes her hand) You know, taking this relationship to the next level. TRISH (smiles, surprised) * Jim, you're going to do this right here, right now? JIM Do what? (lets go of her hand) TRISH Propose. JIM Oh honey, I ain't proposing to you, I just think we should move in together. TRISH Move in together? JIM (disappointed) Yeah, isn't that what you wanted to talk to me about? All that stuff about letting me have the key to your apartment? TRISH I wanted to see if I could trust you to take care of Bubbles this weekend while I make a presentation in San Francisco. JIM Oh, I could do it, baby, you can trust me....wait, this weekend? Oh man, it's the big trade show, if I miss it, I'll lose half my sales quota for the whole year. TRISH Okay, fine. I guess I can just find another billionaire investor to fund my research project. (turns to leave) JIM Wait, you've got a research project? TRISH (whirls around) The Cani-Med project? Jim gives her a blank look. TRISH It's a medication I developed where I took rapid-healing canine genes and spliced them into a medication to cure human arthritis. I thought I told you all about it the night we met. JIM The night we met? I was too busy thinking about your beautiful, big... Trish glares at him. JIM STREET Jim follows her down the street, jumps in front of her. Dogs bark and jump on him. JIM (to dogs) Down boy! Down! Jim continues fighting off the two larger dogs as he talks. Bubbles humps Jim's leg. JIM Please give me another chance. I'll watch Booboo for you this weekend, I'll make it work. TRISH Bubbles....Bubbles! JIM Okay, already, Bubbles. TRISH No, (nods down) Bubbles! Jim looks down, sees Bubbles humping his leg. JIM Hey, he likes me. Jim bends down to pick Bubbles up, Bubbles growls and continues humping. RYAN (O.S.) Oh, hey Trish. Jim looks up and sees RYAN, late 20s, tall, muscular, unhidden gorgeousness. TRISH Oh, hi Ryan. RYAN So are we still on for tonight? Jim stands up ignoring Bubbles. JIM Like hell you are. TRISH Jim, I'd like you to meet Ryan, my research partner. RYAN (extends hand) Hi, nice to meet you. JIM Partner, you didn't tell me you had no partner. RYAN (realizes Jim isn't going to shake his hand, withdraws it) I'm really handling more of the business side of things, Trish is the brains behind this operation. TRISH Ryan provided me with my seed funding and he's been lining up investors. JIM What? So he's some kind of sugar daddy. RYAN Well, I don't if I would say Daddy, but a lot of people think I'm really sweet. JIM Oh, is that so. As Jim eyes Ryan, a GROWLING noise is heard. TRISH Calm down, Jim, you don't have to growl. JIM That's not me. Jim looks down and sees Bubbles growling at him. Bubbles barks and starts humping Jim's leg. RYAN I'd say that little feller is trying to make you his bitch, Jim. Ryan smirks as Trish bends down and gets Bubbles off of Jim's leg. TRISH (to Bubbles) Oh, are you trying to be the boss dog? Do you want Jim to be your widdle bitch? (in a normal voice) He's got that look in his eye. He needs to poop. (to dogs) Come on guys, time for your walk. RYAN (takes Penny's leash) Oh, let me help you. Penny wags tail, licks Ryan. JIM I'd come but I've got to get to work... Oblivious, Trish and Ryan head off in the other direction. JIM (calls after them) Hey, what about dog-sitting or whatever. Jim looks uncomfortable as Trish and Ryan go off down the street. Bubbles turns around and seems to smile smugly, then Trish gently pulls him back around. EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT OF GYM EQUIPMENT STORE - DAY INT. GYM EQUIPMENT STORE - CONTINUOUS A big showroom full of treadmills, stationary bikes and other equipment, completely free of customers. Jim bounces a medicine ball towards STUART, 30s, a big, deep- voiced jock. STUART (catches ball) Wow, that's harsh. Ryan. Is he a cutie-pie? JIM What? How the hell should I know? STUART (throws ball back) Does he have big dreamy eyes and nice full lips? JIM (catches ball with a grunt) I didn't notice. He just seemed like an ass. (throws ball back at Stuart) STUART (catches it, spins it in his hands, easily) And so why are they getting together tonight? (throws ball back at Jim) JIM (catches it, jams his fingers a bit, stops to shake them out) Business stuff. He's backing her research project for some new genetic medication. (throws ball back to Stuart) STUART (catches ball, passes it behind his back) He's backing her? Sure he's not backing into her? Stuart throws the ball and hits Jim in the gut. Jim inhales sharply and clutches his stomach. JIM Not if I have anything to say about it. I'm gonna stick around her pad tonight to make sure there's no funny business going on. Jim weakly rolls the ball back to Stuart. STUART (catches ball) You can't do that, bro. JIM Why not? STUART (winds up to throw the ball) You'll look like a jealous ogre. Chicks hate that. Jim ducks out of the way of the ball which flies towards the boss, MR. NELSON, 50s, short, fat, bald, as he comes out of his office. JIM Mr. Nelson, watch-- Mr. Nelson catches the ball with a grim smile, throws it at Jim who catches it with another gasp. JIM -out. STUART Sorry about that, boss. JIM (drops ball, rubs his stomach) Yeah, we'll stop messing around and focus more on the customers. MR. NELSON What customers? In case you hadn't noticed this place is emptier than a North Korean voting booth. We're going to have to pull off a miracle at that trade show this weekend, or I'm gonna have to shut the doors to this place. STUART I think it's time you told him, Jim. JIM What? STUART Jim's got an awesome prototype for a new fitness craze that costs like nothing to make. JIM No, it's nothing, really... Stuart steps over to a table of weight equipment. MR. NELSON Are you holding out on me, Jim? Stuart walks back carrying a canvas disk about two foot in diameter, hands it to Jim. MR. NELSON Well come on, boy, let's see it. JIM Alright, well, you know how they say human beings started out as fish, we weren't really meant to walk upright, which is why all these machines do nothing but mess with people's backs. In fact, that's the number one reason people give when returning equipment to this store. STUART I thought they returned it because they never end up using it... JIM Exactly! And all those rowing machines and treadmills take up so much space and they're so expensive. MR. NELSON Yeah, so, that's how we make our dough. JIM Not anymore. Gentleman, I present... (snaps the canvas disk dramatically, it expands to become a six-foot long tunnel) The Tunnel Toner! MR. NELSON What's it do? JIM Ah, it's not what it does, but what you do. STUART I think we need a demonstration. JIM Oh, fine. Jim bends down and crawls into the tunnel. GRUNTING as he struggles to get through it. STUART Looks like a good workout. JIM Oh yeah, and once you're in the thing, you can do all kinds of workouts. There's pushups. Jim's body goes up and down inside the tunnel. MORE GRUNTING. Stuart and Mr. Nelson exchange grossed out looks. The tunnel rises up as Jim does a sit-up. JIM There's crunches.... (rolls in the tunnel) And your standard roll, great for the gluts and abs. (rolls into a table) Ow! Jim tries to scoot out but once he gets his feet out, he can't move any farther. JIM Ah! Stuck! Get me outta this thing, will ya? Mr. Nelson holds the tunnel while Stuart yanks Jim out by his feet. JIM (hair, mussed out of breath) Thanks. Mr. Nelson and Stuart help Jim to his feet. JIM So, whattya think? MR. NELSON I think no one in their right mind would buy one a those things and you better bone up on the treadmill and stairmaster because those are our real moneymakers. Oh, yeah and it wouldn't hurt to lose a little weight. JIM But-- MR. NELSON And I want you on that trade show floor tomorrow bright and early no later than seven, alright? JIM Yeah, about that Mr. Nelson... Mr. Nelson gives him a grumpy stare. JIM Uh, nevermind. INT. TRISH'S KITCHEN - EVENING Trish stands by Bubbles' food bowl holding a bag of food. Bubbles sits nearby, tail wagging. TRISH So he needs to be fed at seven a.m. and then again at six p.m. and don't forget his 2 o'clock treat and four o'clock walkies. JIM Babe, he's a dog, can't I just leave a bowl of food and water out for him and check him in the evening? Bubbles whines. TRISH He's not just a dog. He's a living being with a complex set of needs and desires. Besides, if I leave a bowl of food out for him he eats it all in one sitting and barfs all over the house. Bubbles wags his tail. JIM Okay, I don't know how I'm going to explain this to my boss... TRISH There you go breaking your commitment again-- JIM No, I promised I'd do this and I'm gonna make it work, it's just-- TRISH Just what? Jim pulls Trish towards him and nuzzles her neck. JIM I'm gonna need a little downpayment first, if you know what I mean. TRISH Jim, you dog... (succumbs to his kisses) Oh, yeah-- She turns and they kiss. Bubbles humps Jim's leg. JIM (shaking him off) Now why is it every time I start loving on you this dumb dog wants to get it on with my leg? TRISH Dogs are naturally curious about sex because it's an instinctive behavior that we deprive them of. JIM Translation he's a horny little bugger. Now where were we? (pulls her close) Trish's CELL PHONE RINGS. She picks it up while Jim continues to kiss her neck. TRISH Hello? Oh hi Ryan. (steps away from Jim) Yeah, six is fine. Jim crosses his arms and looks pissed while Trish takes a few more steps away from him. TRISH Yeah, you take the Watt Avenue offramp-- Bubbles scratches and bites himself on the bottom. She bends down to pet him, Bubbles continues to scratch and gnaw at himself. TRISH No, then you turn left...Just a minute. (to Jim) Can you put his flea medicine on him, it's in the bathroom? Trish picks Bubbles up and thrusts him at Jim. Jim walks towards BATHROOM Holding Bubbles. JIM Sure, talk to Ryan while I put flea medicine on the dog's butt. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Still holding Bubbles, Jim looks around the bathroom for the flea medicine. JIM (opening cabinets) Flea medicine, flea medicine. (calls out bathroom door) Any idea where this flea medicine might be? INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS TRISH (covers phone with hand, yells) On the shelf above the toilet, it's in a tube! INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS JIM Tube...tube... Jim looks at the shelf above the toilet. A tube of flea medicine rests next to a vial with a type-written label "CANI- MED." Jim is about to grab the flea medicine when curiosity gets the better of him and he grabs the vial. He takes it down and examines the green goo inside, sniffs it and holds it up to the light. As he peers at the bottom of the vial, Bubbles, who has been in the bathroom the whole time, barks suddenly, startling Jim who spills half the vial on his face. JIM Shit! Jim wipes the substance from his face, grimacing as she spits the foul substance from his mouth. He hears TRISH'S LAUGH from the other room and quickly puts the vial back and grabs the flea medicine and squirts some on Bubbles. Jim suddenly scratches himself behind the ear. He shrugs and dabs a little flea medicine behind his own ears. KITCHEN Jim walks in and sees Trish with the phone to her ear, giggling. Jim cocks his head and narrows his eyes as from across the room, the TINNY SOUND OF RYAN'S VOICE enters his ear. RYAN (O.S.) Yeah, thanks so much for helping me Trish, you know I was thinking maybe after we get done planning the presentation tonight we could go to this little Ethiopian place I know about for dinner... TRISH Well-- Jim stomps over to Trish. JIM (in a barking voice) What's that douche-bag talking about! Dinner? (starts jumping toward phone) Only dinner he's gonna have to worry about is the chicken liver I make out of his face when I'm done with him! TRISH Jim! What's gotten into you? Get down! (into phone) Sorry, Ryan, this isn't a good time, I'll call you back later. Yeah, bye. (hangs up to Jim) What was that all about? JIM I could hear what he was saying, taking