Where The Bad Kids Go by Sean Elwood

Like mother, like son

It’s been sixteen years since Jesse was taken away from his abusive, alcoholic mother after she had tried to kill him. When he hears of the news that she committed suicide, he returns to his childhood house for preparation to sell it, as well as confront his dark past once and for all. He soon discovers that something evil lurks within the depths of the house, and after all these years, it’s been waiting for him to return.

Where the Bad Kids Go begins with the BANG of a crawlspace door and doesn’t let go.

The entire script is packed with foreboding and slowly, over the course of events, fills with dread and tension in a cataclysmic finale.

The story delves into the mind of a man whose past comes back to haunt him, literally, and ends with a powerful finale that will both scare you and make you cry.

With moments of absolute terror, a wide character dynamic, and a haunting message, Where the Bad Kids Go can be the next big movie for this generation. Imagine The Babadook meets Hereditary, both successful horror movies that were also truly terrifying.

Production: This film can be made on a low to medium budget, apart from the big finale. There are three main characters (and eight smaller roles) and is the perfect character piece for up-and-coming actors. Male actor – Jesse at 8, 11 and mid twenties; Male actor – Marco at 11 and mid twenties; Helen – Mother – late 20s to mid forties; Other actors – Police, shitty boyfriend/father, and other minor roles. One primary location – dilapidated house and basement (and crawlspace!), with six locations total.

About the writer: Sean Elwood is well known for his knack of horror and suspense, creating a sense of dread and terror in the genre-specific screenplays he’s written. He has all the internets here: Website; IMDb; Twitter; Instagram; YouTube; SimplyScripts. He has written an anthology of short horror stories, AfterLife AfterDeath: Stories for the Dark, some of which have been turned into screenplays, including The Tooth Fairy and Emerald. Sean has previously been nominated and selected for his feature script I’m Still Here including a full script reading. He is currently working on a new feature, FLYTRAP, about six friends who take a trip to the mountains, only to find that the house they’re staying in is alive, and it needs to feed. Sean currently resides in Colorado with his dog, Henny; cat, Kit Kat; snakes, Lady Mondegreen and Noodle; and tarantulas, Felicia and Pumpkin.

Read Where The Bad Kids Go (98 pages in pdf format)
This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

Script Contests: Horror Film & Screenplay Competition – Official Selection; WILDsound FEEDBACK Film and Screenplay Festival – Official Selection; Shriekfest – Quarter Finalist; Crimson Screen Horror Film Fest – Finalist

Watch and Listen to the first scene.

CHRISTMASVILLE by Steven Clark

Having lost his zest for life after the death of his daughter, a newly unemployed father takes a magical journey to Christmasville, where he receives the greatest gift of all — a second chance.

Christmas-themed movies will always be perennial favourites with audiences. From oft repeated classics such as: It’s A Wonderful Life, (1946) and Miracle On 34^th Street (1947), to more contemporary classics such as: Home Alone (1990), Elf (2003), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989), and Bad Santa (2003).

If there’s one thing the history of the film industry tells us it’s that Christmas themed movies are consistent box office winners, whether they be theatrically released, Indie, or direct to video and television productions. Audiences cannot get enough of what’s now commonly known as the celluloid ‘Countdown to Christmas’ where holiday movies play on solid run from Thanksgiving to New Year. The number of people in the U.S. alone who watched a Hallmark Christmas movie in 2017 was around 65 million, with that number expected to exceed 85 million by New Year, 2018.

What’s the secret to their popularity?

Well, that’s simple. Audiences long for homespun, feel-good movies with their universal themes of love, family, hope, and redemption. Add to that the perfect backdrop of crisp white snow, a little mistletoe, the twinkling of Christmas lights and baubles, and a liberal dose of fairy dust, and you’re onto a sure-fire winner.

Steven Clark’s onto a winner with his rather aptly titled Christmasville which has all these requisite ingredients plus a whole lot more.

We open on family man, Dale. A woodworker by trade, he’s resigned his lot to the ‘shipping and receiving depot’ of a factory in a small town. Dale is getting on with things but he’s also carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, living in the shadow of the tragic death of his young daughter, and more recently the passing of his father. Clearly, Dale is not living his best life. He has an eight year old son, Michael, who worships the ground his dad walks on, and a loving and devoted wife in Tabitha. But still the traumatic events of the past plague him.

