CANNIBAL MAN
"Cannibalist: The Beginning"

Production #1CMO01

Written by
Luke Goodwin
Carlton Winston

Created by
Luke Goodwin
Justin Musgrove

Executive Producer
Luke Goodwin

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"Cannibalist: The Beginning"
CAST LIST FOR #1CMO01

	
CANNIBAL MAN	CARLTON WINSTON	
HANUKKAH MAN		
UNCLE EMOO	JUSTIN MUSGROVE	
HOTDOG STAND WOMAN		
POLICE OFFICER	JACOB MUSGROVE	
EMBER RED	KAGOME HIGURASHI	
CHRISTMAS MAN	CARLTON WINSTON	
NAZI MAN	JACOB MUSGROVE	
RADIO ANNOUNCER	LUKE GOODWIN	
E.T.	JUSTIN MUSGROVE	
ASIAN MAN	CARLTON WINSTON	

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CANNIBAL MAN #1CMO01 "CANNIABLIST: THE BEGINNING"
11/25/05

COLD OPEN

EXT. WOODS - DAY

CANNIBAL MAN is sitting down in the middle of the woods roasting a man's body over an open fire and eating the man's head. All of a sudden HANUKKAH MAN jumps in out of nowhere.

CANNIBAL MAN

		What the crap dude! Why are you here? I thought you were at that 				synagogue or some crap?

HANUKKAH MAN

		I was, but that's not what this is about. You can rot in hell you freakin' 			cannibal!

HANUKKAH MAN pulls out a Menorah and pushes a button on it. Water shoots out and puts out the fire.

CANNIBAL MAN

		Oh my god! You freakin' Jew!

HANUKKAH MAN picks up the body and flies away.

CANNIBAL MAN (CONT'D)

		(SAD) Oh man, this sucks. Now I have nothing to eat.

END OF COLD OPEN

ACT ONE

EXT. /ESTAB. UNCLE EMOO'S HOUSE - DAY
INT. UNCLE EMOO'S LIVING ROOM - SAME

CANNIBAL MAN is talking to UNCLE EMOO.

CANNIBAL MAN

		(CRYING) I just don't know what to do. I mean, I live in the woods by 			myself and yet I have no peace.

UNCLE EMOO
		Wait a minute, you dont even have a girlfriend. Man, you're right, your 			life must suck. (HANDS CANNIBAL MAN A BOOK) Here is a guide 			that tells you everything you need to know about getting women.

CANNIBAL MAN exits and walks across the street. He looks sadly at the book given to him by UNCLE EMOO.

SFX: SLAMMING OF BRAKES, CAR HORNS, AND EXPLOSIONS

CANNIBAL MAN looks behind him and sees an unopened sucker on the ground near the wrecked cars.

CANNIBAL MAN

		(GASPS) Who would leave a sucker on the ground?

EXT. /ESTAB. TOWN MALL - LATER THAT DAY
INT. LOBBY - SAME

CANNIBAL MAN is walking through the lobby as people pass him, mocking him while he walks.

CANNIBAL MAN (CONT'D)

		Step One: Find hot woman you would like to talk to, unless you're 				desperate, if so then find any woman with any kind of attractiveness, or 			find a prostitute. Hmm…I don't see any prostitutes. I guess I'll have to find 		a woman of any kind of attractiveness.

He sees a HOTDOG STAND WOMAN and walks over to her.

HOTDOG STAND WOMAN

		(SIGHS) One or two weenies?

CANNIBAL MAN

		One of course! What do you think I am, a freak?

HOTDOG STAND WOMAN

		(SIGHS) Whatever. (PUTS HOTDOG ON A BUN) Here's your weenie.

CANNIBAL MAN

		What are you talking about? I already have one and I hate hotdogs! I don't 			eat pork, I'm a freakin' cannibal!

Everyone looks at CANNIBAL MAN. An ASIAN MAN points at him.

ASIAN MAN

		Ahhh!!!! A cannibal! I was gone five minutes. Everybody run!

The people run around in fear and two cops enter. They both shoot CANNIBAL MAN with a Tranquilizer Gun.

EXT. /ESTAB. TOWN PRISON - NIGHT
INT. CELL HALLWAY - SAME

CANNIBAL MAN is wearing an orange suit waiting in line to make a phone call.

POLICE OFFICER

		Okay. You get one phone call.

CANNIBAL MAN gets the phone and dials a number. 

CUT TO:

EXT. /ESTAB. UNCLE EMOO'S HOUSE - NIGHT
INT. UNCLE EMOO'S LIVING ROOM - SAME

UNCLE EMOO is holding a bottle of Vodka in the air.

SFX: NYSNC "BYE, BYE, BYE"

UNCLE EMOO is singing along. The phone is ringing in the b.g.

CUT TO:

CANNIBAL MAN

		(HANGS UP PHONE) No one answered.

POLICE OFFICER

		Well, that's just too bad, isn't it?
The POLICE OFFICER walks him to his cell and closes the door. CANNIBAL MAN sees EMBER RED in his cell.

CANNIBAL MAN

		Hi there. When are you supposed to be gettin' out of here?

