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FADE IN
EXT. CAFE - DAY, PRESENT DAY
JIM, early 30s, good looks hidden by a layer of paunch and
slight double chin, dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, sits
alone at an outdoor cafe with an empty glass, looks around
impatiently.
Nearby, a DOG sits tied up to its owner's chair.
Jim makes eye contact with the dog. Dog growls. Jim scoots
his chair away nervously.
Jim stares at the table and frowns. Looking around to make
sure no one notices, he takes a handkerchief out of his pocket
and starts wiping up the grime on the table.
He looks at handkerchief, disgusted, starts to put it back
in his pocket, then thinks better and shoves it to the edge
of the table.
He looks back towards the street, his eyes light up as he
sees TRISH, late 20s, a knockout in a lowcut blouse, only
her torso visible above the cafe fencing.
She comes through the cafe gate, Jim's face falls as he sees
the leashes in her hand attached to three slobbering dogs
including BUBBLES, a small white furry dog.
TRISH
(walks over and pecks
Jim on the cheek)
Hi, sorry I'm late.
JIM
(scoots away)
Ach, why'd you bring all those dogs
with you?
(pushing dogs away)
Don't you know those things are just
giant germ carriers?
TRISH
Well, good morning to you too. I
told you, I'm keeping Bootsie for a
friend, and I walk Penny here on
Thursdays...
JIM
(nods at Bubbles who
bares his teeth at
Jim)
What about that one?
TRISH
(picks up Bubbles)
Jim, this is my dog!
JIM
Oh yeah, did you do something with
his hair?
TRISH
Baby, how long have we been going
out?
JIM
I don't know...three, four months?
TRISH
Eight. Eight months. We've been
together almost a year and you don't
even recognize my dog.
JIM
No, it's just you always have so
many animals around you, your
apartment is like freaking Animal
Planet.
Trish glares at him and Bubbles growls.
JIM
Can you get that dog to stop staring
at me?
TRISH
You know, the whole problem with you
is you don't even take the time to
listen, you don't even know who I
am.
JIM
(scoots closer, wraps
an arm around her)
Yes, I do you're the most beautiful
girl in the whole city. And you're--
Bubbles jumps up in Trish's lap protectively. Jim releases
his arm.
JIM
Oh, man, not this again. Sugar, why
is that dog always coming between
us?
TRISH
That dog has got a name.
JIM
Yeah....so?
TRISH
So what is it?
JIM
(thinks for a moment)
Booboo?
Bubbles growls then barks.
TRISH
(stands up, gathers
up dogs)
Forget it, we're done here. And for
the record, his name is Bubbles.
JIM
Wait, Trish.
(touches her arm)
I think I know why you asked me here
today and I just want to let you
know I think it's time.
TRISH
Time for what?
JIM
(takes her hand)
You know, taking this relationship
to the next level.
TRISH
(smiles, surprised) *
Jim, you're going to do this right
here, right now?
JIM
Do what?
(lets go of her hand)
TRISH
Propose.
JIM
Oh honey, I ain't proposing to you,
I just think we should move in
together.
TRISH
Move in together?
JIM
(disappointed)
Yeah, isn't that what you wanted to
talk to me about? All that stuff
about letting me have the key to
your apartment?
TRISH
I wanted to see if I could trust you
to take care of Bubbles this weekend
while I make a presentation in San
Francisco.
JIM
Oh, I could do it, baby, you can
trust me....wait, this weekend? Oh
man, it's the big trade show, if I
miss it, I'll lose half my sales
quota for the whole year.
TRISH
Okay, fine. I guess I can just find
another billionaire investor to fund
my research project.
(turns to leave)
JIM
Wait, you've got a research project?
TRISH
(whirls around)
The Cani-Med project?
Jim gives her a blank look.
TRISH
It's a medication I developed where
I took rapid-healing canine genes
and spliced them into a medication
to cure human arthritis. I thought I
told you all about it the night we
met.
JIM
The night we met? I was too busy
thinking about your beautiful, big...
Trish glares at him.
JIM
STREET
Jim follows her down the street, jumps in front of her.
Dogs bark and jump on him.
JIM
(to dogs)
Down boy! Down!
Jim continues fighting off the two larger dogs as he talks.
Bubbles humps Jim's leg.
JIM
Please give me another chance. I'll
watch Booboo for you this weekend,
I'll make it work.
TRISH
Bubbles....Bubbles!
JIM
Okay, already, Bubbles.
TRISH
No,
(nods down)
Bubbles!
Jim looks down, sees Bubbles humping his leg.
JIM
Hey, he likes me.
Jim bends down to pick Bubbles up, Bubbles growls and
continues humping.
RYAN (O.S.)
Oh, hey Trish.
Jim looks up and sees RYAN, late 20s, tall, muscular, unhidden
gorgeousness.
TRISH
Oh, hi Ryan.
RYAN
So are we still on for tonight?
Jim stands up ignoring Bubbles.
JIM
Like hell you are.
TRISH
Jim, I'd like you to meet Ryan, my
research partner.
RYAN
(extends hand)
Hi, nice to meet you.
JIM
Partner, you didn't tell me you had
no partner.
RYAN
(realizes Jim isn't
going to shake his
hand, withdraws it)
I'm really handling more of the
business side of things, Trish is
the brains behind this operation.
TRISH
Ryan provided me with my seed funding
and he's been lining up investors.
JIM
What? So he's some kind of sugar
daddy.
RYAN
Well, I don't if I would say Daddy,
but a lot of people think I'm really
sweet.
JIM
Oh, is that so.
As Jim eyes Ryan, a GROWLING noise is heard.
TRISH
Calm down, Jim, you don't have to
growl.
JIM
That's not me.
Jim looks down and sees Bubbles growling at him. Bubbles
barks and starts humping Jim's leg.
RYAN
I'd say that little feller is trying
to make you his bitch, Jim.
Ryan smirks as Trish bends down and gets Bubbles off of Jim's
leg.
TRISH
(to Bubbles)
Oh, are you trying to be the boss
dog? Do you want Jim to be your
widdle bitch?
(in a normal voice)
He's got that look in his eye. He
needs to poop.
(to dogs)
Come on guys, time for your walk.
RYAN
(takes Penny's leash)
Oh, let me help you.
Penny wags tail, licks Ryan.
JIM
I'd come but I've got to get to
work...
Oblivious, Trish and Ryan head off in the other direction.
JIM
(calls after them)
Hey, what about dog-sitting or
whatever.
Jim looks uncomfortable as Trish and Ryan go off down the
street.
Bubbles turns around and seems to smile smugly, then Trish
gently pulls him back around.
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT OF GYM EQUIPMENT STORE - DAY
INT. GYM EQUIPMENT STORE - CONTINUOUS
A big showroom full of treadmills, stationary bikes and other
equipment, completely free of customers.
Jim bounces a medicine ball towards STUART, 30s, a big, deep-
voiced jock.
STUART
(catches ball)
Wow, that's harsh. Ryan. Is he a
cutie-pie?
JIM
What? How the hell should I know?
STUART
(throws ball back)
Does he have big dreamy eyes and
nice full lips?
JIM
(catches ball with a
grunt)
I didn't notice. He just seemed
like an ass.
(throws ball back at
Stuart)
STUART
(catches it, spins it
in his hands, easily)
And so why are they getting together
tonight?
(throws ball back at
Jim)
JIM
(catches it, jams his
fingers a bit, stops
to shake them out)
Business stuff. He's backing her
research project for some new genetic
medication.
(throws ball back to
Stuart)
STUART
(catches ball, passes
it behind his back)
He's backing her? Sure he's not
backing into her?
Stuart throws the ball and hits Jim in the gut. Jim inhales
sharply and clutches his stomach.
JIM
Not if I have anything to say about
it. I'm gonna stick around her pad
tonight to make sure there's no funny
business going on.
Jim weakly rolls the ball back to Stuart.
STUART
(catches ball)
You can't do that, bro.
JIM
Why not?
STUART
(winds up to throw
the ball)
You'll look like a jealous ogre.
Chicks hate that.
Jim ducks out of the way of the ball which flies towards the
boss, MR. NELSON, 50s, short, fat, bald, as he comes out of
his office.
JIM
Mr. Nelson, watch--
Mr. Nelson catches the ball with a grim smile, throws it at
Jim who catches it with another gasp.
JIM
-out.
STUART
Sorry about that, boss.
JIM
(drops ball, rubs his
stomach)
Yeah, we'll stop messing around and
focus more on the customers.
MR. NELSON
What customers? In case you hadn't
noticed this place is emptier than a
North Korean voting booth. We're
going to have to pull off a miracle
at that trade show this weekend, or
I'm gonna have to shut the doors to
this place.
STUART
I think it's time you told him, Jim.
JIM
What?
STUART
Jim's got an awesome prototype for a
new fitness craze that costs like
nothing to make.
JIM
No, it's nothing, really...
Stuart steps over to a table of weight equipment.
MR. NELSON
Are you holding out on me, Jim?
Stuart walks back carrying a canvas disk about two foot in
diameter, hands it to Jim.
MR. NELSON
Well come on, boy, let's see it.
JIM
Alright, well, you know how they say
human beings started out as fish, we
weren't really meant to walk upright,
which is why all these machines do
nothing but mess with people's backs.
In fact, that's the number one reason
people give when returning equipment
to this store.
STUART
I thought they returned it because
they never end up using it...
JIM
Exactly! And all those rowing
machines and treadmills take up so
much space and they're so expensive.
MR. NELSON
Yeah, so, that's how we make our
dough.
JIM
Not anymore. Gentleman, I present...
(snaps the canvas
disk dramatically,
it expands to become
a six-foot long tunnel)
The Tunnel Toner!
MR. NELSON
What's it do?
JIM
Ah, it's not what it does, but what
you do.
STUART
I think we need a demonstration.
JIM
Oh, fine.
Jim bends down and crawls into the tunnel. GRUNTING as he
struggles to get through it.
STUART
Looks like a good workout.
JIM
Oh yeah, and once you're in the thing,
you can do all kinds of workouts.
There's pushups.
Jim's body goes up and down inside the tunnel. MORE GRUNTING.
Stuart and Mr. Nelson exchange grossed out looks.
The tunnel rises up as Jim does a sit-up.
JIM
There's crunches....
(rolls in the tunnel)
And your standard roll, great for
the gluts and abs.
(rolls into a table)
Ow!
Jim tries to scoot out but once he gets his feet out, he
can't move any farther.
JIM
Ah! Stuck! Get me outta this thing,
will ya?
Mr. Nelson holds the tunnel while Stuart yanks Jim out by
his feet.
JIM
(hair, mussed out of
breath)
Thanks.
Mr. Nelson and Stuart help Jim to his feet.
JIM
So, whattya think?
MR. NELSON
I think no one in their right mind
would buy one a those things and you
better bone up on the treadmill and
stairmaster because those are our
real moneymakers. Oh, yeah and it
wouldn't hurt to lose a little weight.
JIM
But--
MR. NELSON
And I want you on that trade show
floor tomorrow bright and early no
later than seven, alright?
JIM
Yeah, about that Mr. Nelson...
Mr. Nelson gives him a grumpy stare.
JIM
Uh, nevermind.
INT. TRISH'S KITCHEN - EVENING
Trish stands by Bubbles' food bowl holding a bag of food.
Bubbles sits nearby, tail wagging.
TRISH
So he needs to be fed at seven a.m.
and then again at six p.m. and don't
forget his 2 o'clock treat and four
o'clock walkies.
JIM
Babe, he's a dog, can't I just leave
a bowl of food and water out for him
and check him in the evening?
Bubbles whines.
TRISH
He's not just a dog. He's a living
being with a complex set of needs
and desires. Besides, if I leave a
bowl of food out for him he eats it
all in one sitting and barfs all
over the house.
Bubbles wags his tail.
JIM
Okay, I don't know how I'm going to
explain this to my boss...
TRISH
There you go breaking your commitment
again--
JIM
No, I promised I'd do this and I'm
gonna make it work, it's just--
TRISH
Just what?
Jim pulls Trish towards him and nuzzles her neck.
JIM
I'm gonna need a little downpayment
first, if you know what I mean.
TRISH
Jim, you dog...
(succumbs to his kisses)
Oh, yeah--
She turns and they kiss. Bubbles humps Jim's leg.
JIM
(shaking him off)
Now why is it every time I start
loving on you this dumb dog wants to
get it on with my leg?
TRISH
Dogs are naturally curious about sex
because it's an instinctive behavior
that we deprive them of.
JIM
Translation he's a horny little
bugger. Now where were we?
(pulls her close)
Trish's CELL PHONE RINGS. She picks it up while Jim continues
to kiss her neck.
TRISH
Hello? Oh hi Ryan.
(steps away from Jim)
Yeah, six is fine.
Jim crosses his arms and looks pissed while Trish takes a
few more steps away from him.