As Dale surveys his town he thinks it ain’t all that bad. Sure it’s quaint with its Mom and Pop stores and everybody knowing everybody else’s business, but it sure is pretty this time of year; church steeples rising high into the sky, the shops dressed in their holiday wreaths and colourful lights, and lamp posts strung with pretty garlands.

It’s just over a week before Christmas, the first few flurries of snow are falling and the townsfolk are preparing for the annual Tree lighting.

There’s only one blot on the landscape for Dale and that is the woodworking store (that) stands dark and vacant. A FOR LEASE sign hangs in the fogged out window. This is the store Dale’s father once ran. The store that Dale should now be running.

Oh, and the fact that eight days out from Christmas, Dale is summoned to the boss’s office and unceremoniously given the old heave-ho. Budget’s been cut. Dale was last in, so he’s first out.

A crushing blow, but Dale’s not one to let the grass grow under his feet or let pride get in the way of a providing for his family, so he’s up next day at the crack of dawn to Marone’s Luncheonette. Store-owner Pete is a decent fellow who’ll give anyone a break and before long Dale’s proving his mettle with the popularity of his burgers and BLTs. Until that is – his less than stellar tomato-dicing skills land him in the Emergency Department. What rotten luck. A bunged up hand and a nasty trail of stitches means there’ll be no more working the grill for Dale. Not for a good while anyway.

Still Dale bravely pushes on, now relegated to stoically running errands for Tabitha, at the local Mall.

On the way home with daylight fading fast and the snow now falling hard:

A sharp turn looms ahead,
Dale cuts the wheel,
the brakes lock,
the car slides…

The road twists left
Dale’s car goes straight
It fishtails,
Smashing into a guard rail

Dale tenses, can’t speak
This is it.
No time to react.
No time to—

CRASH!

Dale’s car crashes into a guard rail and down a steep embankment.

He falls into unconsciousness.

Then wakes sometime later – ‘everything out of focus, head bandaged‘ – he locks eyes with a SMALL MAN by the name of Butter Finger, sporting green thermals and a red stocking cap.

From here on in things get even more surreal. It appears Dale has entered an alternate reality of seemingly Rockwell-ian proportions – cobblestone sidewalks, a town square surrounded by an ice skating pond, a world inhabited by Elves and reindeer and pretty soon after Dale finds himself riding shotgun in a sleigh next to a hulking man with a white beard who for all intents and purposes looks like Santa. But is he? This Santa has a Pilates class scheduled at three, a particular penchant for the Elliptical machine and a personal trainer coming in at four-thirty. Huh?

For Dale things are getting weirder by the minute and all he really wants is out of this particular rabbit hole and back home to his loving wife and son.

But, try as he might it seems there’s no means of escape.

Meanwhile back home, with Sheriff Shirley Hastings at the helm, the townsfolk have rallied and a search party is underway. It seems Dale has disappeared off the face of the earth, something he promised his wife he would never do. Tabitha and Michael are beside themselves with worry of his whereabouts.

The writing in Christmasville is what elevates this story from any comparison to a ‘by the numbers cookie-cutter’ holiday tale. With its ensemble cast every role is three dimensional and beautifully drawn. It’s no easy task for a writer to create character with only one line of dialogue, but writer Steven Clarke does this with aplomb. Larger standout roles such as town Sheriff Shirley Hastings, (a lovely nod to Marg Gunderson, Fargo ) and her well meaning but slightly dim-witted Deputy Rick, are particularly memorable.

Christmasville seamlessly blends the comical with the sentimental, the dramatic with heart-rending, the nostalgic with the modern. This is an original and beautifully written tale that will entertain the whole family.

Producers: Want all your Christmases to come at once? Well, best open your present early, cause this is a one of a kind limited edition, and it’s sure to sell out fast.

Read CHRISTMASVILLE (95 pages in pdf format)

About the writer: Based in upstate, NY, Steven Clark is the writer of over 30 short scripts, several of which are under option, in pre-production, or have already been made into films. On A Clear Night, a family Christmas feature aimed at a Hallmark Channel-type audience, is currently in the works. Steven can be reached at Steamroller138 (a) gmail. Check out his website BadRepScript.weebly.com and his other screenplays.

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This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

About the reviewer: L. Chambers has been writing all her life – especially in her head, and on scraps of paper. It’s only in the last few years she began to get serious about screen-writing. Prior to this she worked in the Features Department for ABC TV as a Program Assistant, and trained as a FAD. She currently works as a freelance web-content editor and lives with her husband (also a screenwriter) in Sydney, Australia.