EMBER RED

		The officer told me that I would be getting out next Thursday. I can't wait.

CANNIBAL MAN

		(SMILES) I get out next Tuesday. Here's an idea: uh, you, uh, you wanna 			out sometime? Maybe catch a movie or something.

EMBER RED

		(SMILES) It depends on where we're going because I'm a cannibal and--

CANNIBAL MAN

		Un-freakin' believable! I'm a cannibal too. That's why I'm in here.

EMBER RED

		That's excellent. (YAWNS) Well, it's time for me to hit the old dusty trail. 			I've got to get well rested. They're serving Nachos tomorrow.

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

CANNIBAL MAN is getting ready for his date. He is brushing his hair.

CANNIBAL MAN

		I love my brush. I love my brush. It makes me a happy cannibal. I-- Oh 			my god! I don't know her name!

                     You see Cannibal Man getting ready for his date with the hot girl. He is brushing his hair when he just realized that he doesn't even know her name yet.
 
EXT. TOWN PRISON - NIGHT

CANNIBAL MAN is waiting outside the prison in a nice tuxedo. EMBER RED walks out and sees CANNIBAL MAN.

EMBER RED

		I forgot to get your name before you left. My name is Ember Red. What's 			yours?

CANNIBAL MAN

		My name is secretive? Even I don’t know it. Just call me Cannibal Man. I 			have no idea why, but I wear this cape that says my name on it.

CUT TO:

CANNIBAL MAN and EMBER RED are walking on the sidewalk. They see HANUKKAH MAN walking towards them.

HANUKKAH MAN

		Mom? What are you doing with this cannibal? He is my sworn enemy?

CANNIBAL MAN

		Hey, at least I get my presents in one day. You have to wait eight freakin' 			days just to get one. Even then when you get your present, it ends up being 		a freakin' Dreidle. (LAUGHS) Beat that comeback!

EMBER RED

		Sorry, son, but I heard you hurt my man's feelings. Now I'll have to kill 			you.

EMBER RED jumps into the air.

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

CANNIBAL MAN and EMBER RED are sitting at a table with their stomachs sticking out of their shirts. In their plates, bones sit.

EMBER RED

		Wow, I never suspected that to happen.

CANNIBAL MAN

		Wow! That was a great meal. I like Jewish people. I'm going to become 			one and eat myself.

CHRISTMAS MAN enters violently, pulls out a gun, and shoots Christmas ornaments at EMBER RED's head. She falls over and dies.

CANNIBAL MAN

		What the heck man! You killed my girlfriend, you faggot.

CHRISTMAS MAN

		You killed the left out Jew!

CANNIBAL MAN

		I did it beca-- Wait a minute. What?

CHRISTMAS MAN

		The left out Jew. You know. He doesn't celebrate Christmas.

CANNIBAL MAN

		(LAUGHS) That's good. That's goo-- Quit trying to get me involved with 			idle conversation. You will pay for what you've done.

CANNIBAL MAN starts to chase CHRISTMAS MAN through the woods. CANNIBAL MAN jumps in the air and tries to grab CHRISTMAS MAN's legs, but pulls his hands down instead.

SFX: FART

CANNIBAL MAN passes out.  
          
EXT. WOODS - DAY

CANNIBAL MAN wakes up and pats the dirt off of his clothes.

EXT. /ESTAB. UNCLE EMOO'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
INT. UNCLE EMOO'S LIVING ROOM - SAME

CANNIBAL MAN is talking to UNCLE EMOO.

CANNIBAL MAN

		All I remember is seeing a butt, then smelling the most disgusting fart in 			the world.

UNCLE EMOO
		That's it. That's it. I don't want to hear about people farting, it's freakin' 			gross.

SFX: GUN SHOT

CANNIBAL MAN and UNCLE EMOO walk outside. They see NAZI MAN wearing an Egyptian-type hat with a swastika on both sides.

CANNIBAL MAN

		Who the heck are you?

NAZI MAN

		I'm Nazi Man, but I'm busy. So leave me alone.

UNCLE EMOO

		(LEANS ON THE PORCH BANISTER) Those were the days.

CANNIBAL MAN

		(SEES SWASTIKA ON UNCLE EMOO'S SHOULDER) Wow, you were 		a Nazi?

UNCLE EMOO

		(SIGHS) Yeah. Hitler and I used to be good friends. Bring my radio out 			here, boy.

CANNIBAL MAN exits and then enters again with a radio. He turns on the radio.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

		News Flash! The television satellite in space has broken and now TV's can 		only pick-up The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

CANNIBAL MAN

		I better not be hired to fix anything in space again. Like after what 				happened last time.

EXT. UNKNOWN PLANET - SPACE (FLASHBACK)

CANNIBAL MAN is running away from E.T. as they run across the screen.

EXT. UNCLE EMOO'S PORCH - CONTINUOUS (BACK TO PRESENT)

NAZI MAN

		Hey, can I borrow a cup of-- Hey, wait a minute! You have blue eyes. 			(PULLS OUT A KNIFE) You are going to die!

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE END

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