TRISH
Yeah, you take the Watt Avenue offramp--
Bubbles scratches and bites himself on the bottom. She bends
down to pet him, Bubbles continues to scratch and gnaw at
himself.
TRISH
No, then you turn left...Just a
minute.
(to Jim)
Can you put his flea medicine on
him, it's in the bathroom?
Trish picks Bubbles up and thrusts him at Jim.
Jim walks towards
BATHROOM
Holding Bubbles.
JIM
Sure, talk to Ryan while I put flea
medicine on the dog's butt.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Still holding Bubbles, Jim looks around the bathroom for the
flea medicine.
JIM
(opening cabinets)
Flea medicine, flea medicine.
(calls out bathroom
door)
Any idea where this flea medicine
might be?
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
TRISH
(covers phone with
hand, yells)
On the shelf above the toilet, it's
in a tube!
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
JIM
Tube...tube...
Jim looks at the shelf above the toilet. A tube of flea
medicine rests next to a vial with a type-written label "CANI-
MED." Jim is about to grab the flea medicine when curiosity
gets the better of him and he grabs the vial.
He takes it down and examines the green goo inside, sniffs
it and holds it up to the light.
As he peers at the bottom of the vial, Bubbles, who has been
in the bathroom the whole time, barks suddenly, startling
Jim who spills half the vial on his face.
JIM
Shit!
Jim wipes the substance from his face, grimacing as she spits
the foul substance from his mouth.
He hears TRISH'S LAUGH from the other room and quickly puts
the vial back and grabs the flea medicine and squirts some
on Bubbles.
Jim suddenly scratches himself behind the ear. He shrugs
and dabs a little flea medicine behind his own ears.
KITCHEN
Jim walks in and sees Trish with the phone to her ear,
giggling.
Jim cocks his head and narrows his eyes as from across the
room, the TINNY SOUND OF RYAN'S VOICE enters his ear.
RYAN (O.S.)
Yeah, thanks so much for helping me
Trish, you know I was thinking maybe
after we get done planning the
presentation tonight we could go to
this little Ethiopian place I know
about for dinner...
TRISH
Well--
Jim stomps over to Trish.
JIM
(in a barking voice)
What's that douche-bag talking about!
Dinner?
(starts jumping toward
phone)
Only dinner he's gonna have to worry
about is the chicken liver I make
out of his face when I'm done with
him!
TRISH
Jim! What's gotten into you? Get
down!
(into phone)
Sorry, Ryan, this isn't a good time,
I'll call you back later. Yeah,
bye.
(hangs up to Jim)
What was that all about?
JIM
I could hear what he was saying,
taking you to dinner...I don't trust
that guy.
TRISH
Relax, he's only coming over to study.
And the chili on the stove is for
you. God, do you have to be such a
jealous ogre? It's kind of a turn-
off.
JIM
(steps closer)
I'm sorry, baby. But when I think
of some other guy trying to get to
you, I don't know, I just turn into
an animal.
(pushes her hair off
her neck, starts to
gently kiss her)
TRISH
(giggling)
Yeah, well, you know me, I love
animals.
Jim makes a humping motion on Trish's leg. Trish backs away
quickly.
TRISH
What was that?
JIM
What? Nothing.
TRISH
Oh, you were not just humping my leg
just now...
JIM
No, it's a little dance move.
Jim moves his pelvis in and out, starts to pump faster,
realizes he can't control then covers his groin area with
his hands.
JIM
You know what, baby, I'm feeling a
little funny. I think I'll just go
back to my place and lie down.
TRISH
Oh, are you sure?
(turns to stove, stirs
a pot)
This chili is almost done.
JIM
(sniffs air)
Well, maybe I could stay for some
chili...
Jim licks spoon in Trish's hand, keeps licking until Trish
yanks it away.
TRISH
(drops spoon in sink)
Ewww, I think I'll get a new one.
As she turns to get a new spoon, Jim bends down in sink and
continues licking spoon.
Trish turns back around, sees him and giggles.
TRISH
Here, let me get you a bowl.
Trish dishes out some chili into the bowl.
Jim takes it out of her hands.
TRISH
Careful it's.....
(Jim sets it on the
counter and begins
lapping out of bowl)
Hot.
(her smile disappears)
JIM
(lifts his face,
covered in chili)
Yeah, you got a bowl of water or
something?
TRISH
(grabs a towel, wipes
his face)
You know, maybe you should go home,
are you sure you feel okay?
JIM
Oh, I feel fine now. Hey you wanna
go for a walk?
TRISH
I can't, I've got to get ready for
this presentation...
JIM
(running, jumping
around in circles)
No, let's go for a walk, come on!
TRISH
Well, Bubbles didn't get to go out
much today.
JIM
Yeah, get the leash, get the leash!
TRISH
(gets leash from a
hook on the wall)
Why don't you take Bubbles for a
walk so I can get some work done?
JIM
Okay!
(grabs leash with his
mouth)
TRISH
I don't know what's gotten into you,
but I kind of like it.
JIM
(drops leash to talk)
You do?
TRISH
(picks up leash)
I mean, do you realize you just had
this dirty old leash in your mouth?
JIM
(spits a little)
I did, huh...
TRISH
Yeah, maybe you're finally letting
go of the whole germ thing.
JIM
I am!
Jim licks her face, picks leash up off the floor with his
mouth and exits kitchen.
Bubbles trails after wagging his tail.
TRISH
(calls after him)
Hey, Jim, don't forget to put the
leash on the dog!
EXT. STREET - EARLY EVENING
Jim runs down the street, leash still in his mouth as Bubbles
trails after him, panting.
As he passes an Old Woman, Jim pauses and sniffs her, she
hits him with her purse.
EXT. ANOTHER STREET - LATER
Bubbles tips over a garbage can. As Jim runs up to him,
Bubbles wags his tail and barks towards the strewn refuse.
JIM
(wrinkles nose)
Oooh, garbage, now what did you have
to do that for?
Bubbles barks again, wags his tail.
JIM
(sniffs)
You know, it doesn't smell half
bad...is there a salami sandwich in
there?
Bubbles digs into garbage.
JIM
Oh, what the hell.
Jim dives into the garbage pile face first.
A HOMELESS MAN, pushes a shopping cart past and stops to do
a double take.
EXT. ANOTHER STREET - LATER
Jim and Bubbles dig together in a flower bed.
EXT. ANOTHER STREET - LATER
Jim runs away then stops suddenly. A fire hydrant!
Jim and Bubbles both run toward the hydrant, but Bubbles
stops short and cocks his head.
Bubbles watches as Jim unzips his pants, hikes his leg.
BUBBLES
Don't do it!
Jim turns around, sees Bubbles.
JIM
(drops leash from
mouth to talk)
Did you just talk to me?
BUBBLES
Yeah, there's a cop coming down the
street, don't do your business there.
Jim glances down the street, sees COP approaching, puts his
leg down, zips up his pants.
As Cop passes, Jim leans awkwardly against the hydrant.
Cop stops and gives Jim the stinkeye.
Jim checks to make sure he has zipped up his pants.
COP
(nods towards Bubbles)
Zat your dog?
JIM
Yes, I mean, no, I'm just taking him
for a walk.
COP
Where's his leash?
JIM
Oh, sorry, I guess I must have dropped
it.
(bends over, picks it
up in his mouth)
COP
What are you, some kind of joker?
JIM
(leash still in mouth)
No, I'm not a joker.
BUBBLES
He wants you to put the leash on my
collar! Hurry!
With the leash still in his mouth, Jim bends down and tries
to put the leash on Bubble's collar with his mouth.
Cop's eyes widen in astonishment.
BUBBLES
With your hands, dummy.
JIM
Oh.
Jim drops the leash from his mouth and begins fumbling with
his hands.
He stands up holding the end of the leash in his mouth, the
other end secured to Bubble's collar.
COP
Oh, you are just begging for a
citation right now.
(takes ticket book
from his back pocket)
BUBBLES
Hold my leash with your hand!
Jim, keeping the leash in his mouth, puts his hand on it.
BUBBLES
And take it out of your mouth!
Jim drops the leash from his mouth, smiles at cop.
COP
(a call comes over
his walkie talkie,
he snaps ticket book
shut)
Wise guy. You're not worth the time
it would take to write up this little
fiasco. Don't let me see this little
guy off his leash again, and don't
forget to scoop your poop!
JIM
Okay officer.
Cop saunters off and Jim collapses on the fire hydrant.
JIM
What's happening to me? First I
almost peed on a fire hydrant and
next I'm imagining BeeBee here can
talk.
BUBBLES
It's Bubbles and I can talk buddy.
JIM
Oh, no, don't you start that shit
again. Man, I need a drink.
EXT. BAR - EVENING
Jim ties Bubbles up by a lightpost in front of the bar.
BUBBLES
Are you just going to leave me here?
JIM
Are you going to keep talking?
BUBBLES
Yes.
JIM
Then yes, I'm just definitely going
to leave you there.
INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS
Jim enters the bar, sits on a stool. Nods at bartender.
JIM
Give me whatever's on draft.
Bartender places the beer in front of Jim. Jim tries
awkwardly to pick up glass and sip it. Finally, he puts
glass down and laps it out of the top.
He looks over at a bowl of beernuts. He looks around, buries
his whole face in the bowl and eats the peanuts.
Stuart sits down behind Jim.
STUART
Hey, buddy. What's up?
JIM
(turns around guiltily)
Oh, hey.
STUART
So you took my advice and decided
not to be the jealous ogre tonight.
JIM
Huh?
STUART
You know, leaving old Ryan and your
girlfriend together, that takes a
lot of balls.
JIM
Oh yeah, I forgot.
(gets up to leave)
STUART
No, take it from me. You don't want
to go barging in there.
JIM
I don't?
STUART
No, you peek in the windows first
and if they're getting it on, then
you go in and destroy him. If they're
just working, you just stroll in,
act all cool, you know, like it ain't
no thing, girls love that stuff.
JIM
They do?
STUART
Yeah, cause it means you're secure
enough in your masculinity not to be
threatened by another male.
JIM
Huh?
STUART
It means you're the alpha dog and
you know it.
JIM
Oh, yeah, ha.
STUART
And one more thing, before you go
back over there, you might want to
shave. You've got hell of five
o'clock shadow going right now.
JIM
I do?
Jim looks in bar mirror. Sees a scruffy growth of beard all
over his face. He rubs it in astonishment.
He looks at his hands, they are also generously hairy.
JIM
I gotta go--
STUART
Yeah, you don't look so good. You
sure you're gonna make it tomorrow?
JIM
I might be a little late, gotta feed
the girlfriend's dog. But you'll
cover for me, right?
STUART
(takes a slug off his
beer)
Sure, anything for my best buddy.
JIM
Thanks. You're the best, Stuart.
Jim hurries out of the bar. Stuart eyes Jim with a smile
then drinks Jim's beer.
EXT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER
Jim rushes to the lightpost, sees Bubbles' leash, but Bubbles
is not in it.
JIM
Oh no...
BUBBLES (O.S.)
You're looking for me?
Jim whirls around and sees Bubbles standing behind him.
JIM
Oh, thank God. Look, I'm sorry I
tied you up, but let's just head
home.
BUBBLES
Home? We're just getting started.
Do you know how long it's been since
I've been allowed to dig up a flower
bed or paw through a garbage can?
JIM
No.
BUBBLES
Never. As in I've never been allowed
to do those things. So, I've got
big plans, first we're going to chase
a mailman, next we're going to the
big pet food warehouse and gorge on
the treat bins, next...
JIM
No, I've got to get you home, Trish
is probably worried about you and
(looks at his hairy
hands)
I've got my own problems.
BUBBLES
No. I am not going back to
that...that monster. Do you know
she sometimes puts skirts on me?
I'm a male dog. It's humiliating.
JIM
Well, you do kind of look like a
bitch...
BUBBLES
Fine, I was going to share my ball
with you, but you can forget about
it now.
JIM
Wait, you've got a ball?
Bubbles steps aside and reveals an old tennis ball.
BUBBLES
Feast your eyes.
JIM
Where'd you get that?
BUBBLES
It doesn't matter, because you can't
have it!
Bubbles picks the ball up in his mouth, starts to run. Jim
runs after him.
JIM
No, give that ball back! That's my
ball, give it back!
Jim chases Bubbles down the street.
EXT. ANOTHER STREET - EVENING
A MAILMAN locks up the post-office for the night. He sees
Jim and Bubbles running straight towards him and takes off
running.
INT. WAREHOUSE PET FOOD STORE - LATER
Jim buries his face in the treat bin as Bubbles jumps to
reach it.
Jim looks up and sees WAREHOUSE WORKER with his arms crossed,
looking displeased.
PET STORE TOY SECTION
Bubbles and Jim take turns putting their mouths on the chew
toys.
BUBBLES
(leaps towards a toy)
This is great!