Based on a True Story

A fictional film about non-fictional events that are entirely fictional.

Senses of humor vary radically. Some people think Porky’s is the height of hilarity. Remember that one, folks? Others prefer Woody Allen’s neurotic wit and TV shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm. One thing’s for sure… humor’s changed a hell of a lot over the years; with the focus veering towards over-the-top gross outs. This is the End anyone? Whatever happened to smart, character based comedy? Is there anyone out there still writing intelligent humor?

Yep. His name is Matt Dressel. The script in question is Based on a True Story. (That’s the title, folks. Not the description. The script itself is completely fictional.)

Smart, funny and low budget, BTS revolves around protagonist Bill, a screenwriter that can’t seem to get his big break. (Gee, I wonder how often that happens in real life?) Demoralized, Bill pays the bills working at a 911 crisis center, and most of his nights hanging out with incompetent actor pals Tim and Sam. (Okay, Sam’s not exactly a friend, more of an unfortunate acquaintance.) They live in Quigley Quagmire’s hotel… a depressing little 80’s reject hovel that’s only one step removed from the Roach Motel. In other words, life ain’t going well.

That is, until Bill has his brilliant idea. Hollywood likes reboots and movies based on True Stories, right? Why not stage a bank robbery themselves….and then cash in on the press with a best selling screenplay? Between Bill and his crew, they’ve got creativity, actors and props on their side. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

How often has that question been asked? With the logical answer. Everything.

What follows is a highly intelligent – and yet goofy – romp through an escalating comedy of errors: from “Auditioning” the other bank robbers (and other theoretically important stuff, like how to handle guns and bank vaults) to the actual caper. And the inevitable complications that ensue. A master of understated comedy, Matt Dressel populates the script with colorful characters… not just the protagonists, but walk-on supporting bits as well. Not to mention rioting Nazis, pizza delivery men, and David Bowie groupies. (Don’t even try to ask. Just read the script and see.) Sound over the top? In Dressel’s hands, this script actually maintains comedy balance … peppering the script with wonderful lines like that of Crusty Detective Vic Cardigan: “I’ve been chasing (these robbers’) sorry asses for nearly 25 years of my life – ever since I was a rookie on the force.” Police officer: “They appear to be about 30 years of age, sir.” Cardigan: “Damn, they’re good.”

You know what’s really good? This script. It’s an indie breath of fresh air in a world populated by dick jokes and vomit gags. (Not that there’s anything wrong with those… in moderation.) But if you’re an up and coming director looking for a comedy with intelligence and staying power, check this one out. Fast. Before it gets away like a bank robber with the loot…

About the writer: Matthew Dressel recently wrote/produced/acted in his own web series Let’s Kill John Stamos! One of his feature films, Killing Daniel, has been optioned by Darius Films. You can catch more of Matt’s work at http://www.matthewdressel.com.

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Red Light

One year after a woman is killed by a red light runner, three teens run the same red light in hopes of seeing her ghost, who they believe is responsible for the recent string of bizarre murders.

Okay, horror fans: think quickly. On your grubby, bloody feet! Here’s a question about our much beloved genre… one you can answer instantly:

What sub-genres of horror are so iconic and classic they warrant separate categories in Netflix? Hmmmm, let’s see…. Zombies? That’s an obvious “no-brainer”… once the ghouls have had their feast. Then there are Possession/Exorcism tales. Alien Abductions. Creature Features. Ghost stories of every scary shape and size.

Then there’s the biggest creep show of them all – a category of horror that deserves it’s own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Folks, I’m a Preaching’ to Y’All about Slashers. Ruminate a moment, and you’ll see.

When you think of memorable horror films, what Big Bads come to mind? Come on kiddies – it’s easy! Michael Meyers. Jason Voorhees. And Freddy Krueger (oh dearest Wes, R.I.P.)

Those are the names of true Boogey Men. Sinister celebrities that stand out from the crowd.

And that’s what makes any horror film a box office blast: the creation of monstrous archetypes with mind-blowing visuals. Ones that burn their details into your mind.

And let’s be honest here. That’s a pool of talent which occasionally must be refreshed. Sure, classic creepy crawlies will always sell *some* tickets. But once the sequels reach #8-10, then it’s time for new faces to emerge. The rush of YOUNG BLOOD… as it were.

Ladies and Gents, STS is proud to present to you just such a thing. It’s a horror Slasher that has “Franchise” written all over it. And won’t leave you yawning “cliché!”

