DEAR GOD, I QUIT – LOVE SATAN (9 page short comedy script) by Jay Williams

When Satan hands in his resignation letter, God is forced into an impossible situation

What if God one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus… trying to make his way home?

That’s what singer/songwriter Joan Osborne asks us in her insanely catchy 90’s pop song, “What if God Was One of Us”. If even you didn’t grow up in the 90’s, love it or hate it, I’m sure you’ve heard it before.

For obvious reasons, this song played in my head after just finishing Jay Williams’s sharp-witted comedy short, “Dear God, I Quit – Love Satan”. While Joan Osborne’s song asks us what it would be like if God was, indeed, one of us, Williams explores the scenario further… while also asking the same question about God’s rival, the Prince of Darkness himself, Lucifer.

In “Dear God, I Quit – Love Satan”, God is a slob like one of us (to answer Joan Osborne’s question)… and a drunk… and a gambling addict.

The story opens outside of a storefront on the Vegas strip where we meet Godfrey – God in human form. Unshaven and unwashed, Godfrey looks like an old homeless man, muttering profanities to himself while glugging down a bottle of whiskey. It’s been a rough go in Vegas – not only is he hammered… but he’s also broke.

That’s when his friend, Lou, sharply dressed and doing much better than his counterpart, comes to the rescue like any friend would. If you were wondering, yes, Lou is short for Lucifer. And, yes, on Earth, he and God are friends.

            GODFREY
Oh Lou, is this how it ends?
How did it ever come to this?

We then cut to heaven, long before God became Godfrey and lost everything in the casinos.

This version of heaven doesn’t seem very heavenly – here, we don’t see angels playing harps with halos over their heads while riding on puffy clouds. This version of heaven looks much like an office you’d find your accountant working in. But maybe a lot less organized and a lot more filthy. Apparently, even in heaven, God is a slob like one of us.

A pile of paperwork in front of him, God seems just as stressed as any nine-to-five office worker. I guess we really were created in God’s image…

That’s when Lucifer arrives to conduct their weekly session where they discuss the balance of good and evil.

            GOD
OK, I’ve enabled a couple of
new strains of penicillin.

But, as their session continues, Lucifer breaks some news to his counterpart, handing him a letter of resignation. Bored of his duties, Lucifer has also “seen the light”…

But to truly be relieved of his duties, Lucifer needs God’s forgiveness first. But God isn’t so sure. After giving it some thought, God comes up with a plan – that he and Lucifer head down to Earth in human form. If Lucifer demonstrates good behavior and shows him that he has indeed changed, God will forgive him. But forgiveness comes with some serious consequences…

Packed with pithy dialogue and fantastic chemistry between God and Lucifer, “Dear God, I Quit – Love Satan” will make you do what any good comedy SHOULD do… laugh. And especially with the world where it is right now, God knows we could all use a good laugh.

BUDGET: Low. Two actors, two locations.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Jay Williams is a UK-based writer working in theater and movies. You can read more of his work right here on Simply Scripts. Jay can be reached at: jaywilliams120671 (a) hotmail.co.uk

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About the Reviewer: Michael J. Kospiah is the award-winning screenwriter of critically acclaimed indie-thriller, The Suicide Theory (79% Rotten Tomatoes – available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, etc) and 2020’s upcoming Aussie thriller, Rage. His horror feature, They Never Left is currently in development.