you to dinner...I don't trust that guy. TRISH Relax, he's only coming over to study. And the chili on the stove is for you. God, do you have to be such a jealous ogre? It's kind of a turn- off. JIM (steps closer) I'm sorry, baby. But when I think of some other guy trying to get to you, I don't know, I just turn into an animal. (pushes her hair off her neck, starts to gently kiss her) TRISH (giggling) Yeah, well, you know me, I love animals. Jim makes a humping motion on Trish's leg. Trish backs away quickly. TRISH What was that? JIM What? Nothing. TRISH Oh, you were not just humping my leg just now... JIM No, it's a little dance move. Jim moves his pelvis in and out, starts to pump faster, realizes he can't control then covers his groin area with his hands. JIM You know what, baby, I'm feeling a little funny. I think I'll just go back to my place and lie down. TRISH Oh, are you sure? (turns to stove, stirs a pot) This chili is almost done. JIM (sniffs air) Well, maybe I could stay for some chili... Jim licks spoon in Trish's hand, keeps licking until Trish yanks it away. TRISH (drops spoon in sink) Ewww, I think I'll get a new one. As she turns to get a new spoon, Jim bends down in sink and continues licking spoon. Trish turns back around, sees him and giggles. TRISH Here, let me get you a bowl. Trish dishes out some chili into the bowl. Jim takes it out of her hands. TRISH Careful it's..... (Jim sets it on the counter and begins lapping out of bowl) Hot. (her smile disappears) JIM (lifts his face, covered in chili) Yeah, you got a bowl of water or something? TRISH (grabs a towel, wipes his face) You know, maybe you should go home, are you sure you feel okay? JIM Oh, I feel fine now. Hey you wanna go for a walk? TRISH I can't, I've got to get ready for this presentation... JIM (running, jumping around in circles) No, let's go for a walk, come on! TRISH Well, Bubbles didn't get to go out much today. JIM Yeah, get the leash, get the leash! TRISH (gets leash from a hook on the wall) Why don't you take Bubbles for a walk so I can get some work done? JIM Okay! (grabs leash with his mouth) TRISH I don't know what's gotten into you, but I kind of like it. JIM (drops leash to talk) You do? TRISH (picks up leash) I mean, do you realize you just had this dirty old leash in your mouth? JIM (spits a little) I did, huh... TRISH Yeah, maybe you're finally letting go of the whole germ thing. JIM I am! Jim licks her face, picks leash up off the floor with his mouth and exits kitchen. Bubbles trails after wagging his tail. TRISH (calls after him) Hey, Jim, don't forget to put the leash on the dog! EXT. STREET - EARLY EVENING Jim runs down the street, leash still in his mouth as Bubbles trails after him, panting. As he passes an Old Woman, Jim pauses and sniffs her, she hits him with her purse. EXT. ANOTHER STREET - LATER Bubbles tips over a garbage can. As Jim runs up to him, Bubbles wags his tail and barks towards the strewn refuse. JIM (wrinkles nose) Oooh, garbage, now what did you have to do that for? Bubbles barks again, wags his tail. JIM (sniffs) You know, it doesn't smell half bad...is there a salami sandwich in there? Bubbles digs into garbage. JIM Oh, what the hell. Jim dives into the garbage pile face first. A HOMELESS MAN, pushes a shopping cart past and stops to do a double take. EXT. ANOTHER STREET - LATER Jim and Bubbles dig together in a flower bed. EXT. ANOTHER STREET - LATER Jim runs away then stops suddenly. A fire hydrant! Jim and Bubbles both run toward the hydrant, but Bubbles stops short and cocks his head. Bubbles watches as Jim unzips his pants, hikes his leg. BUBBLES Don't do it! Jim turns around, sees Bubbles. JIM (drops leash from mouth to talk) Did you just talk to me? BUBBLES Yeah, there's a cop coming down the street, don't do your business there. Jim glances down the street, sees COP approaching, puts his leg down, zips up his pants. As Cop passes, Jim leans awkwardly against the hydrant. Cop stops and gives Jim the stinkeye. Jim checks to make sure he has zipped up his pants. COP (nods towards Bubbles) Zat your dog? JIM Yes, I mean, no, I'm just taking him for a walk. COP Where's his leash? JIM Oh, sorry, I guess I must have dropped it. (bends over, picks it up in his mouth) COP What are you, some kind of joker? JIM (leash still in mouth) No, I'm not a joker. BUBBLES He wants you to put the leash on my collar! Hurry! With the leash still in his mouth, Jim bends down and tries to put the leash on Bubble's collar with his mouth. Cop's eyes widen in astonishment. BUBBLES With your hands, dummy. JIM Oh. Jim drops the leash from his mouth and begins fumbling with his hands. He stands up holding the end of the leash in his mouth, the other end secured to Bubble's collar. COP Oh, you are just begging for a citation right now. (takes ticket book from his back pocket) BUBBLES Hold my leash with your hand! Jim, keeping the leash in his mouth, puts his hand on it. BUBBLES And take it out of your mouth! Jim drops the leash from his mouth, smiles at cop. COP (a call comes over his walkie talkie, he snaps ticket book shut) Wise guy. You're not worth the time it would take to write up this little fiasco. Don't let me see this little guy off his leash again, and don't forget to scoop your poop! JIM Okay officer. Cop saunters off and Jim collapses on the fire hydrant. JIM What's happening to me? First I almost peed on a fire hydrant and next I'm imagining BeeBee here can talk. BUBBLES It's Bubbles and I can talk buddy. JIM Oh, no, don't you start that shit again. Man, I need a drink. EXT. BAR - EVENING Jim ties Bubbles up by a lightpost in front of the bar. BUBBLES Are you just going to leave me here? JIM Are you going to keep talking? BUBBLES Yes. JIM Then yes, I'm just definitely going to leave you there. INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS Jim enters the bar, sits on a stool. Nods at bartender. JIM Give me whatever's on draft. Bartender places the beer in front of Jim. Jim tries awkwardly to pick up glass and sip it. Finally, he puts glass down and laps it out of the top. He looks over at a bowl of beernuts. He looks around, buries his whole face in the bowl and eats the peanuts. Stuart sits down behind Jim. STUART Hey, buddy. What's up? JIM (turns around guiltily) Oh, hey. STUART So you took my advice and decided not to be the jealous ogre tonight. JIM Huh? STUART You know, leaving old Ryan and your girlfriend together, that takes a lot of balls. JIM Oh yeah, I forgot. (gets up to leave) STUART No, take it from me. You don't want to go barging in there. JIM I don't? STUART No, you peek in the windows first and if they're getting it on, then you go in and destroy him. If they're just working, you just stroll in, act all cool, you know, like it ain't no thing, girls love that stuff. JIM They do? STUART Yeah, cause it means you're secure enough in your masculinity not to be threatened by another male. JIM Huh? STUART It means you're the alpha dog and you know it. JIM Oh, yeah, ha. STUART And one more thing, before you go back over there, you might want to shave. You've got hell of five o'clock shadow going right now. JIM I do? Jim looks in bar mirror. Sees a scruffy growth of beard all over his face. He rubs it in astonishment. He looks at his hands, they are also generously hairy. JIM I gotta go-- STUART Yeah, you don't look so good. You sure you're gonna make it tomorrow? JIM I might be a little late, gotta feed the girlfriend's dog. But you'll cover for me, right? STUART (takes a slug off his beer) Sure, anything for my best buddy. JIM Thanks. You're the best, Stuart. Jim hurries out of the bar. Stuart eyes Jim with a smile then drinks Jim's beer. EXT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER Jim rushes to the lightpost, sees Bubbles' leash, but Bubbles is not in it. JIM Oh no... BUBBLES (O.S.) You're looking for me? Jim whirls around and sees Bubbles standing behind him. JIM Oh, thank God. Look, I'm sorry I tied you up, but let's just head home. BUBBLES Home? We're just getting started. Do you know how long it's been since I've been allowed to dig up a flower bed or paw through a garbage can? JIM No. BUBBLES Never. As in I've never been allowed to do those things. So, I've got big plans, first we're going to chase a mailman, next we're going to the big pet food warehouse and gorge on the treat bins, next... JIM No, I've got to get you home, Trish is probably worried about you and (looks at his hairy hands) I've got my own problems. BUBBLES No. I am not going back to that...that monster. Do you know she sometimes puts skirts on me? I'm a male dog. It's humiliating. JIM Well, you do kind of look like a bitch... BUBBLES Fine, I was going to share my ball with you, but you can forget about it now. JIM Wait, you've got a ball? Bubbles steps aside and reveals an old tennis ball. BUBBLES Feast your eyes. JIM Where'd you get that? BUBBLES It doesn't matter, because you can't have it! Bubbles picks the ball up in his mouth, starts to run. Jim runs after him. JIM No, give that ball back! That's my ball, give it back! Jim chases Bubbles down the street. EXT. ANOTHER STREET - EVENING A MAILMAN locks up the post-office for the night. He sees Jim and Bubbles running straight towards him and takes off running. INT. WAREHOUSE PET FOOD STORE - LATER Jim buries his face in the treat bin as Bubbles jumps to reach it. Jim looks up and sees WAREHOUSE WORKER with his arms crossed, looking displeased. PET STORE TOY SECTION Bubbles and Jim take turns putting their mouths on the chew toys. BUBBLES (leaps towards a toy) This is great! JIM (bites a toy) Yeah, I'm having the time of my life and I don't even know where these things have been... BUBBLES (freezes and looks down the aisle) Whoa, mama! JIM What, is it that store clerk again, cause I can just bite him in the leg. BUBBLES No, man, I think I'm in love. Jim stops gnawing on the chew toy and looks down the aisle where TIFFANY, a huge bulldog in a pink tutu stands with her tongue hanging out. JIM You're in love with that? BUBBLES Yeah, ain't she gorgeous? JIM Are you sure it's a she, I mean, you said yourself that Trish puts you in a dress. BUBBLES Of course I'm sure it's a she. What part of feminine mystique do you not see? Jim watches as Tiffany licks her own nose. JIM Uh, all of it. BUBBLES Hey-- JIM Well, if you think she's so hot, why don't you just go over and talk to her? BUBBLES Who me? I always get so tongue-tied around the ladies. JIM Really, tongue-tied, you? C'mon, just go over and say hi. (pushes Bubble's hind end toward Tiffany) BUBBLES No, hey, what are you-- (to Tiffany) Uh, hello. TIFFANY (husky voice) Hello, big boy. BUBBLES Um, I'm not really that big, only seven pounds 10 ounces, to be honest. TIFFANY Well, you know what they say, good things come in small packages. Bubbles swallows. JIM Oh, she digs you, man. BUBBLES (whispers) I'm gonna go for it. JIM Yeah, you should definitely go for it.... Bubbles heads nose-first towards Tiffany's butt. JIM What are you...right here in the store? No, don't-- BOY tugs Tiffany's away from Bubble's nose. BOY C'mon Tiffany, it's time to go. Boy's Mom walks up. MOM Stop, let the dog smell Tiffany's bottom, honey. BOY But it's so gross. JIM Yeah, it is gross. MOM But, animal researchers say that's just how dogs communicate. JIM Animal researcher, oh my God, I completely forgot. (picks up Bubbles) BUBBLES Hey, what are you doing? Put me down! JIM Sorry, buddy, but I think someone's sniffing my girl's butt right now. EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - LATER Jim runs up to Trish's house, Bubble's leash in his mouth, Bubbles straggling behind. JIM Hurry up, come on! BUBBLES Oh sure, when it's your love life, all of a sudden we're in a big hurry. If we had just stayed two minutes more in that pet store I might have had the love of my life. JIM If you'd had the love of your life in that pet store, you'd both be neutered by morning. BUBBLES Why I oughta-- JIM Ssssh! Jim picks Bubbles up and bends down below Trish's window. He sees Trish and Ryan