ASH HOLE (4-page short comedy screenplay) by DAVID LAMBERTSON
A fitting celebration of one’s life.
I’m sure you’ve all been to a funeral and/or wake at some moment in your life. Usually, people say nice things about the deceased and exchange fond memories. BUT… what happens when there’s nothing nice to say about the deceased? What happens when mostly everyone at the wake despises them? Well, writer David Lambertson’s hilarious dark comedy “Ash Hole” gives us an idea.
We open at a wake being held at a restaurant where we see a large, printed photo of the deceased posted up on a tripod, Bobby Joe (42 at the time of his death). His younger brothers, Jimmy and Ray have the urn with Bobby Joe’s ashes in it. And it’s made very clear that neither brother was very fond of Bobby Joe.
RAY
Look, I know he was our brother.
But he was a total and absolute
dick to everyone. All his life.
(re: the urn)
And now we’re supposed to blow
two grand and three hours scattering
his ashes off some fucking boat?
JIMMY
Ray, spreading his ashes at sea was
his final wish. We have to…
RAY
We ought to just flush him.
Jimmy makes a good counterpoint: ashes are thick and it would clog the toilet. So, Ray decides to dump a little bit into the toilet at a time. After all, it all ends up at sea anyway, right?
Soon, Jimmy gets in on the action, flushing just a little bit of the ashes down the toilet.
JIMMY
This is for being in Vegas during
Mom’s funeral.
(drops ashes into the bowl)
FUCK YOU, BOBBY JOE!
Neither brother wants to make a three-hour trip to the ocean to dump the rest of the remains. So they come up with a proposition to the rest of the “mourners” still at the restaurant.
RAY
(to the mourners)
Okay, for a small offense, you
get to dump a…
(holds up a spoon)
Spoonful. A medium offense…
(holds up a glass)
A glassful. And a big offense…
(holds up a bowl)
A bowlful. Everyone get it?
And the fun doesn’t stop there: there’s even a twist to cap off an already laugh-out-loud romp. This comes highly recommended to any filmmakers looking for a hilarious, budget-friendly comedy to produce.
BUDGET: Low (one location).
ABOUT THE WRITER: David Lambertson: I took up writing rather late in life having already been retired before I put pen to paper (okay – finger to computer key) for the first time. My favorite genres to read and write are dramedies and romantic comedies. In addition to this short, I have written four features; “The Last Statesman” (a 2015 PAGE finalist and a Nicholl’s and BlueCat quarter-finalist), “The Beginning of The End and The End” (a PAGE Semi-Finalist). “Taking Stock” (a drama) and a new comedy – “Screw You Tube”. Want to learn more? Reach Dave at dlambertson (at) hotmail! And visit his website.
Read: ASH HOLE (4-page short comedy screenplay)
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*This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
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About the Reviewer: Michael J. Kospiah is the award-winning screenwriter of critically acclaimed indie-thriller, The Suicide Theory (79% Rotten Tomatoes – available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, etc) and 2020’s upcoming Aussie thriller, Rage. His horror feature, They Never Left is currently in development.
1 Comments so far
1.
KP Mackie
June 28th, 2021 at 3:00 pm
Irreverent and funny story with a great title. A real hoot! And another terrific review by MK … ;D