JIM
(bites a toy)
Yeah, I'm having the time of my life
and I don't even know where these
things have been...
BUBBLES
(freezes and looks
down the aisle)
Whoa, mama!
JIM
What, is it that store clerk again,
cause I can just bite him in the
leg.
BUBBLES
No, man, I think I'm in love.
Jim stops gnawing on the chew toy and looks down the aisle
where TIFFANY, a huge bulldog in a pink tutu stands with her
tongue hanging out.
JIM
You're in love with that?
BUBBLES
Yeah, ain't she gorgeous?
JIM
Are you sure it's a she, I mean, you
said yourself that Trish puts you in
a dress.
BUBBLES
Of course I'm sure it's a she. What
part of feminine mystique do you not
see?
Jim watches as Tiffany licks her own nose.
JIM
Uh, all of it.
BUBBLES
Hey--
JIM
Well, if you think she's so hot, why
don't you just go over and talk to
her?
BUBBLES
Who me? I always get so tongue-tied
around the ladies.
JIM
Really, tongue-tied, you? C'mon,
just go over and say hi.
(pushes Bubble's hind
end toward Tiffany)
BUBBLES
No, hey, what are you--
(to Tiffany)
Uh, hello.
TIFFANY
(husky voice)
Hello, big boy.
BUBBLES
Um, I'm not really that big, only
seven pounds 10 ounces, to be honest.
TIFFANY
Well, you know what they say, good
things come in small packages.
Bubbles swallows.
JIM
Oh, she digs you, man.
BUBBLES
(whispers)
I'm gonna go for it.
JIM
Yeah, you should definitely go for
it....
Bubbles heads nose-first towards Tiffany's butt.
JIM
What are you...right here in the
store? No, don't--
BOY tugs Tiffany's away from Bubble's nose.
BOY
C'mon Tiffany, it's time to go.
Boy's Mom walks up.
MOM
Stop, let the dog smell Tiffany's
bottom, honey.
BOY
But it's so gross.
JIM
Yeah, it is gross.
MOM
But, animal researchers say that's
just how dogs communicate.
JIM
Animal researcher, oh my God, I
completely forgot.
(picks up Bubbles)
BUBBLES
Hey, what are you doing? Put me
down!
JIM
Sorry, buddy, but I think someone's
sniffing my girl's butt right now.
EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - LATER
Jim runs up to Trish's house, Bubble's leash in his mouth,
Bubbles straggling behind.
JIM
Hurry up, come on!
BUBBLES
Oh sure, when it's your love life,
all of a sudden we're in a big hurry.
If we had just stayed two minutes
more in that pet store I might have
had the love of my life.
JIM
If you'd had the love of your life
in that pet store, you'd both be
neutered by morning.
BUBBLES
Why I oughta--
JIM
Ssssh!
Jim picks Bubbles up and bends down below Trish's window.
He sees Trish and Ryan seated at her livingroom table which
is strewn with printouts, notes and a large pizza box. They
both peer at Trish's laptop. Trish's eyes are focused on
the screen, but Ryan's gaze is fixed on Trish.
Jim growls.
INT. TRISH'S LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
RYAN
You know, it's just amazing that you
came up with all of this stuff
yourself.
Trish looks at him and smiles.
TRISH
Well, I'm not a genius, there was
already a lot of research out there--
RYAN
(puts his hand on her
shoulder)
Stop selling yourself short.
EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Jim growls louder.
INT. TRISH'S LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
TRISH
(putting her hand on
top of Ryan's)
Thanks for believing in me.
EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Jim's growl turns into a full-on bark.
INT. TRISH'S LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
TRISH
(pulls away from Ryan)
Was that a dog?
(gets up)
Jim and Bubbles should be back by
now.
Trish walks over to her front door and opens it.
JIM, sweaty, dirty, disheveled, heavy beard shadow, eyebrows
shaggier, about a foot shorter then his previous height,
stands there barking.
Jim pushes past Trish and walks over to Ryan and barks inches
from his face.
RYAN
(getting up)
Step off, bro.
Jim continues to bark at him, gets down on the floor and
bites Ryan's pant leg.
RYAN
(kicks at Jim)
Dude, what are you doing?
TRISH
Jim, what's the matter with you?
At the sound of Trish's voice, Jim stands up.
TRISH
Where's Bubbles?
JIM
I don't know...Is that pizza?
Walks over to pizza and starts sniffing it.
RYAN
(Gathers up his books)
I'm gonna head out. Trish, your
boyfriend has some serious problems.
JIM
(stands up)
That's right, I am her boyfriend
and don't you BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK!
Trish walks Ryan to the
DOOR
As she opens it, Bubbles, panting, dirty, disheveled, comes
limping toward the door.
TRISH
(picks up Bubbles)
And what happened to you?
RYAN
See you tomorrow, sevenish?
TRISH
The earlier the better, traffic will
be hell. And sorry about Jim.
RYAN
No worries. He should get back on
his meds, though.
TRISH
If only he was on some in the first
place....
Ryan exits as Trish shuts the door.
She turns back around and sees Jim face first in the pizza
box.
TRISH
Where in the world have you been and
why is Bubbles such a mess?
Jim ignores her, continues eating. Trish sets Bubbles down,
walks over and stares at him.
TRISH
Have you actually been
(touches sweat on his
back)
Running? Are you shorter?
Jim stands up, licks his lips, then walks past Trish toward
the sofa. He steps up onto the sofa, walks around in two
circles on top of it, then flops down and falls asleep.
Bubbles jumps up onto the end of the couch, also circles
twice, then curls up by Jim's feet.
Trish smiles in spite of herself, walks over, pulls a blanket
over Jim and kisses him on the forehead.
TRISH
(pets Bubbles)
I guess you two will be okay after
all...
Trish switches off the light and exits.
ON JIM
As the moonlight shines on his face, Jim's five o'clock shadow
sprouts and grows into a thick fur. His facial shape changes
and his nose becomes a snout. Beneath the blanket his body
shrinks and his legs and arms become equal in size.
INT. LIVINGROOM - MORNING
Bubbles still lays in the same spot on the couch. Jim's
khakis and shoes stick out from under the blanket, but his
head is completely covered.
BATHROOM
Trish finishes primping in front of the mirror.
Her purse is on the counter. She takes a plastic bag out of
it and reaches for the Cani-Med. She frowns as she notices
the lid is loose and the outside of the vial is sticky.
She shrugs, then tightens the lid, wipes off the vial, puts
the vial in her purse.
LIVINGROOM
As Trish walks in, Bubbles jumps off the couch and greets
her with a tail wag.
TRISH
(pets Bubbles)
Hello, Precious.
(towards the couch)
Good morning sleepy head.
Over to the couch where Jim SNORES under the blankets. She
touches the blanket and the SNORE is interrupted by a GROWL.
TRISH
(backing off)
Okay, be that way, listen, Jim, don't
forget to do everything I left on
the list, including that bath for
Bubbles, and I really do appreciate
it.
She leans forward to kiss him, makes a face.
TRISH
Uh, you could stand a bath yourself.
Trish proceeds to the door and exits with A FIRM SHUTTING OF
THE DOOR.
SNORING STOPS
Jim, now fully transformed into a dog snaps his head up, out
of the blankets.
JIM (V.O.)
What, huh?
From under the blankets, Jim tries to scratch himself with
his paw. His eyes widen.
JIM (V.O.)
Very funny, Bubbles, you should not
be putting your paw there.
Jim goes back to scratching himself, realizes the dog paw he
feels isn't Bubbles. He withdraws his paw out from the
blanket and holds it up in the air. He screams.
He jumps off the couch, trailing khakis and polo shirt behind
him.
He runs to the
BATHROOM
He can't reach the mirror.
JIM (V.O.)
I can't see, I can't see. Why is
everything so tall? Trish????!!!
A TRUNK SLAMS
JIM (V.O.)
No, Trish!
Jim runs back to the
LIVINGROOM
He jumps at the front door, claws it with his paws, then
runs to the couch.
Out the front window he can see Trish in the front passenger
seat of a car. Ryan gets in the driver's seat.
JIM (V.O.)
Wait, they're going to San Francisco
....together!!!
BUBBLES
Yep, you know what your problem is,
you never listen.
JIM (V.O.)
(turns to Bubbles)
Shut up, just shut up.
As he thinks the words, Jim simultaneously barks at Bubbles.
The sound of his own barking startles him and he catches a
reflection of himself in the window. He is a black pug.
JIM
Oh my God, is that....is that....me?
BUBBLES
Yeah, not a lot of masculine mystique.
JIM
Oh my God, no, this can't be happening
to me, I mean, men just don't turn
into dogs and if they do, why did I
have to turn into
(looks back into window)
That?!
BUBBLES
Hey, I'll have you know some of my
best friends are pugs.
JIM
And why do you keep talking to me?
Dogs can't talk.
BUBBLES
Yeah, it sounds like barking to
everyone else so you'd better keep
your voice down or the neighbors
will start complaining.
Jim jumps off couch and starts pacing.
JIM
No, this cannot be happening. It
has to be some kind of mental
breakdown or maybe someone slipped
something in my drink. Stuart! I
know he wants all the sales
commissions to himself! Wait a
minute, sales commissions, I'm
supposed to be at the trade show
right now!
Jim goes back to front door, claws at it.
JIM
There's got to be a way out of here.
BUBBLES
No, believe me, I've tried. She
locks me up tight everyday.
JIM
She does?!
BUBBLES
I told you she was a bitch. And not
the dog kind, if you know what I
mean.
Jim circles the living room frantically. Jumps back on couch.
JIM
There's gotta be a window open,
something!
BUBBLES
I told you, we're locked in tight
til she gets back.
JIM
Well, who's gonna feed us?
BUBBLES
That was your job, remember? Til
you decided to see how the better
half lives.
JIM
I didn't decide to do this, it just
happened. And the sooner I can make
it unhappen, the better.
BUBBLES
Oh, yeah, whattya gone do call 1-800-
make me a man?
JIM
That's a great idea! I'll just call
someone.
Jim runs over to his pants on the floor. With his mouth he
drags his cell phone out of his pocket.
BUBBLES
Yo, genius, unless you know someone
that understands dog-speak, you're
barking up the wrong tree...
With his paws, Jim manages to activate the phone.
JIM
Thank God for touch screens!
ON SCREEN
Jim's contacts come up.
Trish's picture is right above Stuart's.
Jim clumsily puts a paw on the phone.
"NOW DIALING STUART"
JIM
Damn, I meant to call Trish--
INT. TRADE SHOW - MORNING
Stuart sits at a table, exercise equipment behind him. BUYERS
are already perusing the merchandise.
As his cellphone rings, Stuart takes it out of his pocket,
peeks at the readout and rolls his eyes.
STUART
Jim? Where are you? It's seven
thirty--
JIM
Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark!
STUART
(pulls the phone away
from his ear)
Very funny. Listen, you'd better
hurry up and finish with your
girlfriend's dog or Nelson's gonna
can your ass.
JIM
Bark, bark bark.
STUART
And get that stupid dog off the phone.
INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
JIM
Dog? That's what I've been trying
to tell you, I'm not a dog, it's me,
Jim!
INT. TRADE SHOW - CONTINUOUS
Stuart sees Nelson walking up and puts his phone away quickly.
NELSON
Was that Jim?
STUART
What? No.
NELSON
Well, where is he?
STUART
Hell if I know.
NELSON
Well, get out on that floor and start
selling. His loss is your gain.
STUART
(scooting out from
table)
Yes sir!
INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
JIM
I've got to get out of this apartment
or I'm going to lose my job! There's
got to be a way out of here...
Jim runs out of livingroom into
KITCHEN
He climbs up into a chair and paws at the window.
Bubbles walks in.
BUBBLES
Welcome to my world, kid.
JIM
She does this to you every single
day?
BUBBLES
Yup. You get used to it.
JIM
Yeah, but all day stuck in this
apartment? Don't you get bored?
BUBBLES
Oh, sure. But that's what bones are
for.
JIM
(paws again at window)
You expect me to spend the next 48
hours gnawing on a bone? You're
crazy!
BUBBLES
Well, suit yourself.
Bubbles walks off.
Jim gets off the chair and walks over to the back door. He
jumps up at it.
JIM
Locked. Even if it wasn't, I still
can't reach the doorknob. Unless...
Jim walks back over to the chair, grabs hold of the leg and
tries to drag it over to the door. He manages to move the
chair about two inches when Bubbles walks back in with his
bone. Bubbles drops the bone on the floor and lays down to
gnaw on it.
JIM
You want to give me a hand here?
BUBBLES
Trust me, the bone tastes better and
at least I won't get lead poisoning.
JIM
I'm not chewing on the chair, I'm
trying to move it over to the door.
BUBBLES
(between bites of
bone)
And why the hell would you want to
do that?
JIM
To get out of this freaking apartment,
that's why!
BUBBLES
What's in it for me?