seated at her livingroom table which is strewn with printouts, notes and a large pizza box. They both peer at Trish's laptop. Trish's eyes are focused on the screen, but Ryan's gaze is fixed on Trish. Jim growls. INT. TRISH'S LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS RYAN You know, it's just amazing that you came up with all of this stuff yourself. Trish looks at him and smiles. TRISH Well, I'm not a genius, there was already a lot of research out there-- RYAN (puts his hand on her shoulder) Stop selling yourself short. EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Jim growls louder. INT. TRISH'S LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS TRISH (putting her hand on top of Ryan's) Thanks for believing in me. EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Jim's growl turns into a full-on bark. INT. TRISH'S LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS TRISH (pulls away from Ryan) Was that a dog? (gets up) Jim and Bubbles should be back by now. Trish walks over to her front door and opens it. JIM, sweaty, dirty, disheveled, heavy beard shadow, eyebrows shaggier, about a foot shorter then his previous height, stands there barking. Jim pushes past Trish and walks over to Ryan and barks inches from his face. RYAN (getting up) Step off, bro. Jim continues to bark at him, gets down on the floor and bites Ryan's pant leg. RYAN (kicks at Jim) Dude, what are you doing? TRISH Jim, what's the matter with you? At the sound of Trish's voice, Jim stands up. TRISH Where's Bubbles? JIM I don't know...Is that pizza? Walks over to pizza and starts sniffing it. RYAN (Gathers up his books) I'm gonna head out. Trish, your boyfriend has some serious problems. JIM (stands up) That's right, I am her boyfriend and don't you BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK! Trish walks Ryan to the DOOR As she opens it, Bubbles, panting, dirty, disheveled, comes limping toward the door. TRISH (picks up Bubbles) And what happened to you? RYAN See you tomorrow, sevenish? TRISH The earlier the better, traffic will be hell. And sorry about Jim. RYAN No worries. He should get back on his meds, though. TRISH If only he was on some in the first place.... Ryan exits as Trish shuts the door. She turns back around and sees Jim face first in the pizza box. TRISH Where in the world have you been and why is Bubbles such a mess? Jim ignores her, continues eating. Trish sets Bubbles down, walks over and stares at him. TRISH Have you actually been (touches sweat on his back) Running? Are you shorter? Jim stands up, licks his lips, then walks past Trish toward the sofa. He steps up onto the sofa, walks around in two circles on top of it, then flops down and falls asleep. Bubbles jumps up onto the end of the couch, also circles twice, then curls up by Jim's feet. Trish smiles in spite of herself, walks over, pulls a blanket over Jim and kisses him on the forehead. TRISH (pets Bubbles) I guess you two will be okay after all... Trish switches off the light and exits. ON JIM As the moonlight shines on his face, Jim's five o'clock shadow sprouts and grows into a thick fur. His facial shape changes and his nose becomes a snout. Beneath the blanket his body shrinks and his legs and arms become equal in size. INT. LIVINGROOM - MORNING Bubbles still lays in the same spot on the couch. Jim's khakis and shoes stick out from under the blanket, but his head is completely covered. BATHROOM Trish finishes primping in front of the mirror. Her purse is on the counter. She takes a plastic bag out of it and reaches for the Cani-Med. She frowns as she notices the lid is loose and the outside of the vial is sticky. She shrugs, then tightens the lid, wipes off the vial, puts the vial in her purse. LIVINGROOM As Trish walks in, Bubbles jumps off the couch and greets her with a tail wag. TRISH (pets Bubbles) Hello, Precious. (towards the couch) Good morning sleepy head. Over to the couch where Jim SNORES under the blankets. She touches the blanket and the SNORE is interrupted by a GROWL. TRISH (backing off) Okay, be that way, listen, Jim, don't forget to do everything I left on the list, including that bath for Bubbles, and I really do appreciate it. She leans forward to kiss him, makes a face. TRISH Uh, you could stand a bath yourself. Trish proceeds to the door and exits with A FIRM SHUTTING OF THE DOOR. SNORING STOPS Jim, now fully transformed into a dog snaps his head up, out of the blankets. JIM (V.O.) What, huh? From under the blankets, Jim tries to scratch himself with his paw. His eyes widen. JIM (V.O.) Very funny, Bubbles, you should not be putting your paw there. Jim goes back to scratching himself, realizes the dog paw he feels isn't Bubbles. He withdraws his paw out from the blanket and holds it up in the air. He screams. He jumps off the couch, trailing khakis and polo shirt behind him. He runs to the BATHROOM He can't reach the mirror. JIM (V.O.) I can't see, I can't see. Why is everything so tall? Trish????!!! A TRUNK SLAMS JIM (V.O.) No, Trish! Jim runs back to the LIVINGROOM He jumps at the front door, claws it with his paws, then runs to the couch. Out the front window he can see Trish in the front passenger seat of a car. Ryan gets in the driver's seat. JIM (V.O.) Wait, they're going to San Francisco ....together!!! BUBBLES Yep, you know what your problem is, you never listen. JIM (V.O.) (turns to Bubbles) Shut up, just shut up. As he thinks the words, Jim simultaneously barks at Bubbles. The sound of his own barking startles him and he catches a reflection of himself in the window. He is a black pug. JIM Oh my God, is that....is that....me? BUBBLES Yeah, not a lot of masculine mystique. JIM Oh my God, no, this can't be happening to me, I mean, men just don't turn into dogs and if they do, why did I have to turn into (looks back into window) That?! BUBBLES Hey, I'll have you know some of my best friends are pugs. JIM And why do you keep talking to me? Dogs can't talk. BUBBLES Yeah, it sounds like barking to everyone else so you'd better keep your voice down or the neighbors will start complaining. Jim jumps off couch and starts pacing. JIM No, this cannot be happening. It has to be some kind of mental breakdown or maybe someone slipped something in my drink. Stuart! I know he wants all the sales commissions to himself! Wait a minute, sales commissions, I'm supposed to be at the trade show right now! Jim goes back to front door, claws at it. JIM There's got to be a way out of here. BUBBLES No, believe me, I've tried. She locks me up tight everyday. JIM She does?! BUBBLES I told you she was a bitch. And not the dog kind, if you know what I mean. Jim circles the living room frantically. Jumps back on couch. JIM There's gotta be a window open, something! BUBBLES I told you, we're locked in tight til she gets back. JIM Well, who's gonna feed us? BUBBLES That was your job, remember? Til you decided to see how the better half lives. JIM I didn't decide to do this, it just happened. And the sooner I can make it unhappen, the better. BUBBLES Oh, yeah, whattya gone do call 1-800- make me a man? JIM That's a great idea! I'll just call someone. Jim runs over to his pants on the floor. With his mouth he drags his cell phone out of his pocket. BUBBLES Yo, genius, unless you know someone that understands dog-speak, you're barking up the wrong tree... With his paws, Jim manages to activate the phone. JIM Thank God for touch screens! ON SCREEN Jim's contacts come up. Trish's picture is right above Stuart's. Jim clumsily puts a paw on the phone. "NOW DIALING STUART" JIM Damn, I meant to call Trish-- INT. TRADE SHOW - MORNING Stuart sits at a table, exercise equipment behind him. BUYERS are already perusing the merchandise. As his cellphone rings, Stuart takes it out of his pocket, peeks at the readout and rolls his eyes. STUART Jim? Where are you? It's seven thirty-- JIM Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark! STUART (pulls the phone away from his ear) Very funny. Listen, you'd better hurry up and finish with your girlfriend's dog or Nelson's gonna can your ass. JIM Bark, bark bark. STUART And get that stupid dog off the phone. INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS JIM Dog? That's what I've been trying to tell you, I'm not a dog, it's me, Jim! INT. TRADE SHOW - CONTINUOUS Stuart sees Nelson walking up and puts his phone away quickly. NELSON Was that Jim? STUART What? No. NELSON Well, where is he? STUART Hell if I know. NELSON Well, get out on that floor and start selling. His loss is your gain. STUART (scooting out from table) Yes sir! INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS JIM I've got to get out of this apartment or I'm going to lose my job! There's got to be a way out of here... Jim runs out of livingroom into KITCHEN He climbs up into a chair and paws at the window. Bubbles walks in. BUBBLES Welcome to my world, kid. JIM She does this to you every single day? BUBBLES Yup. You get used to it. JIM Yeah, but all day stuck in this apartment? Don't you get bored? BUBBLES Oh, sure. But that's what bones are for. JIM (paws again at window) You expect me to spend the next 48 hours gnawing on a bone? You're crazy! BUBBLES Well, suit yourself. Bubbles walks off. Jim gets off the chair and walks over to the back door. He jumps up at it. JIM Locked. Even if it wasn't, I still can't reach the doorknob. Unless... Jim walks back over to the chair, grabs hold of the leg and tries to drag it over to the door. He manages to move the chair about two inches when Bubbles walks back in with his bone. Bubbles drops the bone on the floor and lays down to gnaw on it. JIM You want to give me a hand here? BUBBLES Trust me, the bone tastes better and at least I won't get lead poisoning. JIM I'm not chewing on the chair, I'm trying to move it over to the door. BUBBLES (between bites of bone) And why the hell would you want to do that? JIM To get out of this freaking apartment, that's why! BUBBLES What's in it for me? JIM Excuse me? BUBBLES You heard me. You know, one thing I notice about you is it's always about you. You want a drink at a bar, so sure, tie me up. You want to leave Pet Palace, can't even let me get a number from the love of my life. JIM Number? Dogs are calling each other now? BUBBLES Number of barks. That way if I hear three woofs and two barks some night in the backyard I'll know it's her. JIM Listen, Einstein, if I can get that door open, I'll be doing both of us a favor. I can get my life back and maybe you can track down your porky princess. BUBBLES She's not porky! JIM Okay, take it easy, just get over here and get the other leg, wouldya. Jim and Bubbles each pull on a leg of the chair. It doesn't move. JIM No, pull in the same direction as me! BUBBLES Okay, okay, I got you. With herculean grunts and groans they pull the chair another three inches, then both collapse on their backs, panting. JIM I've got to start getting shape. BUBBLES I've got to go take a nap. Bubbles saunters off and flops down next to his bone. JIM Wait, no, what are you doing? We just started! BUBBLES Hey, that is like my exercise quota for the day, man. Another perk to being a dog is you don't have to do nothing. JIM (walks over to Bubbles) Come on, what about what's her name? How will you ever see her again if we don't get that door open? BUBBLES That's why we're pushing the chair? JIM Yeah. BUBBLES How is pushing the chair over by the door going to open the door? Is the chair magic? JIM No, but I'll climb up on the chair and open the door. BUBBLES How, with your hands? In case you ain't noticed, it's kind of hard to twist a doorknob with your paws. But maybe later I can show you something really cool you can do with your tongue... Jim cocks his head pondering this for a moment. JIM ...Nevermind. Look, maybe you can't open a door with your paws, but since up until last night I was walking around on two legs, maybe my chances are a little better. BUBBLES (goes back to his bone) Hey, knock yourself out, buddy. EXT. BAY BRIDGE - MID MORNING Ryan's car flies along the