We bring to your attention: Red Light. It’s a creepy blood drenched entry to the horror cannon. With a memorable villain that’ll sear itself into your mind.

Here’s the grim scenario: a lonely, miserable dark night. The location: rural “Old Haven Road” – smack dab in the middle of bum-f*ck nowhere. An old woman – Tabitha Hudson – approaches the intersection, clad in a bright yellow raincoat. The light’s safely red – so she crosses.

Just as a car shoots through the light, ignoring the ruby warning sign. Smack! A hit and run – instantly. Tabitha lies in the gutter. Suffers and dies. Yet the driver of the car keeps going: both a crime…and a tragedy. Even more complex than one can understand.

Fast forward. One year.

Another car blows through the light. Again.

Yet another lonely night. But this time, there’s no victim – just a group of careless teens. Some drunk. Others texting. The irresponsible jerks stop at a diner for a bathroom break, only to meet a horrific fate. An avenging shadowy figure kills all but one of them (Matt) in gruesome ways. Who is it? We don’t know. But the killer wears a battered yellow raincoat. And carries a gore-dripping steel pipe.

Within a day, rumors abound. Especially at nearby Augustus State University… attended by the lamented victims. Stories circulate about the yellow-coated specter of death – and the grisly end that awaits anyone who runs that fearsome light.

Among the concerned students are several bosom buddies: roommates Hannah and Nikki. Their fabulous – and muscular – pal Xander and Hannah’s estranged brother, Jimmy. Taunted by snobby sorority queen Rebecca (Jimmy’s catty ex), the crew run through the Old Haven light on a dare. Sure, they’re a bit nervous. But who cares? The curse can’t be really true. After all, Matt survived the massacre.

That night, Matt meets a nasty end…

Which leaves the teens fearing for their lives. Taking the initiative, Hannah and Nikki begin to investigate the true death of Tabitha Hudson. Who drove the car that killed her? And are supernatural forces in play? Or is the rumor just petty gossip – generated by Rebecca and her bitchy entourage?

The mystery quickly deepens. As does the bloody trail. The clock ticks loudly for Nikki and her friends. Each of them – marked for death.

Needless to say, spoilers need not apply. But rest assured – the characters in this Slasher are in Technicolor 3d. The killer and the deaths? Both memorable. As much as Freddy, we’d say…

But the twists and turns are under wraps. So contact writer Chris Shamburger at cshamburger “AT” live dot com for a copy of the script.

Red Light’s a horror classic in the making. Not to mention a future franchise!

Check out Coverage of Red Light by No Bull Script Consulting

About the writer: Chris Shamburger was a finalist (Top 10) in the 2013 Shriekfest Film Festival for his recently-produced script, Hiccups. He has been a semi-finalist twice and has also been published in Twisted Dreams Magazine and Horror in Words. Chris lives in Marietta, GA with his partner and their Chow-mix rescue, Walter. Aside from writing, Chris has been teaching pre-kindergarten for the past six years. You can find him on IMDb.

About the reviewer: Review by STS

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This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

One week ago, we reviewed Kevin Revie’s Static Town – our third (but far from final) feature showcase. As readers of Shootin’ the Shorts are aware, our goal at STS is to find new and promising writers, and provide them with the platform they need to get their work seen (then hopefully optioned, and produced!)

One of our not-so-secret weapons in this quest is Danny Manus of No BullScript Consulting. Having worked as a development executive in Hollywood, Danny is an in-demand script consultant, named by Creative Screenwriting Magazine at one of the “Top 15” consultants in their “Cream of the Crop” list. Partnered with STS, Danny provides wonderfully detailed and helpful notes for the monthly STS feature script.This coverage is provided free to the writer, and can be posted our site or kept confidential – at the writer’s discretion. But wait – there’s more!Any script that gets a coveted “recommend” from tough but eminently fair Danny will be featured in his monthly newsletter and may also receive further exposure to his production contacts…

Below, please find Danny’s notes/coverage for Static Town. Read, learn, comment…. and don’t forget to submit your best work for possible review!

**To submit a script, please visit STS at the page listed HERE. Danny can also be contacted directly via the No BullScript Consulting website at http://www.nobullscript.net/contact/. Or on Twitter @DannyManus.