JIM
Excuse me?
BUBBLES
You heard me. You know, one thing I
notice about you is it's always about
you. You want a drink at a bar, so
sure, tie me up. You want to leave
Pet Palace, can't even let me get a
number from the love of my life.
JIM
Number? Dogs are calling each other
now?
BUBBLES
Number of barks. That way if I hear
three woofs and two barks some night
in the backyard I'll know it's her.
JIM
Listen, Einstein, if I can get that
door open, I'll be doing both of us
a favor. I can get my life back and
maybe you can track down your porky
princess.
BUBBLES
She's not porky!
JIM
Okay, take it easy, just get over
here and get the other leg, wouldya.
Jim and Bubbles each pull on a leg of the chair. It doesn't
move.
JIM
No, pull in the same direction as
me!
BUBBLES
Okay, okay, I got you.
With herculean grunts and groans they pull the chair another
three inches, then both collapse on their backs, panting.
JIM
I've got to start getting shape.
BUBBLES
I've got to go take a nap.
Bubbles saunters off and flops down next to his bone.
JIM
Wait, no, what are you doing? We
just started!
BUBBLES
Hey, that is like my exercise quota
for the day, man. Another perk to
being a dog is you don't have to do
nothing.
JIM
(walks over to Bubbles)
Come on, what about what's her name?
How will you ever see her again if
we don't get that door open?
BUBBLES
That's why we're pushing the chair?
JIM
Yeah.
BUBBLES
How is pushing the chair over by the
door going to open the door? Is the
chair magic?
JIM
No, but I'll climb up on the chair
and open the door.
BUBBLES
How, with your hands? In case you
ain't noticed, it's kind of hard to
twist a doorknob with your paws.
But maybe later I can show you
something really cool you can do
with your tongue...
Jim cocks his head pondering this for a moment.
JIM
...Nevermind. Look, maybe you can't
open a door with your paws, but since
up until last night I was walking
around on two legs, maybe my chances
are a little better.
BUBBLES
(goes back to his
bone)
Hey, knock yourself out, buddy.
EXT. BAY BRIDGE - MID MORNING
Ryan's car flies along the highway.
RYAN
Gosh, it's so pretty here. I'd love
to live here some day, be away from
all the smog in the valley.
TRISH
Yeah, me too.
RYAN
Hey, you want me to put the top down?
That way we can get the full effect.
TRISH
(reaches for purse)
Actually, could you hold on a minute,
I want to give Jim a call.
RYAN
You think he's up?
TRISH
He better'd be. Bubbles has to be
fed every morning at seven.
RYAN
Yeah, but he was pretty wasted last
night.
TRISH
Do you think that's what it was?
RYAN
Trish, the guy was trying to bite my
leg.
TRISH
Yeah, but he didn't smell like
alcohol, more like...garbage.
RYAN
(pushing hood control
button)
Relax, I'm sure he and Bubbles are
just sleeping it off together.
Trish puts purse back down as wind tosses her hair.
INT. KITCHEN - LATER
Jim lays on floor panting. Chair is closer to the door, but
still a few feet away.
Bubbles lays gnawing on his bone.
JIM
I need some water.
BUBBLES
I need some food, you were supposed
to feed me two hours ago.
JIM
Yeah, but you ate the rest of the
pizza.
BUBBLES
(emits a farting nose)
Yeah and it was delicious.
Jim gets up and lopes toward the sink. He half-heartedly
paws on the sink cabinet.
JIM
Great, I can't even get a drink of
water in this place.
BUBBLES
Yeah, and don't even think about
drinking out of my water bowl.
JIM
Like I'd drink out of a bowl on the
ground.
BUBBLES
That's good, cause after I finished
the pizza I got really thirsty.
JIM
What? Are you saying we have no
water for the rest of this weekend?
BUBBLES
Oh, we've got water, alright. The
best kind.
JIM
Oh, good. Where is it?
BUBBLES
Follow me!
Jim follows Bubbles out of the kitchen.
INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Bubbles puts his paws onto the rim of the toilet bowl.
BUBBLES
See? All the sweet delicious water
you'd want to drink!
JIM
Oh no, you're not getting me to drink
out of that thing. Don't you know
what people do in that thing?
BUBBLES
Yeah, it's twice as nice if you can
get some of that sweet stuff!
JIM
Ach! I knew there was a reason I
can't stand dogs.
Jim starts to exit, Bubbles blocks his way.
BUBBLES
What do you mean you "can't stand
dogs"?
JIM
Well, they're always slobbering and
they're dirty and--
(notices Bubble's
glare)
Oh, but you're okay, Bubbles, I like
you.
BUBBLES
You'd better, cause I won't share my
food with no dog hater.
Bubbles walks back to
KITCHEN
Jim follows him in.
JIM
No offense, man, but there's no way
I'm going to spend all weekend eating
your food.
BUBBLES
Why not? It's delicious, nutritious
and Trish keeps all the people food
locked away.
JIM
(looks up)
That bitch!
BUBBLES
Now you're following me.
JIM
No, I don't blame her for locking up
the people food, but look where she
left the dog food.
Jim nods up at the bag of food on the kitchen island sitting
next to Trish's detailed note.
INT. TRADE SHOW - DAY
Stuart takes an enormous bite out of a hot dog, dripping
with fixings.
A FEMALE CUSTOMER, 30s, taps him on the shoulder.
CUSTOMER
Excuse me, could you tell me a little
bit about this machine over here?
She stands next to a a standard chest bench press machine.
Embarrassed, Stuart swallows quickly and wipes the mustard
off his chin.
STUART
(still chewing, puts
hot dog down)
Sorry...what did you want to know?
CUSTOMER
Well, what's it do?
STUART
Well, you lay down on it like this
(lays down)
And you push the weights up like so.
Stuart demonstrates, lifting a massive amount of weight, his
muscles bulging, smiles as he shows off a little.
CUSTOMER
What part of the body does that work?
STUART
The chest mostly. Well, I mean you
can lose the weights and do crunches
on it for your abs or some people
even flip over and do one of these
kind of things.
(flips over and makes
a swimming motion
with his feet and
arms)
CUSTOMER
How much does it cost?
STUART
This? Well, this would only set you
back about...
(runs his hand through
his hair)
Five hundred and fifty dollars...
Customer frowns.
STUART
But today we could knock 20 percent
off and give it to you for say, four
fifty?
CUSTOMER
(gives him a dirty
look)
No thanks...
Stuart spies the Tunnel Toner under the booth table.
STUART
Or would you be interested in a Tunnel
Toner for say, fifty bucks?
CUSTOMER
Tunnel Toner, what is that?
STUART
I just happen to have one right over
here....
Stuart grabs the Tunnel Toner from under the table.
CUSTOMER
What are you supposed to do with it?
STUART
What can't you do with it?
Stuart expands the tunnel, crawls into it.
Customer watches, a little freaked out.
Stuart contorts himself inside the tunnel.
STUART
Push-ups, sit-ups, I can even do
jumping jacks in here.
Customer shakes her head and walks away.
STUART
What do you think?.....A little help
here.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Jim paces as Bubbles gnaws on his bone.
JIM
This is just terrific. I'm stuck in
this puny little body while my girl
cruises around in a sports car that
I couldn't afford even if I did still
have a job!
BUBBLES
Calm down. At least you got to be
human for a few years. You'll get
used to being a dog.
JIM
But that's just it. I'm not a dog.
How did this happen to me?
BUBBLES
Just retrace your steps.
JIM
Retrace my steps?
BUBBLES
Yeah, what were you doing right before
you turned into a dog?
JIM
Well, it didn't happen all at once.
I just started feeling kind of funny.
BUBBLES
Funny?
JIM
Yeah, like I wanted to bury my face
in Trish's chili even though she
always puts too much curry in it.
BUBBLES
Ok and?
JIM
And what?
BUBBLES
What did you do right before you
buried your face in the chili?
JIM
Wait a minute...you!
BUBBLES
Don't blame this on me.
JIM
No, I was putting that nasty flea
stuff on you! But right before that
I spilled Trish's nasty science
experiment all over me. Why in the
world would she make a medicine that
turns people into dogs?
BUBBLES
Hey, I resent that remark. I'll
have you know some of my best friends
are dogs.
EXT. BIOMED CORP. HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Establishing shot of fancy bio-tech building with the Biomed
logo out front.
Ryan's car pulls up in the parking lot.
INT. RYAN'S CAR
TRISH
Are you sure they're expecting us?
RYAN
Of course, hey, you're not getting
nervous are you.
TRISH
Who me? Never. Do you really think
they'll go for it?
RYAN
Absolutely. How could they resist
with such a beautiful pitchwoman?
TRISH
Flattery will get you everywhere.
(reaches into her
purse, takes out her
cellphone)
I just want to check on Bubbles.
RYAN
We don't have time, the last thing
we want to be is late.
Trish puts the phone away, looks worried as Ryan gets out of
the car.
RYAN
(opens the passenger
door for Trish)
I know you're worried about your
dog, but it's not going to help you
ace this presentation, so just relax,
what could be wrong?
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Jim is on Bubble's back, reared up on his hind legs, he
stretches toward the bag of food on the table. His foot
pokes Bubbles in the mouth.
JIM
A little to the left, no the left!
BUBBLES
Hey, get your foot out of my mouth
and I don't know left, only sit,
stay and heel.
JIM
Okay, I've almost got it.
ORANGE, a large orange cat lands on the table, surprising
Jim who screams and falls on top of Bubbles in a heap.
JIM
Shit, was what that?
BUBBLES
Orange.
JIM
No, I know it's orange, but what is
it?
ORANGE
I'm a cat, you idiot.
JIM
Hey, who are you calling idiot?
BUBBLES
Orange can you do us a favor and
push that bag off the table, we're
starving.
ORANGE
(licks his paw)
Nah.
JIM
Why not?
ORANGE
I don't know, I just don't feel like
it.
JIM
And to think I actually used to like
cats.
ORANGE
Oh, without your admiration my species
will never be the same.
BUBBLES
Come on, Orange, just one little
push with your paw...
ORANGE
Why should I?
BUBBLES
Because if you don't I'm going to
bark, bark, bark!!!
JIM
No need to get all testy here. Okay
Orange, name your price.
ORANGE
No more eating my food or my kitty
litter.
JIM
Ewww, you eat her kitty litter? To
think I had my foot in your mouth...
(rubs his foot on the
floor)
BUBBLES
It's a deal.
Orange pushes the bag of food off the table. It falls and
kibbles fall all over the floor. Bubbles start to gobble.
Jim pushes the kibbles around with his paw.
BUBBLES
What are you waiting for, dig in!
JIM
What do they put in this stuff?
BUBBLES
(smacking between
bites)
It's dog food, they put stuff dogs
like to eat.
JIM
I don't know....
BUBBLES
Come on, you ate garbage with me
last night, remember?
JIM
Yeah, but that was people food.
BUBBLES
So, this is much cleaner.
JIM
Oh, alright.
(takes a bite)
Hey, this is pretty good...in fact,
it's delicious!!
Jim and Bubbles SNORT, CHEW AND GOBBLE the food as Orange
looks on licking her paws.
ORANGE
You guys are disgusting, you know
that?
INT. BIOTECH CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
A half-dozen well-dressed men and a few women sit around a
conference table. Ryan sits at the end as Trish stands in
front of a screen with a picture of a dog and a smiling
elderly woman bending down with some gardening shears.
TRISH
And that's why Cani-Med might just
finally be the cure for arthritis
we've all been looking for.
(silence)
Are there any questions?
BOB SARGENT, late 60s, Biomed chairman, raises his hand.
MAN
Does it hurt the dog?
TRISH
What, no...well, I mean, the genetic
material is collected with a needle,
but no, no harm comes to the dog...and
let me add that untold benefits could
be given to millions of arthritis
sufferers...
BOB
Oh, thank goodness. Because you
know I couldn't support anything
that hurts a dog. I mean, just look
how cute that little guy is.
TRISH
It's a stock photo. Will you all
excuse me for a moment.
Ryan shoots Trish an irritated look.
RYAN
Well, since that concludes the
scientific presentation I would be
happy to field any questions about
the financial side of this venture...
Trish hurriedly picks up her briefcase and ducks into
INT. OFFICE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Trish gets out her cellphone and dials Jim's number.
INT. TRISH'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Jim and Bubbles lay on the floor GROANING, their tummies
expanded.
Almost all of the kibbles are gone.
JIM
Why did you let me eat so much?
Bubbles paws weakly at a lone leftover kibble.
BUBBLES
Just one more bite...
LIVINGROOM
JIM'S PHONE VIBRATES
BACK TO KITCHEN
JIM
Do you hear that?
BUBBLES
Hear what?
Jim scampers into
BUBBLES
(follows)
Hey, I'm only good at hearing high-
pitched noises...