highway. RYAN Gosh, it's so pretty here. I'd love to live here some day, be away from all the smog in the valley. TRISH Yeah, me too. RYAN Hey, you want me to put the top down? That way we can get the full effect. TRISH (reaches for purse) Actually, could you hold on a minute, I want to give Jim a call. RYAN You think he's up? TRISH He better'd be. Bubbles has to be fed every morning at seven. RYAN Yeah, but he was pretty wasted last night. TRISH Do you think that's what it was? RYAN Trish, the guy was trying to bite my leg. TRISH Yeah, but he didn't smell like alcohol, more like...garbage. RYAN (pushing hood control button) Relax, I'm sure he and Bubbles are just sleeping it off together. Trish puts purse back down as wind tosses her hair. INT. KITCHEN - LATER Jim lays on floor panting. Chair is closer to the door, but still a few feet away. Bubbles lays gnawing on his bone. JIM I need some water. BUBBLES I need some food, you were supposed to feed me two hours ago. JIM Yeah, but you ate the rest of the pizza. BUBBLES (emits a farting nose) Yeah and it was delicious. Jim gets up and lopes toward the sink. He half-heartedly paws on the sink cabinet. JIM Great, I can't even get a drink of water in this place. BUBBLES Yeah, and don't even think about drinking out of my water bowl. JIM Like I'd drink out of a bowl on the ground. BUBBLES That's good, cause after I finished the pizza I got really thirsty. JIM What? Are you saying we have no water for the rest of this weekend? BUBBLES Oh, we've got water, alright. The best kind. JIM Oh, good. Where is it? BUBBLES Follow me! Jim follows Bubbles out of the kitchen. INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER Bubbles puts his paws onto the rim of the toilet bowl. BUBBLES See? All the sweet delicious water you'd want to drink! JIM Oh no, you're not getting me to drink out of that thing. Don't you know what people do in that thing? BUBBLES Yeah, it's twice as nice if you can get some of that sweet stuff! JIM Ach! I knew there was a reason I can't stand dogs. Jim starts to exit, Bubbles blocks his way. BUBBLES What do you mean you "can't stand dogs"? JIM Well, they're always slobbering and they're dirty and-- (notices Bubble's glare) Oh, but you're okay, Bubbles, I like you. BUBBLES You'd better, cause I won't share my food with no dog hater. Bubbles walks back to KITCHEN Jim follows him in. JIM No offense, man, but there's no way I'm going to spend all weekend eating your food. BUBBLES Why not? It's delicious, nutritious and Trish keeps all the people food locked away. JIM (looks up) That bitch! BUBBLES Now you're following me. JIM No, I don't blame her for locking up the people food, but look where she left the dog food. Jim nods up at the bag of food on the kitchen island sitting next to Trish's detailed note. INT. TRADE SHOW - DAY Stuart takes an enormous bite out of a hot dog, dripping with fixings. A FEMALE CUSTOMER, 30s, taps him on the shoulder. CUSTOMER Excuse me, could you tell me a little bit about this machine over here? She stands next to a a standard chest bench press machine. Embarrassed, Stuart swallows quickly and wipes the mustard off his chin. STUART (still chewing, puts hot dog down) Sorry...what did you want to know? CUSTOMER Well, what's it do? STUART Well, you lay down on it like this (lays down) And you push the weights up like so. Stuart demonstrates, lifting a massive amount of weight, his muscles bulging, smiles as he shows off a little. CUSTOMER What part of the body does that work? STUART The chest mostly. Well, I mean you can lose the weights and do crunches on it for your abs or some people even flip over and do one of these kind of things. (flips over and makes a swimming motion with his feet and arms) CUSTOMER How much does it cost? STUART This? Well, this would only set you back about... (runs his hand through his hair) Five hundred and fifty dollars... Customer frowns. STUART But today we could knock 20 percent off and give it to you for say, four fifty? CUSTOMER (gives him a dirty look) No thanks... Stuart spies the Tunnel Toner under the booth table. STUART Or would you be interested in a Tunnel Toner for say, fifty bucks? CUSTOMER Tunnel Toner, what is that? STUART I just happen to have one right over here.... Stuart grabs the Tunnel Toner from under the table. CUSTOMER What are you supposed to do with it? STUART What can't you do with it? Stuart expands the tunnel, crawls into it. Customer watches, a little freaked out. Stuart contorts himself inside the tunnel. STUART Push-ups, sit-ups, I can even do jumping jacks in here. Customer shakes her head and walks away. STUART What do you think?.....A little help here. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Jim paces as Bubbles gnaws on his bone. JIM This is just terrific. I'm stuck in this puny little body while my girl cruises around in a sports car that I couldn't afford even if I did still have a job! BUBBLES Calm down. At least you got to be human for a few years. You'll get used to being a dog. JIM But that's just it. I'm not a dog. How did this happen to me? BUBBLES Just retrace your steps. JIM Retrace my steps? BUBBLES Yeah, what were you doing right before you turned into a dog? JIM Well, it didn't happen all at once. I just started feeling kind of funny. BUBBLES Funny? JIM Yeah, like I wanted to bury my face in Trish's chili even though she always puts too much curry in it. BUBBLES Ok and? JIM And what? BUBBLES What did you do right before you buried your face in the chili? JIM Wait a minute...you! BUBBLES Don't blame this on me. JIM No, I was putting that nasty flea stuff on you! But right before that I spilled Trish's nasty science experiment all over me. Why in the world would she make a medicine that turns people into dogs? BUBBLES Hey, I resent that remark. I'll have you know some of my best friends are dogs. EXT. BIOMED CORP. HEADQUARTERS - DAY Establishing shot of fancy bio-tech building with the Biomed logo out front. Ryan's car pulls up in the parking lot. INT. RYAN'S CAR TRISH Are you sure they're expecting us? RYAN Of course, hey, you're not getting nervous are you. TRISH Who me? Never. Do you really think they'll go for it? RYAN Absolutely. How could they resist with such a beautiful pitchwoman? TRISH Flattery will get you everywhere. (reaches into her purse, takes out her cellphone) I just want to check on Bubbles. RYAN We don't have time, the last thing we want to be is late. Trish puts the phone away, looks worried as Ryan gets out of the car. RYAN (opens the passenger door for Trish) I know you're worried about your dog, but it's not going to help you ace this presentation, so just relax, what could be wrong? INT. KITCHEN - DAY Jim is on Bubble's back, reared up on his hind legs, he stretches toward the bag of food on the table. His foot pokes Bubbles in the mouth. JIM A little to the left, no the left! BUBBLES Hey, get your foot out of my mouth and I don't know left, only sit, stay and heel. JIM Okay, I've almost got it. ORANGE, a large orange cat lands on the table, surprising Jim who screams and falls on top of Bubbles in a heap. JIM Shit, was what that? BUBBLES Orange. JIM No, I know it's orange, but what is it? ORANGE I'm a cat, you idiot. JIM Hey, who are you calling idiot? BUBBLES Orange can you do us a favor and push that bag off the table, we're starving. ORANGE (licks his paw) Nah. JIM Why not? ORANGE I don't know, I just don't feel like it. JIM And to think I actually used to like cats. ORANGE Oh, without your admiration my species will never be the same. BUBBLES Come on, Orange, just one little push with your paw... ORANGE Why should I? BUBBLES Because if you don't I'm going to bark, bark, bark!!! JIM No need to get all testy here. Okay Orange, name your price. ORANGE No more eating my food or my kitty litter. JIM Ewww, you eat her kitty litter? To think I had my foot in your mouth... (rubs his foot on the floor) BUBBLES It's a deal. Orange pushes the bag of food off the table. It falls and kibbles fall all over the floor. Bubbles start to gobble. Jim pushes the kibbles around with his paw. BUBBLES What are you waiting for, dig in! JIM What do they put in this stuff? BUBBLES (smacking between bites) It's dog food, they put stuff dogs like to eat. JIM I don't know.... BUBBLES Come on, you ate garbage with me last night, remember? JIM Yeah, but that was people food. BUBBLES So, this is much cleaner. JIM Oh, alright. (takes a bite) Hey, this is pretty good...in fact, it's delicious!! Jim and Bubbles SNORT, CHEW AND GOBBLE the food as Orange looks on licking her paws. ORANGE You guys are disgusting, you know that? INT. BIOTECH CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY A half-dozen well-dressed men and a few women sit around a conference table. Ryan sits at the end as Trish stands in front of a screen with a picture of a dog and a smiling elderly woman bending down with some gardening shears. TRISH And that's why Cani-Med might just finally be the cure for arthritis we've all been looking for. (silence) Are there any questions? BOB SARGENT, late 60s, Biomed chairman, raises his hand. MAN Does it hurt the dog? TRISH What, no...well, I mean, the genetic material is collected with a needle, but no, no harm comes to the dog...and let me add that untold benefits could be given to millions of arthritis sufferers... BOB Oh, thank goodness. Because you know I couldn't support anything that hurts a dog. I mean, just look how cute that little guy is. TRISH It's a stock photo. Will you all excuse me for a moment. Ryan shoots Trish an irritated look. RYAN Well, since that concludes the scientific presentation I would be happy to field any questions about the financial side of this venture... Trish hurriedly picks up her briefcase and ducks into INT. OFFICE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Trish gets out her cellphone and dials Jim's number. INT. TRISH'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Jim and Bubbles lay on the floor GROANING, their tummies expanded. Almost all of the kibbles are gone. JIM Why did you let me eat so much? Bubbles paws weakly at a lone leftover kibble. BUBBLES Just one more bite... LIVINGROOM JIM'S PHONE VIBRATES BACK TO KITCHEN JIM Do you hear that? BUBBLES Hear what? Jim scampers into BUBBLES (follows) Hey, I'm only good at hearing high- pitched noises... LIVINGROOM ON CELL PHONE DISPLAY Trish's picture "Trish calling" BACK TO LIVINGROOM ON JIM'S CELLPHONE "Swipe to unlock" JIM (pawing desperately at phone) Can't seem to get it...darn why do they make these things so hard to use??? PHONE CONTINUES TO RING BUBBLES Here, let me try... (paws at phone) JIM No, I almost got it. PHONE CONTINUES TO RING INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Trish frowns as the phone continues to ring. INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS Bubbles scratches frantically at phone. JIM Would you knock it off? You're gonna scratch my phone! Jim charges at Bubbles who backs up and bares his teeth. Jim tries to reach phone but Bubbles snaps at him. JIM Get out of my way, it's going to go to voicemail! Jim lunges at Bubbles and his paw hits the phone, sending it sliding under the couch. JIM Oh no, look what you've done! BUBBLES What I've done? INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Trish frowns as she listens to Jim's voicemail message. JIM (V.O.) Hello? TRISH Hey, it's me, is everything alright? JIM (V.O.) Ha, ha, ha, tricked ya! I'm not really here right now, but go ahead and leave a message anyway. TRISH (muttering) Stupid. Why do I always fall for that? (hangs up) INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS Bubbles tries to swipe his paw under the couch. JIM It's no use, it stopped ringing. Now we have no way to call anyone. BUBBLES That's okay, howling is a lot more fun. LANDLINE RINGS BUBBLES What's that? JIM The landline! Thank God my baby's old school! (runs over to phone table, starts to jump as PHONE RINGS AGAIN) Shit! Why does everything in this house have to be about six feet tall??? Quick, get over here, I need to jump on your shoulders. BUBBLES Why do I always have to be on the bottom? JIM Because you must outweigh me by at least seven ounces. PHONE RINGS AGAIN. JIM Quick we're wasting time. TRISH (V.O.) Hi, it's me, leave a message... Jim gets on Bubbles' shoulders, rises onto his hind legs, teetering uncertainly. JIM Can you hold still while I get my bal- ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS Bubbles spies an old stuffed toy under the table. BUBBLES My teddy bear! Bubbles rushes towards it. As Jim falls he cuffs a lamp on the table. The lamp knocks the receiver off its base. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS TRISH Hello? Jim? Pick up if you're there. She hears the lamp CRASH on the floor. INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS The phone and broken lamp lay on the floor. TRISH (O.S.) Hello? Jim rushes over to the phone JIM Trish, you gotta help me! I took some of that stuff you had in the bathroom and it turned me into a dog and I can't get to work and your dog made me eat half a bag of dog food and I think I'm gonna throw up! INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Trish holds phone away from her ear as JIM'S BARKING ECHOES LOUDLY FROM THE PHONE. INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS TRISH (O.S.) Hello? Jim, where are you? What's going on? JIM I told you, I'm stuck in your apartment-- INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS As JIM'S BARKING CONTINUES Trish hangs up the phone. INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS As the dial tone sounds, Jim circles around the phone. JIM Trish, no, don't hang up! INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Ryan sticks his head out of the door. RYAN Come on, Trish, don't leave me hanging in here. TRISH Something's wrong at home, I need to get back. RYAN Are you kidding? They're talking dinner and drinks. TRISH But I called my apartment and all I could hear was barking. And it didn't even sound like Bubbles! Something strange is definitely going on. RYAN Well what about that guy who's supposed to be watching your place? TRISH His phone goes to voicemail. And he's the only one who has my key. I put all my faith in him. RYAN Yeah, and look where that got you. TRISH Look, I know you and him got off on the wrong foot, but if you give him another chance, he's really a great guy. RYAN Yeah a guy who says he'll watch your dog then takes off. TRISH Well, I can't leave Bubbles alone all night, and even if I could there's still the cat, the goldfish... RYAN Jeez, how many pets do you have? TRISH Well, it's not like I'm one of those hoarders, I mean I only have three pets, well, four if you count the live guppies I feed to the fighting fish... RYAN Look, if it makes you feel better, we can drive back, check on your place, then meet them for drinks later tonight. TRISH I can't ask you to do that Ryan, that's like four hours of driving... RYAN (tosses his keys in his hand) Oh, you haven't seen me put the pedal to the metal yet, Baby. INT. LIVINGROOM - MOMENTS LATER Jim paces while Bubbles sits on his haunches. JIM Okay, it's not all bad, right. I mean, she probably hung up because she's racing back here. She'll take me to the doctor, or hell, the vet and we'll get this all straightened out. ORANGE (jumps onto phone table) You're really that stupid, aren't you? JIM At least I'm not a cat-- ORANGE You really think they can understand you? (pushes playback button on answering machine) TRISH (V.O.) Hello? Jim, pick up if you're there... JIM (V.O.) BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK! JIM (listening to himself bark) You mean, when I talk I just sound like a...like a dog? BUBBLES Hey, what's so wrong with that? JIM It means I'm trapped. (stops near a mirror) I could look like this for the rest of my life! BUBBLES I don't feel so good. JIM You don't feel so good? At least you don't look like your face collided with a truck... Bubbles COUGHS. ORANGE You are pretty hideous. Bubbles GAGS. JIM I've had just about enough of you-- Bubbles VOMITS all over the carpet. JIM Jeez, what are you doing??? Bubbles runs to ANOTHER CORNER OF LIVINGROOM Wretches, runs towards JIM'S CLOTHES Projectile vomits on Jim's shirt and pants. JIM Oh really, dude? BUBBLES Sorry, this always happens when I don't have portion control. EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON Ryan's car speeds along highway. INT. RYAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS Ryan is at the wheel, sunglasses on, looking handsome. Trish steals a glance at him, admiring. Ryan catches her gaze, smiles. RYAN What? TRISH It's really nice of you to do this for me. RYAN No problem. I know your dog means a lot to you. TRISH It's just nice to know a man who puts someone else's needs before his own. RYAN Well, hopefully you can get to know this man a lot better. INT. LIVINGROOM - LATER Bubbles lies on the floor, moaning, rubs his tummy with his paw. Jim has one of his socks in his mouth and tries to mop up the vomit. JIM (drops sock from mouth) Would you stop groaning? I'm the one who should be moaning. Do you know how much nastier it is to clean up vomit with your mouth than with your hand? And cleaning it up with your hand is pretty nasty. ORANGE If I were you, I'd focus on making Bubbles feels better. If I know Trish, she's gonna be way madder that her doggy is sick than that her living room smells like sour gravy train. And you ain't gonna be nowhere around to explain. JIM Oh my God, you're right. This is going to look like it's all my fault. ORANGE It is all your fault. JIM What?! ORANGE You were the one that done turned into a dog and went and got me to tip over that bag of food. You were also the one who knocked over that lamp. You better clean that up before Bubbles cuts his paw. Bubbles rolls precariously close to broken lamp. JIM But I didn't want any of this to happen. If only I could tell her somehow that the medicine is to blame... BUBBLES (weakly) When I want to send her a message sometimes I pee on the carpet. JIM Wait, that's it! ORANGE You gonna pee on the carpet? JIM No, toilet paper. Maybe if I spell out a message for her, she'll understand what's going on. Come on! ORANGE Are you talking to me? JIM It'll go faster if there's two of us. ORANGE Ok, but I get to claw the leftovers into little tiny pieces. EXT. TRISH'S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING Ryan's car pulls up. Ryan and Trish get out. Ryan heads towards Trish's door. TRISH Aren't you going to open the trunk? I need to get my bag out. RYAN Why? I'm sure everything's fine, we'll be back on the road in no time. Trish gives him a look as Ryan motions for her to go ahead of him. INT. LIVINGROOM - MOMENTS LATER Trish opens the door, steps inside, sniffs the air. TRISH What's that smell? Ryan enters. RYAN I don't know, but I don't think I'll ever eat beef jerky again. Trish flips on the light, gasps. The floor is covered in toilet paper crudely arranged to form the words "Meds R bad, I am a dog," the message is sloppy and barely discernible amid the piles of thinly shredded toilet paper. Trish steps over the toilet paper, oblivious to its message, feels something squishy under her foot. TRISH Ooooh! (reaches down, makes a face as she feels vomit on her hands) Bubbles must have gotten into his food! Bubbles, where are you baby? RYAN Watch out! (pulls her back) Broken glass. TRISH Oh my God, I can't believe this. What happened here? (walks further into living room) Jim, Jim? Are you here? Bubbles limps out from a corner. TRISH Oh, my sweet baby! (picks up Bubbles) What did he do to you? Are you alright? (rubs his stomach) Does your tum-tum hurt? Jim runs out, barking. TRISH Who's this? RYAN (tries to pet Jim) Hey, buddy. Jim growls and snaps, Ryan withdraws his hand. TRISH Well he's cute, whoever he is, but what on earth is he doing in my house? Jim barks and walks over to the toilet paper, points at it with his paw. TRISH Yeah, you like to get in the toilet paper, puppy, I bet Orange helped you. Orange where are you? Orange comes out of nowhere and rubs against Trish's legs. Still holding Bubbles she bends down to pet Orange. Jim jumps up and down by each word in the toilet paper message. JIM (V.O.) Can't you see my message? Your medicine is no good! TRISH Calm down little guy. She bends down to pet Jim, who licks her hand. JIM (V.O.) Hey, I don't like that little guy business but I'll take what I can get... TRISH I think I know what this is all about. RYAN You do? TRISH Yeah, Jim didn't want to stay here with Bubbles so he got this little guy to keep him company. In his totally undogcentric mind he must have thought they would keep each other company... JIM (V.O.) What's "undogcentric" mean? Whatever it means I resent it. TRISH Can you drive me to the convention center? RYAN We've got to get back to Biomed. TRISH (hands Bubbles to Ryan) It won't take long. I've just got to go tell Jim we're through (picks up Jim) And give him back his dog. Trish and Ryan, carrying the dogs, walk toward the door. JIM (V.O.) No wait, we're not through! Don't give me back my dog! I don't want me! TRISH Oh hush up. EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT OF TRADE SHOW - EVENING INT. TRADE SHOW - EVENING A smattering of customers linger to peruse merchandise as Salesmen pack up their wares. Stuart throws the medicine ball in the air and catches it idly. The Tunnel Toner is still set up nearby. Mr. Nelson walks up and Stuart guiltily hides the ball behind his back. NELSON Sell anything? STUART Not in the last four hours. NELSON (kicks at the Tunnel Toner) Not even this thing? STUART Nah-- NELSON We might as well pack it in. STUART What about tomorrow? NELSON Tomorrow you can help me pack up the store--we're out of business. Trish and Ryan walk in carrying the two dogs. TRISH (marches toward Stuart) I need to talk to Jim. STUART Great, let me know when you find him. TRISH He's not here? NELSON Your boyfriend's been AWOL all day so if you see him, you can tell him he's fired. And he can come take his stupid invention with him. Nelson kicks at the Tunnel Toner once more. Jim hops out of Trish's arms and nips Nelson's leg. Nelson kicks at Jim who runs into the Tunnel Toner. Nelson runs to the other end of the Tunnel Toner and tries to grab Jim who slips through his fingers and darts back into the tunnel. NELSON Damn you, rascal, get back here! Jim barks, wags his tail as he does another lap through the tunnel. Several Customers stop, smile and point as Nelson tries vainly to catch Jim. HUSBAND and WIFE join the growing crowd. WIFE Look, isn't that cute? HUSBAND Sparky'd have a ball with that thing. WIFE (approaches Stuart) How much are you selling those for? STUART Fifty dollars? (grabs carrying bag) It comes with this nice bag-- WIFE Uh-- HUSBAND (draws cash out of wallet) We'll give you thirty-five for it. STUART You've got a deal! Nelson gets hold of Jim. As Jim struggles to get away, Bubbles jumps out of Ryan's arms and nips Nelson on the hand. Both dogs take off into the Tunnel. Crowd laughs. Other Customers draw cash out of their wallets and shove it at Stuart. Nelson notices Customers and stops chasing the dogs. NELSON (to Stuart) What are you standing there for, get these people their doggy tunnels. STUART We only had one. NELSON (to crowd) Right this way, folks, you can put your deposit down and we'll get your tunnel to you in five business days or less. Jim stops running, cocks his head and barks. NELSON Will someone get this damn dog out of here? TRISH (picks up Bubbles) He's Jim's dog. When he comes to pick him up, tell him we're finished. Trish and Ryan walk away. Jim follows, whining. Stuart picks him up. STUART Where are you going little guy? You've got some tunnels to help sell-- EXT. TRADE SHOW - MOMENTS LATER Trish, still holding Bubbles, stomps towards Ryan's car. RYAN I'm proud of what you did back there. TRISH Well, he left me no choice. RYAN (opens door for Trish) You deserve much better. INT. TRADE SHOW - MOMENTS LATER The last of