******

NO BULLSCRIPT ANALYSIS

Title: Static Town

Type of Material: Screenplay

Author: Kevin Revie

Number of Pages: 84

Submitted To: Simply Scripts

Circa: Present

Location: Linden Mills, Suburbia

Genre:Comedy/Teen

Coverage Date: 8/22/14

Budget Range: Low

________________________________________________________________________

COMMENTS:Kevin, thank you for submitting your script, “Static Town” to Simply Scripts. The following notes and comments will go through what works well and what still needs to be worked on or changed in order to make this a more viable and commercial script.

I think overall the writing is strong and there is definitely a voice and a timely message that comes through the pages, and it’s a generally enjoyable and fast, easy read. A quirky comedy about a teen who is so sick of the disconnection that exists between people these days due to technology that he causes a severe blackout in his town, is a strong set up and premise. It’s not an insanely original theme or message but it shines an LED-Screen on our society and how tech-obsessed we’ve become and how we have suffered for it in a fun way, and certainly this is a theme we can relate to these days. It presents a strong question of what would happen if a town was suddenly without power and had to start reconnecting on a personal level.

Your characters are largely likable and I think there are a number of strong lines and very funny moments within the script. That being said, I think there are some ways to make this feel like the story has a bit more depth and MEAT to it, perhaps flesh it out the plot a bit more. For me, what’s missing most in the story is conflict. And because conflict is generally really what drives plot, the lack of conflict equals a lack of plot and stakes. I think the voice and tone feel like a nice mix of Juno, Safety Not Guaranteed and Perks of Being a Wallflower, but without the major stakes, twists and drama those projects had

Your concept could lend itself to a more satirical feel, and I wonder if there’s some more comedy that could be mined from that. This town is without power and computers and cell phone towers – but we never really see what happens to the people in this town other than Wyatt and his close group of friends. Yes, we see people go outside and play and start enjoying each other’s company later in the story – but that probably wouldn’t be the immediate reaction. There should be a larger downside and a level of chaos before the people begin to embrace it. I think you could take the level of satire up a bit by showing some funny extremes or people reacting or what people in this town resort to, to try to get power. Right now, the only moment we get of that is on page 24-25 when people try to get water and duct tape. I think you could have this type of panic last a little longer. Even without power, you figure you have 18-24 hours before everyone’s phone battery goes dead. So when that happens, it could be like a countdown to phonemageddon.

There’s a totally different version of this story where it is full-on satire and you have people becoming almost cannibals and zombies because they can’t text, and just looting and murdering for batteries while this kid did it just to try to get the new girl to notice him. I think then you could go even more over the top with the message and the comedy if it was wrapped in more satire. But that is a different tone and story..

With quirkier small comedies and dramedies, it’s really about three things – character, voice, and a situation or hook that presents enough opportunities to bring out character and voice through plot. I think you have these, but I do think Wyatt’s character, while likable, could be just a bit stronger and more consistent in his set up and the things he does (or discovers) throughout the story could also be a bit stronger to add more plot.

Wyatt says things like “I’ve never been able to really express how I feel” on page 7 – but that’s not really evidenced in the plot. If that’s one of his flaws, we need to see how that actually affects his life.

With Wyatt, while I think he is relatable and sweet, his place within the world of his high school hierarchy is a bit unclear. He doesn’t seem like an outcast, and I’m guess since this is a TINY town his graduating class all knows each other and has since birth. So, it’s not clear where he ranks in the popularity/clique levels. He’s already slept with the hot slutty girl in school, so that tells me he’s not a total loser. But I think it’s odd that he is nervous about going up to Jennie on page 7 and talking to her, even though he’s already slept with her and has been hanging out with her, and he already knows she’s seeing other people. Clearly her boyfriend Barry is not really an obstacle for her sleeping with other guys, but I didn’t quite get the connection between Wyatt and Jennie and what he actually wants from her.

It’s also odd that he sees the new girl on page 6, seems to be enchanted and attracted, but then totally forgets about her and goes back to sighing over Jennie and her boyfriend on the next page. I might suggest switching those two scenes so that we actually meet Sophie a couple pages later but his reaction will make more sense because he’s already been turned down by Jennie and all the sighing over her is over. It would also give a bit more meaning to the scene of Wyatt, Geordie and Dale talking on pages 8-9 if it lead to seeing Sophie for the first time.

I also was curious what video Sam posted of him last year that scarred him so badly. What did he do? Did it go viral? Is that why he doesn’t like technology much anymore? I was waiting for a bigger reveal on that.