LIVINGROOM
ON CELL PHONE DISPLAY
Trish's picture "Trish calling"
BACK TO LIVINGROOM
ON JIM'S CELLPHONE
"Swipe to unlock"
JIM
(pawing desperately
at phone)
Can't seem to get it...darn why do
they make these things so hard to
use???
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
BUBBLES
Here, let me try...
(paws at phone)
JIM
No, I almost got it.
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Trish frowns as the phone continues to ring.
INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bubbles scratches frantically at phone.
JIM
Would you knock it off? You're gonna
scratch my phone!
Jim charges at Bubbles who backs up and bares his teeth.
Jim tries to reach phone but Bubbles snaps at him.
JIM
Get out of my way, it's going to go
to voicemail!
Jim lunges at Bubbles and his paw hits the phone, sending it
sliding under the couch.
JIM
Oh no, look what you've done!
BUBBLES
What I've done?
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Trish frowns as she listens to Jim's voicemail message.
JIM (V.O.)
Hello?
TRISH
Hey, it's me, is everything alright?
JIM (V.O.)
Ha, ha, ha, tricked ya! I'm not
really here right now, but go ahead
and leave a message anyway.
TRISH
(muttering)
Stupid. Why do I always fall for
that?
(hangs up)
INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bubbles tries to swipe his paw under the couch.
JIM
It's no use, it stopped ringing.
Now we have no way to call anyone.
BUBBLES
That's okay, howling is a lot more
fun.
LANDLINE RINGS
BUBBLES
What's that?
JIM
The landline! Thank God my baby's
old school!
(runs over to phone
table, starts to
jump as PHONE RINGS
AGAIN)
Shit! Why does everything in this
house have to be about six feet
tall??? Quick, get over here, I
need to jump on your shoulders.
BUBBLES
Why do I always have to be on the
bottom?
JIM
Because you must outweigh me by at
least seven ounces.
PHONE RINGS AGAIN.
JIM
Quick we're wasting time.
TRISH (V.O.)
Hi, it's me, leave a message...
Jim gets on Bubbles' shoulders, rises onto his hind legs,
teetering uncertainly.
JIM
Can you hold still while I get my
bal-
ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS
Bubbles spies an old stuffed toy under the table.
BUBBLES
My teddy bear!
Bubbles rushes towards it. As Jim falls he cuffs a lamp on
the table. The lamp knocks the receiver off its base.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
TRISH
Hello? Jim? Pick up if you're there.
She hears the lamp CRASH on the floor.
INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
The phone and broken lamp lay on the floor.
TRISH (O.S.)
Hello?
Jim rushes over to the phone
JIM
Trish, you gotta help me! I took
some of that stuff you had in the
bathroom and it turned me into a dog
and I can't get to work and your dog
made me eat half a bag of dog food
and I think I'm gonna throw up!
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Trish holds phone away from her ear as JIM'S BARKING ECHOES
LOUDLY FROM THE PHONE.
INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
TRISH (O.S.)
Hello? Jim, where are you? What's
going on?
JIM
I told you, I'm stuck in your
apartment--
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
As JIM'S BARKING CONTINUES Trish hangs up the phone.
INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
As the dial tone sounds, Jim circles around the phone.
JIM
Trish, no, don't hang up!
INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Ryan sticks his head out of the door.
RYAN
Come on, Trish, don't leave me hanging
in here.
TRISH
Something's wrong at home, I need to
get back.
RYAN
Are you kidding? They're talking
dinner and drinks.
TRISH
But I called my apartment and all I
could hear was barking. And it didn't
even sound like Bubbles! Something
strange is definitely going on.
RYAN
Well what about that guy who's
supposed to be watching your place?
TRISH
His phone goes to voicemail. And
he's the only one who has my key. I
put all my faith in him.
RYAN
Yeah, and look where that got you.
TRISH
Look, I know you and him got off on
the wrong foot, but if you give him
another chance, he's really a great
guy.
RYAN
Yeah a guy who says he'll watch your
dog then takes off.
TRISH
Well, I can't leave Bubbles alone
all night, and even if I could there's
still the cat, the goldfish...
RYAN
Jeez, how many pets do you have?
TRISH
Well, it's not like I'm one of those
hoarders, I mean I only have three
pets, well, four if you count the
live guppies I feed to the fighting
fish...
RYAN
Look, if it makes you feel better,
we can drive back, check on your
place, then meet them for drinks
later tonight.
TRISH
I can't ask you to do that Ryan,
that's like four hours of driving...
RYAN
(tosses his keys in
his hand)
Oh, you haven't seen me put the pedal
to the metal yet, Baby.
INT. LIVINGROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Jim paces while Bubbles sits on his haunches.
JIM
Okay, it's not all bad, right. I
mean, she probably hung up because
she's racing back here. She'll take
me to the doctor, or hell, the vet
and we'll get this all straightened
out.
ORANGE
(jumps onto phone
table)
You're really that stupid, aren't
you?
JIM
At least I'm not a cat--
ORANGE
You really think they can understand
you?
(pushes playback button
on answering machine)
TRISH (V.O.)
Hello? Jim, pick up if you're
there...
JIM (V.O.)
BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK!
JIM
(listening to himself
bark)
You mean, when I talk I just sound
like a...like a dog?
BUBBLES
Hey, what's so wrong with that?
JIM
It means I'm trapped.
(stops near a mirror)
I could look like this for the rest
of my life!
BUBBLES
I don't feel so good.
JIM
You don't feel so good? At least
you don't look like your face collided
with a truck...
Bubbles COUGHS.
ORANGE
You are pretty hideous.
Bubbles GAGS.
JIM
I've had just about enough of you--
Bubbles VOMITS all over the carpet.
JIM
Jeez, what are you doing???
Bubbles runs to
ANOTHER CORNER OF LIVINGROOM
Wretches, runs towards
JIM'S CLOTHES
Projectile vomits on Jim's shirt and pants.
JIM
Oh really, dude?
BUBBLES
Sorry, this always happens when I
don't have portion control.
EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON
Ryan's car speeds along highway.
INT. RYAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Ryan is at the wheel, sunglasses on, looking handsome.
Trish steals a glance at him, admiring.
Ryan catches her gaze, smiles.
RYAN
What?
TRISH
It's really nice of you to do this
for me.
RYAN
No problem. I know your dog means a
lot to you.
TRISH
It's just nice to know a man who
puts someone else's needs before his
own.
RYAN
Well, hopefully you can get to know
this man a lot better.
INT. LIVINGROOM - LATER
Bubbles lies on the floor, moaning, rubs his tummy with his
paw.
Jim has one of his socks in his mouth and tries to mop up
the vomit.
JIM
(drops sock from mouth)
Would you stop groaning? I'm the
one who should be moaning. Do you
know how much nastier it is to clean
up vomit with your mouth than with
your hand? And cleaning it up with
your hand is pretty nasty.
ORANGE
If I were you, I'd focus on making
Bubbles feels better. If I know
Trish, she's gonna be way madder
that her doggy is sick than that her
living room smells like sour gravy
train. And you ain't gonna be nowhere
around to explain.
JIM
Oh my God, you're right. This is
going to look like it's all my fault.
ORANGE
It is all your fault.
JIM
What?!
ORANGE
You were the one that done turned
into a dog and went and got me to
tip over that bag of food. You were
also the one who knocked over that
lamp. You better clean that up before
Bubbles cuts his paw.
Bubbles rolls precariously close to broken lamp.
JIM
But I didn't want any of this to
happen. If only I could tell her
somehow that the medicine is to
blame...
BUBBLES
(weakly)
When I want to send her a message
sometimes I pee on the carpet.
JIM
Wait, that's it!
ORANGE
You gonna pee on the carpet?
JIM
No, toilet paper. Maybe if I spell
out a message for her, she'll
understand what's going on. Come
on!
ORANGE
Are you talking to me?
JIM
It'll go faster if there's two of
us.
ORANGE
Ok, but I get to claw the leftovers
into little tiny pieces.
EXT. TRISH'S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING
Ryan's car pulls up. Ryan and Trish get out.
Ryan heads towards Trish's door.
TRISH
Aren't you going to open the trunk?
I need to get my bag out.
RYAN
Why? I'm sure everything's fine,
we'll be back on the road in no time.
Trish gives him a look as Ryan motions for her to go ahead
of him.
INT. LIVINGROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Trish opens the door, steps inside, sniffs the air.
TRISH
What's that smell?
Ryan enters.
RYAN
I don't know, but I don't think I'll
ever eat beef jerky again.
Trish flips on the light, gasps.
The floor is covered in toilet paper crudely arranged to
form the words "Meds R bad, I am a dog," the message is sloppy
and barely discernible amid the piles of thinly shredded
toilet paper.
Trish steps over the toilet paper, oblivious to its message,
feels something squishy under her foot.
TRISH
Ooooh!
(reaches down, makes
a face as she feels
vomit on her hands)
Bubbles must have gotten into his
food! Bubbles, where are you baby?
RYAN
Watch out!
(pulls her back)
Broken glass.
TRISH
Oh my God, I can't believe this.
What happened here?
(walks further into
living room)
Jim, Jim? Are you here?
Bubbles limps out from a corner.
TRISH
Oh, my sweet baby!
(picks up Bubbles)
What did he do to you? Are you
alright?
(rubs his stomach)
Does your tum-tum hurt?
Jim runs out, barking.
TRISH
Who's this?
RYAN
(tries to pet Jim)
Hey, buddy.
Jim growls and snaps, Ryan withdraws his hand.
TRISH
Well he's cute, whoever he is, but
what on earth is he doing in my house?
Jim barks and walks over to the toilet paper, points at it
with his paw.
TRISH
Yeah, you like to get in the toilet
paper, puppy, I bet Orange helped
you. Orange where are you?
Orange comes out of nowhere and rubs against Trish's legs.
Still holding Bubbles she bends down to pet Orange.
Jim jumps up and down by each word in the toilet paper
message.
JIM (V.O.)
Can't you see my message? Your
medicine is no good!
TRISH
Calm down little guy.
She bends down to pet Jim, who licks her hand.
JIM (V.O.)
Hey, I don't like that little guy
business but I'll take what I can
get...
TRISH
I think I know what this is all about.
RYAN
You do?
TRISH
Yeah, Jim didn't want to stay here
with Bubbles so he got this little
guy to keep him company. In his
totally undogcentric mind he must
have thought they would keep each
other company...
JIM (V.O.)
What's "undogcentric" mean? Whatever
it means I resent it.
TRISH
Can you drive me to the convention
center?
RYAN
We've got to get back to Biomed.
TRISH
(hands Bubbles to
Ryan)
It won't take long. I've just got
to go tell Jim we're through
(picks up Jim)
And give him back his dog.
Trish and Ryan, carrying the dogs, walk toward the door.
JIM (V.O.)
No wait, we're not through! Don't
give me back my dog! I don't want
me!
TRISH
Oh hush up.
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT OF TRADE SHOW - EVENING
INT. TRADE SHOW - EVENING
A smattering of customers linger to peruse merchandise as
Salesmen pack up their wares.
Stuart throws the medicine ball in the air and catches it
idly.
The Tunnel Toner is still set up nearby.
Mr. Nelson walks up and Stuart guiltily hides the ball behind
his back.
NELSON
Sell anything?
STUART
Not in the last four hours.
NELSON
(kicks at the Tunnel
Toner)
Not even this thing?
STUART
Nah--
NELSON
We might as well pack it in.
STUART
What about tomorrow?
NELSON
Tomorrow you can help me pack up the
store--we're out of business.
Trish and Ryan walk in carrying the two dogs.
TRISH
(marches toward Stuart)
I need to talk to Jim.
STUART
Great, let me know when you find
him.
TRISH
He's not here?
NELSON
Your boyfriend's been AWOL all day
so if you see him, you can tell him
he's fired. And he can come take
his stupid invention with him.
Nelson kicks at the Tunnel Toner once more.
Jim hops out of Trish's arms and nips Nelson's leg.
Nelson kicks at Jim who runs into the Tunnel Toner.
Nelson runs to the other end of the Tunnel Toner and tries
to grab Jim who slips through his fingers and darts back
into the tunnel.
NELSON
Damn you, rascal, get back here!
Jim barks, wags his tail as he does another lap through the
tunnel.
Several Customers stop, smile and point as Nelson tries vainly
to catch Jim. HUSBAND and WIFE join the growing crowd.
WIFE
Look, isn't that cute?
HUSBAND
Sparky'd have a ball with that thing.
WIFE
(approaches Stuart)
How much are you selling those for?
STUART
Fifty dollars?
(grabs carrying bag)
It comes with this nice bag--
WIFE
Uh--
HUSBAND
(draws cash out of
wallet)
We'll give you thirty-five for it.
STUART
You've got a deal!
Nelson gets hold of Jim. As Jim struggles to get away,
Bubbles jumps out of Ryan's arms and nips Nelson on the hand.