the Customers wander away. NELSON See you later, folks. (walks over to Stuart) How soon can you get me more of those things? STUART I don't know, this whole thing was Jim's baby. NELSON We need to find out who his supplier was as soon as possible. STUART Good luck, he already knows he's fired. NELSON Well, tell him he's un-fired until we fulfill those orders. Jim barks. JIM (V.O.) Over my dead body, that was my invention and I'm going to get the profit! STUART Hey little buddy, take it easy! Jim bites Stuart's hand. Stuart drops him. NELSON After him! STUART Relax, I'll go by the pound and get a nicer dog...maybe a Rottweiler. EXT. TRADE SHOW - CONTINUOUS Jim sees Ryan shutting the door for Trish, going around to the driver's side. JIM No, don't go with him! Jim scampers after the car. Ryan starts the car and puts it into drive. As the car pulls away from the curb, Jim jumps on the fender and clings for dear life. As Ryan darts into traffic, Jim is nearly thrown, but manages to grab onto the canvas of the convertible top. Bubbles, still in Trish's arms, sees him and wriggles free from her grasp. Trish turns and sees Bubbles dive to the back seat and place his paw on top of Jim's. TRISH Bubbles! Ryan, stop! Ryan slams on the brakes. BEHIND THE CAR Jim falls to the street. Trish gets out of the car and runs to Jim. TRISH He followed us! (bends down and inspects Jim's body for injury) JIM (V.O.) Oh yeah, that feels good, keep doing that... TRISH He doesn't seem to have any broken bones. (picks him up) JIM Come to Daddy. TRISH Sorry I left you little guy. It's not your fault your owner is an asshole. RYAN Trish, we can't keep him. We have a dinner to attend, besides just think of how much trouble they caused last time they were alone together. JIM (V.O.) You ain't seen nothing yet. TRISH Wait, I have an idea. Trish carries Jim to the front seat and gets in with him. RYAN What is it? TRISH I need you to stop by Pet Barn. Hurry, I think they close soon. INT. PET BARN - LATER Ryan has Bubbles on a brand new leash. Trish holds Jim while she looks at the merchandise. RYAN What do you think of this one? TRISH Perfect. RYAN Do you want me to get one for that little rascal? (nods towards Jim) TRISH No, I don't think a leash will do the trick. Ah! Here's what I was looking for! Trish takes down a small crate. JIM (V.O.) What, you're going to put me in a cage like I'm some kind of animal??? No, no...anything but that! TRISH (pushes Jim towards the open crate door) In you go-- Jim bears down on his hind legs. TRISH (nudging Jim) Come on, it's for your own good, you little troublemaker... RYAN Oh for God's sakes-- Ryan takes Jim by the scruff of his neck and roughly shoves him inside the crate, closes the wire door. Trish stares at Ryan, not liking what she has just seen. RYAN What, some times dogs just need a firm hand, Trish. Jim barks furiously from the crate. JIM (V.O.) I'll give you a firm hand, buddy, right in your khaki-wearing a-- Jim cannot finish his profanity, because he is suddenly jerked up by Trish, who stomps toward the cashier. RYAN Oh, come on, don't be mad. With Bubbles, still on the lead, Ryan follows Trish to the CASH REGISTER TRISHA I'm not mad, Ryan, it's just I believe that all animals are living beings with a complex set of needs and desires. And, as such I demand that everyone around me treats animals with the respect and care they deserve. JIM (V.O.) Damn right I got needs and desires. RYAN Right, complex needs and desires. CASHIER That'll be 55.87. As Trish gets out her credit card for the Cashier, Ryan fumbles for his own wallet. RYAN Oh, no, this is on me. Trish puts her wallet away with a hint of an approving smile. JIM (V.O.) Oh yeah, that always gets 'em, the old pull out the wallet routine. EXT. ROAD - EVENING Ryan's car peels down the highway, this time with the top up. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS POV Jim Through the bars of his crate, Jim can see the backs of Ryan and Trish's heads as they sit in the front seat. Bubbles face fills his view. BUBBLES You Okay in there? JIM I'm trapped in a cage and my girlfriend's sitting next to some preppy bozo, that sound okay to you? BUBBLES Okay, take it easy. One time they put me in one of those things, but I only had to be in it a few hours then I woke up and I was already back at home. JIM Wait, they sedate you in this thing? BUBBLES No, it was the doctor who sedated me, right before he-- JIM No, don't say another word. I don't want to hear about how you got your balls chopped off. BUBBLES What balls? I only got my toenails clipped... JIM Really? Have you checked between your legs lately. BUBBLES Hey, what are you trying to say? JIM Nothing, look, can you move out of the way, I'm trying to see what's going on in the front seat. BUBBLES Okay. Bubbles moves away from the cage and Jim has a full view of Ryan reaching for Trish's hand. JIM (gasping) No, no, no! Don't let him hold your hand, Trish. It's too soon! Ryan grasps Trish's hand for a few seconds, then she withdraws as she twists around toward the BACKSEAT TRISH What's going on back there? Why are you making so much noise, puppy? JIM (V.O.) I'm sorry I let you down, Trish, just give me some more time-- TRISH Aw, he's whining. He probably needs to pee. RYAN Jeez, we'll be there in like an hour...Relax. Ryan takes Trish's hand again and squeezes it, this time she does not pull away. Jim whines. No response from the front seat. Jim BARKS. Ryan flashes a dirty look towards the back seat and turns up the RADIO. BUBBLES (appears near cage door again) Uh-oh, looks like you're being ignored. JIM Can't you do something? BUBBLES Like what? JIM Go up there and bite him or something. BUBBLES Uh-uh, I know better than to bite the hand that's holding the hand that feeds me. JIM Well, at least go up there and distract them. I can't sit here and watch this. BUBBLES Okay, buddy, you don't have to watch! Bubbles nudges the crate until it falls between the seats. JIM (simultaneous) Wait, what are you doing? No! Jim peeks out his bars, where he has an almost perfect view of Ryan's hand around Trish's gently stroking her thumb. JIM No! Okay, Ryan, I didn't want to have to do this, but you just made me fight dirty. INT. CRATE - CONTINUOUS Jim squeezes his eyes shut and grunts. JIM Oh, baby, there goes a good one, yeah! INT. CAR FRONT SEAT - CONTINUOUS TRISH (wrinkles her nose) Eeeww, what's that smell? (turns to back seat) Oh, no doggy, please tell me you did not-- Ryan slams on the brakes. RYAN Oh, please tell me that mutt did not shit in my car! EXT. ROAD - MOMENTS LATER Trish's hand reaches out of the car door, deposits the crate by the side of the road. The car roars off. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS Trish sits with Jim on her lap. RYAN (mutters to himself) If you ask me, we should have left that mutt in the crate. TRISH What did you say? RYAN I said, I hope the little mutt wasn't too uncomfortable in that crate? TRISH Well, he seems a lot happier now. Trish strokes Jim's head. Ryan narrows his eyes at Jim, as Jim wags his tail smugly. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Ryan opens the door to the room and pulls both suitcases in. Trish follows behind him, carrying Jim on her arm and leading Bubbles with the leash. RYAN (turns light on) We finally made it. Should I order up some room service? TRISH I thought we were supposed to meet the Biomed team for dinner. RYAN Oh, didn't I tell you? They phoned and asked for a breakfast meeting. Seems these scientific types like to hit the sack early...can't say as I blame them. I'm beat, myself. Ryan parks the suitcases in the corner and jumps onto the king-sized bed. RYAN Do you want the right side or the left? TRISH Excuse me? RYAN Well, in the car, I thought we were kind of, you know... TRISH Look, just cause I hold your hand doesn't mean I'm ready to share no king-sized bed with you. Jim barks enthusiastically. RYAN (jumps up from bed) Trish, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-- TRISH (takes his hand) Not that I don't like you, but all of this is moving so fast...And who's going to keep an eye on little Poopsie tonight? (hands Jim to Ryan) JIM (V.O.) You did not just call me Poopsie! RYAN Poopsie? TRISH Cause of his little accident in the car. I think it fits, don't you? Jim growls. TRISH Anyway, if you get a room next door, we'll keep these two separated while we get some shut-eye and they'll each have a place to chill while we meet with Biomed tomorrow. RYAN But-- TRISH Thanks, you're the best. Trish kisses Ryan on the mouth. Jim comes between them and barks. TRISH Oh, Poopsie, if I didn't know better, I'd say he was jealous. RYAN Yeah, right. Jim growls. Ryan glares at Jim. INT. RYAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER Ryan lays in bed, trying to sleep. Jim stands on his chest. Ryan shoves him off and turns on his side. Jim gets back on the bed and sits right beside Ryan staring at him. Ryan turns, opens one eye and sees Jim glaring at him. Jim lets out a deep growl. EXT. HOTEL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Ryan, holding the still growling Jim, KNOCKS on Trish's door. No answer, he KNOCKS again, this time louder. Trish answers the door, sleepily. Ryan thrusts Jim at her. RYAN You gotta take this dog. TRISH What? Why? RYAN I can't get any sleep. He just keeps staring at me and growling. (Jim growls at Ryan) Like that. TRISH (takes Jim) Oh, alright. RYAN I'll see you in the morning. Ryan leans in to kiss her, but Jim intervenes, baring his teeth. TRISH See ya. Ryan exits. INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS Trish goes back into her room and sets Jim down. Bubbles is on a chair, sound asleep. Spread all over the bed are books and index cards with notes on them. TRISH (flops onto the bed, cross-legged) Make yourself comfortable, Poopsie, it's going to be a long night. TRISH (talking to an imaginary client) Of course, we've all read the studies of unsuccessful trials with canine genes, but this medication is different because....because... JIM (V.O.) I wish there was some way to tell you, your medication is doomed because it's going to turn all your patients into a pack of howling mutts. Jim whines, jumps up and nuzzles her with his nose. Trish ignores Jim, reaches for her cellphone on the bedside table, dials Jim's number. JIM (V.O.) Hello? (pause) Ha, fooled you! I'm not here right now-- Trish hangs up, looks wistfully out the window. Jim nuzzles her again, wags his tail. She smiles slightly and pets him. JIM (V.O.) I'm still here, baby. TRISH At least I've still got you, Poopsie. JIM (V.O.) Okay, we've got to get rid of that name. Jim watches as Trish opens the honor bar fridge aimlessly, takes out a candy bar and a soda. She slams them down on the dresser, stares at them for a moment, then puts them back in the fridge, slamming the door. She walks over to her suitcase and takes out a scale. JIM Who brings a scale to a hotel? She takes the scale into the BATHROOM Steps on the scale, looks down at her weight, then sinks down onto the toilet seat, face in her hands. Jim goes to her. JIM No, no, what's wrong? Don't tell me you're crying. Don't you know how beautiful you are?...I know how I can cheer you up. Jim barks to get her attention. Stands up on his hind legs and dances in a circle. JIM Yeah, you like me now? Trish looks up and laughs. TRISH Aw, you're dancing. Jim pumps his hips. TRISH (laughing) Oh my God! I've got to get this-- Trish goes back into LIVING ROOM Gets her cellphone, She comes back to BATHROOM Starts to film Jim as he dances around on his hind legs. She presses a button on her cellphone and MUSIC BLARES. Jim shimmies and shakes to the music, then walks on his hind legs over to Trish, puts his front paws on her leg. JIM Aw, I'm getting tired, your turn! TRISH Oh, you wanna dance with me? Trish takes one of his paws with her free hand and dances around with Jim. Bubbles comes into BATHROOM DOORWAY BUBBLES Unbelievable. You think you're the only one who can dance around on your