Wyatt’s reasoning for wanting to stay off of social media needs to connect more to his character and what’s going on in the story. He tells Dale he’s going to stay off social media because they don’t take chances or risks anymore and he’s lacking spontaneity. But that really has nothing to do with social media or cell phones. Then he says everyone is just living through screens and not looking around them and people are just advertising themselves as they want to be seen. But that’s a totally different issue. Not taking risks and lacking spontaneity is different from people living their lives through technology and putting out or creating false senses of selves. And this is why his true motivation for knocking down the power lines is unclear.

While I love that Wyatt knocks down the power lines, I feel like there needs to be a stronger catalyst or motivation for him to do so. There’s no specific PROBLEM that Wyatt is facing or situation he needs to fix or deal with that would inspire him to do this.

For instance, if he couldn’t get the attention of the girl of his dreams because everyone else was trying to get to her thru social media and texting and he was more of an old school romantic, then it might make more sense. Or if there was a video sent out about him that went viral and ruined his social life or his chances with the girl he loved, then that would be a great reason. I just don’t think it should feel like an off-the-cuff, spur of the moment decision without some catalyst or reason for knocking the power lines down.

Seconds before he does it, he sees a montage of “tech” things – kids glued to phones, Sophie dismissing him for a text message, his mother driving off with a man she met on the internet, no one paying attention at graduation, etc. – but only a COUPLE of these things actually happened and the rest are fantasies and projections of what COULD happen. I think these things he thinks of should be what actually happened to him that inspire him to do this. Let him give a speech at school where everyone is on their phone or replaying the viral video of him doing something stupid, let Sophie (or Jenny) totally dismiss him for a text and not pay attention to the guy actually talking to her in person, have his mom actually meet a guy off the net – these are strong motivations. Right now, though, they are all hypothetical. And so there’s not really a catalyst to make him do this. Whatever that catalyst is could be the inciting incident.

Sophie’s character is strong and she has a great introduction when she talks with Wyatt the first time. Her line “Somewhere in between get me out of here and maybe I can stay sane for like a year, max” is a great way to show her mindset about this town and a strong inciting incident for Wyatt.

I really like the twist that Sophie goes for Dale instead of the predictable Wyatt, though it does seem to be a bit of a bro-code violation. It’s a good reveal on page 58 that she’s there with him. It’s a heart-wrenching little twist on the love story, but also adds irony in that even without the power and the social media, he still can’t get the girl. Their scene together on page 64 is a bit harsh from both of them only because I don’t think there’s enough build-up to really earn those feelings. A couple more instances where she might have seemed to be leading him on would help.

The point Sophie makes in this scene is also the major issue with the second act. She asks Wyatt – ‘Okay, the power’s out but what have you done differently?’ And drawing this to light makes the reader realize – she’s right, Wyatt hasn’t actually done anything in 40 pages. It makes us realize we’re just watching things happen thru Wyatt instead of really experiencing things happen with Wyatt. And I would suggest that’s the biggest issue with the second act. Other than being sad about Sophie, there hasn’t been any conflict for him to face. He pretty much gives up on his goal of winning Sophie’s heart, so what else is left for him to accomplish the rest of the story? Maybe his lack of taking chances could be set up a bit more and this becomes his other goal, but it’s not really connecting enough currently.

Sophie gives him his cell phone back on page 67, which is great, but would be even more important if you were tracking the police investigation to finding out who was responsible. He didn’t seem worried about the phone until she gives it to him.

I like the subplot of Wyatt’s parents being pulled apart and then coming back together. It’s sweet, but is it really technology’s fault they’ve pulled apart? Also, on page 23, it’s odd that Karolyn doesn’t mention the blackout but only the car.

Turning to the story and structure, the other general issue for me with the script is that some of the scenes themselves are a bit lacking in purpose or are unnecessary. I think some of the scenes could feel like they have a stronger purpose in regards to progressing the plot or characters or revealing some new information.

For instance, even the opening party scene. It has a couple funny moments and we meet Jennie, but nothing actually happens at this party and it’s unclear what Wyatt’s struggle actually is if he’s already slept with the hot girl in school. I think this scene could show us a bit more about just how transfixed everyone is to their devices, and that people aren’t even talking to each other at the party – they’re just texting each other and snapchatting each other.