Both dogs take off into the Tunnel.
Crowd laughs. Other Customers draw cash out of their wallets
and shove it at Stuart.
Nelson notices Customers and stops chasing the dogs.
NELSON
(to Stuart)
What are you standing there for, get
these people their doggy tunnels.
STUART
We only had one.
NELSON
(to crowd)
Right this way, folks, you can put
your deposit down and we'll get your
tunnel to you in five business days
or less.
Jim stops running, cocks his head and barks.
NELSON
Will someone get this damn dog out
of here?
TRISH
(picks up Bubbles)
He's Jim's dog. When he comes to
pick him up, tell him we're finished.
Trish and Ryan walk away. Jim follows, whining.
Stuart picks him up.
STUART
Where are you going little guy?
You've got some tunnels to help sell--
EXT. TRADE SHOW - MOMENTS LATER
Trish, still holding Bubbles, stomps towards Ryan's car.
RYAN
I'm proud of what you did back there.
TRISH
Well, he left me no choice.
RYAN
(opens door for Trish)
You deserve much better.
INT. TRADE SHOW - MOMENTS LATER
The last of the Customers wander away.
NELSON
See you later, folks.
(walks over to Stuart)
How soon can you get me more of those
things?
STUART
I don't know, this whole thing was
Jim's baby.
NELSON
We need to find out who his supplier
was as soon as possible.
STUART
Good luck, he already knows he's
fired.
NELSON
Well, tell him he's un-fired until
we fulfill those orders.
Jim barks.
JIM (V.O.)
Over my dead body, that was my
invention and I'm going to get the
profit!
STUART
Hey little buddy, take it easy!
Jim bites Stuart's hand. Stuart drops him.
NELSON
After him!
STUART
Relax, I'll go by the pound and get
a nicer dog...maybe a Rottweiler.
EXT. TRADE SHOW - CONTINUOUS
Jim sees Ryan shutting the door for Trish, going around to
the driver's side.
JIM
No, don't go with him!
Jim scampers after the car. Ryan starts the car and puts it
into drive.
As the car pulls away from the curb, Jim jumps on the fender
and clings for dear life.
As Ryan darts into traffic, Jim is nearly thrown, but manages
to grab onto the canvas of the convertible top.
Bubbles, still in Trish's arms, sees him and wriggles free
from her grasp.
Trish turns and sees Bubbles dive to the back seat and place
his paw on top of Jim's.
TRISH
Bubbles! Ryan, stop!
Ryan slams on the brakes.
BEHIND THE CAR
Jim falls to the street.
Trish gets out of the car and runs to Jim.
TRISH
He followed us!
(bends down and
inspects Jim's body
for injury)
JIM (V.O.)
Oh yeah, that feels good, keep doing
that...
TRISH
He doesn't seem to have any broken
bones.
(picks him up)
JIM
Come to Daddy.
TRISH
Sorry I left you little guy. It's
not your fault your owner is an
asshole.
RYAN
Trish, we can't keep him. We have a
dinner to attend, besides just think
of how much trouble they caused last
time they were alone together.
JIM (V.O.)
You ain't seen nothing yet.
TRISH
Wait, I have an idea.
Trish carries Jim to the front seat and gets in with him.
RYAN
What is it?
TRISH
I need you to stop by Pet Barn.
Hurry, I think they close soon.
INT. PET BARN - LATER
Ryan has Bubbles on a brand new leash. Trish holds Jim while
she looks at the merchandise.
RYAN
What do you think of this one?
TRISH
Perfect.
RYAN
Do you want me to get one for that
little rascal?
(nods towards Jim)
TRISH
No, I don't think a leash will do
the trick. Ah! Here's what I was
looking for!
Trish takes down a small crate.
JIM (V.O.)
What, you're going to put me in a
cage like I'm some kind of animal???
No, no...anything but that!
TRISH
(pushes Jim towards
the open crate door)
In you go--
Jim bears down on his hind legs.
TRISH
(nudging Jim)
Come on, it's for your own good, you
little troublemaker...
RYAN
Oh for God's sakes--
Ryan takes Jim by the scruff of his neck and roughly shoves
him inside the crate, closes the wire door.
Trish stares at Ryan, not liking what she has just seen.
RYAN
What, some times dogs just need a
firm hand, Trish.
Jim barks furiously from the crate.
JIM (V.O.)
I'll give you a firm hand, buddy,
right in your khaki-wearing a--
Jim cannot finish his profanity, because he is suddenly jerked
up by Trish, who stomps toward the cashier.
RYAN
Oh, come on, don't be mad.
With Bubbles, still on the lead, Ryan follows Trish to the
CASH REGISTER
TRISHA
I'm not mad, Ryan, it's just I believe
that all animals are living beings
with a complex set of needs and
desires. And, as such I demand that
everyone around me treats animals
with the respect and care they
deserve.
JIM (V.O.)
Damn right I got needs and desires.
RYAN
Right, complex needs and desires.
CASHIER
That'll be 55.87.
As Trish gets out her credit card for the Cashier, Ryan
fumbles for his own wallet.
RYAN
Oh, no, this is on me.
Trish puts her wallet away with a hint of an approving smile.
JIM (V.O.)
Oh yeah, that always gets 'em, the
old pull out the wallet routine.
EXT. ROAD - EVENING
Ryan's car peels down the highway, this time with the top
up.
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
POV Jim
Through the bars of his crate, Jim can see the backs of Ryan
and Trish's heads as they sit in the front seat.
Bubbles face fills his view.
BUBBLES
You Okay in there?
JIM
I'm trapped in a cage and my
girlfriend's sitting next to some
preppy bozo, that sound okay to you?
BUBBLES
Okay, take it easy. One time they
put me in one of those things, but I
only had to be in it a few hours
then I woke up and I was already
back at home.
JIM
Wait, they sedate you in this thing?
BUBBLES
No, it was the doctor who sedated
me, right before he--
JIM
No, don't say another word. I don't
want to hear about how you got your
balls chopped off.
BUBBLES
What balls? I only got my toenails
clipped...
JIM
Really? Have you checked between
your legs lately.
BUBBLES
Hey, what are you trying to say?
JIM
Nothing, look, can you move out of
the way, I'm trying to see what's
going on in the front seat.
BUBBLES
Okay.
Bubbles moves away from the cage and Jim has a full view of
Ryan reaching for Trish's hand.
JIM
(gasping)
No, no, no! Don't let him hold your
hand, Trish. It's too soon!
Ryan grasps Trish's hand for a few seconds, then she withdraws
as she twists around toward the
BACKSEAT
TRISH
What's going on back there? Why are
you making so much noise, puppy?
JIM (V.O.)
I'm sorry I let you down, Trish,
just give me some more time--
TRISH
Aw, he's whining. He probably needs
to pee.
RYAN
Jeez, we'll be there in like an
hour...Relax.
Ryan takes Trish's hand again and squeezes it, this time she
does not pull away.
Jim whines. No response from the front seat.
Jim BARKS.
Ryan flashes a dirty look towards the back seat and turns up
the RADIO.
BUBBLES
(appears near cage
door again)
Uh-oh, looks like you're being
ignored.
JIM
Can't you do something?
BUBBLES
Like what?
JIM
Go up there and bite him or something.
BUBBLES
Uh-uh, I know better than to bite
the hand that's holding the hand
that feeds me.
JIM
Well, at least go up there and
distract them. I can't sit here and
watch this.
BUBBLES
Okay, buddy, you don't have to watch!
Bubbles nudges the crate until it falls between the seats.
JIM
(simultaneous)
Wait, what are you doing? No!
Jim peeks out his bars, where he has an almost perfect view
of Ryan's hand around Trish's gently stroking her thumb.
JIM
No! Okay, Ryan, I didn't want to
have to do this, but you just made
me fight dirty.
INT. CRATE - CONTINUOUS
Jim squeezes his eyes shut and grunts.
JIM
Oh, baby, there goes a good one,
yeah!
INT. CAR FRONT SEAT - CONTINUOUS
TRISH
(wrinkles her nose)
Eeeww, what's that smell?
(turns to back seat)
Oh, no doggy, please tell me you did
not--
Ryan slams on the brakes.
RYAN
Oh, please tell me that mutt did not
shit in my car!
EXT. ROAD - MOMENTS LATER
Trish's hand reaches out of the car door, deposits the crate
by the side of the road. The car roars off.
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
Trish sits with Jim on her lap.
RYAN
(mutters to himself)
If you ask me, we should have left
that mutt in the crate.
TRISH
What did you say?
RYAN
I said, I hope the little mutt wasn't
too uncomfortable in that crate?
TRISH
Well, he seems a lot happier now.
Trish strokes Jim's head. Ryan narrows his eyes at Jim, as
Jim wags his tail smugly.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Ryan opens the door to the room and pulls both suitcases in.
Trish follows behind him, carrying Jim on her arm and leading
Bubbles with the leash.
RYAN
(turns light on)
We finally made it. Should I order
up some room service?
TRISH
I thought we were supposed to meet
the Biomed team for dinner.
RYAN
Oh, didn't I tell you? They phoned
and asked for a breakfast meeting.
Seems these scientific types like to
hit the sack early...can't say as I
blame them. I'm beat, myself.
Ryan parks the suitcases in the corner and jumps onto the
king-sized bed.
RYAN
Do you want the right side or the
left?
TRISH
Excuse me?
RYAN
Well, in the car, I thought we were
kind of, you know...
TRISH
Look, just cause I hold your hand
doesn't mean I'm ready to share no
king-sized bed with you.
Jim barks enthusiastically.
RYAN
(jumps up from bed)
Trish, I'm sorry, I didn't mean--
TRISH
(takes his hand)
Not that I don't like you, but all
of this is moving so fast...And who's
going to keep an eye on little Poopsie
tonight?
(hands Jim to Ryan)
JIM (V.O.)
You did not just call me Poopsie!
RYAN
Poopsie?
TRISH
Cause of his little accident in the
car. I think it fits, don't you?
Jim growls.
TRISH
Anyway, if you get a room next door,
we'll keep these two separated while
we get some shut-eye and they'll
each have a place to chill while we
meet with Biomed tomorrow.
RYAN
But--
TRISH
Thanks, you're the best.
Trish kisses Ryan on the mouth.
Jim comes between them and barks.
TRISH
Oh, Poopsie, if I didn't know better,
I'd say he was jealous.
RYAN
Yeah, right.
Jim growls. Ryan glares at Jim.
INT. RYAN'S HOTEL ROOM - LATER
Ryan lays in bed, trying to sleep. Jim stands on his chest.
Ryan shoves him off and turns on his side. Jim gets back on
the bed and sits right beside Ryan staring at him.
Ryan turns, opens one eye and sees Jim glaring at him.
Jim lets out a deep growl.
EXT. HOTEL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Ryan, holding the still growling Jim, KNOCKS on Trish's door.
No answer, he KNOCKS again, this time louder.
Trish answers the door, sleepily.
Ryan thrusts Jim at her.
RYAN
You gotta take this dog.
TRISH
What? Why?
RYAN
I can't get any sleep. He just keeps
staring at me and growling.
(Jim growls at Ryan)
Like that.
TRISH
(takes Jim)
Oh, alright.
RYAN
I'll see you in the morning.
Ryan leans in to kiss her, but Jim intervenes, baring his
teeth.
TRISH
See ya.
Ryan exits.
INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Trish goes back into her room and sets Jim down.
Bubbles is on a chair, sound asleep. Spread all over the
bed are books and index cards with notes on them.
TRISH
(flops onto the bed,
cross-legged)
Make yourself comfortable, Poopsie,
it's going to be a long night.
TRISH
(talking to an
imaginary client)
Of course, we've all read the studies
of unsuccessful trials with canine
genes, but this medication is
different because....because...
JIM (V.O.)
I wish there was some way to tell
you, your medication is doomed because
it's going to turn all your patients
into a pack of howling mutts.
Jim whines, jumps up and nuzzles her with his nose.
Trish ignores Jim, reaches for her cellphone on the bedside
table, dials Jim's number.
JIM (V.O.)
Hello?
(pause)
Ha, fooled you! I'm not here right
now--
Trish hangs up, looks wistfully out the window.
Jim nuzzles her again, wags his tail. She smiles slightly
and pets him.
JIM (V.O.)
I'm still here, baby.
TRISH
At least I've still got you, Poopsie.
JIM (V.O.)
Okay, we've got to get rid of that
name.
Jim watches as Trish opens the honor bar fridge aimlessly,
takes out a candy bar and a soda. She slams them down on
the dresser, stares at them for a moment, then puts them
back in the fridge, slamming the door.
She walks over to her suitcase and takes out a scale.
JIM
Who brings a scale to a hotel?
She takes the scale into the
BATHROOM
Steps on the scale, looks down at her weight, then sinks
down onto the toilet seat, face in her hands.
Jim goes to her.