hind legs. Watch this. Bubbles grunts and lifts his front paws for a few split seconds. He gives it another try, then sinks back down on all fours. BUBBLES Oh, forget it. JIM Yeah, I'm with you brother, this two legged thing is for the birds. Jim goes back down on all fours. Trish gets caught up in the music and continues dancing, swaying her hips to the beat. She looks in the mirror and checks herself out, running her hand seductively over her chest. BUBBLES Uh-oh, this is turning into another one of her "me parties"... Trish sets the cellphone down on the counter, grabs a brush and sings along with the lyrics into the mirror. JIM Yeah, well, this is one party I'm glad I'm invited to. BUBBLES Yech--she can keep this up for hours. JIM Wait, I have an idea... Jim runs out of the bathroom, comes back with a pillow in his mouth. Jim sits by the pillow, wags his tail, whining. TRISH (sets the brush down and looks at him) Are you trying to tell me something puppy? Jim BARKS and nods toward her pillow. TRISH (pets Jim's head, yawns) You're right, I probably should get to bed. Jim leads Trish back to the BEDROOM Trish clears her books and notes off the bed. Trish pulls back the covers and starts to get in the bed, Jim hops up by her pillow. TRISH Oh, you want to get in bed too, huh? Alright, come here, you. Trish scoops him up and snuggles into the covers with him. JIM (V.O.) I could get used to this. It almost makes being a dog not that bad. Bubbles comes to the foot of the bed, pokes his head up and sees Trish and Jim snuggling. BUBBLES Unbelievable! You're getting bed privileges on the first night! JIM (licks Trish who smiles sleepily) Some of us are just special. Bubbles sighs and retreats back to his chair. INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - MORNING Trish sleeps, the sunlight illuminates her face, highlighting both her beauty and almost childlike innocence. Jim stands nearby, watching her. JIM (V.O.) I never should have taken you for granted. If I ever get out of this mess, I promise I'm going to listen to you and not only am I going to move in with you, I'm going to make it legal as in put a ring on it, forever, baby. You are so special. Jim leans down and licks her slowly on her cheek. Trish awakens with a sleepy giggle, then sits up suddenly. TRISH Oh my God! What time is it? (grabs her cellphone, checks the time) Oh shit, I'm gonna be late. KNOCK AT THE DOOR Trish, dressed only in a sports bra and panties, jumps out of bed, knocking Jim to the floor, as she fumbles with her pants on the way to the door. She opens the door, Ryan stands there, dressed but disheveled. TRISH I thought you were going to wake me up! RYAN I know, I overslept--are you ready? TRISH (slipping into her shoes) No, I haven't even fed the dogs-- RYAN We'll only be a couple of hours. TRISH But what about their water? RYAN They're dogs, they can drink out of the toilet. JIM (V.O.) I'd like to see you take a drink out of a toilet sometime. TRISH Okay, I guess...wait, weren't we going to put Poopsie in your room? RYAN This is a hotel room. There's nothing these two can do in here that hasn't been done before. Come on, Trish, we're late. TRISH Okay, let me get my purse... RYAN And don't you think you should put a shirt on... TRISH Oh, right. Trish rushes back into the room, picks up a shirt from the floor, hurriedly slips it on, leaves her purse on the floor. Jim whines and paces as she makes her way back to the door. TRISH (pats his head) Be good Poopsie. JIM I wish you knew what a big mistake you're making, Trish. RYAN Come on, we've got to go! Ryan ushers Trish out with a slam of the door. Bubbles walks up to Jim. BUBBLES Okay, so how are we going to get out of here, this time, genius? JIM (lays down, head between paws) I give up. I guess we're just all doomed. BUBBLES Hey, cheer up. You're the one that taught me where there's a will there's a way. JIM Forget it. I'm just going to have to get used to the idea that I'm going to be the dog for the rest of my life. Wait a minute, the rest of my life...that could be like what, six or seven more years, tops! Jim rolls over and sighs. BUBBLES Would you snap out of it? Hey, I know what you need...snacks! Bubbles runs towards Trish's purse and seizes the handle with his teeth. The contents fall out as he shakes it vigorously in his mouth. JIM (sitting up) Hey, that's her purse! What do you think you're doing? BUBBLES (nosing through purse) Lipstick, nah, gum, nah, birth control pills, those give me gas...a-ha, score! Bottom of the purse peanuts! JIM Would you quit that? She probably needs that stuff. INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT - MORNING Bob Sargent sits at a table surrounded by Asian businessmen. Ryan and Trish hurry up. Bob stands up as he sees them approach. RYAN (Extends his hand to Bob) Sorry, we're late. PROCTOR Oh, you two are just in time. I took the liberty of inviting some of our investors. (motions to the men seated at the table) Ryan and Trish smile and nod at the investors then sit down at the table. BOB Now, on the phone, you had mentioned that you would be able to bring a sample of this Cani-Med. RYAN Yes, Trish, you brought the sample, right? TRISH Sample, you didn't say anything about a sample. RYAN I thought you said it was in your purse. TRISH Oh my Gosh, I left in a such a hurry I forgot my purse! Our hotel's right around the corner. I can get it and come right back. BOB Well, our investors have a flight to catch... RYAN I'll go, you wait here. TRISH I can't let you do that-- RYAN I can run faster than you. TRISH Oh, alright. Ryan is about to dart off, Trish grabs his arm. TRISH Thank you. RYAN (kisses her) You can thank me later. INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Bubbles chews on Trish's lipstick, leaving his lips stained red. JIM Come on, knock it off, Bubbles, do know what you look like right now? BUBBLES She calls this stuff cherry desire but it sure don't taste like cherries-- Bubbles paws around some more in the purse contents. He uncovers a plastic bag with the Cani-Med inside. JIM Come on, you're getting lipstick all over her stuff. Wait, what's this. With his teeth, Jim gingerly withdraws the bag. JIM This is the stuff that did this to me. Maybe if I can bring this to her, they'll all put two and two together and realize this shit turned me into a dog. If only there was a way out of here. BUBBLES Maybe you could open the door with your hand. JIM Yeah, right. You know my paws don't work any better than yours do. BUBBLES Okay, but that sure look like a human foot to me. Bubbles nods towards Jim's leg. Jim SHRIEKS. There is are toes on the bottom of one of his legs. His leg is also starting to lengthen and lose its fur. JIM Yikes, what's happening to me? BUBBLES It's what you wanted, you're getting your old body back. JIM Yeah, but, I think Trish liked me better--whoa. Jim loses his balance as his four legs become two legs and two arms. He brushes the loose hair off his naked body and notices that his flab has been replaced by muscles. JIM Damn, when'd I get these abs? BUBBLES High protein diet, lots of exercise, that's why we dogs rock it with the ladies... Jim continues admiring his own body. The door beeps, opens, Ryan stands in the doorway. Ryan stares at him incredulously. Jim picks up Bubbles and uses the dog to shield his private parts. INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER Trish drinks coffee nervously as the Asian businessmen check their watches and murmur to each other. One of them leans over to Bob and says something. BOB (to Trish) I'm sorry, they say they really can't stay any longer, their plane leaves in under an hour-- TRISH I could mail them a sample... BOB I wish it was as easy as that. You see, they want to make sure you're legitimate. I know it sounds crazy but in there country they get a lot of fly-by-night researchers who ask for a lot of money when the actual medication turns out to be a lot of herbs that are available at your typical Asian drugstore. TRISH Please, just five more minutes. BOB Alright, I'll order a round of bloody Marys--that should keep them for a little while longer. INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER RYAN What the hell-- JIM (stands still holding Bubbles to his groin) I might ask you the same question, I thought you were just Trish's business partner, perhaps you might explain to me why you two were practically sharing the same hotel room. RYAN I don't have to explain anything to you. (looks down at Trish's purse) My God, were you going through her purse? JIM It was the dog, I was trying to stop him. BUBBLES Sure, blame it all on me. And do you mind putting me down, this is very uncomfortable-- RYAN (spies medication) A-ha, well, I'm just going to have to deal with your mental illness later, if you'll excuse me. Ryan bends down to pick up the medication. Jim kicks him in the chin. Ryan falls backward, feels his chin, gets angry. RYAN Oh, it's on now... Ryan gets up and puts up his dukes. Jim circles around him, fists in the air. JIM Oh, you want a piece of this let's do it. RYAN (drops arms) Look, do you have some boxers you could put on because this is making me a little uncomfortable. Jim coldcocks him in the face. Ryan falls backward unconscious. INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER Asian businessmen look dubious as a waitress sets bloody Marys before them. One BUSINESSMAN takes a drink, smiles and gives the thumbs up to his buddies who all take sips. Trish smiles, raises her glass at the businessmen and takes a large chug of her drink. INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Jim snatches up the medication and starts to leave. He pauses at the door, remembering his naked state, then casts an eye back towards Ryan. Suddenly Ryan's cell phone, sticking out of his shirt pocket, chirps with a text alert. Jim steps closer to Ryan and eyes the text message. ON TEXT MESSAGE "Hurry, investors are about to leave!!!!" BACK TO HOTEL ROOM Jim gingerly lifts the cell phone out of Ryan's pocket and texts back. ON RYAN'S PHONE! "It's Jim. Where are you?" "Jim??? What are you doing there?" "Nevermind, if you want your medication you have to tell me where you are" "The Lemongrass House...hurry! I will and I love you." BACK TO HOTEL ROOM Jim mutters to himself, picks up Bubbles and puts him back in front of his genitals. BUBBLES This again? JIM Trish needs us, Bubbles. BUBBLES Okay, but when this is over, you gotta get me into the bath. JIM Deal. Jim runs out of room with Bubbles. INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER Trish stares at her cellphone ON TRISH'S CELLPHONE "I love you." BACK TO RESTAURANT Trish continues to stare at her phone, then is startled by the sound of glasses slamming on the table as the now tipsy businessmen start putting on their coats. TRISH No, don't go. Wait, watch this. Trish peels off a string of celery and puts it in her mouth. She works the string inside her mouth for a few seconds then takes it out, tied in a perfect knot. The businessmen nod, impressed and a few of them sit back down. EXT. STREET - MORNING Jim runs down the street carrying the medication in one card and Bubbles in the other. Passers-by stop to stare. INT. DONUT SHOP - CONTINUOUS A COP, stops eating his donut mid-bite and stares as Jim runs past the donut shop window. INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER Trish sits with a row of knotted celery strings in front of her. The businessmen look tired and start to stand up. BOB Look, Trish, we really need to let them go, they're going to miss their plane-- TRISH Wait, I can sing. (sings) Start spreading the news... Bob rolls his eyes as the businessmen get interested again. EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER Jim sprints down the sidewalk as Cop follows him in a patrol car. COP (through car loudspeaker) Sir, I'm going to need you to stop and put your hands in the air. JIM (turns toward cop, lifts Bubbles into the air) You mean like this? COP Actually, sir, you can keep