The scene with Wyatt and his buddies after they leave school on page 33-34 also doesn’t have much purpose. It’s just hanging out and mentioning the party, which they could do anywhere, and feels more like a filler scene to lead to the grandparent’s scene. The scene with Wyatt and his grandparents is nice, but I think it might actually be stronger in the FIRST act before he knocks the power out. He sees how they are without using technology, and looking at pictures and writing letters – that could be more inspiration for him to do it in the first place. Otherwise, I’m not sure it serves much of a purpose here and we never see his grandparents again, so they don’t really have any effect on the story if not as inspiration to go back to that simpler time.

Structurally, the first act I think could be a bit stronger. Right now, the inciting incident is really Wyatt meeting Sophie and realizing people are tech-obsessed. But if there was more set up and an actual catalyst as to why Wyatt rams the power lines, that could be the inciting incident. Then Wyatt rams the lines, and the first act basically ends on page 24, which is a bit early even for a short script. But I think there are a couple scenes you could move to the first act, as stated, that would beef it up a bit more.

The investigation into what caused this power outage might be an interesting subplot you could work into the story a bit more. It might add some tension and higher stakes and a bit more worry and conflict for Wyatt, who is hoping not to get busted for what he did. The cops come talk to him the morning after, but then we don’t hear from them again.

The third act, much like the first act, is quite short and not that much happens. The kids going exploring into the abandoned house is cute, but it has nothing to do with the rest of the story and nothing important really happens within the scene. There’s no real point to it other than giving them a quick nostalgic adventure to go on. This is what I mean by the scenes need more purpose and connection to the plot. It’s great that they go there, but how does that affect or change anything.

Generally, I think the dialogue is quite strong. There are some very smart and funny lines throughout the script that showcase the change in how people think because of technology. When Wyatt asks Dale if he wants to go play catch and Dale says “I have Wii? If you want,” that’s a great moment. Natalie’s response to experiencing a black out on page 27 (and the teacher’s comment) is hilarious. Same on pg 33 with the hashtag daddy issues lines. Wyatt’s VO lines on page 55 are not making new points, but they are very well-expressed in a funny way. Even Dale’s stoner thoughts and dialogue made me laugh out loud. And the line on pg 74, “I feel like I just watched a Mythbusters episode of my own childhood” is such an insightful and clever line, I really enjoyed it.

That being said, I do think there are a few scenes or lines that could feel a bit fresher and genuine to teens. It’s really small things, like Geordie’s line “All right, let’s get out of this place” could easily be a bit quippier – “All right, let’s bounce this bitch.” It’s just about bringing different characters voices to their dialogue.

On page 28, I like the idea of this ice breaker, but these kids have been going to school with each other for 12 years and if it’s one thing social media does, it makes you know everything about a person without even knowing them, so I’m not sure they need an icebreaker. It’s a small class in a small school in a small town – they probably know everything there is to know. And if any of the kids had ridden an elephant, they would’ve posted pics of it on Facebook, so everyone would already know the answers based on people’s timelines. The question of eating Octopus – they would’ve Instagrammed the food pics. Geordie’s point about no calls home and no emails is well-taken though and pretty funny.

There is an odd line on page 38 that stands out, I think it needs rewording or there are typos – the wine cooler description line.

On page 76, Dale fears what would’ve happened if YouTube was around when they were kids – they’re 17. YouTube WAS around when they were kids. The internet and cell phones were already a thing by the time they were in 2^nd grade. Facebook started getting popular in 2006/2007 – they were 10. So, they’ve already grown up with it.

SUMMARY: I think this is a well-written, fun read with a strong, relatable, timely message and some smart, funny dialogue. It has a voice, but I think if the actual plot and conflict were a bit stronger, and the stakes a bit higher, it would bring the voice out even more. I think there are other things you can work into the story to flesh it out a bit and create a stronger catalyst and clearer motivation for Wyatt to do this, and stronger consequences from doing so. He needs a specific problem, goal or issue he thinks this might solve. Some of the scenes could have a bit more purpose and progress the plot/character arcs more, there needs to be more conflict throughout the script, and the first act could have a bit more set up. The second act could have a bit more satire, and the action of the third act could have a bit more to do with the rest of the story. But I think there are some great moments and with a bit more work, it could be a very strong writing sample for you and the low budget will definitely make it more produce-able. Stick with it! Keep writing! And best of luck! Thanks again Kevin for submitting your script “Static Town” to Simply Scripts, and congratulations on being the featured script of the month.