JIM
No, no, what's wrong? Don't tell me
you're crying. Don't you know how
beautiful you are?...I know how I
can cheer you up.
Jim barks to get her attention. Stands up on his hind legs
and dances in a circle.
JIM
Yeah, you like me now?
Trish looks up and laughs.
TRISH
Aw, you're dancing.
Jim pumps his hips.
TRISH
(laughing)
Oh my God! I've got to get this--
Trish goes back into
LIVING ROOM
Gets her cellphone, She comes back to
BATHROOM
Starts to film Jim as he dances around on his hind legs.
She presses a button on her cellphone and MUSIC BLARES.
Jim shimmies and shakes to the music, then walks on his hind
legs over to Trish, puts his front paws on her leg.
JIM
Aw, I'm getting tired, your turn!
TRISH
Oh, you wanna dance with me?
Trish takes one of his paws with her free hand and dances
around with Jim.
Bubbles comes into
BATHROOM DOORWAY
BUBBLES
Unbelievable. You think you're the
only one who can dance around on
your hind legs. Watch this.
Bubbles grunts and lifts his front paws for a few split
seconds. He gives it another try, then sinks back down on
all fours.
BUBBLES
Oh, forget it.
JIM
Yeah, I'm with you brother, this two
legged thing is for the birds.
Jim goes back down on all fours.
Trish gets caught up in the music and continues dancing,
swaying her hips to the beat.
She looks in the mirror and checks herself out, running her
hand seductively over her chest.
BUBBLES
Uh-oh, this is turning into another
one of her "me parties"...
Trish sets the cellphone down on the counter, grabs a brush
and sings along with the lyrics into the mirror.
JIM
Yeah, well, this is one party I'm
glad I'm invited to.
BUBBLES
Yech--she can keep this up for hours.
JIM
Wait, I have an idea...
Jim runs out of the bathroom, comes back with a pillow in
his mouth.
Jim sits by the pillow, wags his tail, whining.
TRISH
(sets the brush down
and looks at him)
Are you trying to tell me something
puppy?
Jim BARKS and nods toward her pillow.
TRISH
(pets Jim's head,
yawns)
You're right, I probably should get
to bed.
Jim leads Trish back to the
BEDROOM
Trish clears her books and notes off the bed.
Trish pulls back the covers and starts to get in the bed,
Jim hops up by her pillow.
TRISH
Oh, you want to get in bed too, huh?
Alright, come here, you.
Trish scoops him up and snuggles into the covers with him.
JIM (V.O.)
I could get used to this. It almost
makes being a dog not that bad.
Bubbles comes to the foot of the bed, pokes his head up and
sees Trish and Jim snuggling.
BUBBLES
Unbelievable! You're getting bed
privileges on the first night!
JIM
(licks Trish who smiles
sleepily)
Some of us are just special.
Bubbles sighs and retreats back to his chair.
INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - MORNING
Trish sleeps, the sunlight illuminates her face, highlighting
both her beauty and almost childlike innocence.
Jim stands nearby, watching her.
JIM (V.O.)
I never should have taken you for
granted. If I ever get out of this
mess, I promise I'm going to listen
to you and not only am I going to
move in with you, I'm going to make
it legal as in put a ring on it,
forever, baby. You are so special.
Jim leans down and licks her slowly on her cheek.
Trish awakens with a sleepy giggle, then sits up suddenly.
TRISH
Oh my God! What time is it?
(grabs her cellphone,
checks the time)
Oh shit, I'm gonna be late.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
Trish, dressed only in a sports bra and panties, jumps out
of bed, knocking Jim to the floor, as she fumbles with her
pants on the way to the door.
She opens the door, Ryan stands there, dressed but disheveled.
TRISH
I thought you were going to wake me
up!
RYAN
I know, I overslept--are you ready?
TRISH
(slipping into her
shoes)
No, I haven't even fed the dogs--
RYAN
We'll only be a couple of hours.
TRISH
But what about their water?
RYAN
They're dogs, they can drink out of
the toilet.
JIM (V.O.)
I'd like to see you take a drink out
of a toilet sometime.
TRISH
Okay, I guess...wait, weren't we
going to put Poopsie in your room?
RYAN
This is a hotel room. There's nothing
these two can do in here that hasn't
been done before. Come on, Trish,
we're late.
TRISH
Okay, let me get my purse...
RYAN
And don't you think you should put a
shirt on...
TRISH
Oh, right.
Trish rushes back into the room, picks up a shirt from the
floor, hurriedly slips it on, leaves her purse on the floor.
Jim whines and paces as she makes her way back to the door.
TRISH
(pats his head)
Be good Poopsie.
JIM
I wish you knew what a big mistake
you're making, Trish.
RYAN
Come on, we've got to go!
Ryan ushers Trish out with a slam of the door.
Bubbles walks up to Jim.
BUBBLES
Okay, so how are we going to get out
of here, this time, genius?
JIM
(lays down, head
between paws)
I give up. I guess we're just all
doomed.
BUBBLES
Hey, cheer up. You're the one that
taught me where there's a will there's
a way.
JIM
Forget it. I'm just going to have
to get used to the idea that I'm
going to be the dog for the rest of
my life. Wait a minute, the rest of
my life...that could be like what,
six or seven more years, tops!
Jim rolls over and sighs.
BUBBLES
Would you snap out of it? Hey, I
know what you need...snacks!
Bubbles runs towards Trish's purse and seizes the handle
with his teeth. The contents fall out as he shakes it
vigorously in his mouth.
JIM
(sitting up)
Hey, that's her purse! What do you
think you're doing?
BUBBLES
(nosing through purse)
Lipstick, nah, gum, nah, birth control
pills, those give me gas...a-ha,
score! Bottom of the purse peanuts!
JIM
Would you quit that? She probably
needs that stuff.
INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT - MORNING
Bob Sargent sits at a table surrounded by Asian businessmen.
Ryan and Trish hurry up.
Bob stands up as he sees them approach.
RYAN
(Extends his hand to
Bob)
Sorry, we're late.
PROCTOR
Oh, you two are just in time. I
took the liberty of inviting some of
our investors.
(motions to the men
seated at the table)
Ryan and Trish smile and nod at the investors then sit down
at the table.
BOB
Now, on the phone, you had mentioned
that you would be able to bring a
sample of this Cani-Med.
RYAN
Yes, Trish, you brought the sample,
right?
TRISH
Sample, you didn't say anything about
a sample.
RYAN
I thought you said it was in your
purse.
TRISH
Oh my Gosh, I left in a such a hurry
I forgot my purse! Our hotel's right
around the corner. I can get it and
come right back.
BOB
Well, our investors have a flight to
catch...
RYAN
I'll go, you wait here.
TRISH
I can't let you do that--
RYAN
I can run faster than you.
TRISH
Oh, alright.
Ryan is about to dart off, Trish grabs his arm.
TRISH
Thank you.
RYAN
(kisses her)
You can thank me later.
INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Bubbles chews on Trish's lipstick, leaving his lips stained
red.
JIM
Come on, knock it off, Bubbles, do
know what you look like right now?
BUBBLES
She calls this stuff cherry desire
but it sure don't taste like cherries--
Bubbles paws around some more in the purse contents. He
uncovers a plastic bag with the Cani-Med inside.
JIM
Come on, you're getting lipstick all
over her stuff. Wait, what's this.
With his teeth, Jim gingerly withdraws the bag.
JIM
This is the stuff that did this to
me. Maybe if I can bring this to
her, they'll all put two and two
together and realize this shit turned
me into a dog. If only there was a
way out of here.
BUBBLES
Maybe you could open the door with
your hand.
JIM
Yeah, right. You know my paws don't
work any better than yours do.
BUBBLES
Okay, but that sure look like a human
foot to me.
Bubbles nods towards Jim's leg. Jim SHRIEKS. There is are
toes on the bottom of one of his legs. His leg is also
starting to lengthen and lose its fur.
JIM
Yikes, what's happening to me?
BUBBLES
It's what you wanted, you're getting
your old body back.
JIM
Yeah, but, I think Trish liked me
better--whoa.
Jim loses his balance as his four legs become two legs and
two arms. He brushes the loose hair off his naked body and
notices that his flab has been replaced by muscles.
JIM
Damn, when'd I get these abs?
BUBBLES
High protein diet, lots of exercise,
that's why we dogs rock it with the
ladies...
Jim continues admiring his own body.
The door beeps, opens, Ryan stands in the doorway.
Ryan stares at him incredulously.
Jim picks up Bubbles and uses the dog to shield his private
parts.
INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER
Trish drinks coffee nervously as the Asian businessmen check
their watches and murmur to each other.
One of them leans over to Bob and says something.
BOB
(to Trish)
I'm sorry, they say they really can't
stay any longer, their plane leaves
in under an hour--
TRISH
I could mail them a sample...
BOB
I wish it was as easy as that. You
see, they want to make sure you're
legitimate. I know it sounds crazy
but in there country they get a lot
of fly-by-night researchers who ask
for a lot of money when the actual
medication turns out to be a lot of
herbs that are available at your
typical Asian drugstore.
TRISH
Please, just five more minutes.
BOB
Alright, I'll order a round of bloody
Marys--that should keep them for a
little while longer.
INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
RYAN
What the hell--
JIM
(stands still holding
Bubbles to his groin)
I might ask you the same question, I
thought you were just Trish's business
partner, perhaps you might explain
to me why you two were practically
sharing the same hotel room.
RYAN
I don't have to explain anything to
you.
(looks down at Trish's
purse)
My God, were you going through her
purse?
JIM
It was the dog, I was trying to stop
him.
BUBBLES
Sure, blame it all on me. And do
you mind putting me down, this is
very uncomfortable--
RYAN
(spies medication)
A-ha, well, I'm just going to have
to deal with your mental illness
later, if you'll excuse me.
Ryan bends down to pick up the medication. Jim kicks him in
the chin.
Ryan falls backward, feels his chin, gets angry.
RYAN
Oh, it's on now...
Ryan gets up and puts up his dukes. Jim circles around him,
fists in the air.
JIM
Oh, you want a piece of this let's
do it.
RYAN
(drops arms)
Look, do you have some boxers you
could put on because this is making
me a little uncomfortable.
Jim coldcocks him in the face. Ryan falls backward
unconscious.
INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER
Asian businessmen look dubious as a waitress sets bloody
Marys before them.
One BUSINESSMAN takes a drink, smiles and gives the thumbs
up to his buddies who all take sips.
Trish smiles, raises her glass at the businessmen and takes
a large chug of her drink.
INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Jim snatches up the medication and starts to leave.
He pauses at the door, remembering his naked state, then
casts an eye back towards Ryan.
Suddenly Ryan's cell phone, sticking out of his shirt pocket,
chirps with a text alert.
Jim steps closer to Ryan and eyes the text message.
ON TEXT MESSAGE
"Hurry, investors are about to leave!!!!"
BACK TO HOTEL ROOM
Jim gingerly lifts the cell phone out of Ryan's pocket and
texts back.
ON RYAN'S PHONE!
"It's Jim. Where are you?"
"Jim??? What are you doing there?"
"Nevermind, if you want your medication you have to tell me
where you are"
"The Lemongrass House...hurry! I will and I love you."
BACK TO HOTEL ROOM
Jim mutters to himself, picks up Bubbles and puts him back
in front of his genitals.
BUBBLES
This again?
JIM
Trish needs us, Bubbles.
BUBBLES
Okay, but when this is over, you
gotta get me into the bath.
JIM
Deal.
Jim runs out of room with Bubbles.
INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER
Trish stares at her cellphone
ON TRISH'S CELLPHONE
"I love you."
BACK TO RESTAURANT
Trish continues to stare at her phone, then is startled by
the sound of glasses slamming on the table as the now tipsy
businessmen start putting on their coats.
TRISH
No, don't go. Wait, watch this.
Trish peels off a string of celery and puts it in her mouth.
She works the string inside her mouth for a few seconds then
takes it out, tied in a perfect knot.
The businessmen nod, impressed and a few of them sit back
down.
EXT. STREET - MORNING
Jim runs down the street carrying the medication in one card
and Bubbles in the other.
Passers-by stop to stare.
INT. DONUT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
A COP, stops eating his donut mid-bite and stares as Jim
runs past the donut shop window.
INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER
Trish sits with a row of knotted celery strings in front of
her.
The businessmen look tired and start to stand up.
BOB
Look, Trish, we really need to let
them go, they're going to miss their
plane--
TRISH
Wait, I can sing.
(sings)
Start spreading the news...
Bob rolls his eyes as the businessmen get interested again.
EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER
Jim sprints down the sidewalk as Cop follows him in a patrol
car.
COP
(through car
loudspeaker)
Sir, I'm going to need you to stop
and put your hands in the air.
JIM
(turns toward cop,
lifts Bubbles into
the air)
You mean like this?