the one hand with the dog down but I'm still gonna need you to stop. Jim darts around a corner and Cop turns his siren on. Jim stops, breathing heavily and stares at medication. JIM (to Bubbles) Darn, I forgot to ask her the address of the Lemongrass House restaurant. BUBBLES I don't need to know where it is. I just use my nose. JIM Your nose? BUBBLES Yeah, if you got any dog left in you at all, all you have to do is lift your nose to the air and her smell will lead you right to it. Jim lift his nose and takes a few sniffs. JIM You're right! I can smell her! Jim takes off running just as the patrol car turns down the alley. INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER TRISH (still singing) It's up to you New York, New York! Restaurant erupts in applause. BOB (whispers through gritted teeth smile) If you sing one more song, I promise you won't get a drop of funding from me! Businessmen stand up and bow to Trish. TRISH (stands up and bows in return) Okay, good-bye, nice knowing you, good-bye. An excited murmur ripples through the restaurant as Jim runs in, Bubbles still at his groin, waving the medication bag. JIM (hands the bag to Trish) Here, I thought you might need this. TRISH Jim...where have you been? Where are your clothes? JIM It's a long story. But trust me, you don't want to put that stuff on the market yet. BOB What's the meaning of this? Trish, do you know this man. JIM Please sir, there's a very good explanation of why I'm dressed like this. Businessmen TITTER. JIM You see, for the last 24 hours, I have been trapped in a dog's body...it happened after I accidentally dosed myself with Cani-Med! Businessmen stop laughing. TRISH Why don't you just leave, Jim? Haven't you ruined my life enough already? BOB I think she's right. And there's just the man to help us. Bob nods toward Cop who stands scowling in the lobby. Jim sighs, hands Bubbles to Trish and walks toward Cop as businessmen stare. A BUSINESSMAN notices Bubbles for the first time and huge smile comes over his face. He walks up and scratches Bubbles under the chin. Jim gives one longing look back at Trish and leaves with Cop. Bob looks at Trish, starts to say something. The RESTAURANT MANAGER walks up. TRISH I know, no dogs allowed. I was just leaving. BUSINESSMAN (still scratching Bubbles) The Albino long-haired chihuahau is my favorite breed. (takes the medication bag) We'll take this back to our lab and give you answer by the end of the month. TRISH Oh really? Thank you so much! INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON Ryan is still conked out on the floor. The door BEEPS as Trish enters with Bubbles. She sets Bubbles down and runs to Ryan. TRISH Oh my Gosh, Ryan, are you okay? As Ryan slowly comes to, Trish touches the bump on his forehead. RYAN Yeah, ouch, don't touch there. TRISH What happened? RYAN The last thing I remember, your naked ex-boyfriend was punching me in the face. TRISH But where's Poopsie? RYAN Who? TRISH The little black dog... Trish starts to look around the room. RYAN Oh him, I don't know, he was long gone when I got here. Just Bubbles, I'm glad you got her back. TRISH (does a double take at Ryan) Him. RYAN Huh? TRISH Bubbles is a him. RYAN Oh yeah, whatever. INT. JAIL RECEPTION AREA - AFTERNOON Stuart sits in an uncomfortable plastic chair. A heavy door opens and Jim steps out wearing an orange jumpsuit. Stuart leaps up. STUART Hey, buddy, what happened? They said you were streaking around town today? JIM Oh, it's a long story. Hey, thanks for bailing me out. I'll pay you back as soon as I get another job. STUART Actually, I feel like I need to pay you. JIM What? STUART Yeah, your Tunnel Toners have been selling like hotcakes over at the trade show. JIM Oh right. Was Nelson actually pocketing all the dough from that? STUART Yeah, I managed to hold back a little of the proceeds, I mean it was your idea. JIM Damn right it was. STUART So, there's just one thing. Boss wants to know where you had those things made. JIM He does, huh? STUART Yeah, we promised all those people we'd deliver in seven days or their money back. JIM You tell Nelson, I'll let him know, but he's gonna have to pay... INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - EVENING, THREE MONTHS LATER Trish sits on the couch. Her TV is on with low sound. She stares at a letter. ON LETTER "We regret to inform you that we are declining to fund your research at this time." BACK TO LIVINGROOM Trish sets the letter down and picks up a faded flier. ON FLIER "LOST DOG" - CELLPHONE PICTURE OF JIM STANDING ON HIS HIND LEGS "CALL Trish at 555-7730" BACK TO TRISH'S APARTMENT Trish lets the flier fall to the floor. Her gaze listlessly goes toward the TV. ON SCREEN INT. A KITCHEN - DAY A dog bites into a bag of dog food. JIM (V.O.) When you're away from home does your dog do this? INT. A LIVINGROOM - DAY A dog bites the stuffing out of a chair. JIM (V.O.) Or this? INT. ANOTHER ROOM - DAY A pile of dog poop. JIM (V.O.) Or even this? INT. DOGGY DAYCARE RECEPTION AREA - DAY Jim stands in the reception area looking fit and trim in khakis and a polo shirt with the Tunnel of Fun logo. BACK TO TRISH'S LIVINGROOM Trish picks up the remote and raises the volume. INT. DOGGY DAYCARE RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS JIM When you leave your dog alone all day he can become lonely, bored and broken-hearted. (looks directly into the camera) He only wants to be with you. JIM Here at my Tunnel of Fun Doggy Daycare center we let dogs have fun so when you get home, they only want to snuggle with you. INT. ANOTHER DOGGY DAYCARE ROOM - DAY Dogs paw and bite at "bags" of food. Jim steps into the picture. JIM Here in our "pantry" dogs can gnaw all they want at bags, boxes and toilet paper rolls. Everything is 100 percent edible, and 100 percent barf-proof! He steps into the FURNITURE ROOM Dogs tear the stuffing out of mattresses and chairs while others gnaw on wooden table legs. JIM Here in the furni-chew room, dogs can take out their aggression on our mattresses, chairs and tables instead of yours! POTTY ROOM The potty room looks like a standard bathroom with closed- door stalls. JIM Your dog will be able to relieve himself in privacy and comfort because isn't that the decent thing to do?... TUNNEL TONER ROOM Dogs run through tunnel toners. JIM And finally, when he's done, he'll be able to run to his heart's content in our tunnel toner exercise room. Hi, I'm Jim Davis, owner and operator of Tunnel of Fun Doggy Daycare. You might ask, what makes me such an expert on dogs? Well, I've spent so much time with dogs that sometimes I feel like I am one. Jim lifts his hands in a doggy begging pose that dances around in a circle with his tongue out. BACK TO TRISH'S APARTMENT Trish grabs the remote and quickly turns the TV off. She sits thinking for a moment. She grabs the phone and starts to dial, then puts the phone back down. A KNOCK at the front door. Trish opens it and Ryan is there, hiding something behind his back. RYAN Oh, good, you're home. I couldn't tell with all the lights turned off. Hey, are you still moping around about the research grant? TRISH I'm not moping. I'm just disappointed that's all. RYAN Well, hey, I have a surprise for you. TRISH Really? What is it? Ryan reveals the small dog carrier he had been hiding behind his back. TRISH What's this? (peers in carrier) You didn't....did you find Poopsie? RYAN Yeah, he was just wandering in the street... Trish takes the dog out of the carrier and holds it up. Her smile turns to a frown. TRISH This isn't Poopsie. RYAN Okay, I was going to tell you that, but this one's even cuter-- TRISH It's a female and its chocolate brown, not black. (puts dog back in carrier) RYAN What are you doing? Don't you want it? TRISH No, it's not Poopsie. RYAN But that's impossible, you're a veterinary researcher, how can you not love a dog? TRISH I don't know, why don't you take her? RYAN Well, I-- TRISH Admit, you don't even like dogs-- RYAN No, that's not true...okay, maybe I am more of a cat person....okay that's not true, maybe I am more of a statue of a cat kind of person. TRISH (takes pet carrier back from him) You know what? I will take this dog from you because, honestly, I wouldn't trust you with a pet rock. Trish pushes him out the door and starts to shut it. RYAN Can I call you tomorrow? TRISH No! Trish closes the door on Ryan, leans against the door sighing. Bubbles comes up and barks at her. TRISH What? Don't you start, too. Bubbles barks again. From within the carrier, the New Puppy begins to bark. TRISH Oh my Gosh, two dogs... Orange steps out from the shadows. TRISH And a cat. What am I going to do? Bubbles barks. TRISH Yeah, I know. INT. DOGGY DAYCARE RECEPTION AREA - AFTERNOON A RECEPTIONIST, 20s, female pretty, sits at the counter wearing a Tunnel of Fun polo shirt. Trish walks in with Bubbles and the New Puppy on a leash and looks disappointed upon seeing the comely receptionist. RECEPTIONIST Can I help you? TRISH I was here about your service. RECEPTIONIST Yeah, you look like you could use a hand with those two. (grabs a clipboard) If you could fill this out, I can get you started... TRISH Actually, I was hoping to talk to the owner. RECEPTIONIST He's in the back, is there anything I can help you with? TRISH (looks down) Uh, no-- Jim appears in the doorway to the back area. JIM Trish. TRISH (looks up and sees him, her heart skips a beat) Hi Jim. JIM Michelle, do you think you could go check the pantry? I think our guests have ripped apart almost all the bags. MICHELLE Sure. Michelle exits through the doorway. TRISH You have an employee, I'm impressed. JIM Actually, employees. I can't run this place myself. (bends down) Hey, Bubbles, how've you been? Bubbles breaks free from Trish and runs over to Jim who scratches him behind his ears. JIM Oh yeah, I know you like that. Trish watches amazed as Jim fusses over the dog. JIM (pets New Puppy) And who's this? You got another one. She looks like another dog I used to know. TRISH What happened to him, Jim? JIM (standing up) Excuse me? TRISH The little pug that you left at my apartment when you-- JIM That was me. TRISH Stop. JIM I know it sounds unbelievable, but Cani-Med did it to me. Whatever you put in that little vial, pretty powerful stuff. TRISH I noticed the lid was loose. Did you actually taste some? JIM No, I was just looking at it, I spilled some, it got in my mouth and it turned me into a frickin' dog! TRISH Oh my Gosh! All I was trying to do was help rebuild human tissue-- JIM (makes a muscle) Well, it sure helped me rebuild mine, you like? Oh, and all my back problems? Totally cured. TRISH No, Jim, this is awful. I submitted it to a new drug company. They're probably running test on it as we speak-- INT. LAB - DAY GRUNGY GUY sits on an exam table as a LAB ASSISTANT comes up to him with a syringe. LAB ASSISTANT So you're sure you've read and signed all the forms and warnings? NERDY GUY (rolls up sleeve) Yeah, now let's get this over with so I can get my fifty bucks. Lab Assistant injects Grungy Guy with serum. Grungy Guy instantly turns into a sheepdog and starts barking at Lab Assistant's feet. INT. DOGGY DAY CARE - CONTINUOUS Jim steps over and puts his hand on her arm. JIM Relax, I'm sure everything will turn out okay. I mean, it wears off, doesn't it? Tiffany runs in carrying a bag of food in her mouth. Jim gets down on all fours and grabs the end of his bag with his mouth and engages in a tug-of-war with her. Michelle runs in and tries to call the dog back. Jim wins the tug-of-war, but falls back on his haunches laughing. Trish looks a bit stunned, then erupts in laughter. JIM What do you say, baby, can I take you out to dinner? Trish crosses to the other side of the counter and pulls Jim up by the hand. TRISH Sure, but I think we're gonna have to find these two a room. Trish nods over at Bubbles and Tiffany who are sniffing each others butts. JIM (embraces Trish) Didn't I tell you, we've got the honeymoon suites in the back? FADE TO BLACK
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