NO BULLSCRIPT 20 POINT GRADING SHEET AND RECOMMENDATION:

PROJECT:CONSIDER

Wrath of God by Lonnie Turner
– Featured Script of the Month

Wrath of God by Lonnie Turner

William Athman steps outside his home on Christmas Day, grabs an axe from the chopping block, strolls back inside and murders his entire family. What could make a man do something like this? That’s what psychiatrist Timothy Vick intends to find out when he’s requested by the murderer himself to take his confession. But when Athman claims he was forced by God to kill his family, Tim must struggle with his own beliefs (or lack thereof) in order to stop the next person to kill in God’s name — himself.
(Horror, Psychological Thriller) 90 pages in pdf format

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Status: Available

Writer Bio: Lon Turner is a lifelong film fan and movie buff who found his way into screenwriting after a roommate brought home a copy of Syd Field’s Screenplay. Lon’s first completed screenplay, Wrath of God, was named a finalist in the 2005 Shriekfest screenplay competition. His second completed script, The Silk, was purchased by Movie Plus Group. He is currently at work on a number of original screenplays, mostly in the horror/thriller genre.

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Niner by Eric Dickson – Featured Script of the Month

Niner by Eric Dickson

An offbeat cop harbors a murder suspect and blackmails him into testifying at a criminal trial.
(Thriller) 128 pages in pdf format

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Status: Available

Writer Bio: Eric Dickson graduated Full Sail University in 2003 and worked in the development departments of The Radmin Company, James Manos, Jr. Productions and Omniquest Entertainment. He has worked as a contractual writer for Spear Films, L.L.C., penning the 35mm horror movie Dark Games, starring Twilight Saga’s Booboo Stewart, Martin Kove, Danny Trejo and Jeff Conaway. The film marked Conaway’s final on-screen appearance as well as Stewart’s first breakout role. Eric has also worked as a studio photographer for Norwegian Cruiseline and have recently started a scriptwriting service, I Write Your Script, which specializes in writing treatments and re-edits for feature screenplays.

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Complete by James McClung

Nikki’s romantic getaway turns into a nightmare when her boyfriend reveals a gruesome plot to bring them closer together.
(Horror, Thriller, Drama) 91 pages in pdf format

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Status: Available

Writer Bio: James McClung graduated from Temple University in Philadelphia in May 2009 with a degree in Film and Media Arts.

He has been writing screenplays since 2005. His work extends to all genres (and subgenres) from horror and psychological thrillers to romantic comedy. He has to date written over thirty screenplays, including fourteen features, and hopes to continue exploring new ground.

In 2007, James sold his first screenplay Abattoir, a throwback to 70s-80s horror movies, to Canadian filmmaker Kalman Szegvary (“Cannibal Rollerbabes”). Abattoir is currently in post-production with an anticipated worldwide release in 2012.

Since then, James has written several other scripts now in varying stages of development, including Baptism by Fire, a short drama set during the Vietnam War. Baptism by Fire was produced by film student, Craig Surko, and is currently gearing up for a festival run, having already made Official Selection at this year’s Princeton Student Film & Video Festival.

James is active in his local independent film scene, after cutting his production teeth in Paris, France at Partizan Films (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) in 2010. He is currently writing for a secret project based in Maryland and in pre-production for his directorial debut in his hometown of Washington DC.

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Artwork provided by Sean Elwood

The Fempiror Chronicles: The Initiation of David by George Willson

A world of genetically modified warriors collides with a headstrong teenager. (Adventure)

Read the Script 140 pages in pdf format

Status: Available

Synopsis: In a story that could change your perception over what constitutes a “vampire” (though the story actually contains none), 17-year-old David Taylor is thrust into the world of the Fempiror when he disobeys a decree against being out at night to be with his beloved, Beth. Now, he is forced to follow a new set of laws – to protect humanity from the dark side of the Fempiror race. Unfortunately, their laws prohibit him from seeing Beth again – a rule David is not interested in keeping. As David encounters advanced technologies of the Fempiror society, learns of their mission, and understands the very real danger he poses to humanity, he begins to second guess his desire to return to Beth. But when that opportunity arises, he disobeys and changes his life and the lives of everyone he loves.

Writer Bio: George Willson has written books, plays, musicals, and screenplays, and he adapted three of the Fempiror Chronicles screenplays into novels. He produced and directed a low budget feature film. He writes music and sings as well as playing piano and almost a dozen other instruments and has two produced albums. He lives in Broken Arrow, Ok with his wife and three princesses.

The first three books in The Fempiror Chronicles series, The Initiation of David, Genesis of the Mutation and The Hunt For The Razers are available from Amazon.com

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