COP
Actually, sir, you can keep the one
hand with the dog down but I'm still
gonna need you to stop.
Jim darts around a corner and Cop turns his siren on.
Jim stops, breathing heavily and stares at medication.
JIM
(to Bubbles)
Darn, I forgot to ask her the address
of the Lemongrass House restaurant.
BUBBLES
I don't need to know where it is. I
just use my nose.
JIM
Your nose?
BUBBLES
Yeah, if you got any dog left in you
at all, all you have to do is lift
your nose to the air and her smell
will lead you right to it.
Jim lift his nose and takes a few sniffs.
JIM
You're right! I can smell her!
Jim takes off running just as the patrol car turns down the
alley.
INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER
TRISH
(still singing)
It's up to you New York, New York!
Restaurant erupts in applause.
BOB
(whispers through
gritted teeth smile)
If you sing one more song, I promise
you won't get a drop of funding from
me!
Businessmen stand up and bow to Trish.
TRISH
(stands up and bows
in return)
Okay, good-bye, nice knowing you,
good-bye.
An excited murmur ripples through the restaurant as Jim runs
in, Bubbles still at his groin, waving the medication bag.
JIM
(hands the bag to
Trish)
Here, I thought you might need this.
TRISH
Jim...where have you been? Where
are your clothes?
JIM
It's a long story. But trust me,
you don't want to put that stuff on
the market yet.
BOB
What's the meaning of this? Trish,
do you know this man.
JIM
Please sir, there's a very good
explanation of why I'm dressed like
this.
Businessmen TITTER.
JIM
You see, for the last 24 hours, I
have been trapped in a dog's body...it
happened after I accidentally dosed
myself with Cani-Med!
Businessmen stop laughing.
TRISH
Why don't you just leave, Jim?
Haven't you ruined my life enough
already?
BOB
I think she's right. And there's
just the man to help us.
Bob nods toward Cop who stands scowling in the lobby.
Jim sighs, hands Bubbles to Trish and walks toward Cop as
businessmen stare.
A BUSINESSMAN notices Bubbles for the first time and huge
smile comes over his face. He walks up and scratches Bubbles
under the chin.
Jim gives one longing look back at Trish and leaves with
Cop.
Bob looks at Trish, starts to say something.
The RESTAURANT MANAGER walks up.
TRISH
I know, no dogs allowed. I was just
leaving.
BUSINESSMAN
(still scratching
Bubbles)
The Albino long-haired chihuahau is
my favorite breed.
(takes the medication
bag)
We'll take this back to our lab and
give you answer by the end of the
month.
TRISH
Oh really? Thank you so much!
INT. TRISH'S HOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON
Ryan is still conked out on the floor. The door BEEPS as
Trish enters with Bubbles. She sets Bubbles down and runs
to Ryan.
TRISH
Oh my Gosh, Ryan, are you okay?
As Ryan slowly comes to, Trish touches the bump on his
forehead.
RYAN
Yeah, ouch, don't touch there.
TRISH
What happened?
RYAN
The last thing I remember, your naked
ex-boyfriend was punching me in the
face.
TRISH
But where's Poopsie?
RYAN
Who?
TRISH
The little black dog...
Trish starts to look around the room.
RYAN
Oh him, I don't know, he was long
gone when I got here. Just Bubbles,
I'm glad you got her back.
TRISH
(does a double take
at Ryan)
Him.
RYAN
Huh?
TRISH
Bubbles is a him.
RYAN
Oh yeah, whatever.
INT. JAIL RECEPTION AREA - AFTERNOON
Stuart sits in an uncomfortable plastic chair. A heavy door
opens and Jim steps out wearing an orange jumpsuit.
Stuart leaps up.
STUART
Hey, buddy, what happened? They
said you were streaking around town
today?
JIM
Oh, it's a long story. Hey, thanks
for bailing me out. I'll pay you
back as soon as I get another job.
STUART
Actually, I feel like I need to pay
you.
JIM
What?
STUART
Yeah, your Tunnel Toners have been
selling like hotcakes over at the
trade show.
JIM
Oh right. Was Nelson actually
pocketing all the dough from that?
STUART
Yeah, I managed to hold back a little
of the proceeds, I mean it was your
idea.
JIM
Damn right it was.
STUART
So, there's just one thing. Boss
wants to know where you had those
things made.
JIM
He does, huh?
STUART
Yeah, we promised all those people
we'd deliver in seven days or their
money back.
JIM
You tell Nelson, I'll let him know,
but he's gonna have to pay...
INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - EVENING, THREE MONTHS LATER
Trish sits on the couch. Her TV is on with low sound. She
stares at a letter.
ON LETTER
"We regret to inform you that we are declining to fund your
research at this time."
BACK TO LIVINGROOM
Trish sets the letter down and picks up a faded flier.
ON FLIER
"LOST DOG" - CELLPHONE PICTURE OF JIM STANDING ON HIS HIND
LEGS "CALL Trish at 555-7730"
BACK TO TRISH'S APARTMENT
Trish lets the flier fall to the floor. Her gaze listlessly
goes toward the TV.
ON SCREEN
INT. A KITCHEN - DAY
A dog bites into a bag of dog food.
JIM (V.O.)
When you're away from home does your
dog do this?
INT. A LIVINGROOM - DAY
A dog bites the stuffing out of a chair.
JIM (V.O.)
Or this?
INT. ANOTHER ROOM - DAY
A pile of dog poop.
JIM (V.O.)
Or even this?
INT. DOGGY DAYCARE RECEPTION AREA - DAY
Jim stands in the reception area looking fit and trim in
khakis and a polo shirt with the Tunnel of Fun logo.
BACK TO TRISH'S LIVINGROOM
Trish picks up the remote and raises the volume.
INT. DOGGY DAYCARE RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS
JIM
When you leave your dog alone all
day he can become lonely, bored and
broken-hearted.
(looks directly into
the camera)
He only wants to be with you.
JIM
Here at my Tunnel of Fun Doggy Daycare
center we let dogs have fun so when
you get home, they only want to
snuggle with you.
INT. ANOTHER DOGGY DAYCARE ROOM - DAY
Dogs paw and bite at "bags" of food.
Jim steps into the picture.
JIM
Here in our "pantry" dogs can gnaw
all they want at bags, boxes and
toilet paper rolls. Everything is
100 percent edible, and 100 percent
barf-proof!
He steps into the
FURNITURE ROOM
Dogs tear the stuffing out of mattresses and chairs while
others gnaw on wooden table legs.
JIM
Here in the furni-chew room, dogs
can take out their aggression on our
mattresses, chairs and tables instead
of yours!
POTTY ROOM
The potty room looks like a standard bathroom with closed-
door stalls.
JIM
Your dog will be able to relieve
himself in privacy and comfort because
isn't that the decent thing to do?...
TUNNEL TONER ROOM
Dogs run through tunnel toners.
JIM
And finally, when he's done, he'll
be able to run to his heart's content
in our tunnel toner exercise room.
Hi, I'm Jim Davis, owner and operator
of Tunnel of Fun Doggy Daycare. You
might ask, what makes me such an
expert on dogs? Well, I've spent so
much time with dogs that sometimes I
feel like I am one.
Jim lifts his hands in a doggy begging pose that dances around
in a circle with his tongue out.
BACK TO TRISH'S APARTMENT
Trish grabs the remote and quickly turns the TV off. She
sits thinking for a moment.
She grabs the phone and starts to dial, then puts the phone
back down.
A KNOCK at the front door.
Trish opens it and Ryan is there, hiding something behind
his back.
RYAN
Oh, good, you're home. I couldn't
tell with all the lights turned off.
Hey, are you still moping around
about the research grant?
TRISH
I'm not moping. I'm just disappointed
that's all.
RYAN
Well, hey, I have a surprise for
you.
TRISH
Really? What is it?
Ryan reveals the small dog carrier he had been hiding behind
his back.
TRISH
What's this?
(peers in carrier)
You didn't....did you find Poopsie?
RYAN
Yeah, he was just wandering in the
street...
Trish takes the dog out of the carrier and holds it up. Her
smile turns to a frown.
TRISH
This isn't Poopsie.
RYAN
Okay, I was going to tell you that,
but this one's even cuter--
TRISH
It's a female and its chocolate brown,
not black.
(puts dog back in
carrier)
RYAN
What are you doing? Don't you want
it?
TRISH
No, it's not Poopsie.
RYAN
But that's impossible, you're a
veterinary researcher, how can you
not love a dog?
TRISH
I don't know, why don't you take
her?
RYAN
Well, I--
TRISH
Admit, you don't even like dogs--
RYAN
No, that's not true...okay, maybe I
am more of a cat person....okay that's
not true, maybe I am more of a statue
of a cat kind of person.
TRISH
(takes pet carrier
back from him)
You know what? I will take this dog
from you because, honestly, I wouldn't
trust you with a pet rock.
Trish pushes him out the door and starts to shut it.
RYAN
Can I call you tomorrow?
TRISH
No!
Trish closes the door on Ryan, leans against the door sighing.
Bubbles comes up and barks at her.
TRISH
What? Don't you start, too.
Bubbles barks again. From within the carrier, the New Puppy
begins to bark.
TRISH
Oh my Gosh, two dogs...
Orange steps out from the shadows.
TRISH
And a cat. What am I going to do?
Bubbles barks.
TRISH
Yeah, I know.
INT. DOGGY DAYCARE RECEPTION AREA - AFTERNOON
A RECEPTIONIST, 20s, female pretty, sits at the counter
wearing a Tunnel of Fun polo shirt.
Trish walks in with Bubbles and the New Puppy on a leash and
looks disappointed upon seeing the comely receptionist.
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
TRISH
I was here about your service.
RECEPTIONIST
Yeah, you look like you could use a
hand with those two.
(grabs a clipboard)
If you could fill this out, I can
get you started...
TRISH
Actually, I was hoping to talk to
the owner.
RECEPTIONIST
He's in the back, is there anything
I can help you with?
TRISH
(looks down)
Uh, no--
Jim appears in the doorway to the back area.
JIM
Trish.
TRISH
(looks up and sees
him, her heart skips
a beat)
Hi Jim.
JIM
Michelle, do you think you could go
check the pantry? I think our guests
have ripped apart almost all the
bags.
MICHELLE
Sure.
Michelle exits through the doorway.
TRISH
You have an employee, I'm impressed.
JIM
Actually, employees. I can't run
this place myself.
(bends down)
Hey, Bubbles, how've you been?
Bubbles breaks free from Trish and runs over to Jim who
scratches him behind his ears.
JIM
Oh yeah, I know you like that.
Trish watches amazed as Jim fusses over the dog.
JIM
(pets New Puppy)
And who's this? You got another
one. She looks like another dog I
used to know.
TRISH
What happened to him, Jim?
JIM
(standing up)
Excuse me?
TRISH
The little pug that you left at my
apartment when you--
JIM
That was me.
TRISH
Stop.
JIM
I know it sounds unbelievable, but
Cani-Med did it to me. Whatever you
put in that little vial, pretty
powerful stuff.
TRISH
I noticed the lid was loose. Did
you actually taste some?
JIM
No, I was just looking at it, I
spilled some, it got in my mouth and
it turned me into a frickin' dog!
TRISH
Oh my Gosh! All I was trying to do
was help rebuild human tissue--
JIM
(makes a muscle)
Well, it sure helped me rebuild mine,
you like? Oh, and all my back
problems? Totally cured.
TRISH
No, Jim, this is awful. I submitted
it to a new drug company. They're
probably running test on it as we
speak--
INT. LAB - DAY
GRUNGY GUY sits on an exam table as a LAB ASSISTANT comes up
to him with a syringe.
LAB ASSISTANT
So you're sure you've read and signed
all the forms and warnings?
NERDY GUY
(rolls up sleeve)
Yeah, now let's get this over with
so I can get my fifty bucks.
Lab Assistant injects Grungy Guy with serum. Grungy Guy
instantly turns into a sheepdog and starts barking at Lab
Assistant's feet.
INT. DOGGY DAY CARE - CONTINUOUS
Jim steps over and puts his hand on her arm.
JIM
Relax, I'm sure everything will turn
out okay. I mean, it wears off,
doesn't it?
Tiffany runs in carrying a bag of food in her mouth.
Jim gets down on all fours and grabs the end of his bag with
his mouth and engages in a tug-of-war with her.
Michelle runs in and tries to call the dog back.
Jim wins the tug-of-war, but falls back on his haunches
laughing.
Trish looks a bit stunned, then erupts in laughter.
JIM
What do you say, baby, can I take
you out to dinner?
Trish crosses to the other side of the counter and pulls Jim
up by the hand.
TRISH
Sure, but I think we're gonna have
to find these two a room.
Trish nods over at Bubbles and Tiffany who are sniffing each
others butts.
JIM
(embraces Trish)
Didn't I tell you, we've got the
honeymoon suites in the back?
FADE TO BLACK
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