FOOD FIGHT (3 page short comedy screenplay) by Christopher Stewart

A young couple takes a unique approach in deciding who will choose where they eat for their lunch date.

I’m sure we can all use a good laugh right now while cooped up in isolation during these very, very strange times. And I’m sure once society kinda/sorta gets back to normalcy, we’ll still be in need of some laughter to keep our spirits bright as we continue to adjust.

When the time comes and we’re all allowed to leave the house again, I’m sure one thing we’re all going to be looking forward to is being able to dine out again – I, myself, am growing tired of ordering take-out. And my cooking is just deplorable. But one topic of discussion that I’m sure will pop up, whether we’re with friends or with our significant other, will be choosing where to have our first post-quarantine meal.

In Christopher Stewart’s hilariously absurd comedy short, Food Fight, Lori and Adam, your modern, every-day, twenty-something couple, have run into this all-too-familiar pickle – deciding where to go for dinner. Yes, it seems like such a ludicrously mundane thing to debate over. But it can feel like a life or death decision once those tummies start growling at us.

Clouded with indecisiveness, Lori and Adam go back and forth, putting pressure on the other to decide. Trust me, I’ve been there before, myself. This type of debate can go on and on for hours. It’s actually ruined relationships.

But Lori and Adam’s relationship is a strong and healthy one. And, instead of continuing this potentially endless game of hot potato, they decide to settle this conundrum using a conflict resolution technique that they read about online; a technique that you’d probably only see in a WWE story line – an extreme rules, last-man-standing brawl.

Absurd? Yes. Hilarious? Insanely.

In one of Christopher’s perfectly timed sight gags, we then cut to a display of weapons laid along their coffee table: A taser. Baseball bat. Pepper spray. Baton. Steel pipe. Heavy chain.

            LORI
No hard feelings, right?

If that doesn’t crack you up enough, the next perfectly-timed sight gag will have you in stitches.

As preposterous as this farce of a comedy short is, the premise is so simple and relatable that it just works. Part of the reason it works so well, outside of the sight gags, is because of Lori and Adam’s chemistry. Their dialogue is so nonchalant and casual throughout all of this, it’s actually kind of sweet and endearing – giving this Seinfeld meets Key & Peele-style sketch another unexpected dimension.

BUDGET: Cheap. Some props, a little bit of makeup. Three actors. Two locations – a restaurant and somebody’s apartment/home. I’m sure an extra room can be doubled to look like a restaurant with some clever editing and if the shot is tight enough.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Christopher Stewart is a licensed paramedic with a lifelong love of movies, helping others and relentless sarcasm. One random night a few years back, while stuffing his face with pizza, Christopher started reading screenplays just for fun and eventually starting writing scripts as a hobby – once he realized collecting stamps would never get him anywhere. In addition to writing and swearing, Christopher also enjoys helping other writers getting their screenplays in tip-top condition. Christopher can be reached at stewieville (a) me.com

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^*This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

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About the Reviewer: Michael J. Kospiah is the award-winning screenwriter of critically acclaimed indie-thriller, The Suicide Theory (79% Rotten Tomatoes – available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, etc) and 2020’s upcoming Aussie thriller, “Rage”. His horror feature, “They Never Left” is currently in development.